Underestimations

Well, I've learned a valuable lesson tonight. Sick Masters can still spank very, very hard.

I'm sitting here on one sore tushie. Well, half a sore tushie. I've been in a general foul mood today and Master made the observation that when I get into moods like this it's because I need some pain because my mood drastically improves afterwards.

Pain is often catharitc for me and is a release for the emotional build-up. And yes, as a masochist I need pain play to be a happy slave. I'm just too stubborn or something to ask for it when I need it. Part of that is due in large part to not wanting to be selfish. I know he can't read my mind and if I have needs I should tell him and let him decide if they should be taken care of. I just can't make myself ask him for anything very often.

So tonight, noticing my snarky mood he waits til the kids are good and asleep then takes me upstairs and orders me to undress. I'm in a very playful/sarcastic headspace and am joking a bit. He started gently enough, scratching my backside and such.. then he started spanking hard. His goal was to bring me to tears. It wasn't for my pleasure at all, it was his pleasure and my attitude adjustment. All I could do was endure it.. yelling my pain into the blankets on the bed and doing my best to stay in one place.

As he continued to spank, focusing only on one cheek and stopping to let my skin desensitize a little every so often, he built up the intensity. I wasn't always able to stay in one place and ended up on the floor at one point. I was unceremoniously picked up and put back onto the bed. A few strokes later he stopped and walked around the bed. All I could think was "What's he going to use now?!" and laid there shivering. I jumped when he began rubbing lotion into my tender behind.

Then he stripped and laid on the bed, that was my cue to pleasure him. I like doing that, I like making him feel good.

So now here I am feeling content and thinking about re-reading the first in the Beauty series.

In sickness and...

Master is sick today, he's got influenza and possibly bronchitis. The doctor told him if he'd had a flu shot he would only feel like he had a cold right now.

I can't help but say "I told you so" because I suggested several times that he should get one. I get one every year, thanks to asthma it's a necessity and this year I'm very thankful I do. I'm betting that next year he'll go right along with me to get a flu shot for himself.

I've been working extra hard to help him feel comfortable and to take care of him. After seeing the condition he was in this morning I shifted into "mom" mode and asked him "Will you be needing a shower before you go to the doctor?" He wouldn't have gone had I not insisted. He doesn't take good care of himself, that's where I come in. I make sure he's taken care of, it's my job.

I need to recharge my batteries now else I'll be cranky when he wakes from his nap.

Control

Argh! I just typed up an entry and goofed somehow when I published it and ended up publishing a blank entry. *sigh*

Okay, I was talking about an article I read that was written by Vibs West In the article she talks about resentment over little controls like being told what noodle to put in a pasta salad not really being about the noodles but about control.

I can see this in my own life. Whenever I am bristling about things like the dishes being put away wrong or what have you, it's a control for me. I want things done my way. Why is that? What do I get out of keeping little controls like this?

I'm certainly not holding onto my independence, I'm as dependent on him as a body can be and still function on their own. I think I'm just being stubborn, holding onto the old ways because I'm afraid of what the new will be like. Fear has always been a driving force in my life. Self-protection out of fear of being hurt, control everything out of fear of the unknown.
kharita pointed out that enslavement is a journey, you nailed that one on the head. It is most definitely a journey and a process and I am thankful that Master doesn't expect perfection. He only expects that I do my best and that I learn. That, I can handle.

So here we are

It's nearly Christmas, my first as his slave. I don't wear his physical collar yet, but that will change soon.

He's given the go ahead to begin planning our collaring ceremony. I'm so exited that it's all I can think about when I lay down to sleep at night. We haven't set a date yet for the ceremony, he wants to get the collar first, but he says it is his first priority after the first of the year.

He asked me if, after being collared by him, I will finally realize that he's not going anywhere and that he's not looking to bigger and better deal me.
That's a major failing of mine, trusting that anyone who loves me really does love me. You'd think after 17 years of being with him as his girlfriend and then wife, and now slave, that I would feel secure. I know he thinks I should be. And he's right, I should. Yet there's this tiny little part of me that cringes in expectation of being kicked.

He hasn't given me reason to feel this way, it's deep rooted from my early childhood. Something I need to let go of once and for all. I remember something I heard in a movie once... "Childhood is something you spend the rest of your life recovering from". Or something like that. In a lot of ways that's true for me.

