Imagining

Things have been pretty low key around here with all the busyness and chaos we've had. In the past couple of days I've found myself fantasizing about crawling across his lap and presenting my bottom for a soft, sensual spanking. It's not really about the pain but the connection.

I've been feeling kind of disconnected from him. We each deal with stress and our emotions differently but one thing we seem to have in common is this, we turn inward only reaching out when our need is great. This isn't to say that we're not there for the other and that we don't reach out. It's just that it takes us a while. We try to work it out on our own first.

I think I'm finally at a point where I'm ready to reconnect and the way I seem to need/want to do it is through physical closeness. When he spanks me he alternates strikes with strokes of his hand across my bottom, my back, my thighs. It is such a luxurious and comforting feeling.

Sometimes I really ache to be touched, I ache for skin to skin contact. Not necessarily sexual touching either. Just touching. I love having my back stroked, it's soothing to me.

I like doing the touching too. I pet and stroke Master's chest, belly, and sometimes his back if he'll let me. His skin is extra sensitive so touching often feels like a tickle to him.

I'd love to spend a day, just he and I, naked and touching.

Remembering

I remember when I was pregnant with LMR, I knew she was the daughter I'd been waiting for. I'd picked her name when I was pregnant with her brother, ZBoy. I saw her name in a baby name book and fell in love with it. I knew I'd have a daughter and would give her that name. About two years later, I did just that.

Early in my pregnancy Alan wanted me to have an abortion. We were dirt poor, really didn't like each other, and already had one child to support. From the outside, not having more kids made a lot of sense. From where I was sitting, a very unrational place, I couldn't kill my daughter. I was a train wreck throughout my teenage years and into my early 20s. I was a train wreck when Alan met me, the more comfortable I got with him, the safer I felt with him, the more of the wreckage I allowed him to see. I'm not proud of who I was nor am I proud of some of the decisions I made. My thinking was distorted and I wasn't mentally healthy in any sense of the word.

But I'd chosen to keep LMR and he had no choice but to accept my decision, he was committed to his responsibilities.

She was LMR from birth. As a toddler she didn't see things the same way as the rest of us did. Things we thought were funny or cute she found annoying. One night in a restaurant, during a dinner with his family, she brandished a steak knife (I still don't know how or why she had one at that age) at her grandmother and said "I'm going to kill you." She was under the age of three. Around the same time at another family gathering a relative was oohing and ahhing over how cute she was and moved as if to stroke her hair and LMR pulled back and said "Don't touch me!"

But there were good times too, lying on my bed and giggling as I flew her through the air and gave her a silly superhero name. We did that a lot, she loved it. Snuggling on the couch for afternoon naps together. Finding her already awake in the mornings bouncing and smiling in her crib, lighting up the entire room with her megawatt smile when I walked into the room.

There are other good memories too, things that really spotlight her odd sense of humor, one she inherited from me. Two of her favorite cartoons now are Foamy and Mr. Salad Fingers. One of her loves is drawing and making ink dot pictures. She's truly talented.

Her JCO called me today, he collected some information from me and says he'll call me back when he knows more. There is so much good about this girl, so much good in her. I hate to see it thrown away because she's running from herself. I hate watching her make destructive choices in her life. I want to protect her. I tried to make her JCO understand my concern for her, I emphasized that I don't feel like she's safe or that she's making safe choices. I hope he takes that into consideration.

I want to stay home, close to the phone, so I know what's going on.

I want to thank everyone for the words of support and a special someone for reaching out to me. A pain shared is easier to bear than a pain felt all alone. I have faith that things will work out as they're supposed to. It's just difficult waiting for them to do so and feeling helpless against it all.

Scattered Thoughts

It's been a long few days. I alternate between being okay and having to fight back tears. I'm at a loss. I don't know how to deal with this. I don't know what to do, the parenting rule book doesn't have a section for out of control teenagers.

I checked in with HRS yesterday when we had a bit of alone time, I'm sure this turmoil is affecting her but she claims to be fine. I'll keep checking in with her, maybe eventually she'll feel comfy talking about it. ZBoy seems to be okay too. Though, he and LMR have had practically no relationship for the past four months or so due to a fight they had. Still, I know he worries about her, we all do. I did something kind for him today which made him smile.

