I'm playing hooky from work today. I've had a tension headache for three days and my back hasn't been feeling too good. So, last night Master told me he thought it would be a good idea if I stayed home today and I did.
I feel a bit better this morning, there's still a ghost of the tension headache and my back aches a bit but all in all, the pains are improved. However, I feel guilty for not going to work despite the pain. I feel like the day's pay that I've missed is going to be missed and I feel like I'm letting my employer down. The project I've been working on is a hot ticket and needs to get done ASAP.
I feel guilty for taking care of myself.
I think that's what upsets me most about the absolutism discussion on the LE list. I could and would disregard my health and well-being for another as I've done in the past. In the past I didn't value myself as a human being and now it just feels natural to put others before myself. It feels wrong to do otherwise.
I'm concerned that people on the 's' side of the equation might be like I was and care nothing for themselves. I'm concerned that they'll get into an absolute M/s situation with someone who doesn't value their life either and that they will end up abused or worse.
I will concede the point that it is an M/s relationship, but I don't believe it's a healthy one. Being unhealthy doesn't negate it as an M/s relationship. Just like an abusive marriage doesn't negate its marriage status.
I'm lucky in the fact that my Master values me as a person and is concerned about my health and well-being. In the wrong hands, my guilt over putting myself before others, even when I'm ill, could be disastrous.
Someone on the LE list offered a different perspective on absolute M/s. The owner expects absolute obedience but also expects that the slave will take care of the owners possessions, which includes the slave.
Put in this light I am starting to get my head around the idea of responsible absolute M/s. I can even see some of it in Master's and my relationship. Master expects my absolute obedience if I am unwell or if a certain position hurts my back I am supposed to inform him and he will decide if I am too unwell to serve. In the case of my back he will forego the position that hurts because he doesn't want to further damage my back and he doesn't like to see me in that kind of pain. I can't just decide that I don't feel good and thus, not serve. But, if I'm lying in bed, delirious with fever he won't punish me because I am physically unable to serve. I think I can say with a certain amount of surety that this goes for being mentally unable to serve too.
{Being mentally unable to serve means that I'm in the grips of past or present mental trauma or that I'm having a serious panic/anxiety attack}
I still can't, or perhaps won't, understand the concept that it's somehow OK to maim or kill one's slave just because one can. This comes back to the whole irresponsibility issue for me.
Ultimately, I guess my Master could break my bones, remove my limbs, or maim me in some other way, or even kill me if he wanted to because I am his property. But, he won't because he is a responsible owner. I wouldn't have begged to be his slave if he weren't.
Wednesday, December 29, 2004
Monday, December 27, 2004
Absolutism in M/s
This topic has come up more than once on the LE list and each time it gets my hackles up. Yet, I remain silent. Why? Because others usually say what I'm thinking and it seems silly to "me too". One can only read the same thing over and over again before they begin to feel as if they're being bludgeoned with opinions.
So, I've saved my opinions for my journal.
I see absolute M/s relationships as a sort of ideal, something folks dream about or aspire to but never quite reach. I can't seem to get my head around how absolute M/s works with real life. Comments were made on the list to the effect that a slave's well-being comes second to the Master's wishes and that the Master may do whatever he/she wishes to do to the slave. Apparently this includes physical injury, mental harm, and even death.
I just can't understand how this absolutist view of M/s works with day to day life. What if the slave falls ill and is delirious with fever and simply cannot move and serve as expected? Surely the owner wouldn't punish this as a failure to serve? Yet, the way I understand the absolutist view, that would be the case.
Honestly, reading what the absolutists have to say, it sounds like they're saying it's OK to damage one's property simply because it's their right to do so. I violently disagree with this viewpoint, it seems very irresponsible to me.
I realize that there are those for whom this is appealing, for me, this is just plain scary. Granted, I have had moments of such total surrender that I would willingly give my life if that would please him. However, I think that type of surrender is possible because I trust that he won't take my life. He has demonstrated by word, and by deed, that he takes his responsibility very seriously.
I believe that when you take on responsibility for another life, be it human or animal, that responsibility includes caring for the health and well-being of that life. It does not include inflicting harm and the responsibility doesn't end when you've grown tired of it.
Obviously this is a subject I feel very strongly about. I just can't abide irresponsible ownership. Sometimes I get concerned that we'll all get painted with the absolutist brush. For instance, I wouldn't want my mother or my sister to get the idea that my Master would treat me irresponsibly just because we identify as M/s.
I think of D/s and M/s as a relationship or a partnership. It doesn't always include love but it does include responsibility for both parties. It is a power exchange, sometimes the power ebbs and flows depending on what day to day life is throwing at you.
Perhaps there is a responsible and ethical way to practice absolute M/s, I just haven't seen one presented yet.
So, I've saved my opinions for my journal.
I see absolute M/s relationships as a sort of ideal, something folks dream about or aspire to but never quite reach. I can't seem to get my head around how absolute M/s works with real life. Comments were made on the list to the effect that a slave's well-being comes second to the Master's wishes and that the Master may do whatever he/she wishes to do to the slave. Apparently this includes physical injury, mental harm, and even death.
I just can't understand how this absolutist view of M/s works with day to day life. What if the slave falls ill and is delirious with fever and simply cannot move and serve as expected? Surely the owner wouldn't punish this as a failure to serve? Yet, the way I understand the absolutist view, that would be the case.
Honestly, reading what the absolutists have to say, it sounds like they're saying it's OK to damage one's property simply because it's their right to do so. I violently disagree with this viewpoint, it seems very irresponsible to me.
I realize that there are those for whom this is appealing, for me, this is just plain scary. Granted, I have had moments of such total surrender that I would willingly give my life if that would please him. However, I think that type of surrender is possible because I trust that he won't take my life. He has demonstrated by word, and by deed, that he takes his responsibility very seriously.
I believe that when you take on responsibility for another life, be it human or animal, that responsibility includes caring for the health and well-being of that life. It does not include inflicting harm and the responsibility doesn't end when you've grown tired of it.
Obviously this is a subject I feel very strongly about. I just can't abide irresponsible ownership. Sometimes I get concerned that we'll all get painted with the absolutist brush. For instance, I wouldn't want my mother or my sister to get the idea that my Master would treat me irresponsibly just because we identify as M/s.
I think of D/s and M/s as a relationship or a partnership. It doesn't always include love but it does include responsibility for both parties. It is a power exchange, sometimes the power ebbs and flows depending on what day to day life is throwing at you.
Perhaps there is a responsible and ethical way to practice absolute M/s, I just haven't seen one presented yet.
Sunday, December 26, 2004
Service
As the days passed and we got closer and closer to Saturday, to Christmas day, my focus became more and more narrow. Service became second nature; it flowed out of me as from an upended pitcher.
I've never felt more centered, or more right as I have for these last few days. Saturday I kicked into slave autopilot, I cleaned and prepared the house for our guests. I began cooking then, my focus was preparing a delicious meal for everyone. At one point during the cooking my mother wanted some almond bark pretzels, I was in the middle of cooking but told her "Just a second and I'll get you some." I quickly finished what I was doing and got a saucer and served her some of the pretzels. Then I got her something to drink. Seeing that she was satisfied I went back to work. It went like this for the rest of the evening, me cooking and taking a moment to get something for someone. I felt in my element, seeing to our guests' comfort.
During a lull in the activity Master wrapped his arm around me and told me I was doing a good job. It felt good to hear those words. There were a few wrinkles but I didn't let them ruin the day for me and neither did anyone else.
The cooking of the meal was a group effort, everyone helped out and together we made it great. The food tasted excellent but it was made even better by the company we shared it with.
Despite my worries and concerns, my mother behaved herself and even seemed happy to be here. The children all got along well until the very end when Little Miss Rain cloud (our oldest daughter) came back from a trip out with Master to drop of Zboy at his girlfriend's house to find that HRS (Her Royal Shortness) had the cousins in their bedroom playing and that one cousin had gotten into her things. Nothing was said until everyone had gone home and then LMR let loose with a torrent of anger at us and at HRS. I'm happy to say that with some space and a good night's sleep, LMR seems to have gotten over it and has made peace with HRS.
I'm still feeling very centered tonight. I feel as if I've further internalized my slavery. It feels more natural.
Saturday morning I was worried about serving Master in front of my family, but when it came down to it, I didn't hesitate and no one batted an eyelash. I could have chickened out; Master offered me an out by offering to fix his own plate. But I didn't want that, I wanted to serve my Master as I always do. I'm proud of being owned by him and I take a lot of pleasure in being able to serve him.
I've never felt more centered, or more right as I have for these last few days. Saturday I kicked into slave autopilot, I cleaned and prepared the house for our guests. I began cooking then, my focus was preparing a delicious meal for everyone. At one point during the cooking my mother wanted some almond bark pretzels, I was in the middle of cooking but told her "Just a second and I'll get you some." I quickly finished what I was doing and got a saucer and served her some of the pretzels. Then I got her something to drink. Seeing that she was satisfied I went back to work. It went like this for the rest of the evening, me cooking and taking a moment to get something for someone. I felt in my element, seeing to our guests' comfort.
