I talked with Master and with my Lady about this yesterday but I still have a few things to work out.
I had an online conversation with Mark yesterday, the Dom male Master shares me with. Mark used to be my primary dominant partner, before Master chose to enter the lifestyle. When Master stepped in, Mark stepped back to a very secondary role. He became more like a close friend and play partner.
Our conversation turned to weight loss and his complaint that his girlfriend has become obsessed with her upcoming gastric bypass surgery. After talking with him I think I understand now why she is obsessed.
I made the mistake of sharing my honest opinion that I think too many people see weight loss surgery as a magic pill. After that he equated being overweight with being defective. I even asked for clarification on that because I was stunned by this statement. In all the years I've known him he has never said anything like this to me. He spent a great amount of time helping to build up my self-esteem and showing me that I am sexy as I am. And then I find out that he really believes I'm defective because I'm overweight??? It stung. More than that it shook my trust in him and hurt my feelings.
I was entertaining evil thoughts about him yesterday... today I'm not so angry but still hurt. I find it hard to believe that he really thinks that. In a sense, I feel betrayed and lied to. I don't think I'll be trusting his words for some time to come, if ever again.
I very nearly fell into my old pattern of self-loathing because of outside negativity about my weight. It was a close thing... I wanted to do self-destructive things. A few years ago I cut the words "Fat B*tch* into my belly... that's what self-loathing does to me.
I am proud of myself for pulling back from the brink of self-loathing and for ending the conversation and getting away from that negative attitude. It would have been so easy to get caught up in that downward spiral. I did well.