I had a bit of a chat with LMR's school counselor today, it looks as if things aren't going to be all sunshine and roses for her because she's violated probation. I'm torn, as I'm sure Master is too. We both want to take care of her, we also want to minimize the stress on the family as a whole and keeping LMR out of trouble is one way to do that.

Unfortunately, keeping her out of trouble at this point would require lying and or not communicating with the JCO. I was informed today that this sort of behavior would likely land us, the parents, in a load of trouble ourselves. It was a friendly warning I think, just in case we might have been leaning that way to help decide us against it. The school counselor has been leaning this way herself. She worked really hard to help LMR last year, to keep her from heading in the wrong direction.

When my logical head is on I know that protecting her from herself is not the answer. It's only delaying the inevitable, her having to deal with the consequences of her actions. That's no help, she's got to mature a bit, we're not always going to be there to run interference.

She's still not home though she did call us last night to check in and to tell us she was still trying to make up her mind. I wonder if she realizes she's taken all the choices out of our hands, and hers, and put them in the hands of the JCO? *sigh*

I've noticed myself feeding my sorrow more and more often. Feel sad? Eat something. I'm trying to reign that in but it isn't easy.

Master and I did have some quality alone time over the weekend, we even tried a new (to us) restaurant for dinner. That was fun, stepping outside of our comfort zone and trying something new. I hope we can manage to do that more often, I think we both need it.

I have no idea what's going to happen with LMR, her JCO was out of the office today but I've left him messages as has her school counselor. I honestly don't know what he'll do. I do know that more community service isn't the answer. *sigh*

Parenthood Heartbreak

I wasn't going to post about this but I need to get it out of me. Last night Little Miss Raincloud decided to leave home for good. Last night I wasn't upset, last night I was firm and accepting. Master was sick with worry. Last night when I went to bed my last thoughts were a silent wish for her "Be safe".

This morning I'm sad. This morning I feel her absence. I thought I'd detached enough from her to not worry, to not feel this sadness at her absence. I guess I was wrong.

She left because we grounded her for skipping school yesterday. We were both certain that as soon as we disciplined her she'd bolt and we were right. She's got balls though, this girl. She tried getting her father to take her to her boyfriend's house, where we're pretty sure she's staying, after she got off work. Too bad for her I'd already spoken to him and told him what was going on.

I'm angry with her childish behavior. I'm angry and hurt because she'd called my cell phone while I was at work, I called her back an hour later to see what she'd needed and by then she was already gone but didn't say anything to me about being gone.

This parenting thing sucks. It's heartbreaking. I just keep hoping she's safe and that some common sense will eventually seep into her teenaged brain.

Stepping Out of Role?

Did I or didn't I? I don't know. I know I behaved badly, made a complete ass of myself is what I did.

I had planned today to be devoted to my studies, I have a lot of medical terminology stuff to get done. When Zgirl (aka Little Miss Raincloud) and Master informed me that she'd need a ride home from school in the middle of the day and then a ride to work, I came unglued. I was angry and let them both know that I was angry. I told them I'd planned the day for homework that I'd needed to get done. I was a jerk.

Later on in the evening, just around bedtime, Master and I were still talking about it. It was quite obvious from my facial expression that I was still upset. He didn't seem to understand what I thought was a serious disregard for my study needs. I told him he had no concept of what it was like to try to study and deal with all the home stuff, plus work. I thought I was making a statement of fact but in actuality, I was being cruel in the way I said it. Arms flailing through the air, emphasizing "no concept" and tone clearly disdainful and angry.

He got angry, rightfully so, and responded in kind. And of course, I took further offense. I tossed a couple more barbs and then informed him I was going to bed. I didn't ask and didn't wait for him to tell me I needed to sit down and talk. I just went to bed. And when he came to bed? I was still awake but I was still mad and feeling hurt so I feigned sleep and was soon truly asleep. I hate going to bed like that, with such tension between us. It's even worse that it was entirely my doing. I can be such a pigheaded fool sometimes.

Did I step out of my role? I don't think so, I think I was just a very badly behaved slave who forgot her place in a fit of anger and hurt feelings.

I've been stressed out with all that's going on. If it isn't Zboy in crisis it's Zgirl and if it isn't either of them it's HRS (Her Royal Shortness). And if it's none of them it's Master. It seems to be a never-ending cycle of stress and crisis and I'm at my limit. I've been saying that I need some stress relief, I need time off from school, work, and mommyhood. I need a break or I'm going to break. But through all of this, the role doesn't change, at my core I am still his slave. I'm just his slave in crisis right now.