During a lull in the activity Master wrapped his arm around me and told me I was doing a good job. It felt good to hear those words. There were a few wrinkles but I didn't let them ruin the day for me and neither did anyone else.
The cooking of the meal was a group effort, everyone helped out and together we made it great. The food tasted excellent but it was made even better by the company we shared it with.
Despite my worries and concerns, my mother behaved herself and even seemed happy to be here. The children all got along well until the very end when Little Miss Rain cloud (our oldest daughter) came back from a trip out with Master to drop of Zboy at his girlfriend's house to find that HRS (Her Royal Shortness) had the cousins in their bedroom playing and that one cousin had gotten into her things. Nothing was said until everyone had gone home and then LMR let loose with a torrent of anger at us and at HRS. I'm happy to say that with some space and a good night's sleep, LMR seems to have gotten over it and has made peace with HRS.
I'm still feeling very centered tonight. I feel as if I've further internalized my slavery. It feels more natural.
Saturday morning I was worried about serving Master in front of my family, but when it came down to it, I didn't hesitate and no one batted an eyelash. I could have chickened out; Master offered me an out by offering to fix his own plate. But I didn't want that, I wanted to serve my Master as I always do. I'm proud of being owned by him and I take a lot of pleasure in being able to serve him.
Friday, December 24, 2004
Sharing my blessings
"Unless we make Christmas an occasion to share our blessings, all the snow in Alaska won't make it 'white'."
-- Bing Crosby, singer
Isn't that the truth? Sharing our blessings is one of the reasons we get together with friends and family during this time of the year. But instead of counting and sharing our blessings we're grousing and focusing on that one horrible cousin that no one wants to sit next to because he doesn't cover his face when he coughs or sneezes, right onto your plate.
Or, in my case, focusing on a mentally ill mother and the misery she attempts to cause. I don't see her that often any more, I don't even speak to her much on the phone. We live in the same city yet we don't see each other. At least once a year we can count on seeing each other.
I want this year's get together to be a special treat, her first visit to our new home, and the first holiday that she doesn't have to worry about cleaning up after. She won't have people messing about in her kitchen, moving things and putting them back in the wrong spot. No, this year she'll have no worries other than an attempt to relax with seven grandchildren, on sugar highs, bouncing off the walls.
I've been thinking a lot about the holidays this week. I'm excited about seeing family and spending time with them. I'm excited about the shared laughter and even the shared frustrations when the kids drive us all up the wall.
It's the shared experiences I'm looking forward to, and the new memories that I plan to capture in pixels.
I know Master will likely spend most of the day upstairs, the crowd will get on his nerves. But despite that he's been gracious in allowing me to host this year's celebration. He did the bulk of the grocery shopping for Saturday's meal and went with me tonight to get the last few things we need. I'm a very lucky girl to belong to a Master such as he.
So, what blessings am I sharing with everyone? Family, despite our ups and downs we're pretty good as families go. Laughter, we know how to laugh and we know that laughter is the best medicine. Love, I have the good fortune of loving and being loved in return. Good food, we're fortunate to be able to afford the food we're going to cook and eat.
I wouldn't miss this for the world, even the pain and heartache I felt last month when the finances were so dire. Quoting the song that inspired the name for this journal...
"Yes my life is better left to chance, I could have missed the pain but I'd of had to miss the dance"--Garth Brooks The Dance--
-- Bing Crosby, singer
Isn't that the truth? Sharing our blessings is one of the reasons we get together with friends and family during this time of the year. But instead of counting and sharing our blessings we're grousing and focusing on that one horrible cousin that no one wants to sit next to because he doesn't cover his face when he coughs or sneezes, right onto your plate.
Or, in my case, focusing on a mentally ill mother and the misery she attempts to cause. I don't see her that often any more, I don't even speak to her much on the phone. We live in the same city yet we don't see each other. At least once a year we can count on seeing each other.
I want this year's get together to be a special treat, her first visit to our new home, and the first holiday that she doesn't have to worry about cleaning up after. She won't have people messing about in her kitchen, moving things and putting them back in the wrong spot. No, this year she'll have no worries other than an attempt to relax with seven grandchildren, on sugar highs, bouncing off the walls.
I've been thinking a lot about the holidays this week. I'm excited about seeing family and spending time with them. I'm excited about the shared laughter and even the shared frustrations when the kids drive us all up the wall.
It's the shared experiences I'm looking forward to, and the new memories that I plan to capture in pixels.
I know Master will likely spend most of the day upstairs, the crowd will get on his nerves. But despite that he's been gracious in allowing me to host this year's celebration. He did the bulk of the grocery shopping for Saturday's meal and went with me tonight to get the last few things we need. I'm a very lucky girl to belong to a Master such as he.
So, what blessings am I sharing with everyone? Family, despite our ups and downs we're pretty good as families go. Laughter, we know how to laugh and we know that laughter is the best medicine. Love, I have the good fortune of loving and being loved in return. Good food, we're fortunate to be able to afford the food we're going to cook and eat.
I wouldn't miss this for the world, even the pain and heartache I felt last month when the finances were so dire. Quoting the song that inspired the name for this journal...
"Yes my life is better left to chance, I could have missed the pain but I'd of had to miss the dance"--Garth Brooks The Dance--
Wednesday, December 22, 2004
Company doesn't like misery
I wish I had something witty to write but the truth is I'm just too tired to think of anything.
Master is working some really awful hours this week and I'm a bit wrung out from working. Somehow I'm going to manage to make some almond bark covered pretzels and almond bark candy before the weekend. I'm actually looking forward to it. There's something satisfying about cooking for others. The kids don't know it yet but I'm going to rope them into helping me make sugar cookie cut-outs.
It's almost Christmas and we finally got some snow. Just a little bit, and it's just right. I want it to stick around until Saturday and then Sunday it can go somewhere else. That would suit me just fine. Of course we know that Mother Nature will do as She pleases regardless of my little feelings on the issue.
I'm really looking forward to having family here this weekend. Well, everyone but my mother. I'm actually hoping she'll cancel on us. The last few times that we've spoken on the phone it's clear that her mood is just getting worse; she always nuts out around the holidays. I just wish she'd get a grip on herself. I can't remember a single holiday that she didn't pout, have a fit, go nutters, or in some other way, try to bring everyone down.
Still, I'm bound and determined to have a good holiday. I'm hoping that Mom will just cancel like she usually does. I hate the thought of her spending the holidays alone but better that than her upsetting the kids. I love my mother but the kids come first.
My holiday memories are happy ones for the most part, but through it all was my mother with her sulking and complaining. Now that my sister and I are grown her "tantrums" have gotten worse, one year she refused to come out of her room while we cooked dinner and almost didn't join us when it was served. I realize the woman is miserable but company doesn't like misery.
Even though I may whine sometimes about my little miseries I do realize that life is what I make of it and 99% of the time I'm happy and thankful for each day. My mother, she just doesn't get it yet and I wish she would.
Master is working some really awful hours this week and I'm a bit wrung out from working. Somehow I'm going to manage to make some almond bark covered pretzels and almond bark candy before the weekend. I'm actually looking forward to it. There's something satisfying about cooking for others. The kids don't know it yet but I'm going to rope them into helping me make sugar cookie cut-outs.
It's almost Christmas and we finally got some snow. Just a little bit, and it's just right. I want it to stick around until Saturday and then Sunday it can go somewhere else. That would suit me just fine. Of course we know that Mother Nature will do as She pleases regardless of my little feelings on the issue.
I'm really looking forward to having family here this weekend. Well, everyone but my mother. I'm actually hoping she'll cancel on us. The last few times that we've spoken on the phone it's clear that her mood is just getting worse; she always nuts out around the holidays. I just wish she'd get a grip on herself. I can't remember a single holiday that she didn't pout, have a fit, go nutters, or in some other way, try to bring everyone down.
Still, I'm bound and determined to have a good holiday. I'm hoping that Mom will just cancel like she usually does. I hate the thought of her spending the holidays alone but better that than her upsetting the kids. I love my mother but the kids come first.
My holiday memories are happy ones for the most part, but through it all was my mother with her sulking and complaining. Now that my sister and I are grown her "tantrums" have gotten worse, one year she refused to come out of her room while we cooked dinner and almost didn't join us when it was served. I realize the woman is miserable but company doesn't like misery.
Even though I may whine sometimes about my little miseries I do realize that life is what I make of it and 99% of the time I'm happy and thankful for each day. My mother, she just doesn't get it yet and I wish she would.
Monday, December 20, 2004
Getting to know me
Something I haven't done here yet is a bio entry. It just never seemed important but as time has gone on and I've read more blogs, I realize, it's nice to know a little bit of background about the person whose inner thoughts you're reading.
So, without further ado and without any more gilding of the lily (gods I love that phrase!) here's all you never wanted to know about me and then some.
We'll start with stats and build from there:
Age: 33
Gender: Female
Birthdate: 8-7-71 (Yes I'm a Leo but not so's you'd notice)
Location: Iowa (there's more than cows and corn here, really)
Marital status: Married to my high school sweetheart.
Parental status: Mother to three very challenging and interesting personalities.
