Serving through the pain

Today my lower back hurts. The muscles are beginning to point out to me that they've gone unused too long and they're warning me that I can't leave them like this any longer.

I'm listening to them, I'm heeding their warning. This week we begin walking on the treadmill after Himself gets home from work. Next week, Pilates for Dummies will be added for me. That, more than anything will help my sore back. It will strengthen it.

This afternoon Master required sexual service, after much stretching and a good back rub. I was able to do as he wanted. He was gentle with me and was careful to be sure my back wasn't hurting. Too bad it stiffened up during the process, I had to hobble to the bathroom afterwards. The concern in his voice as he asked if I was okay was touching. I'm fine... sitting on heat for now and pumped full of ibuprofen to help reduce the muscle swelling. Next will be ice and perhaps a soak in a hot tub. I'm taking it easy today.

Last night, as I watched Ladyhawke Master talked about how excited he is about collaring me, the love he feels for me and the pride he takes in owning me surrounded me as he talked about the collar and our upcoming collaring ceremony.

Contentment? Someone on the LE group stated that contentment is dependent on many factors, not just on being owned or owning someone. Five or six years ago I wouldn't have been content with being owned. I wasn't ready then. I had a lot of baggage that kept me from knowing what contentment even was. But, I do think I was able to find contentment in being owned because becoming owned is a journey in and of itself. It has been a growth process which is by no means finished. During the growth process I've been able to put down a lot of the baggage that hindered me in the past.

Master asked if I was proud to be owned by him and my answer is yes. He has grown quite a bit himself. He is a man I can be proud to belong to. He is a man of integrity and honor. He's darn sexy too. *grins* I can be across the room from him and I feel his presence as if he were standing next to me. We've forged a very strong bond between us and he's right when he says the physical collar is just an outward symbol of what is already in my heart.

Health

Tuesday was a day and then some. Master and I both went to the doctor. He because he was ill and I because I'd been having some pains in my legs.
My visit went well, doc suggested diet and exercise and I agreed. His visit didn't go so well, his doc yelled at him for not taking care of his high blood pressure.

He seems to be taking the doc seriously this time and I'm relieved. For years he wouldn't take it seriously and wouldn't stay on the medications they'd prescribed. No amount of talking from me would convince him to take care of it. It took the doctor telling him point blank that he was going to have a stroke. Hearing that scared me too. I can't picture life without him and I don't want to.

His doc also suggested diet and exercise for him. So, the plan is to exercise together after he gets off work every day. The diet part has been a little more difficult as we both love food. But, as a Dom friend of ours pointed out, "Look where loving food has gotten you both.". He's right, loving food has gotten me to a size I can't stand and isn't helping Master's high blood pressure.

So now I have to try to look at food in a new light... eat to live don't live to eat. Eat to live don't live to eat. It is a good mantra to help me stay focused.

Making life changes like this, while not a big deal to some people, is scary to me. I know I'll feel better once I get past the first week or so of exercising. I remember actually feeling good about my body last year when I was exercising somewhat regularly.
So here we go, embarking on a new way of life for our health, for our life together.

Fat

I feel fat today. Or rather I'm supremely aware of my size today. The zipper seam on my favorite jeans began to tear today and my body hurts.

I feel hopeless about making any changes. I've tried to diet on my own and failed so many times that it almost seems pointless to try. But, I'm going to the doctor tomorrow to see what she can do to help. I'm tired of hurting and I'm tired of buying new clothes because mine give out from trying to fit around this body.

Most of all, I'm tired of feeling left behind when my friends all lose weight and get healthy. I feel conspicuously fat in their presence.

I realize I've done this to myself... no one forced me to put the food into my mouth. I want to undo it.

I've asked for Master's help in the past but it hasn't worked. I've failed to stick to it and he cuts me slack because he loves food as much as I do.

I want to join Weight Watchers but I have to be honest with myself, it would probably end up being a waste of money because I'd probably have a hard time sticking with that plan too.

I want to say it's pure laziness that keeps me fat. A lack of willpower.
I just don't know how to fix it.

Laughter and pain

All I can say is OUCH! Master was teasing and tormenting me a bit last night with his belt. He would snap it at me stopping just inches from making contact with my backside.
He did that a few times and then asked me "You can just feel the wind can't you?" I responded with "No, not really since I'm wearing clothes." Wrong answer. In the next instant the belt made contact with the back of my thigh. Ooooh it burned. He rubbed cream into it afterwards to soothe the burn.

After that we went to see The Haunted Mansion with the kids. It was a mixture of fun and torment because I could feel the spot where the belt had struck my flesh as I sat there watching the movie. I love moments like that, a mixture of vanilla and kink with no one else the wiser.

Tonight we get to go to the dinner and discussion and I get to learn to polish his boots. Yay!

Busybusybusy

I feel like I've been running around like a chicken with her head cut off today.
I had to get up early this morning to take Master to work so that I could have the car for the day. Her royal hineyness, Miss Cait, has a cold and earaches so she needed to see the doc to be sure all was right. It is.

