Options? What Options?

I go see my pain doc a week from yesterday to go over the results of the lumbar discogram done Tuesday this week.  I am not a candidate for surgery-no fusion no fix because I have a good disc in-between two very naughty discs.  So we will discuss "options".

I'm trying to be open-minded and hope he has something new to offer.  Up til now it's been surgery or drugs.  Now, it seems to me the only option is "or drugs".  I'm already on drugs that aren't working well, I've already got an implant that doesn't touch the pain.  I really would like to avoid adding stronger or more drugs to the cocktail I'm already on.  I'm already focus/concentration challenged and sleepy as it is.  I don't want to be mistaken as a zombie, people will run away thinking I want to eat their brains when all I'm really doing is trying to formulate a sentence.

But S tells me to keep an open mind, don't shoot the doc down until I hear what he has to say.  So I'm trying but it isn't easy.  Right now I have an extremely limited number of spoons to spend on my daily life.  Want to know what I'm talking about?  Google "spoon theory" or "but you don't look sick" for a very well written explanation of what it is like living with chronic pain or illness.

There is a trade off to living for me.  Shower, dress, eat, all cost spoons (energy).  Go to an appointment or a social event, costs more spoons (energy).  The trade off is that with every spoon I use I have less to use and each spoon used requires energy rebuilding (or washing the dishes) aka sleep in my case.  If I've spent all my spoons for the day and borrowed from the next day or two, I've hit the "wall" and my body says "We're done, we're sleeping NOW".  And I will fall asleep as soon as I stop moving or I won't be able to wake up because my body is recouping the energy it needs.  While this is going on, I'm missing out on Life, on my life and those around me.  It really sucks and I was hoping to have it fixed somehow so maybe I would have a few more spoons to add to my supply. 

I don't know what the future holds but I sure hope it includes more spoons so I can live instead of having to live with what I consider to be an expensive trade off.

More

One of the biggest complaints 'S' has had about me is that I want 'more', he thinks I will never be content with what I have.In at least one way he may be right. I want more partners. I want a kinky poly family, a Tribe. Intentional family is a great concept to me.I am built, it seems, to have multiple loves. Some would choose to label me a cheater, no matter the relational dynamics. Those types need to get lives of their own.Very recently, I'm finding myself longing for another partner. I want a submissive or bottom who finds themselves wanting to submit, or bottom, to me.There are so many variables involved in adding another personality to an existing (and complicated) triad.I can see several impediments, s/he isn't interested in this type of relational dynamic, s/he has no interest of that sort in me, but instead prefers The Boss, The Boss has no desire to further complicate our already comlicated lives, maybe there is no one out there who is

able to see me as more than a slave applicant or submissive personality.I haven't yet addressed this issue with The Boss, I'm imagining it will be on the agenda for our Thursday night talk after he reads this.Maybe it is just plain old too soon to add another element into our relationship and I am pushing or wanting to move too fast. I'll be the first to admit that I have little patience when I really want something or someone.

Intellectually, I know slow and steady wins the race. Emotionally, I want it now. I guess I'm lucky I have The Boss, and even 'S', to either help me find the brakes, or put the brakes on for me.

Stress!!!

As if there isn't enough to keep my mind doing the dance of insanity, I have a boatload of stress.  I want/need catharsis for stress relief and release.  I need it to move beyond all this crap that I've been storing up for so long.

I need to be reduced to a limp, crying mess, curled on the floor around his feet.  Only then will I be able to let go and cry out all the yucky feelings and thoughts.

To some people this may seem extreme, unhealthy, or whatever.  Everyone has their way of managing stress, normally I don't need catharsis but when things have piled up as they have I do need it.  This is my 'OMG!' stress relief/release.

I'd beg for catharsis if we had time and space to do it.  Too bad we have one child still at home.  It's difficult to let go when you have to hold back every cry, groan, and scream.  It's even more difficult when the tools to be used for catharsis would be too loud and would be heard.  In light of this he let me do some creative cuttings tonight.  It helps to take a little of the edge off but it won't last for long, unfortunately.  But I get some pretty and colorful designs out of it.

Fair Chances?

