Yawning Chasm

Warning: Depressed ranting and venting with just a little whining thrown in for spice. If this isn't what you're looking for, read no further.

I'm feeling pretty down these days. The pain is out of control and I feel helpless against it. I'm pushing through my days because I have to, because I'm expected to. When I get home there's nothing left, I have nothing left in me, I just want to curl up and not exist. I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't want to be talked to, I just want to be left alone. The pain has become the focus of my life again. It'd be very easy to say "Don't focus on it, focus on something else" but when each step, each breath, each movement is filled with pain I ask "How?"

Master is optimistic, he thinks the pain will get better like it did the last time. I think he's dreaming. I guess his view is better than mine spending the next year, or however long it takes before I can afford to have surgery to fix the problems, in this kind of pain. Yes, I'm having dark thoughts, wondering if a life with this kind of pain is going to be worth living. I was almost pain free before last Thursday! I was almost normal, almost human, almost not controlled by pain. And then suddenly I'm back to square one and not even able to sit on the couch and watch TV without having to shift position a million and one times because it hurts. I'm miserable. My whole body hurts and nothing is helping.

I don't know what the doctor will say tomorrow and I guess it doesn't really matter because I can't do what it will take to fix the problem. So why even go? Why bother? My options are extremely limited, I can have the epidural (which didn't work before) or the surgery (which I can't afford and may never be able to afford). So, I ask, what is the fricking point when I'm going to have to take Option C, continue on as I have been and just survive? The only reason I'll go is to get answers, to find out exactly what I've broken this time.

It's all just starting to feel pointless. No I'm not threatening suicide, the thoughts are there yes, but I'm just not the type to follow through. Being the sadomasochist that I am I'd rather torture myself with thoughts of oblivion, release, relief, but not allow myself to have those things.

I'm just wondering why bother trying for more, for something better, when I'm not going to be able to enjoy it. Master will probably get upset with me for these thoughts, for my being so negative, but I can't help it. I FEEL negative. It's hard to be positive when I hurt from head to toe. The only positive I feel is positive that I hurt today and today is all I can see right now.

I'm running on empty here and I can't get past the pain.

Peevish

I've reinjured my back, I was working out and poof, there it went. So, I'm undergoing another MRI and followup with the pain doc. I'm pretty well at peace with it at this point. I can't undo it, much as I'd like to. I'm working on getting past the feelings of being a burden on Master. He says I insult him by suggesting that he'd be the type of person who would consider anyone in his care, a burden. The man has a point so, I concede and I apologize for the insult. I purposely avoided posting here for the past few days so I didn't fill this space with the pitypoorme crap that I've been doing in private e-mails to certain loved ones and support groups.

Last night Master and I were watching this show on cable on a channel named WE (Women's Entertainment). The show was called Secret Lives of Women: Fetishes. Well I just HAD to watch it when I saw that title. For the most part the show was interesting, however; there was a woman on there who was a slave whose outlook on slavery kind of hit my buttons. She said that as a slave she's no longer responsible for her choices, for the consequences of any decisions made, etc. You get the point I'm sure. This line of thinking always irks me. Consensual slavery is *not* an abdication of responsibility in my book. In fact, I see it as a greater responsibility in that I am answerable to another, not just to myself.

I think I can see where she was going with it in that there is a mental game one can play with oneself when one is having difficulty getting past certain social conditionings such as "good girls don't..." When Master tells you to do it then you're not really doing it of your own volition right? This then means that you're not responsible for it, right? This is great when you're just starting out or when you're pushing limits but, there should come a point where you realize that you really are responsible for each and every decision you've made. If you're driving Master somewhere and he tells you to speed to get there and you get pulled over for speeding "Master told me to do it" isn't going to go over very well with the police officer and it certainly won't get you out of the ticket. It would be about as effective as "the devil made me do it."

One of my biggest pet peeves is people not taking personal responsibility for their actions. Slave or not, I am still responsible for my choices, regardless of whether or not I'm following orders. It's not as if choosing to be his slave was the last choice I ever made. Consensual slavery is a path of constant choices, with each day, with each order, I make the choice to obey, to complete a task. No matter how nice a fantasy it might be, Master will not be the only person dealing with the consequences of choices made. Every consequence and outcome will affect both of us whether I was following Master's orders or not.

