The left half of my butt is numb as I sit here typing in the midnight silence. It's an odd feeling, having half of your butt go numb. I must say though it's not nearly as disconcerting has having half of your pink bits go numb; just one whole side, from mid-clit over...vertically not horizontally. What a rare treat that is.
I just got a whiff of the air and I realize it's time for the weasels' cage to be cleaned. Eww! They aren't very smelly unless the cage is let go too long or their baths are neglected. Ver and Sprite are our resident weasels, ferrets really but who's keeping track? They're as rambunctious as two-year-olds and just as apt to get into anything and everything and just as quickly too. Master says they stink, even when they and their cage is clean. I think he's imagining things, he doesn't like animals much.
Life seems to be plodding along rather sedately and that's suiting me just fine. The M/s has been somewhat understated, with my back and Master working as much OT as he can get, it's been difficult. As a result I've had a harder time minding my attitude. I actually snapped at Master last night, I don't know who took over my body but I swear it wasn't me. The same thing happened tonight. It was petty really.
Master had gone upstairs to watch television because he was letting me watch a program downstairs that he didn't much care for. I was thinking "Cool!" Then he yells down about the bedding, I'd washed it but hadn't gotten it upstairs onto the bed yet. He wanted me to have the short one bring it up to him so he could put it on the bed. For some odd reason, a wild hair or something, I took offense. I felt put out, here I was in the middle of this program I'd waited a month to see and he was letting me watch it and then he decides he needs the bedding?
I felt like he was needling me for not having the fresh bedding on the bed by saying he'd do it himself and in the same moment I was offended that he'd have to put the bedding on our bed when it was my job. (told ya it was petty)
I ended up, in a huff, bringing the bedding up to him and he took it, in a huff, to the bedroom and put it on the bed. I left well-enough alone, no sense in poking an angry bear when you're the thing that angered it in the first place.
He came downstairs later and I went to him in the kitchen and snuggled him and shared some nice soft kisses with him. It's a rarity for me to do that... I'm just not good with physical displays of affection. Have I mentioned the personal space issues? Stand within two feet of me and you've violated my personal bubble. It leaves me feeling decidedly uncomfortable. I've trained myself to be comfortable with frequent touches and hand holding. Yes, I know how bad it sounds that I have had to train myself to be comfortable with being touched by my husband and Master. I'm human and a screwed up one at that.
I realized, in the kitchen during the nice soft kisses, that I liked the nice soft kisses and I promptly asked for more and was rewarded with more. In general kisses bother me, my first introduction to adult kisses was a bad one. More was expected and taken without my consent and all done through the asking for a kiss. Ack! It's really a pain in the butt trying to overcome an aversion like this and not hurt your partner at the same time. "No Sir, it's not you, it's me." I worry that I've left him starved for affection and feeling less Masterly because of it.
I have these automatic fight or flight responses that turn into refusals. I'm a slave, right? No refusals allowed. Often I wish he'd just take what he wants, crashing through and tossing aside any of my weak refusals. I think though, if he has to take it from me, it isn't worth having for him. So, he allows me my refusals and I'm guessing, feeling less Masterly because of it. And I'm feeling less slave-like because of the allowance. Vicious cycle, yes?
How to fix it without causing more trauma? Just thinking about having something as simple as a kiss taken because he wants it makes me feel panicky inside. I'm starting to feel like a 50 foot perimeter might not be enough space for my personal bubble.
So, how does this tie in with all the snapping and feeling put upon? Personal space in the way of use of time. The time I'm allowed to watch a TV program becomes "my time" in my head and then is included in my personal bubble. Yeah, I'm warped, we know this. But that's how my brain works. It's not Master's time because he gave it to me, right? Faulty logic I know. It's never my time.
I don't know how this one will sort itself out; I hope Master has some good ideas.
