Happy Anniversary!

Happy Anniversary to Loki and jewels! May you have many, many more.

Long Time No Type

I realized today that it's been a while since I've written anything and decided I ought to remedy that situation.

There really isn't a lot that's been going. Well, there has been the usual busyness of daily life. HRS jarred every muscle in her back at 3 a.m. Monday morning during a freefall from the top rungs of her bunk bed ladder to the floor with a short landing against an open closet door on the way down. She's OK, the doc assures us that nothing is seriously injured, she's just going to be sore for a while.

I've been working on being a good student and getting my assignments done.

I took some time today and forced myself to begin an exercise program. I've been putting it off for ages. Always too busy, too tired, too sore, etc. Today I decided that I've *got* to take care of myself. So, I popped the Walk Away the Pounds DVD (that LMR made for me months ago) into the DVD rom in the computer and started walking. I wanted to quit when my muscles started protesting but I kept going. I did it until my back started aching a little and then I let myself stop. It was only 15 minutes today, tomorrow I'm shooting for 20. Every minute I exercise is progress and a step toward a healthier me. I need to come back and re-read this tomorrow when I'm once again finding excuses to not exercise.

On the M/s front things have improved, I think. Master has been asserting himself more and I think I've softened quite a bit. I feel more balanced and like all is right with the world. Last night I was tired, I wanted to read my book and go to sleep. Master wanted an orgasm and instead of arguing I got into position and proceeded to take care of business. You know how when you get all snuggled into bed and it just feels SO good and SO comfy? That's how I felt lying there stroking Master's cock. I wasn't going to get any attention other than his hand absently stroking and cupping my behind but it just didn't matter. I was happy to be taking care of him. THAT feeling is what I'd been missing for so long. Contentment.

Master took pity on his pouty little girl last night and let me watch the Disney channel original Halloween movie, Twitches. I've been wanting to see it but I've either been at work or Master won't watch it because he really doesn't like that sort of thing. Every year I love to watch the Disney channel Halloween movies, it's all part of the season for me, but this year I haven't really been able to because I've been at work OR they're on, on the weekends when Master is home. So, I was a happy little girl last night sitting on the couch in my jammies after work and watching Twitches. Yep, life is good.

There's absolutely no news, other than what ZBoy hears through the grapevine, about LMR. I think about her and I worry but it's not all-consuming any longer. I think we're all adjusting to her absence and accepting that this is the way things are going to be.

You Never Know

They say you never know what you've got til it's gone. I disagree. I'm lucky enough to know what I have and still have it.

I found out yesterday that after our recent problems, Master was ready to throw in the towel on the whole M/s aspect of the relationship. He was frustrated and feeling defeated. As I said yesterday, you can't dominate that which won't submit. It's a lot of work to try to do so and isn't very fulfilling or rewarding. In the end you're left wondering why you even try.

This can go both ways, you can't submit to that which won't dominate either and all the trying in the world isn't going to make it so. To make these relationships work both parties have to be on the same page and working toward the same goal. There is a certain amount of personal responsibility for both parties, things we both have to do in order to make this work. He needs to be consistent and not let me get away with bad behavior but I need to exercise some self-control and not allow myself to act badly. Sure, it's easier to swear at him when I'm angry. It's MUCH easier to only be concerned about my needs and ignore his. But doing that isn't making an honest effort to make the M/s dynamic work. It isn't honoring the promises I made to him.

We talked some last night and he agrees with me that we both need to be active in our roles. I believe we'll be talking further about possible rituals that will help to reinforce our positions in our minds and will give us a further connection as Master and slave. One of the things we've discussed already is having me follow him to the bathroom when he has to urinate and licking his cock clean afterwards. We've done this in the past and it always leaves me feeling soft and open to him. I'm looking forward to feeling this way again.

I think I began to take him for granted just a little bit. He'd always be my Master no matter what. This week has really opened my eyes and made me realize just how lazy I'd gotten. I'm hoping that by journaling here I'll be able to make this stick in my memory and I won't make this same mistake again, at least not to this degree.

Today Master called me from work just to tell me he loves me. He thinks he's not, but he's really a romantic at heart and I love that about him. I'm thankful he didn't give up on me, on us, and on M/s. It can work but it does take work, just like any other relationship.

