Yesterday was a very emotionally trying day. The older two had been having some issues that were starting to spill over and affect everyone else. As parents, Master and I tried to sit them down and sort it out. BIG mistake.
No one can make me doubt my ability as a parent like my own daughter. I hurt a lot last night, it was the first time in quite a while that I honestly felt like cutting myself. I don't know if I'll ever get past feeling like I let her down, like I facilitated her abuse. Master doesn't like me to think this way but I can't seem to stop.
I ignored what my instincts were screaming at me. If I hadn't ignored my instincts I would have told him (the person who abused our daughter) to move out when I had my first suspicions that something wasn't right with him. But no, I ignored instincts that had kept me safe for a good part of my life.
Master says that's because no one wants to believe that someone they have known for so long and care about, could be capable of doing something like that. Logically this makes sense. It's true, I didn't want to believe what my gut was telling me but I don't think that excuses my mistake.
I kept hearing my mother-in-law's spiteful "prophecy" over and over in my head last night. "Your daughter is going to hate you."
Master wants me to believe that it's okay if she hates us, better us than herself. Still, it hurts to have her so angry with us.
I have done the best I can with the tools I have, over the years I've looked for new tools when it felt like the old ones weren't good enough. It seems like it has never been good enough.
Some good came out of yesterday, ZBoy owned his part in the troubles they'd been having and promised to back off some, and our daughter let me know that she does have an adult at school to talk to and that has made her feel better. I was able to tell her that it's good that she's got someone to talk to and that I'm glad it helps.
Master kept telling me last night that all we can do is be there for our kids and it's up to them whether or not they take what we're offering. That's really hard to accept.
I chatted a little with my sister last night and shared with her what had gone on. She said something that really shocked me; she's not an overly demonstrative person. She said that she loves and appreciates me and that I've been the best example of a mother that she's ever had.
I still feel a little raw today. Master and I were supposed to take advantage of his taking the day off and play. I don't think we will now. I'm unsure about how I'll feel if we don't. I think I need to play but I'm not sure either of our heads or hearts is in the right place for it.
Kids really should come with an instruction manual.