I'd love to blame it all on hormones. Easy excuse eh?

Relating

I was going to just respond in comments to TJ but as I was typing I realized it was more of a post than a comment. *chuckles*

TJ said: "Though I am entirely too free spirited and inflexible to go into TPE with anyone, I think if you chose to do it, and be married, each TPE couple should agree to a 24hr period each month for the TPE to be called off and to just be a married couple. It gives everyone breathing room and a chance to be totally out of the norm. It helps refresh you, Him and you both learn to appreciate the TPE more each time. Over time you may not need it."

I think to an extent this can be true and can work for some folks. However, submission isn't something I am able to put on and take off at will, it's an integral part of who I am and how I relate to him. Actually, it's how I tend to relate to many "authority" figures. This fact was really brought home to me on Monday at work. My supervisor came around to the team asking each of us if we could maybe commit to come in earlier. (the new client we've just started taking calls for has a heavier call load than was expected) When she got to me I was torn. I wanted to say "Sure I can come in an hour earlier!" That submissive in me was dying to not disappoint her. It just happens to be the way I relate to dominant type people.

So, even if I weren't acting submissive to him, I'd still have all these feelings inside. I'd still be wondering, "Am I pleasing him?" I'd still be wanting to do things to please him.

In a TPE relationship, at least in this one, we can't just set aside the dynamic. It permeates every nook and cranny of our lives. It would be like trying to set aside my motherhood. I can't do it, I am a mom. Even when I'm out with friends or with Master, I'm still a mom and somewhere in the back of my mind, I'm thinking about the kids.

However, I wholeheartedly agree that we each need to do things that refresh us. Not that long ago we were doing a lot more playing and I don't mean SM. We were going out, spending time with friends, and just being adults together. That stopped when schedules and money got tighter. I think that's what folks are hearing when I'm writing. We've got a lot on our plates right now and we're both stressed and unhappy with that stress.

danae and jewels are right, there is an ebb and flow to every relationship, sometimes you click, sometimes you don't. When you don't you really miss the times when you do. Or at least, I really miss the times when we do click. So, we're stuck in a big ebb right now and could be for the next couple of years until I've finished school and can finally find a day job.

Wondering

With all this new turmoil we’ve been dealing with I don’t know where this leaves us with our M/s dynamic.

Wednesday we had a phone conversation about the whole issue around ZBoy’s narking incident just before I had to leave for work. He was a bit upset and was rather harsh on the phone. I didn’t take it well and hung up on him.

A little while later he called back and we talked some more. I was at Defcon 10 with my emotional upset and wasn’t very receptive to anything he had to say. At one point I told him I didn’t feel that my motherhood was respected by him and that I couldn’t be married to, or belong to, a man who didn’t respect that. I said some pretty hurtful things and I regret them now. Hindsight and all that, you know.

We didn’t speak to each other beyond the necessities Wednesday night when I got home from work. When we went to bed I wasn’t ready to talk but I wanted him to know I still loved him and that I wasn’t going anywhere so I reached out and laid my hand on his back. He reached back and rubbed my arm and then we fell asleep. I think that was one of the only nights either of us has ever woken up in the position we’ve fallen asleep in.

Last night we talked about our issues and we reconnected. But, we didn’t discuss the power exchange. It was obvious, when we went to bed, that he still expects me to obey. “You’re not the boss of me” isn’t a good reason to not comply when commanded to remove my panties. I guess he’s not accepting my “request” for release and he’s not choosing to release me. I’m glad he doesn’t take action as soon as I say something in the heat of the moment. I’m not very rational when I’m upset; my first instinct has always been to run away when things get difficult. As a teenager I’d run away physically, as an adult, mentally and emotionally. It’s really difficult for me to stay in the moment, to stay present and deal with it all like a rational adult. I’m still learning.

