I've been frustrated now for a while. Master got lazy, he relaxed his control to the point that it felt non-existent. He let infractions of the rules slide with nothing more than a playful warning of punishment the next time it happened. I understand no one likes to dole out punishment, it's not fun, it's disappointing to have to do, and I'm guessing it's upsetting too. Still, I need that discipline, that correction, and the structure. I need to know that rules will be enforced and that his expectations of me aren't going to change.
Along with relaxed rules has come a lack of play. That's always a recurring theme for us, either he's exhausted and just wants to relax, or we don't have alone time so we don't have to worry about keeping it quiet (this is almost never, we never have alone time), or when we go visit our friends with the intention to play all we do is sit and chat all night. I'm not complaining, not really. I love just sitting and chatting with our friends, I love the companionship we all share. But dang it, I need to play too! I need semi-regular SM play. I need him to be interested in doing it with me.
I don't blame him, not really. I understand why he's been lax with the rules and why he's been exhausted. His job is stressful and demanding, he's constantly in charge and on top at work. He's the go-to guy who solves a lot of problems. It's understandable that when he gets home the last thing he wants to do is be the boss of anyone. On top of all that, he's working six days a week right now covering for another guy who was injured. So no, I'm not blaming him, I'm not angry with him over any of this. I'm just frustrated by it all.
We have talked about this, I sort of blew up last week and sent him a very strongly-worded e-mail after his teasing me all night with promises of play that night, he decided he was too tired and went to sleep. Then I was angry. I was indignant, self-centered, and in general a royal b*tch. I'm ashamed to admit that I deliberately bratted in hopes of getting some sort of rise out of him. It didn't work, and sadly enough I'm still not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. I believe that I deserve(d) punishment for the way I behaved and for the e-mail I sent, it was disrespectful and downright rude. Yet, he chose to not punish me. He agreed with me that he's been slacking in his responsibilities and felt that I had the right to "call him on the carpet" over it, although he didn't care for the way I went about it. I still wish he'd have punished me but I'm not questioning his decision.
I just want my Master back, I need the man who expected certain behavior from me. I need the man who wouldn't hesitate to punish me or at the very least, chastise me for my ill behavior. Is that selfish? I suppose it is. It's hard to be half of a whole when the other half seems to be partially missing. For quite a while I'd felt as if I was being treated like a vanilla wife with a few rare kinky sprinkles. This, I guess, is a pitfall one has to be wary of if one goes into M/s after having started out and spent a good part of life as a married couple.
Still, the other day's activity with the enema seemed to help get my head right. It was such a deeply submissive act for me and I've felt worshipful of him ever since. It's funny how that happens. I wonder if it did anything similar for him. Did it make him feel more Masterful to have me submit to him like that?
We're going to make a concerted effort to keep the M/s active. He's resumed our bathroom ritual and I've been nearly beside myself with happiness over being allowed to cook many of the week's meals for him. I enjoyed it so much that I asked him if I could do it again for the coming week and he agreed. At least I'm able to serve and I'm looking for new ways to improve that service. Still, the masochist in me is frustrated. I'd be grateful for a short over the knee spanking. I'd love being pulled down over his lap and given a few short swats and then sent on my way. It would at least be something. It would indicate that he still enjoys SM play with me. Yes, I'm a silly girl sometimes, I need to know my man still enjoys certain things with me.
I got into a situation with my Sir, who isn't much of a sadist at all, where he was giving me SM play because I wanted/needed it, not because he got any actual enjoyment from it. It quickly lost its appeal when I realized he was doing it for me. It started feeling like he was serving me and it affected my submission to him. Yes, couples do things for each other because they want to. But if you're always doing something for someone else because they like it when you dislike it, that's too much like service for me to be comfortable with. Call me silly, I don't care, it's how I feel. *shrug*
So, I'm a frustrated masochist but a happy servant. I'm thankful that he's taken up the slack in the leash and that he's allowing and expecting more service from me. I just wish we could make some time for SM play.
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