Tired

Today has been a long day. Not a good one. Things have been said, disappointments have been felt.

I'm just tired. Tired of lack of lack of time, lack of energy, lack of effort despite the lack of time and energy. I'm tired of hoping only to be disappointed. I'm tired of waiting, and waiting, and waiting some more for the "right" moment.

I give up. We may as well be vanilla for all the kink and M/s in our day to day interactions. I feel like packing it all in and just giving up. Could I walk away from it? I don't know. I just know I'm tired of wanting and waiting only to be disappointed time and again.

I've packed the toys away, I'm tired of them sitting out where I can see them, collecting dust. What's the point of cleaning the dust off them anyway? They won't be used. Most of them are too noisy to use here, and let's be honest, even when we do have the rare night alone, we won't use them. Something will always come up to prevent us from playing, ruin the mood, something.

**EDIT**
I put it all away, the toys, the collar, all of it and he said nothing. He let me do it without comment, perhaps, without notice. That hurts. It makes me sad. Why won't he fight for what he wants? Does it mean he no longer wants this life with me?

Maybe he thinks I no longer want this life with him since I'm willing to pack things away. I don't know. I just can't go on like this. Either I'm slave or I'm not. All the time, not just every few months or so.

Today could have been such a good day. I woke up feeling 'lil, when I showered I shaved myself smooth for him, after the shower I rubbed my body with baby lotion. I felt playful, light, carefree. Then he continued treating me like his wife, didn't get into the playfulness, didn't hear the 'lil in my voice or didn't want to. So, I "grew up" and acted like his wife. Got the grocery shopping done and hoped that we'd have a nice evening together, there was a good possibility of having the house all to ourselves. We did have the house to ourselves but after certain things happened, certain moods changed, and words were exchanged, we spent the evening mostly on our own.

We made an attempt at play that just went horribly wrong. Neither of us was in the right frame of mind for it and neither of us was willing to make any other attempts after the first failure. We've really failed at this. That's how I feel right now. Like a failure. Who was I kidding? Maybe all I've ever been is a masochistic bottom with a slight bent for service. I feel like crap tonight and I can't seem to get sleepy. We're barely speaking, it's so uncomfortable here. I feel as if there's some huge canyon that's opened up between us and I can't seem to bridge the gap.