Being of use

Yesterday Master told me something that made me feel very good. We had a couple of S&M sessions over the weekend and he told me that they helped ease the stress of his new work project.

There have been days when I haven't been able to do much and on those days I don't feel very useful, in fact I feel very useless, however, I read an article about serving when you're ill today in a new e-newsletter called SimplyService that has given me much to think about.

The writer wrote about taking care of oneself as an act of service. Specifically he mentioned things like hot soaks to ease painful muscles being acts of service.

Honestly, the only time I've ever been that mindful about a bath is when I was preparing myself for ritual. I think I would like to incorporate some of that mindfulness into my life and my service. Perhaps then I might be able to let go of the wonder woman routine that plays over and over in my head. I don't do everything but I sure feel like I should and I kick myself when I don't or worse, when I can't.

Change in focus?

I think I've surprised myself a little bit. Master and I had a date today to go over the cutting he did on my back a few months ago. Our plans were changed by his employer. They needed him to work today so he's working and has no idea when he'll be off.

I asked him if, since he had to work today, it meant that our plans were cancelled. He's promised that we'll still do it tonight. If it doesn't happen I feel okay with it. He'll do it when he's got the time and the right headspace for it. Mostly, I just wanted to know if I should be prepared for it. Being the cuttee takes a certain headspace too.

In the past I would have gone all pouty about it because I was disappointed and I wanted to do it when I wanted to do it. Notice the I's? Yeah, me too. I think my focus is getting better. I feel more peaceful than I have in the past.

I'm getting ready to head upstairs now and prepare my body for his use in the way that he prefers it. If he chooses to use me, I'll be ready.

Sex and sharing

This is a hot topic on the LE list right now and I've got some thoughts about the subject. It does seem that sexual sharing is very common in the D/s world.

My Master is a voyeur, he loves to watch; he loves to watch me no matter what I'm doing. But most of all he loves to see me having sex with others. He enjoys their enjoyment of me. He is very enamored of my charms and he feels it is an honor to share them with someone else.

During sex he'll talk about sharing me with others but without condoms. This scares me and I share my fears with him. As I've gotten older I've become a bit paranoid about STD's. I would like to see my children grow up; I'd like to play with my grandchildren, most of all I'd like to grow old with Master.

In the past, before the M/s, we fulfilled this fantasy with a close friend. I went along because it made him happy and at the time I enjoyed it. Today, being older and hopefully wiser, I would be concerned if Master decided that I was going to have unprotected sex with others. Ultimately, I trust him and I would have to trust that he'd taken all the precautions possible to ensure our health and safety.

This is why it is imperative to get to know a prospective owner before accepting his/her collar. I know that my Master is just as, possibly more than, concerned about our collective health and well-being as I am.

I believe Master sees things the same way I do, STD's are preventable and not using condoms is irresponsible.

The fantasy of not using them with strangers is hot for him but not hot enough to endanger me or himself to fulfill it.

Mind echoes

'Daddy' echoes in my mind whenever I think of him. He is my lover, my protector, my all.

Would I give my life for him? Get me in the right headspace and it's possible. I can't help but feel drawn towards serving him. Everything about him demands it, draws it out of me, and inspires me.

He doesn't actively dominate me all the time, still I feel dominated.

He is my Owner, my Master, and I am his.

Props for serving

I want a serving tray. I'm idealizing it I'm sure. It seems to me that it would emphasize my service to Master. I like that idea.

I want to serve him gracefully without spilling our drinks on myself as I juggle plates and glasses. In my fantasies I see myself kneeling and holding the tray steady with his plates and glass resting on it as he eats. Or perhaps having the tray resting on my back while I'm kneeling on all fours as a table.

I don't know if I'll ever get the serving tray I'm dreaming of. Soon we'll have a dining room set and we'll eat in the kitchen with the children. I think that will be nice too. I could set the table for him and serve him as he sits there watching. That would be lovely.

I can't wait for the dining room set to arrive.

Looking forward

2-16-05
Tomorrow I have outpatient back surgery. I'm having a nucleoplasty aka percutaneous discectomy. They're going into the disc with a needle and then through that needle they'll send a probe that will blast away some of the disc material. The idea is that the bulge I have will fall in and fill up the empty space. Voila, no more bulge.

