Trigger, it seems like an innocuous word until you think about what a trigger does. On a gun it releases a bullet that wreaks destruction on soft human flesh. So too do mental triggers wreak destruction and havoc in the soft human mind.
I've had to give honest thought to my triggers today. An acquaintance of Master's and mine resembles a person we both trusted very deeply and who we thought we knew intimately. As it turned out, we didn't know that person at all, he molested our daughter. We learned a hard lesson with that person.
That situation became inextricably linked with my childhood abuse issues and another layer of triggers was laid on top of my old ones. The feelings from both are entwined almost as one.
Now that I've recognized that this acquaintance’s resemblance to our daughter's abuser is what has been triggering me I don't know what to do. I've disarmed some triggers successfully and no sooner had them disarmed to have new ones pop up. Sometimes, walking through my mind is like walking through an old mine field without mine detection devices and protective gear.
I realize that in reading this one might be left with the impression that I'm a basket case. I'm really not the emotional wreck I once was... for the most part I am flashback free, unless I think about the resemblance of the acquaintance to the abuser. Then it's as if I stumble from one mine into another, shrapnel piercing my body and ripping me to shreds. I physically shake myself and shut down that part of my mind... I don't think on it because I don't want to feel those feelings again, I don't want to feel his hands on my body, I don't want to see his stupid reassuring smile telling me that if I don't like it all I have to do is say 'no'. I had a therapist tell me once that he thought of flashbacks as the mind's way of making us deal with things. Sometimes I can see that point, other times I think it's just torture.
I sometimes wonder why I entered this lifestyle, why I have this need to submit, given my past. I think, as a submissive person, I'm more vulnerable and open to being hurt. I've lived my life in fear of being hurt like that again and have spent considerable energy to prevent it.
In the beginning, being able to stop things with one word was empowering... then it became a burden... I didn't want that control. I guess it was a sign of my growth and healing that I wanted, no needed, to give up that control.
In giving up that control, I've given up the decision about this quandary to Master. I have to remember that, sometimes I forget and I try to solve issues on my own. Like this one... I started this journal entry with the idea that I'd suss out a solution. In the end I realize, the solution isn't mine to find, not really. I've already told Master everything I've written here, he's aware and will be there to guide me through the mine field.
