Where I am and Where I'm going

I can't believe my last post here was so long ago. I've been focused on myself and this process, this journey, that I started in January. I wasn't sure I wanted to write about it here. I wasn't sure this was the appropriate place. Then I hit road blocks and all thoughts of writing went out the window only to be replaced with frustration, anger, and thoughts of quitting.

So what is this process? This journey? Put simply it is a journey to healthier, happier me. In January I became serious about pursuing laporoscopic gastric bypass surgery. My insurance required a six month doctor supervised diet, which I did with minimal results. Then at the end they did blood work and found a thyroid issue, which put surgery on hold until my thyroid was under control. I was approved by my insurances but at a stand still because of my thyroid. It took a month to get in to see an endocrinologist and then another month for the meds to work. Finally, finally my thyroid was under control at the end of September.

I was released by the endocrinologist for surgery and surgery was scheduled for November 3rd. Time seemed to creep and fly by almost simultaneously. My surgery was successful. Recovery, on the other hand, has been a bit of a rocky road. Less than two weeks post-op one of my main incisions became infected. I had a quarter-sized crater in my belly that hurt like Hades and left me feeling weak and tired.

The infection is gone and the crater has shrunken both in depth and in diameter. I've lost 31 pounds since surgery. Sounds easy doesn't it? It wasn't, isn't, and won't be.

After surgery I had no appetite so I had to force myself to sip water and milk. The first full week after surgery I was advanced to full liquids, which included the bane of my existence; the dreaded double milk. Double milk is 1 cup of skim milk blended with 1/3 cup of powdered milk. At first it was great because it filled me and satisfied my returning appetite. Now, if I ever have to drink double milk again I may just run away screaming. The last week on double milk I had to force myself to drink it because I knew my body needed it. I advanced myself to pureed foods a couple of days early because I just couldn't do double milk any longer. That was just this past weekend. Pureed foods on day one were heavenly now I just wish I could eat real food.

I'm having to learn, as if for the first time, what it means to feel full but not over-full. I have to take vitamins and supplements four times a day for the rest of my life. I have to make sure to get adequate protein or risk muscle wasting, hair loss, and malnutrition. I had buyer's remorse for a few weeks after surgery. I couldn't believe I'd done this to myself. I'm still trying to wrap my head around it all. I can't imagine myself being half the person I am now at this time next year. I probably won't be if I don't get the exercise up to where the doctors want it. Sixty minutes a day, every day.

For at least three weeks after surgery I was a raging b*tch. I was angry all the time and I don't really understand. I've been told that it's my hormones going crazy and my body trying to adapt. Whatever it was I'm glad it's over because I was horrible to live with and I know I pushed Master to the brink more than once. I tell you, I am one lucky woman. Few men would stick by me the way Master has or cut me the slack he has.

Would I change my mind if I could? Are you kidding? This is the hard way to lose weight even if it does seem easy because it comes off so fast. But my new stomach doesn't let me overeat and I'm so thankful for that. It does, however, tolerate sugar and that's a problem I'll still have to struggle with.

Master has been my rock and support through all of this but I worry that my having this surgery and losing weight so rapidly is taking its toll on him. I think he feels pressured now to diet and exercise to keep up with me. I do want him healthy and fit but not for appearances, he's one sexy man, but I want to grow old with him and I worry that it won't happen if he doesn't take better care of himself.

I'm finally starting to feel like a person again instead of a medical patient and I find myself aching to serve so I'm slowly beginning to resume the services I performed before. It feels good to be getting back to normal. It's a slow road, my energy levels are still low and might be for a little while yet. But I do what I can and feel really good about it.

I don't know what the future holds for me or this blog at this point. I have a LOT of work to do in addition to living life and being grandma to not one but two beautiful baby granddaughters that we've been gifted with this year. I won't blog much about the little ladies but suffice it to say that Grandpa isn't the only one to be wrapped around their tiny little fingers.

Renewal

Some people pamper themselves with a bubble bath, a good book, a tasty treat, or a new item they've been wanting to recharge their batteries.  These are good ways to practice self-care, especially when you're stressed beyond your breaking point.

 

However, I've found I feel the most renewed after an intense SM scene with Master.  I didn't realize just how heavy the stress I've been carrying was until this morning.  I've come to hate my job, it's no secret, I just don't like what I do or who I do it for anymore.  I've gotten more and more frustrated about this because, for now, I need to keep this job and be thankful for it.  I've also taken on more than my share of stress over running our local BDSM group.  The mixture has been toxic to say the least.  I've been irritable, short-tempered, physically and mentally exhausted, and unhappy with life.

