Yesterday was a very emotionally trying day. The older two had been having some issues that were starting to spill over and affect everyone else. As parents, Master and I tried to sit them down and sort it out. BIG mistake.
No one can make me doubt my ability as a parent like my own daughter. I hurt a lot last night, it was the first time in quite a while that I honestly felt like cutting myself. I don't know if I'll ever get past feeling like I let her down, like I facilitated her abuse. Master doesn't like me to think this way but I can't seem to stop.
I ignored what my instincts were screaming at me. If I hadn't ignored my instincts I would have told him (the person who abused our daughter) to move out when I had my first suspicions that something wasn't right with him. But no, I ignored instincts that had kept me safe for a good part of my life.
Master says that's because no one wants to believe that someone they have known for so long and care about, could be capable of doing something like that. Logically this makes sense. It's true, I didn't want to believe what my gut was telling me but I don't think that excuses my mistake.
I kept hearing my mother-in-law's spiteful "prophecy" over and over in my head last night. "Your daughter is going to hate you."
Master wants me to believe that it's okay if she hates us, better us than herself. Still, it hurts to have her so angry with us.
I have done the best I can with the tools I have, over the years I've looked for new tools when it felt like the old ones weren't good enough. It seems like it has never been good enough.
Some good came out of yesterday, ZBoy owned his part in the troubles they'd been having and promised to back off some, and our daughter let me know that she does have an adult at school to talk to and that has made her feel better. I was able to tell her that it's good that she's got someone to talk to and that I'm glad it helps.
Master kept telling me last night that all we can do is be there for our kids and it's up to them whether or not they take what we're offering. That's really hard to accept.
I chatted a little with my sister last night and shared with her what had gone on. She said something that really shocked me; she's not an overly demonstrative person. She said that she loves and appreciates me and that I've been the best example of a mother that she's ever had.
I still feel a little raw today. Master and I were supposed to take advantage of his taking the day off and play. I don't think we will now. I'm unsure about how I'll feel if we don't. I think I need to play but I'm not sure either of our heads or hearts is in the right place for it.
Kids really should come with an instruction manual.
Friday, January 28, 2005
Wednesday, January 26, 2005
Appearance
I have a great love of Mehndi or henna tattooing. I love the way it looks and I'm even kind of partial to the scent of the henna paste and the lingering scent in the skin afterwards. One sniff reminds me of the fun I had creating the designs that adorn my flesh for such a short time.
One problem, Master really doesn't like the look of Mehndi. Yet, he gives me permission to do it if I want to.
The simple knowledge that he doesn't like it prevents me from doing it. It's simple; I want to be pleasing to him in all things. That includes my appearance. As soon as it was long enough I began again to style my hair in the way he likes, the pre-haircut style.
I don't think it's such a bad thing, to want to be pleasing. I don't think it's bad either to forego doing something that will change my appearance, even temporarily, if he won't like it.
He seems to get exasperated with me when I say I don't want to do something that I may enjoy because he doesn't like it. What did he expect when he took me on as his slave? Wanting to please and be found pleasing is an inherent part of my nature; this has only intensified since he collared me as his slave. I take it to heart if I do something that displeases him and I work to improve whatever it is.
Maybe this is a case where I need to learn to accept that sometimes it's okay to do something he may not like if he gives me permission to do so. I really do enjoy Mehndi.
One problem, Master really doesn't like the look of Mehndi. Yet, he gives me permission to do it if I want to.
The simple knowledge that he doesn't like it prevents me from doing it. It's simple; I want to be pleasing to him in all things. That includes my appearance. As soon as it was long enough I began again to style my hair in the way he likes, the pre-haircut style.
I don't think it's such a bad thing, to want to be pleasing. I don't think it's bad either to forego doing something that will change my appearance, even temporarily, if he won't like it.
He seems to get exasperated with me when I say I don't want to do something that I may enjoy because he doesn't like it. What did he expect when he took me on as his slave? Wanting to please and be found pleasing is an inherent part of my nature; this has only intensified since he collared me as his slave. I take it to heart if I do something that displeases him and I work to improve whatever it is.
Maybe this is a case where I need to learn to accept that sometimes it's okay to do something he may not like if he gives me permission to do so. I really do enjoy Mehndi.
Tuesday, January 25, 2005
Addendum
As I was showering I tried to imagine myself asking Master for some play time.
In my imagining I saw myself stumble over the words, blushing furiously, and getting frustrated with myself. This happens all too often in real life for me. I have some sort of ingrained resistance against verbalizing my innermost needs. I sit for what seems like forever trying to force myself to say the words that are bouncing around in my head. I make several false starts and then finally, the above scenario plays out. I did this as a child too, only most of the time I wouldn't even make it to stumbling over the words.
Master, I need a spanking. Or, Master, I would like to request some playtime. Doesn't seem too complicated does it? For me, somehow, it is. It's like trying to skydive without lessons. I know the basics, jump out of the plane, and pull the cord. But that's not enough to do it right and to do it safely.
As a child, silence was rewarded and I carry that lesson with me to this day. It's a hard one to unlearn. *grumbling a bit*
It's my job to communicate with my Master, and to let him know if I have a need that is going unmet. What is so wrong with just letting myself do it? Good question. One that I hope to answer before I'm old and gray.
In my imagining I saw myself stumble over the words, blushing furiously, and getting frustrated with myself. This happens all too often in real life for me. I have some sort of ingrained resistance against verbalizing my innermost needs. I sit for what seems like forever trying to force myself to say the words that are bouncing around in my head. I make several false starts and then finally, the above scenario plays out. I did this as a child too, only most of the time I wouldn't even make it to stumbling over the words.
Master, I need a spanking. Or, Master, I would like to request some playtime. Doesn't seem too complicated does it? For me, somehow, it is. It's like trying to skydive without lessons. I know the basics, jump out of the plane, and pull the cord. But that's not enough to do it right and to do it safely.
As a child, silence was rewarded and I carry that lesson with me to this day. It's a hard one to unlearn. *grumbling a bit*
It's my job to communicate with my Master, and to let him know if I have a need that is going unmet. What is so wrong with just letting myself do it? Good question. One that I hope to answer before I'm old and gray.
Monday, January 24, 2005
Wanting
Last night Master gave me a few nice spanks while we were fooling around. I found myself holding my breath, hoping for more, hoping he would build the intensity. I was a little disappointed when he didn't.
