I'm in a tizzy. Okay, not a full-blown tizzy, more of a tiz I guess. I've only really served one Master in all my time on this path. With Sir it has always been more about play and sex than roles; he doesn't want to live as dominant to my submissive or slave but he likes to visit there occasionally and loves the kinky sex. M'Lady is quite similar to Master in her style and expectations of me. So, perhaps I'd be more accurate in saying I've only served one style in all this time. Either way, what it boils down to is me panicking because I don't know if it'll work. Obviously it's not the end of the world if it doesn't work and I'm being silly but I want it to work.
What am I talking about? Oh yeah... guess I didn't say did I? Well, there's an M/s couple we know and are friends with. He would like to have a "switch" day. He'd like her to serve my Master and me to serve him. My Master is open to the idea, which means if it's decided we'll be giving it a go.
As I mentioned in my last post, he likes a slave who joyfully submits and more often than not she does so. I'm not that type of slave, moreover I'm a strong-willed she-b*tch to deal with sometimes. My Master likes and appreciates this quality in me, he enjoys the challenge and enjoys my obedience despite my discomfort. I think he's a lot like a lion tamer, it must be intoxicating and hmm...empowering to see an animal that would sooner eat you than look at you performing tricks and obeying commands that you've issued. I have it on good authority that there are times I do indeed look as if I'd rather have a nibble of him than obey. That is just who I am. How do I reign that in? Performing service for my Master at a formal dinner party for dominants is different than being in service to another dominant for a day.
So, as I said, I'm in a tiz over it. Master thinks I shouldn't worry about it until such time as it's been decided and then, really, it's too late so why worry? Pfftt! Masters! He doesn't have to worry about being punished for failure to comply in the way that's desired. I'm concerned that I won't meet expectations, I've already met with the other dominant's displeasure while complying with a command from my Master. What's going to happen if he gets to be the boss of me for a day?? I understand his interest in the whole thing, he'd like to see her under the command of someone harsher than himself. He thinks my Master is that someone and he can be, usually in scene and with me. Out of scene he's relaxed, laid back, and doesn't sweat the small stuff. But does my Master really want to see me under the command of someone else? And if so, why? I LIKE my Master's style, love it even, I love serving him and I know I'd feel a certain amount of loss at not being able to serve him specifically even for a day. Yes, yes, that's selfish, I don't care. It's how I feel. I love my Master and I want to serve him as often as possible, as much as possible, for as long as possible, and I don't want to miss out on any opportunities to serve him. Granted, I could find a convoluted way to look at being lent in service to another as indirect service to him, but I think you can see that it's not quite the same.
I like playing with our dominant friend, he can be deliciously sadistic and enjoys being so with me where he doesn't with his girl because her masochist button is a little smaller than mine. Okay, I'm a pain pig. There, feel better now that I've admitted it? *ggg* But I honestly think he's going to feel the lack of his girl. She's the perfect slave for him, she suits him well. Where she's quiet, soft, and utterly feminine; I'm loud, rough in spots, and hmm... not as feminine. I'm new to being a girly girl and probably won't ever be a complete girly girl. I was a tomboy as a child, sat with legs splayed wide in a formal gown(in private) as a teen, and still retain some of that as a woman grown. Often when I'm in full girly girl regalia I feel like I'm playing dress-up, like I'm pretending to be something, someone, else. SO, you see... You don't see? *sigh*
I feel severely lacking in comparison to her and yeah, it's one tiny step to the left (then a jump to the riiiight...but I digress) to being afraid that Master will like her better, she can orgasm easily, gods know that'd be a treat for him since a good part of the time my O-button is busted. I wonder if she has similar concerns. It's funny, when I take a moment to step outside of myself, I realize that I'm not the only one who could fall prey to self-comparison. But I think, I don't think I'm too far off the mark either, that the men will be doing their own comparing and noting the differences. I wonder what may happen then. Will they want us to learn to be more like the other? Change our submissive style? Or will they realize how content they are with the partner they've chosen? I'm just as worried about how she'll feel as I am about myself. I adore her to bits and I don't want to be the cause of any bad feelings on her part.
I'm a questioner, a planner, and a control freak. I know I've said this somewhere before. The unknown scares the bejaysus out of me, hence the planning, questioning, and controlling. I need to know what to expect and what is expected of me in order to not worry. I rely heavily on Mapquest and I double-check with YahooMaps when I'm going somewhere unfamiliar. I pack for every eventuality and then some, and I spend countless hours planning and thinking about the possibilities so I feel mentally prepared for anything. Anything that makes me feel like the rug has been pulled out from beneath me is met with panic, in severe cases I shut down and the panic takes over, hence the planning, questioning.., etc.
It's at this point that they'd both pipe up with "Yes, but what are you?" Slave. Yes Master, I know and I will obey, whatever you two decide. I'm just, well, me.
So, I guess I need to get familiar with this faith concept I keep hearing about. Maybe I ought to brush up on my service skills too, just in case. There isn't much I can do about my pain tolerance or my physical endurance on a given day, but I'd do my best to not disappoint. Most importantly, I know this is the one you're most interested in Master, I'd do my best to let any jealousy or insecurity I was feeling just wash through me and let it go. I'm the best me I can be in this moment, if that's not enough then nothing ever will be and I can't control that, much as I'd like to.
Still, I'm wondering if we'd get a briefing of the expectations before it happened and would I get to ask (and have them answered) questions to clarify? Sometimes being a consensual slave isn't fun, though it is fulfilling. How's that for contrary? *chuckling*
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