 

Saturday night Master and I had planned to go to a dinner that a member of our group runs and then on to a hotel room for some much needed play time.  On our way Master changed his mind.  He decided to take me out to dinner and then onto the hotel to get an early start on playing.  He was eager to play and didn't want to wait and hey, I wasn't going to argue!

 

So we enjoyed a nice dinner together and then went to our hotel room.  I got sidetracked by cable TV for a few moments but it didn't take long to get back on track.  We started out slow and moved into owner/property or predator/prey space.  He doesn't give me time to think or to process, all I can do is feel and react.  It didn't take him long to reduce me to tears... repeated face slapping in-between cock sucking... or was that cock sucking in-between face slapping?  The face slapping made me eager to strive harder to please him with my cock sucking, not that he seemed displeased, but that is my reaction to pain when sex is included.  Can't explain it don't want to try.

 

As I drove to work this morning I was almost cheerful!  I'm never cheerful on a Monday morning.  Sarcastic, cynical, even grumpy, but never cheerful.  I almost didn't recognize myself.  I'm sure Master was wondering where the real me was hiding.  I wondered the same thing.  SM play is my self/Master-care.  There's just nothing quite like being reduced to a sobbing, snotty mess to put things into perspective.

Twisted

I feel twisted inside.. it's hard to explain.  My mind is running in a bazillion different directions.  Before I start though I want to recommend flylady.net to any struggling (or even non-struggling) service- and non-service-oriented s-types out there (and maybe a few d-types too).  It's an awesome "program" to help one break down household chores into manageable bits and hopefully give you more free-time while getting better organized.  So far I've shined my sinks and am making my bed daily.  I do what works for us, I make up his side of the bed at night when he's at work and then my side before I leave for work in the morning.  It's not perfect, we have our own blankets, but it feels good to *do* something to make our bedroom more inviting.  He noticed when I started making up his side of the bed and that felt good too. *soft smiles*

 

So on to what's going on in my head.  My mind is pulling me in so many directions at once it's hard to figure out which direction is most important.  There are lots of BDSM community things going on now plus something new that I really want to be a part of.  I am super excited about all of this but there is a lot of research and hurry up and wait involved.  I am not a good hurry-up-and-waiter.

 

I'm feeling guilty about my diet... I'm supposed to be following a 1300 cal diet in preparation for gastric bypass surgery approval.  Please no negative comments-I've thought them all myself and have heard a few already.  I'm not going into this blindly, I've been researching it for the last five years and have taken at least that long to go from "I'll NEVER do that" to "It's what I need to do to get healthy and preserve my back health for as long as possible."  I need to improve the quality of my life and I'm not going to be able to do that with diet and exercise alone.  I can't lose enough weight on my own and can't take appetite suppressant medications unless I'm willing to give up the meds that keep me sane-ish.  Gods know I've tried to do it on my own.  I know, I'm not "fat enough" by many people's standards, even I feel like I don't need the surgery as much as someone who is over 300 lbs.  But I know I need the permanent appetite control (as long as I follow the pouch rules) to help me.  It's a tool just like your eliptical trainer, Weight Watcher's meetings, and appetite suppresants.  The only difference is this one is permanent and pretty drastic.  Anyway, as I was saying, guilty about the diet.  I've fallen off the wagon and back into old habits due to stress and depression.  I see the shrink in a month's time, I'll talk to her about the depression.

 

The stress is largely from work.  I'm starting to hate my job, a lot.  I'm depressed when I'm here and I don't feel even a tiny bit better until I'm home.  Even then it feels like this huge thing looming over me because I know I have to go back the next day and so on.  Weekends are even difficult to enjoy because Sunday night comes way too quickly.  I know I should be thankful that I have a job when so many are losing theirs, and I am.  I'm thankful that I'm able to help Master support our family.  I'm SUPER thankful for the dental and medical benefits, without them we'd be so freaking broke and I wouldn't be able to consider the surgery due to cost.  It's the job itself that is getting to me and the subtle policy changes since we were bought by a larger company.  It's slowly changing form the company I signed on with to something else and I'm not sure I like where it's going.

 

On a positive note Master played with me Friday night and we went places we haven't been to in quite some time.  It felt good to go there but it was difficult too.  I'm out of practice and couldn't find my groove.  I got angry and wanted to fight but ended up crying instead.  It was a roller coaster ride and he's promised another one this Friday.  I should be at least a little bit worried.  When your sadistic Master says "I'm going to make you cry" generally one should worry right?  I'll worry later, I've got enough going on in this head of mine right now.

I Need It

I need to be beaten, to be reduced to a sobbing, snotty mess.  I need to be stripped of all the armor I wear every day to survive.  Stripped to my core and bared for Him to see.

 

Catharsis, I need it, and I want it through SM.  I'm left cleansed afterwards, light, all heavy emotions lifted away and for a few brief moments, before the armor slides back into place I'm free, I'm me, soft, vulnerable, utterly at His will.

