Feeling Irritable

I feel irritable right now. I want silence, solitude, to be alone. But no, they have to be here, they have to talk to me even after I've said "Please leave me be, I'm writing something." No, they don't understand personal space or boundaries. Mom is supposed to be available 24/7 no matter what.

So, I deal and I don't snap at them, I just sigh that heavy sigh, you know the one, the one that says "I really don't want to do this", and I answer them, make conversation and try to continue to write.

That's one of the downfalls of having the computer in the living room, no privacy. No privacy is also a downfall of summer break. Year round school, I demand it! *ggg*

Talking about the cutting and other past issues has left me kind of introspective yet irritable. When I talk about these things I remember them, vividly. I have physical memory, my body remembers what it felt like to self-harm, my mind remembers the emotions I had. It felt good, I felt powerful, and sometimes I miss it.

I'm seriously considering kneeling in the bedroom with the canes in my hands when Master gets home from work tonight. I want the pain, I need it. Does that make me addicted to the pain? Perhaps. Does that make my coping mechanisms immature? Yeah, likely. I can live with that. I am who I am not despite my experiences but because of them. The early neglect and abuse shaped me into a self-reliant, independent person. The sexual abuse tempered me much like the flame tempers steel, it hardened my will to survive and showed me that I should be careful with my trust. The self-injury showed me that there are things I can control. Master is the one who taught me the self-injury hurt others and helped me find other ways of coping.

Still. Still I feel selfish at times and want to cope with things the way I want to cope with them. Sometimes I just want to feel the pain. *shrug* It's just part of who I am, how I'm wired.

It's really odd too because today has been a good day. I passed the physical exam for the job I'd applied for and at the second interview earlier this week I was offered the job if I passed the test. Sometimes there is no rhyme or reason for my moods I guess.

I am having fun with these avatars though. They really brighten up my blog and put just that little bit more expression into it.