I've tried very hard to instill the value of personal responsibility in each of our children, I think I came to it too late with our son and our oldest daughter. Too many of their early years were spent with me still living under the shroud of victim. All these horrible things had happened and were happening to me, I was helpless to stop them. They were half-grown by the time I realized I could effect change in my life, before I became personally empowered. Too little too late? I don't know. All I can do now is live, and teach, by example.

Goings On

It's been busy around here lately. School started today for the youngest girl and school starts next week for me and the oldest girl. Our computer decided to have a nervous breakdown (we think the motherboard is fried) and we're using the old computer that had been given to the kids to use.

I feel sort of lonely today, I'm not accustomed to being alone, I got so used to having HRS here and doing things with her. Now I'm back to seeing her for maybe an hour a day, if that, during the week. Ahh well, enough of the pity party.

School starts next week for me and I'm nervous about it. I'm taking accounting 101 and math is SO not my subject. I want to do well but I worry that I won't. Maybe I'd feel better about it if I knew I'd have time to actually study.

Pain = Arousal?

It's kind of ironic, one of the things I hate the most (being helpless, blindfolded, and "tortured") is one of the things that creates the biggest arousal response in me. I get a flood of moisture between my legs every time. The thing is, I don't feel mentally or physically aroused. I don't usually eroticize the pain, it's just pain, something to be felt, to be endured for him.

Yet, yesterday, after he'd had me bound, blindfolded, and "tortured" me, when he felt between my legs I was sopping wet. This is an arousal response in me that doesn't happen to that extent very often. Most of the time I'm very controlled in everything, even my arousal. *shrugs*

In the past I've rationalized that my masochism grew out of the self-mutilation that I practiced once upon a time. I thought it seemed like a reasonable explanation at the time. However, after yesterday's experience (remind me why I was eager to buy the Wartenburg Wheel??) I'm reconsidering. I mean there I was totally cold going into this, not aroused in the slightest, he did things to me that leave me begging for mercy and wishing I had the "right" to say stop when I'd had enough, and my body decides this is arousing. It's not the first time it's happened, it's just the first time I've really sat and thought about it. The other times there were things happening that were arousing to me so I guess I didn't give it much thought.

I guess what I'm getting around to saying is that I must be wired for pain, to like it even when I hate it and believe me, I really do hate being on the receiving end of the Wartenburg Wheel. No matter how determined I am to take it stoically, as soon as he starts in I'm reduced to a whimpering thing, begging him to stop and trying in vain to escape. And here comes the irony, I'd have been disappointed if he didn't do things like that to me. I sit here and shake my head at myself, I'm one big contradiction walking.

The Beast

Disclaimer: This is not an attack against anyone's point of view or preferences, nor is this a recommendation to try this type of "play". This is just my point of view borne from my own experiences and introspection.

I'd wanted to write a sort of essay about this subject though there aren't that many resources to pull from. Just my personal experience and rememberance of an article I read a year or so ago that I can no longer find.

When I talk about The Beast, which is a term I first saw coined by a dominant (whose article I can no longer find online) who was writing about the deepest darkest part of his sadism, I am talking about that part of Master that he keeps locked tightly in a cage lest it get out and wreak havoc on our lives. I have jokingly called it his inner serial killer but it's no joke, it is that part of him that can maim and kill without a second thought. And, for some reason, it's the part of him I like to rub up against from time to time.

I have something in me that is like the other side of that coin but that I have no word for. Not victim, a victim doesn't give consent. Perhaps prey is the closest I can come to describing the part in me that answers the call of his Beast. Though I realize that prey doesn't exactly give consent either, it's the best word I've got for now.

The other day swan mentioned that the Beast is something she and her Master don't like to see very often, which got me to thinking about my own situation and perceptions. I'll say that I'm not ready to entertain the Beast very often, nor is Master willing to let me too near the cage either. He doesn't like the emptiness he feels and fears for my safety I think. I also have a healthy enough sense of self-preservation that I don't like to tempt fate too often. Perhaps this sense of self-preservation is a type of fear? However, as I've already said, there is something in me that needs that sort of interaction every once in a great while. It's draining for both of us, physically and emotionally. For Master he has to let go, sort of divorce himself from his emotions; go empty. For me, I have to hang on and remember things said during that time aren't meant, they're all part of the moment, the experience. I won't lie, feelings have gotten hurt in the past. We've dealt with those hurt feelings and moved on.