 

I want to be held, petted, comforted after.  Until the armor slips back into place.

 

 

Marked for Life

Master marked me with his initials. If I didn't know who owned me before I do now.

Hollow

DISCLAIMER: This is not the whole of my relationship with Sir this is a bad patch that I need to write out so I can work through it. I know there are a few out there who love me reading this who will take this as another negative check against Sir. I ask those people to remember that they're not perfect either and though they may not have hurt me the way I'm hurting right now, we all have our faults. I'm not making excuses for him or what he's done, if you saw the lashing out I've done at him you'd know he's not getting any slack from me, whatsoever. However, I love him and I have to decide if what he's done is bad enough to warrant throwing away ten pretty good years together.

I'm feeling a bit hollow inside. I decided Friday night that I may need to return Sir's collar to him. I don't know if I can continue to wear his collar given what he has done. I'm hurt deeply but I'm not really surprised by any of it, nor should I be.

I found out earlier this week that Sir has been seeing another submissive for the last 2-3 years, for about as long as I've been working full-time. I only JUST found out who she is and how long their association has been. I knew he played with others off and on but I didn't know he had a regular friend/playmate. I also found out he's broken his promise to me to use safer sex with other partners so he and I can play bareback. I'm not sure which betrayal hurts more. Maybe the condoms because he made a direct promise to me. I've never cared too much about him having other playmates, that's part of his make-up and I knew that going into this. What rankles is the lying and hiding. For instance, he told me he hasn't seen her since September, she says December. He's also told me that he would never collar another submissive and now the story has changed to "I'll never have two collared submissives at once."

She's another kettle of fish altogether, she came to my group's munch knowing all about me and who I am and let me introduce myself to her but didn't say a word to me about who she is. It feels a bit like sneaking about to "check out the competition" to me. Whatever, it's over and done with.

How did this all start? Simply enough really, Sir told me that she'd told him that she met one of the Tribe at a party and asked that member about Sir and me. She told Sir that the person she spoke with told her that Sir and I played without permission and that s/he didn't like Sir because of that. Sir was upset that his private life was being discussed, his confidentiality had been broken. I became upset for similar reasons. I confronted said person and was given a different take... Nothing of the sort was said, s/he didn't know that Sir was playing without permission and that this playmate was insinuating or stating that she was Sir's collared submissive. I confronted her after finding some contact information for her. I was livid that she'd lie to Sir and that she'd lie about my friends. After the confrontation she went to the friend in question and now I'm told it was a misunderstanding. Fine, whatever. That's no longer the issue at hand.

Trust is a HUGE issue for me, anyone close to me knows this, most people get one chance and if they break my trust they are dead to me. I spent too many years with betrayal as a regular occurrence in my life by the one person whom I should have been able to count on no matter what. I have zero tolerance for betrayal. Yet, when it comes to people I love I'm more lenient, I give them second and third chances. If I didn't I would have missed out on the spectacular person Master is today, I would have lost the greatest love of my life. I'm also very wolf-like when I mate, I do it for life. Or at least I prefer to. I want to keep the people I love.

If it wasn't for the betrayal, the lies, and the hiding Sir would be perfect. He's loving, caring, sensitive, dominant, a generous lover, a good listener, slow to anger, easy going, and fun-loving. I know he genuinely loves me but (there's always a but isn't there?) he can't seem to be fully honest with me and he can't seem to keep certain promises. I NEED him to be able to live with and accept the limits I need in our relationship in order to be able to trust him, to be able to submit to him. I have lots of doubts as to whether or not he can, as does Master. Poor Master is in a tough position, he loves me and wants to protect me from hurt yet he wants to give me the respect and freedom to make my own decisions, and he genuinely likes Sir.

Sir has been a huge positive influence in my life and in Master's life through me. But, he's also given me some of the deepest hurts too due to lying and hiding relationships with other women. Will he never understand that I can accept that he has other partners as long as he's open and honest with me about them?? As long as he can be truthful and practice safer sex I'm OK with his play partners so long as they're not predatory. But that's the question, can he do it? Does he want to? Do I matter enough in his life? I have no answers and he's on vacation for two weeks.

My anger is gone, I'm left with the hurt, and this deep hollow spot that follows betrayal. I try to chin up and carry on and mostly I'm doing okay. I got drunk Friday night, intent on revenge-submission (childish and DUMB I know). I got drunk, flirted shamelessly, and had a very hot mini-make-out play scene with two very wonderful folks (THANK YOU!). And I teased a good friend with her nicely bound breasts that just begged for attention. I wonder if she enjoyed my tongue piercing? *soft smiles* All of that just drained my anger... I let loose and truly relaxed for the first time in... I really don't know if I've ever relaxed my self-control that much. I was angry and on a mission, that's the only reasoning I can think of for how relaxed my self-control was. Okay, the bottle of Captain Morgan's might have helped just a wee bit.

