This week has certainly had its share of ups and downs. I'm not sure if I'm up or down right now.
Sunday saw the purchase of a new toy meant to stimulate my g-spot. It's curved with a ball on either end and it's made out of glass. I'll just say that it's very effective. *enigmatic grins*
Monday, Mark shows his insensitive butthead side, the car begins acting up, and my back goes out again.
Tuesday brought with it the realization that Master can't support our family single handedly much as he'd like to. He's been trying to keep us afloat so that I can get through school without having to try to manage work, family, and school. I love him for wanting to do it and for trying but I see now that he needs my help.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't upset by this. I'm hoping he can hold things together long enough for me to finish this term. My class schedule is such that a lot of employers around here won't work with it.
As long as I can finish this term I can just reduce my class load in the fall and still work towards my degree. It'll take longer to finish but at least I'll still get to work on it. I don't think I could handle having to quit completely. I want to build the skills necessary to work in an office environment as more than just a number. Data entry clerks are a dime a dozen, a good administrative assistant is difficult to replace. That's what I want to be, a valuable and difficult to replace employee. That's not so much to ask for is it? I think it is an attainable goal. As long as I can cope with juggling school, home, and work.
That, my friends, is a big IF. It wasn't long ago that just juggling home and work was enough to send me into a tailspin of panic attacks and depression. I still get overwhelmed at times and I get scared that the feelings of being overwhelmed are a harbinger of a new round of panic attacks and depression. I know, I know, there are medications out there to help with these things. I think medication is a great tool but it always left me feeling disconnected from my body, there's nothing quite as disconcerting as feeling as though you are floating somewhere above your body instead of living inside it. The doctor assured me this was my imagination. *rolling eyes* I won't even get into the sexual side effects that I experienced.
Needless to say, as long as I am able, I want to live medication free; so, I journal when things are bothering me, I talk with friends, and I breathe, a lot.
Beginning to feel overwhelmed? Deep breath in and let it out very slowly through pursed lips, rinse and repeat as needed. That's an asthmatic breathing exercise meant to help one regain control of one's breathing but it works well for impending panic attacks too.
I'm just hanging on for the ride right now... roller coasters are thrilling but I prefer the tilt-a-whirl. I'll take spinning and giggling over stomach dropping and screaming any day.
