Mental Illness

I'm sick, I'm mentally ill.  I cringe at those terms.  I feel there is such stigma attached to being 'mentally ill' that I want to distance myself from the label.  In doing so I'm jumping right into DEnial and that's not helpful for me or my illness.  The medications I take can sometimes further allow me a deeper trip into DEnial because most days I feel "normal".  Then I get b*tchslapped by my illness, either it gets stronger than the meds or, in the case of the last week, I'm off the meds for some reason.

 

It has been a harrowing week and weekend.  I'm sure Master has a few more grey hairs than he had before.  I know I do but thank the Gods for hair dye!  I'm still not 100%, maybe 80% right now.  I'm shaky, fragile, and I could cry at the drop of a hat but at least I'm able to get out of bed.  I'm sitting here at work today and I'm functioning.  I couldn't get myself out of bed Tuesday, I felt trapped there, I felt as if I was going to die in my room trapped in that bed.  That's the height of mental illness for me.  Not being able to do something as simple as getting out of bed.  It still sounds as stupid now in type as it did when I said it Tuesday morning with tears flowing down my cheeks.  But, stupid or not it's just one of the many manifestations of my mental illness.

 

Maybe Master is right, I don't accept my mental illness as being part of who I am and maybe that is what makes it so rough for me.  I keep expecting to "heal" and be "normal" instead of learning to cope with it and accepting it.  I don't want to accept it.  I don't want to be mentally ill.  Master says there is no such thing as "normal", most of the time I agree with him.  But when I'm in the throes of my illness I mentally flog myself for not being normal, I moan about never being "normal".  "Normal" is my Holy Grail in a way.  It's something I think I'm going to find if I just keep searching, if I have enough faith, if I'm good enough... and so on.  Too many ifs.  I've never been "normal" so why should I expect to start now?  I realize how silly that hope is when I stop and think about it like that.  I'm always a big proponent of making the most of the life one is given.  I don't seem to be practicing what I preach do I?

 

My new goal is acceptance.  Acceptance of myself as I am now, not as I wish I were or as I will be if x, y, and z happen.  I am mentally ill and have been from a very young age, medication helps me to function.  So what?  I wouldn't be ashamed of needing medication for a physical illness such as cancer, why should I be ashamed of this?  Stigma.  Personal bias.

 

My mother has been mentally ill all my life, a drug addict, and revelling in the "victim" role.  All this along with being physically and emotionally abusive.  I've spent most of my life fighting to not be at all like her.  Yet here I am, mentally ill, physically limited, and dependent on medication to function.  There are differences and it's those differences I need to focus on.  I'm not addicted to my medication, I'm not abusing or misusing it, I've worked hard to overcome most of my issues, and I keep looking for solutions to my physical limitations that will allow me to live my life.

 

So here I am, at work instead of sitting at home.  I've been here an hour and a half and while part of me wants to run home the rest of me knows that isn't an option.  I need to stay here and in staying here I will gain some strength and functionality.  I'm proud of myself for getting myself out of bed today, for getting a shower, and for leaving the house to go to work.  I couldn't have done this just a few days ago, not even yesterday.

 

Life is what we make of it, I often forget this but that doesn't make it any less true.

Character

Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.
Kahlil Gibran

 

This quote nearly made me break down in tears when I heard it.  The deepest, most genuine, and strongest people I know are those who've suffered in some way and come out the other side stronger for it.

 

Sometimes I think this is me, sometimes I don't.  Sometimes I look back at my past, then I see myself now and I am filled with wonder that I am the person I am after all of that.  I could have so very easily gone down the wrong path, taken the wrong turn, and I did take a few wrong turns but despite that my core was strong and good.  I've always known who I am, even while soul searching I knew.  It's a bit like archaeology, you have a good idea of what's there but you have to excavate, dust it off and clean it up to get a really good look at it.  That's how I've found different facets of myself.

 

I know I wouldn't be who I am today without yesterday's experiences.  Sometimes I'm conflicted about that.  There are some experiences I think I'd trade in a heartbeat, but each experience, each choice leads to a new experience and choice.  It's sort of like those books, you get to choose what happens next and don't know where your choice will lead until you've made it.  Unlike the books you can't go back and unchoose, if only life were that easy.  But if it were would we value it as much?  I don't think so.

 

I'm feeling very introspective today, it's dreary outside and raining.  The seasons are changing, I can feel it in my bones, in my soul.  I find myself looking forward to Fall, to Samhain and the chance to honor loved ones I've been missing.

Interesting

Today Master told me he didn't know how I could take the temp piercing/suturing to my labia.  I didn't say it but my thought was, "How couldn't I?"  He loves doing it why would I ever think to even attempt to deny him that pleasure?

 

The reason behind his statement is that living with chronic pain he's noticed a marked decrease in his desire for the fun pain.  Yes, Master is a masochist as well as a sadist.  He used to love some extreme bits of pain but for the past two years he's been living with chronic pain due to unhealed injuries.  Knowing the pain I live with, he's just incredulous that I take the type of "fun" pain I do.

 

So here's my big confession.  I don't always enjoy it.  Sometimes I'm not sure I can take it, I get this butterfly feeling in my stomach and the urge to run away is almost overwhelming.  I'll even say "I'm not sure if I can take it" before he starts.  I curse, yell, call him naughty names, and make idle threats to his person during some of these sessions.  That's part of my pain processing process.

 

I've said it before and I'll say it again, I serve as masochist to his sadist.  I sincerely believe taking pain for him to sate his sadistic need is a form of service.  I love serving him in this way.  So how do I take the "fun" pain when I live with the "bad" pain day in and out?  Desire, need, and seeing him happy.  In the case of labial suturing, I get to spend days with a tender cunt, having to be careful of how I wash or use the restroom and each time remembering whose cunt it is.  Each time I move I'm reminded of the experience.  And knowing this makes him happy.  I make sure to let him know it's tender with the occasional "ow" when I get up to do something.  I know he's aware of why I'm saying "ow".  I hold out as long as I can before I beg him to remove the sutures because I don't want to give them up.  I like the control aspect and I like his pleasure at having such simple control over me.

 

I just found out today that he would like to permanently pierce my labia.  I'm somewhat excited about the prospect but am wary, I want it to go well and heal well.  The goal is to gauge them to fit a small eyelet piece of jewelry and there would be four piercings altogether, two on each labia, which he could tie closed once all the healing is completed.  I'm in love with the idea so I'm researching technique, etc.  The good news is we have some local piercers who know their stuff and are willing to share info. :-)

Feeling Like a Fraud

I feel like a fraud now. Like, since I'm not really "living" D/s or M/s I don't belong in any of the online forums I've been frequenting. I don't know where I fit anymore. Maybe I was always a fraud and just didn't know it.

How do I find my way through all of this? Who can I talk to? I don't know anyone that has the situation I have. Sure people can give relationship advice but honestly, I know the right and wrong things to do in relationships. That's not my problem. My problem is I still have the relationships but they've turned VANILLA and I'm not turning with them. How do I live like this? Do I go out and find another Dom? Yeah, I need another one of those like I need a hole in my head. In other words I don't need a new relationship, I want to fix the ones I have but I don't even know where to start because the problem isn't with me, it's with them. Their own personal issues that are getting in the way. I just get to sit here and dangle while they go through the motions. It makes me angry.

My sister tells me I can't do the work of both people in the relationship. She's SO right. But, I can't walk away, there's more to the relationships than just M/s, D/s, or SM. I love these men and I KNOW they love me. But I still have needs dammit. I want my Daddy/Master, I want my Sir and I want them NOW. :-(

It's a hurty kinda day and I'm just sad over it all. I've been trying to believe that everything would work itself out eventually if I just kept trying. Disillusionment sucks.

I don't know who or what I am anymore. I guess for now I'm just me, whatever that means.

Lost

I feel like a woman without a country. Rather a slave without a Master, sort of. He's still alive and well physically but the Master in him is in hiding, the Daddy in him died a long time ago. I've been struggling for a long time now but just kept my head down and kept on keeping on.

Today a text from Sir sent me over the edge, it sort of lanced the growing wound of anger, hurt, loss, and sadness. It all poured out at him, all my hurt and anger over having very little of his time and being a very, very small priority in his life. And all the feelings of loss and pain over not having the Master and Daddy in my life that I need and love so much.

I feel lost, drifting, alone yet not. I've become so service-oriented that I don't know how else to live. I need control in my life, I need someone to serve, I need SM, I need, I need, I need. I'm too needy.

I go back to work tomorrow and I'm worried about how that's going to go. I'm sick with it. Despite having my implant reprogrammed and my meds changed, I still can't do much without pain. I want to keep hoping that I'm still healing and that it will get better. But I'm scared that I won't be able to sit for even the four hours I'm scheduled to work without pain.

I'm miserable and unhappy today. Sometimes I think it's my own doing, I have all these needs and expectations and then I get hurt when they're not met. Duh! Quit needing and expecting and you'll be fine, right?