Anyway... I don't know what I'm doing or what I'm going to do. I'm hurting but I'm not surprised, I knew he was unfaithful when I met him, so I couldn't exactly expect him to keep the faith with me. Yet some stupid part of me hoped he would. I love him, I don't want to lose him in my life but I can't keep letting him hurt me this way. If he loved me as much as he says he does he'd change his ways and respect my limits. And there's the core of it all, does he love me as much as he says he does?

Happy Anniversary

Today is the 5th Anniversary of our collaring.  Master has owned me now for five years, in that five years we've explored deeply, and have had our ups and our downs.  Here we are, today... still Master and slave and still going strong.

 

Of course on the 23rd we'll be celebrating our 22nd year together if that helps to put things into perspective.  The last five years has seen a deepening of our relationship.  Over the past weekend Master carved his initials into my flesh just as he's carved out a space in my heart that fits only him.  It's better than any wedding ring, wearing his initials in my flesh, I just wish I could wear his marks in my flesh as openly as one would wear a wedding ring.

 

Happy Anniversary Master I love you.

Predatory People

I've always been leery of singles in the BDSM world, single submissives especially, because they're needy. This isn't a bad thing and I don't mean it to sound that way. But it seems the newbies let their neediness override their common sense and they cling to the first Dominant to play with them. I wasn't any more immune to this when I was new so I'm not talking from some high sense of morality, rather experience.

But this clinginess, especially when the Dominant is in a committed relationship, can cause problems for the established couple. How do you set firm boundaries so the submissive doesn't get the wrong idea? For that matter, how do you set boundaries to keep the Dominant from getting the wrong idea because they're not immune either. There's nothing like a submissive starring up at a dominant with that rapturous doe-eyed grin to make a Dominant feel good and more Domly.

I was talking with Sir the other day, I'm having an issue with a submissive he's played with. I kept telling him he should have set firmer boundaries with her. But I couldn't really say how he should have done that. One Dominant I know has his submissives perform aftercare with submissives he plays with to keep some distance. So I guess that's one way to keep firm boundaries. But how do you stop someone from liking or even loving you? And if it happens should you end the relationship/association to prevent problems within your committed relationships?

I keep coming back around to boundaries. What boundaries do you set to keep things in perspective? Do you reiterate every time you play with the same submissive (who isn't your committed partner) that they're not going to become a committed partner? Should you have to if you're both adults?

So what is the method to keep things in perspective? How can some people do it while others can't? I'm just thinking out loud really.

Double Standards

This isn't sex-based but rather status-based, maybe it is sex-based too I don't know.

 

It seems okay, accepted, and even (dare I say it?) encouraged for dominants to have multiple submissive partners.  This seems to be the "norm" in the BDSM community.  It's talked about all over the place and nary a negative word is said about multiple ownership by a single dominant person.

 

Yet, if you're submissive and identify as a slave, you're either not a "real" slave or not a "good" slave if you admit to serving more than one dominant partner.  I don't know anyone in our local community like me, who has more than one committed dominant partner and there are very few online that I know.  I seem to be running into a lot of judgement over this and it's driving me bats.

 

What makes a dominant more capable than a submissive of managing multiple partners?  Their dominant nature??  I've seen single dom/multiple submissive relationships fail time after time because the dominant doesn't manage the relationships well-enough or personalities clash.  Yet here I am, a submissive, with two romantic/sexual and one non-romantic/sexual committed relationships with dominant partners that have lasted years. Sure we've had our ups and downs and I've made mistakes but I seem to be doing just fine even though I'm a slave.

 

So why the prejudice?  Why the "shoulds"?  Why can't a slave serve more than one dominant?  I have one owner and two dominant partners, I answer to all three, but ultimately to my Master.  This is "normal" for me.  I'm wired to have multiple partners, multiple loves.  I can't change who I am and I'm sick of feeling like I should apologize for it when it's perfectly acceptable for dominants to be wired this way.

Crashed

It kind of blindsided me, sub drop. Crash really. I have no energy today, I'm feeling down, and even a little panicky. It has been probably a year since my last drop so I guess that's why I'm so shocked by it.



I thought I was experienced-enough that I knew how to manage it, cope with it, etc. That's what I get for thinking.



Master and I didn't even play terribly hard or take things too far last night but it was new and a little intense. He introduced face-slapping, at my request, and it was great. The sex was great too and we had lots of cuddling afterwards while we both came down. Perfect right? Loads of aftercare, sleeping in, lazing about watching movies today, and doing a little bit of laundry. Not too bad, but no, I'm sapped for energy and struggling to keep the sadness and blah feelings at bay.