I’m probably over thinking things. The power exchange, even if we were to agree to drop it for the sake of our marriage, would still be present. It’s how we relate to one another. I had renewed symptoms of the UTI, that I’m still trying to get rid of, and I had to call him. I needed his input on what to do. I needed his permission to go to the doctor instead of going to work. Not because he requires it but because I needed it. I don’t know how to explain it without sounding like I’m co-dependent either. But, staying home from work is a big decision I lose almost 50 dollars by missing a night of work. I don’t feel comfortable making that sort of decision on my own unless I’m really feeling like I’m dying. There’s also a comfort issue, I feel comforted, validated when he agrees with me that I need stay home from work and see the doctor. I feel cared for.

Well F*ck Me Running!

You know, you never really do know someone even if you've raised them.

I just found out that my son decided to nark his sister off to the school police officer who in turn is calling her JCO and they're going to do a random UA on her. Wonderful. Just when things were starting to wind down he's cranking up the drama again.

I understand he *thinks* he's doing the right thing from some sanctimonious position of piety that the rest of us will never achieve. Personally I believe he's found a way to get even with her and didn't give a thought to the rest of us.

Never mind the fact that his information is all hearsay. Could he be bothered to speak to us? Or ask her directly to confirm what he's heard? No, he decides that narking to the police is the best way to handle this situation. There are days, like today for instance, that I'd like to shake some common sense into him. Instead I told him to either leave or go to his room, I wasn't of a mind to talk calmly.

We know what she's been doing, we accept the reality of the situation. There's not much we can do, she's not ready to accept that what she's doing (drinking and drugs) is not good for her and what's more, is against the law. That's the most difficult part of being a parent, having to accept that there are some things that are beyond your control. Oh sure, we could ground her, we could even force her into drug treatment. And we could pay anywhere from a few hundred to a few thousand dollars for something that will do no good because she's not ready to quit. That's the one thing few seem to realize, you can't FORCE an addict to quit, they have to be ready to do it. The ADDICT has to come to the realization that they're not in a good place and no amount of lecturing from parents or other authority figures, no amount of therapy, is going to get them there before it's time.

I am.....upset. I am saddened and angered by my son's actions and by the possible consequences of all of this. I am intimidated by the possible upcoming additional hoops we'll (I'll) have to jump through. I am worried about going to work and leaving this for Master to deal with, his isn't the coolest of heads when he feels like his family is threatened and this certainly will fall under that heading. His son has just done something he'll consider a betrayal of the family.

I guess I have to have faith that things will work out however they're meant to.

I'm Still Alive

I know, I haven't posted in a bit but I can explain, really! *smiles*

Life has been hectic around here, we've had health issues, migraines, and I'm contemplating a trip to the urologist because of repeated UTIs and bladder infections that are becoming more difficult to treat. It's truly frightening to be facing that but I'm just matter-of-fact about it. We will find a way to fix things, we'll adapt. What other choice is there?

Working evenings is beginning to wear on me and I think I'd be correct in saying that it's wearing on Master too. He's just not the "Mr. Mom" type. He is giving it a Herculean effort but he just doesn't seem as much himself lately, he's exhausted. Sometimes I wonder if I should just quit school and see if I can get day hours where I'm at. I'm sure that'd be a mistake though and I keep plugging along, hoping that we'll get through it. The end seems so near to me, it's within my grasp, I just have to keep at it.

Today is Master's birthday and I'm sad that I can't spend it with him. If I had my way I'd clear a few hours for just he and I to be alone after taking him out for a romantic dinner. Once home I'd lead him upstairs to give him a full body massage with a spicy scented oil, nude of course so I could use my entire body to rub him down with. Afterwards, a nice hot shower for two.

Instead I have to go to work and won't see him until I get home around 8:30 and the next hour and a half until bedtime will be spent dealing with the kids' stuff and decompressing. Then to bed where we'll try to fall asleep so we can get up and do the same thing again tomorrow.

In many ways I miss being a stay-at-home mom and housewife. I miss being here, being available, for him. I miss being here when he gets home and sitting on the bed upstairs while he talks to me about his day. I miss the opportunities for quickie sex after his shower. I hope to have some semblance of that again some day, my goal is to end up working from home in the long term. I enjoy my co-workers and my workplace, I don't much care for the work itself, but I do feel successful. I guess I just want it all.

Through all of this I feel like I've lost touch with my slave-self. If I'm tired at night, he lets me just veg. If I'm not in the mood for sex, up until the last two nights, he'd let me refuse. I'm not laying this at his feet, I know better and I've been taking advantage of his good nature. I've just let myself go on automatic pilot, my mouth, my brain, everything. Bad slave girl, bad.