Funk-y

I've been in a funk for a while now. I had the surgery, technically it was successful. No infection, good healing, the implant is operating as it should.

However, I feel like I'm worse off now than I was before. I can't sit, stand, or walk for more than 30 minutes without pain that starts at my tailbone and works its way up toward my shoulder blades and down the backs of my legs to my toes. All this despite the spinal cord stimulator that is supposed to alleviate the butt/leg/foot pain.

I spent two hours sitting at a visitation/funeral yesterday and the rest of the day/night and most of today in pain as a result. I'm frustrated, angry, and scared. I don't know how I'm going to manage to work, much less try to live my life. My pain doc's nurse said "You're just over a month from surgery, give it time." How much time?? How much agony do I have to put up with before something freaking works?! Shouldn't I be improving? I'm not. I've hit this point and I don't seem to be moving past it. I've been at this point for the last two to three weeks and it just isn't getting any better. This leads me to wonder if this is it, if this is the best I can hope for.

Oh me of little faith, I know. I'm just sick and tired of being sick and tired all the time. I want something to go right just once. I want to be as active as I was two years ago, I want to feel as good as I did then. I want to have a happy medium again so I can be active yet know my limits and work within them. This, this just doesn't work for me and I'm really bummed.

On The Other Side

So, I survived surgery. Go me! The first day was awful but each day I see improvement, the muscles are relaxing and aren't spasming as much. The incisions burn a little but it isn't like I'm not familiar with that type of pain so it's minor compared to the muscle spasms.

I'm trying hard to be a good girl and not overdo things despite feeling like I can do more when all the meds are on board and keeping much of the pain at bay. It isn't easy, just lying around doing next to nothing and having people wait on you when you're accustomed to being the waiter instead of being the waitee.

I'm not allowed to drive for at least three weeks, and not allowed to be a passenger for at least two weeks. That leaves me housebound, which really bites.

I have so many plans, so many things I want to do. I'm ready to get on with my life and yes, I'm slightly impatient to do so.

The prognosis is good, the surgery did go very well, and my nurses were extremely impressed with the sutures. I have to say, they are unlike any I've ever seen before, they're very detailed and precise. I hope this means the scaring will be minimal.

My libido was on hold due to not feeling very well but now that I'm starting to feel better it's coming back full bore and Alan is very adamant that we're not having sex until I'm healed. That's going to be a super long time. I'm going to grow cobwebs down there!

I'm anxious about how we're going to have to adapt our play so I'm impatient to talk with my surgeon about living with the implant but I won't see him for another five weeks or so. Not that I'll be up for playing before then anyway, but still, I want to know what goes on the "Don't" list. I hope not too many things. Alan and I just found the perfect gloves for our boxing play. I'd be sad if we couldn't do that anymore. I'd really miss the punching play we do too. Oh well, it's an unmanageable right now so there's no use worrying about it.

In the meantime, there's GOT to be a safe way to have sex that won't jar my back. *grins*

Extremes

I seem to be moving toward more extreme types of play.  Last night I practically begged Alan to pierce my labia and sew them shut.  Today I want a series of piercings along my labia that can be locked shut.

 

He did pierce me and, using fishing line, stitched one area shut.  I love the way it feels, restrictive, constantly present.  I can't forget it's there no matter what I do.  I'm torn between riding an endorphin high that hasn't gone away, and a bit of drop from the heavy playing we did Saturday night.  I'm also feeling a bit frantic, as if I've got to experience everything I can right away.  It's a bit like sub frenzy but with a sense of urgency as if I am running out of time.

 

Last week I felt a sense of relief and purpose, this week I'm just frenzied and I have nowhere to spend all this energy because I'm tied to a freaking chair and a phone having to repeat the same stuff over and over again to different people.

 

 

Impatient

So, I saw the surgeon yesterday.  He gave me a surgery date.  May 29th, exactly two weeks from today.  I feel panicky, I want to get all the paperwork done NOW.  I want to get the time off approved NOW.  I want to get the surgery over with NOW.  I want to be recovered NOW.  I know, I know, patience is a virtue.

 

There will be lots of changes afterwards, some good, some sad, but it's all a trade off.  I have to give up some things in order to gain pain relief and increased energy.

 

I'm scared, no doubt about it.  The surgeon wanted to be sure he impressed upon me how serious this surgery is and he was successful.

 

I have so much to do and I don't know where to start.  Blah!  I hate major surgery.

Who's That Girl?

What is it about verbal humiliation that hit my hot buttons?  Is it because it was so new to me?  Or am I really kinked for that?

 

I just don't know and I'm still trying to wrap my head around it all.  Sunday's verbal humiliation really helped to strip me down to my slave-self, nothing else existed.  I wasn't thinking about my physical pain, the things that were stressing me out, or even the impropriety of any of it.  I was simply reacting and accepting.

 

Some part of me likes to be verbally humiliated, as evidenced in the e-mail I wrote to Alan telling him I wanted to produce more milk for him and be his "milk cow".  Just reading what I've typed here has me shaking my head and blushing.  I can't believe those are my thoughts and desires and that I'm actually articulating them.  It's so contrary to who I am in many ways.  I'm usually quiet, reserved, and very controlled.  I keep a lot of my deep dark desires to myself.  I'm also usually overly sensitive to humiliation.  Yet here I am talking about them, I've mentioned them to Alan, and I've happily accepted his verbal humiliation and thanked him for it.

 

I THANKED him for everything he did on Sunday.  I was grateful.  Instead of focusing on the fact that he was tormenting me I was focused on the fact that he did wash me and he bathed himself, thus giving me a clean body to lick and suck on at his command.

 

I'm just trying to figure out who this girl is that seems to be taking over my body.  I think this is linked to the growth spurt I wrote about in an earlier post.  I'm finally learning, I think, how to really surrender myself to him and I'm finding a joy and peace in it that I didn't know could exist.  I just hope he doesn't stop or let us lose momentum.  I think this is good, I think it's a good foward movement for us.

Perspective Realigned

I thought my weekend was going to suck.  Saturday night was supposed to be "date night" but Alan was tired and I was overly emotional about the whole thing and entirely too focused on myself and my disappointment.  We're both miserable over him working overnights but getting overly emotional about it isn't going to help anyone cope.

 

We did a lot of talking and finally went to bed.  I was wrung out emotionally and could barely keep my eyes open any longer.  I remember waking up because I couldn't feel him in bed with me.  I looked over my shoulder to see him sitting at the computer, was reassured and fell right back to sleep.

 

I woke up Sunday morning to a note in the bathroom with explicit instructions on it.  "Go potty, go eat, take meds, bring me a drink, strip, wake me".  I was so tired and sore I was half tempted to let him continue to sleep while I took meds and rested some more myself.  But the note didn't leave any wiggle room so I did as I was told.  I got his drink and when I got upstairs with it I sat it on the desk and quickly stripped down to bare skin.  Then I picked up his drink and carefully walked over to his side of the bed and gently woke him.  His smile and softly spoken "Good girl" undid me.  I quivered and trembled a bit.  It's not like him to praise me in that way.  I felt good and nervous all at the same time.  It's a difficult feeling to explain.  He asked me if I was cold to which I replied that I was.  He, being the wonderful sadist he is, pressed his cold glass against my nipples and enjoyed their immediate response.  He took mercy on me as I stood there shivering and let me turn the fans off.  Then he crawled out of bed and took me into the bathroom talking about how I needed a shower.

 

He told me to get into the tub and kneel, I knew what kind of shower I'd be getting then, as he stepped into the tub with me.  He was very obviously aroused as he began to urinate all over my body and my face.  He ordered me to open my mouth and he urinated there too.  No part of me was left dry.  I shivered there in the tub with his urine cooling on my body.  He then remarked that I needed to be cleaned up.  He grabbed the shower head and turned on the water.  I got a bit hysterical then as I clung to his leg and begged him to not use cold water.  I was overwhelmed and completely undone, all I knew was that he was in control of everything and I depended on him for something as simple as warm water to be bathed with.  I wanted to stay on his good side and hoped he'd be merciful.  At first the water was cold, he didn't wait for it to warm up to use it on me so I whined a little until the water warmed up.  He hosed me off and pushed my limits a little by keeping the water in my face, particularly my nose and mouth letting me feel as if I were going to drown.  I stayed as calm as I could and didn't panic.  I think I was too much in shock or I just trust him that much, that I didn't feel panicky about it.  He finally had me stand so he could bathe me.  For those that know me well, being bathed by anyone other than myself is just this side of torture.  I'm very OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) about my personal hygiene.  He knows this only too well and uses it against me from time to time.  Yesterday morning was no exception except that he took it farther than he's done before.  He would comment about how he was only going to wash me very minimally, if at all, and that I'd have to go all day with smelly body parts.  I wanted to beg him to clean me better but I just couldn't for fear that he wouldn't clean me at all so I submitted quietly to his ministrations.  It was difficult because he would comment every now and then about how "stinky" I was going to be or how I had urine on my breath.  By the end of the shower I felt thankful for the cleaning he did give me.  Once we were both clean and dried off he brushed my teeth for me and put my deodorant on as well.