Interests and hobbies include: reading sci-fi and fantasy, watching movies, watching Anime, tormenting the kids, etching designs on glass and or airbrushing designs on glass with a bake-on enamel (no, it's not done freehand, I make stencils for it), making S&M toys for Master to use on me, writing fiction and non-fiction when the muse decides to pay a call, reading up on various forms of service to improve my own, participating in online and in person BDSM groups, leading a submissive's forum, listening to music and singing along with it (Hey, I took voice lessons I don't sound that bad). There's probably a ton of other stuff I haven't even thought to mention but that should give you something to go on.
I'm the eldest of two daughters; my sister is one of my favorite people though she probably doesn't know it. We both survived emotional and sexual abuse as kids and we both hold our mother responsible for it. Though I daresay I've gotten closer to forgiveness than my sister has.
Somehow, from a dysfunctional childhood, teenagehood, and early adulthood, I've managed, with the help of my Master, to piece together a good life.
Around six years ago I found the world of BDSM and found my niche as a submissive first and then as a slave. They're things I'd craved for a long time but couldn't admit to, not even to myself. It wasn't safe to give up control to a man, even the one I loved. Lots of tears and healing helped me feel safe enough to explore my submissive nature.
I've been described as being elemental and I think that's pretty accurate.
I belong to Alan, my Master and my love, and I am shared with my Lady Jaedyn. We're very close with my Lady Jaedyn and her boy and another M/s couple, the six of us make up what I call the Tribe. We're like family, the six of us.
Once upon a time I was collared to my first Dominant, Mark. Over time we developed a strong bond and we still stay in touch and spend time together when our schedules permit. I don't often write about Mark, I only see him about every 2-6 months now though we talk on the phone every few days.
My life has been a rocky road with lots of bumps, bruises, and a few cool scars to show for it. I'm not one to take the easy road, which would be too easy. I don't expect things will change.
So, that's me in a nutshell. I hope it wasn't too boring.
So, without further ado and without any more gilding of the lily (gods I love that phrase!) here's all you never wanted to know about me and then some.
We'll start with stats and build from there:
Age: 33
Gender: Female
Birthdate: 8-7-71 (Yes I'm a Leo but not so's you'd notice)
Location: Iowa (there's more than cows and corn here, really)
Marital status: Married to my high school sweetheart.
Parental status: Mother to three very challenging and interesting personalities.
Interests and hobbies include: reading sci-fi and fantasy, watching movies, watching Anime, tormenting the kids, etching designs on glass and or airbrushing designs on glass with a bake-on enamel (no, it's not done freehand, I make stencils for it), making S&M toys for Master to use on me, writing fiction and non-fiction when the muse decides to pay a call, reading up on various forms of service to improve my own, participating in online and in person BDSM groups, leading a submissive's forum, listening to music and singing along with it (Hey, I took voice lessons I don't sound that bad). There's probably a ton of other stuff I haven't even thought to mention but that should give you something to go on.
I'm the eldest of two daughters; my sister is one of my favorite people though she probably doesn't know it. We both survived emotional and sexual abuse as kids and we both hold our mother responsible for it. Though I daresay I've gotten closer to forgiveness than my sister has.
Somehow, from a dysfunctional childhood, teenagehood, and early adulthood, I've managed, with the help of my Master, to piece together a good life.
Around six years ago I found the world of BDSM and found my niche as a submissive first and then as a slave. They're things I'd craved for a long time but couldn't admit to, not even to myself. It wasn't safe to give up control to a man, even the one I loved. Lots of tears and healing helped me feel safe enough to explore my submissive nature.
I've been described as being elemental and I think that's pretty accurate.
I belong to Alan, my Master and my love, and I am shared with my Lady Jaedyn. We're very close with my Lady Jaedyn and her boy and another M/s couple, the six of us make up what I call the Tribe. We're like family, the six of us.
Once upon a time I was collared to my first Dominant, Mark. Over time we developed a strong bond and we still stay in touch and spend time together when our schedules permit. I don't often write about Mark, I only see him about every 2-6 months now though we talk on the phone every few days.
My life has been a rocky road with lots of bumps, bruises, and a few cool scars to show for it. I'm not one to take the easy road, which would be too easy. I don't expect things will change.
So, that's me in a nutshell. I hope it wasn't too boring.
Sunday, December 19, 2004
Service=doormat?
A fellow slave's journal entry prompted this stream of consciousness, I decided to journal about it so maybe I could stop thinking about it when I should be sleeping.
The entry listed things that I consider to be part and parcel of consensual slavery. But she looked at these things as making one a doormat. I had to stop and think, does slave behavior make me appear to be a doormat to others? Does giving up so much control to my Master make me appear to be a doormat? If so, then it's no wonder that so many folks have a hard time with acceptance from families and the Leather community in general.
I backed up a bit and I remembered how the idea of slavery squicked me beyond reason. I was never going to be one of those people; I wasn't going to give that kind of control to another person. I thought of slaves as doormats, taking whatever was dished out without making a peep of dissent.
The thing, with the articles we read online, is they're one dimensional. They don't talk about day to day life. A lot of the informational sites I've visited over the years focus only on the technical aspects of M/s, totally skipping the human factor.
Reading some of these things I can see how it might seem that, to be a good slave, one must become an automaton. However, it isn't true in my experience.
My Master loves and cherishes me as I do him. We tease and joke, that hasn't changed. The collar doesn't change who we are as people. Of course he's made some arbitrary decisions and he will continue to do so, that's his right. But he does let me voice my opinion and he often takes my opinion into consideration. We don't have a lot of rituals; actually I'm not sure we have any. His main expectations for my behavior are that I treat him with respect, that I obey, and that I serve him happily. Who wants an unhappy slave?
He doesn't expect that I'm going to like every decision he makes but he's not going to ask anything of me that will harm me. He takes good care of his property and that care extends to mental as well as physical health.
I think of these lists of slave behavior as goals. Most of us aren't going to achieve everything on these lists perfectly every day. I certainly don't but I continue to try.
The entry listed things that I consider to be part and parcel of consensual slavery. But she looked at these things as making one a doormat. I had to stop and think, does slave behavior make me appear to be a doormat to others? Does giving up so much control to my Master make me appear to be a doormat? If so, then it's no wonder that so many folks have a hard time with acceptance from families and the Leather community in general.
I backed up a bit and I remembered how the idea of slavery squicked me beyond reason. I was never going to be one of those people; I wasn't going to give that kind of control to another person. I thought of slaves as doormats, taking whatever was dished out without making a peep of dissent.
The thing, with the articles we read online, is they're one dimensional. They don't talk about day to day life. A lot of the informational sites I've visited over the years focus only on the technical aspects of M/s, totally skipping the human factor.
Reading some of these things I can see how it might seem that, to be a good slave, one must become an automaton. However, it isn't true in my experience.
My Master loves and cherishes me as I do him. We tease and joke, that hasn't changed. The collar doesn't change who we are as people. Of course he's made some arbitrary decisions and he will continue to do so, that's his right. But he does let me voice my opinion and he often takes my opinion into consideration. We don't have a lot of rituals; actually I'm not sure we have any. His main expectations for my behavior are that I treat him with respect, that I obey, and that I serve him happily. Who wants an unhappy slave?
He doesn't expect that I'm going to like every decision he makes but he's not going to ask anything of me that will harm me. He takes good care of his property and that care extends to mental as well as physical health.
I think of these lists of slave behavior as goals. Most of us aren't going to achieve everything on these lists perfectly every day. I certainly don't but I continue to try.
Saturday, December 18, 2004
Shopping spree
In the past 24 hours we have managed to begin and complete the Christmas shopping for seven children; our three and my sister's four. That's a lot of shopping for you who may not know.
For the most part the shopping was pleasant. Most of the shoppers we encountered were pleasant and polite except for the rude wench at Target who decided she was going to squeeze through the aisle with me and my cart on one side and a lady who was standing on the other side. She didn't fit without scraping her cart past mine. Did she bother smiling at me, saying 'excuse me' or 'I'm sorry'? Heck no, not a word did she mutter, mumble, or utter as she forced her way through. It wasn't as if she couldn't have, she had plenty of time to do so. Master and I were both just appalled at the lack of manners. I said, loudly enough for her to have heard "I just can't believe the lack of manners in some people." Perhaps I should have confronted her as she was muscling her way past. Given the woman's apparent age, I gave it up as a lost cause. If you don't have good manners by that age, you never will.
At our last stop, the huge new mall, I eyed the kid's play area thinking of how good kids have it these days. The only cool things kids had to play on in my day were escalators! Oh, and the animal play land at Richman Gordman. Stores would do well to have play lands for weary parents to take cranky children for a few moments of full out playing madness. Kids are much easier to shop with when they've had a moment to blow off some steam. Maybe that would work for the frazzled adult shoppers too, send them to play for a few minutes and they'll be a little nicer, a little more mannerly, and definitely less aggressive.
I'm looking forward to next weekend. I can't wait to see the happy grins as the kids unwrap their gifts. I really enjoy their enjoyment. It all starts with the covert inspections of the gifts as they lie under the tree. The older two joke about letting the ferrets run loose "Oops, look Sprite opened this present!" They throw guesses at us hoping they'll trip us up and we'll give something away. Then it culminates on Christmas morning as they open their gifts, their eyes light up, a slow grin spreads across their faces and squeals of delight gush out of their mouths. Yeah, that's happiness right there.