I'm nervous; it would be silly to not be nervous. The risks are scary, infection and or nerve root damage. I trust my doctor; he didn't screw up either of the epidural injections so I don't think he's going to screw this up.

*********
2-17-05

Here I am, post procedure attempt and I'm well, I'm disappointed. That's right, I said attempt. They tried but had to call it off because each attempt caused horrible pain to shoot down my rear, my leg, and into my foot. It was bad enough that it sobered me up from the sedation they'd given me. The doctor tried at least three times but each time the pain was unbearable.

He called it off because if just having the needle in the disc was causing that kind of pain, the chances of causing nerve damage were greater.

I was SO looking forward to this procedure. I believed I would be better, I believed it would reduce my pain. I cried for a while when they took me into recovery. I cried out my frustration and my disappointment. I'm still a little sad but I'm not beaten yet.

The doc says we're going to continue treating this with meds and exercise. Master, of course, says he's going to give me the weekend to recover from the attempted procedure and then he's going to begin working me. After watching a program about back pain he's become a firm believer in exercise as the path to complete healing.
*****
2-18-05

This morning I'm feeling a little more positive than I was yesterday. I'm still disappointed but I accept that it's out of my control. I'm going to have to throw myself into exercising and learn to continue through the pain; Master keeps reminding me that Monday I have to start exercising. If it weren't for him pushing me, I probably wouldn't do it. But, fighting against him is like pounding your fists on a brick wall. You end up with bruised hands and a wall still standing there, immovable.

Self-torture

I knew I shouldn't do it, I knew it was a mistake, but I did it anyway. I watched a scary movie by myself. I'm all alone in the house and I watched a scary movie.

I fooled myself into thinking that since it was daytime it would be okay, it wouldn't be as scary. What was I thinking?

Scary movies scare me despite my fervent desire to enjoy them they scare me. I still have irrational childhood fears of the dark and the nasty things that happen in the dark. When I watch scary movies those fears are amplified for some time afterwards. It sounds silly when I see it in print but it's true. I've never gotten completely over my fear of the dark.

I still have nightmares and when I wake up from them I see things crawling in the dark. My heart pounds in my chest and I am breathless with fear. I lay there trying to focus on whatever it is that I see crawling on the ceiling and then like magic, my vision clears and whatever I thought I saw is gone. I calm myself and try to go back to sleep, all the while trying to convince myself that nothing is going to come up from under the bed to grab me. As I close my eyes the nightmare that I was having is there waiting for me to resume where we left off. I have to work to dream of something else and sometimes, sometimes I'm not always successful.

I'm a grown woman, married and enslaved, mother of three, yet I'm still scared of the dark, I still have nightmares and yes, scary movies scare me.

There are certain movies I know I have to avoid but somehow, they call to me! They're enticing, beguiling, they promise to be entertaining, and they are until they're over. Then I realize my mistake. Will I ever learn?

Valentine's Day

A day celebrating lovers and loving. Master and I don't need a special day to show each other our love but we do like to celebrate it.

Master took the day off and when I got home from my classes he and I went out, we had lunch, we shopped, bought wine and sparklies for my hair, and we each had a little Godiva chocolate. It was a wonderful afternoon.

In the evening Master cooked a scrumptious dinner for the three of us, it was only him, myself, and HRS for dinner since Zboy and Zgirl were out with friends. Master and I enjoyed a really nice red wine from the local winery with our dinners.

After dinner we watched Shark Tale with HRS, wonderful movie and wonderful family time. Then we booted her royal tushie out of the living room while we watched Alien vs. Predator.

We had some loverly 'Dult time after everyone went to bed and we finished the night with fresh strawberries and fat free whipped topping. It was fun, it felt decadent, and almost naughty because we ate the strawberries in our bedroom.

I think I'm one lucky girl. I love and am loved in return.

Color me orgasmic

No sex here, although the scent of the leather lying on our bed right now is enough to get this girl's fire blazing.