 

If he'd decided that was the end of our play for the morning it would have been enough.  I felt realigned.  His bathing me and taking care of all of my personal hygiene routine reminded me that I am his and he can do whatever he wants to with me.  It was a good reminder.  However, he wasn't through with me.  He was feeling sadistic and was going to feed that need.

 

The SM wasn't all that unusual but he used a lot of verbal humiliation that he's never used before.  It was powerful for me and left me feeling very vulnerable, objectified.  He pushed my trust limits too, waiting until he'd blindfolded and gagged me and then pushing me backwards to fall onto the bed.  It was a scary feeling, I hate not being able to see.  I was jumpy and fearful, especially when it felt as if he was going to f*ck me with the blade of the knife.  Then he shoved the handle inside me instead, I couldn't help myself, my hips rocked gently in time with his thrusts and I sighed with regret when he removed it to go back to torturing my poor pussy.

 

Afterward I could barely move I was just drained and so, so, so relaxed.  I ended up napping for a little while during the afternoon.

 

I'm beginning to understand what people like about verbal humiliation.  Words are so powerful.

Growth Spurt?

I feel like I've hit some sort of "growth spurt" in my enslavement.  For the last week or so I've been cooking all the meals, doing all the dishes, and making sure Master's and my lunches are ready for the next day.  I have the most profound feeling of peace from these simple tasks.  Yes I'm tired after work, yes I hurt, but these things don't seem to exist when I'm performing these tasks.  I'm happy to do this and more just to be of service to my Master.  I find myself wanting to give more of myself to him, I want to give him anything he desires just to see him happy.

 

I think I've also finally found my way back to submitting to Sir.  He gave me a simple task to do yesterday and I nearly squealed because I was so giddy over being able to do something for him again.  Sir and I have seen a lot of each other over the past month and it's been making me very happy because not only are we having one on one time, we're having triad time too so I'm getting to spend time with both Sir and Alan (not always a good thing because they're wicked-evil together).  I've missed the after sex "puppy piles" we have where we're just lying around nude chatting, goofing off, and cuddling.  No the men don't cuddle together but they cuddle around me, which leaves me feeling safe, warm, and loved.

 

I have had some trouble with obedience in a couple of areas.  It isn't deliberate or intentional but it is something I know I can and should control.  I've been getting junk food during the work day even after promising Master that I wouldn't.  I feel bad about it and I do feel like I deserve to be punished for it.  I'm also slipping and saying the "a" word *whispers: you know 'ain't*.  I've got to be more dilligent with that, I owe it to my Master to do so, and to be obedient.

 

Edgy & HOT!

I love breath play and strangulation play, everything to do with it turns me on.  Well, I found a new form to try, re-breathing or shared breath.  I just adore the girl who turned me on to it!  (thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou!)

 

Sir and I tried it Sunday morning and I just have to say wow.  It felt so intimate and I felt so very vulnerable and turned-on but it was slightly different than when we've (or Alan and I have) done other forms of breath play or strangulation play.  The intimacy was definitely greater since he was breathing for me.  I don't think I'll ever be able to forget the feel of his lips sealed around mine, his hand plugging my nose, inhaling his breath then having him exhale mine and waiting for him to give me more air.  I felt so floaty and light-headed afterwards and just happy.  We sat there and grinned at each other like idiots for a few moments.  I think we were both excited by it but we realized we needed to work on timing so we tried it again. lol  The timing was better the second time and it was just as intense and intimate.  I love it.

 

I love new experiences like this and I'm happy that Sir was willing to give it a go.

 

I'd like to be bitten until blood is drawn, being bitten, especially in a sexual setting, is a HUGE turn-on for me.  Having someone share my blood is also a huge turn on.  I'd love to be bitten and then share a kiss with my partner while my blood is still fresh on his lips and in his mouth.

 

Sick little masopuppy, maybe but I'm happy and that's all that matters to me. :-)

When is it enough?

I just wonder, when is it time to just quit trying to grab the carrot that doctors are dangling in front of you?  When do you say "Enough!" and just quit?  I'm tired of trying.  I'm tired of hurting.  I'm tired of being put off and strung along by doctors who give me one option and one option only.  I've had it.

 

I'm tired of putting my life on hold waiting for this option.  I'm tired of hoping, only to be told, "wait just a little longer" over and over.  I'm weary, I'm exhausted.  I can't do anything but work due to extreme physical exhaustion from the pain.  I spent the evening with my Sir Friday night and slept on and off most of Saturday and Sunday to recuperate.  Some life huh?

 

Yeah, I know it sounds like a lot of whining.  It could be a lot worse.  But I'm fed up with it all.  I'm just sick to death of dealing with doctors who seem to procrastinate like it's a hobby.  I just feel like giving up.  Master is angry with me because I want to give up.  I suppose he's got the right to be angry but for Pete's sake, how much do I have to endure?  Why can't I just lie down and give up?  I don't want to do this anymore.  I don't want to deal with this pain but I don't want to keep waiting and keep hoping only to have my hopes dashed every time I turn around.  It's intolerable.  Master doesn't understand why I hope.  Hope is what keeps me thinking positively, without hope this is what remains.  Hopelessness.  Frustration.  Depression.

 

I don't want to work anymore, I want to be able to rest so I can take my daughter for a walk, so I can exercise and get rid of all this fat.  But no, instead I have to work and give up exercise so I can work.  I just wonder what I'm working for if it's all I do.  What is the point of having money and insurance, etc. if I can't enjoy it?  Oh that's right, so my family can enjoy it for me.  Yay.

 

I've just had it and I'm tired of being made to feel as if I'm being childish or like I'm whining for no good reason because I've run out of fight.  I just don't have it in me anymore to keep trying.  I can't see the silver lining in the clouds.  I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel without the sure knowledge that it's just another train getting ready to run me down.  No more pep talks.  No more chiding.  NO MORE!

 

As silly as it may sound, because it is so unrelated to my situation, I understand why people with terminal illnesses finally just quit with all the "cures" and live what life they have left.  One can only chase rainbows for so long before realizing you'll never catch one.

New Experiences

We had a great weekend, we got to go visit another group for a fabulous workshop and play party after.  We played alright and played hard.  It was intense and new.  He took me to the point of nearly being hysterical then gentled me down and took me up again.  It was gratifying to me to be able to take more for him by being given a chance to recover myself a little bit.

 

I came away from it with actual marks!!  I've got bruises!!  It's been such a long time and I can't stop gawking in the mirror whenever I'm nekkid in front of it.

 

I feel so GOOD, so peaceful and relaxed.  Actually I could use a nap. lol

 

Seriously though, I don't feel stressed or frantic about anything.  All is right with the world.  Okay, all will be right with the world so long as m'Lady forgets all about the surgical staples and stapler.

 

I love this state of mind, this place of peace.  Nothing seems impossible and I feel good about myself as a slave.  I feel soft, pliant, serene.  It always amazes me to find myself feeling like this.  You'd think I'd be accustomed to it by now.

Day Dreaming

It's 8:25 a.m. and my work day hasn't even begun yet I'm ready to head home.  I have craft projects I would rather be doing.  Things that I can't exactly bring to work. *chuckles*

 

I'm working on perfecting a pair of rope floggers for Alan so he's got a nice matched pair for the demo we're attending on the 29th.  I'm also going to make him a new set of knotted end rope floggers to maybe enhance or replace the pair we already have.  I'm eager to get these done for him, they'll take a little while to finish.  Being the anal retentive perfectionist I am, they'll take even longer.

 

I'm restless, I want to get out and DO something.  It's Ostara today, the spring equinox, and I just want to be OUT!

 

I'm itching to get all sorts of things done that I don't have time to do otherwise.  I'm craving some time in the sun, just soaking it into my pores, as well as crafting for Alan.  Sometimes having youngins at home makes that difficult.  I can't just decide to go sit out back and craft for obvious reasons.  I can't sit in the living room to craft for those very same reasons.  It's frustrating sometimes, trying to live both lives as seamlessly as possible.  I hate compartmentalizing my life, I'd rather it be one whole piece.  I'd LOVE to be able to tell vanilla folks that I've got to check with Master before I make plans.  That's probably why I avoid vanilla friendships.  I have one and we rarely talk because our lives are so different.

 

I'm uncomfortable and somewhat fearful around vanilla people sometimes, especially when I have visible bruising or marks from SM play.  I had a rug burn on my elbow last year that drew some attention from my co-workers and I had to explain it away.  How much different would it be if I could have said, "Well over the weekend my Master and a close dominant friend of ours did a takedown scene and I got a little rug burn in the process."?

 

How much different would it be if I could tell my doctors that the 'A' carved into my right buttock was a mark of ownership from my Master?  That the "scratches" were from a night of torture and pleasure with my favorite toy, cold steel, sharp knives.