I wanted to ask for more, I always want to ask him to beat me. Instead it comes out sounding like a complaint about the lack of S&M; so, most of the time I keep silent and hope. There's another reason for not asking, I want him to want it too, and I want him to do it because he wants to see me suffer. I don't want him to do it because I want it. Twisted? Yeah, I am.
My first Dominant, Mark, gave me beatings because I enjoyed them, he didn't. I grew to hate that and quit asking for pain from him. I really dislike the idea of someone doing something just because I want it. That feels too much like having control to me. I can't submit to someone I feel like I have control over.
Probably I'm too wrapped up in my own wants and needs. That's yet another reason why I don't ask for more. Part of being a slave, to me, is suppressing your own wants in deference to another. No, it doesn't include suppressing one's needs…okay so I need to communicate to Master that I don't just want a beating, I need it.
Mostly, I just over think things and end up making myself miserable from thinking in circles. I know, logically, that if I ask for something if he decides to give it to me, it was still his decision in the end.
I wanted to ask for more, I always want to ask him to beat me. Instead it comes out sounding like a complaint about the lack of S&M; so, most of the time I keep silent and hope. There's another reason for not asking, I want him to want it too, and I want him to do it because he wants to see me suffer. I don't want him to do it because I want it. Twisted? Yeah, I am.
My first Dominant, Mark, gave me beatings because I enjoyed them, he didn't. I grew to hate that and quit asking for pain from him. I really dislike the idea of someone doing something just because I want it. That feels too much like having control to me. I can't submit to someone I feel like I have control over.
Probably I'm too wrapped up in my own wants and needs. That's yet another reason why I don't ask for more. Part of being a slave, to me, is suppressing your own wants in deference to another. No, it doesn't include suppressing one's needs…okay so I need to communicate to Master that I don't just want a beating, I need it.
Mostly, I just over think things and end up making myself miserable from thinking in circles. I know, logically, that if I ask for something if he decides to give it to me, it was still his decision in the end.
Friday, January 21, 2005
Floating
I had an amazing experience last night. I went to my first water aerobics class. It was the first time I'd stepped into a pool in many years and it felt good. As I walked through the water I was amazed, the pain in my back eased.
I kept up with the class pretty well which I was quite proud of. Afterwards though, as I got out of the water, it was hard to readjust to gravity. I felt so heavy, I wanted to get back into the water and stay there forever. I was light in the water, I could move with ease and without pain. I comforted myself with the thought that I can go back and do it twice every week for as long as I want.
I'm really proud of myself and of my Master. We've stuck with the new way of eating for two weeks now. We're both caffeine free and Master is actually sleeping at night. For the most part I don't have many hunger pangs any more, my body has adjusted. The hard part for me, is ignoring my brain that tells me I need to keep eating even though I've had plenty of food. It feels good to be in control though, and to be able to recognize that I'm not truly hungry at those times.
Master has been a great source of support and willpower when mine has been weak. The weight loss support group has been a great source of support and encouragement. It's nice to be able to be fully myself and still get the support I need.
I suppose there are some who don't quite understand why anyone would need help or support to lose weight. I think losing weight is extremely difficult, it's like any other addiction but for the fact that you cannot just quit eating and avoid food for the rest of your life. We still have to eat to live and thus we have to wrestle with the very substance we're addicted to every day.
Still, it's a battle worth fighting. I'm looking forward to being healthier and feeling better.
I kept up with the class pretty well which I was quite proud of. Afterwards though, as I got out of the water, it was hard to readjust to gravity. I felt so heavy, I wanted to get back into the water and stay there forever. I was light in the water, I could move with ease and without pain. I comforted myself with the thought that I can go back and do it twice every week for as long as I want.
I'm really proud of myself and of my Master. We've stuck with the new way of eating for two weeks now. We're both caffeine free and Master is actually sleeping at night. For the most part I don't have many hunger pangs any more, my body has adjusted. The hard part for me, is ignoring my brain that tells me I need to keep eating even though I've had plenty of food. It feels good to be in control though, and to be able to recognize that I'm not truly hungry at those times.
Master has been a great source of support and willpower when mine has been weak. The weight loss support group has been a great source of support and encouragement. It's nice to be able to be fully myself and still get the support I need.
I suppose there are some who don't quite understand why anyone would need help or support to lose weight. I think losing weight is extremely difficult, it's like any other addiction but for the fact that you cannot just quit eating and avoid food for the rest of your life. We still have to eat to live and thus we have to wrestle with the very substance we're addicted to every day.
Still, it's a battle worth fighting. I'm looking forward to being healthier and feeling better.
Wednesday, January 19, 2005
Something fun
From kaylee at Kindlings
Something different:
1. What is your favorite scene from a book or movie that evoked a sense of your slavery? Various scenes from Carrie's Story by Molly Weatherfield. Each time Carrie realizes she's internalized a bit more of her slavery reminds me of those moments in my own life.
2. What song or lyric reminds you of your dynamic?
My Lover by Melissa Etheridge:
3. What is your favorite quote?
"Pain is just the fear leaving your body"
4. What is your favorite form of service?
Domestic, I really enjoy taking care of Master's needs.
5. Do you have any phobias?
Heights, flying (sort of ties in with the heights), spiders, accidental cuts.
6. Do you want to get past your phobias, or accept them and work around your fears?
Yes and no. I accept them, but I'm not sure I can work around my fears.
7. How do you communicate when you are angry/upset?
I snap and growl at people when I'm angry, when I'm upset I sort of withdraw into myself.
8. How does your owner expect you to communicate when you are angry/upset?
He expects me to talk to him and to do it in a civil tone.
9. Do you ever feel 'pet' like?
Sometimes I do.
10. Do you prefer dogs or cats?
Ferrets, they're cute and playful like kittens all their lives and they don't grow out of it.
11. Do you prefer 'sting' or 'thud'?
Thud, definitely thud.
12. What aspect of your life is hardest to surrender control over?
My personal space, or what I imagine to be my space anyway.
13. Do you function better in a structured environment or a 'go with the flow' type of environment?
I like a little bit of both but mostly I like structure and direction.
14. When do you feel the most beautiful?
When Master is looking at me with obvious lust in his eyes.
15. When was the last time you cried?
Yesterday when I read anissa's recounting of her mother's death and her resultant feelings in her journal.
16. How many M/s dynamics have you been in?
One
17. If your current one ended, would you seek to be owned again?
Eventually, I think I would. It's an inherent need in me, to be owned.
18. Were you seeking ownership in any of your dynamics or did it occur as a natural progression?
I think I was seeking it and it did occur as a natural progression.
19. Do you make resolutions- at New Year’s or any other time of the year?
Yeah, I resolve not to make any resolutions.