Dreaded Learning Experiences

So yesterday was awful, we got that right? It was all in my mind. There was never going to be a meeting. It was an attempt at a mindf*ck that went horribly wrong. Before anyone gets upset with Master for being an insensitive jerk, chill. Mindf*cks are one of his favorite things, he's very much into the psychological aspect of dominance and I knew this full well before accepting his collar. He's done similar things in the past and I've been perfectly okay with it. I definitely didn't react the way I did yesterday.

He had every reason to believe that I'd react the way I usually do, with a little interest and teasing him about his upcoming liaison.

I thought I'd been fully honest with him about my current emotional and mental state. Now I'm starting to wonder if I had been. Despite appearances to the contrary, he's not insensitive and takes great care to not harm me. So, I have to wonder if I haven't been giving him all the information he needs about me. That's something I need to think about and work on. Maybe I've been more closemouthed about my struggles than I realized. You can only imagine how shocked he was to see yesterday's reaction. He was upset that he'd caused me any pain.

I've whined about him not dominating me but last night I realized that I've made it next to impossible for him to do so. I've been operating in really high top space for quite some time now. There hasn't been much outward sign of that soft, submissive me.

He said something last night that is really sticking in my brain, he's had to change his thinking to adapt to me. It's true. I've been very demanding since I began work and until last night I hadn't really realized it. I've silently demanded that he back off when I'm tired. With a look I deny him sex when he says he wants it. When I deserved punishment I backed him off with a growly "I'm tired" as I crawled into bed and snugged the covers up around my shoulders.

I am SO not perfect and SO not the injured party here. So please don't cast me as such. What I am is badly behaved and way out of line.

Woulda, shoulda, coulda. There's a lot of that that could be thrown around right now but what it boils down to is the fact that I need to get back to basics.

I'm sorry Master.

Feeling

It feels like something vile is working its way up through my consciousness. Sort of like how a splinter will work its way out of your skin when it gets buried deep inside. I don't know what it is but it's sure making me cranky.

Every little thing feels like a personal slight, a personal insult, a testament to my failures. I'm extra-sensitive right now. Last night I came home from work and suddenly was in a horrible mood after having been in a good mood all night long. Frustration was eating at me. Frustration over the situation with LMR. I came home and became angry because Master didn't cook dinner the way I do, the way I like it. Selfish much? Yeah, that's me.

I did my best to swallow the angry feelings and keep them from ruining the rest of the evening. I think I was successful, only Master could say for certain.

Then this morning I watched Finding Neverland (good movie that) and ended up sobbing with great huge tears rolling down my cheeks from midway through til the end and even after. It took some time for those tears to stop. Good grief. Something is working its way out of me and I don't know what it is.

Then I get an e-mail that Master had written me, last night I think, that totally blindsided me. He'd been planning something with someone else and only just now told me about it. I felt hurt by it. I felt left out. I felt abandoned almost. He's planning to be gone Friday evening. I'll come home to the kids and no Master. He'll likely not have need of me Friday night. It makes me a little angry. Friday night is the first night of the week that we actually have all the time we want to spend together. We only get two nights a week that we have that much time. Those nights are precious to me. I guess I see things a lot differently than he does. But, it's all a moot point really. I'm his slave, he's the Master. I don't have to like that he's making plans but he has every right to make them. It's what I agreed to.

It's just not easy to sublimate the wife's reactions to what the slave agreed to.

So, I'm working through whatever it is that's working its way out of me and trying to be a good slave. If only it were as easy as it is in books. Gah!

Things Are Looking Up

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh, relief, relaxation. I feel good today. Master and I spent yesterday afternoon with the Tribe. We hadn't seen them in ages, seriously, it had been at least a month since we'd gotten together. All of our lives have been extremely busy lately.

It was wonderful to just sit and chat and laugh, that's all we did but it was certainly medicinal for my battered spirit. Near the end of our time there J commented that we looked so relaxed. I did an internal check and knew it was true. I was relaxed and boy did it feel good.

Master and I were nearly inseparable, we sat snuggled together in one chair for almost the entire time we were there. He'd absently stroke my head or the back of my neck while I just laid my head against his chest and snuggled into him.

