Master is on his way to Detroit today and will be there until Friday night. I was fine until I came down the stairs this morning and the realization that I'm alone hit me. I sniffled and cried a bit then I wandered into the kitchen to take care of his new lizard. I got caught up in taking care of his pet for him while he's away. Master's lizard isn't much older than a hatchling; she hitched a ride on a plant that came from Wal-Mart to his sister's house. We're trying to find something she can eat and now it's my job to be sure she does eat something so she will thrive and grow. I'm going to enjoy being surrogate Mamma to his lizard.
I was still a little tender during class but began to feel even better on the way out after class as I chatted up a classmate that I've not said more than 10 words to. It felt good to reach out and connect with another human being. Sometimes I forget to do that. Usually I stay within my comfort zones and only connect with the people I already know.
Being the good Daddy that Master is, he left me something to focus on while he's away. I've been ordered to the torture chamber…er… I mean the gym. I have to spend at least 20 minutes a day working out... today was 16 on the treadmill and 4 on the elliptical trainer aka the machine from Hades. I did a lot of self-talk to even motivate myself enough to go to the fitness room. It would have been SO easy to sit down and watch TV when I got home from class. I kept telling myself, "When you get home you're going to go upstairs, change your clothes and head to the fitness room." The self-talk worked, I did just what I was supposed to and got an excellent workout. While I feel a bit tired and my muscles are still a little spaghetti-like, I feel good; this, despite some sinus congestion. Go me!
When I got home I had a cosmic message that I should do my homework. The cable and internet were out. I took advantage of the time and did the work. I feel accomplished.
All in all, not a bad first day alone and it's only half over! Still, I can't wait for Master to get back, I miss him.
Monday, June 28, 2004
Saturday, June 26, 2004
Triggers
Trigger, it seems like an innocuous word until you think about what a trigger does. On a gun it releases a bullet that wreaks destruction on soft human flesh. So too do mental triggers wreak destruction and havoc in the soft human mind.
I've had to give honest thought to my triggers today. An acquaintance of Master's and mine resembles a person we both trusted very deeply and who we thought we knew intimately. As it turned out, we didn't know that person at all, he molested our daughter. We learned a hard lesson with that person.
That situation became inextricably linked with my childhood abuse issues and another layer of triggers was laid on top of my old ones. The feelings from both are entwined almost as one.
Now that I've recognized that this acquaintance’s resemblance to our daughter's abuser is what has been triggering me I don't know what to do. I've disarmed some triggers successfully and no sooner had them disarmed to have new ones pop up. Sometimes, walking through my mind is like walking through an old mine field without mine detection devices and protective gear.
I realize that in reading this one might be left with the impression that I'm a basket case. I'm really not the emotional wreck I once was... for the most part I am flashback free, unless I think about the resemblance of the acquaintance to the abuser. Then it's as if I stumble from one mine into another, shrapnel piercing my body and ripping me to shreds. I physically shake myself and shut down that part of my mind... I don't think on it because I don't want to feel those feelings again, I don't want to feel his hands on my body, I don't want to see his stupid reassuring smile telling me that if I don't like it all I have to do is say 'no'. I had a therapist tell me once that he thought of flashbacks as the mind's way of making us deal with things. Sometimes I can see that point, other times I think it's just torture.
I sometimes wonder why I entered this lifestyle, why I have this need to submit, given my past. I think, as a submissive person, I'm more vulnerable and open to being hurt. I've lived my life in fear of being hurt like that again and have spent considerable energy to prevent it.
In the beginning, being able to stop things with one word was empowering... then it became a burden... I didn't want that control. I guess it was a sign of my growth and healing that I wanted, no needed, to give up that control.
In giving up that control, I've given up the decision about this quandary to Master. I have to remember that, sometimes I forget and I try to solve issues on my own. Like this one... I started this journal entry with the idea that I'd suss out a solution. In the end I realize, the solution isn't mine to find, not really. I've already told Master everything I've written here, he's aware and will be there to guide me through the mine field.
I've had to give honest thought to my triggers today. An acquaintance of Master's and mine resembles a person we both trusted very deeply and who we thought we knew intimately. As it turned out, we didn't know that person at all, he molested our daughter. We learned a hard lesson with that person.