20. Do you believe in 'forever'?
Yes. Some things have to be believed to be seen
Something different:
1. What is your favorite scene from a book or movie that evoked a sense of your slavery? Various scenes from Carrie's Story by Molly Weatherfield. Each time Carrie realizes she's internalized a bit more of her slavery reminds me of those moments in my own life.
2. What song or lyric reminds you of your dynamic?
My Lover by Melissa Etheridge:
My lover needs to seize
Bring me to my knees
Reads me like a
prayer
Calls the spirit there
Secretly inspires
Strips me to desire
I wonder
No one can visualize
No one can make me rise
Like my lover
They dream of paradise
They'll never ever pay the
price
My lover
3. What is your favorite quote?
"Pain is just the fear leaving your body"
4. What is your favorite form of service?
Domestic, I really enjoy taking care of Master's needs.
5. Do you have any phobias?
Heights, flying (sort of ties in with the heights), spiders, accidental cuts.
6. Do you want to get past your phobias, or accept them and work around your fears?
Yes and no. I accept them, but I'm not sure I can work around my fears.
7. How do you communicate when you are angry/upset?
I snap and growl at people when I'm angry, when I'm upset I sort of withdraw into myself.
8. How does your owner expect you to communicate when you are angry/upset?
He expects me to talk to him and to do it in a civil tone.
9. Do you ever feel 'pet' like?
Sometimes I do.
10. Do you prefer dogs or cats?
Ferrets, they're cute and playful like kittens all their lives and they don't grow out of it.
11. Do you prefer 'sting' or 'thud'?
Thud, definitely thud.
12. What aspect of your life is hardest to surrender control over?
My personal space, or what I imagine to be my space anyway.
13. Do you function better in a structured environment or a 'go with the flow' type of environment?
I like a little bit of both but mostly I like structure and direction.
14. When do you feel the most beautiful?
When Master is looking at me with obvious lust in his eyes.
15. When was the last time you cried?
Yesterday when I read anissa's recounting of her mother's death and her resultant feelings in her journal.
16. How many M/s dynamics have you been in?
One
17. If your current one ended, would you seek to be owned again?
Eventually, I think I would. It's an inherent need in me, to be owned.
18. Were you seeking ownership in any of your dynamics or did it occur as a natural progression?
I think I was seeking it and it did occur as a natural progression.
19. Do you make resolutions- at New Year’s or any other time of the year?
Yeah, I resolve not to make any resolutions.
20. Do you believe in 'forever'?
Yes. Some things have to be believed to be seen
Sunday, January 16, 2005
Random thoughts
These past couple of weeks have been difficult. I can't sit in an upright position for very long at all. If I do I get these horrendous tension headaches that turn to migraine strength and take about two days of medicating to go away. This is very frustrating when I have to spend at least two hours a day in class and then however many hours it takes to do the class work so I don't fall behind.
The last steroid injection didn't take and I go in this week to discuss the next step. I'm eager to get the next procedure, disc nuclearplasty, scheduled so that I can hopefully be "fixed" and able to function normally!
Master and I haven't done more than cuddle companionably this week because of my headaches/back pains, and his exhaustion. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I guess it sort of feels like we're living in a holding pattern, waiting for these obstacles to clear. I've been serving when I can and the best that I can. That, I think, will never change.
I'd just like the rest of the activities that we do to resume dangit. I'm craving a nice spanking, or even a caning. I want to feel his hands on my body taking possession of me, roughly kneading my flesh. *sigh*
It feels like years since Master has touched me that way. It's not any fault of his, I haven't exactly been touchable since I'm always in some sort of pain. Back problems are really frustrating, really.
Onto other news, I'm taking some very positive steps towards healing my back. I'm all signed up and outfitted to start taking water aerobics classes. I can't wait to get moving! I really believe that this is key to healing my back. Okay, I'm looking forward to sitting in the hot tub too. *grinning ear to ear*
I am trying very hard to keep a positive attitude about healing my back. I know this, attitude, is crucial to getting better.
The last steroid injection didn't take and I go in this week to discuss the next step. I'm eager to get the next procedure, disc nuclearplasty, scheduled so that I can hopefully be "fixed" and able to function normally!
Master and I haven't done more than cuddle companionably this week because of my headaches/back pains, and his exhaustion. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I guess it sort of feels like we're living in a holding pattern, waiting for these obstacles to clear. I've been serving when I can and the best that I can. That, I think, will never change.
I'd just like the rest of the activities that we do to resume dangit. I'm craving a nice spanking, or even a caning. I want to feel his hands on my body taking possession of me, roughly kneading my flesh. *sigh*
It feels like years since Master has touched me that way. It's not any fault of his, I haven't exactly been touchable since I'm always in some sort of pain. Back problems are really frustrating, really.
Onto other news, I'm taking some very positive steps towards healing my back. I'm all signed up and outfitted to start taking water aerobics classes. I can't wait to get moving! I really believe that this is key to healing my back. Okay, I'm looking forward to sitting in the hot tub too. *grinning ear to ear*
I am trying very hard to keep a positive attitude about healing my back. I know this, attitude, is crucial to getting better.
Thursday, January 13, 2005
School daze
This week has been one of adjustments; adjusting to the teaching styles of three different instructors who teach differently than my previous instructors, who taught differently than the instructors before them, and so on.
I'm adjusting to the class loads and am really trying to adjust to the ICN class. I hate the ICN class because of the ICN, not because of the instructor or course content. The ICN is this camera/computer hook-up between our campus and two other campuses. The instructor is on site at the main campus (not the one I'm at) and using cameras and microphones in the classrooms, teaches all three campuses simultaneously.
Why do I hate it? Because whenever I depress the little button on the microphone to speak or to answer a question, the little camera zooms in on me and there I am in full living color on the huge flat screen TV for all to see. I feel so very intimidated by this, I can't stand looking at myself this way, in my eyes I'm huge and being on that screen just makes it all seem worse. Right now I'm avoiding answering questions as much as possible because I don't want to be on that screen. It really sucks. I know I couldn't manage this course online so I have to take it in person.
Master reminds me that we're working on doing something about my size but in the meantime I still have to face myself every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. *bleargh!*
Until I see an unflattering picture, or in this case television image, of myself I have a pretty good self-image. Hmm, maybe I've been kidding myself all this time.
Today is day four of the diet and so far so good. I'm still sticking with it, thanks to Master. Yesterday I was rebelling against it. I didn't want to be on the diet any more I just wanted to eat like a "regular" person. I'm feeling kind of pouty because Master is talking about getting something out-to-eat for the kids. That's just not fair; I want to eat out too. *sigh* Just got to learn to deal.