I wish he didn't have to work tonight. I could use some more cuddling and a bit of company.

I'd love it if I had tomorrow off from work so I could spend the day in service, cleaning house and being little miss Suzie Homemaker.

Dusting Things Off a Bit

I know, I know, I know, I haven't been here. I feel like I haven't been much of anywhere these days.

I've been working and sleeping and working on sleeping and working on our local kink group and working on changing things in my life.

The catalyst for my blogging today is the loss of a friend. I found out today that she committed suicide a couple of days ago. Just a few days ago she was alive, today she isn't. I want to believe in the ideal of "that which is remembered, lives" but right now it's difficult while grappling with my feelings of loss.

I wonder what was so horrible that made life unbearable for her. I wonder if there was something I could have done to ease her suffering if only she'd reached out to me, if only I'd reached out to her. Maybe I do too much of letting people spool out on their own and coming to me when they're ready. I don't know. I can't be responsible for every single person in my life, to try would be insane. But maybe I should do more checking up on my friends to at least let them know I'm still here and that someone cares about them.

I know she had a lot of emotional pain in her life but I never realized it was so much. It's both hard and easy for me to understand why she decided to end her life. I've been there at rock bottom and knowing for certain that the light at the end of the tunnel is just another train coming to run me over again. I've wanted to die, to cease to exist, or to crawl into a hole and let the World pass me by. But I've never acted on those feelings, I just couldn't, something in me won't give up. I wish I could share some of my internal fight with others who don't have as much.

I just hope she's found peace at last. I hope her suffering is over and that she's content and has enough of everything.

I'm going to miss her and it's hard knowing that I'll never see her smiling face again and that I'll never hear her infectious laughter. She and I went through a lot of firsts together, and kept each other company as we were both wall-flowers to some degree. I'll cherish those memories.

Forgiveness

I just read this inspirational quote in one of my Beliefnet.com e-mails and I'm still processing it...

"Forgiveness is giving up all hope of a better past..."

I feel floored by this. It makes a lot of sense and I can see why, in some cases, I have a hard time forgiving certain people or acts. In the case of my mother I want to forgive her but I'm held back by the hope of somehow magically changing the past. Logically I know this won't happen but it's a childish wish. I think part of the reason I haven't been able to forgive her is that there is no hope of a better future, she won't change. So instead of forgiving and trying to forge a better future I'm just cutting her out of my life altogether. Hmm.

In the case of other loved ones and wrongs done, there is great hope for a better future and there is an excellent present so forgiveness comes easily. Hmmm yet again.

Food for thought indeed.

Orphaned

Yesterday I was trying to explain how I feel now, after last week's revelations, regarding the mother to m'Lady.  The closest I can come is that I feel like an orphan but not in the negative sense of the word.  I don't feel abandoned, rather I just feel like I'm my own person with no real parents.  And in this sense I feel free from a lot of my past.

 

I never had a father growing up.  I knew I had one and I even knew who he was, met him, and saw him occasionally.  But he wasn't my father or my dad.  He was a sperm donor for all intents and purposes and I had no attachment to him and felt no familial relation to him at all.  He made it plain that he didn't acknowledge me or my sister as his children and didn't want to be a father to us after I'd written him a letter asking why.  I feel the same way about the mother now.  I feel very detached from her and very little familial relation.

 

This may seem like a negative thing at first glance but in all honesty it isn't.  I've spent a lot of time stressing and had a lot of angst over my relationship with her.  It's been wasted time and now I am finally free of her.  I feel better than I have in a long time.  Strange but true.

 

I hope my sister can get to this point.  She bore the worst of it.  I always thought she was the favored child who could do no wrong in the mother's eyes.  The things I didn't know could fill a book and I regret not being there to protect my sister.  I can't change it now but I will try to help her get past it if I'm able.

 

So yep, feeling good.  Feeling positive.  Had a good visit with the headshrinker and I don't have to go back til January.  Yay!  Now if Master could start feeling better, poor guy has some sort of bug, the World would be right. :-)

 

 

Sweet

When I was upset last week over my sister's revelations about our mother I'd written to m'Lady and Sir.  I needed to vent (a lot) and I needed their support.  I also wanted to let them know what was going on with me just because I like keeping them in the loop.

 

Sir is on vacation and I didn't expect a response from him until he got back.  But the very next morning after writing he sent me a note of support and love.  His words were sweet and it was obvious he really wished he could offer more than just an e-mail in the way of support.  He even sent me a little something to cheer me up and take my mind off of my troubles.  It was unexpected but welcome all the same, even if I did feel a little guilty about maybe being a downer on his vacation.