After we'd just bought a gift for the youngest, a gift that will end up being *the* gift in her eyes, I told Master we were going to get the Parents of the Year award for that gift. I chuckled then and said "No, it's not really about that, about scoring points... she's really going to love this and I can't wait to see how happy she will be." It's that simple.
During the course of our shopping Master and I came upon a beautiful nightie and robe set that would look so very sexy on me. It was fun watching him it was obvious he was picturing me wearing the nightie it was also obvious that he was enjoying what he was imagining. He's so cute when he does that. But don't tell him I said so, he always blushes when I comment about his cuteness.
For the most part the shopping was pleasant. Most of the shoppers we encountered were pleasant and polite except for the rude wench at Target who decided she was going to squeeze through the aisle with me and my cart on one side and a lady who was standing on the other side. She didn't fit without scraping her cart past mine. Did she bother smiling at me, saying 'excuse me' or 'I'm sorry'? Heck no, not a word did she mutter, mumble, or utter as she forced her way through. It wasn't as if she couldn't have, she had plenty of time to do so. Master and I were both just appalled at the lack of manners. I said, loudly enough for her to have heard "I just can't believe the lack of manners in some people." Perhaps I should have confronted her as she was muscling her way past. Given the woman's apparent age, I gave it up as a lost cause. If you don't have good manners by that age, you never will.
At our last stop, the huge new mall, I eyed the kid's play area thinking of how good kids have it these days. The only cool things kids had to play on in my day were escalators! Oh, and the animal play land at Richman Gordman. Stores would do well to have play lands for weary parents to take cranky children for a few moments of full out playing madness. Kids are much easier to shop with when they've had a moment to blow off some steam. Maybe that would work for the frazzled adult shoppers too, send them to play for a few minutes and they'll be a little nicer, a little more mannerly, and definitely less aggressive.
I'm looking forward to next weekend. I can't wait to see the happy grins as the kids unwrap their gifts. I really enjoy their enjoyment. It all starts with the covert inspections of the gifts as they lie under the tree. The older two joke about letting the ferrets run loose "Oops, look Sprite opened this present!" They throw guesses at us hoping they'll trip us up and we'll give something away. Then it culminates on Christmas morning as they open their gifts, their eyes light up, a slow grin spreads across their faces and squeals of delight gush out of their mouths. Yeah, that's happiness right there.
After we'd just bought a gift for the youngest, a gift that will end up being *the* gift in her eyes, I told Master we were going to get the Parents of the Year award for that gift. I chuckled then and said "No, it's not really about that, about scoring points... she's really going to love this and I can't wait to see how happy she will be." It's that simple.
During the course of our shopping Master and I came upon a beautiful nightie and robe set that would look so very sexy on me. It was fun watching him it was obvious he was picturing me wearing the nightie it was also obvious that he was enjoying what he was imagining. He's so cute when he does that. But don't tell him I said so, he always blushes when I comment about his cuteness.
Thursday, December 16, 2004
Whee!
Today has been a day. That's the best way to describe it. I went back to work today and spent the first six hours doing nothing; absolutely nothing. They weren't ready for me so while they spent the day trying to get ready they sat me with the preppers so they'd have me on hand when/if they were ready.
In between the short conversations with the prep girls, I fought sleep. I'd be sitting there one minute and then jerking awake the next. I'm just thankful I didn't drool or snore. That would have been embarrassing, wouldn't it? Not that nodding off wasn't embarrassing.
By two o'clock they were FINALLY ready for me and I got to go sit in the indexing room all by myself and scan documents on the computer for quality control; more nodding off. I wondered, as I sat there, if they'd noticed if I took a nap. I had it all planned out, I'd sit upright and keep my hands on the keyboard and close my eyes. It was so tempting. Maybe I should try it tomorrow.
I am so happy to be home now and to have my shoes off. I really dislike having to wear shoes all day. Two things I'd like to see introduced into the workplace, scheduled naptimes and a no shoe policy. Except for the people with stinky feet, they'll have to keep their shoes on or wear numerous car deodorizers tied around their ankles. We live in an unfair world, what can I say?
In between the short conversations with the prep girls, I fought sleep. I'd be sitting there one minute and then jerking awake the next. I'm just thankful I didn't drool or snore. That would have been embarrassing, wouldn't it? Not that nodding off wasn't embarrassing.
By two o'clock they were FINALLY ready for me and I got to go sit in the indexing room all by myself and scan documents on the computer for quality control; more nodding off. I wondered, as I sat there, if they'd noticed if I took a nap. I had it all planned out, I'd sit upright and keep my hands on the keyboard and close my eyes. It was so tempting. Maybe I should try it tomorrow.
I am so happy to be home now and to have my shoes off. I really dislike having to wear shoes all day. Two things I'd like to see introduced into the workplace, scheduled naptimes and a no shoe policy. Except for the people with stinky feet, they'll have to keep their shoes on or wear numerous car deodorizers tied around their ankles. We live in an unfair world, what can I say?
Wednesday, December 15, 2004
Humility
Why has it been such a big deal to give the serviced I pledged almost a year ago?
I'd lost my focus, that's why. I was focusing on myself, my wants, my needs, me. I can be such a git sometimes.
I wrote to Master then we talked some, rather, he talked and I agreed with all he said. I haven't been holding up my end of our arrangement and I've made it seem like an imposition when he makes requests. I'm ashamed of my behavior and I'd like to make amends.
He mentioned possibly curtailing my computer time, or not allowing me to play computer games. Before our discussion I would have balked, even if only internally. Instead I felt pliant and open to him. He's right to take away privileges if that's his desire. He's still thinking about the course of action he wants to take. In a strange way, I hope he does take some of my privileges. It's not necessarily because I feel that I need to be punished, I need to feel his control of me and to be able to give myself up to it. I don't even know if that makes much sense to anyone but me.
Being a slave with kids in the home, day to day stresses, and a Master working monster over time isn't easy. I don't always feel very much like a slave at times like these.
I'd like to yell to the cosmos "Why?! Why must I always struggle?!" The answer would surely be a wry chuckle, a knowing chuckle, I know the answer and the cosmos knows I know.
I'd lost my focus, that's why. I was focusing on myself, my wants, my needs, me. I can be such a git sometimes.
I wrote to Master then we talked some, rather, he talked and I agreed with all he said. I haven't been holding up my end of our arrangement and I've made it seem like an imposition when he makes requests. I'm ashamed of my behavior and I'd like to make amends.
He mentioned possibly curtailing my computer time, or not allowing me to play computer games. Before our discussion I would have balked, even if only internally. Instead I felt pliant and open to him. He's right to take away privileges if that's his desire. He's still thinking about the course of action he wants to take. In a strange way, I hope he does take some of my privileges. It's not necessarily because I feel that I need to be punished, I need to feel his control of me and to be able to give myself up to it. I don't even know if that makes much sense to anyone but me.
Being a slave with kids in the home, day to day stresses, and a Master working monster over time isn't easy. I don't always feel very much like a slave at times like these.
I'd like to yell to the cosmos "Why?! Why must I always struggle?!" The answer would surely be a wry chuckle, a knowing chuckle, I know the answer and the cosmos knows I know.
Tuesday, December 14, 2004
Uncomfortably numb
The left half of my butt is numb as I sit here typing in the midnight silence. It's an odd feeling, having half of your butt go numb. I must say though it's not nearly as disconcerting has having half of your pink bits go numb; just one whole side, from mid-clit over...vertically not horizontally. What a rare treat that is.
I just got a whiff of the air and I realize it's time for the weasels' cage to be cleaned. Eww! They aren't very smelly unless the cage is let go too long or their baths are neglected. Ver and Sprite are our resident weasels, ferrets really but who's keeping track? They're as rambunctious as two-year-olds and just as apt to get into anything and everything and just as quickly too. Master says they stink, even when they and their cage is clean. I think he's imagining things, he doesn't like animals much.
Life seems to be plodding along rather sedately and that's suiting me just fine. The M/s has been somewhat understated, with my back and Master working as much OT as he can get, it's been difficult. As a result I've had a harder time minding my attitude. I actually snapped at Master last night, I don't know who took over my body but I swear it wasn't me. The same thing happened tonight. It was petty really.
Master had gone upstairs to watch television because he was letting me watch a program downstairs that he didn't much care for. I was thinking "Cool!" Then he yells down about the bedding, I'd washed it but hadn't gotten it upstairs onto the bed yet. He wanted me to have the short one bring it up to him so he could put it on the bed. For some odd reason, a wild hair or something, I took offense. I felt put out, here I was in the middle of this program I'd waited a month to see and he was letting me watch it and then he decides he needs the bedding?
I felt like he was needling me for not having the fresh bedding on the bed by saying he'd do it himself and in the same moment I was offended that he'd have to put the bedding on our bed when it was my job. (told ya it was petty)
I ended up, in a huff, bringing the bedding up to him and he took it, in a huff, to the bedroom and put it on the bed. I left well-enough alone, no sense in poking an angry bear when you're the thing that angered it in the first place.