I feel like my 'crazy' behavior has screwed everything up to the point that The Boss and S aren't able to give me a fair chance and won't ever be able to, despite verbal reassurances that they will.  They both jump on me every time I say something, they view my every word or behavior through negative filters all from the past.  It may be recent and yes it's my fault, but I need a fair chance if I'm going to make it.  Having my past behaviors thrown back at me or used to beat me down is going to keep me spiraling down.

When you're given the message that you're not worthy and haven't changed and won't change, over a long enough period of time it becomes your truth.  In my case I begin to question the sense in continuing to try to get some control of the 'crazy' or trying to have relationships with either of them.  Sometimes my give-a-damn is busted and I just want to quit.  Yeah I know, sappy, whiny, poor me. Suck it up, walk it off, just deal with it. That works well; not.

I am feeling bad about me today.  I've been in a downward spiral for a couple of days. The negative reactions from The Boss and S, plus possible back surgery, plus a definite move to an apartment that won't hold half the stuff we have is all tearing me up.  It's almost overwhelming.  I'm officiating at my sister's vow renewal at the beginning of July, I don't know how I'm going to be able to do it if I have back surgery, the first month is spent laying sown, no sitting, standing, or activity.  I'll need a gurney to even be there.

I've hit that emotional wall and I can't take any more.  I am feeling depressed and like all the cards are stacked against me.  The Boss and S were the biggest part of my mental health support team, I think I've lost that from them.  In addition to everything else it's just another drop in the bucket of crap hanging over me.

How can I get a fair chance?  If I can't get that chance how can even I begin to prove myself to them?  Whenever I bring this up with either of them it ends in a fight of some sort, and somehow I'm always wrong.  My perceptions are incorrect, it's all in my imagination, etc.  In other words, since it isn't their truth it isn't true.  Talk about a mindf*ck for a crazy person who doubts her own thoughts, memories, and reality already.  The mother pulled this same crap on me and I still don't know if what I remember is real.  It's a real crappy thing to do to someone, that's for certain. :-(

Frustrations and Resentments

Alan and I have been together for 24 years now and our "wedding" was nothing close to what I would call a wedding. Us in jeans and Harley t-shirts, the preacher, his wife, daughter, and grandbaby, all strangers to us. We wouldn't even have the piece of paper had it not been for necessity.

I've been asking, begging, and pleading for a simple handfasting and party for the better part of 20 years now.I thought that with our 25th anniversary coming up next March, it would be the perfect time to plan for and do it.

But he's dragging his heels once again. It's always "not right now" or "just wait and see how things go".  I'm starting to feel like he doesn't want to celebrate our lives together in this way.  Like he doesn't want to renew vows and celebrate with friends and family.

And forget the topic of rings. Due to the nature of his work it is not safe to wear a ring, so any ring we bought him would just sit on the dresser collecting dust. Seems pointless to buy a ring at all. I suggested tattoo rings like a couple we know has done.  Nope, not going to happen.  He doesn't like the idea of visible tattoos especially on the hand to see his face as he looks at his hand, considering the idea, he looks disgusted and as if it's the worst suggestion ever.  I have to respect his feelings, it just seems like a huge impasse.

It hurts thinking he doesn't want to marry me or wear a symbol of that commitment.I feel so frustrated over this and he won't really talk about it.Heck, I thought I had a good idea, planning it all this far in advance. We could have set aside money here and there to save up for it. We could have had plenty of time to book the place to hold the ceremony/party and be assured of being able to secure it.

But it seems that he is averse to the entire idea so no ceremony, party, or rings of any sort.  I don't even know if he really will recollar me. I think he's waiting for me to go crazy again. It's a possibility for the rest of my life. I can't control it but I sure feel as if I'm being held accountable as if I can control it.

Update

The Boss and I talked some after he read this post, he made it clear that he has every intention of collaring me once we're through the training period.  He also stated that he'd like to have the ceremony/party and that in the near future we can start putting some money aside for it.  We're still at an impasse on the ring issue.  I have to admit, I didn't even ask him if he wanted rings of any sort.  I got a little crazy over it all and didn't even pause to consider his feelings or if I was being obedient in my behavior.  sigh

LAUNCHED!!

Okay, maybe I'm a little more excited about this than I should be.  LoL!