12-25-03 Merry Christmas
It's Christmas today. The oldest kids are playing with their new Gameboys, I want one! The youngest is lying on the couch drifting in and out of fever induced sleep.

Our youngest is sick today so no family will be coming over as was originally planned. My sister has four kids that she really doesn't want exposed to this whatever it is. I don't blame her, her youngest just got over an illness.
Still, I wish they could come visit. I love my sister and her kids and I love to see them.

I had a fit of anger when Master interrupted my nap to put the turkey in the oven. My only excuse is that I was tired and I'm not feeling well myself. But, they're just that, excuses. I want to go to him and beg forgiveness.

It's nothing more than pure selfishness behind my anger. I was angry because my nap was interrupted. I'm still learning that even my sleep, or lack therof, is his.

It's hard, serving so completely.

I was embarrassed and proud last night, we were at Master's sister's house for Christmas Eve. He told me to fix him a plate of food and his mother piped up with "Who's gonna be your slave tomorrow?" in jest. He responded with "Her, she's my slave every day." I don't know if they thought he was kidding or not, I was at the sink washing my hands when the conversation transpired and I stayed facing the sink so no one could see my blushes and silly grin. I served him the rest of the night as I always do and no one said another word about it.

It felt good to have him be so honest about our relationship. To know that he's proud of what we are and what we do.

Merry Christmas to everyone everywhere.

Feelings of slavery

It's hard to admit to oneself sometimes, how deep one's feelings run.
Were I able I would live forever as his 24/7 at home slave. Is it because I'm lazy? I don't think so. I think it's because I love to serve him and I love him. There have been times in the past when I didn't mind at all being apart from him. I didn't miss him like I do now.
It feels like the bond between us has grown so deep as to be almost physical. He is always in my thoughts, ever present in my mind. I belong to him no matter where I am or what I'm doing. Nothing I do is done without asking his permission first.
I'm always told how much he loves me by others, I wonder if they tell him how much I love him. I'm not the most physically or vocally demonstrative person in the world. Is it not in my eyes when I look at him or when I talk about him?
I wonder.
A couple of months ago he and I looked at permanent collars, we are leaning towards Eternity collars at http://www.eternitycollars.com/secure/secure_frame.htm They scared me at first. I can bear having something locked around a wrist or an ankle but around my neck? I can't tell you why it scared me so but it did. I balked and suggested a bracelet instead, claiming that the neck ring might be uncomfortable to sleep in. Now, today, I crave it. I want that permanent reminder of his ownership around my neck. I don't want it on my wrist or my ankle. My neck seems to me to be the proper place for a symbol of ownership. A wolf offers it's throat in submission to the pack alpha, so too do I offer my throat, my neck to my Master.
It seems dramatic I know, but, that's me.
I'm craving to be collared by him even though mentally I already wear his collar. I want a formal ceremony followed by a reception of sorts to be shared with friends who will understand the symbolism and importance of it all. I'm like any other girl, I want the fairytale. Only my fairytale is a bit darker and more twisted than the mainstream. *chuckling*

It's all in the mind

So, here we are... a few months into my coming to terms with the reality of our situations. That was cryptic huh?
It's been a couple of months or there abouts, since I finally came face to face with the reality that everyone but me saw. That Mark is and can only be a secondary Dominant to me and that it's Alan I answer to first and foremost.
Somewhere along the way I'd lost sight of that.
I realized last night just how completely I have accepted the way things are. I feel my slavery to Alan, and while I feel like I belong to Mark, I'm not enslaved to him. There's a major distinction there that I'd never really noticed before.
Last night I was talking with Mark and we were joking about him being out of touch with me and he said "I know, I'm a really bad Master." It was when he said those words that I had an aha moment and the distinction became clear to me. A little voice inside my head said "No, Alan's my Master." I'm sure a few people who know me will chuckle and say "Well it's about time you realized that." Or something along those lines.
I've grown a lot closer to Alan over the last few months, he's gotten further into my mind with me standing there holding the door open for him. He mindf**ked me this weekend, good grief he likes mindf**ks. The roller coaster of emotions I experienced was intense... I nearly cried with relief when I found out that it had all been a mindf**k because right up to that moment I'd been a bundle of nerves. Then came disappointment because I realized I really did want to do the thing that he'd been pretending he was going to make me do. It's funny how these things work.
I'm thinking of it as a test run, the next time I won't have to be so nervous. He'll be there with me the whole time.
I wonder if other slaves feel as close to their Masters and if they feel the absences as keenly as I do? Or maybe I'm just a drama queen and I'm making it worse than it really is. Only one way to know for sure, ask other slaves. *chuckles*
That's the beauty of the internet, I can talk to likeminded people whenever I need to.
The holidays are nearly here and I've begun to ask myself just what the heck I was thinking. I've decided to host X-mas day dinner here and I took a commission to do 16 glassware pieces. Where was my brain on either of those days?
I'm definitely going to need a vacation after the holidays.

