Feral

I wasn't aroused last night but he was. We went up to bed last night, I went into the bathroom to pee and came back out to Master sitting on my side of the bed with an enormous erection that instantly comanded my attention.

He wanted me to kneel on the floor in front of him but I was in a little too much pain last night so I asked if I could do something other than kneel. He offered to lay on the bed which allows me to lay across the bed. I crawled onto the bed and laid down on my belly with my head near his cock. I gave it a few licks and sucked for a while then started stroking it with my hand. Soft and slow with a very loose grip, a technique that is sure to drive him mad with lust. I stroked his cock as if I had all the time in the world and his orgasm wasn't the goal. I was enjoying the grunts and moans issuing from his lips. There's nothing like happy sounds to get me interested in the task at hand. (no pun intended)

He wanted to lie there and enjoy the handjob but it was almost more than he could take and he decided to f*ck me. He got up and walked around the bed while I knelt up on all fours for him. We don't do this often as it's not his favorite position. Interestingly enough he seemed to enjoy it quite a bit last night. I have to say, despite not being terribly aroused, it felt very good to have his cock inside me. Doggie is one of my favorite positions because he can get very deep that way, deep enough to hit my cervix and hurt just a little bit. That, for me, is the definition of hurts so good. The whole time he's grunting and growling like a feral beast.

It wasn't long before he was ready to move to his favorite position... me lying on my left side with knees bent as if I were sitting and him kneeling behind me. Okay, so I like this position too because he hits a certain spot inside and it makes me smile. When he thrust into me the first time it was with a growl, like a wild animal taking possession of that which is his. I love, love, love it when he f*cks me like that, when he's so aroused and so into it that he can't help but grunt and groan and cling to me with such possessive heat.

While he f*cked me he reached down and grabbed one of my labia and pulled on it, using it almost like a handle to pull me towards him while he thrust into me. It hurts, can't eroticize it, but he enjoys that look of pain on my face and it sends him into a very primal space and it just keeps the whole feral/wild animal sex going which makes the pain bearable.

After he came we cleaned up and his cock was still hard as stone. Too bad he was tired 'else I might have begged him to use it again. As it is, he went to sleep and I read a book for a while. I found myself playing with my nipple while I read and started to get aroused so I decided to take things in hand. I grabbed my buzzy toy and worked myself toward an orgasm. It took a while, as it always has ever since the surgery, but I got there finally and the noise I made woke him up enough to stroke my shoulder and tell me he loved me. I really tried to keep it quiet and to be as still as possible but sometimes, well, you know, it's just impossible.

I wonder if he knows what it was that woke him up last night? I'll find out tonight when he gets home. He went out early this morning to go fishing with his friend from work. I don't know why but I'm always embarrassed when he "catches" me at masturbation. It's silly, but I feel like I've been caught doing something naughty even though that's not the case. Master hasn't had me on orgasm denial for a long, long, long time. Still, it feels naughty when he "catches" me. But, that can be fun all on its own because then he teases me about it and well, it turns him on to know I've been masturbating sooooo it can lead to some fun sex.

No Brainer

This is to be filed under "what the heck was I thinking?!" I went to see Silent Hill with my sister last night and I think it was a mistake. I'm still haunted by the creepy images burned into my brain. There are certain things in movies that will creep me out, make a spooky character move in a way no human could or should move and you're sure to have my skin crawling and have me peeking from between my fingers. Don't ask why, I can't explain it, it's just one of the things that peg my freakoutometer.

I know this about myself, yet I still go to see these kinds of movies. I ask myself, "Self, why do we do these sorts of things?" Myself never really answers me back, that'd make me crazy wouldn't it? Anyway, the movie is creepy, good story but creepy movie. I was skittish the whole drive home and didn't feel even a teeny bit better til I got home and curled up on the couch to watch the last 20 minutes or so of The Incredibles. Kids' movies are my comfort, they soothe me when I'm scared, upset, whatever.

I had a few bad dreams when I went to bed, woke up with a start thinking someone had whispered to me, then forced myself to roll over and go back to sleep. Today I'm still having random images from the movie flit through my mind at the oddest times. While my eyes were closed as I shampooed my hair, the creepy crawly moving guy scooted on his way. It took a lot to keep my eyes closed at that point.. I wanted to "change the channel" and opening my eyes is the best way to do so.

I know, it's silly for a grown woman to be scared or creeped out to this extent by a movie but I am. Master will probably read this and shake his head, he knows this about me and mutely watches as I perform these masochistic acts over and over again.

Now I'll go to work and regale my co-workers with little stories about the movie in the hopes of exorcising whatever demon it has become in my mind.