But, I don't fear The Beast because I trust Master implicitly. I trust that he has enough self-control that he won't go too far, I trust in his love for me and that he can't completely divorce himself from those emotions. Some might say I trust too much, that too much is left to chance, but if it weren't I wonder if the encounter would be enough to satisfy my inner prey.

When we do this dance, the dance of Beast and prey, it isn't about pleasure, definitely not my pleasure. It's a need in me that has to be fulfilled, a need to be totally debased, used, degraded even, and yes, physically hurt. In that moment I don't want him to be careful of me, attending to my wants, my pleasures, I want him to sate his inner sadist's lust, to slake his thirst with my body, which is what he does.

I don't expect anyone to understand this. It's definitely not a death wish, nor a sense of “I deserve this”. It's just another facet of who I am, perhaps it's a part of my masochism. I honestly don't know.

What I do know is that to thrive I need those occasional encounters. I need to be so caught up in the moment that there is no room for other thoughts, I need to be used so thoroughly that I ache for days afterwards, I need to be able to fight back without fear of reprisals. In the Beast I find all that, and afterwards, when the Beast is sated and I can see that the Master I know and love is definitely alive and well behind those so brown eyes, I'm wrapped in arms of love and comfort. We comfort each other then, help each other come back to ourselves, tend each other's wounds, and clean each other up. Then we spend the rest of the day/evening cuddling and just being together. This is the balance.

It's not for everyone, it's certainly not safe, and it's not something I recommend without a lot of safety nets and self-control. But it is part of my relationship with Master it's a part of who we are as individuals and as a couple. We've found acceptance of those parts of ourselves in each other.

Without a doubt, this is edge play in the extreme and I don't recommend it to anyone. There is a higher risk of things going wrong than with things going right. However, for Master and I, the benefits right now outweigh the risks.

All is Right With the World

I treated myself to a three-day-weekend this past weekend. I decided near the middle of the week last week that I just needed some time off and three days in a row sounded just about right. I'm sure I'll crash a bit tomorrow, sort of a post-vacation let down, when I go back to work but it was worth it.

It all started Friday with a short e-mail to Master. "I want to bleed, I want to bleed you, I want to share blood." We haven't done it in such a long time and right at the moment I wrote that e-mail I was craving it. I know, it's squicky to a lot of people but to me it's the deepest, most intense experience I can share with him. The first time we did it I felt as if we'd formed a deeper bond together, it almost felt, mystical, spiritual.

When he came home from work I told him he had some e-mails he should probably read. Sneaky me? Yeah. He read my e-mail and then went upstairs to shower. One minute I was lying on my belly in the center of the bed reading, the next minute I was being pulled up by my hair with him growling "So... you want to bleed do you?" Talk about instant arousal. I don't know how he did it, he went from happy-to-see-his-wife-after-work mode to sadist in no time at all. I'd love to share all the details but honestly, they're a bit fuzzy. I remember at one point I was kneeling and sucking his cock, deep, deep in my throat having my air cut off... then I was left bending over the bed while he set things up that he wanted. Music, knife.. that sort of stuff. He cut me then, across my back and my bottom. Deep cuts that with a few slaps, bled well. I felt him wipe the blood off my back with his finger and though I didn't see him, I know he licked them clean of my blood. There was some very nice spanking in between all that as well.

He had me kneel then as he sat on the bed and cut his shoulder for me, two little lines, deep enough that in moments blood was welling up to the surface. I just knelt there, my mouth hanging open, my eyes hooded, and my thoughts fuzzy. I knelt up and kept inching closer, amazed, watching the intent expression on his face as he bled himself for me. I fed then, at his shoulder.. lapping up the salty, metallic, fluid. Sucking at his flesh, moaning low in my throat, and reaching down to stroke him. When I'd had my fill he laid towels on the bed and had me lie down... sex toys were used and orgasms were had. I later told him that was the best part of my whole weekend and it was. It was some much needed SM, bonding, and forbidden afternoon sex, that we've both been missing sorely and it's also something we only get to do once in a great while right now.

The rest of the weekend was busy, we did grocery shopping, cooked dinner together, checked out the new Wal-Mart on our side of town, got a jump on buying HRS's school supplies, swam, and went to the library. Master did something very special for me today. He went swimming with us. He usually doesn't like to swim, he's uncomfortable in crowds, and is somewhat body conscious. It was so nice having him there and we all had such a good time together. I've become more focused on exercise lately and I want to do it, but I don't want to do it at the expense of my time with Master. So, I'm thrilled that he joined us today. He even enjoyed himself and admitted that it had felt good to get some exercise. Of course, he did forget to put on sunscreen and is now just a teeny bit pink. Good thing we didn't stay out there too long 'else he'd be a hurting unit. I think mostly I'm just happy we got to have today together.