Changes

I still don't like change. I fired change this morning but change has informed me that it can't be fired.
M and I have decided that he will take a secondary role in my life... if I were honest I would say this is as it should be. Still, I'm a little melancholy over it. He's been, in my mind anyway, my primary Dominant for a long time. So, to have him take a secondary role is difficult to get used to.
It's not really a big change though, I need to remind myself of that. Really all we've done is defined how things really are between us. He hasn't acted as my primary Dominant for some time now...and I've been answering to A more and more.
I lived in fear of this sort of change... afraid I'd lose M altogether. Too often I fear the worst. He reassured me that he's not going anywhere and that helped a lot. It also helped to hear that he does love me very much.
I hope he's taking this okay... I worry about him. It's my nature, to worry about those I care about.

Seeing clearly

I can now see the benefits of finally seeing the situation with M for what it really is. I think I've detached from him and from our relationship somewhat.
He talked tonight about this woman in CR. I was honest with him, "Still playing with that fire eh?" "I can't say it's the wisest thing you've ever done."He agreed with me, says he needs to get out of it. I told him to do it then. He said he's going to. I said "I hear ya talkin'" In other words, I'll believe it when I see it.
But, while I still felt a little twinge of jealousy... it wasn't the same. I felt like I was talking to a friend who was being extremely unwise and not at all like a sub whose Dominant is neglecting her to spend time with others.
I feel a little wistful and maybe a little sad at these changes in me but I understand now why they needed to take place.
M and I have tentative plans for him to visit Tuesday afternoon to have our long awaited talk. I'm dreading it in some ways. I'm afraid I'm going to hear nothing but justifications for his actions and I don't want to hear that. I won't accept justifications because there is no justification for lying to me.
I haven't told him yet about Alan making me his slave. I don't know how to tell him. I don't know how he'll react or even how I expect him to react.
I had someone tell me tonight that he's long thought that I belonged in the slave category. It still blows my mind that I've stepped onto this path and have done so of my own free will. I'm a control freak for goodness sake, what am I doing?
I remember, when I was a teenager, lying on A's bed and reading the biker fiction in his Easyrider magazines. They always referred to their girlfriends in these stories as their "house mouse" and these women were submissive, and domestic, and they belonged to their men. I fantasized often about being A's "house mouse". It's just strange how these things are with us our entire lives and only make sense when we look back down the road we've just walked.
So, I begin this week with some trepidation. I can only hope that I can stand up and bravely face whatever comes.

Me? A slave?

I never thought of myself as slave material. I laughed at the idea of me being anyone's slave. "I'm too bratty." or "I'm too independent." I'd say... the truth of the matter is... i can still be those things and be a slave.
Let me back up and begin at the starting. Things with M have changed a lot... I don't really know *when* they started changing or why but they did. Maybe it's the way I'm seeing things these days, maybe I've changed. I don't know. All I do know for certain is that M, while I love him and cherish his presence in my life, has become less of a Dominating factor in my life. He used to be my primary Dominant but since his life has really gotten busy he's had less time for me. I think he started to take me for granted, believing that I'd always be here for him when he wanted me. I had a blow out over that, I think I wrote a little about it in a previous entry so I won't rehash it right now. Suffice it to say that I've decided that he and I need to redefine some things in our relationship. One of them being, his position in my life.
With M's stepping back, either deliberately or by circumstance... it has allowed A to step foward to take a more prominent position as my Dominant. Within the last month or so I've noticed a definite push from him for more Dominance... little by little he nibbles at my limits and at my control. I thought maybe it was something he was doing inadvertantly but it is deliberate. He wants to make me his slave and I, I find myself wanting to be his slave. At the same time I feel like I should run for the hills. The thought of giving so much control to anyone is frightening to me, my submissive feelings seem bigger than I am and they threaten to crash over me like a tsunami. Washing away all that I was and leaving something new and raw in it's wake. We all know how I feel about change... it's not my favorite thing.
I worry too, about how M will feel about all of this. I still want him to be a part of my life. I still want him to be my lover and my best friend and I can't relate to him as anything other than as a submissive.Selfish? Maybe so but I can't help loving him and being addicted to the great sex.
But, I know change is necessary, it's inevitable and fighting against it is like swimming against the tide.. it's tiring and in the end the tide is going to win. So, I'm going to try to save myself some exhaustion and embrace this change with somewhat open arms.
I want to be Alan's slave...in addition to the fear and worries an indescribable joy fills me when I think about wearing his collar and calling him Master.
He plans to mark me... with his name, a tattoo most likely... it is what I want too.