 

How much different would it be if I didn't have to worry about my Master being carted away in handcuffs for spousal abuse if someone overheard our playing.  Or that our children would think he was abusive by seeing my service to him or overhearing our play?  How much better would it be if I could simply confess to them how happy this way of life makes me?  That I've never felt more loved and cherished than I do right now?  That the things he does to me I've volunteered for and generally love, even if I hate them?

 

Yep, I'm ready for the work day to be over and my long weekend to begin!

Let It Flow

It seems like since my post yesterday I have a lot to say but a lot of it is incoherent babble.

 

More and more, as I get further into this lifestyle, especially M/s, I see a direct correlation between dog training and slave training.  The Master is the alpha, the pack leader and the rest of us who aren't alphas are followers, or pack members.

 

The problem I find myself running into, it's a brick wall that I bang my head on constantly, is that I'm not wholly a follower though I crave the safety of the pack and I want/need to be a pack member.  I have a little bit of alpha in my personality make up and I'm always banging into it.  I'm guessing Alan probably feels like he's banging into that brick wall too when he tries to assert himself.

 

So how do I learn to stomp on the alpha part of myself and roll over and show my belly like a good submissive?

 

If you haven't guessed by now, we've watched a lot of the Dog Whisperer shows and I really do find a direct correlation from what he says to our M/s relationship.  Maybe I need that sound or hand signal from him that tells me I'm overstepping my bounds and that I need to get back into line.  I don't always know how to act and in that case the alpha portion of my brain takes over and says "I'm the Boss, screw him!"  The submissive portion groans in silence knowing the outcome isn't going to be pretty.

 

Being human though, I try to work it out instead of just acting on instinct as a dog would.  I try to actively focus on being pliable, open, submissive.  *sigh*  If anyone had told me how hard it would be to be a 24/7 slave I might have at least had second, third, and fourth thoughts before committing to this.  Naaahh, I can't back that up, it's the life I crave.  Total immersion in my Master's control.  I just wish the alpha portion of my brain would shut the heck up.

Ho Hum

Lots of changes, lots of life happening, and lots of waiting.  That seems to be the tune my life is played to these days.  Sometimes I think I want to play it to a different tune but I'm not so sure I really do, deep down inside where it counts.

 

Alan is working overnights for now, it's supposed to be temporary and I'm keeping all the crossables crossed in hopes that it's *very* temporary.

 

I've been panic/anxiety free for about a month now.  Not too shabby if I do say so myself.  I keep telling myself "Things will be even better once..."  But will they?  I want to believe it's true.  I want to believe that I'll be happier, healthier, and will have more energy once I can finally get the permanent spinal cord stimulator.  The trial was a huge success and I'm told the permanent implant kicks the crap out of the temp.  How can I not look forward to it as a cure-all even though I know it's just another band-aid?  I'm willing to take anything I can get right now until medical practice catches up and they can actually fix my back.

 

I tell myself I'll be happier, healthier, yadda, yadda, yadda once I get the implant and can start exercising again.  Okay, so that one is probably true.  I want a bicycle this year.  I found the one I want at Wal-Mart, it's a mountain bike, sturdy and hot pink.  I want to get a matching one for HRS and something manly-looking for Alan so we can go on bicycle rides together.

 

Things with the local group really seem to be skyrocketing as far as growth and activity.  It's thrilling to be in the midst of it and to be part of it.

 

FINALLY I get to travel to a BDSM event, granted it's still in Iowa but at least it's not home.  Alan says we get to go and I'm SO excited about it.

 

I feel like I've stagnated, like I'm buried under ice and snow, sleeping and waiting for Spring to come along and wake me up so I can grow again, stretch, and soak up the sun.

 

HRS has made it clear that she wants us to celebrate Ostara this year, last year was a mess and I wasn't feeling very celebratory.  This year I want to make it different, special.  It used to be that I would give the kids baskets of candies and doo-dads on Ostara.  This year I want to give her some things that actually pertain to the holiday and this time of year.  A time of growth and rebirth.  To that end I think I might get her a plant of some sort that she'll be responsible for.  Perhaps we'll even make some candles together.  I've got less than a week to put this together so I'd better get shakin'.

 

Re-reading all of this reminds me of the quote "Life is what happens while you're busy making plans."  I've been living life, sometimes at a breakneck pace, sometimes more sedately but I've been living and living well.

 

Blessed Be!

 

 

Ketchup!

It's been a while, I know.  I've been horrible about journaling.  I haven't been making the time to do it as I should.

 

Life has been extremely busy from Alan's torn quadricep tendon in his knee/thigh to Zboy moving back home for a bit, to me finally getting approval for and doing the week-long trial for the spinal cord stimulator, and everything in between.

 

I don't even know where to start.  I miss the temp stimulator, I felt almost normal, aside from feeling like a human vibrator.  I was able to walk farther, faster, and at a brisk pace without the pain slowing me down.  I'm back to slug pace now until they can make the appointment for me to see the surgeon again.  I have no idea how long that's going to take, it could be anywhere from a few weeks to a few months.  I've waited this long, I suppose I can wait longer.

 

Last night I felt as if I were on top of the World.  Master had had a busy day and I not only cooked dinner but did the dishes as well.  It felt good to do all that and give him a moment to relax.  I did snipe at him when he made some comment about me "complaining" about being busy when it's something he does daily.  If I complained I didn't intend to.  I felt a little harried and a lot tired.  I'm not accustomed to that much activity, especially in light of having just had the trial stimulator removed and having had an active weekend.  Maybe I was a little whiney or crabby.  I don't know.  All I do know is that I do feel good for having done those things for him.  I feel like I accomplished a lot and was finally able to be of real service to him.

 

Speaking of the active weekend.  We went to a play party Friday night and played several times.  It was SO much fun and I'm reveling in all the aches, bruises, and cuts I have to remind me of it.  Okay, so I don't like having my bruises poked and I do get even by rubbing Alan's belly since he's tender there.  Part of our play that night was "boxing", we play fight by punching and slapping each other and we both got in some good shots.  The rest of our play involved sharp and pokey things.  M'Lady even got to "sew" a bell onto my right breast, I loved it, even if we did have to use a 19 g needle to do it.  *ouch!*  I didn't want to remove the bell but Alan reminded me it might hurt a lot trying to take it out later after it'd begun to heal around the fishing line.  So wistfully, I let him remove the tiny bell.

 

Saturday was munch day and I had a good time socializing and making a new acquaintance.  I'm really enjoying my service to the group but I need to pace myself so I don't burn out.  There is just so much I want to accomplish and I'm so eager to do so that it's hard to remember that I've burned out before and lost my desire to serve the group at all.

 

I think I've spent so long just surviving and doing what needs to be done to get by and I'm finally and thoroughly done with it.  I'm sick to death of missing life and living life to its fullest.

 

So that's where I'm at today.

ANGRY!!!!

And defeated.  That's how I feel today.  I got another no from the Mayo Clinic in Rochester last night in the mail, this time they just don't have the appointment space for me.  Then this morning I find out that my insurance company has denied the spinal cord stimulator as not being medically necessary.  Of course my doctor's office can appeal it but appeals can take up to 30 days.  I'm starting to wonder if I have to have a failed back surgery to make it medically necessary.

 

I'm going to ask my doctor to refer me to an orthopaedic surgeon here in town for one last try at surgery and I'm just going to force the issue.  I don't care if the doctor thinks it will help or what my odds of success are.  I just don't care anymore.  All I want is proper medical help and it seems like that's asking too much.  Alan says we'll get a lawyer and sue the insurance company to pay for the implant if the doctor's office appeal fails.  I don't know where he thinks we'd get the money for an attorney.

Feeling Whipped

I'm exhausted, wiped out, zapped, zoned, vegged, just plain worn out.  I'm tired of fighting for today.  My stomach hurts because I'm so stressed out and I'm stressing out over things I can't control and I know it's wrong.  I'm almost beyond caring.  It feels pointless to keep fighting sometimes.  It just seems like I'm not getting anywhere anymore.

 

I don't have any fight left in me today, maybe tomorrow will look better.

Negotiations

That's where we're at, Alan and I.  We're negotiating the terms of our continuing M/s relationship.  We're ironing out needs vs. wants and what we both feel is reasonable.

 

I have to giggle just a little here because his favorite show is The Dog Whisperer with Cesar Milan and nearly every time he explains something he uses dog pack mentality for his analogies.  Yesterday he was telling me that yes, he had given me too much leash and was letting me "walk" him instead of the other way around.  I giggled and told him I was just waiting to hear him imitate Cesar's accent, and of course, he obliged me.

 

It is true though, at least in our household.  I'm a beta but will be alpha if the alpha isn't alpha-enough.  As with dogs, human owners have to train human property to be submissive, they have to lead them in order to be followed.  So we're working and negotiating, not to get back to what we had but in order to move forward.  I think we've both realized just how badly our communication broke down and I think we will keep working at communicating more openly.  I'm still uncollared but I don't want it until he's ready, if and when he's ready to do so.  I want him to be firmly in the lead, I'm weary of leading, it's not my accustomed position.