Hormone Blitz

I should have this warning label attached to my person, perhaps glued to my forehead.

I thought I'd managed to escape it. I thought that since I wasn't feeling weepy all the time that my hormones were just fine and dandy. I thought wrong. The last few days have shown me that my hormones are indeed, out of whack. Every cross word Master has said, even words that aren't intended to be cross, feel like personal insults and my feelings get hurt.

The night before it was his tone when he said I couldn't see a movie on a weeknight. I was nearly in tears over it because it felt like he was being mean to me for no good reason. Then last night it was something he said that wasn't nice. He'd done a huge favor for me that turned out to be a huge hassle and he said, jokingly, that he'd been thinking to himself that I wouldn't do anything like that for him. That really hurt my feelings. It felt like he was discounting everything I've ever done for him and that he had a low opinion of me. I got so upset over it and couldn't control the feelings. I even tried to relax and let it go. I was in the car on the way home, the conversation was on my cell phone, I turned on classical music and tried a few deep breaths. It didn't help. We did talk and resolve this situation, he said he could see how what he said would feel hurtful and apologized for it.

In the light of day it all seems so silly. Why get so upset over small things like that? I don't normally get that upset. I know this is hormonal and not me, I'm feeling pretty blue today and don't have any real reason to feel that way. I had a good day yesterday, found out that working from home is a distinct possibility instead of just an eventual possibility. I visited a sort of local hospital that has an in-house and at-home transcription department. I wouldn't even have to live locally to work for them, I think I wouldn't even have to move to work for them. The lady in charge of the department seems really great, I instantly liked her and could see myself working for her.

So, I'm trying to ride the hormones out and hoping I still have a Master and husband when it's all said and done. I hate being like this and I'm sure I'm making him miserable. I just can't seem to help it. The feelings jump up at me and overtake me before I know what's going on. I was in a good mood last night, I'd had a great night at work, and in an instant I was upset and hurt. I want to try to be conscious of what's going on, try to take a few deep breaths before I open my mouth, it just doesn't seem like there's time between the emotion hitting my brain and the words/reaction spilling out.

Can someone explain why hormones get so wacky after a procedure that has nothing to do with the ovaries at all? I'm not the only woman this has happened to. On the EA discussion board numerous ladies talk about it. I didn't believe it, didn't think it'd happen to me, and actually thought it hadn't happened. Sometimes all I can do is sit here thinking WTF?!

And so it goes..

So, life is moving along. Master has taken to wiping me after I urinate, we're both enjoying it. It is a nice way to set aside some very specific Master/slave time. Of course, he also takes it as an opportunity to tease me sexually.

I've been off work for well over a week now, first due to the cramping pain I was having and now due to the pain patch. Last week the doc doubled my dose as I'd developed a tolerance to the lower dose. I'm having the devil's own time of getting accustomed to the new dose. It's left me dizzy and nauseated and now, with the Compazine they gave me for the nausea, I'm fighting to stay awake most of the time. It's not fun. The doctor is supposed to be considering lowering my dose to a midway point between the lower one and the one I'm on now. I just wish they'd call me back and get it started so I can get back to work.

Spring term at school is almost over and before I know it, I'm going to be graduating. I've decided that I definitely want to participate in the commencement ceremony next spring. This is a big accomplishment for me and I really want to celebrate it with my friends and family. I'd like to have a little party with cake and punch after the ceremony too. It will be my very first graduation, ever. I had to quit high school and get my GED so, this is pretty special to me. I just hope I can get through the ceremony without crying my eyes out.

We've been talking more about what comes next and we've also talked about Master finding a new job. We're both considering moving to another town for work. With the line of work Master is in, there aren't many companies here in town so he has to look in other towns. It's really hard to think about moving away from friends and family but I'm willing to do what's necessary in order for Master to be happy and to find job satisfaction.

I've been tagged by Miss Theresa so, without further ado...

20 years ago I...
1. lost my virginity
2. got my braces removed
3. had no idea that life could get a lot harder

10 years ago I...
1. quit smoking cigarettes
2. was about thirty pounds lighter
3. didn't think life would get any better

5 years ago I...
1. started going to college (yes I'm slow!)
2. was diagnosed with asthma
3. had my nipple pierced

3 years ago I...
1. began traveling the road toward M/s with Alan
2. had my world shattered
3. began putting the pieces back together again

1 year ago I...
1. started working in customer service
2. was sure the world would end because of it
3. learned that I was wrong

So far this past year I...
1. have stuck with the job
2. learned to live in spite of the obstacles in my way
3. found that I really like spankings