Little girl's whim

i decided to change the color of my journal again. One of these days i'll get unlazy and use something snazzier.
Last night we went to a small play party which was held in the home of one of our very good friends.
i went totally little and had a little friend with me to play with. my lady Jaedyn decided to be little too. We had lots of fun.i even had a kid's meal from Burger King for dinner. i can't even put into words the sheer joy of it all.
Alan had a few firsts last night, he worked together with our host and friend on a certain Domme who was feeling slightly subbish for the evening. i was pleased that he didn't ask me if it was okay. He did ask me if i would be okay with it. i need him to be a little more decisive, concious of my feelings of course, but decisive and the Boss.
i had the pleasure of being the second to be treated to their not unkind ministrations. Alan says that i look as if i've been gnawed upon. Or gracious host has a fondness for using his teeth to their fullest advantage. *soft smiles*i revel in the marks i have to remind me and the knowledge that i aroused such ardeur in our host that he broke his own cardinal rule.
In total Alan got to help work two women, three if you include me. But the important thing is that he got to play with others which he hasn't been able to do up til now.
i've come to the realization that i do indeed, have a knife fetish. i can't fight it and i won't aplogize for it. Cold steel against my flesh is a delicious pleasure.
i feel languid today and right.

Inner turmoil

Okay so there's more to say but i wanted to make separate entries because this is a separate issue.
i saw Mark yesterday, it was wonderful. i love spending time with Him, we always have so much fun together. It was bittersweet though because it is likely that it was the last time we'd get to play until school starts in the fall.
The turmoil i have is trying to serve two Masters, one who is having trouble sharing from time to time. i want to share everything with Alan, i want to tell him everything but i feel like i have to hold back because it will hurt him or because it will upset him. So, i edit everything and tend not to tell him what Mark and i do. Sometimes i don't even want to tell him when i've seen Mark. But then that causes problems too because it seems like i'm being secretive.
i don't know how this will play out. i feel like there's a tension between Alan and i and i know it's all my doing. If i'd just relax and not be jealous over Alan playing with others... maybe i could let go of some of my guilt. i feel guilty for loving another man.

Dreams!!