Worthless

I feel worthless this morning.  I feel like I've given up part of my identity and I did it of my own free will.  Why?  Because I felt like he wasn't taking the reins, I felt like I had too much slack in the reins and after asking more than once for more consistency, and less slack, I got tired of asking.

 

I gave him his collar back and told him I needed him to decide if he really wanted to own me and if he did then I needed him to lead me instead of letting me lead.  I don't fear punishment.  He may threaten it but he doesn't follow through.  Maybe I'm not slave material, maybe I'm just a submissive playing at being slave.  I don't know.  I feel like I don't know who I am right now.

 

We're going to a play party tonight and I don't know how I'm supposed to behave, I don't know how to play with him as a submissive and not as a slave.  I just don't know and I'm confused as can be.  How do you use safewords you haven't had for years?  I'm so accustomed to playing with him as his slave that I don't know if I can code.  I'm so jumbled up inside I don't know if I can even get into the right headspace to play at all.  What if I just get angry instead of letting go and enjoying the scene?  What if I bring all this emotional crap with me to the party?  He'll be disappointed in me, more than he is already.

 

It hurt my feelings when he didn't immediately say "Of course I want to own you, let me put this collar back on."  He has to actually think about it and I'm scared that I've screwed up royally this time.  I may have ruined the best thing I ever had all because I felt I had needs that weren't being met.

 

Am I wrong in asking to have my needs met?  Am I wrong in asking for consistency or for direction?  I know the way I go about it sometimes, like last night, is wrong.  I disrespected him and I am deeply sorry for that.  I could have cut myself a million times as pennance for that mistake.  I'm just so frustrated and I feel like I have nowhere to turn to ease that frustration so it balls up inside me, I try to stuff it into the deepest corners of myself and ignore it.  But I only have so much room for stuffing things and I finally boil over, like I've been doing all week.  I get a good mad on and I don't care anymore about anyone else's needs but my own.  It's selfish and childish.

 

I'm not worthy of his collar, I know this now.  At best I can hope he'll still want me as his submissive but the truth is, I may have ruined that too.

Lost

I feel lost, like I've wandered away from my Daddy in the store, except he's wandered away from me and I can't find him.  It's Daddy who is lost, not me but it doesn't make me feel any less lost myself.  When my lil peeks out he seems almost angry with her.  I got angry with him on her behalf last night.  I said some things I wish I could take back but that doesn't mean they're not valid.

 

He used to love his lil girl and made her feel special and wanted.  Now she just feels like she's in the way and unwanted, unloved.  It hurts.  He snapped about something and being tired of "kid sh*t" and I reminded him that's what he's got so he may as well deal with it or else we'll find someone who can.  It wasn't fair to threaten like that and I really wish I could take that back.

 

But at the same time, what am I supposed to do?  I've been encouraged and even indulged with my lil, Daddy loved her.  What did she do wrong?  What did we do wrong that our Daddy doesn't love us anymore?

 

Maybe he's not a real Daddy for us, it was just "fun for a while" and now it's not fun anymore?  Maybe it's a phase, one he cycles in and out of?  I don't know.  What I want to know is what we're supposed to do in the meantime to feel whole and complete.

 

I wonder if I made a mistake in exploring this part of me now.  It's like a Pandora's box that can't be closed.  My lil needs to be loved, adored, and pampered.  She needs her Daddy and doesn't understand why he won't love her or play with her like he used to.  All the adult reasoning in the world doesn't change that base need.  I don't understand how he can shut it off, I thought he needed it too.  Now I feel like I misunderstood his intentions and got too wrapped up in something that was only a passing fancy for him.

 

I wonder about finding another Daddy, but neither of us wants another Daddy, we want the one we had, we want him back.  Maybe that's too much to ask for, we're just sad and lonely without him and wish we didn't get snapped at or yelled at when we're peeking out.

Something In The Air

What is it about the first snow and the impending holidays that seem to lift my spirit?  I feel that childlike wonder when I see the giant Christmas trees in the buildings around downtown.  I'm awed by the colorful lights and decorations and of course, the craftswoman in me is taking mental notes for home decoration.  (Master you might like a couple of the ideas I have, they'll make our tree really pretty!)

 

It's more than that though, I love spending time with family, sharing food with them as well as time.  Creating new memories.  The holidays may always be bittersweet from now on, we'll always miss Jamey but he's always with us so long as we remember him.

 

I hope to always have big family holidays, whether it be our own or our extended family.  That is what the holidays mean to me, family.

 

I'm overly eager to get things in the living room arranged so we can decorate the tree.  The kids and I always do the decorating and we have such fun doing it together.  This year I imagine we'll have lots of pictures since HRS got a new digital camera for her birthday.  She's become the family paparazzi and chases us all around to snap pictures.  Of course we nick the camera from her and get a few shots in ourselves. *evil grins*

 

I'm feeling very positive, sentimental, and a bit teary-eyed right now as I watch the snow falling outside my window.  Big fluffy flakes that get caught in your eyelashes and melt on your nose.  It's a beautiful sight.

Dark Night Of The Soul

Most people might not know what the Dark Night of the Soul means. Basically it's facing yourself, bare without the little lies we tell ourselves, facing our demons, everything, and coming out (hopefully) stronger and more self-aware for it. In Pagan traditions, or at least the one I learned in, this was usually done with more intent, though not always.

Last weekend was such a one for me and it was long, horrible, and terrifying. Yet here I am today, stronger, and definitely more self-aware. I thought for sure I was going crazy, I was completely out of control as my emotions ran rampant and took me over entirely. Master had the presence of mind to get me help when it was clear that I was beyond his aid.

Since then I've been making the journey back to me, to my center, to who I know myself to be. I'm bringing back some wisdom with me this time. I'm growing and evolving in the way I think, or at least I'm trying to. It's a process and a week isn't nearly long enough to prove anything by any means. It will get put to the test next week when I go back to work, and each day after that. Each time a new problem arises my new way of thinking will be tried and tested. I can't promise that I won't fall back into old patterns but I can promise to try to not do so.

I'm sick, you see. Not a sickness you can check the blood for, nor one that causes fever. No, it's a sickness of the mind and it takes a lot of cognitive re-training to heal. I've spent nearly my entire life with this sickness, since about the age of 7, but am only now getting the type of help I've needed all along. I'm not disclosing this fact for sympathy but to dispel the stigma we seem to attach to mental illness, still in this day and age. So yes, I'm mentally ill but I'm getting better. Maybe I'll relapse, maybe I won't, but I can no longer feel shame for something I can't control. It would be like having cancer and being ashamed of it. Silly huh?

Justice

Two families, two different viewpoints. On the one side there is much celebration and relief, justice has finally been served. On the other side there is sadness and a sense of loss, it doesn't feel like justice to them.

Today the jury came back with a unanimous decision of guilty in the first degree for our Jamey's murderer. He tried to weasel out of it, tried to claim self-defense, tried and failed. Our family has mixed feelings, on the one hand we're pleased with the verdict, on the other hand we still wish there had never been a need for it at all. Finding Eric Miller guilty of killing our Jamey won't undo what was done, it won't bring Jamey back to us no matter how much we may wish it. What I'm looking for in this verdict is closure. It's finally "over", his killer won't get away with it, he won't kill another innocent person, and I can move on through the grieving process.

I feel so much lighter in spirit this afternoon than I have in the past year. Relieved, released from the bondage of grief, reveling in this new sense of rightness.

I don't celebrate at the expense of his family, I don't wish them ill. But their Eric does belong in prison, taking responsibility for the cold-blooded and calculated murder he performed. He devastated our family, I know his own family is hurting too, they're bewildered by why or how he could do such a thing. But, isn't that always the way it goes? Those closest to a killer swear up and down that they're innocent, they'd never suspect him/her of doing such evil things, s/he would be the last person on Earth to do despicable acts to animals or other human beings. Yet, your loved one is capable of evil deeds. We all are, it's part of our human nature, what makes us good or bad people is how we decide to handle those darker urges. What we do with them.

Master doesn't always understand my compassion for others, even those who have wronged me. I just have no place in my heart for hatred anymore. What purpose does it serve? It makes me ill with constant anger, discontent, and thirsting for vengeance. Vengeance won't undo the deed, it won't return lost loved ones, all it does is hurt another human being and gives me more karma to burn off. It's a waste of energy in this girl's book.

To Eric's family, I'm sorry your son did what he did and I'm sorry for the loss you're feeling. However, I am overjoyed for our family, overjoyed that justice, as we see it, has been served. I feel hopeful again, hopeful about the future, and about life in general.

"A Hopi Prayer"

Do not stand

at my grave and weep.

I am not there,

I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow,

I am the diamond glints

on snow.

I am the sunlight

on the ripened grain.

I am the gentle

Autumn's rain.

When you awaken

in hte morning hush,

I am the swift

uplifting rush

of quiet birds in circled flight.