Anyway, back to school, the classes are fairly standard stuff, easy peasy as long as I keep up with the work.
I'm adjusting to the class loads and am really trying to adjust to the ICN class. I hate the ICN class because of the ICN, not because of the instructor or course content. The ICN is this camera/computer hook-up between our campus and two other campuses. The instructor is on site at the main campus (not the one I'm at) and using cameras and microphones in the classrooms, teaches all three campuses simultaneously.
Why do I hate it? Because whenever I depress the little button on the microphone to speak or to answer a question, the little camera zooms in on me and there I am in full living color on the huge flat screen TV for all to see. I feel so very intimidated by this, I can't stand looking at myself this way, in my eyes I'm huge and being on that screen just makes it all seem worse. Right now I'm avoiding answering questions as much as possible because I don't want to be on that screen. It really sucks. I know I couldn't manage this course online so I have to take it in person.
Master reminds me that we're working on doing something about my size but in the meantime I still have to face myself every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. *bleargh!*
Until I see an unflattering picture, or in this case television image, of myself I have a pretty good self-image. Hmm, maybe I've been kidding myself all this time.
Today is day four of the diet and so far so good. I'm still sticking with it, thanks to Master. Yesterday I was rebelling against it. I didn't want to be on the diet any more I just wanted to eat like a "regular" person. I'm feeling kind of pouty because Master is talking about getting something out-to-eat for the kids. That's just not fair; I want to eat out too. *sigh* Just got to learn to deal.
Anyway, back to school, the classes are fairly standard stuff, easy peasy as long as I keep up with the work.
Tuesday, January 11, 2005
So far
Yesterday, the first day of the diet went just about as expected. Master and I both were hungry all day long. Even with having a few extra things my calorie count was only at 1500. Compared to the 3-5000 calories my body is used to getting, that's pretty good.
We ate healthy stuff all day long and ended the night with some fresh grapes.
I went swimsuit shopping with my sister. I expected to be frustrated and depressed but instead, I didn't mind the way I looked in the Speedo I tried on at a store that specializes in swimsuits. The straps across the back kept the girls in line and the suit didn't have much give so it held the rest of me in line. It's funny really, I felt so very naked in that dressing room wearing the swimming suit; especially when I pulled the curtain aside to show my sister.
It wasn't so bad, having her there. It was kind of nice really. She's heavy too and we can laugh together about things like "I just love the way these straps dissect the fat rolls on my back." It's good to have someone you can commiserate with and in the same turn share butt kickings to get in gear.
We shouldn't have done the trek through the new mall though, that was a biiiiig mistake. We both began paying for it last night and still are paying for it today.
I go see the pain doc next week for a follow up on the steroid shot that didn't seem to work. The next step is likely to be Disc Nuclearplasty. The procedure isn't nearly as bad as it might sound. They go in with a 17ga needle and then slip a little electrode through there and into the disc and using radio frequency, remove some of the tissue in the disc. This is supposed to decompress it and take care of the bulge that is irritating my nerve roots.
I really hope they decide to take this step and I hope it works. I've had an increase in tension headaches since my back has been bad and they're not going away as easily as they once did. Plus, I need to get moving so I can get healthier, can't move if it hurts and irritates my back. The doctor keeps suggesting avoidance therapy for my back, avoid doing the things that irritate it. Yeah, why don't I just go be a huge lump on the couch and gain more weight? Not!
Today is day 2 of our new way of eating. That sounds far better than calling it a diet. Diets are temporary and are made to be broken, this is neither. I'm not feeling as hungry as I was yesterday, so far anyway. I think I can do this. I made it through the first day and that's always the worst. If I just take it one day at a time I should be okay. With all the support we have Master and I can do this and we can be successful and we'll feel good.
I'm supposed to have class today but the roads are extremely icy so I'm staying out of the "icecapades" as my sister calls it and I'm going to nurse my tension headache.
We ate healthy stuff all day long and ended the night with some fresh grapes.
I went swimsuit shopping with my sister. I expected to be frustrated and depressed but instead, I didn't mind the way I looked in the Speedo I tried on at a store that specializes in swimsuits. The straps across the back kept the girls in line and the suit didn't have much give so it held the rest of me in line. It's funny really, I felt so very naked in that dressing room wearing the swimming suit; especially when I pulled the curtain aside to show my sister.
It wasn't so bad, having her there. It was kind of nice really. She's heavy too and we can laugh together about things like "I just love the way these straps dissect the fat rolls on my back." It's good to have someone you can commiserate with and in the same turn share butt kickings to get in gear.
We shouldn't have done the trek through the new mall though, that was a biiiiig mistake. We both began paying for it last night and still are paying for it today.
I go see the pain doc next week for a follow up on the steroid shot that didn't seem to work. The next step is likely to be Disc Nuclearplasty. The procedure isn't nearly as bad as it might sound. They go in with a 17ga needle and then slip a little electrode through there and into the disc and using radio frequency, remove some of the tissue in the disc. This is supposed to decompress it and take care of the bulge that is irritating my nerve roots.
I really hope they decide to take this step and I hope it works. I've had an increase in tension headaches since my back has been bad and they're not going away as easily as they once did. Plus, I need to get moving so I can get healthier, can't move if it hurts and irritates my back. The doctor keeps suggesting avoidance therapy for my back, avoid doing the things that irritate it. Yeah, why don't I just go be a huge lump on the couch and gain more weight? Not!
Today is day 2 of our new way of eating. That sounds far better than calling it a diet. Diets are temporary and are made to be broken, this is neither. I'm not feeling as hungry as I was yesterday, so far anyway. I think I can do this. I made it through the first day and that's always the worst. If I just take it one day at a time I should be okay. With all the support we have Master and I can do this and we can be successful and we'll feel good.
I'm supposed to have class today but the roads are extremely icy so I'm staying out of the "icecapades" as my sister calls it and I'm going to nurse my tension headache.
Saturday, January 08, 2005
Learning new tricks
Tonight Master and I went to the grocery store and picked up foods for the new diet that begins next week. We'll be finishing up the last of the caffeinated sodas this weekend and once they're gone, they're gone.
I'm going to miss my diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper. It's become my favorite soda. Maybe Master will let me have one once in a blue moon.
The plan was for me to begin walking on the treadmill every day next week but it's starting to look as if the most recent steroid injection isn't taking. So, I've gotten things in motion so I can take a water aerobics class at the Wellness Center. I'm really looking forward to it. I want to get moving and make my body stronger but I can't do it as effectively if doing so causes more pain.