Yesterday I...
1. felt excited about the prospect of moving to another town for a job
2. got to spend some time with my family
3. urged HRS to read a book

Tomorrow I will...
1. take pictures of LMR and ZBoy before they go to prom with their dates
2. probably sniffle a little at how beautiful and grown-up they look
3. enjoy the quiet time with HRS and Master after the older two have left

In the next year I will...
1. graduate from college (yes, yes, still slow)
2. get healthier
3. see at least one of the older kids move out on their own

I won't tag anyone, if you'd like to do this let me know so I can come read your answers. :-)

Aftermath

Yesterday I had to face the music. He wasn't in a headspace to deal with me Saturday night, he felt it was just easier to let me do what I was set on doing rather than argue with me, which is what he thought would happen. I didn't want to argue, I just wanted him to be firm with me.

He sat down and read my journal and an e-mail I'd sent him while he slept. Then he turned to me and I knew the time had come. It wasn't easy to face because in the light of day, without all the emotions, I don't feel so brave, I feel silly and small. He wasn't angry with me, later he told me he can't be angry with me, or hold it against me, if I get frustrated with the way things are. However, that doesn't mean he can't hold me accountable for my behavior during those times.

He says I was being a brat, maybe I was. I wanted a reaction from him, preferably a dominant reaction. Inside I was screaming "Dom me dangit!" Maybe it'd go over better if I actually said those words instead of acting out.

We had a good talk, he reassured me, and asked me for ideas of how to keep the M/s alive while we're apart like we are. You're never really together when you're working opposite shifts. It's only going to get more intense in the next six months as I finish school. During the summer, two days every week I'll be gone from about 8 a.m. til 8:30 p.m., then in the fall I'll have my internship, one or two classes, and my evening job. It's going to get a lot harder before it gets easier.

Yesterday I didn't have any ideas, I needed to think a while. Today, I have a few ideas.

1.) Having to say a prayer, meditation, or affirmation daily to improve mindfulness of my position.

2.) Having to do an activity daily that reminds me of my position.

3.) Special greeting of Master when I get home from work such as going upstairs and kneeling nude in front of him, perhaps he could ask me "What are you?" and I would answer "Your slave." This is something he does with me when he wants to reinforce my position in my mind.

4.) An activity performed between us when I get home from work that would remind me of my position and would reassert his dominance of me. One thing he enjoys is not allowing me to wipe myself after I urinate, instead he does it for me. This makes me feel small and vulnerable and arouses him immensely.

5.) Submitting to a physical inspection.

I know that a couple of these ideas probably won't fit into our lives, but there are a few that would and I think they'd help us keep the M/s alive even when I can't be here to serve him and when he's too tired to be overtly dominant. I've also asked him for a permanent piece of jewelry, if he feels I deserve such a thing, to wear as a physical reminder of my place. Normally I don't think I "need" such a thing but I'm feeling very vulnerable just now.

All I know for certain is this, I feel happy, satisfied, and content when it feels like the M/s aspect of our relationship is more than just an idea in my head, something I write about, or dream about. I think it's the same for Master. He seemed so very happy and content yesterday after we hashed things out. He retook control, he expected me to serve him and allowed me to do so. He doled out a punishment he felt I'd earned, despite my disagreeing. Then we worked together too cook a sumptuous dinner that we shared together by candlelight in the dining room.

He told me afterwards that it's good that I packed the toys away, it makes the room look a bit less cluttered and they can be easily taken out and put back again. All of this was said with an evil chuckle and a glint in his eye.

Tired

Today has been a long day. Not a good one. Things have been said, disappointments have been felt.

I'm just tired. Tired of lack of lack of time, lack of energy, lack of effort despite the lack of time and energy. I'm tired of hoping only to be disappointed. I'm tired of waiting, and waiting, and waiting some more for the "right" moment.

I give up. We may as well be vanilla for all the kink and M/s in our day to day interactions. I feel like packing it all in and just giving up. Could I walk away from it? I don't know. I just know I'm tired of wanting and waiting only to be disappointed time and again.

I've packed the toys away, I'm tired of them sitting out where I can see them, collecting dust. What's the point of cleaning the dust off them anyway? They won't be used. Most of them are too noisy to use here, and let's be honest, even when we do have the rare night alone, we won't use them. Something will always come up to prevent us from playing, ruin the mood, something.

**EDIT**
I put it all away, the toys, the collar, all of it and he said nothing. He let me do it without comment, perhaps, without notice. That hurts. It makes me sad. Why won't he fight for what he wants? Does it mean he no longer wants this life with me?

