I couldn't sleep so I stayed up and watched Wonderland tonight/this morning. The movie is a story about the porn actor John Holmes and his life after porn.
I tried watching it with Master on Saturday night but the portrayals of drug use and addiction hit too close to home for him and triggered some rather icky stuff, and that was only 15 minutes into the movie. After a different movie about drug addicts caused a bit of a mini-meltdown in him I watched him closely to see if this one would do the same. I'm glad he granted my request and changed the channel. Sometimes, when we come across things that trigger past experiences and negative emotions, we can't always act in our own best interests. We're sucked in and end up held hostage by our own traumas.
Master and I try to act as a lifeline for each other in those situations, the breath of fresh air that helps to clear the head and restores rational thinking.
So, back to the movie... it was disturbing and left me with a very strange, sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. Once upon a time in a galaxy far, far away, and long before we were ever Master and slave, Master and I were caught up in drug abuse and the lifestyle that goes with it. I remember how easy it was to get caught up in other people's drama which wouldn't be drama at all if the drugs weren't involved.
For whatever reason I didn't get as far into the drug abuse as I could have when I quit, yet I was still involved in the drug lifestyle for various reasons. The friends I had at the time were still doing it, Master was still doing it… I couldn't yet escape it entirely. As time wore on the friends fell to the wayside because I had less and less in common with them, we had nothing to talk about, and I think we were uncomfortable around each other.
Now back to the movie.... it reminded me of what I didn't like about myself when I was on drugs, it reminded me of what I didn't like about my druggie friends; the dishonesty, the depression and irritability when the buzz wore off, the irresponsibility, and the paranoia. Mind you, I'm not talking about recreational use, I'm talking about abuse, drug use to the point that it's no longer about having fun but because you need it.
There were good times, but mostly, I remember the bad and I feel the guilt. I made some really bad decisions.
I sat there watching the characters continue on, letting themselves get sucked into the black hole of drug abuse until they were beyond the point of no return. It was absolutely depressing. It could have easily been either one of us and I'm darn glad we emerged from it relatively unscathed. Not everyone is so lucky.