That situation became inextricably linked with my childhood abuse issues and another layer of triggers was laid on top of my old ones. The feelings from both are entwined almost as one.
Now that I've recognized that this acquaintance’s resemblance to our daughter's abuser is what has been triggering me I don't know what to do. I've disarmed some triggers successfully and no sooner had them disarmed to have new ones pop up. Sometimes, walking through my mind is like walking through an old mine field without mine detection devices and protective gear.
I realize that in reading this one might be left with the impression that I'm a basket case. I'm really not the emotional wreck I once was... for the most part I am flashback free, unless I think about the resemblance of the acquaintance to the abuser. Then it's as if I stumble from one mine into another, shrapnel piercing my body and ripping me to shreds. I physically shake myself and shut down that part of my mind... I don't think on it because I don't want to feel those feelings again, I don't want to feel his hands on my body, I don't want to see his stupid reassuring smile telling me that if I don't like it all I have to do is say 'no'. I had a therapist tell me once that he thought of flashbacks as the mind's way of making us deal with things. Sometimes I can see that point, other times I think it's just torture.
I sometimes wonder why I entered this lifestyle, why I have this need to submit, given my past. I think, as a submissive person, I'm more vulnerable and open to being hurt. I've lived my life in fear of being hurt like that again and have spent considerable energy to prevent it.
In the beginning, being able to stop things with one word was empowering... then it became a burden... I didn't want that control. I guess it was a sign of my growth and healing that I wanted, no needed, to give up that control.
In giving up that control, I've given up the decision about this quandary to Master. I have to remember that, sometimes I forget and I try to solve issues on my own. Like this one... I started this journal entry with the idea that I'd suss out a solution. In the end I realize, the solution isn't mine to find, not really. I've already told Master everything I've written here, he's aware and will be there to guide me through the mine field.
Wednesday, June 23, 2004
Roller coaster
This week has certainly had its share of ups and downs. I'm not sure if I'm up or down right now.
Sunday saw the purchase of a new toy meant to stimulate my g-spot. It's curved with a ball on either end and it's made out of glass. I'll just say that it's very effective. *enigmatic grins*
Monday, Mark shows his insensitive butthead side, the car begins acting up, and my back goes out again.
Tuesday brought with it the realization that Master can't support our family single handedly much as he'd like to. He's been trying to keep us afloat so that I can get through school without having to try to manage work, family, and school. I love him for wanting to do it and for trying but I see now that he needs my help.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't upset by this. I'm hoping he can hold things together long enough for me to finish this term. My class schedule is such that a lot of employers around here won't work with it.
As long as I can finish this term I can just reduce my class load in the fall and still work towards my degree. It'll take longer to finish but at least I'll still get to work on it. I don't think I could handle having to quit completely. I want to build the skills necessary to work in an office environment as more than just a number. Data entry clerks are a dime a dozen, a good administrative assistant is difficult to replace. That's what I want to be, a valuable and difficult to replace employee. That's not so much to ask for is it? I think it is an attainable goal. As long as I can cope with juggling school, home, and work.
That, my friends, is a big IF. It wasn't long ago that just juggling home and work was enough to send me into a tailspin of panic attacks and depression. I still get overwhelmed at times and I get scared that the feelings of being overwhelmed are a harbinger of a new round of panic attacks and depression. I know, I know, there are medications out there to help with these things. I think medication is a great tool but it always left me feeling disconnected from my body, there's nothing quite as disconcerting as feeling as though you are floating somewhere above your body instead of living inside it. The doctor assured me this was my imagination. *rolling eyes* I won't even get into the sexual side effects that I experienced.
Needless to say, as long as I am able, I want to live medication free; so, I journal when things are bothering me, I talk with friends, and I breathe, a lot.
Beginning to feel overwhelmed? Deep breath in and let it out very slowly through pursed lips, rinse and repeat as needed. That's an asthmatic breathing exercise meant to help one regain control of one's breathing but it works well for impending panic attacks too.
I'm just hanging on for the ride right now... roller coasters are thrilling but I prefer the tilt-a-whirl. I'll take spinning and giggling over stomach dropping and screaming any day.