Since ZBoy has moved out I've become keenly aware of how precious my time with the kids is and how short a time we have left in this stage of our relationships. I want to soak it all up, make as many good memories as possible, and just be happy together.

To finish the day Master gave me a spanking and great sex before bed, well, before he went to bed that is. Which is where I should be.

Love Fest

I'm still blown away by Master's ability to share me with M. I'm just absolutely amazed by him. He loves me so much and is genuinely happy when I get to spend time with M. Yesterday I was humbled by it. I'd gotten to spend a couple of hours alone with M, the first I'd had with him in nearly a year.

I sent Master a detailed e-mail about the day before I left for work and when I got home he told me how happy for me he was that I'd had such a good day. I could hear the happiness in his voice, see it in his eyes, and I could feel the love radiating from him. He was truly pleased for me. I'm awed by this man, truly. How could he ever wonder why I love him? Sometimes I don't feel worthy of him, like I don't deserve him.

He's a special man and I'm thankful he sees something in me that's worthy of loving and keeping.

Run By Updating

I guess I disappeared there for a bit again eh? Well, what can I say? I'm rarely here long enough to write much of anything. If I'm not at school or at work, I'm at the pool with HRS. If she had her way we'd be at the pool all day long, every day.

I'm growing more and more dissatisfied with my job and find myself chomping at the bit for something new, something where I'm not the verbal punching bag for ignorant strangers who don't have the capacity to read and understand a simple order form and choose to take it out on me and blame the company for their ignorance. My tolerance level for these people is at about a -6 and one of these days I'm going to say what I'm really thinking. Hopefully I'll have another job lined up before then. *chuckles*

The summer term is winding down and I'm anxious for the fall term to begin so I can get to the finish line. I'm tired of being a student for now. I need a rest.

I'm doing OK on the diet front, though I gained a half a pound in the past week and I'm wondering if it was the two trips out to eat that we made this week that did it. Either way, I'm not beaten. My clothes are all loose fitting and I'm driven to get into smaller sizes. I actually got into a 22 last night, it was just a wee bit snug and didn't look good at all. Could have been the style, whatever, I'll keep looking elsewhere. I didn't feel the usual upset over the clothes not fitting just right that I've felt in the past. That, in itself, is a major victory. I know that until I get to whatever my ending weight will be, I'm going to be between sizes more often than not and that's OK.

We're going to visit with the Tribe for the day today and I'm really excited. We haven't gotten to spend much time with them in quite a while. Life has just been WAY too busy. I'm hoping Master and I might get to sneak a little S&M in while we're there too. I'd be satisfied with just lying over his lap and receiving a leisurely spanking, I'm not greedy. I just need that physical connection with him, the give and take, and the energy we build together.

Really Doing It

You know, I've talked a big talk in the past about getting healthier. I've even made half-hearted attempts. And yes, over the past 8 years or so I had lost about 25 pounds. BUT, in the past month or so I've lost about 11 pounds. I just lost three of those pounds over the last week. I'm proud of myself for staying motivated and sticking to it. I can see visible results now, not only the numbers on the scale but in my jawline and my chin. Things are becoming less rounded and more defined and it's exciting. It's almost like watching a painting or a sculpture take form, I can't wait to see what the finished product will look like.

Master says he's noticing the changes too and it feels so good to hear that, to know that I'm not imagining things with too much wishful thinking.

The key to these results? Exercise. Who'd've thought it eh? I've been getting out and swimming for a half hour as often as I can. The only downside to losing weight? My clothes are getting loose and I think I'm between sizes so buying new clothes just isn't an option yet.

After years of wanting to be thinner, healthier, etc., I've finally found the right mindset for it. I finally want to do it and I want to do it for me. I want to FEEL better, I want to have more energy, I want to have less pain, and I want to be able to serve Master better.

I'm really proud of myself for actually doing it this time, for sticking to it, and for continuing to make the effort.

The Unwelcome Visitor

Well, I finally have my answer. The procedure in March didn't work like I'd thought/hoped. The evil monthly fairy is back. I'm pretty upset about it right now. I feel like my only option is to just live with it again like I've done for most of my adult life. We can't afford another procedure and I'm so leery of messing with my hormones by using BC to manage my periods and keep the polyps at bay.