I am the soft stars

that shine at night.

Do not stand

at my grave and cry:

I am not there,

I did not die.

This is where my thoughts are today. The above poem is from a card I'll be mailing to the widow of a family friend who passed away just yesterday. I feel a very strong call back to my Pagan roots. I need to be with Nature in hopes of finding some sort of peace and understanding.

There has been so much death in the last year and I'm not seeing any re-birth, I'm feeling somewhat dead inside myself. Master tells me it is only temporary, hang in there, it will pass. But it's not passing and I'm becoming sadder with each new death. Much like a child I can't seem to comprehend that these people are truly gone from this world, from this life. Whenever I think about them my grief is like a freshly opened wound and hurts as much as it did the very first day.

Much as the poem says, they are still here, that which is remembered lives. If only I could bring myself to remember without the heartache.

The Importance of Boundaries and Consistency

I've realized, over the past few days, just how important having boundaries and consistency in enforcing those boundaries is in a D/s or M/s relationship. The boundaries or rules are an integral part of these types of relationships, without them you've got what? A vanilla romance with some kinky sex? Being inconsistent in enforcing those boundaries or rules brings us right back to the vanilla romance with kinky sex and a confused s-type who doesn't know when or what to obey.

Over the years I've come to understand that I need boundaries and structure to thrive. I need consistency too or else I feel as if I'm just drifting along with no purpose or guidance. These are two of the main ingredients, if you will, of a M/s relationship for me. Sometimes I crave more restrictions than my Master is interested in placing upon me. I have to try to make peace with that and accept his decision or drive myself crazy with craving and being unhappy as a result. I don't feel that leaving him, or seeking another partner, is a viable option. He is my one and only Master and I'm willing to accept his limits as my own in order to be his slave.

But, when he's not on his game and enforcing the rules and boundaries he has laid down I sort of drift away from my game too, then we're both off. I think we both feel the absence of the dynamic but get complacent and we don't talk about it until we've got to do a lot of rowing to get back to shore. That's where we're at right now, rowing back to shore and trying to do it in sync. I'd like to hurry the trip because I'm happy when we're on the same page and both on our games but I need to follow his lead and go at his pace or else I'm just Topping from the bottom, which is just plain old counterproductive.

I'm working on keeping a positive attitude and so far so good. In the past I'd be pessimistic and cynical about the whole thing. We seem to drift off course pretty often but we also get ourselves back on course just as often. I think that's part and parcel of a growing M/s relationship. We have a huge hurdle to jump, that of our history as a married couple. It's so much easier to just be husband and wife, especially when we're tired or in pain, or whatever. During times of stress, illness, or upset we both just slip so easily into husband and wife roles and begin cutting each other slack for the slip.

I wish I could find the one thing that will keep us from making that slip or at least keep us from slipping too far. I asked him yesterday if we could take time together each day to just reconnect. It doesn't have to be fancy, we don't have to engage in SM play, we don't even have to say anything. I'd be happy with him sitting on the bed while I kneel at his feet with my head in his lap for a few moments. We're talking more now and I'm going to do my best to keep talking. I've made some serious effort in this department and have been saying things that in the past I would only write about. Maybe this time we'll stay on course and won't drift as much.

Loss

"You can't read loss, only feel it."

Did I ever feel it on Saturday. Last week was a very rough week and it all hit me Friday night through Saturday afternoon. I was angry, sad, scared, and despairing. I felt sure that because I can no longer submit to heavy impact on my back that I would lose part of my relationship with my Master. I know he needs to play hard and heavy from time to time and I thrilled in being able to serve him in that way while also getting my need for that type of play met. He will play with others to meet that need while mine will have to be suppressed. I'm always so conflicted too, I'm a mass of contradictions. I want to be the serene and selfless slave that only wants her Master's happiness. The one that doesn't feel jealousy and envy is just a mild feeling that breaches the surface of emotions then resubmerges never to be seen again. But I'm not. I'm just me, with all my faults, issues, and baggage. I fear loss. I fear that I'm going to lose more than I can bear to lose.

Not being able to do something doesn't mean that I don't still need it or want it. It just means I have to go without that particular thing and it is painful to watch him give that thing to another. In this case the thing is heavy impact, aka punching. I LOVED being able to play hard with him, it felt so good. I loved being punched, I still do but I am scared that, with the degenerative disc disease, it is dangerous to do any heavy impact even if the spine area is avoided. I found out Monday that I've got a thoracic disc that is bulging forward slightly, it isn't degenerated yet but it is on its way to going bad. I'm concerned that the punching is the cause of this particular disc beginning to bulge.

I'd really fallen into the black pit of despair, mired down in it, almost but not quite wallowing in the muck. I cried it all out, sometimes in Master's arms, sometimes not. He was concerned about taking me to visit the Tribe that night because he wasn't sure if I'd be OK, especially if he decided to play with another person there. After a revelation from him and realizing that I've been a complete pain in the butt, I promised that I would behave and I was true to my word. I wasn't kidding when I said I really want to be selfless. I do want him to be happy and I understand that to be happy he may want, or need, to play with others. I just have trouble with the application of that particular behavior. My emotions get in the way and unfortunately emotions are not always rational, at least mine aren't.

We had a great time together Saturday night. I was well-enough to play and it was wonderful. He pushed me, like he always does, to take what he had to offer. He pushed me to the edge of my control and then beyond until I was a quivering, sobbing, begging, thing, eager to do whatever it would take to end the pain. It was release, sweet cathartic release, and it did me a world of good. It restored my confidence and reassured me that we can still play together. Later on he did indeed play with someone else. It was a group effort and despite my intention to just sit and watch I joined in. The back and forth joking and laughter contrasted with the intense impact play we were engaged in and built some amazing energy. It all ended with our subject laughing and giggling almost uncontrollably. In all, it was amazing and very enjoyable. I hadn't been feeling sadistic at all and I surprised myself, as well as everyone else. Everyone kept talking about how mean I am so I had to get some Happy Bunny socks that say "I'm not mean you're just a sissy". *grins*

My life has never been easy so it would be silly to expect it to start being easy now. But, I can be silly from time to time and I'm thankful that I have people around me who will give me a "gentle" nudge to knock it off.

Scared

Today is the day. I see the surgeons and I'm scared. I'm scared they'll say no to surgery and I'm scared they'll say yes. One answer will crush my hopes and the other will terrify me to my core. In just a few short hours I will know one way or the other if I'll be having surgery. I hope too that I'll know when if they decide to do it. I should be working on my list of questions to ask them but my mind is blank. All I can do is sit here, do my work, and hope I can remain calm enough to make it through the work day.

I'm at once impatient and not. I'd like time to go by so I can get this over with. Much like a band-aid, just rip it off so it's over quickly. I've done so much waiting that I'm tired of it but it doesn't seem like such a bad thing this morning.

I can't help but worry about how surgery will change my life, both bad and good. Success or failure, my life will be forever changed as will the lives of my partners in the way they relate to me.

Master and I haven't been Master and slave in much more than name for far too long. Of course he still has the final say and I still obey him but I don't serve much, he doesn't ask much, and he doesn't hold me accountable very often. A failed surgery and that may become a permanent situation. The thought of that possibility fills me with despair and I shy away from the thoughts.

A successful surgery should improve things, I should be able to serve him as I once did, I should have a lot less pain and would then be able for SM play again. I'm afraid to hope.

Goofs

Last night I goofed, in front of HRS. Alan told me to do something and I immediately responded with "Yes Sir" as soon as it was out of my mouth I was correcting it with "Dear". I don't know which was worse but she didn't comment about it. It just seems to me that making the hasty correction like I did might have given her the idea that I was hiding something. In reality, yes I am hiding something from her, the entirety of my relationship with her father but that's for her own good. She's still at the age where boys are gross and she has no interest in relationships and she definitely doesn't want to know any intimate details about her parents' relationship.

Maybe I should have just stuck with the "Sir" and let it alone. At worst she'd have thought I was weird or at best that I was just kidding around, which I do a lot.

True Dreams

I woke up from a horrible nightmare yesterday morning. It felt so real that until I was well and truly awake it felt like it was true. I'd been dreaming about going out for ice cream with my youngest, my sister and her kids. I was having an especially nice time with my youngest nephew in particular, we had a great chat and lots of giggles. I return to my mother's house to find her sitting in the living room bawling. Immediately I know something is terribly wrong. I'm finally able to get out of her that my youngest nephew was killed in a car accident shortly after our visit together. He'd been riding in a car and talking about the fun he'd had and that it was the best day ever and that the only thing that would make it better would be taking a walk. The drivers (unknown) had to pull over on the side of the road for some reason. A vehicle veered off the road and hit the car on the side my nephew was sitting on, killing him instantly.