He came downstairs later and I went to him in the kitchen and snuggled him and shared some nice soft kisses with him. It's a rarity for me to do that... I'm just not good with physical displays of affection. Have I mentioned the personal space issues? Stand within two feet of me and you've violated my personal bubble. It leaves me feeling decidedly uncomfortable. I've trained myself to be comfortable with frequent touches and hand holding. Yes, I know how bad it sounds that I have had to train myself to be comfortable with being touched by my husband and Master. I'm human and a screwed up one at that.
I realized, in the kitchen during the nice soft kisses, that I liked the nice soft kisses and I promptly asked for more and was rewarded with more. In general kisses bother me, my first introduction to adult kisses was a bad one. More was expected and taken without my consent and all done through the asking for a kiss. Ack! It's really a pain in the butt trying to overcome an aversion like this and not hurt your partner at the same time. "No Sir, it's not you, it's me." I worry that I've left him starved for affection and feeling less Masterly because of it.
I have these automatic fight or flight responses that turn into refusals. I'm a slave, right? No refusals allowed. Often I wish he'd just take what he wants, crashing through and tossing aside any of my weak refusals. I think though, if he has to take it from me, it isn't worth having for him. So, he allows me my refusals and I'm guessing, feeling less Masterly because of it. And I'm feeling less slave-like because of the allowance. Vicious cycle, yes?
How to fix it without causing more trauma? Just thinking about having something as simple as a kiss taken because he wants it makes me feel panicky inside. I'm starting to feel like a 50 foot perimeter might not be enough space for my personal bubble.
So, how does this tie in with all the snapping and feeling put upon? Personal space in the way of use of time. The time I'm allowed to watch a TV program becomes "my time" in my head and then is included in my personal bubble. Yeah, I'm warped, we know this. But that's how my brain works. It's not Master's time because he gave it to me, right? Faulty logic I know. It's never my time.
I don't know how this one will sort itself out; I hope Master has some good ideas.
I just got a whiff of the air and I realize it's time for the weasels' cage to be cleaned. Eww! They aren't very smelly unless the cage is let go too long or their baths are neglected. Ver and Sprite are our resident weasels, ferrets really but who's keeping track? They're as rambunctious as two-year-olds and just as apt to get into anything and everything and just as quickly too. Master says they stink, even when they and their cage is clean. I think he's imagining things, he doesn't like animals much.
Life seems to be plodding along rather sedately and that's suiting me just fine. The M/s has been somewhat understated, with my back and Master working as much OT as he can get, it's been difficult. As a result I've had a harder time minding my attitude. I actually snapped at Master last night, I don't know who took over my body but I swear it wasn't me. The same thing happened tonight. It was petty really.
Master had gone upstairs to watch television because he was letting me watch a program downstairs that he didn't much care for. I was thinking "Cool!" Then he yells down about the bedding, I'd washed it but hadn't gotten it upstairs onto the bed yet. He wanted me to have the short one bring it up to him so he could put it on the bed. For some odd reason, a wild hair or something, I took offense. I felt put out, here I was in the middle of this program I'd waited a month to see and he was letting me watch it and then he decides he needs the bedding?
I felt like he was needling me for not having the fresh bedding on the bed by saying he'd do it himself and in the same moment I was offended that he'd have to put the bedding on our bed when it was my job. (told ya it was petty)
I ended up, in a huff, bringing the bedding up to him and he took it, in a huff, to the bedroom and put it on the bed. I left well-enough alone, no sense in poking an angry bear when you're the thing that angered it in the first place.
He came downstairs later and I went to him in the kitchen and snuggled him and shared some nice soft kisses with him. It's a rarity for me to do that... I'm just not good with physical displays of affection. Have I mentioned the personal space issues? Stand within two feet of me and you've violated my personal bubble. It leaves me feeling decidedly uncomfortable. I've trained myself to be comfortable with frequent touches and hand holding. Yes, I know how bad it sounds that I have had to train myself to be comfortable with being touched by my husband and Master. I'm human and a screwed up one at that.
I realized, in the kitchen during the nice soft kisses, that I liked the nice soft kisses and I promptly asked for more and was rewarded with more. In general kisses bother me, my first introduction to adult kisses was a bad one. More was expected and taken without my consent and all done through the asking for a kiss. Ack! It's really a pain in the butt trying to overcome an aversion like this and not hurt your partner at the same time. "No Sir, it's not you, it's me." I worry that I've left him starved for affection and feeling less Masterly because of it.
I have these automatic fight or flight responses that turn into refusals. I'm a slave, right? No refusals allowed. Often I wish he'd just take what he wants, crashing through and tossing aside any of my weak refusals. I think though, if he has to take it from me, it isn't worth having for him. So, he allows me my refusals and I'm guessing, feeling less Masterly because of it. And I'm feeling less slave-like because of the allowance. Vicious cycle, yes?
How to fix it without causing more trauma? Just thinking about having something as simple as a kiss taken because he wants it makes me feel panicky inside. I'm starting to feel like a 50 foot perimeter might not be enough space for my personal bubble.
So, how does this tie in with all the snapping and feeling put upon? Personal space in the way of use of time. The time I'm allowed to watch a TV program becomes "my time" in my head and then is included in my personal bubble. Yeah, I'm warped, we know this. But that's how my brain works. It's not Master's time because he gave it to me, right? Faulty logic I know. It's never my time.
I don't know how this one will sort itself out; I hope Master has some good ideas.
Monday, December 13, 2004
Motherly love
Once again our oldest daughter has caught me off guard. Today it was with her girlish excitement and genuine affection for her boyfriend. She called from school to ask permission to spend time with him after school. Her excitement at the prospect was a palpable thing as she begged, "It's the first time he can do anything in like three weeks! Please! Please!" the 'pleases' were squeaked out. How could I say no to that? In truth, I have nothing pressing for her to do at home so I said yes with a clear conscience.
The sound of her voice brought a well of motherly love and adoration bubbling to the surface and I couldn't help chuckling a little. She's so endearing when she's open like this. Of course she can be equally difficult to like when she's in a mood. Can't we all?
I have such hopes for her, for all of them really. But she is the one I'm most worried about right now. She's got an amazing talent for drawing but no desire or motivation to nurture it or turn it into a career. I wish I had half her talent, she's truly amazing. Both Master and myself lavish praise on her about the quality of her work and then point out that she could have a really great career with a talent like that. I'm mindful that too much of that will grate on the nerves so I'm careful not to harp on the subject and I let it drop when she says "Eh" in response.
Today my heart is bursting over with happiness; I've been infected by her excitement.
We really have some amazing kids and I feel privileged to be their mother.
The sound of her voice brought a well of motherly love and adoration bubbling to the surface and I couldn't help chuckling a little. She's so endearing when she's open like this. Of course she can be equally difficult to like when she's in a mood. Can't we all?
I have such hopes for her, for all of them really. But she is the one I'm most worried about right now. She's got an amazing talent for drawing but no desire or motivation to nurture it or turn it into a career. I wish I had half her talent, she's truly amazing. Both Master and myself lavish praise on her about the quality of her work and then point out that she could have a really great career with a talent like that. I'm mindful that too much of that will grate on the nerves so I'm careful not to harp on the subject and I let it drop when she says "Eh" in response.
Today my heart is bursting over with happiness; I've been infected by her excitement.
We really have some amazing kids and I feel privileged to be their mother.
Sunday, December 12, 2004
Motivation
"People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing . . . that's why we recommend it daily."
- Zig Ziglar, speaker and author
Questions to Ponder
Do I try to motivate myself?
I try to motivate myself in the beginning of any venture but end up running out of steam when things get difficult.
What can I do everyday to stay motivated?
Leave myself little reminders in key places like an inspirational note on the fridge or on a posty stuck to my monitor.
Make a list and make it part of my routine to do at least one thing on the list every day.
Enlist the help of one or two good friends to act as external motivation and support when my internal motivation is failing.
What else could I accomplish if I stayed motivated?
What couldn't I accomplish if I stayed motivated? I think that's the better question. If I can stay motivated the sky is the limit.
- Zig Ziglar, speaker and author
Questions to Ponder
Do I try to motivate myself?
I try to motivate myself in the beginning of any venture but end up running out of steam when things get difficult.
What can I do everyday to stay motivated?
Leave myself little reminders in key places like an inspirational note on the fridge or on a posty stuck to my monitor.
Make a list and make it part of my routine to do at least one thing on the list every day.
Enlist the help of one or two good friends to act as external motivation and support when my internal motivation is failing.
What else could I accomplish if I stayed motivated?
What couldn't I accomplish if I stayed motivated? I think that's the better question. If I can stay motivated the sky is the limit.
Saturday, December 11, 2004
Human relations
Today was an exercise in restraint if nothing else. It was also a lesson in human interaction.
I had the displeasure of being thoroughly insulted, indirectly, as the result of a direct insult to my Lady. My immediate reaction was one of seething anger that was barely contained. My heart raced as I crafted a response in defense of my Lady's honor. I wanted desperately to verbally flay this knave in a way that was both eloquent and clever.