I guess today was the perfect day for this to happen, it's storming outside, it matches how I feel inside.

WHY did I let myself get my hopes up? I knew better, I really did. I'd read enough failure stories on the ablation discussion board to know that my chances of being bloodless were slim. Yet, as April saw only spotting and May came and went with nothing and then June seemed like the same scenario, I got confident that I was going to be bloodless.

Well, this sucks and I'm not happy.

Good Times

It all started earlier this week. I went for my first walk Tuesday. I took HRS for a drag (that's going for a walk under protest) with me and we had fun. It was a short walk as these things go but it was enough to make me breathe a little harder and break a little sweat. I felt energized after the walk and, horny!

Yesterday I had a day off from work for a follow-up with the GYN regarding the surgery in March. So far so good, we're doing a progestin challenge next week to see just how effective the surgery was. Excepting April I've been bloodless and that wasn't even what I'd call a period. Yeah, I know, gory details, sorry. I'm not terribly excited about taking the hormones, half afraid that I'll start bleeding, and half afraid the hormones will make me insane.

Last night Master and I were getting friendly on the couch, getting each other quite aroused with covert teasing. Then I had to go pick up LMR and things went a little south after that. When I got home Master was waiting in the bedroom for me and we tried to rekindle the feelings we had earlier but were finding it very difficult. LMR was shouting at HRS in the hallway and we were both a little stressed over the way my car's breaks are behaving. So, we decided to give up and call it a night, we crawled into bed and settled in for the night. I picked up my book and started reading trying really hard not to let myself get angry over my frustration. I was so eager for some good sex with him and then the mood just kind of evaporated in the wind, yet I was still very aroused.

Well, it didn't take long for my hands to start wandering over him. It started out innocently enough, I stroked his arm, rubbed his belly, and well, then my hand traveled a bit lower and he made some happy sounds which encouraged me to do a little teasing. Light touches just near his groin but not quite touching anything. Then he started teasing me and by the time he started biting my neck and shoulder I was done for. We fooled around for a bit just getting each other worked up and then I turned out the light. I don't know why but I feel less inhibited when I'm that aroused and the lights are out. It's weird because I'm not a strictly "Turn out the lights before I'll get nekkid" kind of gal. But, in the dark, it feels more erotic, more something that I can't quite put words to. He did oblige me with some light breath play which thrilled me no end and only served to wind my crank that much tighter. He's my favorite lover, it's like we're built for each other, made to fit together just right.

Today was a good day too. I played hookie from class this morning, I was exhausted and needed more sleep. Yeah I know, bad girl. So spank me. I had to visit another one of my doctors for something else which turned out to be A-OK and I got home early enough to take HRS for a swim. We were only there for about a half an hour but it was great. It felt SO good to swim and even just walk around in the pool. The water supports some of my weight and takes some of the stress off my back which gives me some totally pain free time. HRS and I love to swim together and today was our first swim of the summer. I plan to take her for a swim tomorrow too and I hope m'Lady might join us but if she doesn't that's fine, we'll still swim and we'll still have fun.

And now, I'm off to work for the evening and I really don't mind. The swim really helped relax me. Why do I always forget how good I feel after getting some exercise and put off doing it again for such a long time?

It's The Simple Things

I feel at peace this morning, calm, happy, and relaxed. I know I have homework to do yet today but it feels as if there is plenty of time for it. I don't feel rushed, harried, or frenzied. I'm alone in the house and it feels good. I took time to do the sinks full of dishes, I feel accomplished. One less task for Master to do.

Master and the offspring are off to his company picnic, I could have gone, he wished me to, but he also knew I'd be uncomfortable (physically) and out of place. Hard benches and lots of standing do not make for a fun-to-play-with-later-slave. I have nothing in common with the people he works with and he's assured me that if ever the women at the gathering saw me they'd glom onto me wanting all the juicy little details I could give them about him. Not a fun position for me, who abhors the usual male-bashing gossip-swapping that a lot of women participate in. This is why I don't socialize with many women. I tried in the past to socialize with the wives of Master's co-workers and it was horrible and was definitely enough to put me off of their type forever. Maybe I'm just socially inept because if I have nothing to contribute to a certain discussion I don't say anything at all. I'm not good at making small talk so I don't try.