I'm feeling hopeful about this whole endeavor because I've got a lot of support and best of all, Master is on board this time.
I joined an e-mail support group for submissives that are dieting called Submissives Taking It Off. I've only been on the list for a day and already I feel very comfortable and the support is plentiful, I like that.
I'm focusing on how great I'll feel once I start shedding some pounds. Each pound I lose is one less pound weighing me down and making me sick and tired.
I have this odd visualization of my mental self digging its way up and out through my physical self. My mental self doesn't match my physical self you see.
When I dream, my dream, or mental self, is still 128 pounds and healthy.
This is going to be one heck of a journey and I'm packed and ready to go.
I'm going to miss my diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper. It's become my favorite soda. Maybe Master will let me have one once in a blue moon.
The plan was for me to begin walking on the treadmill every day next week but it's starting to look as if the most recent steroid injection isn't taking. So, I've gotten things in motion so I can take a water aerobics class at the Wellness Center. I'm really looking forward to it. I want to get moving and make my body stronger but I can't do it as effectively if doing so causes more pain.
I'm feeling hopeful about this whole endeavor because I've got a lot of support and best of all, Master is on board this time.
I joined an e-mail support group for submissives that are dieting called Submissives Taking It Off. I've only been on the list for a day and already I feel very comfortable and the support is plentiful, I like that.
I'm focusing on how great I'll feel once I start shedding some pounds. Each pound I lose is one less pound weighing me down and making me sick and tired.
I have this odd visualization of my mental self digging its way up and out through my physical self. My mental self doesn't match my physical self you see.
When I dream, my dream, or mental self, is still 128 pounds and healthy.
This is going to be one heck of a journey and I'm packed and ready to go.
Friday, January 07, 2005
Slave musings
I've been reading some nice bits of S&M erotica and very much enjoying my new acquisitions. Thank you again m'Lady!
Interspersed in Carrie's Story are idealized bits about slavery; some of them quite titillating.
The one thing that I think the author has captured well is the mental and emotional changes Carrie goes through as she internalizes her slavery.
I spent an hour lying upstairs today reading Carrie's Story then I got up and returned to reality.
I picked up Master's dirty socks and put away his clean under things. His underwear was scattered in the drawer, unfolded. I thought to myself "Why does he do this?" "Is it so hard to refold them?" Then it sort of hit me, he doesn't have to, that's what I'm here for.
It was a comforting thought, I smiled and my exasperation seemed to melt away. I felt very content and still do.
One of the lines of the poem/reminder Master wrote for me is "The slave takes pleasure in pleasing her Master"
In the last few days I have really internalized that line. A couple of nights ago I began preparing Master's coffeepot for the next morning's use. I take great pleasure in this. I know it makes his morning flow a little more smoothly.
I started preparations tonight so that I can begin work tomorrow on new canes for Master to use on me. They'll sting a lot and I know I'll be silently and maybe not so silently, begging him to have mercy on me when he does use them. But, I also know that he'll really enjoy caning my flesh, probably to the AC/DC cd I put together for him; lots of excellent rhythm to cane to.
He won't stop until he's finished which usually means I'm beyond finished and I'm a quivering mass of goo. I think that's my favorite part of our S&M sessions, the end. When I'm empty of any resistance and he is my whole world. I melt into him as he cuddles me and soothes my tortured flesh. Sometimes his cock is throbbing hard and despite my utter weakness I can hardly wait to satisfy his need, and mine.
It never fails, no matter how bad the pain play might hurt my pink bits are always wet and hungry for sex. I don't often realize that I'm aroused during the session but afterwards I'm more than aware and I'll whisper shyly to Master "I'm wet." He is never surprised.
It wasn't so very long ago that I could call an end to the pain play if I'd had enough. It wasn't so long ago that I could step out of my submissive role if I got tired of being ordered around. It wasn't so long ago that I would feel irritation when Master would ask for yet another drink when I'd just gotten him one only five minutes ago. At times like that I felt as if he were intruding on my time. Today, instead of feeling put upon and irritated I feel content, cheerful even.
What's changed? I really couldn't say. Somehow, like Carrie, I've managed to internalize my slavery and it has become more than a role I play. It has become my identity.
We all have various identities, wife, mother, daughter, sister. No matter which role I'm exercising I am always Alan's slave.
Interspersed in Carrie's Story are idealized bits about slavery; some of them quite titillating.
The one thing that I think the author has captured well is the mental and emotional changes Carrie goes through as she internalizes her slavery.
I spent an hour lying upstairs today reading Carrie's Story then I got up and returned to reality.
I picked up Master's dirty socks and put away his clean under things. His underwear was scattered in the drawer, unfolded. I thought to myself "Why does he do this?" "Is it so hard to refold them?" Then it sort of hit me, he doesn't have to, that's what I'm here for.
It was a comforting thought, I smiled and my exasperation seemed to melt away. I felt very content and still do.
One of the lines of the poem/reminder Master wrote for me is "The slave takes pleasure in pleasing her Master"
In the last few days I have really internalized that line. A couple of nights ago I began preparing Master's coffeepot for the next morning's use. I take great pleasure in this. I know it makes his morning flow a little more smoothly.
I started preparations tonight so that I can begin work tomorrow on new canes for Master to use on me. They'll sting a lot and I know I'll be silently and maybe not so silently, begging him to have mercy on me when he does use them. But, I also know that he'll really enjoy caning my flesh, probably to the AC/DC cd I put together for him; lots of excellent rhythm to cane to.
He won't stop until he's finished which usually means I'm beyond finished and I'm a quivering mass of goo. I think that's my favorite part of our S&M sessions, the end. When I'm empty of any resistance and he is my whole world. I melt into him as he cuddles me and soothes my tortured flesh. Sometimes his cock is throbbing hard and despite my utter weakness I can hardly wait to satisfy his need, and mine.
It never fails, no matter how bad the pain play might hurt my pink bits are always wet and hungry for sex. I don't often realize that I'm aroused during the session but afterwards I'm more than aware and I'll whisper shyly to Master "I'm wet." He is never surprised.
It wasn't so very long ago that I could call an end to the pain play if I'd had enough. It wasn't so long ago that I could step out of my submissive role if I got tired of being ordered around. It wasn't so long ago that I would feel irritation when Master would ask for yet another drink when I'd just gotten him one only five minutes ago. At times like that I felt as if he were intruding on my time. Today, instead of feeling put upon and irritated I feel content, cheerful even.
