Reprimands are entirely appropriate when I'm misbehaving or not paying attention. However, I really dislike public reprimands or even punishments. Especially in a vanilla setting.
Last night while Master and I were in the checkout at Wal-Mart he had to get my attention so I would bring the cart further down the lane so he could load it with the sacked groceries. After he got my attention he delivered a reprimand that anyone nearby would have heard since we were about six feet apart at the time.
The words were simple "Don't do it again" but the tone of voice they were delivered in spoke of his displeasure at my attention wandering. I was looking at a nail file when I should have been pushing the cart to the end of the lane for him to load while I stood ready to make payment.
At first I just felt bad that I hadn't been paying attention and that he had to reprimand me, and then my nose started running and tears filled my eyes as I realized where we were and what had just happened. I had to fight hard to keep the tears from flowing. I felt heartbroken, not only had I made a mistake, everyone near us knew my shame too.
For most of my life I've carried with me, deep within my heart, the fear that everyone around me would see my shameful secrets if I didn't work hard to keep them hidden. Public humiliation is directly related to this as are public reprimands. These things expose me to the world and they make me vulnerable to strangers.
A secondary concern for me is that others will think of Master as abusive and will pity me. I know, the thoughts of strangers don't matter, but in a way they do. I don't want anyone to see what he does with his slave as abusive because it isn't.
As soon as we got away from the checkout he was instantly trying to sort out why I was crying over what he felt was nothing and should be quickly forgotten. Once we were in the car and I was able to tell him what was going on inside my head, he began explaining his position and reassured me that his intention was not public humiliation. Then he soothed and calmed me.
The people who heard the reprimand didn't get to hear that, they didn't get to see his obvious love and concern for me as we talked.
I guess it really shouldn't matter as it was Wal-Mart and one does see some pretty unusual things there.
Still, even at Wal-Mart, I can't handle being exposed like that.
