Blue

The weather is gorgeous outside, the air smells of life and growing things, and the sun is bright. Yet, I feel sort of blue this morning. It could be hormones, I'm told that they can go crazy after surgery. But I think it's more that I'm going back to work tonight and I'm going to miss spending my evenings with Master, helping him cook dinner, chatting, even just watching TV.

It's not forever, I have to remind myself of that. It's just that the little break we've had, it reminded me of what I've been missing. I was accustomed to our schedules, accustomed to not being here. I missed being here but it was OK, it was part of my schedule. Now, it feels like I'm going to have to get accustomed to it all over again. Sounds selfish doesn't it? Not wanting to work so I can be with Master.

I just miss him, I miss the life we had and this past week I got a little taste of how it used to be and I'm jonesing for more. I want to be DONE with school, I want to work during the day when Master does so I can be with him in the evenings, and most importantly I want it NOW. I don't want to go back to the way we've been. Neither of us with enough energy to carry on much of a conversation much less any sort of significant intimacy. Spending only an hour and a half together before we both fall into bed to sleep and start the whole cycle over again the next day. Weekends spent recovering our energy for the next work-week, sometimes both of us so tired and worn out that we're just cranky and snapping at each other.

I'm trying to throw myself back into work and school, hoping to lose myself in them so I don't miss the other life so much, the one I really want. I don't want to go back to being alone and doing my own thing. I want to be with him doing his thing! I want to be here waiting for him to greet him at the door with a smile. I want to follow him upstairs and chat while he unwinds from the work day. I want to sit with him while he showers and then maybe cuddle for a few moments before he takes a nap. I want to be here doing something and have him interrupt whatever I'm doing and ask me to get him a drink. It's ironic, the things we take for granted.