My first draft was little more than name calling, I was too angry and my emotions were in control. So I waited, and vented some of my anger as I chatted about the incident with my Lady. My second response was much nicer, more concise yet still quite stinging. Of course, my Lady's final response put mine to shame. Hers was the path of the moral high ground, refusing to respond to the knave in a public forum even though she was publicly attacked. Now we all know why I admire and adore her so. *grins*
My emotions have settled and I'm thinking rationally again and I've been mulling the situation over, and over, and over some more. I'm not over thinking it I swear!
However, I have to consider my participation in the entire situation. I know my Master was right when he pointed out that by getting angry with the knave (I really like that word!) I was giving him a certain control. Had I been thinking rationally I would have come to that conclusion myself.
It's kind of interesting to see how quickly and easily civility can be tossed aside when discussions turn to personal attacks. Maybe Master is right we, as a species, aren't so evolved that our civility can always win out over our animal instincts. I still maintain, however, that we are evolved enough that we can make a conscious choice to override the animal instincts no matter how powerful they are. It just takes a great degree of willpower.
I'm still indignant over the entire affair but I won't offer to meet him outside to settle things. In fact, I probably won't give him the time of day online or off from this point on.
I had the displeasure of being thoroughly insulted, indirectly, as the result of a direct insult to my Lady. My immediate reaction was one of seething anger that was barely contained. My heart raced as I crafted a response in defense of my Lady's honor. I wanted desperately to verbally flay this knave in a way that was both eloquent and clever.
My first draft was little more than name calling, I was too angry and my emotions were in control. So I waited, and vented some of my anger as I chatted about the incident with my Lady. My second response was much nicer, more concise yet still quite stinging. Of course, my Lady's final response put mine to shame. Hers was the path of the moral high ground, refusing to respond to the knave in a public forum even though she was publicly attacked. Now we all know why I admire and adore her so. *grins*
My emotions have settled and I'm thinking rationally again and I've been mulling the situation over, and over, and over some more. I'm not over thinking it I swear!
However, I have to consider my participation in the entire situation. I know my Master was right when he pointed out that by getting angry with the knave (I really like that word!) I was giving him a certain control. Had I been thinking rationally I would have come to that conclusion myself.
It's kind of interesting to see how quickly and easily civility can be tossed aside when discussions turn to personal attacks. Maybe Master is right we, as a species, aren't so evolved that our civility can always win out over our animal instincts. I still maintain, however, that we are evolved enough that we can make a conscious choice to override the animal instincts no matter how powerful they are. It just takes a great degree of willpower.
I'm still indignant over the entire affair but I won't offer to meet him outside to settle things. In fact, I probably won't give him the time of day online or off from this point on.
Friday, December 10, 2004
Success! I think.
Today I had a visit with a pain management doc. At first I thought I was going to really dislike this person, I had an appointment at 12:15, arrived by noon because I knew I'd have paperwork to fill out. I didn't get in to see him until around 1:30.
I wasn't the only person with an excessive wait so I stayed calm and congenial. No sense in getting nasty when there's nothing to be done about it.
Finally I got back to see the doc, I spent a bit of time with the nurse first and then the doc breezed in. It was obvious that he was frazzled from working at a frantic pace. But he took time to listen to me and explained a few things to me, making sure I understood. He's definitely a take charge kind of guy, I can respect that. *grinning cheekily*
I had come prepared with a list of all the meds that have been tried and the physical therapy done. I think it pleased the doctor to have an organized patient, I swear I detected a note of delight in his voice when he asked if he could keep my list.
He explained that I'd be having a cortisone injection in the area that's giving me fits. Okay so far, teensy bit of anxiety over a needle in my spine, but okay. He also said he'd arrange for me to have a home e-stim unit, something of a modified TENS unit. I'm all for that, e-stim has been one of the only things to give me any sort of relief from the pain. He also explained that he'd be prescribing an anti-arthritic/anti-inflammatory medication for me to try. By the time Nurse Two came in to have me sign paperwork for the injection I was in a state of bemusement. To date, I had never had a doctor be so decisive about dealing with my back pain, nor so willing to help and not just throw pills at me as he told me to go away.
Nurse One came back in to lead me to the room where they were to do the actual procedure. I get into the room, check it out and listen as she explains the procedure. Once my belongings are settled, Nurse One (I really should learn her name) led me to the table and had me lie down on my belly. All the while she's explaining what will occur and what I can expect to feel. I thought I was calm and collected but as the automatic blood pressure cuff calculated my blood pressure it was very obvious that I was anxious. I went from 104/82 in the exam room to 140/92 in the procedure room. I began to do some deep breathing in hopes of relaxing myself. I don't really know if it worked because there were a couple of times during the procedure that Nurse One reminded me to relax and breathe slowly.
The actual procedure wasn't too horrible as these things go, I'd take an injection in my back over say, a gall bladder attack. No, I didn't mean to rhyme, really.
There was lots of pressure and odd sensations until he slipped the needle into the spot that my pain resides and comes from. I knew in that moment exactly where the pain was coming from. As he injected the medicine I wanted to crawl off the table and put an end to the odd and painful sensations. But, being the good girl I am, I held perfectly still and taking deep breaths.
Then BAM! It was over. Actually there was no BAM! He'd removed the needle and I had no idea he'd done it. Nurse One washed the Betadine off of my back, foul stuff that it is, and helped me cover my exposed bum and climb off the table. I stood next to the table holding onto it, I'm not quite sure what I expected to happen but I was prepared for anything. I'm happy to say I was disappointed, nothing happened. I fastened my jeans, put my shirt on and gathered my things with nothing more exciting than an odd "full and achy" sensation in my back.
A half hour later the story took a dramatic turn. The pain that Nurse One warned me about struck fiercely. Forty-five minutes later, I wasn't sure if I could continue the drive home. As I drove I made a mental note to be sure to head right home after the next injection, if there is a next injection.
Now, several hours post injection, the pain is down to manageable levels and I have real hope that I'll feel even better tomorrow, and even better than that by Sunday.
Within a week I'm supposed to return to doing the back exercises I learned in PT. I actually feel hopeful that this time things will work and I'll have some control over the pain.
I wasn't the only person with an excessive wait so I stayed calm and congenial. No sense in getting nasty when there's nothing to be done about it.
Finally I got back to see the doc, I spent a bit of time with the nurse first and then the doc breezed in. It was obvious that he was frazzled from working at a frantic pace. But he took time to listen to me and explained a few things to me, making sure I understood. He's definitely a take charge kind of guy, I can respect that. *grinning cheekily*
I had come prepared with a list of all the meds that have been tried and the physical therapy done. I think it pleased the doctor to have an organized patient, I swear I detected a note of delight in his voice when he asked if he could keep my list.
He explained that I'd be having a cortisone injection in the area that's giving me fits. Okay so far, teensy bit of anxiety over a needle in my spine, but okay. He also said he'd arrange for me to have a home e-stim unit, something of a modified TENS unit. I'm all for that, e-stim has been one of the only things to give me any sort of relief from the pain. He also explained that he'd be prescribing an anti-arthritic/anti-inflammatory medication for me to try. By the time Nurse Two came in to have me sign paperwork for the injection I was in a state of bemusement. To date, I had never had a doctor be so decisive about dealing with my back pain, nor so willing to help and not just throw pills at me as he told me to go away.
Nurse One came back in to lead me to the room where they were to do the actual procedure. I get into the room, check it out and listen as she explains the procedure. Once my belongings are settled, Nurse One (I really should learn her name) led me to the table and had me lie down on my belly. All the while she's explaining what will occur and what I can expect to feel. I thought I was calm and collected but as the automatic blood pressure cuff calculated my blood pressure it was very obvious that I was anxious. I went from 104/82 in the exam room to 140/92 in the procedure room. I began to do some deep breathing in hopes of relaxing myself. I don't really know if it worked because there were a couple of times during the procedure that Nurse One reminded me to relax and breathe slowly.
The actual procedure wasn't too horrible as these things go, I'd take an injection in my back over say, a gall bladder attack. No, I didn't mean to rhyme, really.
There was lots of pressure and odd sensations until he slipped the needle into the spot that my pain resides and comes from. I knew in that moment exactly where the pain was coming from. As he injected the medicine I wanted to crawl off the table and put an end to the odd and painful sensations. But, being the good girl I am, I held perfectly still and taking deep breaths.
Then BAM! It was over. Actually there was no BAM! He'd removed the needle and I had no idea he'd done it. Nurse One washed the Betadine off of my back, foul stuff that it is, and helped me cover my exposed bum and climb off the table. I stood next to the table holding onto it, I'm not quite sure what I expected to happen but I was prepared for anything. I'm happy to say I was disappointed, nothing happened. I fastened my jeans, put my shirt on and gathered my things with nothing more exciting than an odd "full and achy" sensation in my back.
A half hour later the story took a dramatic turn. The pain that Nurse One warned me about struck fiercely. Forty-five minutes later, I wasn't sure if I could continue the drive home. As I drove I made a mental note to be sure to head right home after the next injection, if there is a next injection.
Now, several hours post injection, the pain is down to manageable levels and I have real hope that I'll feel even better tomorrow, and even better than that by Sunday.