Sunday saw the purchase of a new toy meant to stimulate my g-spot. It's curved with a ball on either end and it's made out of glass. I'll just say that it's very effective. *enigmatic grins*
Monday, Mark shows his insensitive butthead side, the car begins acting up, and my back goes out again.
Tuesday brought with it the realization that Master can't support our family single handedly much as he'd like to. He's been trying to keep us afloat so that I can get through school without having to try to manage work, family, and school. I love him for wanting to do it and for trying but I see now that he needs my help.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't upset by this. I'm hoping he can hold things together long enough for me to finish this term. My class schedule is such that a lot of employers around here won't work with it.
As long as I can finish this term I can just reduce my class load in the fall and still work towards my degree. It'll take longer to finish but at least I'll still get to work on it. I don't think I could handle having to quit completely. I want to build the skills necessary to work in an office environment as more than just a number. Data entry clerks are a dime a dozen, a good administrative assistant is difficult to replace. That's what I want to be, a valuable and difficult to replace employee. That's not so much to ask for is it? I think it is an attainable goal. As long as I can cope with juggling school, home, and work.
That, my friends, is a big IF. It wasn't long ago that just juggling home and work was enough to send me into a tailspin of panic attacks and depression. I still get overwhelmed at times and I get scared that the feelings of being overwhelmed are a harbinger of a new round of panic attacks and depression. I know, I know, there are medications out there to help with these things. I think medication is a great tool but it always left me feeling disconnected from my body, there's nothing quite as disconcerting as feeling as though you are floating somewhere above your body instead of living inside it. The doctor assured me this was my imagination. *rolling eyes* I won't even get into the sexual side effects that I experienced.
Needless to say, as long as I am able, I want to live medication free; so, I journal when things are bothering me, I talk with friends, and I breathe, a lot.
Beginning to feel overwhelmed? Deep breath in and let it out very slowly through pursed lips, rinse and repeat as needed. That's an asthmatic breathing exercise meant to help one regain control of one's breathing but it works well for impending panic attacks too.
I'm just hanging on for the ride right now... roller coasters are thrilling but I prefer the tilt-a-whirl. I'll take spinning and giggling over stomach dropping and screaming any day.
Tuesday, June 22, 2004
Hurt
I talked with Master and with my Lady about this yesterday but I still have a few things to work out.
I had an online conversation with Mark yesterday, the Dom male Master shares me with. Mark used to be my primary dominant partner, before Master chose to enter the lifestyle. When Master stepped in, Mark stepped back to a very secondary role. He became more like a close friend and play partner.
Our conversation turned to weight loss and his complaint that his girlfriend has become obsessed with her upcoming gastric bypass surgery. After talking with him I think I understand now why she is obsessed.
I made the mistake of sharing my honest opinion that I think too many people see weight loss surgery as a magic pill. After that he equated being overweight with being defective. I even asked for clarification on that because I was stunned by this statement. In all the years I've known him he has never said anything like this to me. He spent a great amount of time helping to build up my self-esteem and showing me that I am sexy as I am. And then I find out that he really believes I'm defective because I'm overweight??? It stung. More than that it shook my trust in him and hurt my feelings.
I was entertaining evil thoughts about him yesterday... today I'm not so angry but still hurt. I find it hard to believe that he really thinks that. In a sense, I feel betrayed and lied to. I don't think I'll be trusting his words for some time to come, if ever again.
I very nearly fell into my old pattern of self-loathing because of outside negativity about my weight. It was a close thing... I wanted to do self-destructive things. A few years ago I cut the words "Fat B*tch* into my belly... that's what self-loathing does to me.
I am proud of myself for pulling back from the brink of self-loathing and for ending the conversation and getting away from that negative attitude. It would have been so easy to get caught up in that downward spiral. I did well.
I had an online conversation with Mark yesterday, the Dom male Master shares me with. Mark used to be my primary dominant partner, before Master chose to enter the lifestyle. When Master stepped in, Mark stepped back to a very secondary role. He became more like a close friend and play partner.
Our conversation turned to weight loss and his complaint that his girlfriend has become obsessed with her upcoming gastric bypass surgery. After talking with him I think I understand now why she is obsessed.
