Yeah, it's a heavy post today. There was a question asked on the owners and slaves list about cutters and masochism that got me to thinking a lot.
This reminds me of something else that's been percolating in my brain, subspace as a means of disassociation. Many s-types have written or talked about how they float off somewhere else mentally and are no longer aware of what is happening to their bodies. I've seen people actually pass out/lose consciousness during SM play. I'd like to know the why of it, the how of it. You see, I've always been mentally and physically present during SM play. I like the way I process pain and can't imagine ever not being present to experience it.
I haven't disassociated since I was a really young child, I was about 7 I think. It was after my grandmother died and Reality (I use capital R-eality to describe what we experience as a group and little r-eality to describe what we experience individually) was less than pleasant. I was left with a mother who didn't want me so I divorced myself from Reality and lived my own reality. It was bad enough that I was sent to a special school where they combined therapy and education. Since then I have been hmm, hyper present. I can't divorce myself from what is going on around me despite wanting to sometimes.
This is an across the board sort of thing, I've never experienced that floaty headspace that I've seen and heard talked about. Nor have I ever lost consciousness as I've seen others do. Mind you, I'm not putting down their experiences, I'm actually fascinated by them. I'd like to know the how and the why of it as much as I'd like to know the how and the why of my experiences.
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As long as I've been in the Lifestyle, admittedly a short 6 years, there has been discussion about the link between self-mutilation and masochism. If there is a link, then how do we explain those who have never self-mutilated? I was a self-mutilater, even as an adult, and I'm also a masochist. I began to feel like trying to figure out if there was a link, or not, was similar to a dog chasing its tail. The self-mutilation and masochsim, for me, have different motivators but I do think that the self-mutilation might have been a symptom of the masochism. Of course psychiatric professionals might disagree with me, I don't know.
Our son came to me one day and asked me "Is it wrong to like pain?" and I told him that no, it wasn't wrong it was just the way he was wired. It may be simplistic but it feels true to me.
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I had a discussion about this with my friend earlier today; about masochism and how it relates to mental health and self mutilation.
I've "cut" in the past, but recently I realized that there were times where the motivation behind cutting my skin had two distinct types -- cutting as a form of release of stress and cutting as a form of auto-masochism. There were times where it wasn't sexual, but I did it just becuase it felt nice. And now that I've recognized that difference, I feel that if I were to cut myself again, for the reason of "it feels good" would free me a little bit from the social stigma of being a "self-mutilator."
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