 

They're all wonderfully supportive.  Master keeps reminding me that what may or may not have happened, regardless of the circumstances, doesn't change who I am.  He's right and once I digested and processed the information I wrote an (as of yet) unsent letter to my mother describing my feelings, which has helped me move through them.  I'm feeling better about it.  There's nothing I can do to change the past but the future is mine to decide and I'm afraid she's not going to have a starring role in my future.  Probably not even a supporting role.  She'll be an extra that has no lines and is very rarely seen, if at all.

 

I hate giving up contact with a blood relative but do I really want that contact given what this person has done to me?  The short answer is 'no'.

Where Did It Go?

Where did all my anger go?  My righteous anger, my unrighteous anger, my illogical and irrational anger... where is it when I need it?

 

I feel like my foundation has been knocked out from beneath me and instead of being angry about it I'm sad, hurt, lost, and in shock.  But I feel like I should be angry.  My sister told me that our mother told her she knew we were being molested but that she let it continue because he was helping to pay her bills.  She knew, yet she let it continue.  When I finally dredged up the courage to tell her (about a year after it started) she wasn't exactly surprised but she tried to deny it.  Then she finally believed me and left me home to babysit my sister while she went on with her life.  At the time that included school and AA meetings.  I was probably ten years old, my sister would have been five.

 

Knowing what I know now puts the night I told in perspective.  No wonder she didn't stay home with us and care for us.  She didn't care.  She never bothered to ask my sister if he'd touched her too.  She didn't need to did she?  She pretended to care, she called the police to file a report, sent me to stay with my grandparents for a couple of days for my safety, and had heart to hearts with me as one survivor to another as I got older.

 

It was all a lie, all one big act to cover and salve her own guilt in making her daughters victims for her own selfish ends.  I thought my childhood was sick and twisted but this is an all new low.  I was holding out hope to have a loving relationship with my mother but that hope is officially dead now.  I don't want a relationship with a monster and I certainly don't want her near my children.

 

I can feel the anger simmering deep inside me but it's so deeply buried under the other feelings that I'm not sure it will get out.  Mostly I feel sick, physically ill.  I feel like I've been violated all over again and I'm in shock, I feel kind of numb.  I cried in Master's arms last night as I told him what I'd learned.  Gods that man is a gift.  His love for me is so powerful, I feel wrapped up and safe inside it.

 

I don't know what I'm going to do or if I'm going to do anything.  It will affect the future.  Some people think you can reconcile with your abusers, forgive them, etc.  I can't.  I can not hate them but I can't let them into my life or give them the opportunity to hurt me again.  Given the other abuses my mother heaped on me and the worse ones she heaped on my sister, she doesn't deserve reconciliation.  She doesn't deserve to have me and my sister or our children in her life.  She's unworthy of any of us.

 

Master is right, this doesn't change who I am but it does put things in a different light.  Our lives could have been so different if our mother hadn't hated us, been selfish, and used us as tools to make her life easier.  I was mostly okay with my past until I found out the truth.  Now, I don't know... I just don't know.  Nothing was what I believed it to be.  Nothing.  I spent a good part of my life trying to earn my mother's love, I felt like there was something wrong with me that if I just tried harder she'd love me.  It should have been the other way around.  She's never been worthy of my love.

 

 

Fresh Start

It's a nice sunny day today.  The temperature is a bit chilly but the sun is bright and is shining into my cubicle for the moment.  Sunshiney days and cool temps tend to make me feel fresh and new.  I find I'm more motivated on days like today to make positive changes in my life.

 

I'm trying to pull together a support group of sorts for getting healthy and fit.  I know that for me to be successful I need support and accountability.  I feel ready to get back to work on my physical fitness.  If nothing else it will help improve my moods and energy levels.  It would be nice to drop a few sizes too, I've got a closet full of clothes and I can wear less than half of them due to finding too many lost pounds and being inactive.

 

I wish I could manage to force myself out of bed early enough in the morning to get a quick ride on the aerodyne bike before work.  For now I'll settle for walks on my breaks and exercise after work at home.

Circling Thoughts

I try to banish them, these thoughts, but they keep bubbling up to the surface.  I guess they need my attention and they're telling me it's time to deal.  I watched Georgia Rule yesterday and while being a good movie, it hit some triggers.  I won't spoil the movie other than to say that part of the story deals with a girl whose step-father molested her.

 

I was reminded of when we found that a close family friend had molested our oldest two.  I spent time agonizing over what my gut was telling me (the kids denied it for a long time) and not wanting to believe someone I had known for so many years was capable of something so vile.  My gut finally won and he was evicted from our lives.