His

Master's birthday is next week and his company allows its employees a day off of their choosing during their birthday month. Master chose to take this Monday off.

The day started early for me, I still had to go to class. A girl needs her education afterall. While I was in class Master was sleeping in, or so I thought. When I got home from class I woke him and eventually he got into the shower. I thought perhaps he'd forgotten that we'd discussed using the day to get some much needed SM play. Actually, I was halfway hoping he'd forgotten, I wasn't sure I was in the mood for SM. His command when he got out of the shower let me know he hadn't forgotten. "Put on some music."

I was a bit nervous then. The butterflies in my stomach had butterflies. I was truly nervous at what he'd do to me without the possibility of children hearing to keep him in check.

I put on some music that I like, something soft and ambient, hoping that the gentle music would influence him a little. Heavy/loud music tends to get him ramped up as does Beethoven. As I said, I was worried so I chose something I thought was "safe".

I don't recall how I ended up naked, but after that he ordered me onto the bed with my butt in the air. He started with spanks and moved into floggers. He really laid into my back with the floggers. One side of my back is a lot more sensitive, the side with the cutting. The scar tissue is extra-sensitive. I gasped out that I couldn't take as much on the right side, I told him it burned. I should have known better, no sooner had I uttered the words he laid into that side with gusto with the words "Really? It doesn't hurt me a bit."

For a moment, just a moment, tears threatened and I felt absolutely miserable. For a split second I felt as if he were punishing me for something. Then reason took over and all was well. I knew it was just his sadistic tendencies, give him a reaction and he'll work twice as hard to get more of it.

After the flogging he began punching... yes, I said punching. He punched all the big muscles in my thighs, butt, and upper back. Over and over, developing a rhythm that I began to relax into. I think if he'd continued I might well have zone out a bit. I'd just begun to feel super relaxed, my breathing was deep and regular, and I was feeling a wee bit floaty, and he stopped. He tormented me then, you see, he brought out the horrible rubber paddle. I hate that thing, it's pure evil. He placed it on my butt and I was sure he'd use it on me. But no, he had another surprise in store for his girl. Instead of feeling the impact of the paddle, I felt the sharpness of cold steel. Yes, Master brought out the knife and I was tickled pink! He hasn't gotten the knife out in so long that I'd almost forgotten how much I enjoy it.

He used the knife very thoroughly, little pokes here and there to make me gasp and feel jumpy, long deep scratches as (I later found out) he scratched words into my bottom. I actually felt real fear while he had the knife out, it'd been so long and I felt so new to all of it.

Soon he put the knife away and that's when the fun sexy stuff started and that's where I'll stop my narration for tonight.

Suffice it to say that I feel very fortunate that he chose to use his birthday day off to spend with me.

Slain Demons

I'm posting twice in one day, a rare thing. Last night was a mile marker for me and something I need to put in print so I always remember it.

I was able to offer something sexual to Master that, in the past, even a hint of it would have left me a train wreck. Since I've got this UTI penetrative sex is just not a cool thing right now but Master still has needs that I want to take care of. He's been very kind and hasn't made any demands, he never does when I'm ill, but I can see that he's been frustrated and it bugs me when I'm unable to see to his needs.

Anyway, last night I suggested that he could f*ck me between my thighs and he took me up on that offer. I laid on side and after he lubed up the area between my thighs, I clenched my legs together as he slid between them. It felt pretty good, a nice tease for me as the top of his cock rubbed against my pussy with every stroke.

Why is this a mile marker? Why do I title this post Slain Demons? Simply this, the act I described above was done to me by my abuser. In the past if there was even a hint of that happening it would throw me into a very dark place of flashbacks and body memories. Not a pleasant place to be when you're with your lover.

Last night, when I made the suggestion, the memories did surface and even now they're playing behind my eyes, but they no longer have the power they once did. I am able to sift through them and let them go without mentally becoming that little girl who didn't understand. It's taken many, many years to get to this point, lots of blood, sweat, and tears; mine and Master's. I think I'm finally making the transition from survivor to thriver. I never thought it was possible, ever. I thought I'd always be controlled by my past. I still have days when the demons try to make a comeback, I'd be lying if I said otherwise, but I don't let them hang around for long. I still have things that can and will trigger the old feelings and I avoid them as much as possible, sometimes it's best not to pick at old wounds.