What's changed? I really couldn't say. Somehow, like Carrie, I've managed to internalize my slavery and it has become more than a role I play. It has become my identity.
We all have various identities, wife, mother, daughter, sister. No matter which role I'm exercising I am always Alan's slave.
Thursday, January 06, 2005
A bit behind
I don't think I'm going to make my Holidailies goal and that makes me a little bit sorry. I got off to a good start but missed a day or two here and there due to being too wrung out to write.
Overall I'd say the Holidailies experience was a good one. I read journals that I'd never have found on my own and even picked up a couple of new favorites.
It also challenged me to think and to try to write more than just fluff. I think if there's a Holidailies challenge next year I'd definitely like to give it another go.
I've found that, on the days I didn't write and on the days that I couldn't write, words and ideas kept building inside me. I ended up writing a couple of novel sized e-mails to a few people to let off a bit of the pressure.
Still that wasn't enough and I finally resorted to putting a few entries down in Word and saved them for posting in my journal when I could.
I never knew journaling could become a need. I'm glad I took the challenge and I feel like I've seen it through even if I didn't meet the goal.
Overall I'd say the Holidailies experience was a good one. I read journals that I'd never have found on my own and even picked up a couple of new favorites.
It also challenged me to think and to try to write more than just fluff. I think if there's a Holidailies challenge next year I'd definitely like to give it another go.
I've found that, on the days I didn't write and on the days that I couldn't write, words and ideas kept building inside me. I ended up writing a couple of novel sized e-mails to a few people to let off a bit of the pressure.
Still that wasn't enough and I finally resorted to putting a few entries down in Word and saved them for posting in my journal when I could.
I never knew journaling could become a need. I'm glad I took the challenge and I feel like I've seen it through even if I didn't meet the goal.
Wednesday, January 05, 2005
DIEt
I’ve always held to the Garfield philosophy, diet is just DIE with a t on the end. That and I’m not fat I’m under tall. What can I say? I have a lot in common with the witty, lasagna eating feline.
However, Master has decided that this little slave girl is going to shrink. I’ll be the incredible shrinking woman and everyone will be astonished at how quickly I change. I realize that bit is a fantasy so I’ll keep it firmly tucked in the closet of my mind. I wish it worked that way, really I do. It’s better than the reality of struggling to stick to a diet when I’m craving sweets or just food in general, because I feel as if I’m starving. Not that I will be starving mind you, I’ll just feel like it because of the reduction in caloric intake. I’ll be eating “normal” portions and cutting out sugar and bad carbohydrates.
We’re going to do a diabetic diet. There are several reasons behind this, one of them being that it’s one of the healthiest diets out there and is focused on improving one’s health instead of losing weight alone. It’s also one that can be sustained in the long term. Those are both major factors for us. We both have a family history of diabetes and Master has had high blood pressure for years. The diabetes we’d like to prevent and we’re hoping that a better diet, together with the medication, will help bring his blood pressure down even farther. We’d both like to have the other around for a good long time and I don’t want to be bedridden for any of that time. IF I stayed at my present weight the chances are good that my back would deteriorate to the point that I’d end up bed ridden much of the time, just like my mother. Not a pleasant thought at all.
So, beginning next week, I’m going to use the treadmill daily. That by itself will go a long way towards improving things.
I’m trying to focus on the health benefits of all this but it’s hard to get over my old attitudes about diets and dieting. It does help that Master is doing this with me. I only hope he can stay strong enough for both of us. I’m not the only one who likes to eat and eating because you love to eat is a hard habit to break. It’s almost like trying to break an addiction.
Actually, it’s a lot like breaking an addiction only you still have to have daily contact with that addiction. You have to eat to live, there’s no way around it. I’m not trying to minimize the difficulty in breaking other addictions I’m just saying it’s easier because you can totally remove the addicting thing from your life. Not so with food.
I have to accept that I am a food addict I’m a food junkie it makes me feel good to eat. Food has been my comfort and my reward for more years than I care to think about. We’re both using support and I’m glad of that. We’ll need it.
Still, instead of being excited about the changes I’m thinking about the chocolate I can’t have and the occasional Cokes I have to give up, and the caffeine withdrawal. *groaning*
**************
Some time later
**************
I'm not feeling as negative now as I was earlier. I played with this virtual model online and saw what I could look like if I lost even just 30 pounds. It was enough to help motivate me and make me squeal with delight at the thought of all the new clothes I could fit into.
Nothing like an excellent reason to get new clothes right? In all reality what I'm really looking forward to is feeling better.
Master and I talked a bit about our health goals tonight. I think we're on the right track and we're both ready for it.
However, Master has decided that this little slave girl is going to shrink. I’ll be the incredible shrinking woman and everyone will be astonished at how quickly I change. I realize that bit is a fantasy so I’ll keep it firmly tucked in the closet of my mind. I wish it worked that way, really I do. It’s better than the reality of struggling to stick to a diet when I’m craving sweets or just food in general, because I feel as if I’m starving. Not that I will be starving mind you, I’ll just feel like it because of the reduction in caloric intake. I’ll be eating “normal” portions and cutting out sugar and bad carbohydrates.
We’re going to do a diabetic diet. There are several reasons behind this, one of them being that it’s one of the healthiest diets out there and is focused on improving one’s health instead of losing weight alone. It’s also one that can be sustained in the long term. Those are both major factors for us. We both have a family history of diabetes and Master has had high blood pressure for years. The diabetes we’d like to prevent and we’re hoping that a better diet, together with the medication, will help bring his blood pressure down even farther. We’d both like to have the other around for a good long time and I don’t want to be bedridden for any of that time. IF I stayed at my present weight the chances are good that my back would deteriorate to the point that I’d end up bed ridden much of the time, just like my mother. Not a pleasant thought at all.
So, beginning next week, I’m going to use the treadmill daily. That by itself will go a long way towards improving things.
I’m trying to focus on the health benefits of all this but it’s hard to get over my old attitudes about diets and dieting. It does help that Master is doing this with me. I only hope he can stay strong enough for both of us. I’m not the only one who likes to eat and eating because you love to eat is a hard habit to break. It’s almost like trying to break an addiction.
Actually, it’s a lot like breaking an addiction only you still have to have daily contact with that addiction. You have to eat to live, there’s no way around it. I’m not trying to minimize the difficulty in breaking other addictions I’m just saying it’s easier because you can totally remove the addicting thing from your life. Not so with food.