The dream felt so real that I was almost afraid to call my sister, I didn't want to find out I'd dreamed true. I've had true dreams before, none so prophetic or catastrophic. Mostly just dreaming of places I've never been to then visiting them and feeling a very strong sense of deja vu, or a conversation or event that hadn't happened and feeling that same sense of deja vu when it does take place. So yes, I'll admit I was spooked for a while. I'm still feeling a bit skittish and off-kilter today. I haven't seen this nephew in a long time and it could be that the dream is indicating a loss of contact with him. It could even be a wake-up call that I need to make an effort to see him.

Either way, I hate dreams like this.

Blank

I wish I had something good to write about. We don't have hot or sexy SM scenes. The M/s is still there but not in any fun sexy ways. Yesterday I was in the midst of a 48 hour long panic/anxiety attack. He had to be tough with me and made me clean myself up and go to the store with him. Had I been given the choice I'd have stayed home curled up in my nest of pillows and blankets. But no matter how crazy I am, the drive to obey him is always present.

I've fantasized about scenes I'd love...such as him coming home to find his lil girl lying on her tummy on the bed, coloring in her favorite coloring book, her pigtails bouncing in time with the swinging of her legs. She squeals "Daddy!!" when he walks in, stands up on the bed to give him a big sloppy kiss and monster hug. She shows him her picture and tells him about how she's got a funny ache between her legs....He talks to his little girl about the feelings she's having, explaining how special they are and that she can only share them with her Daddy as he explores her body.

Or he orders me upstairs, naked, and kneeling waiting for him. He enters the room, grabs a fistfull of my hair and leads me, crawling, to the bathroom. He stops me next to the commode with the command to kneel up and stay. He pulls his penis out to urinate into the commode. Just as he's finishing he saves a little bit, turns, orders me to open my mouth and finishes urinating in my mouth, expecting me to swallow and clean his cock off. He stands me up then and feels the soaking wetness between my legs from being used that way. He then leads me to the bed, bends me over and gives me a thorough spanking for enjoying it so much, after which he has me kneel and suck his cock until he decides to f*ck me.

*sigh*

A fertile imaginiation and all it does is torture me with things I can't seem to get right now.

I Miss It

It feels like ages since Master and I have played and I really miss it. Sometimes I crave chocolate so badly that I can almost taste it. I'm craving a spanking in the same way. I want to whimper and beg when Master teases me with a light swat on the behind. There have been instances where I have stuck my bottom out, inviting more. It's always a tease, because he hasn't been able to give me a proper spanking. We rarely have time to ourselves and when we do we're both too tired to do a thing about it.

The reality of 24/7 M/s isn't nearly as fun as the fantasy. I'd give quite a bit to be able to live some of the fantasy. Okay, that's not true, I can't back that up. It just seems like we had the ideal life and we've lost it somewhere along the way.

And yet, my feelings are mixed. Once upon a time I served my Master domestically, sexually, and we played fairly regularly. Only, I struggled a lot with obedience and surrender. I've changed in the last few months. For the better I think. I feel surrendered to him, I love serving him as I'm able and I feel sad when there is something I can't do for him. I feel a calmness inside that wasn't there before. I wouldn't want to have the life we did have at the expense of this change, this calmness. I would like to find a way to have both, to keep this calmness and state of surrender while re-incorporating the life we had, thus creating an improved, more complete M/s relationship.

Sometimes the prospect seems improbable, there are so many challenges facing us right now and I wonder if we'll be able to overcome all of them. I wonder too if he misses what we had and if he wants it back. He never says one way or the other so I never know what's going on behind those laughing eyes. Do you miss the SM Master? Do you miss the way things were? Do you long for a return to what we once had or an improvement on it like I do? Do you miss being served to the extent you once were? Do you miss the ritual we did when I got home from work? I do. I miss it all, I want it all back, somehow.

Epiphanies Blog Entry 8/23/07

Hello again.  Long time no type eh?  Life has been a bit hectic lately what with getting testing done and trying to get a consultation with the neurosurgeons scheduled.  I'm one step closer to hopefully getting this old back of mine fixed.  I have a consultation scheduled for the first of October.  Patience, I'm trying to make that my middle name but it isn't working so well.  I want it all done, now, now, now.  Too bad the doctors don't agree with me huh?

 

This week has been one filled with epiphanies, or what I like to call 2x4 moments.  You know, it's that point in time when it feels as if the Universe has just whacked you up along side the head with a 2x4 giving you a clarity you'd been struggling toward.

 

Yep, that's me, beat up with the Universe's 2x4 and a few things are clear as a bell.  It's funny how you know something but don't know it, know what I mean?  For instance, I know my mother favored my youngest sister over me and that she never really gave me approval, affection, or love.  But I didn't know it in a way that gave me insight into certain insecurities and dysfunctions of mine, insight into their origins.

 

While reading and attempting to craft a response to a question about jealousy it hit me (the 2x4).  All of this jealousy and insecurity started when I was a child.  I spent my early childhood attempting to jump through impossible hoops to earn approval and love that should have been given unconditionally and being compared to my youngest sister and coming up short every time.  Mom made it clear early on that she didn't want me and that she adored my sister.  She was her "social butterfly".  I was only a good child if I was neither seen nor heard.  I got praised for being quiet and shy so I perfected that.  People didn't know I existed until I hit my teen years, then all the anger that had built up over the years sort of boiled over into a rebellion that lasted for many years.

 

Still... knowing all this, knowing where it started, how it started, and why doesn't give me the first clue in dismantling the dysfunction and insecurities.  I've got love, real love, given freely and abundantly, but I'm scared to lose it.  I still suffer those feelings of being unworthy, undeserving, and not good enough even though I try to counter them with positives when I feel threatened.  What makes me feel threatened?  The idea or possibility that someone else may be given attention and love that I territorially think of as "mine".

 

You'd think that as self-aware as I am I'd be able to "fix" this problem wouldn't you?  Master does, sort of.  He believes I should feel more than secure and I agree with him.  I should feel secure in his love and with my position in his life and I do, unless a situation comes up where another individual earns some of his attention (sexual or emotional).  Then I feel as if the rug has been pulled out from beneath me, I start feeling physically ill, and I panic.  Hmm, how to fix that?  Still working on that answer.

 

I'm certain though that knowing the origins of all of this will help me somehow.  I can't help but wonder though, am I psychologically and emotionally damaged due to what my mother did?  Will it always be a struggle with me?  Only time will tell.

 

Epiphany #2

 

I think I've stated it here before, that I just cannot attain the "flying" sub space that lots of folks talk about.  I have a theory that this type of sub space is a mild form of disassociation, among other things.

 

I am unable to disassociate and up until Monday I thought I'd never been able to, ever.  On Monday it just hit me that in elementary school, grade 3 I think, I was majorly disassociating from life.  In the middle of a class, instead of doing my school work I'd play in my fantasy world.  I lived in my head, I had a very vivid imagination and was happy there.  It was so severe that they sent me to a special school that included regular therapy sessions.  I learned through the experience that disassociating was bad.  Ever since then I've been unable to do it.  I am always mentally present, even when being somewhere else would be/have been a blessing.

 

I thought, for a long time that I was broken somehow.  I thought maybe I was doing "it" wrong.  Even after reading the article at leatherNroses.com about not "flying" I still felt uncomfortable about the way I process pain play.  I realize now that I'm not broken, just overly dramatic. *wry grins*  Not flying makes me a perfect match for my Master who likes my responsiveness.  During S/m play we create a space together, we build energy together, it ebbs and flows between us.  I don't know how well that would work if I were somehow disconnected, even a tiny bit, from the entire experience.  I love being able to push myself to take more for him and then revel in the afterglow as we cuddle together.  So, enough of this "grass is greener" thinking.  My grass is a lovely shade of green and it's about time I start appreciating it. 

Vivid

My head falls back, eyes beginning to roll back as my eyelids flutter closed, my womb clenches, labia swelling and tingling as moisture starts to seep from within. My memory is vivid, remembered pleasure at Master's hands, so vivid that I can almost feel it again and again with each remembering. The memory overtakes me, my body begins to writhe, my fingers and toes clench, even as I drive, I have to fight my body's natural reactions, fight to remain focused on the present..

I thrill with the remembered feeling of his swollen cock thrusting deeply into me, the large head rubbing every sensitive spot inside, filling me with an aching need for a release that may be days away...my breathing quickens as I recall the sight of him kneeling over me, his hands gripping my flesh, pulling me to him even as he thrusts into me, his eyes locked on me as he strives toward his release, revelling in the sensations... his pace quickens, I feel my hips rocking back and forth as if he were inside me at this very moment, his release is close...

Another memory, no less vivid... lying on my back, legs spread, Master sitting between my legs, his hard cock resting against my foot, fingers inside me, exploring, rubbing, pulling, pushing, my muscles clench around his fingers as if to hold him there forever... I feel my nipples harden, remembering the sheer ecstasy of imminent release... a tingling deep inside spreading outward, engulfing my whole body, head rocking back and forth, hips rising up from the bed thrusting against his hand needing more, hand clawing at the air then the bedsheets as the orgasm rolls over me like a tsunami, unstoppable, a force of nature that leaves me drenched and limp after..