I have created the blog I spoke about in my last post.  My journal, chronicling my journey and progress as a slave-in-training as I work my way through Mr. Jack Rinella's book Becoming A Slave

You can find my new blog here Joy's Slave Training Journey 

I hope you will follow me and read what I share there as well. :-)

Just when things were going well...

Just when things were going well, I'd had no manic episodes in weeks (?), I'd been in a positive mood and mindset, and aside from the occasional road bump I was on the way up.

Then today happened.  I was cranky, angry, difficult to please, didn't care-I had to be ordered into the shower, in short I felt like my unmedicated self.   It felt awful and I had to consciously force myself to not lash out at the Boss or anyone else.

I took my shower and the Boss took me to get some dinner and then I went from feeling manic/angry to feeling jumpy/panicky/and overwhelmed by all the noise.  This wasn't very pleasant either but at least I have something to help with that.  Finally I calmed down to "normal", this would be my new attitude/behaviors where I'm nice, pleasant, myself, non-violent, moods are level and stable, and I'm fun to be with.  The rest of the evening with the Boss went well and I even got to snuggle up on the floor in front of him on my new cushion and reveled in head rubs.  I LOVE it when he rubs my head, it doesn't feel sexual, it just feels affectionate and the 'Big me' and 'lg' love it.

Anyway, I'm nervous.  What if I'm metabolizing the medication and it won't work at this dose any longer?  What then?  I'm tired of the medication tango.  I'm trying to not get ahead of myself but I've been at this point so many times within the last 8-9 months that I'm understandably skittish.

The Boss and I, and even S and I, are just starting to make some positive changes and progress.  I do not want to become the thing I was and tear all the good stuff down because I'm a psychotic jerk.

I'm hanging in there and waiting to see what the next week holds and I see the "team" for evaluation and updates.

I'm still working on me and taking baby steps in hopes of becoming the Boss's collared slave again-maybe "again" isn't the right word to use.  This is a new and different relationship we're building.  Still M/s, still power exchange, but stronger with a steady foundation.  I plan to be a whole person bringing a lot to the table this time around-hence all the work I'm doing.  The only way either of us will be successful as any type of couple is if we come into it with eyes wide open, full knowledge and understanding of what we want to create, and an understanding of the difference between day-to-day M/s and fantasy M/s.

Yes I'm getting off on a tangent but it's like 5:36 in the morning and this is not my usual time to be awake so I'm prone to rambling.

One of my big errors was going into both M/s relationships with an eye to being owned and being in service.  I had no idea what type of service I could or wanted to provide.  I didn't know what kind of slave I wanted to be.  I didn't know how they viewed M/s and I certainly didn't know what they really wanted in a slave, from me.  I made a lot of assumptions instead.  The Boss reminds me that I also forgot rule #1-Obey.  He says as long as I Obey, I can't go wrong, get in trouble, or disappoint him.  Makes sense huh?  It's so dang simple that it took me a little while to actually understand the concept!

If we do the Handfasting/Rose Ceremony I envision for our 25th anniversary of being together, I'd like to work the word 'Obey' in somewhere for me.  We used to joke around about the word 'Obey' being in our original wedding vows.  I swore up and down it wasn't, he swore up and down it was.  This way, there would be no doubt because I'd write it in there myself. ;-)

As a short aside:  I am in the process of creating a secondary journal.  It will be kept for the sole purpose of documenting my journey through Mr. Jack Rinella's book BECOMING A SLAVE: The Theory & Practice Of Voluntary Servitude.  Each chapter, including the introduction, has post-reading activities/questions.  I see these as a chance to hammer these new thoughts and lessons into my brain, I learn best if I write as well as read.  Somehow it gets into my long-term memory better.

So watch this spot for the announcement when that goes live.

As for the rest, I will survive.  I'm making plans for the near future, activities, things that will get me out of the isolation cycle I tend to fall into.  Psychologically I do tend toward the antisocial and as such, I tend to isolate a LOT, this computer being my only contact with the outside world for long periods of time.  Changing old behaviors is just one step toward a better 'me'.  :-)  Cheers!

Who Knew?

I've read and heard about eye contact restrictions and how it reinforces one's place within the scheme of a power exchange relationship.  Why doesn't anyone talk about how difficult it is?  It is so not easy to have a conversation with one's partner when one isn't allowed to make eye contact unless he desires it.  In the same turn when he wants that eye contact it's almost scary because it is quickly becoming a privilege to make eye contact.  I feel bared before him, vulnerable to him, when he puts a hand under my chin, exerts a little pressure upward and lets me look him in the eye.

