Why has it been such a big deal to give the serviced I pledged almost a year ago?
I'd lost my focus, that's why. I was focusing on myself, my wants, my needs, me. I can be such a git sometimes.
I wrote to Master then we talked some, rather, he talked and I agreed with all he said. I haven't been holding up my end of our arrangement and I've made it seem like an imposition when he makes requests. I'm ashamed of my behavior and I'd like to make amends.
He mentioned possibly curtailing my computer time, or not allowing me to play computer games. Before our discussion I would have balked, even if only internally. Instead I felt pliant and open to him. He's right to take away privileges if that's his desire. He's still thinking about the course of action he wants to take. In a strange way, I hope he does take some of my privileges. It's not necessarily because I feel that I need to be punished, I need to feel his control of me and to be able to give myself up to it. I don't even know if that makes much sense to anyone but me.
Being a slave with kids in the home, day to day stresses, and a Master working monster over time isn't easy. I don't always feel very much like a slave at times like these.
I'd like to yell to the cosmos "Why?! Why must I always struggle?!" The answer would surely be a wry chuckle, a knowing chuckle, I know the answer and the cosmos knows I know.
