"Have faith" he says. As if it were done as simply as saying it.
More change is afoot and change scares the crap out of me. It's unknown, uncontrollable, and not always good. It's not always bad either but one never knows til it happens does one?
No longer shall I request SM play with Sir but simply let him know if I feel I'm in need and trust that between him and Master that need may be met. A request is a demand, at least the way I phrase it it is.
No longer will I request to spend time with Sir, he will decide if he has time and will let me know when we can make plans. A request, again, is a demand in the way I've been phrasing things.
These are just two changes being made hopefully for the betterment of our relationship(s). Sir has been feeling backed into the corner because of my crazy and my response to being disappointed or upset. I have a lot to prove to him; a lot of work ahead of me to earn his trust back.
I'm scared of letting go and not asking for what I think I need. What happens if I do this and my needs go unmet indefinitely in favor of theirs? I know, slave=needs come after theirs, but it still scares me. I'm rather shaky right now. I feel as if I could shake apart if there weren't glue and duct tape holding me together.
I don't know if I will see Sir this week, the week is obviously young but the weather is supposed to be nasty for most of this week. I may not see him at all. That thought makes me sad. Not normal sad but cry-into-my-pillows-for-days-sad. It's likely disproportionate to the situation but knowing that doesn't make the reaction any different or less intense. Sir, if you're reading this please know it is not an attempt at manipulation.. I need you to understand this is my safe place to talk, vent, work things out in my head, and yes even whine sometimes.
Trust is a touchy thing for me, touchier still because Master kind of slacked off for a long time on his end. I started slacking too, so we both slacked and we're trying to get back on track. However, that doesn't mean it's easy for me to trust that he will be consistent and that he won't let me drift again. I'm supposed to trust that Sir will make time for me when he can, it's the "when he can" that trips me up. It's so uncertain and leaves so much room for whatever... I don't know what I'm trying to say here. It's just so uncertain and unstructured. I need structure to feel safe and secure; to even be able to relax and let go the death grip I have on self-protection. I'm supposed to trust that they will take care of me if I let them and stop pushing for my needs over theirs. Trust... I hate the need for it, I loathe my inability to do so easily.
I always thought I was asking for my needs in addition to theirs but I was wrong. My overly emotional reactions have pushed them into corners where they fear to push too hard, just in case. What a slave I am... not.
Faith? I don't know how to do that. Gods help me figure it out.
2 comments:
Definitely a tough lesson to learn, oh boy.
I remember having to reword so many phrases from what he considered demands and what I thought were requests. It's not easy, ever.
Stay strong!
I'm trying. It would be so easy to give up right now.
Part of me is a little angry, why wait until I ask if I'm doing something wrong before telling me? It makes me wonder if I hadn't asked if he would ever have told me.
It makes me think my crazy is bad enough that I ought to withdraw from relationships for their sake if nothing else. Definitely makes me doubt myself in so many ways.
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