This is not a gripe session or woe is me by any means.  I'm just musing, if you will, about this new aspect of my life with the Boss.  He has given me other rules to follow as well and I look at them as a privilege.  He took the time to decide what he wanted from his slave-in-training, wrote out these new "rules" (I think of them as new ways of relating and behaving), and took the time to explain them to her so there was no chance for confusion or misunderstanding.

However privileged I feel being given this new set of behaviors to learn, they're not easy yet.  It will take time for them to become habit and for me to not slip up and make eye contact when we're just sitting at home talking, or whatnot.  It's really going to be difficult to not speak until spoken to while we're in kink public, I'm chatty and I love to talk to him.  There are other behaviors, which I may (with permission) list here at some point, that I have to learn.

It is amazing what I've taken for granted over the years.  Something as simple as eye contact was once required and is now a privilege.  I believe this is a good behavior for me to learn.  I have used my eyes often to lay down a challenge to his authority.  I've abused the privilege, to say the least.

I know it's all shiny and new and the shine will wear off eventually, but I am excited about this new phase in our lives.  I am excited about learning new, more respectful, behaviors.

Starting Over

It's been a bit since I've had anything to write.  I was in such a fog, embroiled in the chaos of mental illness and loss.  It took a long time to find acceptance of life as it is now.  One big lesson I've learned is this: life is always in flux and you have to be accepting of change.  It will happen whether you want it to or not.  I'm not change friendly but we're learning to at least be civil to each other.

My former Sir, we'll call him S, is still my friend.  We still love each other and we're taking things one day at a time.  We're learning to relate (at least I am) to each other in a different way.  I did him and myself a huge disservice when we talked about creating a M/s relationship together.  I failed to ask him his view of M/s, what he wanted in a slave, and what he saw as our future as a M/s couple.  I also failed to take the time to know myself and know what I wanted in a master, in a M/s relationship, and what I had to offer.  My biggest failure?  I became all the negative things I believed were true about me and I stopped obeying.

I made the same horrible mistake with the Boss/husband and it took me backing out of the relationship, taking off the collar, and a lot of other gut wrenching, painful crap to get to where I'm at now.  Learning to surrender, to submit, and to obey.  I'm not making the same mistake twice, neither is the Boss, we are building a strong foundation for all aspects of our relationship, not just the M/s.  This time around he is the Boss and I'm so happy I could cry.  I'm getting to know him again, and learning to relate to him as my husband and the man who will hopefully own me again.

The painful crap was necessary for this rebirth, and I really believe that is what this is, a rebirth of me, of him, of us, and of our entire relationship.  One doesn't get second chances often and I can't believe I am so blessed to have this, these, chance(s).

I truly believed the Boss and S would stop loving me through one of the darkest times in my life and I did everything I could to prove that I was right.  I didn't believe they could really love me in the first place because I knew I was unlovable.  I was verbally abusive to them both and I beat up on them emotionally when I was in the depths of my illness, I was sabotaging my own relationships.  It isn't easy to admit this to myself, to them, or to you folks.  I wasn't a good person, I was toxic.  When S released me I started my journey to rock bottom.  It was a Cosmic 2x4, a wake-up call.  If I'd continued on as I was I would have lost S as a friend, the Boss as my husband, and possibly mySelf.  It was truly a dark night of the soul for all of us.


Today I feel.  I mean I really feel.  I'm stronger for the experiences, I've found my "muchness" again and I'm very much me.  I believe I am a woman worth pursuing because my muchness is there for all to see.  That isn't to say I don't still have bad days, I do.  I'm just taking things one day at a time, one minute at a time if I have to.  I have new challenges, as well as old challenges, to get through.  But I'm starting to be able to see that I'll be okay, I can do it, and I can handle it.  Why?  Because I am capable.

I don't need a master to coddle and protect me like some wilting flower, I can stand on my own two feet.  I need a master because I must serve another, I am built to do so.  I come from a position of strength, and that's the only way one can successfully surrender to another.  A weak woman cannot serve, surrender, or submit.