I was supposed to get an oil change done today but they were really busy and I didn't have enough time to wait. I feel like I failed in my tasks because I didn't get that done. Even though I did get a number of other important things done.

I hold myself to too high a standard sometimes. It is difficult not to.

I get to cook a nice dinner for Master tonight, I'm looking forward to doing that for him. I'm also looking forward to going to a bdsm dinner and discussion tomorrow night. The topic is boot blacking and since Master has a new pair of leather boots, I want to learn to polish them correctly. Isn't it odd how we focus on objects sometimes?

Honestly though, it isn't the boots so much as the person wearing them. I don't know how else to explain my boot thing.

I mean do love the scent, the look, and the feel of leather. It is at once comforting and arousing to me. But, by themselves they're just boots. On Master's feet they're a symbol of his authority, his power over me. My caring for them is an outward sign of my enslavement to him. If I do a good job he, and others, can see that I take pride in being his slave. It is important to me that he sees that.

Life is good.

Ch-ch-ch-changes

Sunday morning we broke down some of my barriers and they seem to be staying broken down. I like that.
I feel much more at ease and at peace with myself and with Master. I've been calling him Sir more often which is something I was uncomfortable doing before.

It was like I had a blockage in regards to using honorifics. Perhaps it was my mindset, I was still living and acting as wife more than as slave.

I feel like I've finally internalized my slavery, it has become my truth.

It seems like things have changed, we are more intensely Master and slave. I think my change in perspective and broken barriers has allowed us both to move forward.

My resistance was a barrier all of its own and in my opinion, kept him from Mastering me in the way he wanted.

We had a little bump in the road yesterday when he opened a package that had come for us. It was the collar and it was the wrong size. I was extremely disappointed, we'd begun planning the collaring ceremony and were working on the date and location as we're sharing it with my Lady and a few close friends. He saw the storm beginning to brew inside me, my emotions always take over in situations like this. He told me that it wasn't for me to be upset about.

What? I don't get to be upset? No, I can be disappointed but I can't overreact and blow a gasket over a simple mistake. I didn't, I didn't rant and rave or cry, I didn't complain or ruin the rest of the night with a bad mood. I let go and began exercising my patience.

These changes are good and I like them. Will I always be able to let go like I did yesterday? Probably not, but I hope that I will be able to let go more often than not.

With time and practice I hope to always call Master Sir, he likes the respect it conveys and I like showing him that respect, he's earned it a thousand times over.

Processing

We're baaaaaack! We got back late last night and were very glad to be back. The trips to and from Chicago were very pleasantly uneventful.

Through the ride there I was filled with nervous energy and much anticipation. Once we got there we checked in, got fooded and then registered. We browsed the vendor areas and found our friends who'd come to VV also. After much chit chat we went back to our room and lounged and ordered pizza. Let me just say, I've never had a better tasting pizza, YUM!

After pizza we got ready and went up to the dungeon. I'm still all aflutter over everything we saw. I saw a lovely Goddess beating her sweet submissive, the energy they shared was spectacular. I watched a Domme friend of ours work over two of our submissive friends. During that time I also got to see a fantastic interrogation scene with two Dominants working over one bottom. They wore fantastic fetish uniforms that looked sort of German officer like, and the male Dominant even used a German accent. It was amazing to watch and gave me many delicious ideas.

Master tormented me with our newly acquired Wartenburg wheel that night, leaving me limp and wrung out afterwards.

Saturday was spent shopping and taking in one workshop. It was a workshop on Old European decorum and etiquette and how that translates into the Lifestyle. It was presented by a very accomplished male slave who gave a fantastic presentation. I'm still processing some of what was said. We've lost a lot of the manners and decorum since the Victorian era.

Saturday night was the formal dinner and I was excited, I got to dress up! My Lady helped me to do up my hair which turned out gorgeous. I looked a bit like a Greek Goddess, it was great. Once I had my floor length dress and jewelry on, Master couldn't take his eyes off of me. He touched me in some way or another through the entire evening. After we were seated in the dining hall he leaned over and told me how beautiful I was. I nearly broke out into tears with the happiness I felt. He looked quite dashing himself wearing his button up long sleeved shirt, dress pants, tie and leather vest.

After dinner it was agreed that my Lady and I would Top Master in the dungeon. Master is a masochist and enjoys a good pain scene every so often. The scene went well but Master felt combative so we weren't able to take him as far as I wanted to go. I have a rather large sadistic streak that needs to be let out now and again. That night I only got a little teaser so was left with pent up energy. I became sullen and withdrawn. It was late too so I was tired as well. I tried to present a good attitude but didn't accomplish that very well.
Master let me go to sleep but the issue wouldn't be let go.
In the morning as Master and I laid in bed together waking up, he began stroking my neck and face. Then he covered my nose and my mouth, suffocating me. He chose for us to stay in the room Sunday morning instead of going to any workshops. He took me down hard, there was much breath play and some catharsis for me. At the end of it all I humbly kissed his feet, something I have wanted to do for some time but never felt able to. It was a moment of clarity for me, I finally felt my enslavement. I may have freedoms that others don't have, I may be allowed to Top others on occasion, I may be allowed to Top Master on occasion, but always, he has the final word. He is my alpha and Omega. He is my reason for being. I live to serve him. I live to please him. I live to love him. Yes there is much else in my life but he is the center of it all.

