The Root of the Matter

Jealousy and insecurity, I'm supposed to be working on these issues. To work on them though, one has to get to the root of the matter, to what is causing these feelings, these issues.

I read somewhere that most jealousy and insecurity is caused by our own fears. So what fears do I have that are causing my jealousy and insecurity? Big ones. I'm scared of being abandoned, cast aside, found wanting. I'm scared of not getting my needs met. Underneath all my armor I'm very needy, I need attention, I need to feel loved, I need to feel wanted. I need a lot. When I'm aroused, needing pain, or vulnerable after pain play, I'm at my neediest. I'm most vulnerable then too, open, raw. One careless word or wrong look can shatter me. After years of keeping walls around this part of me then taking them down for Master, I don't quite know how to protect myself anymore. I don't know what the happy medium between walls and no walls is, does anyone?

So, how do I get over these fears? I know I have to let myself feel the truth of his love for me, let myself see and believe in the reality that he's not going to abandon me, cast me aside, or find me wanting in comparison to another. It's hard though, it's so hard. I know it's high time I drop the baggage from my past and I think I have dropped most of it.

It's just, gods, I grew up not being good enough, being compared to my perfect little sister and being found wanting, not getting any of my needs met, being used for what I could give and then tossed aside. How do you overcome that conditioning?? That was my reality for half my life. I was the dark child, brooding, silent, mysterious, and withdrawn. I'm sure at some point I was open and loving and as full of sunshine as any other child, but somewhere along the way that changed and I became what I was, and still am to some degree.

Master, I want to get over these fears, I do, I just don't know how. How do I let go the fear of not getting my needs met? You say that I should be assertive, aggressive, and involve myself when we're with another. But you're asking a slave to act like an equal. I don't know if I am able to do that anymore. It's so much a part of me to hang back and wait for your attention or your direction, to accept what you want to give when you want to give it, to not expect you to give me attention when I want it. I feel so jumbled up about this and I think I'm talking in circles.

How do you want me to let you know if I'm in a bad place in my head when we're not alone? Am I allowed to ask for a moment alone to talk? Am I allowed to ask for some reassurance, some affection? How do I do that without giving offense? I know you want me to handle this on my own, it's my issue, and to some extent I agree. But, I need, Master. I need. I don't think I can do this completely on my own.

I know I need to change my thought process, I need to replace the old tapes with new ones, and the only person I should compare myself to is myself. This is something I have to do on my own, I know. I know also that you believe that after all this time I should feel secure in my position with you, but think for a moment, how many years did I not know? I've not had very long, in the scheme of things, to get comfortable and feel secure. I'm still learning. You may not leave me in body but you've left me in spirit in the past and it wounded me more deeply than I'd first imagined. In my head I know things are different now, I know you'd never do that again. But inside I'm still cringing, waiting for it to happen again. The glue on that particular piece of me is still fresh and not quite dry.

Yes, my jealousy and insecurity are born out of fear. I'm scared to feel the way I used to feel. Empty. I'm scared to lose what we've worked so hard to build together. I'm so scared of it that I'm holding on with a death grip. So, I'm taking baby steps, I'm letting go a little at a time, one finger at a time. I'm trying to overwrite the old tapes. I'm not worthless, I'm not ugly, I'm loved, I'm lovable, I am valued for who I am. In time I will believe these things, they will be my reality.

Until then, I humbly ask for your understanding when I stumble. Please don't assume that since I've stumbled I won't get back up. I beg your permission to ask for and be granted assurances when I feel scared. Please continue to believe in me, I will continue to strive to be all you want me to be and more.