Time and Distance

It has been a few days now and I'm finally not overwhelmed with grief.I also haven't been in contact with ex-Sir either. That will be a test, next time we chat online.After first feeling as if I just needed and wanted to walk away from kink altogether, I've realized that I cannot and do not want to.Kink is in my blood. I am slave-hearted and maybe after some time and healing, ex-Master and me will find our way to a situation that will satisfy both of us.One of my issues with ex-Master seems to be improving, though I haven't told him yet. I'm afraid it would be a tease if it's just temporary and I don't want to be cruel.I asked to be cuffed to the bed the other night, I wanted the comforting, secure feeling it gives me. I like feeling ex-M's hands placing and lockin the cuff in place.We are going to move slowly, play partners and spouses for now, we'll see where things go.I would very much like to have my ex-Sir back as more than a friend. I still
love him. I still want him, to share that comfortableness we had.I miss what I had with them. I want to create something new and better with them.

Be Careful What You Wish For

You never know how prophetic anything you say might be.  In my last post I wished I could disappear from their lives, complaining that I hadn't signed on for what they were offering.

Well, Ex-Sir has released me and wishes to remain friends.  It's my fault, I couldn't control my crazy, I couldn't stop complaining, couldn't stop voicing my wishes for more.  He took as much as he could and finally had to back off for his own sanity.  This loss would be easier if I could hate him or at least be angry with him.  But I can't.

Ex-Master is just my friend-husband now.  This is also my fault.  I ruined what we had, maybe not with my crazy or maybe with it, I don't think I'll ever know.  I stopped feeling submissive to him and can't find my way back to it.  I stopped feeling like a wife to him and I can't find my way back to that either.  I still love him deeply.  I love them both deeply and I'd choose them both over and over again.

I'm sitting here full of regrets and wishes now, feeling more alone than I have ever felt.  If you take anything away from this post, control the way you express yourself.  Remember the person you're talking to is a human being with their own thoughts, feelings and needs.  And if you're submissive to them, remember your place along with everything else.

Just Joy now... Undone

Since When????

Since when does a Master dictate what needs, not wants, his slave is allowed to have? And then, to add insult to injury, refuse to meet those needs he has dictated and instead tells the slave she's on her own to get them met??Color me ten kinds of frustrated and four kinds of angry, and maybe a shade or two of WTF?He has limited time and now he's regimenting it even tighter. Neither one of them is 'into' aftercare, for instance, so I'm expected to take care of myself. WTF?? That isn't what I signed on for.Some days I just want to throw in the towel and just disappear from their lives, from the scene, everything. Go to a new place where I'm unknown and make a new start.

Low Point

Sir wants changes in my personality.. so I'm making them. However, I'm afraid I'll lose some of "me" and it makes me angry to think about that. How do I hold onto "me" yet, let go?

The "new me" has very little to say so far. Just pleasantries and benign subjects sure to be safe and not stir up any arguments. However, I've used up all of today's pleasantries in less than half an hour. I don't know how this will work long term.

I don't understand how this will be beneficial to our relationship.

One can only hope that it will work out and eventually the "new me" will settle in and won't feel awkward when chatting with Sir.

Angry

I am frustrated and angry. I don't understand much of what is going on right now. He wants to change my personality but I have to wait until he gets around to telling me what is being changed and why. I'm supposed to be fully, and cheerfully accepting of him and his time limitations. Why should I when he won't reciprocate?

I asked him to consider renaming me since he's changing me into a different person. It makes sense to me. I'll be a different person and as such I should have a new name to go with the "new" me.

I'll never understand why, if he's not happy with me, he doesn't just find someone else more to his liking? I thought he liked 'me' for who I was. I guess I thought wrong.

Sometimes,like right now, I doubt my slavehood. If one of my Owners feels he has to change my personality, maybe that means I've failed him as a slave.

And now after a phone call I'm further confused. Apparently I had it all wrong. I'm not allowed to discuss the one thing that seriously upsets me. So dear blog, you get stuck listening to me.

I'm supposed to stop complaining. So I guess I will. I'll have to pretend to be thrilled when I'm left high and dry in the middle of playing and have to figure out how to do self-aftercare.

I'm just worn out. I'm tired of arguing. I'd like to have productive conversations. But anything I say that isn't sunshine and roses is taken as a complaint. Going with that logic, I should not complain ever.