 

A few months down the road we heard he'd been jailed for child molestation and again I asked the kids.  This time they told me the truth.  They'd been afraid while he was free.  Part of me died that day and has never recovered.  I know I'm not superwoman and I know I can't control everything.  I even know that I can't keep my children safe from everything.  But that was one thing I'd always wanted to protect them from.  I never wanted them to go through what I'd been through.  I spent a lot of energy teaching them ownership of their bodies and to tell no matter what.  I underestimated the power of intimidation.  I trusted the wrong person and I learned that no matter how well you may think you know a person, no matter how long you know them, you never truly know them.

 

Part of me will always feel guilty for letting that person into our home and into our lives.  It isn't logical to continue to feel badly about it, it doesn't serve a purpose, but I can't seem to completely rid myself of that guilt.  I feel partly responsible because I spent too much time questioning my gut, my instincts.  Yes I'm human and it's not something you want to believe of your closest friends.  It's a serious allegation to make.  What ifs abound in this type of situation.

 

I've tried to find forgiveness for myself and for him.  Logically I understand that he's mentally ill, not right in the head, whatever.  But emotionally I don't understand.  He knew about my background, he knew what it did to me, and he knew how I'd react if someone ever did that to my children.  We'd talked.  Sometimes I wonder if he was hoping to be caught by us because of this.  I wonder if he was hoping we'd stop him for good.

 

During moments when my mind isn't occupied my thoughts circle back to that time.  They go round and round.  I forcibly move my thinking to something more productive but that isn't really dealing with the problem.  I need to go to the source.  I need to ask why.  I didn't really ask many questions when I confronted him after the trial was over and he was convicted.  I was lucky to be able to function then.  I just wanted to hurt him as much as he'd hurt us.  I told him he was dead to us, I wish it were that easy for me.

 

The kids seem to have managed to take back what he took from them.  They're functioning and mostly happy.  They're creating lives for themselves with fewer problems than I had.  Or at least that's what I see and hear from them.  It's probably time to check in.. though I'm loathe to bring the topic up at all.  I've destroyed all pictures of him and I refuse to speak his name nor do I like to hear his name brought up in conversation.  I truly want to erase him from our lives, I know it won't undo what's done but none of us need reminders of him.

 

Surprisingly I'm not as down as I thought I'd be.  I'm just a little off today as I move through some of the feelings I've shied away from.

 

There's no drama, no feelings of 'woe is me', no self-pity.  Just the reality of the situation and finally dealing with some of what I wasn't able to deal with then, or since.

 

Games We Play

It's funny, the little games we play to initiate SM play, sex, or just some sort of intimacy.

 

When I was younger I'd wrestle with people I wanted to be near, people I was attracted to.  It was physical closeness and with the right person, turned into more than just wrestling.  I don't really do it anymore, I'm already intimate one way or another with the people I'm attracted to. 

 

However, Master and I still play silly games and enjoy a lot of humor in our bedroom.  Last night I was just feeling playful as he was getting ready for work.  I attached my hair clip to his penis and I commented "It's starting to grow!  It likes it!"  Then he just sighed and said with mock seriousness, "You've done it now... you've touched it, you have to take care of it" as he lead me to the bed, removing my clothes as we went.  I protested my innocence, not very sincerely, "It wasn't me it was the hair clip!"  "I didn't do anything, it's not my fault!"  He just looked at me and said "The sooner you get up on the bed the sooner we can be done."  It was fun, light, and playful and I guess, a form of foreplay.

 

I love moments like that because I'm a lil kid at heart and I like to play and be silly.  It thrills me to no end when he plays along with me.  It's been a while since he's been that playful and it's good to see his playfulness returning.  That's one of my favorite things about our relationship, the playfulness and the laughter.  He makes me laugh and I make him go "Hmm.." most of the time.  But still I amuse him with my quirks.

 

We don't play games to initiate SM, either I ask or he initiates it.  I think it might be fun to try "play punishment", similar to the hair clip situation but with spankings before the sex.  We don't really need these games but they do keep the humor and fun alive in the relationship.

Overcompensating Perhaps?

I've been feeling extremely happy lately.  I finally have this "deep dark secret" that never really was a secret in the first place, off my chest.  I feel like the lines of communication with Master and with m'Lady are wide open finally.  I feel like I can breathe again.

 

We've had a lot of miscommunication or lack of communication regarding our relationships and it feels SO good to have them open.  I didn't realize how much of my personal misery was tied up in all of that until it finally hit the proverbial fan and we all started talking.

