Aftermath

Yesterday I had to face the music. He wasn't in a headspace to deal with me Saturday night, he felt it was just easier to let me do what I was set on doing rather than argue with me, which is what he thought would happen. I didn't want to argue, I just wanted him to be firm with me.

He sat down and read my journal and an e-mail I'd sent him while he slept. Then he turned to me and I knew the time had come. It wasn't easy to face because in the light of day, without all the emotions, I don't feel so brave, I feel silly and small. He wasn't angry with me, later he told me he can't be angry with me, or hold it against me, if I get frustrated with the way things are. However, that doesn't mean he can't hold me accountable for my behavior during those times.

He says I was being a brat, maybe I was. I wanted a reaction from him, preferably a dominant reaction. Inside I was screaming "Dom me dangit!" Maybe it'd go over better if I actually said those words instead of acting out.

We had a good talk, he reassured me, and asked me for ideas of how to keep the M/s alive while we're apart like we are. You're never really together when you're working opposite shifts. It's only going to get more intense in the next six months as I finish school. During the summer, two days every week I'll be gone from about 8 a.m. til 8:30 p.m., then in the fall I'll have my internship, one or two classes, and my evening job. It's going to get a lot harder before it gets easier.

Yesterday I didn't have any ideas, I needed to think a while. Today, I have a few ideas.

1.) Having to say a prayer, meditation, or affirmation daily to improve mindfulness of my position.

2.) Having to do an activity daily that reminds me of my position.

3.) Special greeting of Master when I get home from work such as going upstairs and kneeling nude in front of him, perhaps he could ask me "What are you?" and I would answer "Your slave." This is something he does with me when he wants to reinforce my position in my mind.

4.) An activity performed between us when I get home from work that would remind me of my position and would reassert his dominance of me. One thing he enjoys is not allowing me to wipe myself after I urinate, instead he does it for me. This makes me feel small and vulnerable and arouses him immensely.

5.) Submitting to a physical inspection.

I know that a couple of these ideas probably won't fit into our lives, but there are a few that would and I think they'd help us keep the M/s alive even when I can't be here to serve him and when he's too tired to be overtly dominant. I've also asked him for a permanent piece of jewelry, if he feels I deserve such a thing, to wear as a physical reminder of my place. Normally I don't think I "need" such a thing but I'm feeling very vulnerable just now.

All I know for certain is this, I feel happy, satisfied, and content when it feels like the M/s aspect of our relationship is more than just an idea in my head, something I write about, or dream about. I think it's the same for Master. He seemed so very happy and content yesterday after we hashed things out. He retook control, he expected me to serve him and allowed me to do so. He doled out a punishment he felt I'd earned, despite my disagreeing. Then we worked together too cook a sumptuous dinner that we shared together by candlelight in the dining room.

He told me afterwards that it's good that I packed the toys away, it makes the room look a bit less cluttered and they can be easily taken out and put back again. All of this was said with an evil chuckle and a glint in his eye.