We went to Dreams last weekend and it was fantabulous. i should have written sooner about it but i've been kind of zoned. Coming down from the weekend i suppose.
Friday we got there and checked in around 5 or 6. Then we browsed the vendors and Alan bought a wooden paddle with holes in it and a leather quirt. It gives me shivers just thinking about those items. He also bought a clamp for himself but i won't tell ya what that's for right now. Alan also bought himself a leather vest which looks very good on him.
After shopping we went upstairs to the meet and greet pizza party, then to our room to freshen up and change clothes for the dungeon party.
We spent a couple of hours at the dungeon party, it was just starting to pick up when we decided to head up to our room to play privately. Jaedyn demonstrated whirly birds on both the guys then set to beating C while Alan decided to put me through my paces on the other bed. He started me out slow and warmed me up good.. it felt great til he started using the quirt and the paddle.
Friday night was difficult, i didn't sleep well and woke up early. After everyone was awake and ready to go, we walked around town a bit. We went to breakfast at this fantastic little cafe called Cafe 315. Then we went back to the hotel and lounged around til the workshops began. We took in SM 101, needle play, and cock and ball torture demos. The SM 101 workshop was a nice round table discussion and i feel adequately armed to give an SM 101 workshop in our own group. Which, was the point of the workshop.The needle play workshop was hands on and very enjoyable, although Alan's enjoyment of it kind of has me worried. Jaedyn enjoyed it too so i should be doubly worried. We watched a male sub have feathers sewn onto his shoulder with fishing line, i thought that was kind of cool. Though, i'd rather have bells and not on my arm. The CBT workshop was very informative. i learned what i can do to a cock without damaging it. We got to watch the Mistress giving the workshop use urethral sounds on her male subbie. It was wild to watch something being inserted into a penis.
After the workshops we went to this really neat old chinese restaurant called King Fong's for dinner. It's in an older building, tile floors, stained glass windows, and embroidered wall hangings. The tables were really old wood with tile inlay. All in all the ambience was neat. The food was good too. If i'd known how large the portions were i'd have shared an entree with Alan, i could barely eat 1/3 of mine.
Saturday night we went to a gay bar for a leather show, the show was awesome and the bar was great too. i went little for the night, meaning i was dressed and acting as a little girl, Alan was my Daddy. He's always my Daddy. i had such a good time in little space. The show was fun, the people were funny. i saw one other little there but i was too shy to go play with her. After the show we went back to the hotel and to the vendors and dungeon party. i was still in little space so i stayed close to Daddy, he gave me a horsey ride on his knee. i don't know if anyone saw and i really don't care, i had fun.
There was one vendor and presenter there, Lord Prophett, who was extrodinarily fantastic to watch and listen to. He's a very animated person and very skilled with whips and floggers.
Sunday was spent searching for a place to have breakfast and shopping at Torrid. i got two new t-shirts, Woo-Hoo!
This week has been spent catching up on sleep, watching Mark's kitty while He's out of town, and now, going to the doc for a uti. Yay.
Alan and i had a long talk Sunday evening about being more active in the leather community. We both want to become more active in the leather community and to be a resource for others. i would like to become more of an activist and fighting for the rights of leather folk and the glbt folks too. That's for some time in the future though, i want the kids to grow up first.

Formal service

Last night was my first experience with doing formal service at a D/s dinner party. i had to learn to serve on his right and clear from his left. i was supposed to say something whenever i brought him food but i just couldn't. i'm so uncomfortable speaking when others are watching me.
So what is a D/s dinner party anyway? You may ask. Well, last night's dinner went like this, everyone dressed in their very best. The Dominants sat at the table and were served by the submissives. We brought them food and drink and knelt silently on the floor next to them while they ate. The other two subs present were able to go eat in the kitchen. Alan fed me from his plate and gave me drinks from his glass. It was a six course meal and during the soup course i was able to go to the kitchen to have a bowl of soup. i was again able to go to the kitchen to have dessert. Both items which would have been difficult to fed to me.
It was difficult to not speak until spoken to but i managed. The Dominants did speak to us a bit and included us submissives in the conversations with eye contact.
Today my legs and back are sore from so much kneeling and standing but it's a good sore. It was a pleasure to serve and wasn't too different from the way i serve at home.
i think Alan loved the formal service. i can't wait until we have a house with space to give our own formal dinner parties. i want to include Mark too, i think He'd enjoy it.
Next week we leave for Omaha and the BDSM event there. It will be Alan's and my first event like this, i'm excited and nervous at the same time. i never have been comfortable in new situations but i'm not going to let that fear keep me from new experiences or from living my life as i choose to live it.

Body mod and little girls

i've been spending a lot of time thinking about body modification lately. Anything we do to our bodies to change them is a modification. Losing weight, building muscles, piercings, dyeing hair, cutting it. Some we do for ourselves or at least fool ourselves into thinking it's really for us and not for a partner we want to attract or keep interested. Some we do because our partner has asked us to do them.
So why would i do it? Because he asks and because i want to.
i wonder if people who have what i consider to be extreme body modifications like split tongues etc. would consider induced lactation to be too extreme.
Life is strange, it's strange the things i do now, the things i'm interested in. They're things that would have sent me screaming just a few years ago. i've learned a lot and changed a lot.
Last night Alan read the Ceremony of the Roses, we might do it. It's a very intense D/s ceremony, it means more than a collaring it's like a wedding and collaring combined. But, Alan has never collared me, i'm not sure he would. Or should he? Since i already wear one collar can i wear another? In many ways i am already collared to Alan. Being married to him, living with him day in and out.. we're as close to 24/7 as we're going to get with kids in the house. These are things to talk with him about.
At any rate. i have class soon.