After the erotic take downs workshop I realized that Master and I began our relationship kinky. We started out doing take downs, we'd wrestle all the time. As we became intimate those take down sessions would end in primal sex.
We stopped playing that way some time ago for no specific reason but we've talked about doing it again. Possibly using it as a precursor to a flogging or caning.
After watching a take down scene Saturday evening, I realized how much I missed doing that. It was fun, playful, feral, violent, and sweaty.

Our weekend was awesome and much needed. It cleared up some confusion for me, brought Master and I closer together, and was so much fun.

On the way home, while discussing our perceptions of the weekend. Take downs came up, my Lady suggested that perhaps Master and I could do a take downs presentation for our BDSM group. Master was open to the idea, I suggested that he and I would need to practice since we haven't done it in some time. I have to admit, I'm excited at the prospect of sharing something I enjoy with others. I like to teach and share, it seems natural to do this. Perhaps, if Master wants to, we'll do so.

Thursday!

So today is a flurry of activity. I'm taking a break to rest and do some journaling.
Last night I went shopping with my Lady and we had a great time. She spoiled me a little, she paid for a gal to paint my nails while she had hers filled. I bought us some yummy chocolates afterwards, trying to spoil her in return.

Then she bought us Julius drinks... and she bought my necklace that I'd picked out to go with my dress. She wins in the spoiling people department. *grins*
She's really a great Lady, she's also a very good friend and I love her to pieces.

After I got home from our shopping spree, I had a nice quiet night with Master. Til my period started. I was angry with it for starting right before our trip, I know that's silly, but there I was angry and upset and near to tears. It interferes with certain activities, makes them a little more complicated and messy. It means I have to wear my ugly underwear instead of the sexy new thong I bought. Master sat me down and had a bit of a talk with me about it, reminding me that it's not something I can control so why get upset about it. He also assured me that we'll work around it. I felt better afterwards, He can always comfort me.

After I'd settled down we went upstairs to cuddle and watch Family Guy, one of our favorite cartoons. It was a good way to end the night.

Today I feel good. I feel accomplished. When I stop long enough to think, the excitement fills me up.

Well, time to get back to work! *smiles*

T-minus and counting

We leave for Chicago this Friday! I'm excited beyond words. Master bought me a beautiful dress for the formal dinner and even bought himself a tie! Master never wears a tie.

I'm looking forward to all the things we're going to see and do in Chicago.

Master has ordered a collar for me. Every now and then when I think too hard about it I get a little scared.

I get scared of the thought of something locked permanently around my neck. I'm not scared of the commitment it signifies or the ownership either. Just scared of something permanent around my neck for no good reason.

He owns me and he wants the world to see it. For the first time in my life I'm beginning to understand that I am a person of worth. He wants to own me because I am worth owning. I am valuable to him because of who I am, warts and all. And best of all, he loves me.

Vanity or self-esteem

Master got me a set of fake nails for my birthday last year and let me keep them up until just a few weeks ago. I had to have them removed due to money issues, we just couldn't justify such a frivolous expense right now.

I understand and I am happy to help cut corners where I can.

But I hate my hands. My nails have been cut down to the quick to get rid of all the acrylic still left on them. My hands look like little boy hands now. My fingers are short and stubby. I've never been able to grow my nails very well on my own. I chew them or they break because they're weak so before the nails my hands looked like they do now.
I felt so elegant and ultimately feminine when I had the nails like I never did before I had them. I actually liked my hands with the nails. Master liked the nails too. He likes making me as girly as possible.

It isn't that I can't be girly now but it's like part of the package is missing. I don't feel as feminine when I see my hands reaching for a glass or something else.

For most of my life I refused to dress or act girly. I didn't feel safe being a girl. About 5 years ago Someone gave me inspiration and a safe place to be a girl. But for a long time it didn't feel right, it felt like I was putting on an act. Over time it began to feel more normal, more natural.. when I got the nails it was like everything clicked into place for me.

I know, I'm nattering on about fingernails when there are worse things in the world that could happen. Still, I miss them. I miss the way my hands looked with them. I miss the naughty things I could do to Master with them.

Let it snow

...somewhere else. I mean really, we've had enough snow. I've had enough snow. Master had a little accident Friday because of the snow. He's okay, his car hit a patch of ice, spun out and ended up landing up over an embankment or something like that. The car is not okay, it cracked a back wheel and he thinks there's something wrong with the rear axel, he barely got it home.

So now we're down to one car which means Master will be using it during the week and I'll be stranded during the day. It sucks but it could be worse. I'm just thankful he's okay and that it wasn't more serious.

If it snows as much as they say it is going to we'll be snowed in tomorrow. The kid's schools will cancel and Master might not be able to get to work. This wouldn't be bad if there was some way to get the kids out of here. A day with Master all to myself would be very nice.