I have to accept that I am a food addict I’m a food junkie it makes me feel good to eat. Food has been my comfort and my reward for more years than I care to think about. We’re both using support and I’m glad of that. We’ll need it.
Still, instead of being excited about the changes I’m thinking about the chocolate I can’t have and the occasional Cokes I have to give up, and the caffeine withdrawal. *groaning*
**************
Some time later
**************
I'm not feeling as negative now as I was earlier. I played with this virtual model online and saw what I could look like if I lost even just 30 pounds. It was enough to help motivate me and make me squeal with delight at the thought of all the new clothes I could fit into.
Nothing like an excellent reason to get new clothes right? In all reality what I'm really looking forward to is feeling better.
Master and I talked a bit about our health goals tonight. I think we're on the right track and we're both ready for it.
Tuesday, January 04, 2005
Absolutes again
I’ve had quite some time to mull over absolutes, as they pertain to M/s. M’Lady gave me some food for thought.
Just because someone can do something doesn’t mean they will. A responsible owner who owns his/her property absolutely can, but won’t, kill or main said property by virtue of that ownership.
I had to stop and think about this in vanilla terms to make a bit more sense of it. Ultimately my husband could beat me abusively, he could kill me, those are choices he could make but won’t because he is an honorable, loving, and responsible mate and these things aren’t in his character. I took a long time to get to know this about him and wouldn’t have stayed with him, much less agreed to being his slave, otherwise.
Now I’m beginning to understand things a bit. M’Lady pointed out that if she suddenly said to her boy “Go get me the knife I’m going to cut off one of your fingers” his trust should be such that he would obey absolutely and go fetch the knife for her. It’s not that she would cut off his finger, that isn’t the issue, his absolute obedience is. THIS I can understand.
While I don’t think my Master and I have an absolute power exchange I certainly recognize some elements of it in our relationship.
However, there are limits my responsibility to my children comes first. I don’t have the right to give up my responsibility to them they didn’t, and can’t, consent to enslavement. I have to make sure that whatever is happening in my M/s life isn’t affecting them negatively actually it should affect them very little in my opinion. It is also my responsibility to be sure that I am able to function as a parent for them. They need my guidance but also my authority. This comes from being the sole authority figure for many years as Master worked nights and wasn’t able to be there during their waking hours.
I have responsibility to myself, to care for myself and to see to it that whatever relationship I am in is healthy. If I am in an unhealthy relationship the effects will trickle down and will affect all aspects of my life and those who are involved in my life.
These responsibilities are just as important as my responsibility to my Master. As the children get older and move out to begin their own lives, I expect that our power exchange might evolve and possibly deepen. We’ll have more time to devote to each other without worrying about the children hearing or seeing something they shouldn’t.
Do I think we’ll ever have an ape? I don’t know I’m not sure if that would work for us or if we even want something like that.
Just because someone can do something doesn’t mean they will. A responsible owner who owns his/her property absolutely can, but won’t, kill or main said property by virtue of that ownership.
I had to stop and think about this in vanilla terms to make a bit more sense of it. Ultimately my husband could beat me abusively, he could kill me, those are choices he could make but won’t because he is an honorable, loving, and responsible mate and these things aren’t in his character. I took a long time to get to know this about him and wouldn’t have stayed with him, much less agreed to being his slave, otherwise.
Now I’m beginning to understand things a bit. M’Lady pointed out that if she suddenly said to her boy “Go get me the knife I’m going to cut off one of your fingers” his trust should be such that he would obey absolutely and go fetch the knife for her. It’s not that she would cut off his finger, that isn’t the issue, his absolute obedience is. THIS I can understand.
While I don’t think my Master and I have an absolute power exchange I certainly recognize some elements of it in our relationship.
However, there are limits my responsibility to my children comes first. I don’t have the right to give up my responsibility to them they didn’t, and can’t, consent to enslavement. I have to make sure that whatever is happening in my M/s life isn’t affecting them negatively actually it should affect them very little in my opinion. It is also my responsibility to be sure that I am able to function as a parent for them. They need my guidance but also my authority. This comes from being the sole authority figure for many years as Master worked nights and wasn’t able to be there during their waking hours.
I have responsibility to myself, to care for myself and to see to it that whatever relationship I am in is healthy. If I am in an unhealthy relationship the effects will trickle down and will affect all aspects of my life and those who are involved in my life.
These responsibilities are just as important as my responsibility to my Master. As the children get older and move out to begin their own lives, I expect that our power exchange might evolve and possibly deepen. We’ll have more time to devote to each other without worrying about the children hearing or seeing something they shouldn’t.
Do I think we’ll ever have an ape? I don’t know I’m not sure if that would work for us or if we even want something like that.
Monday, January 03, 2005
Daily stuff
I saw the pain doc today. It was a good visit. I shared my concerns about the medication I'm on and had my worries laid to rest.
I also had another steroid injection. He prescribed a pain med to get me through the aftermath of the injection and it helped immensely.
If this injection doesn't take then the next step is a procedure called disc decompression. They go into the disc with a needle like they do for the steroid injection but they use radio frequency to eliminate some of the tissue in the disc to reduce the bulge.
Personally I'm hoping the injection takes. I'm a little nervous about the procedure.
I took the day off of work because I knew sitting for several hours would be excruciating. Later in the day I felt a little better and decided to go pick up my books for classes which start next week. I took Zboy along with me to do the heavy lifting. You'd be amazed at how much college textbooks, even the paperbacks, weigh.
I got myself some new glitter gel pens too. I'm addicted to them and I treat myself to a few new ones every term and I end up sharing with the kids.
I also got a Cruzer mini usb drive. AKA memory stick. It's cool and I'll finally be able to access the stuff I have on floppy disk that I haven't been able to touch since I got the new 'puter. It doesn't have a 3.5 drive but the kids' computer does. Woo-Hoo!
I also had another steroid injection. He prescribed a pain med to get me through the aftermath of the injection and it helped immensely.
If this injection doesn't take then the next step is a procedure called disc decompression. They go into the disc with a needle like they do for the steroid injection but they use radio frequency to eliminate some of the tissue in the disc to reduce the bulge.
Personally I'm hoping the injection takes. I'm a little nervous about the procedure.
I took the day off of work because I knew sitting for several hours would be excruciating. Later in the day I felt a little better and decided to go pick up my books for classes which start next week. I took Zboy along with me to do the heavy lifting. You'd be amazed at how much college textbooks, even the paperbacks, weigh.
I got myself some new glitter gel pens too. I'm addicted to them and I treat myself to a few new ones every term and I end up sharing with the kids.
