She's Lost Her Mind

I'm sure Master thought I'd lost my mind yesterday when I snapped. It was a totally unconscious thing for me, it just happened. I was doing our checkbook and found that we're $22 short. I wasn't expecting it and from the online statement it looked as if he'd made a withdrawl that he hadn't told me about.

In my defense, I've been under a lot of stress regarding money and feeling downright useless in terms of helping to alleviate some of the money issues. This isn't an excuse or a justification for my behavior. I shouldn't have reacted the way I did, I stepped outside of myself mentally and just watched the exchange knowing it was ridiculous but being helpless to stop it.

My snapping led to Master snapping and we ended up having a pretty nasty fight with lots of hurtful things being said. After our anger was spent we came back to ourselves and realized just how silly it all was. It's really silly to argue over $22, y'know?

We apologized and made up and the rest of the evening was pretty nice. Though I was a little controlling, trying to direct Master's driving. I've got to learn to let go. One of these days it will sink in.

Yesterday's fight seemed to fit right in with all the disjointed feelings I've been having. I've been feeling less connected to Master than usual and that usually results in me floating on up to a Top space where I'm unbearable and bossy. I think, what I need, is a tighter leash. Or maybe I just need a good solid kick in the butt.

It's really hard to find a balance between his slave and the kids' mom. Especially when I'm the kids' mom all day long and I *have* to live in that Top space for so many hours. I've never been very good about finding balance, too much all or nothing thinking going on.

My submission isn't the only thing that seems to be out of control these days, I've lost control over my eating too. Or maybe it'd be more appropriate to say I've given up control? I know what I'm doing when I buy the junk food, I know I shouldn't. Still, I do it. It's the same with the fight yesterday. I knew I shouldn't behave that way but I didn't stop myself.

I need to feel controlled and in control again but I don't know where to start. I don't know what will or won't help and I'm worried that Master doesn't know either.

All I do know is that I'm committed to him and to this relationship and there's got to be a way to make it all work.