I think the most important thing that has happened is entirely mental, I no longer define myself by my past but by my present and my future. I'm lucky, I know it and I say it often. My horrors weren't as great as those of others, but horrors are horrors and we all heal from them in our own way.

Lowered Tolerance

This week I've been thinking about lowered tolerance and how it applies to me. First off, I have yet another UTI and it's been a doozy. I have always told people that I have a low tolerance to UTIs and bladder infections, if I feel even a hint of one I'm off and running to the doctor because I can't deal with the pain of them.

It was only this week that I realized the 'why' behind my low tolerance for that type of pain, nevermind that they hurt like the dickens. I had my first UTI as a teenager and I was staying with my grandparents at the time. I didn't know what was wrong at the time, all I knew was that my belly hurt and it hurt beyond belief to pee. I didn't say anything, I wasn't comfortable talking to them about it. So, the entire week or so that I stayed there, I suffered in silence. I had more sleepless nights than I care to count due to the gnawing pain in my belly.

Ever since then I get panicky when I have UTI symptoms and I keep a urinary analgesic on hand just in case. I did finally get treatment when I went home, found out I had a lovely little STD too (go me).

I have also made some mental connections this week regarding my low tolerance to some pain that Master chooses to dish out. A few months back while I was at the dentist's office and whining about the pain as she cleaned my teeth, she pointed out that all the pain meds I'm on can actually reduce one's tolerance to pain. This was reinforced by a magazine article I read while sitting in the doctor's office this week. It made me feel better knowing it's not me, it's the medication causing it. It's important to me to be able to be an outlet for his sadistic needs as well as, I do have my own masochistic needs. Although now, my needs are usually met long before his are. *chuckling* However, I should note that sometimes he enjoys it even when I'm not and I'm glad that it works that way for him.

I guess the reason I'm writing all this is because I want to mark this new knowledge of myself. It's important to me to know myself as thoroughly as possible and in knowing myself I am better able to be transparent to Master. That's my theory and I'm sticking to it. *smiles*

Support

Today's post comes from Kindlings.


6. Do you look to other slaves/peers for support and/or validation?

In the beginning of my journey as a submissive I looked to everyone for support and a whole load of validation. I was really unsure of myself and I used other subs and peers sort of like training wheels. I leaned on them whenever I lost my "balance".

Similarly when I began life as Master's slave, I needed to lean on other slaves but not so much for validation. I needed support, I was endeavoring to do something that didn't quite come naturally to me. While Master is excellent at teaching me what he wants from me, he cannot teach me the intricacies of surrender from a slave's point of view. I've always found it helpful to see things from the perspective of someone who's "been there, done that."

As I've grown in self-confidence I've lost the need for the training wheels. I do still seek a small bit of validation from time to time when my self-confidence wavers for whatever reason. I still lean on others for support too. I believe very strongly that people need support systems around them and slaves, when they're having a tough time of it, can take a great deal of comfort from other slaves who, as I said above, have "been there, done that."

Thankful

Given the hecticness of my life lately I thought it'd be good for me to take a moment to focus on all that I'm thankful for. I really do have a *lot* of good in my life that I don't always focus on because I'm stuck in the present moment.

I'm thankful for Master, without him life would be less colorful. Without his tender care of me I'd be more frazzled than I am.

I'm thankful for my children, they may seem like ungrateful wretches at times (two of them are teenagers) but they're *my* ungrateful wretches and they've given my life a purpose and have made it interesting.

I'm thankful for modern medicine, it has made it possible for me to do all that I do today.

I'm thankful that I am able to work.

I'm thankful that I am able to go to school.

I'm thankful for the people in my life, both online and offline.

I'm thankful for the ability to laugh and find the humor in many situations.

I'm thankful for every day, it's an opportunity.

Two Ships Passing

Master always wakes before I do in the mornings and is gone to work before I'm out of bed. This morning I woke when he did due to the call of nature. The room was dark as I crawled out of bed to make my way to the bathroom. As I made my way out of the bathroom he was making his way in and as we passed I brushed my nude breasts against his back while my hand stroked across his nude bottom. He reached out and nuzzled a breast with his hand as I continued to walk out of the bathroom and then the contact was broken.