I'm not too proud to say that I'm uncomfortable with meeting strangers looking as I do. Yes, yes, still insecure. I'm working at changing things but not very hard just now. I don't want them to see me as his "fat wife" and yes, that's probably just something in my head, it still bothers me.

So now to school work and a presentation/report on carpal tunnel syndrome. I hope I can stay awake while writing it. *laughing*

Not Much to Say

I'll bet everyone thought I'd dropped off the face of the Earth eh? Well the truth of it is, I'm being swallowed up by the homework monster. It seems like any free time I have is being spent doing homework, reading textbooks, working, or sleeping. Tuesdays and Thursdays are long days indeed.

Last week Master and I took a personal day from our respective jobs and just spent some much needed quality time together. We're definitely making more effort to do that lately and I think it has helped each of us feel less like we're alone in this. I live for the weekends and I think he does too.

I think it's going to be a while yet before we're able to resume the level of M/s that we both want. I've got to finish school first. I've finally come to a place of acceptance about it, today anyway. I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss it but I'm so close to being finished now, I can cope. We both still know who is in charge, I still defer to him, and we still have our little rituals, these things sustain us through this time.

As far as school goes I'm doing pretty well at keeping up with it and I'm not doing too badly this term thus far. I'm not struggling with the subjects, some things that didn't quite jive last term are beginning to make a lot of sense now. It helps when you have an instructor that knows her subject well.

Unfortunately, I think I'm hitting my limit with customer service work. I've about had my fill of being the verbal punching bag for multitudes of strangers who just want to yell at someone and figure that I'll do. I realize it's not personal, or it shouldn't be, but after they start making personal attacks, it becomes personal and it really gets under my skin. After a time it's just stress. I dread going to work, I hate it the whole time I'm there, and I watch the clock for quitting time. I'm not cut out for this kind of work, too sensitive I guess.

Next time you're unhappy with something, stop and think before you let loose on the customer service representative. That person doesn't make policy, that person doesn't make decisions about the way business is done and they do have set parameters they're allowed to work within, all that person does is help you with your account and answers your questions. That's it. So, next time you feel justified in reaming the CSR, keep that in mind and bite your tongue. We're people too and we don't deserve to be cursed at, verbally attacked, threatened, or to have our personal integrity called into question. We're just doing our jobs so we can make a living just like everyone else.

Busyness

Summer term started this week and wow, busy, busy, busy is the word of the day, of the week, of the next two months. I thought I'd have it easy with the online class. I thought wrong. Loads of reading, mandatory discussion board participation, reports to write, and PowerPoint presentations to create. I'll be SO happy when this term is over. I barely have time to check my regular e-mail right now, forget e-mail lists, blogging is going to be down to once a week, if that. I do need to start scheduling time for exercise, I think it'll help with the energy issue that I seem to be running into; I don't have much of it.

As busy as I was I discovered something this week. I dislike pubic hair on myself, I almost feel ugly when I haven't done my usual shaving. I made time to groom myself on Friday and since then I've felt sexier. I find it kind of ironic because just a few years ago I hated shaving my pubic hair, I itched, it was uncomfortable, felt so self-conscious about it, I thought it looked awful. Master's insistence on my being bare has given me one less thing to hide behind. It seems like every time I turn around something that I once hid behind has been taken from me and it's not the negative thing I might have once felt it to be.

So there's my bit of introspection.. it isn't earth shattering or anything like that but it is important nonetheless. I'll never be a finished product, I don't think any of us will be, but I'm looking forward to see what I am the next time I stop and look back at what I was.

Sunshiney Day

Well, okay it's not really sunshiney out, more like partly cloudy really but I'm feeling a lot more positive today. Master read my thoughts, read the e-mails I sent him where I poured my guts out, and we're making strides to reclaim our intimacy. It's been a good week so far, despite the lovely head cold I seem to have come down with.

However, this weekend will be tough, he's working the entire weekend, including Monday, and I'm going to visit the Tribe for the weekend. It'll feel strange being there without him but I really do need to get out for a bit, get away from home and get out of my usual stuck-in-a-rut routine. It's hard though, I want to be here for him, to greet him when he gets home from work, to just be with him even if all we're doing is sleeping in bed together.