I made the mistake of sharing my honest opinion that I think too many people see weight loss surgery as a magic pill. After that he equated being overweight with being defective. I even asked for clarification on that because I was stunned by this statement. In all the years I've known him he has never said anything like this to me. He spent a great amount of time helping to build up my self-esteem and showing me that I am sexy as I am. And then I find out that he really believes I'm defective because I'm overweight??? It stung. More than that it shook my trust in him and hurt my feelings.
I was entertaining evil thoughts about him yesterday... today I'm not so angry but still hurt. I find it hard to believe that he really thinks that. In a sense, I feel betrayed and lied to. I don't think I'll be trusting his words for some time to come, if ever again.
I very nearly fell into my old pattern of self-loathing because of outside negativity about my weight. It was a close thing... I wanted to do self-destructive things. A few years ago I cut the words "Fat B*tch* into my belly... that's what self-loathing does to me.
I am proud of myself for pulling back from the brink of self-loathing and for ending the conversation and getting away from that negative attitude. It would have been so easy to get caught up in that downward spiral. I did well.
Thursday, June 17, 2004
Trepidation
I am embarking on something entirely new for me; something that will force me out and into a leadership position. I am starting a submissive's forum within our local leather community. I have the full blessing of my fellow board members which helps buoy my confidence. Yet, I'm scared silly. I'm going to have to lead these people, some of them my friends, and I'm going to have to stand my ground against those with more dominant personalities than mine.
That is no easy task.
I instinctively try to blend into my surroundings and naturally defer to more dominant personalities. Both my Master and our friend Master J think this will be a good thing for me. I think they're nuts.
I'm excited about this opportunity to provide a forum for submissives to talk and explore things in a non-threatening atmosphere. I want to help educate others in this lifestyle I love so much.
Still, it's scary to be the front man in this venture. I'm great with ideas, planning, and organizing... leading is not my area of expertise yet my Lady assures me I am a leader. Pardon me for not believing that yet. *smiles*
I have a little over a month to prepare for our first meeting. Too soon!
Everyone assures me that I'll do great, to that I say, I'm not sure about that but I'll do my best.
If I had to write a mission statement it would go something like this:
Our goal is to educate and provide support to submissives in the leather community.
That sounds about right to me. I hope this group becomes a helpful resource to the submissives in our community.
That is no easy task.
I instinctively try to blend into my surroundings and naturally defer to more dominant personalities. Both my Master and our friend Master J think this will be a good thing for me. I think they're nuts.
I'm excited about this opportunity to provide a forum for submissives to talk and explore things in a non-threatening atmosphere. I want to help educate others in this lifestyle I love so much.
Still, it's scary to be the front man in this venture. I'm great with ideas, planning, and organizing... leading is not my area of expertise yet my Lady assures me I am a leader. Pardon me for not believing that yet. *smiles*
I have a little over a month to prepare for our first meeting. Too soon!
Everyone assures me that I'll do great, to that I say, I'm not sure about that but I'll do my best.
If I had to write a mission statement it would go something like this:
Our goal is to educate and provide support to submissives in the leather community.
That sounds about right to me. I hope this group becomes a helpful resource to the submissives in our community.
Monday, June 14, 2004
Touch avoidance
Today's Human Relations exercise was about nonverbal communication. We centered on touch as a nonverbal communication and took a little test. I wasn't happy with the way a couple of the questions were worded. One of them stated "I am comfortable putting my arm around same sex friends." The answer options were Strongly Agree, Agree, Undecided, Disagree, Strongly Disagree. I'm not comfortable putting my arm around anyone, that's just not what I do. So this raised my "same sex touch avoidance" score.
I'm uncomfortable with any touch from any person unless they're a close friend. Even then, I'm still learning to accept "good touches". I have major personal space issues that have nothing to do with societal conditioning and everything to do with a lot of "bad touches" growing up.
I think what annoys me about the exercise we did today was being put in someone else's box and having my behaviors defined by someone else's terms. One thing I did learn from this assignment is that there is no one catch-all label for everyone. Keep an open mind.
I'm uncomfortable with any touch from any person unless they're a close friend. Even then, I'm still learning to accept "good touches". I have major personal space issues that have nothing to do with societal conditioning and everything to do with a lot of "bad touches" growing up.