 

However, as a result I'm finding myself eager to find playmates for Master and wanting to prove to him that I really am okay with him playing with others.  Some of our issues have involved my insecurities, jealousy, and (ultimately) fear of loss of Master's time, love, or attention.  So I've been babbling like a brook about him playing with others, suggesting possible playmates, and asking him if there is anyone in particular that he's interested in.  I know, I know, this is not my area of control.  He made it clear that I needed to put on the brakes and leave it to him.  So I'm letting go and letting him decided if/when he plays with others.

 

Yesterday, watching an episode of HBO's Big Love I was struck by the beauty of the family atmosphere.  I told Master that that type of life appealed to me somewhat.  I could tell he was a bit uncomfortable, perhaps he's still unsure of me and that will take time, or maybe I'm just off base and he doesn't want another slave.

 

I can see that my change of mind might seem sudden.  To be honest I've been thinking things through for a long time but there was always something holding me back, something internal.  But that something seems to be gone now and I'm agog at all the possibilities that I've been closed to for so long and that I've kept Master from for so long.  Ultimately my hang-ups have really limited the growth of our relationship as Master and slave so I'm really looking forward to our future now with hope that we'll get out of this rut we've fallen into.  Saturday night was certainly an excellent start.  Friday evening was a good start too.  I was irritable with no real good reason for it and every time I'd get revved up he'd check my attitude, it really helped to not be allowed to get too far with the irritability and negative attitude.

 

Today life is good. :-)

Awesome Weekend!

This weekend was one of the best I've had in quite a while.  I had things planned and they (mostly) involved being home and doing some projects.  Instead I wasn't home much at all and didn't get the projects done but I did have a great time.

 

Friday night was a home night, a girls' night in with old episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer TV show.  I think my favorite episode has to be the one titled "Wishes" where Xander and Willow are vampires... there is one scene in particular that gets my motor revving.  Xander stands behind a girl and bites one side of her neck, then Willow comes in from the front of the girl on the other side of the neck and as they feed Xander wraps his hands in Willow's hair.  (fanning self) that is just hot hot hot!

 

Saturday I spent time with our local kink group, got to meet a new member and chatted up friends and got some really good squishy feel good hugs.  Then I picked up HRS and we went to the mall.  First stop Teavana!  OMG!  If you're a tea lover it's definitely the place to go.  They've got a Web site http://www.teavana.com and it's spectacular.  I got to try two teas I'd never had before and I just have to say, loose tea beats the crap out of any bagged tea I've tried so far.  I oohed and ahhed over all the gorgeous teapots and teacups and the sake sets.  I found a book that is a serious wish list item.  It has step-by-step instructions on how to perform Chado, the Japanese Tea Ceremony.  I've been searching for just such a book for YEARS!  Now I've found it, yay!!!  I told HRS to tell LMR (Little Miss Raincloud) that if she's looking for holiday gift ideas I wouldn't be averse to gift cards to Teavana. (grins)

 

Saturday evening was spent watching movies with HRS and Master, we watched Run Fatboy Run, if you're into British comedy and/or Simon Peg it's a good movie.  It was hilarious and sweet at the same time.  We're big fans of Brit comedy and I'm a major fan of Brit programs like Doctor Who, Hotel Babylon, and Red Dwarf.  So now you know my geek side.

 

Saturday night Master and I went to bed sort of early and boy am I glad we did.  He got out the cupping set and covered my back with them and then the real fun began.  It was a wonderful way to spend the evening and I was goofy happy that he chose to play with me and made the time to do so.  The sex was great too. ;-)  We rarely have just 'us' time these days.  During the week we're both so freaking worn out from working, plus he works overnights so our schedules never mesh, that the last thing we're thinking of is any kind of SM play.  Sex is generally for his pleasure (and I'm NOT complaining about that-I love it) but we don't have the time to spend enjoying each other that we'd like to have.  Weekends are usually time for both of us to vegetate and recover for the coming work-week.  I really wish Master could get some regular exercise, I think he'd feel a LOT better and have more energy.  I know I've felt a bit better since beginning to walk on my breaks again.  Sure I'm worn out but I don't feel dead at the end of a work day like I had been feeling.

 

Sunday was fun, it was a girls' day out.  HRS and I went to the Pride parade and Pride Fest and we had lots of fun.  I saw a couple of friends in the parade and at the Fest and got to introduce them to HRS.  HRS and I enjoyed some shows from a locally famous Drag Queen and an excellent Prince impersonator.  It was one of the first times I didn't feel self-conscious, I was dancing and singing along and just having fun.  Poor HRS (who is a bit introverted and shy) was a little embarrassed by Mom's dancing.  Hey, I never said I was good. lol

 

When we got home we had dinner and watched tv as a family.  It was nice.  I got to bed early and made decent time with my morning routine.

 

Master has been working on getting into a routine schedule so he can be awake in the evenings with us.  I've really enjoyed it a LOT.  I've missed spending time with him and HRS as a family.