Once we got home he had to help HRS with math homework, once he was finished we headed up to bed early. Not to sleep, oh no. Master took me up on my offer of topping him. He enjoys bottoming on occasion and I'd suggested a couple of weeks ago that it might help relax him.

We had a good time together and definitely reconnected. I was focused on making him feel good but also on giving him enough pain to cause him to struggle. I knew the activity of it would help release that pent up stress. I think my favorite part of the entire experience was sitting on the bed, him nude and me in nothing but panties and making lots of skin to skin contact. I ended up extremely turned on just kissing and nipping at his neck, ears, and shoulders while my hands stroked his neck and chest. It wasn't long before he took over and brought us both to shuddering orgasms.

He called me from work today and sounded so happy. In the beginning when I was allowed to top him I focused on what I wanted. Last night, while I did do some things that I enjoy, my focus was entirely on him. The purpose of the scene was to give him some much needed stress relief. That isn't to say that there weren't other side benefits like great sex, reconnection, and stress relief for myself. It's just that his stress relief was my focus. Making him feel good was my focus. It felt really good to be realigned.

I learned that there are some pains that just make him angry and not in a good way. I thought I was the only one that got angry about certain pains. I'm still pondering that one. I understand now why he continues to do those things that make me angry. He enjoys my struggles; he enjoys taunting the chained animal and even being mauled when the animal turns. It makes me shiver just thinking about the way he turned last night. Makes me go weak in the knees and all mushy, pudding inside.

Imagining

Things have been pretty low key around here with all the busyness and chaos we've had. In the past couple of days I've found myself fantasizing about crawling across his lap and presenting my bottom for a soft, sensual spanking. It's not really about the pain but the connection.

I've been feeling kind of disconnected from him. We each deal with stress and our emotions differently but one thing we seem to have in common is this, we turn inward only reaching out when our need is great. This isn't to say that we're not there for the other and that we don't reach out. It's just that it takes us a while. We try to work it out on our own first.

I think I'm finally at a point where I'm ready to reconnect and the way I seem to need/want to do it is through physical closeness. When he spanks me he alternates strikes with strokes of his hand across my bottom, my back, my thighs. It is such a luxurious and comforting feeling.

Sometimes I really ache to be touched, I ache for skin to skin contact. Not necessarily sexual touching either. Just touching. I love having my back stroked, it's soothing to me.

I like doing the touching too. I pet and stroke Master's chest, belly, and sometimes his back if he'll let me. His skin is extra sensitive so touching often feels like a tickle to him.

I'd love to spend a day, just he and I, naked and touching.

Remembering

I remember when I was pregnant with LMR, I knew she was the daughter I'd been waiting for. I'd picked her name when I was pregnant with her brother, ZBoy. I saw her name in a baby name book and fell in love with it. I knew I'd have a daughter and would give her that name. About two years later, I did just that.

Early in my pregnancy Alan wanted me to have an abortion. We were dirt poor, really didn't like each other, and already had one child to support. From the outside, not having more kids made a lot of sense. From where I was sitting, a very unrational place, I couldn't kill my daughter. I was a train wreck throughout my teenage years and into my early 20s. I was a train wreck when Alan met me, the more comfortable I got with him, the safer I felt with him, the more of the wreckage I allowed him to see. I'm not proud of who I was nor am I proud of some of the decisions I made. My thinking was distorted and I wasn't mentally healthy in any sense of the word.

But I'd chosen to keep LMR and he had no choice but to accept my decision, he was committed to his responsibilities.

She was LMR from birth. As a toddler she didn't see things the same way as the rest of us did. Things we thought were funny or cute she found annoying. One night in a restaurant, during a dinner with his family, she brandished a steak knife (I still don't know how or why she had one at that age) at her grandmother and said "I'm going to kill you." She was under the age of three. Around the same time at another family gathering a relative was oohing and ahhing over how cute she was and moved as if to stroke her hair and LMR pulled back and said "Don't touch me!"