Pointless

I'm starting to think emailing anyone is pointless. Either they don't respond or they pick a tiny piece of the whole email to respond to.I'm thinking that taking meds and going to therapy is pointless too. Either I'm so tranquilized that I'm barely mentally present, or I'm out of control. No happy middle to be found.My entire weekend was spent sleeping due to meds. Oh well guess I'm easier to deal with when I'm out of it.I'm angry tonight, frustrated. Not allowed to voice anything that sounds remotely like a complaint now. He keeps changing the rules on me. No acceptance, he wants a personality change. If he wants someone different why keep me around?I feel like giving up.

Swinging

Not the fun kind. Mood swings. I was on an upswing for a few days and felt happy, peaceful, soft. Today it seems that I am on a downswing, feeling irritable, chaotic, and just not quite happy. I hate the downs, I really, really hate them. I can't stand the chaos in my head and sometimes I wish I had a "chaos shelter" where I could hide during these times.

It's really difficult to deal with people when I'm feeling like this, even more difficult to deal with two Owners who have the right to make demands of me, my time, and even my thoughts. When I'm in chaos I end up feeling like a cornered animal and I "bite" in response to feeling pressed for whatever They may need at the time. I'm remorseful afterward, I'm often remorseful during, but can't seem to always control what comes out of my mouth/head.

I'd like to say I've made some progress on this as I do swallow a lot of snarky comments that I would like to make. But if I make even one comment I think that negates whatever progress I might have made.

Sometimes I think I'm wasting my time trying to improve. Usually when I'm in chaos. Go figure.

I'm trying something new/old again. I'm trying to organize and schedule my life, almost every hour of every day, so I have the structure I need. I'm using FlyLady's method, or trying it. I may modify it, I may not, it depends on how it works with my life. I know a lot of people swear by her method and it looks very sound. I've always touted it as being a good resource for s-types wanting to give better domestic service. It's probably high time I take my own advice eh?

That's me today... meh.

Catharsis

I got it in spades last night. I asked for it and got it. What I asked for was heavy SM play, I wanted to play with the Sadist. I didn't really know it was catharsis I needed or wanted until it happened.

Sometimes Master and I will play and spar together, we "box". Last night he decided he wanted to do that instead of what we'd originally decided to do. But I couldn't, I simply couldn't fight back no matter how hard he hit me. Note to self: being punched in the jaw kinda hurts a lot. At one point he had me backed against a wall choking me and my legs just gave out, I ended up sliding down the wall, him with me, til we were both kneeling on the floor. It was at that point he understood that I couldn't fight back despite his order for me to do so.

He changed tack and decided to beat me instead. He had me lean against the cross and just laid into me. No warm up at all. I don't know how I stood there and kept taking it. I really don't. I kept begging over and over "please, please, please, please stop", knowing he wouldn't stop, not really wanting him to stop. He used the wooden paddle and I ended up cowering on the floor wrapped around one leg of the cross. I was lost in such a deep submissive mindset, I couldn't not do what he wanted. He wanted to beat me and I had to take it, wanted to, needed to. So I stood up again and took my place against the cross once more. He doesn't like to bind me, usually I've got some fight in me and he likes the possibility that I may turn on him.

For me the beating seemed to last forever, I cried the entire time.. just cried myself out. When he was finished with me I curled into a little ball on the couch next to him and just laid there. At peace, finally. It was a blessing. I don't know how long it will last. I didn't have the "happy, goofy, endorphin rush" after like I normally have. I was just empty and at peace. I spent today just recovering, I'm just a wee bit bruised, and the body has its limitations and needs some rest after such rigorous use. It's a price I happily pay for the opportunity to serve as masochist to his Sadist and for occasional catharsis.

Thank you Master.

Quiet

I'm feeling quiet now. Had a good cry earlier after doing my slave devotional/mantra. It wasn't for any specific reason other than letting off some pressure and letting go of some icky feelings.

The slave may be used as her Master sees fit.

That is the last line in my mantra and it keeps playing over and over in my head. There's no guarantee here that my needs will be met, consistently or otherwise. But they tell me they want to take care of me and will do so, in their own time. That is hard to accept because their time doesn't always link up with what I think it should be. But...I didn't sign on for "it's all about me" if that was the case I'd be on top wouldn't I? And I'm not, I'm not built to be on top even if I have some tendencies that way, I can't sustain it.