I think what annoys me about the exercise we did today was being put in someone else's box and having my behaviors defined by someone else's terms. One thing I did learn from this assignment is that there is no one catch-all label for everyone. Keep an open mind.
Sunday, June 13, 2004
Blech!
I feel like I'm huge. I went and tried on a pair of Capri pants that would be adorable on a thinner person, on me they just looked clown silly. It was disappointing. So what do I do? I ask to buy a bottle of Coke C2. It wasn't the best choice but it was better than regular Coke.
Instead of dwelling on my size I'm going to write my list of positives for the week. Master was kind enough to let me drop down to doing them once a week instead of every day. I was having trouble keeping up with homework and still writing my positives.
1.) I am sexy
People desire me; I am told that the way I look at a person can just drive them wild.
2.) I am beautiful
I have pretty eyes that are extremely expressive and my hair is luxuriously thick and naturally curly.
3.) I am a good friend
I genuinely care about my friends and do what I can to be there for them.
4.) I am a good student
I study hard, absorb the material, and am eager to learn.
5.) I am a good slave
I am devoted to my Master and work hard to please him.
And when I'm not focused on the negative, I know these things to be true.
Instead of dwelling on my size I'm going to write my list of positives for the week. Master was kind enough to let me drop down to doing them once a week instead of every day. I was having trouble keeping up with homework and still writing my positives.
1.) I am sexy
People desire me; I am told that the way I look at a person can just drive them wild.
2.) I am beautiful
I have pretty eyes that are extremely expressive and my hair is luxuriously thick and naturally curly.
3.) I am a good friend
I genuinely care about my friends and do what I can to be there for them.
4.) I am a good student
I study hard, absorb the material, and am eager to learn.
5.) I am a good slave
I am devoted to my Master and work hard to please him.
And when I'm not focused on the negative, I know these things to be true.
Thursday, June 10, 2004
Suffering for Him
I don't quite understand it, this need I have. I need to suffer for him. Suffering for his pleasure is sometimes more satisfying than the best orgasm.
I get aroused just thinking about the most recent session of suffering for him. We were lying in bed in the middle of the day; he'd requested a hand job…while I stroked him he began stroking my back and then slid a hand down the back of my shorts and began stroking my behind. The more firm his strokes got, the more aroused I became.
He started talking then, telling me how he ought to take my ass by force and how he wouldn't stop even if it hurt. Normally this kind of talk would worry me a little as anal sex isn't often pleasurable for me. That day, it turned me on to know that he would use me and hurt me for his pleasure. Then he told me "Ask me to buttfuck you." The crude words only added to the excitement. I shivered as I looked up at him, took a breath and pleaded "Please fuck my ass." He immediately got up and grabbed a condom while ordering me to strip and bend over the bed.
I knelt there shivering and aching with need. I was so very aroused but an orgasm wouldn't satisfy this need. When he stepped up behind me he told me "This ass is my property." He used copious amounts of lubrication but still it hurt as he entered me... I pleaded for him to go slow and to let me back onto him. He was relentless and soon had his cock buried inside me. It hurt, the pain filled me and the bed absorbed my cries as he used and abused my ass.
It seemed to last forever, the pain filled and surrounded me...I was animal wild and had no control over the cries torn from my throat. All I could do was endure. I endured his onslaught and thrilled at the growls coming from him.
Afterwards I was weak and shaky, similar to how I feel after a very intense S&M session... it was a delicious feeling. All of me belongs to him, even my pain. It's his to give, his to take, his to feed on.
I get aroused just thinking about the most recent session of suffering for him. We were lying in bed in the middle of the day; he'd requested a hand job…while I stroked him he began stroking my back and then slid a hand down the back of my shorts and began stroking my behind. The more firm his strokes got, the more aroused I became.
He started talking then, telling me how he ought to take my ass by force and how he wouldn't stop even if it hurt. Normally this kind of talk would worry me a little as anal sex isn't often pleasurable for me. That day, it turned me on to know that he would use me and hurt me for his pleasure. Then he told me "Ask me to buttfuck you." The crude words only added to the excitement. I shivered as I looked up at him, took a breath and pleaded "Please fuck my ass." He immediately got up and grabbed a condom while ordering me to strip and bend over the bed.