He closed the bathroom door and I climbed back into bed for a little more sleep. That was it, the limit of our contact this morning but it was potent. I felt a swell of love and a tingle of excitement as I snuggled under the covers and wished it was the weekend so he could be there in bed with me.

Even though we have less time together we still manage to keep our connection alive and vibrant. Yesterday I wrote up a huge entry bemoaning an imbalance in our M/s dynamic. Since I've been working and going to school he's taken over more of the household chores and sometimes seems to cater to me. Yesterday I was feeling like a displaced slave and my entry reflected it. Through the wonder that is computer glitches, the entry was lost and I'm glad for it.

After I gave up on ever retrieving that entry I decided to take a little action and did up some dishes and made a list of chores for the kids. I realized that if I want to serve I need to just do it. There are always chores to do and in doing them there is that much less for Master to have to do in the evening. I may not be able to be here to cook and serve his dinner but I can still do things to help make his life easier.

Sometimes I forget that a lot of what we do, M/s and relationships in general, is based in our minds and hearts, not in the things we do. The things we do are a symptom of who we are and how we feel and while they do emphasize and help to strengthen bonds, they aren't the end all and be all.

Mortality

Mortality. That's the word of the day. We found out a couple of days ago that a Lifestyle acquaintance passed away.

I'm having a hard time getting my head around the reality of it. He's gone, no longer exists on this plane of existence. I keep having clips of movies I've seen flash through my mind, a crowd of people and one or two just disappear, the others know something has happened but don't really know what and they carry on with what they're doing. That's how I felt in class on Wednesday, here this person is dead and I'm going to class, carrying on with my life in a room full of young people who are oblivious to just about everything.

That evening I took a call from a customer who's words really put things in perspective. She related some pretty terrible health issues and ended with "Every day is a challenge and every day is a gift." The truth of her words really resonated with me. I have very challenging days but I'm still alive to try to rise to the challenge and some days I even succeed.

I wasn't more than an acquaintance with the person who passed on but I did appreciate his good nature and his ready smile. I'll miss that smile at future group meetings.

Bad Calls

Last night at work I had my first bad call. My first name caller, insulter, and all-around jerk. He was trying to get out of paying a sizeable bill and got upset when I wouldn't do what he wanted, whatever that was.

However I may sound now, the call shook me up last night. There's a certain amount of violence, in my opinion, in trying to intimidate, insult, and swear at, a stranger. Perhaps the person wouldn't act that way face to face, perhaps the phone made him feel powerful. I don't know. All I do know is that it took a good part of the night to shake the feeling of being unsafe.

Another aspect of the call that bothers me is the way I handled it. I'm not sure I handled it correctly and being the perfectionist I am, it's driving me nuts. I won't be able to let that part go until I talk it over with my trainer tonight. I made notes on the man's account so that if he happens to call back and tries to tell tales about me to someone else, they'll know my side of it.

Folks at work are pretty blase about these types of phone calls, perhaps I will be too, eventually. But for now, it bothers me that one human being can be so cruel to another.

Back to School

Today was the first day of the fall term for me. I was totally amazed to see the sheer numbers of students, I've never seen a campus so utterly full of people. Traffic was backed up for about a half mile outside campus and parking lots were nearly full by 8 a.m. I ended up parking in the lot across from the lot I normally park in (the one directly in front of the building my classes are in). Still, it was a gorgeous morning so I was game for the extra little hike I'd have to make.

Little did I know it was going to become a big hike. Once I was inside the building and found the room the class was supposed to be in I was met with a dark room and a little sign that said the class had been moved to another room in another building. A building, I might add, whose location I had no knowledge of. Luckily a good Samaritan hobbled along on her crutches, saw my dilemma and commiserated with me. I told her I had no idea where the building was and she told me how to get to it. Yay! So, off I went and soon found the building and after a few short minutes and more kindly directions, I found my classroom. It was in a strange section, I had to walk past display cases with preserved, dissected, animals on one side and various stuffed birds on the other. That was decidedly creepy. The classroom itself smelled a bit off and looked a lot like my 7th grade science classroom. *shudders*

The class itself looks to be an easy one and the instructor seems okay. So, I think I'll enjoy my Monday and Wednesday mornings even if I do have to get up at an inhuman hour.