My classes start up again Tuesday and I'm both excited about and dreading them. I'm as prepared as I'm going to be, the books are ordered and should be here by Wednesday at the latest. It's going to be a grueling schedule on Tuesdays and Thursdays, I will leave here by 8 a.m. and won't get home again until 8:30 p.m. I don't know how I'll cope yet, I'm going to have to figure out a way to bring lunches with me because eating in the cafeteria twice a week just doesn't seem practical. I have a lot of concerns about this term but I'm trying to take everything one day, and sometimes one moment, at a time. It'll all be worth it in the end, it has to be. It's do or die right now, either I do it and make it through these next two terms or I quit school and content myself with working customer service the rest of my life. Since I really, really, hate customer service work, quitting school isn't an option for me.

My surgeon's office isn't far from the auditorium where the college holds their commencement ceremonies. On Tuesday, while visiting the surgeon, I was in a room that had a view of that auditorium. While I waited for the surgeon to come in I stared out the window at the auditorium thinking, "Next year, we'll be there, I'll be graduating". That's what's motivating me now. Graduation, it's the prize that I'm bound and determined to win. I can't wait to walk that stage with my friends and loved ones watching and cheering me on.

Knocking on Depression's Door

It's been a difficult year and an even more difficult few months.

I found out yesterday that the lump under the incision site, or alien as I've come to call it, is normal. The doctor assures me that it will soften in time and will stop hurting. At this point all I have is his word and I have to trust that he knows what he's talking about. He didn't seem surprised by the alien nor by the pain so that's a point in favor of trusting him.

Until it does soften and finish healing I'm stuck wearing stretchy exercise type pants that don't squeeze my belly. I can't wait til I can wear "real" pants again.

I've been struggling a LOT with my slavery, with myself, with my life. I'm worn out, rubbed raw, vulnerable. I don't feel like a woman right now and I'm fighting to get that back but it's hard to do on my own. I need people to treat me like a woman, I need to feel wanted, desirable.

It feels like Master and I have lost a lot of the intimacy we once had. My working evenings has really created distance between us. Sex during the week consists mainly of me giving him an orgasm when he's not too tired to ask for it and when I don't demure because I'm feeling pissy because he doesn't want to f*ck me. Sex on the weekends is hit or miss, sometimes it's good, sometimes it's not, and sometimes it starts out good but fizzles out for one reason or another. It's no one's fault. It's what happens when two people who need to interact the way we do are forced to interact as independent entities due to circumstances. That's my theory anyway.

Instead of getting closer, leaning on each other, it feels like we've withdrawn into ourselves. Or maybe it's just me. I know I've pulled back, I haven't been telling Master everything that's been bothering me. Instead I've been trying to just cope, to gut it out. I'm almost done with school, I can do this and I'm the one that created this situation anyway so I shouldn't whine about it.

This isn't a complaint about the way he wants to have sex, it's his right and one that I've acknowledged and consented to as his slave. I'm just struggling with it, as I'm struggling with everything else.

It's just a jumble of thoughts and feelings that need to get out in print instead of meandering around in my head. I'm trying to make peace with it all, trying to reclaim what I had, what I still want.

I Owe, I owe, it's back to work I go!

Today marks two weeks exactly from surgery and I'm feeling better. Well enough to go to work. Well, I'm going back to work whether I feel up to it or not but today I feel peppier than I have been feeling. I was feeling so peppy I did a load of dishes, a couple of loads of laundry and scrubbed the shower walls. I'm definitely feeling more like my old self. Now if that lump would just go away I'd be happy. If it's still there next week I'll have something to talk to the surgeon about. Hopefully it's something that will go away and sooner rather than later.

Beginning next week Master and I are going to do a sugar/sweets detox. I'm looking forward to it and dreading it at the same time. I'm such a sugar addict that it's going to be hard to give it up. Thankfully we'll still have dessert every now and then, it'll just be low cal/low fat stuff. We've been out of control for the past few months with the sweets. With all the crap that's been going on neither of us has really put much effort into watching what we eat. It's so easy to just not care and let loose when life gets stressful. I'm going to talk to my sister about joining her on her walks a couple of times a week too. I need to get into better shape but I'm not ready to go nuts with the exercise right now. I'm still easily tired and I still get belly aches if I do too much.

I had a really nice Mother's Day, Master and the kids really did their best to make it so. He and HRS cooked breakfast for the family and he bought my very favorite Tropicana orange juice to have with breakfast. When we went shopping to get gifts for our mothers he and HRS tried to be sneaky and bought me a lovely little lemon bar scented candle that smells absolutely delicious. Then we went out to dinner, just Master, HRS, and me. It was fun, we usually do have a lot of fun together.