Within a week I'm supposed to return to doing the back exercises I learned in PT. I actually feel hopeful that this time things will work and I'll have some control over the pain.
Thursday, December 09, 2004
On a lighter note
After the gloom and doom I decided to do something fun for today's post. The journal prompt question comes from Kindlings
3. When was the last time you had a mind shattering orgasm?
It's funny, in the past few months I've become less orgasm oriented than I once was. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy orgasms when I'm allowed to have them. It's just that I don't focus so much on my pleasure any more. I'm more concerned with Master's pleasure and if he decides that I can have an O, that's a bonus!
So, the last time I had a mind shattering orgasm... it was a couple of days ago, actually the night I had my meltdown. I wasn't sure I was going to be able to have one, considering the mood I was in.
Master started by having me lie down and he began stroking me and pulling my labia and then he reached for the Pocket Rocket. I felt a little apprehensive, it isn't easy for me to orgasm and it's even more difficult for someone else to bring me to orgasm. But, I tried to relax and enjoy the sensations as he rested the PR against my clit. It began to feel pretty good and I couldn't help but wiggle and moan. He then slid a couple of fingers inside and started hitting my Woo-Hoo spots. It felt wonderful and my hips started thrusting of their own volition. Eventually I had to take over the PR and it wasn't long before I felt the first tingle of impending orgasm.
It roared through me like a bolt of lightning and left me limp and drowsy afterwards. It was all I could do to smile my thanks to Master. All the stress and tension I'd been feeling was gone and in its place was a nice peaceful calm.
3. When was the last time you had a mind shattering orgasm?
It's funny, in the past few months I've become less orgasm oriented than I once was. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy orgasms when I'm allowed to have them. It's just that I don't focus so much on my pleasure any more. I'm more concerned with Master's pleasure and if he decides that I can have an O, that's a bonus!
So, the last time I had a mind shattering orgasm... it was a couple of days ago, actually the night I had my meltdown. I wasn't sure I was going to be able to have one, considering the mood I was in.
Master started by having me lie down and he began stroking me and pulling my labia and then he reached for the Pocket Rocket. I felt a little apprehensive, it isn't easy for me to orgasm and it's even more difficult for someone else to bring me to orgasm. But, I tried to relax and enjoy the sensations as he rested the PR against my clit. It began to feel pretty good and I couldn't help but wiggle and moan. He then slid a couple of fingers inside and started hitting my Woo-Hoo spots. It felt wonderful and my hips started thrusting of their own volition. Eventually I had to take over the PR and it wasn't long before I felt the first tingle of impending orgasm.
It roared through me like a bolt of lightning and left me limp and drowsy afterwards. It was all I could do to smile my thanks to Master. All the stress and tension I'd been feeling was gone and in its place was a nice peaceful calm.
Wednesday, December 08, 2004
It could be worse
Last night I had a bit of a mini-meltdown. I was upset over the finances and the fact that we have just a wee bit over two weeks before Christmas, less until Yule, and I'm still not working. It's going to be extremely tight this year and I was fretting about being able to get gifts for the kids.
I don't feel like I have to get them things, I want to give them things. I want to surprise them and see the grins as they open their presents. I love that bit. I wanted to be able to surprise Master with a little something special too.
I nearly went off the deep end last night, first snapping at the youngest over something that ordinarily isn't a big deal and then practically having a fit when part of the pizza I was cooking decided to fall onto the heating element on the bottom of the oven where it burned and filled the house with the acrid stench of burned food. I wanted to drop to the floor and weep with frustration.
After the pizza disaster was averted Master ordered me to sit down and listen as he stood in front of me. "Everything is being blown out of proportion, stop it right now." I took a few deep breaths; my eyebrows knitted in frustration, and held my tongue.
He sat down next to me on the couch and proceeded to remind me that things could be worse. He's right, of course but I was wallowing in my misery and wasn't about to concede the point. "We're relatively healthy" he says. "Speak for yourself" says I, referring of course to my back. "You're not dead yet are you? I'm sure there are lots of folks dead in the ground that would gladly trade you places" says he.
Okay fine, who can argue with that logic? No matter how bad the pain gets or how much I might wish an end to the pain, I'm still alive and alive means a chance to improve one's circumstances. So I let the black mood go and tried to enjoy my mangled pizza dinner. That's the good thing about pizza, even mangled, it tastes good.
So the kids might not get that many gifts this year and I might not be able to get that special something for Master until after the first of the year, the world won't come to a screeching halt. We'll spend time together being a family and loving each other in the peculiar way that we do it.
I don't feel like I have to get them things, I want to give them things. I want to surprise them and see the grins as they open their presents. I love that bit. I wanted to be able to surprise Master with a little something special too.
I nearly went off the deep end last night, first snapping at the youngest over something that ordinarily isn't a big deal and then practically having a fit when part of the pizza I was cooking decided to fall onto the heating element on the bottom of the oven where it burned and filled the house with the acrid stench of burned food. I wanted to drop to the floor and weep with frustration.
After the pizza disaster was averted Master ordered me to sit down and listen as he stood in front of me. "Everything is being blown out of proportion, stop it right now." I took a few deep breaths; my eyebrows knitted in frustration, and held my tongue.
He sat down next to me on the couch and proceeded to remind me that things could be worse. He's right, of course but I was wallowing in my misery and wasn't about to concede the point. "We're relatively healthy" he says. "Speak for yourself" says I, referring of course to my back. "You're not dead yet are you? I'm sure there are lots of folks dead in the ground that would gladly trade you places" says he.
Okay fine, who can argue with that logic? No matter how bad the pain gets or how much I might wish an end to the pain, I'm still alive and alive means a chance to improve one's circumstances. So I let the black mood go and tried to enjoy my mangled pizza dinner. That's the good thing about pizza, even mangled, it tastes good.
So the kids might not get that many gifts this year and I might not be able to get that special something for Master until after the first of the year, the world won't come to a screeching halt. We'll spend time together being a family and loving each other in the peculiar way that we do it.
Tuesday, December 07, 2004
Wonderland
I couldn't sleep so I stayed up and watched Wonderland tonight/this morning. The movie is a story about the porn actor John Holmes and his life after porn.
I tried watching it with Master on Saturday night but the portrayals of drug use and addiction hit too close to home for him and triggered some rather icky stuff, and that was only 15 minutes into the movie. After a different movie about drug addicts caused a bit of a mini-meltdown in him I watched him closely to see if this one would do the same. I'm glad he granted my request and changed the channel. Sometimes, when we come across things that trigger past experiences and negative emotions, we can't always act in our own best interests. We're sucked in and end up held hostage by our own traumas.
Master and I try to act as a lifeline for each other in those situations, the breath of fresh air that helps to clear the head and restores rational thinking.
So, back to the movie... it was disturbing and left me with a very strange, sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. Once upon a time in a galaxy far, far away, and long before we were ever Master and slave, Master and I were caught up in drug abuse and the lifestyle that goes with it. I remember how easy it was to get caught up in other people's drama which wouldn't be drama at all if the drugs weren't involved.
For whatever reason I didn't get as far into the drug abuse as I could have when I quit, yet I was still involved in the drug lifestyle for various reasons. The friends I had at the time were still doing it, Master was still doing it… I couldn't yet escape it entirely. As time wore on the friends fell to the wayside because I had less and less in common with them, we had nothing to talk about, and I think we were uncomfortable around each other.
Now back to the movie.... it reminded me of what I didn't like about myself when I was on drugs, it reminded me of what I didn't like about my druggie friends; the dishonesty, the depression and irritability when the buzz wore off, the irresponsibility, and the paranoia. Mind you, I'm not talking about recreational use, I'm talking about abuse, drug use to the point that it's no longer about having fun but because you need it.
There were good times, but mostly, I remember the bad and I feel the guilt. I made some really bad decisions.
I sat there watching the characters continue on, letting themselves get sucked into the black hole of drug abuse until they were beyond the point of no return. It was absolutely depressing. It could have easily been either one of us and I'm darn glad we emerged from it relatively unscathed. Not everyone is so lucky.
I tried watching it with Master on Saturday night but the portrayals of drug use and addiction hit too close to home for him and triggered some rather icky stuff, and that was only 15 minutes into the movie. After a different movie about drug addicts caused a bit of a mini-meltdown in him I watched him closely to see if this one would do the same. I'm glad he granted my request and changed the channel. Sometimes, when we come across things that trigger past experiences and negative emotions, we can't always act in our own best interests. We're sucked in and end up held hostage by our own traumas.
Master and I try to act as a lifeline for each other in those situations, the breath of fresh air that helps to clear the head and restores rational thinking.
So, back to the movie... it was disturbing and left me with a very strange, sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. Once upon a time in a galaxy far, far away, and long before we were ever Master and slave, Master and I were caught up in drug abuse and the lifestyle that goes with it. I remember how easy it was to get caught up in other people's drama which wouldn't be drama at all if the drugs weren't involved.
For whatever reason I didn't get as far into the drug abuse as I could have when I quit, yet I was still involved in the drug lifestyle for various reasons. The friends I had at the time were still doing it, Master was still doing it… I couldn't yet escape it entirely. As time wore on the friends fell to the wayside because I had less and less in common with them, we had nothing to talk about, and I think we were uncomfortable around each other.