I knelt there shivering and aching with need. I was so very aroused but an orgasm wouldn't satisfy this need. When he stepped up behind me he told me "This ass is my property." He used copious amounts of lubrication but still it hurt as he entered me... I pleaded for him to go slow and to let me back onto him. He was relentless and soon had his cock buried inside me. It hurt, the pain filled me and the bed absorbed my cries as he used and abused my ass.
It seemed to last forever, the pain filled and surrounded me...I was animal wild and had no control over the cries torn from my throat. All I could do was endure. I endured his onslaught and thrilled at the growls coming from him.
Afterwards I was weak and shaky, similar to how I feel after a very intense S&M session... it was a delicious feeling. All of me belongs to him, even my pain. It's his to give, his to take, his to feed on.
Wednesday, June 09, 2004
Fitness Fantasy
As I was driving to class this morning I listened to the radio. I happened to stop on 102.5 for a second and heard marine corps-like drilling and heard someone grunting and moaning a bit. My curiosity was piqued so I had to listen on.
The producer of 102.5 does a sort of dare every Wednesday... today he was doing a Marine Corps boot camp workout at 7Flags. He wore a mic and ear piece so he could still communicate with the dj's while doing the workout. I got to hear him moan, grunt, groan and struggle to do the workout as the instructor barked commands in the background and even insisted on a hearty "Yes Sir!" response. The dj's teased and taunted the producer the entire time.
Call me twisted but the entire scenario turned me on, I really got off on hearing his struggles and listening to them tease and taunt him.
I found myself fantasizing about doing a scene like that... both as the one in charge and as the one having to try to do the workout. *shivers*
Am I twisted or what? I guess this gives new meaning to the term Fitness Fantasy. *grins*
The producer of 102.5 does a sort of dare every Wednesday... today he was doing a Marine Corps boot camp workout at 7Flags. He wore a mic and ear piece so he could still communicate with the dj's while doing the workout. I got to hear him moan, grunt, groan and struggle to do the workout as the instructor barked commands in the background and even insisted on a hearty "Yes Sir!" response. The dj's teased and taunted the producer the entire time.
Call me twisted but the entire scenario turned me on, I really got off on hearing his struggles and listening to them tease and taunt him.
I found myself fantasizing about doing a scene like that... both as the one in charge and as the one having to try to do the workout. *shivers*
Am I twisted or what? I guess this gives new meaning to the term Fitness Fantasy. *grins*
Tuesday, June 08, 2004
Busy, busy
Our weekend was wonderful. We spent most of Saturday with two very wonderful lifestyle friends and got some play time in as well as some bonding time. It felt so good to just be in slave space and to not have to try to serve from "Mommy Space".
Our playtime was short but delicious... While Master used the knife on me it felt like he was working to resist the urge to puncture my neck, it thrills me, to feel his beast straining against the cage he keeps it in... I don't know what to call that inside me which answers the howl of his beast but whatever it is wanted so badly to feel the blade enter my skin.
As he caned me I wanted to squirm away but at the same time I felt my body offering itself up to him for more... the pain became something more...it swelled and enveloped me…it pulsed from within me…it was bliss, it was his.
Later that evening we went to the bar with our friends and just relaxed and let loose. I had an admirer the entire night... every time I looked around his penetrating gaze was fixed on me. Eventually, while I was in the bathroom, he walked up to Master and told him how beautiful he thought I was. I think Master enjoyed the compliments paid to his property, I know I did.
Once we got home we were ravenous for each other's bodies. Master f***ed me and then stopped, holding himself motionless inside me he began to pinch and pull at my clit and labia... it felt like he'd pull them off. Watching me suffer under him was enough to set off a very powerful orgasm for him. It was amazing to see that my suffering could give him such pleasure. I felt immense pleasure at being able to serve him in this way.
He followed up by giving me an orgasm which was a special treat.
Sunday started with lusty sexy fun, the rest of the day was pretty slow paced and relaxed.
Monday morning Master gave me a small reminder of his ownership and care of me...it was nearly time to go but I hadn't finished my breakfast yet. I started to put it down so that I could go and not keep him waiting. Master responded with "No, finish your breakfast and make sure to drink all of your orange juice." It was a small thing yet it reinforced my enslavement and was a nice way to begin the day.