Master has spoiled me absolutely rotten in the last 24 hours. Last night he bought me cutting mats and a rotary cutter. Today he took me on a trip to the Leather Factory. I paused just inside the door and took a couple of deep breaths, taking in the scent that permeated the air and sighing happily. Leather just smells like heaven to me.

He bought me two lovely pieces of pigskin in black and purple. I'll be making braided handles for the three new canes I made for him.

Now that I have the basic tools I can make several leather toys and one that isn't leather, which I've been dreaming about having. It also means that I'll be able to make toys for m'Lady as well.

I'm feeling very pumped up right now, who knew new craft projects and some time spent breathing in leather were good medicine for emotional funks? *grins*

Life is good.

Later in the day/moody

You know, I tried. I tried to go to class today. I was in a good mood and felt fine.

Then I went outside and began clearing off my car, the ice off the windows and the snow. I worked hard, became exhausted, and had little to show for it.

Time ticked by and I suddenly realized that I'd be late to my first class. I hate being late, everyone looks at you as you walk in with those inquisitive eyes, the ones that ask "So what kept you?"

Then it hit me, this disgustingly apathetic, I don't give a rodent's rectum, kind of mood. I just don't feel like being anywhere or doing anything today. The weather is awful; I want the warm days we had last week, and for pity's sake! Quit snowing! I can handle rain; I can handle dreary, gray skies. I'm full up on snow just now, keep it, I don't need it.

Some of what I'm feeling feels a bit like depression. I had some mild panic and anxiety yesterday afternoon so it stands to reason that I could very well be starting another depression cycle. Gads I hope not. I'm on enough meds and I absolutely H-A-T-E what they do to me. The last one I was on made me feel like I was detached from my body. It was very disconcerting to say the least. There was also that little problem with orgasming, couldn't do it very well if at all.

So here I sit with a warm blanket over my lap waiting for warmer weather.

Reprimands

Reprimands are entirely appropriate when I'm misbehaving or not paying attention. However, I really dislike public reprimands or even punishments. Especially in a vanilla setting.

Last night while Master and I were in the checkout at Wal-Mart he had to get my attention so I would bring the cart further down the lane so he could load it with the sacked groceries. After he got my attention he delivered a reprimand that anyone nearby would have heard since we were about six feet apart at the time.

The words were simple "Don't do it again" but the tone of voice they were delivered in spoke of his displeasure at my attention wandering. I was looking at a nail file when I should have been pushing the cart to the end of the lane for him to load while I stood ready to make payment.

At first I just felt bad that I hadn't been paying attention and that he had to reprimand me, and then my nose started running and tears filled my eyes as I realized where we were and what had just happened. I had to fight hard to keep the tears from flowing. I felt heartbroken, not only had I made a mistake, everyone near us knew my shame too.

For most of my life I've carried with me, deep within my heart, the fear that everyone around me would see my shameful secrets if I didn't work hard to keep them hidden. Public humiliation is directly related to this as are public reprimands. These things expose me to the world and they make me vulnerable to strangers.

A secondary concern for me is that others will think of Master as abusive and will pity me. I know, the thoughts of strangers don't matter, but in a way they do. I don't want anyone to see what he does with his slave as abusive because it isn't.

As soon as we got away from the checkout he was instantly trying to sort out why I was crying over what he felt was nothing and should be quickly forgotten. Once we were in the car and I was able to tell him what was going on inside my head, he began explaining his position and reassured me that his intention was not public humiliation. Then he soothed and calmed me.

The people who heard the reprimand didn't get to hear that, they didn't get to see his obvious love and concern for me as we talked.

I guess it really shouldn't matter as it was Wal-Mart and one does see some pretty unusual things there.

Still, even at Wal-Mart, I can't handle being exposed like that.

At last!!

At last, finally, it happened!! Last night Master and I had some much needed play time. We went to a friend's play party and took advantage of the opportunity.

I don't think it went quite as he'd planned but it did go for quite some time and the energy we built together was primal and electric. He tore my butt up but I got my licks in too.

We started on the cross with floggers and the quirt, paused for a rest and some water and then moved to the spanking bench for more of the quirt and heavy spanking. I learned later that Master was spanking with all his might. We paused again and I chuckled wickedly while looking him in the eye and asked "Is that all you got?" This was a challenge, plain and simple. I needed to play, I needed to have the fight taken out of me and he was game.