Maybe he thinks I no longer want this life with him since I'm willing to pack things away. I don't know. I just can't go on like this. Either I'm slave or I'm not. All the time, not just every few months or so.

Today could have been such a good day. I woke up feeling 'lil, when I showered I shaved myself smooth for him, after the shower I rubbed my body with baby lotion. I felt playful, light, carefree. Then he continued treating me like his wife, didn't get into the playfulness, didn't hear the 'lil in my voice or didn't want to. So, I "grew up" and acted like his wife. Got the grocery shopping done and hoped that we'd have a nice evening together, there was a good possibility of having the house all to ourselves. We did have the house to ourselves but after certain things happened, certain moods changed, and words were exchanged, we spent the evening mostly on our own.

We made an attempt at play that just went horribly wrong. Neither of us was in the right frame of mind for it and neither of us was willing to make any other attempts after the first failure. We've really failed at this. That's how I feel right now. Like a failure. Who was I kidding? Maybe all I've ever been is a masochistic bottom with a slight bent for service. I feel like crap tonight and I can't seem to get sleepy. We're barely speaking, it's so uncomfortable here. I feel as if there's some huge canyon that's opened up between us and I can't seem to bridge the gap.

Satisfaction in Service

Over the past month I've found myself more and more focused on doing things that will please A, things that will make him feel good. I feel driven to it in a way that I haven't really felt before. I don't know if it's due to the limited time we have together or if it's just a shift in attitude. Whatever it is, it almost feels like obsession.

I think about it quite a bit and find myself asking him quite often if things I've done are satisfying.

On the weekends I've been serving him his dinner again, when he'll let me. And last night, though I stayed home with pain, I made sure to fix and serve his dinner to him. I treasure the moments in which I can physically serve him. I think I took it for granted before, didn't value the service I was able to provide as I should have. I think I've mentioned before that I'm slow to catch on sometimes? Well, so I'm finally picking up on a lesson that has been nearly a year in teaching.

Gads, I almost feel like a giddy little girl being given a treat when I get to serve him. I can't help but smile when I bring him a drink or his dinner.

I think one of the reasons (besides the obvious) that I've been so hmm, anxious about the ban on vaginal sex is that I see keeping him as sexually satisfied as I can as part of my service to him. It's another thing I was taking for granted too. Bad slave, I know.

I realized last night that the ban has really forced us to learn to connect in other ways. In the past we didn't make time very often to really touch each other or enjoy what we were doing. We were both focused on the end result; orgasm. Lately we've been focusing on pleasure more often than orgasm. Last night he spent quite a while teasing both of us into a frenzy. That's what happens when you get a Sadomasochist, he wants to torment you but ends up tormenting himself in the process. *chuckling* We tried something a little different last night too that seems to be a LOT more satisfying for both of us. I feel elated at being able to satisfy him again.

Just Fooling Around

Sometimes I wonder if Master and I are just torturing ourselves with the fooling around we've been doing. It always ends with an orgasm for him and maybe one for me. But, I'm here to tell you, an orgasm isn't the be all and end all of sex.

We're both champing at the bit to return to penetrative sex. I'm of two minds about the whole sex issue. I'm frustrated by the imposed abstinence but the fooling around increases my frustration. I almost think it'd be easier for me if we didn't even broach the topic of any sort of sex. I even suggested he find someone else to have sex with while I heal. He looked at me as if I'd grown two heads.

The truth is, I probably wouldn't be happy if we didn't even fool around. I can't help wanting to touch him and be touched by him in return. I love the sounds he makes when I'm giving him a hand-job or a blow-job, and the glazed look in his eyes afterwards makes my day.

Tonight I got to Top him a little and got to dole out a little SM wickedness before we dissolved into fooling around and mutual orgasms. He's been out of sorts for the past few days and I hope the SM gave him a bit of stress relief. It was good for me, that's for sure, for a little while it took my mind of the wicked cramps I've been having. It also let me know that some things aren't going to change, I still get wetter than Niagara Falls when I Top. *G*

I hope the next month sails by before we know it.

Blue

The weather is gorgeous outside, the air smells of life and growing things, and the sun is bright. Yet, I feel sort of blue this morning. It could be hormones, I'm told that they can go crazy after surgery. But I think it's more that I'm going back to work tonight and I'm going to miss spending my evenings with Master, helping him cook dinner, chatting, even just watching TV.

It's not forever, I have to remind myself of that. It's just that the little break we've had, it reminded me of what I've been missing. I was accustomed to our schedules, accustomed to not being here. I missed being here but it was OK, it was part of my schedule. Now, it feels like I'm going to have to get accustomed to it all over again. Sounds selfish doesn't it? Not wanting to work so I can be with Master.