Now back to the movie.... it reminded me of what I didn't like about myself when I was on drugs, it reminded me of what I didn't like about my druggie friends; the dishonesty, the depression and irritability when the buzz wore off, the irresponsibility, and the paranoia. Mind you, I'm not talking about recreational use, I'm talking about abuse, drug use to the point that it's no longer about having fun but because you need it.
There were good times, but mostly, I remember the bad and I feel the guilt. I made some really bad decisions.
I sat there watching the characters continue on, letting themselves get sucked into the black hole of drug abuse until they were beyond the point of no return. It was absolutely depressing. It could have easily been either one of us and I'm darn glad we emerged from it relatively unscathed. Not everyone is so lucky.
Monday, December 06, 2004
A great undertaking
Well after seeing that Lisa over at Lessons Learned and anissa at Life as His are participating in this year's Holidailies I've decided to jump in and give it a go.
I'm working on being a bit more disciplined and starting with my journaling might be a good way to go. After the holidays we'll work on the food issue.
So, from tomorrow until January 6th, I'm going to make daily journal entries. Wish me luck!
I'm working on being a bit more disciplined and starting with my journaling might be a good way to go. After the holidays we'll work on the food issue.
So, from tomorrow until January 6th, I'm going to make daily journal entries. Wish me luck!
Saturday, December 04, 2004
Deteriorating mood
I seem to be going from bad to worse in the mood department as the day and now night, progresses.
I'm trying very hard to keep myself upbeat and happy but it's not working. I can't count the times I've had to fight off impending tears. At one point this afternoon I lost the battle and Zboy saw me and wanted to comfort me. I had to reassure him that I was fine and that no, it wasn't his fault nor anything to do with him. We'd had a little disagreement minutes before so it makes sense that he'd feel like it was something to do with him. I hate when the kids see me like that.
I feel like I'm slipping into a bit of depression. It isn't unexpected with all the financial stress we've been having. Master can order me not to stress about the finances but it seems I can't obey.
I'm upset about my weight too; I've gained some in the last couple of months. I'm at my heaviest weight again and I feel helpless to change it. To make matters worse, a friend of ours stopped by tonight who had the gastric bypass surgery over the summer and she's so thin now. I'm happy for her but at the same time I'm jealous, envious, and sad for me. She looks so wonderful and I feel like this huge, dumpy, blob in comparison.
Sometimes I get so desperate to lose weight that I think I'd do just about anything to do it.
I've got to get out of this funk.
I'm trying very hard to keep myself upbeat and happy but it's not working. I can't count the times I've had to fight off impending tears. At one point this afternoon I lost the battle and Zboy saw me and wanted to comfort me. I had to reassure him that I was fine and that no, it wasn't his fault nor anything to do with him. We'd had a little disagreement minutes before so it makes sense that he'd feel like it was something to do with him. I hate when the kids see me like that.
I feel like I'm slipping into a bit of depression. It isn't unexpected with all the financial stress we've been having. Master can order me not to stress about the finances but it seems I can't obey.
I'm upset about my weight too; I've gained some in the last couple of months. I'm at my heaviest weight again and I feel helpless to change it. To make matters worse, a friend of ours stopped by tonight who had the gastric bypass surgery over the summer and she's so thin now. I'm happy for her but at the same time I'm jealous, envious, and sad for me. She looks so wonderful and I feel like this huge, dumpy, blob in comparison.
Sometimes I get so desperate to lose weight that I think I'd do just about anything to do it.
I've got to get out of this funk.
Friday, December 03, 2004
*$&*@^%*(^)@!
I'm so flipping fed up with temp agencies! I just called the one I work for and she knew in the middle of the week that the client she was going to send me to has put things on hold but didn't call me to let me know.
She *might* know something by Monday. I'm so frustrated and depressed I could cry. I just want to be able to get the kids some things for Christmas and to pay my bills, is that asking so very much? What did I do to deserve this ration of crap? I'm tired of struggling! It's not fair!
I so don't want to tell Master this latest news...I hate adding to his stress. :-(
She *might* know something by Monday. I'm so frustrated and depressed I could cry. I just want to be able to get the kids some things for Christmas and to pay my bills, is that asking so very much? What did I do to deserve this ration of crap? I'm tired of struggling! It's not fair!
I so don't want to tell Master this latest news...I hate adding to his stress. :-(
Whirlwind
This past week has been something else. Things at Master's workplace keep deteriorating. Nothing seems to improve so he's looking elsewhere for work. The thing is, most likely, to get his foot in the door he'll have to work overnight for a while. I have major mixed feelings about this.
Master worked overnight while the kids were little; in fact he has only worked days for the past couple of years. I was miserable, our relationship was in trouble, it was like we lived separate lives, and I felt like a single parent. These things pop into my head every time I hear 'third shift' and I bristle defensively.
Our relationship is so good now and I want to protect that, I want to keep what we have. So, I respond defensively and nay say him working 'third shift'. It's not right that I do it but I can't help being scared of losing all the good we've accomplished. Logically I know he's not the same man he was then but emotionally, I'm gun shy.
As I listened to Master's reassurances last night and his reasons for needing to change employers, I did my best to put my emotions aside. I will support him no matter what decision he makes.
School is finished for the term, I took my final test last night and as far as I can tell, I did pretty well. I feel relieved to have it all finished. Now all I have to stress about is getting a flipping job to help out with X-mas. I get so frustrated with temp agencies, they take their own sweet time finding a person a job, not realizing that every day they take is one more day without much needed extra money for me. *sigh* What can I do but wait upon their leisure?
Master worked overnight while the kids were little; in fact he has only worked days for the past couple of years. I was miserable, our relationship was in trouble, it was like we lived separate lives, and I felt like a single parent. These things pop into my head every time I hear 'third shift' and I bristle defensively.
Our relationship is so good now and I want to protect that, I want to keep what we have. So, I respond defensively and nay say him working 'third shift'. It's not right that I do it but I can't help being scared of losing all the good we've accomplished. Logically I know he's not the same man he was then but emotionally, I'm gun shy.
As I listened to Master's reassurances last night and his reasons for needing to change employers, I did my best to put my emotions aside. I will support him no matter what decision he makes.
School is finished for the term, I took my final test last night and as far as I can tell, I did pretty well. I feel relieved to have it all finished. Now all I have to stress about is getting a flipping job to help out with X-mas. I get so frustrated with temp agencies, they take their own sweet time finding a person a job, not realizing that every day they take is one more day without much needed extra money for me. *sigh* What can I do but wait upon their leisure?
Wednesday, December 01, 2004
The grass is greener...
I've been feeling somewhat melancholy for the last day or so. Things aren't so good at Master's workplace and he comes home every day looking like he's been through hell and back. I ache to be able to do something to alleviate his stress and upset. Today I took initiative and prepared dinner while he had a much needed nap. It felt good to do that for him, he usually prepares most dinners or at the very least, decides what he'd like me to prepare.
There isn't always overt M/s in our relationship and I think sometimes I see the lack of overtness as an absence. I begin to fantasize about living with overt M/s. I fantasize about having to ask permission to use furniture or having to be nude at home. While these things would most definitely reinforce my mindset, they're not necessary to reinforce my enslavement. If I've learned anything it's that rituals and rules are nice and definitely have their place in M/s relationships, but they won't make or break a relationship.
Sometimes I get caught up in what I read online and, you know how it is, the grass looks greener on the other side. Often all that's needed is a good dose of perspective to remind me just how green the grass is on this side.
Our power exchange dynamic is at a level that works for us and that, as far as I can tell, we both thrive in. Most of the time, when I've got my head screwed on straight, I am happy and content with our relationship.
It could be that I've just got too much free-time, idle hands and all that.
Speaking of free-time, I've been reading some new journals and some of the authors of those journals are writers. Not only do they journal but they write, fiction, non-fiction, etc. I've begun to feel the itch to take up where I left off with my writing. I haven't written any fiction for such a long time, heck, I haven't even written an essay in ages.
There isn't always overt M/s in our relationship and I think sometimes I see the lack of overtness as an absence. I begin to fantasize about living with overt M/s. I fantasize about having to ask permission to use furniture or having to be nude at home. While these things would most definitely reinforce my mindset, they're not necessary to reinforce my enslavement. If I've learned anything it's that rituals and rules are nice and definitely have their place in M/s relationships, but they won't make or break a relationship.
Sometimes I get caught up in what I read online and, you know how it is, the grass looks greener on the other side. Often all that's needed is a good dose of perspective to remind me just how green the grass is on this side.
Our power exchange dynamic is at a level that works for us and that, as far as I can tell, we both thrive in. Most of the time, when I've got my head screwed on straight, I am happy and content with our relationship.
It could be that I've just got too much free-time, idle hands and all that.
Speaking of free-time, I've been reading some new journals and some of the authors of those journals are writers. Not only do they journal but they write, fiction, non-fiction, etc. I've begun to feel the itch to take up where I left off with my writing. I haven't written any fiction for such a long time, heck, I haven't even written an essay in ages.
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