I actually feel accomplished and at peace for the moment. It's a good feeling. I cleaned and polished my boots and cleaned and conditioned Master's shoes. I never really thought about it but leather care is kind of meditative for me. It's just me and the leather, my hands working to nourish and care for the leather. And afterward my hands are left soft and smelling of beeswax and it's a heck of a great smell. I know I've done something good with these hands when they smell of beeswax. I know I've done a good service, not only for Master but for the leather. It pleases me to see clean and happy leather and to see Master wearing that leather. And now, myself, I have my own leather boots. Tacticals and they're just awesome. I can't bear to let the poor things sit dirty despite them being meant for work not show.

Low

Today is a low day. I think to call it depression would be wrong, because it's not that kind of low.

Hopelessness, yes I feel that. But mostly just tired. I did my chore and have to exercise as promised to Sir. If I had not had the "to do" from Sir and from Master, I would not do. I would sit like a lump on the couch and watch Baz Lurhman's Romeo & Juliet over and over. I'm fixated on the movie today and if I could explain it I would.

"Good Night, Good night! Parting is such sweet sorrow, that I shall say good night till it be morrow."
- William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, 2.2

I understand how she feels.

I do not want to exercise. I do not want to move. I do not want to cook dinner, I feel like the house drudgery slave, not in service to my Master but the house. There is no joy in this type of service. I cannot seem to find any joy in the day. I woke angry and took it out on Master. I don't care how understanding he is, it isn't fair to him. I don't think my crazy is under control.

If I have to smell the scent of cooked or uncooked chicken again I may just scream.

I'm off to do the rest of my "to do" or to at least contemplate doing it. But if I don't do it I will have to tell on myself and I don't want to do yet another disappointing thing.

Skittish and Scared

"Have faith" he says. As if it were done as simply as saying it.

More change is afoot and change scares the crap out of me. It's unknown, uncontrollable, and not always good. It's not always bad either but one never knows til it happens does one?

No longer shall I request SM play with Sir but simply let him know if I feel I'm in need and trust that between him and Master that need may be met. A request is a demand, at least the way I phrase it it is.

No longer will I request to spend time with Sir, he will decide if he has time and will let me know when we can make plans. A request, again, is a demand in the way I've been phrasing things.

These are just two changes being made hopefully for the betterment of our relationship(s). Sir has been feeling backed into the corner because of my crazy and my response to being disappointed or upset. I have a lot to prove to him; a lot of work ahead of me to earn his trust back.

I'm scared of letting go and not asking for what I think I need. What happens if I do this and my needs go unmet indefinitely in favor of theirs? I know, slave=needs come after theirs, but it still scares me. I'm rather shaky right now. I feel as if I could shake apart if there weren't glue and duct tape holding me together.

I don't know if I will see Sir this week, the week is obviously young but the weather is supposed to be nasty for most of this week. I may not see him at all. That thought makes me sad. Not normal sad but cry-into-my-pillows-for-days-sad. It's likely disproportionate to the situation but knowing that doesn't make the reaction any different or less intense. Sir, if you're reading this please know it is not an attempt at manipulation.. I need you to understand this is my safe place to talk, vent, work things out in my head, and yes even whine sometimes.

Trust is a touchy thing for me, touchier still because Master kind of slacked off for a long time on his end. I started slacking too, so we both slacked and we're trying to get back on track. However, that doesn't mean it's easy for me to trust that he will be consistent and that he won't let me drift again. I'm supposed to trust that Sir will make time for me when he can, it's the "when he can" that trips me up. It's so uncertain and leaves so much room for whatever... I don't know what I'm trying to say here. It's just so uncertain and unstructured. I need structure to feel safe and secure; to even be able to relax and let go the death grip I have on self-protection. I'm supposed to trust that they will take care of me if I let them and stop pushing for my needs over theirs. Trust... I hate the need for it, I loathe my inability to do so easily.

I always thought I was asking for my needs in addition to theirs but I was wrong. My overly emotional reactions have pushed them into corners where they fear to push too hard, just in case. What a slave I am... not.

Faith? I don't know how to do that. Gods help me figure it out.