But there were good times too, lying on my bed and giggling as I flew her through the air and gave her a silly superhero name. We did that a lot, she loved it. Snuggling on the couch for afternoon naps together. Finding her already awake in the mornings bouncing and smiling in her crib, lighting up the entire room with her megawatt smile when I walked into the room.

There are other good memories too, things that really spotlight her odd sense of humor, one she inherited from me. Two of her favorite cartoons now are Foamy and Mr. Salad Fingers. One of her loves is drawing and making ink dot pictures. She's truly talented.

Her JCO called me today, he collected some information from me and says he'll call me back when he knows more. There is so much good about this girl, so much good in her. I hate to see it thrown away because she's running from herself. I hate watching her make destructive choices in her life. I want to protect her. I tried to make her JCO understand my concern for her, I emphasized that I don't feel like she's safe or that she's making safe choices. I hope he takes that into consideration.

I want to stay home, close to the phone, so I know what's going on.

I want to thank everyone for the words of support and a special someone for reaching out to me. A pain shared is easier to bear than a pain felt all alone. I have faith that things will work out as they're supposed to. It's just difficult waiting for them to do so and feeling helpless against it all.

Scattered Thoughts

It's been a long few days. I alternate between being okay and having to fight back tears. I'm at a loss. I don't know how to deal with this. I don't know what to do, the parenting rule book doesn't have a section for out of control teenagers.

I checked in with HRS yesterday when we had a bit of alone time, I'm sure this turmoil is affecting her but she claims to be fine. I'll keep checking in with her, maybe eventually she'll feel comfy talking about it. ZBoy seems to be okay too. Though, he and LMR have had practically no relationship for the past four months or so due to a fight they had. Still, I know he worries about her, we all do. I did something kind for him today which made him smile.

I had a bit of a chat with LMR's school counselor today, it looks as if things aren't going to be all sunshine and roses for her because she's violated probation. I'm torn, as I'm sure Master is too. We both want to take care of her, we also want to minimize the stress on the family as a whole and keeping LMR out of trouble is one way to do that.

Unfortunately, keeping her out of trouble at this point would require lying and or not communicating with the JCO. I was informed today that this sort of behavior would likely land us, the parents, in a load of trouble ourselves. It was a friendly warning I think, just in case we might have been leaning that way to help decide us against it. The school counselor has been leaning this way herself. She worked really hard to help LMR last year, to keep her from heading in the wrong direction.

When my logical head is on I know that protecting her from herself is not the answer. It's only delaying the inevitable, her having to deal with the consequences of her actions. That's no help, she's got to mature a bit, we're not always going to be there to run interference.

She's still not home though she did call us last night to check in and to tell us she was still trying to make up her mind. I wonder if she realizes she's taken all the choices out of our hands, and hers, and put them in the hands of the JCO? *sigh*

I've noticed myself feeding my sorrow more and more often. Feel sad? Eat something. I'm trying to reign that in but it isn't easy.

Master and I did have some quality alone time over the weekend, we even tried a new (to us) restaurant for dinner. That was fun, stepping outside of our comfort zone and trying something new. I hope we can manage to do that more often, I think we both need it.

I have no idea what's going to happen with LMR, her JCO was out of the office today but I've left him messages as has her school counselor. I honestly don't know what he'll do. I do know that more community service isn't the answer. *sigh*

Parenthood Heartbreak

I wasn't going to post about this but I need to get it out of me. Last night Little Miss Raincloud decided to leave home for good. Last night I wasn't upset, last night I was firm and accepting. Master was sick with worry. Last night when I went to bed my last thoughts were a silent wish for her "Be safe".

This morning I'm sad. This morning I feel her absence. I thought I'd detached enough from her to not worry, to not feel this sadness at her absence. I guess I was wrong.

She left because we grounded her for skipping school yesterday. We were both certain that as soon as we disciplined her she'd bolt and we were right. She's got balls though, this girl. She tried getting her father to take her to her boyfriend's house, where we're pretty sure she's staying, after she got off work. Too bad for her I'd already spoken to him and told him what was going on.

I'm angry with her childish behavior. I'm angry and hurt because she'd called my cell phone while I was at work, I called her back an hour later to see what she'd needed and by then she was already gone but didn't say anything to me about being gone.