I also got a Cruzer mini usb drive. AKA memory stick. It's cool and I'll finally be able to access the stuff I have on floppy disk that I haven't been able to touch since I got the new 'puter. It doesn't have a 3.5 drive but the kids' computer does. Woo-Hoo!
Sunday, January 02, 2005
Lazy Sunday
Today was a lazy day; Master let me sleep in until I was woken by the smell of breakfast cooking.
Master was cooking breakfast for everyone in the house. It all started with the most delicious smelling bacon that had my mouth watering all the way down the stairs.
I was happily surprised to find that he was making breakfast and even more surprised when he served me breakfast as I lounged on the couch. I felt so pampered and spoilt. He really is a wonderful man.
The kids enjoyed having a hot breakkie too. I have to say it was an excellent start to a pretty good day.
Master and I spent the rest of the day book shopping for me, then snow boot shopping for HRS, and finally a trip to Lowe's for Master.
M'Lady gave Master and me wonderful "HoHo" gifts this year, I got a gift card to Barnes and Noble and Master was given a gift card to Lowes.
I'm pleased to say that I ended up with four very delectable books that I'm taking my time with. In no particular order I got Bite, a vampire anthology with Laurell K. Hamilton and four other excellent authors; Wormwood, a fantasy story whose author I can't recall; Carrie's Story, S&M erotica by Molly Weatherfield; and finally The Story of O which I've been dying to read for quite some time now. M'Lady knows my appetite for books only too well. I've made my way through her entire vampire collection in record time.
Master bought some nice work gloves for himself at Lowe's and then bought a couple of nice dowels for me to turn into canes for him. One is a nice solid oak, and the other is springy pine. I can't wait to get them started and finished. Much as I profess to hate canes, in a perverse way I love them. Master loves his canes too. I think when I'm finished with the new ones he'll have enough to do an entire scene with nothing but canes. Mmmmm that would be delicious wouldn't it?
Master was cooking breakfast for everyone in the house. It all started with the most delicious smelling bacon that had my mouth watering all the way down the stairs.
I was happily surprised to find that he was making breakfast and even more surprised when he served me breakfast as I lounged on the couch. I felt so pampered and spoilt. He really is a wonderful man.
The kids enjoyed having a hot breakkie too. I have to say it was an excellent start to a pretty good day.
Master and I spent the rest of the day book shopping for me, then snow boot shopping for HRS, and finally a trip to Lowe's for Master.
M'Lady gave Master and me wonderful "HoHo" gifts this year, I got a gift card to Barnes and Noble and Master was given a gift card to Lowes.
I'm pleased to say that I ended up with four very delectable books that I'm taking my time with. In no particular order I got Bite, a vampire anthology with Laurell K. Hamilton and four other excellent authors; Wormwood, a fantasy story whose author I can't recall; Carrie's Story, S&M erotica by Molly Weatherfield; and finally The Story of O which I've been dying to read for quite some time now. M'Lady knows my appetite for books only too well. I've made my way through her entire vampire collection in record time.
Master bought some nice work gloves for himself at Lowe's and then bought a couple of nice dowels for me to turn into canes for him. One is a nice solid oak, and the other is springy pine. I can't wait to get them started and finished. Much as I profess to hate canes, in a perverse way I love them. Master loves his canes too. I think when I'm finished with the new ones he'll have enough to do an entire scene with nothing but canes. Mmmmm that would be delicious wouldn't it?
Saturday, January 01, 2005
Happy New Year!!
Happy New Year to one and all. Today marks about the 10 month point in my first year as Master's slave.
I can't believe nearly an entire year has passed since he collared me.
I feel like I've grown some in my slavery but I know I've got a long way yet to go. I doubt I'll ever be finished and that's dandy with me. I'm enjoying the journey.
We spent New Year's Eve with m'Lady and her boy, and Master J and his girl. We had a lovely three course dinner of excellent Italian fare.
There was much laughter and good conversation. It had been too long since we'd seen each other. Master, I, m'Lady, and her boy spent the night.
In the morning we all woke to the scent of fresh coffee and homemade cinnamon rolls. It made me nostalgic for a period in my childhood. We'd go spend holidays with my godmother and her family; mornings were always heralded by the scent of fresh coffee and sometimes hot breakfast.
I remember spending one morning sitting on the deck with a cup of something watching the sun come up over the lake behind my godmother's house. It was such a perfectly peaceful moment. The morning air was a bit chill but it was worth it to see that sight.
That sense of peace and perfection has stayed with me my whole life.
We left there around 11:30 and made it home only to find freezing rain had mucked up the roads. Later on in the day the roads cleared up a bit and Master and I got out to do a bit of grocery shopping.
The only major disappointment so far was the fact that Master didn't play with me as he'd suggested he might on Friday night. I was all revved up and ready to go but he was too pooped to spank.
By morning though, my disappointment had calmed down and I was able to make the rest of the day a good one.
Even finding out that Little Miss Rain cloud didn't make it home from her boyfriend's place the night before didn't darken the day for long. However, a chastity device might be in order for that girl.
I can't believe nearly an entire year has passed since he collared me.
I feel like I've grown some in my slavery but I know I've got a long way yet to go. I doubt I'll ever be finished and that's dandy with me. I'm enjoying the journey.
We spent New Year's Eve with m'Lady and her boy, and Master J and his girl. We had a lovely three course dinner of excellent Italian fare.
There was much laughter and good conversation. It had been too long since we'd seen each other. Master, I, m'Lady, and her boy spent the night.
In the morning we all woke to the scent of fresh coffee and homemade cinnamon rolls. It made me nostalgic for a period in my childhood. We'd go spend holidays with my godmother and her family; mornings were always heralded by the scent of fresh coffee and sometimes hot breakfast.
I remember spending one morning sitting on the deck with a cup of something watching the sun come up over the lake behind my godmother's house. It was such a perfectly peaceful moment. The morning air was a bit chill but it was worth it to see that sight.
That sense of peace and perfection has stayed with me my whole life.
We left there around 11:30 and made it home only to find freezing rain had mucked up the roads. Later on in the day the roads cleared up a bit and Master and I got out to do a bit of grocery shopping.
The only major disappointment so far was the fact that Master didn't play with me as he'd suggested he might on Friday night. I was all revved up and ready to go but he was too pooped to spank.
By morning though, my disappointment had calmed down and I was able to make the rest of the day a good one.
Even finding out that Little Miss Rain cloud didn't make it home from her boyfriend's place the night before didn't darken the day for long. However, a chastity device might be in order for that girl.
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