We tussled a bit there on the couch. He bit me a few times but had to work for it. By the time we stopped to catch our breath we were both extremely aroused and had we been at home, would have had some very violent sex.

Instead he put me back on the spanking bench and brought out the canes. He caned my entire backside, from my upper back down to my butt and then to the bottoms of my feet. It was intense, delicious, infuriating, and exciting all at once. I fought to be still, I wasn't physically restrained, I could have run but I didn't. He wanted me there, I stayed. Even though it hurt, I loved it, I reveled in the hurt, wallowed in it, took strength from it. Near the end I yelled into the cushions and cursed at him. He just ate it up...he loved my fighting; it fed him and gave him strength as much as the pain did the same for me.

Afterwards we were both energized and relaxed and just feeling good. This morning I feel so playful and light. Most of all, I feel connected to him. I feel more aware of him; I don't have to see him to feel him sitting there behind me.

Today it feels as if everything is in proper alignment, my mindset, my attitude, and my heart.

Controlled appearance

My Master controls my appearance. I think this is one of the first areas of control many dominant types like to take over. Well-dressed and well-behaved property is desirable, it is a good reflection on them and for Masters like mine, and it’s a turn-on too.

But how do we, as the submissive types feel about it? I rebelled at first. I liked my "mom wear" it was comfy and simple. Jeans and a t-shirt, what can be simpler than that? Sweatpants? Yeah, those went out the door many years ago, even before we'd considered an M/s relationship.

My favorite t-shirts are the kind with cutesy prints on them. Hearts, butterflies, sayings, and even better if they've got glitter or sparkling gems. I'm addicted to these things and am drawn to them like a moth to a flame. Unfortunately, they don't make me look like the lady Master wants me to be. So, they're slowly being relegated to being worn only around the house. Even though I didn't like this at first, I'm beginning to enjoy it now. Every time I look at an item in my wardrobe I think about his reaction and try to choose something that he'll like. This really reinforces his control of me by making me mindful of his preferences.

There are other things about my appearance that my Master controls. Things like shaving, I am supposed to keep my legs, pubic area, and underarms shaved regularly. He also has the final say on any body modifications I might want. For instance, I'm not allowed to have any oral piercings, he just doesn't like them. I've also got a spider web tattoo that he plans on having covered up sometime this year.

I pouted at first about the oral piercing ban, I love oral piercings and I still miss the lip piercing I had years ago. However, I understand that I exist for his pleasure and it would really turn him off to have to see a ring or a barbell sticking out of my lip or tongue.

I think language falls under the appearance category as well. Think about how someone appears to you when every other word they say is a profanity. This was once me; I swore like a factory worker and probably appeared to be uncouth and ill-mannered. I can't imagine wanting to own a person like this. Master has enforced a no swearing ban everywhere but in the bedroom. I'm thankful for this. It made me learn to stop and think about what I was saying and what image I wanted to project and, more importantly, how he wanted me to appear.

Things like shaving and not swearing have become "normal" for me and I take a bit of pleasure in knowing how pleased he is by these things. This isn't to say that I'm always successful, far from it. I don't always succeed at keeping things shaved, sometimes I don't have time, or I just hurt too much to do it. And sometimes a profanity will slip out.

All in all, I'd say I really like my Master taking an interest and choosing to control my appearance. I want to look and behave my best for him so that I am a slave he can be proud of owning.

Surgery

Or something similar. I'm scheduled to have the nucleoplasty procedure in about two weeks. Nervous? Yeah. Eager? You betcha! I'm looking forward to being "fixed" finally. I want to get back to "normal" and most importantly, I want to stop hurting so often. It'd be nice to be able to go grocery shopping and not have to slow down to a snail's pace because of the pain.

There are risks, of course. Any surgical procedure brings the risk of infection with it. This one also has the risk of damage to the nerve roots that are near the disc. That's a scary prospect but so is having my condition degenerate until I'm bedridden with the pain. If I have to go down I'm going down fighting. I'm going to try every available option.

I have faith in my doctor and I have faith that I will heal.