I just miss him, I miss the life we had and this past week I got a little taste of how it used to be and I'm jonesing for more. I want to be DONE with school, I want to work during the day when Master does so I can be with him in the evenings, and most importantly I want it NOW. I don't want to go back to the way we've been. Neither of us with enough energy to carry on much of a conversation much less any sort of significant intimacy. Spending only an hour and a half together before we both fall into bed to sleep and start the whole cycle over again the next day. Weekends spent recovering our energy for the next work-week, sometimes both of us so tired and worn out that we're just cranky and snapping at each other.

I'm trying to throw myself back into work and school, hoping to lose myself in them so I don't miss the other life so much, the one I really want. I don't want to go back to being alone and doing my own thing. I want to be with him doing his thing! I want to be here waiting for him to greet him at the door with a smile. I want to follow him upstairs and chat while he unwinds from the work day. I want to sit with him while he showers and then maybe cuddle for a few moments before he takes a nap. I want to be here doing something and have him interrupt whatever I'm doing and ask me to get him a drink. It's ironic, the things we take for granted.

Stronger

Every day I feel a little more improved, stronger. Sunday night and Monday, however, were a bit of a setback as I began to have more abdominal pain instead of less. It wasn't until it started feeling like my bladder was spasming that I realized it was probably a bladder infection and took appropriate measures. Since doing so things seem to be calming down nicely.

I took yesterday and today off work so I can continue to rest and heal with the firm plan to go back tomorrow. My supervisor seemed to be very understanding but then again, she gets paid the big bucks to sound that way. *chuckles* Either way, I'm not going to fret over whether or not it's okay that I've taken this time. I need it and that's that.

It's been a little frustrating in that I'd dearly love to take a bubble bath but that's on the no-no list for another few weeks at least. Why is it when I can't do things I want to do them most? Always contrary, that's me.

Master has been really great through all of this, I think he was probably worried too but didn't talk about it. It seems like he's needed recovery time after my surgery almost as much as I have.

Overall the experience has been a good one. I think I'll always be nervous about surgery, specifically about anesthesia but I don't feel as afraid of it as I did last week. It could be argued that's due to me being on this side of the experience but I don't think that's entirely it. I've finally had an anesthetic experience that didn't feel as if I were being drowned. I've also learned to be more assertive with doctors and nurses. If I'm nervous I feel no shame in asking for something to settle me down. If that's what it takes to get me through then that's what I'll do.

We have about two to three weeks before we find out if the procedure will help at all with the heavy periods. I'm sure it will have taken care of the mid-cycle bleeding as the polyps were causing that. But, the heavy periods, the bane of my existence these last 12 years, that's what I'm most eager to be rid of. It's almost impossible to imagine what life would be like with lighter periods. How does the average woman with light periods buy personal products? That's something I'm hoping to learn. *smiles*

Firsts

Last night was a night of firsts. First post-op orgasm, first time Master has stuck a finger in my bottom in many, many moons. He keeps threatening to have more than a finger in my bottom before I'm cleared for vaginal sex again.

I hope he's just threatening, he keeps telling me that before the end of my healing I'm going to be so hungry for his cock inside me that I'll take it anywhere as long as I can have it. I keep telling him he's full of it, it's not going to happen but I'm afraid he's right. I'm afraid it's true. I've been so aroused, frisky, horny, since Wednesday and until last night, frustrated too. I'm still somewhat frustrated, the orgasm was good, excellent even but it wasn't all I needed. I need to be f*cked, I need to feel his cock deep inside me as he shudders through his orgasm, buried as far inside me as he can be. We're both aching for that I think.

Still, anal sex? Me? It's not as if I haven't done it before and actually enjoyed it once upon a time. But that was before. Before my digestive issues got as bad as they are. Before anal sex left me with an upset stomach. Sometimes I feel like an invalid, broken, dysfunctional. Blah!

Yet, the thought of all his attempts at persuasion and possible, eventual, success is titillating. For a few moments it would feel SO good. I know it would make him feel good, satisfied. But is it worth it? That's the million dollar question.

Last night I thought the post-orgasm cramps were worth the relief of sexual tension. Today, I'm not so sure. It's possible that I'm going to hurt anyway because I've been weaning myself off the pain meds somewhat. Can't function at work when you're doped up from pain meds and it certainly isn't safe to drive that way.

So, would the possible satisfaction we'd both feel if we have anal sex be worth the intestinal discomfort I'd have afterwards? I can't answer that but I have a feeling I will find that answer sooner rather than later. We're both very sexual people and this enforced abstinence is, well, difficult.