When I got home I logged onto my online course, medical terms 1, and it looks to be an interesting class. I'm always excited about learning new things, things I have next to no knowledge about. I'm weird that way. I've got assignments due in that class already which I'll probably delve into tonight after work and tomorrow before transcription class. I'll end the week with Friday's four hour medical computer applications class. Yay.

On Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays I'll be heading directly to work from school. It's going to be difficult and I know I'm going to be tired but I feel very focused and my eye is firmly on achieving the goal of earning this degree and beginning my career.

I owe Master a huge debt of gratitude, if it weren't for him managing the homestead I wouldn't be able to do this at all. I'm extremely lucky and extremely thankful for him. Thank you Master for your support and encouragement, it means the world to me.

Date Night and Other Stuff

Last night Master and I had an impromptu date night. We went and saw Mr. & Mrs. Smith at the discount theatre. All I can say is it was definitely worth the wait. That one is going on my DVD wishlist. *g*

Yesterday afternoon we had the place to ourselves and had a little adult time. Master spanked me fiercely and then gave me one of the most intense orgasms I've had in quite a while. It was extra good because we could both yell and make loads of noise since all the kids were gone. Woo-Hoo!

Last night was odd though. Master and I watched an old episode of Real Sex and then went up to bed. He started picking on me and doing silly things that drive me nuts just because he wanted to see my reactions. It all came about because while we were downstairs I made the comment that I really didn't like the soft "making love" that they were showing on TV.
Upstairs he kept touching me soft and was being silly about it. I alternated between laughing and batting his hands away and feeling a bit violent. I get that way sometimes when things get irritating and Master has always been able to get me to that point, he thinks it's a talent. lol

At one point he threatened to sit down and pluck hairs on me, I was very resistant to the idea and this is when things turned serious. He asked me if it wasn't his right to do so if he desired. I wouldn't answer, I didn't want to give the answer and I really don't know why. I was just so irritated by the other stuff and I was feeling sort of defiant so I gave half answers, tried to redirect the conversation, and was a general smart alec.

Suddenly Master grabbed my legs, pulling them up he thrust himself against me and had me breathless. If he'd continued with that I'd have been his melty little puddle of submissive goodness. But that wasn't what he wanted yet. He then dropped my legs and started with the irritating stuff again. He carried on like that for a little while and as suddenly as before, he grabbed a fistfull of my hair and pulled me around on the bed a bit. This really threw me for a loop. I felt off balance by this sudden change of events, he was fierce and cold and mocking my whimpers.

Tears filled my eyes when he told me to position myself on the bed. I tried to control them, I really didn't understand why they were there. I did manage to get the tears to stop and Master proceeded with a rather delicious caning. Afterwards he told me I needed it and I understood what he meant. It helped to center me and bring me back to the obedience he expected from me. In that moment I felt extremely lucky to be his.

Today has been a lazy day, sort of. We slept in and Master had a nap. I got some cleaning and laundry done. When Master woke from his nap he cooked the family a delicious meal while I cleaned our bathroom and had a late shower. Now I'm sitting here relishing all my little aches left over from yesterday and mentally preparing myself for the first day of my classes tomorrow.

In just a few short minutes Master and I will watch HBO's new show, Rome. Life is good.

One Dimensional

One very frustrating thing about reading books or articles about Lifestyle issues is that they're very one dimensional. We're only seeing a tiny snippet of the whole that is D/s or M/s from the author's perspective.

What about the humanity? What about the bad days? What about the good days? What about the fun? Is there any fun? These are the questions that pop into my head when I'm reading. Perhaps Master and I are unusual, we have a lot of fun together and he's not afraid of losing control over me because he's letting me tease him about things. It doesn't take much for him to make the shift from partner to Master and to rein me in again.

That's why I enjoy reading Lifestyle blogs so much. I get to see the humanity, I get to see the good, the bad, and the fun. It helps me to know I'm not alone in this huge world. Sometimes I do need a little outside validation, it's nice to know that I'm not doing it "wrong" even though I know there is no right or wrong way to live this Lifestyle.

I especially enjoy the couples blogs because I get to see life from both perspectives and that is a rare gift in my opinion. Sometimes I wish I could get Master to write here, even to comment, but he's just not much of an online person. He's satisfied with reading what I have to say and talking to me about it later.