I'm going to miss spending time with my family. I miss being here to help Master with the cooking and getting the kids to and from wherever they need to go. I'm so glad I'm nearly finished with school. Not much longer now right?

Sometimes it just plain sucks

Sometimes being a slave isn't much fun. Especially when there's something you want to do and Master puts his foot down. It's for my own good, I know that but it's still disappointing.

There's an Asian festival tomorrow (Saturday) that I really, really, really, wanted to go to. It celebrates Asian cultures, Japanese among them, and there were displays and shows that I was really excited about seeing. But, Master is right, it'd probably be too much for me and since I'm going back to work Monday I need to take it easy so I'm able.

However; knowing that doesn't make it any easier to accept, especially when you've been either sick, sore, or recovering from something for the past month and a half and you've been cooped up at home nearly the entire time. I've got cabin fever and no way out. Sometimes I feel like I'm imprisoned here by my own body, my own health (or lack thereof) and it's driving me absolutely bonkers. It doesn't matter that my prison is comfortable and has all the amenities, a prison is still a prison.

He's not being a bad guy and he's not being mean or even arbitrary, he's following rule #1. Take care of the property. He's got a lot more sense than I have. I'd attempt to go, if it were up to me, and suffer the consequences later. And of course later I'd be cursing my stupidity.

So, I sit here and try to find things to entertain myself. Maybe he'll allow a short trip to the craft store so I can pick up a few items to work on my latest craft obsession, decorative hair sticks. That would be lovely, I haven't had the time to do craftwork for quite a while and it really fills me with a sense of peace when I'm creating something. Plus, I'd have some pretty things to put my hair up with and that's always a bonus.

Good Days

Today is one of my better days. I'm feeling a bit peppier and a bit less sore than I was yesterday. I still get worn out fairly easily, that will take time to improve I'm sure, but I'm feeling more, hrm.. energetic? I cleaned the tub today and shaved my legs before having a nice shower. I think having my legs shaved is helping my attitude believe it or not. And maybe in another week I can go back to my usual "shave everything below the neck" routine and will feel even better.

Last night Master decided to give us both a bit of pleasure and gave me my first orgasm in about a month. It took a bit of work to not think about the belly lump and I had to force myself to not even look down for fear of glancing at it and the negative feelings starting. It's really affecting my self-image quite a bit. It feels to me like a huge blinking sign on an area of my body that I already dislike.

It was nice to reconnect with Master last night. I've missed it quite a bit. I don't know why but when sex is suspended due to illness, or surgery, I tend to feel like I've lost my sexuality and once sex is resumed it's like a symbol that all is well and "normal".

I'm feeling ready to get out and DO something. But, I was being a bit overly ambitious yesterday when I suggested we go to a festival being held tomorrow. Master pointed out that it would involve a whole lot of walking and standing, both things that still take it out of me. So, no festival. But, maybe there's still something we can find to do. I just need to get back to living in short order.

Healing

I haven't had a lot to say lately. Mostly I've been sitting around quietly moldering while reading books I have checked out from the library. I'm healing, it seems to be going fairly well. I'm fine if I don't do too much. Too much includes 20 minute trips to the store right now.

I'm sore and not inclined to go for long hikes. I'm alternately sleeping a lot and not sleeping well. So goes the healing process.

I finished spring term with Bs, I'm really pleased about that. Of course my perfectionist side is saying I could have done better, but I'll take a B over a C any day.

There's not much to say about the M/s side of things right now, Master is still stressed about work and I'm not exactly in working order. I've been serving him some, as much as I'm able and sometimes a little more just because.

I'm dying for a little sexual connection, it feels like we're living in a suspended reality where everything is the same but not quite. Sudden illness and surgery will do that to a relationship. Up until yesterday morning I hadn't had any real sexual desire. Then it all began with a very strange dream. In the dream Master was cruel, treated me like a boy complete with sex in the way males have sex with each other, he used me without regard to my desires. It was the hottest "wet dream", minus the orgasm, I've had in quite a while. I don't know why but being used for his pleasure, even cruelly, pushes my buttons. When I woke up from the dream it was almost as if it had really happened, it felt as if he'd really been inside me and I was wet with arousal.

But, here back in suspended reality world, I convalesce and do my best to help him relax away from the stresses of work, share his indignation at the b.s. going on there, and try to be as useful as I can since I'm off work til next week.