Last night Master gave me a few nice spanks while we were fooling around. I found myself holding my breath, hoping for more, hoping he would build the intensity. I was a little disappointed when he didn't.
I wanted to ask for more, I always want to ask him to beat me. Instead it comes out sounding like a complaint about the lack of S&M; so, most of the time I keep silent and hope. There's another reason for not asking, I want him to want it too, and I want him to do it because he wants to see me suffer. I don't want him to do it because I want it. Twisted? Yeah, I am.
My first Dominant, Mark, gave me beatings because I enjoyed them, he didn't. I grew to hate that and quit asking for pain from him. I really dislike the idea of someone doing something just because I want it. That feels too much like having control to me. I can't submit to someone I feel like I have control over.
Probably I'm too wrapped up in my own wants and needs. That's yet another reason why I don't ask for more. Part of being a slave, to me, is suppressing your own wants in deference to another. No, it doesn't include suppressing one's needs…okay so I need to communicate to Master that I don't just want a beating, I need it.
Mostly, I just over think things and end up making myself miserable from thinking in circles. I know, logically, that if I ask for something if he decides to give it to me, it was still his decision in the end.