This parenting thing sucks. It's heartbreaking. I just keep hoping she's safe and that some common sense will eventually seep into her teenaged brain.

Stepping Out of Role?

Did I or didn't I? I don't know. I know I behaved badly, made a complete ass of myself is what I did.

I had planned today to be devoted to my studies, I have a lot of medical terminology stuff to get done. When Zgirl (aka Little Miss Raincloud) and Master informed me that she'd need a ride home from school in the middle of the day and then a ride to work, I came unglued. I was angry and let them both know that I was angry. I told them I'd planned the day for homework that I'd needed to get done. I was a jerk.

Later on in the evening, just around bedtime, Master and I were still talking about it. It was quite obvious from my facial expression that I was still upset. He didn't seem to understand what I thought was a serious disregard for my study needs. I told him he had no concept of what it was like to try to study and deal with all the home stuff, plus work. I thought I was making a statement of fact but in actuality, I was being cruel in the way I said it. Arms flailing through the air, emphasizing "no concept" and tone clearly disdainful and angry.

He got angry, rightfully so, and responded in kind. And of course, I took further offense. I tossed a couple more barbs and then informed him I was going to bed. I didn't ask and didn't wait for him to tell me I needed to sit down and talk. I just went to bed. And when he came to bed? I was still awake but I was still mad and feeling hurt so I feigned sleep and was soon truly asleep. I hate going to bed like that, with such tension between us. It's even worse that it was entirely my doing. I can be such a pigheaded fool sometimes.

Did I step out of my role? I don't think so, I think I was just a very badly behaved slave who forgot her place in a fit of anger and hurt feelings.

I've been stressed out with all that's going on. If it isn't Zboy in crisis it's Zgirl and if it isn't either of them it's HRS (Her Royal Shortness). And if it's none of them it's Master. It seems to be a never-ending cycle of stress and crisis and I'm at my limit. I've been saying that I need some stress relief, I need time off from school, work, and mommyhood. I need a break or I'm going to break. But through all of this, the role doesn't change, at my core I am still his slave. I'm just his slave in crisis right now.

I'd love to blame it all on hormones. Easy excuse eh?

Relating

I was going to just respond in comments to TJ but as I was typing I realized it was more of a post than a comment. *chuckles*

TJ said: "Though I am entirely too free spirited and inflexible to go into TPE with anyone, I think if you chose to do it, and be married, each TPE couple should agree to a 24hr period each month for the TPE to be called off and to just be a married couple. It gives everyone breathing room and a chance to be totally out of the norm. It helps refresh you, Him and you both learn to appreciate the TPE more each time. Over time you may not need it."

I think to an extent this can be true and can work for some folks. However, submission isn't something I am able to put on and take off at will, it's an integral part of who I am and how I relate to him. Actually, it's how I tend to relate to many "authority" figures. This fact was really brought home to me on Monday at work. My supervisor came around to the team asking each of us if we could maybe commit to come in earlier. (the new client we've just started taking calls for has a heavier call load than was expected) When she got to me I was torn. I wanted to say "Sure I can come in an hour earlier!" That submissive in me was dying to not disappoint her. It just happens to be the way I relate to dominant type people.

So, even if I weren't acting submissive to him, I'd still have all these feelings inside. I'd still be wondering, "Am I pleasing him?" I'd still be wanting to do things to please him.

In a TPE relationship, at least in this one, we can't just set aside the dynamic. It permeates every nook and cranny of our lives. It would be like trying to set aside my motherhood. I can't do it, I am a mom. Even when I'm out with friends or with Master, I'm still a mom and somewhere in the back of my mind, I'm thinking about the kids.

However, I wholeheartedly agree that we each need to do things that refresh us. Not that long ago we were doing a lot more playing and I don't mean SM. We were going out, spending time with friends, and just being adults together. That stopped when schedules and money got tighter. I think that's what folks are hearing when I'm writing. We've got a lot on our plates right now and we're both stressed and unhappy with that stress.

danae and jewels are right, there is an ebb and flow to every relationship, sometimes you click, sometimes you don't. When you don't you really miss the times when you do. Or at least, I really miss the times when we do click. So, we're stuck in a big ebb right now and could be for the next couple of years until I've finished school and can finally find a day job.