Topping from the Bottom

How often have we heard this phrase? How often has it been used as a tool to denigrate another? "You're not very submissive, you're topping from the bottom."

Well, it can also be used as a tool to point out controlling behavior that one might not otherwise be aware of.

It was used to point out some of my behavior Friday night by a dominant friend of ours. At first I felt kind of defensive, how dare he say such a thing to me? I mean, I'm the best slave I can be aren't I? Then I calmed down and realized he wasn't saying it to be snarky or to put me down. He was just pointing out something that I do without even thinking which is kind of ironic because what I am doing is thinking.

We'd been talking about a play rape scene for me, he was rather into the idea with Master's permission, and I was thinking about all the possibilities and the practicality of what he was suggesting. It's what I do, I think things through, overthink them really. I plan and plot and like to figure out all the unknowns so I'm prepared for whatever might happen. In other words, I don't like to let go and just let things happen. I maintain some control in my planning.

He told me to stop, I couldn't plan it all out because that's topping from the bottom. It may not seem so but it is, for me. I do plan things out as a means of keeping control. I don't like to do anything unless I know all the details, if something unknown happens, I don't take it well.

Hmm. Lots to think about. I told him that I can't stop thinking, there are only two occasions when I stop thinking, when I'm aroused beyond a certain point, and when I'm taken past a certain point with pain play. Other than that, I think, during a mild flogging I sort of step outside my body and think "What's he using? Is that the rope or the suede?"

I don't know how to stop thinking, I've tried meditation and end up thinking through the whole thing even though I've tried to just let the thoughts go. I've mentally chided myself for thinking, tried to clear my mind... even during guided meditations stray thoughts will wend their way into my consciousness.

It's no wonder I don't feel very slave-like sometimes, I'm busily planning and controlling everything.