This week is going to be hectic; I have an enormous amount of homework that will remain constant throughout the summer term. I feel like I'm barely keeping my head above water. I got the admonition last night that for now my time is mine to manage but if I continue to struggle to get the work done Master will take over and manage it for me. So, with that I'm going to sign off and get to work.
Our playtime was short but delicious... While Master used the knife on me it felt like he was working to resist the urge to puncture my neck, it thrills me, to feel his beast straining against the cage he keeps it in... I don't know what to call that inside me which answers the howl of his beast but whatever it is wanted so badly to feel the blade enter my skin.
As he caned me I wanted to squirm away but at the same time I felt my body offering itself up to him for more... the pain became something more...it swelled and enveloped me…it pulsed from within me…it was bliss, it was his.
Later that evening we went to the bar with our friends and just relaxed and let loose. I had an admirer the entire night... every time I looked around his penetrating gaze was fixed on me. Eventually, while I was in the bathroom, he walked up to Master and told him how beautiful he thought I was. I think Master enjoyed the compliments paid to his property, I know I did.
Once we got home we were ravenous for each other's bodies. Master f***ed me and then stopped, holding himself motionless inside me he began to pinch and pull at my clit and labia... it felt like he'd pull them off. Watching me suffer under him was enough to set off a very powerful orgasm for him. It was amazing to see that my suffering could give him such pleasure. I felt immense pleasure at being able to serve him in this way.
He followed up by giving me an orgasm which was a special treat.
Sunday started with lusty sexy fun, the rest of the day was pretty slow paced and relaxed.
Monday morning Master gave me a small reminder of his ownership and care of me...it was nearly time to go but I hadn't finished my breakfast yet. I started to put it down so that I could go and not keep him waiting. Master responded with "No, finish your breakfast and make sure to drink all of your orange juice." It was a small thing yet it reinforced my enslavement and was a nice way to begin the day.
This week is going to be hectic; I have an enormous amount of homework that will remain constant throughout the summer term. I feel like I'm barely keeping my head above water. I got the admonition last night that for now my time is mine to manage but if I continue to struggle to get the work done Master will take over and manage it for me. So, with that I'm going to sign off and get to work.
Saturday, June 05, 2004
Verra verra interesting
Okay, so I had Human Relations in Business today. It's a class that is designed to improve one's interpersonal skills. Anyway, we had to do the touchy feely getting to know you stuff today. I really dislike it... I can't help it I think it's goofy.
Still, I play along and get involved. As we were doing it I noticed something... there is a whole group of guys in our class that are from smaller farming type communities... they clustered together and really didn't get up to mingle with the rest of the class we had to go to them. I don't know why but this was fascinating to me. I'm shy and introverted in a room with folks I don't know but even I get up and move around.
I've got a bucket load of homework to do before Monday. Nothing terribly taxing really, just loads of it. *chuckles*
I'm excited about tomorrow... a WHOLE day spent with lifestyle friends. I spent more time thinking about what specific higher protocols I was craving and finally realized something. What I'm craving more than anything is some Master and me time... time where I can be nothing but his slave without having to shift back into mommy mode or student mode or daughter or sister mode. Master acknowledged that he's been craving the same thing and that lack of play time has left him frustrated as well. I think we'll both feel *much* better come Sunday.
I'm looking forward to sitting on a tender bottom as I study. *silly grins*
Still, I play along and get involved. As we were doing it I noticed something... there is a whole group of guys in our class that are from smaller farming type communities... they clustered together and really didn't get up to mingle with the rest of the class we had to go to them. I don't know why but this was fascinating to me. I'm shy and introverted in a room with folks I don't know but even I get up and move around.
I've got a bucket load of homework to do before Monday. Nothing terribly taxing really, just loads of it. *chuckles*
I'm excited about tomorrow... a WHOLE day spent with lifestyle friends. I spent more time thinking about what specific higher protocols I was craving and finally realized something. What I'm craving more than anything is some Master and me time... time where I can be nothing but his slave without having to shift back into mommy mode or student mode or daughter or sister mode. Master acknowledged that he's been craving the same thing and that lack of play time has left him frustrated as well. I think we'll both feel *much* better come Sunday.
