I'm playing hooky from work today. I've had a tension headache for three days and my back hasn't been feeling too good. So, last night Master told me he thought it would be a good idea if I stayed home today and I did.
I feel a bit better this morning, there's still a ghost of the tension headache and my back aches a bit but all in all, the pains are improved. However, I feel guilty for not going to work despite the pain. I feel like the day's pay that I've missed is going to be missed and I feel like I'm letting my employer down. The project I've been working on is a hot ticket and needs to get done ASAP.
I feel guilty for taking care of myself.
I think that's what upsets me most about the absolutism discussion on the LE list. I could and would disregard my health and well-being for another as I've done in the past. In the past I didn't value myself as a human being and now it just feels natural to put others before myself. It feels wrong to do otherwise.
I'm concerned that people on the 's' side of the equation might be like I was and care nothing for themselves. I'm concerned that they'll get into an absolute M/s situation with someone who doesn't value their life either and that they will end up abused or worse.
I will concede the point that it is an M/s relationship, but I don't believe it's a healthy one. Being unhealthy doesn't negate it as an M/s relationship. Just like an abusive marriage doesn't negate its marriage status.
I'm lucky in the fact that my Master values me as a person and is concerned about my health and well-being. In the wrong hands, my guilt over putting myself before others, even when I'm ill, could be disastrous.
Someone on the LE list offered a different perspective on absolute M/s. The owner expects absolute obedience but also expects that the slave will take care of the owners possessions, which includes the slave.
Put in this light I am starting to get my head around the idea of responsible absolute M/s. I can even see some of it in Master's and my relationship. Master expects my absolute obedience if I am unwell or if a certain position hurts my back I am supposed to inform him and he will decide if I am too unwell to serve. In the case of my back he will forego the position that hurts because he doesn't want to further damage my back and he doesn't like to see me in that kind of pain. I can't just decide that I don't feel good and thus, not serve. But, if I'm lying in bed, delirious with fever he won't punish me because I am physically unable to serve. I think I can say with a certain amount of surety that this goes for being mentally unable to serve too.
{Being mentally unable to serve means that I'm in the grips of past or present mental trauma or that I'm having a serious panic/anxiety attack}
I still can't, or perhaps won't, understand the concept that it's somehow OK to maim or kill one's slave just because one can. This comes back to the whole irresponsibility issue for me.
Ultimately, I guess my Master could break my bones, remove my limbs, or maim me in some other way, or even kill me if he wanted to because I am his property. But, he won't because he is a responsible owner. I wouldn't have begged to be his slave if he weren't.