I'm looking forward to sitting on a tender bottom as I study. *silly grins*
Friday, June 04, 2004
Impressions and perceptions
I found out this afternoon that a slave friend of mine had me way up on a pedastal as the perfect slave. I don't know where she got the idea because she's seen me interact with Master and with others. She hasn't seen the raving psychotic side of me but only a select few get that dubious honor. Still, I'm far from perfect. Sometimes I'm not even average. I struggle with obedience and with service. I'm a smart alec, I'm opinionated, I'm hot tempered, high strung, and high maintenance.
I am stunned by the knowledge that I could be giving the impression that I'm the perfect slave. I thought I was genuine with my words and my behavior.
I'm not sure how to correct this misconception or how to prevent it in the future. I hope by Master and I spending more face to face time with her and her Master she will come to know that I'm just as human as she is and just as prone to making mistakes, having bad days, or just feeling ornery.
I adore her and her Master, I'd hate to have any distance between us, I'd rather us be very good friends for a very long time.
I am stunned by the knowledge that I could be giving the impression that I'm the perfect slave. I thought I was genuine with my words and my behavior.
I'm not sure how to correct this misconception or how to prevent it in the future. I hope by Master and I spending more face to face time with her and her Master she will come to know that I'm just as human as she is and just as prone to making mistakes, having bad days, or just feeling ornery.
I adore her and her Master, I'd hate to have any distance between us, I'd rather us be very good friends for a very long time.
Thursday, June 03, 2004
Be careful of what you wish
Lately I have had some difficulty keeping the right headspace. I don't sit around and order Master to serve me or anything like that but I do sometimes feel annoyed or put upon when Master requires my services. I know it shows on my face and unwilling service is not what I want to give to my Master.
Unwilling service is unworthy of him. So, I've asked him for a higher protocol day with the thought that a tightening of the reins will help reinforce my position. Master has granted my request; Saturday will be that day as we'll be spending the day with lifestyle friends. Generally we are very relaxed here at home and at lifestyle events I am generally allowed to wander and interact at will.
I'm having second thoughts about this request. I'm concerned that instead of feeling my position more I will feel stifled and will chafe at the bit. It's true what they say, be careful of what you wish you just might get it.
I will believe I am up to the challenge and that I can learn from the experience. I will believe that it will help me feel my position as his slave.
Unwilling service is unworthy of him. So, I've asked him for a higher protocol day with the thought that a tightening of the reins will help reinforce my position. Master has granted my request; Saturday will be that day as we'll be spending the day with lifestyle friends. Generally we are very relaxed here at home and at lifestyle events I am generally allowed to wander and interact at will.
I'm having second thoughts about this request. I'm concerned that instead of feeling my position more I will feel stifled and will chafe at the bit. It's true what they say, be careful of what you wish you just might get it.
I will believe I am up to the challenge and that I can learn from the experience. I will believe that it will help me feel my position as his slave.
Tuesday, June 01, 2004
Back to school
On the eve of my return to school I am wakeful and thoughts race through my head at breakneck speed.
One thing that never seems to change, child or adult, the night before the first day of school is one filled with some anxiety. "Will they like me?" "Will I do well?" Some of the thoughts are the same and some are new, such as "Should I shower before or after I take Master to work?"
I'm disappointed that I didn't get anywhere to pick up cool stickers for my notebook. Call me crazy but having a sparkly sticker or two on my notebook just makes me feel better.
I'm sure tomorrow will go well and I'll have a head full of new things. That's the best part of going to school. It's really funny to hear myself think that now. I was an average student at best through elementary and middle school, in high school I was a slacker; but in college? I excel. It just goes to show, it's never too late to be a good student.
One thing that never seems to change, child or adult, the night before the first day of school is one filled with some anxiety. "Will they like me?" "Will I do well?" Some of the thoughts are the same and some are new, such as "Should I shower before or after I take Master to work?"
I'm disappointed that I didn't get anywhere to pick up cool stickers for my notebook. Call me crazy but having a sparkly sticker or two on my notebook just makes me feel better.
I'm sure tomorrow will go well and I'll have a head full of new things. That's the best part of going to school. It's really funny to hear myself think that now. I was an average student at best through elementary and middle school, in high school I was a slacker; but in college? I excel. It just goes to show, it's never too late to be a good student.
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