I remember so vividly that I feel it again, and again, and again, desire building upon desire.

Holding Pattern

7/16/07

Right now we're living in a holding pattern. I sent my supervisor a detailed e-mail last week about my situation and the need for surgery. She forwarded it on to our manager and we were to talk about it this week. Unfortunately he had a family tragedy come up this week and has been out of the office all week. So, I'm waiting to find out if I'll lose my job if I have surgery before I've worked here a full year.

-----update 7/20/07------

It's the following week and I'm set to speak with my manager tomorrow about my situation. I'm nervous about getting my hopes up only to have them dashed. The pessimist in me says that tomorrow he's going to tell me that it'd be better to wait until I've worked here a year.

-----update 7/24/07-----

Well, we met this morning and I've got the green light to get started planning for surgery. I was really surprised at the reception I got. They like me, they like the work I do, and they really appreciate me. I felt my head swelling larger and larger with each compliment. lol


Actually it did feel good to get that kind of praise. I do work very hard and push myself to work hard even when I'm in pain or having a horrible day.


So, no more waiting to find out if I can start planning. Now it's waiting to get appointments made and paperwork filled out. Yippee! Yeah, that's me excited about painful tests and excruciating paperwork. What I'm really excited about is the possibility of FINALLY getting my back fixed! I want to have a life again. I want to be able to do something on the weekends other than lay around, sleep, and be in pain. I want to enjoy my evenings with my family instead of eating dinner and passing out in front of the TV. I want to have more sex with my Master instead of putting it off because I'm exhausted or in pain. The same goes for SM play too. I really miss SM, I miss serving in ways other than bringing home a paycheck.


These past several months have been rough and Master has worked hard to prevent me from dwelling on the negatives. We've got a lot of hard work ahead of us still but hopefully we'll see a day where my pain is at least drastically reduced, if not eliminated altogether.


----Update 7/25/07-----

On 8/9/07 I will have a discogram (really isn't as fun as it may sound) and then will be referred on to speak with a surgeon. It finally hit me yesterday after I made the appointment. It's real. I'm really going to do this, no more talking about it. I had a few moments of panic, more than a few really. I felt sick to my stomach and trapped. I just wanted to run home and curl up on the couch with my favorite blankie and watch Shrek. The panic passed and I started focusing on planning and getting the ducks all in a row with insurance, etc.

Last night, in bed, Master and I talked about the possibilities. I shared my fears and it felt good to say them out loud. I'm terrified of something going horribly wrong and ending up in a wheelchair. I'm also scared that we're going to find out that the nerve damage is more extensive once the pressure on the nerves is relieved. Master still thinks I'm focusing on the negatives but I hope he understands, at least a little bit, that I'm just trying to be realistic. The things I'm afraid of are real possibilities, even if some are remote. Given my track record and health, I don't seem to have the best of luck so yes, I do think about what could go wrong.

Master did make a good point, one I don't like but is no less true, my back pain issues are my fault to some degree. As Master says, "your body is a temple and yours has been littered". I can accept and own that. I guess it's time to clean up the temple a bit, redecorate, maybe a little landscaping too. That's what this surgery will mean for me, it is a step toward changing my landscape (weight, physical fitness).

Rolling With the Punches

It seems like I'm back to square one and I'm frustrated by it. The pain is back in full-force; it feels like things are getting worse. I cannot serve as much as I did, he rarely asks me to do anything for him now. He compensates by doing everything for himself and doing all the housework himself too. I hate it. I love that he's so understanding and accepts my limitations for what they are and adapts to them. I am grateful to him for this. I just hate the necessity of it all. Mostly, I hate the pain and I hate that it has such control over me and my life despite all my best efforts to push beyond it. I am sleepy almost constantly, I fall asleep almost immediately after dinner some nights. On the weekends I wake late and nap within hours of waking. I hate this most of all, it feels as if I'm sleeping my life away. Yuck.

Soon we'll begin to explore the options, soon. But can I hold on for another month, two, maybe three? Yes, I can. When there is no other choice you just grit your teeth and gut it out. Do what you can with what you've got.

I am very thankful to have Master in my life. He walks through these rough spots with me, carrying me when I cannot walk, making me walk when I can but am afraid to, and encouraging me every step of the way.

In the next month or two I'm going to need Master's strength and discipline to shed the pounds I've gained back. I need to begin to swim regularly too, I'm hoping he can encourage me to do so. I'm going to have to enlist the support of HRS in this one, she's a swim fanatic so it shouldn't be too hard to get her to keep at me. Once I'm in the pool I'm happy to be there, it's just getting me there that's difficult.

This stuff, this day to day stuff is what no one thinks about when they're thinking about D/s or M/s relationships. In a 24/7 D/s or M/s relationship it is much the same as a marriage, in sickness and in health, through good times and bad. You have to roll with the punches and through it all, work to maintain the type of relationship you've cultivated instead of letting it go to weeds because of the rough times.

Bursting With It...

I am, bursting with it, really. What is it? Pride. I'm bursting with pride. Our oldest daughter has officially graduated and earned her high school diploma. She didn't do it the traditional way but still she did it. Last night was her graduation ceremony and I sat there clapping loudly for her as she walked across the stage and accepted her diploma. When they had the graduates stand and face the audience and said "I now present you with the 2007 graduates" the clapping and cheering was deafening. My eyes were filled with tears as she smiled happily up at us.

She did it, we didn't have anything to do with it, this was all her. She's a spectacular girl.

There were a few poignant moments during the ceremony. The most moving was when a student who passed away just a month after earning his diploma was honored. They awarded his diploma, posthumously, to his mother. It was touching and heartwrenching all in one. I thought it was wonderful that they honored him in that way but I was sad for her loss. I'm still a little misty today just thinking about it.

It was funny, the guest speaker used a children's book as the focus of her speech. She used the sequel to The Little Engine That Could, I Knew You Could. The story talks about hills and valleys and how hard things may be but how good they can be too. It was ironic, she said something Master always says, without the bad we wouldn't know what good was. I hope LMR (Little Miss Raincloud, who isn't so rainy anymore) took some of that speech to heart, I know I did.

So here I am this morning, proud mother of a high school graduate. There were times I thought it was never going to happen. There were even times I thought I didn't care anymore because I was so frustrated with her. She's like water our LMR, she carves her own way where it looks like there is none instead of taking the well-travelled path.

Watch Out...

"Gobble, gobble, gobble! It's just words darling!" Have you ever noticed that people use too many words? They take forever to get to the point and say what they mean. It's maddening. Really. I've been grumpy this week and my tolerance for people who are stuck on stupid has plummeted to next to nil.


I'm coming to the realization that I may not have a choice, I may not get to put off surgery until the first of next year. Time will tell but all the early signs are pointing to a developing tolerance to the higher dosage of pain medication. This realization is behind my grumpiness. Okay, that and some serious sex and SM cravings. We've had a bit of a drought due to Master working all month long and my higher pain levels. These things just don't contribute to an amorous environment.

I'm frustrated and stressed. Master says focus on the positive so I try. I try to not let the pain and exhaustion get me down and that isn't always easy. I get so worn down that my emotions get frayed and my control over them is less than optimal. I'd get more rest if I could but if I go to bed any earlier I may as well give up life all together. I barely spend any time with Master and HRS as it is. I'm already going to bed at 9:00, sometimes as early as 8 or 8:30 if I've fallen asleep watching TV. Sometimes I feel like a little kid. I don't want to go to bed early, I want to stay up because I don't want to miss the fun, whatever that might be.

So that's where I am today. I'm still working on getting pictures of Master's collar so I can share here. It's been a blessing. Master has incorporated it into helping me not binge on junk foods. Whenever I have the urge I'm to touch his collar and remember who owns me and who makes the rules. So far so good.

Surprise!

He got me good on Wednesday. With a surprise that is. He was out on the patio cooking our dinner and I came out to visit him only to find him sitting at our new 3 piece patio set with a pleased Cheshire Cat smile on his face.


I love when he surprises me like that. It's just so obvious that he genuinely enjoys being able to get gifts for me/us and to surprise me with them. The smile in his eyes is a gift all by itself, it's one I spent many years longing to see. I'm overjoyed to see it now and often. My heart felt bursting with love as I watched him grin and wiggle with delight over the surprise.

We've enjoyed evenings just sitting out there while he grills our dinner after I get home from work. I'm looking forward to my first weekend of being able to enjoy breakfast on the patio in the morning sunshine. I've become a sunshine junkie in some ways. I crave it and I make sure to soak up a little every day if I can. I take pleasure in the feel of it on my skin with a fresh breeze blowing through my hair. If you take the time you can really smell life in the air at this time of year. It smells of fresh earth and green things growing, heaven.

So yeah, I'm looking forward to lots of patio time this summer and fall. Master even got us a bug zapper so our evenings won't be plagued with flying biting things. He calls it cheap entertainment. lol

Mindful

Today I am ever mindful of my status. As I stepped off the elevator I touched the base of my throat and thought to myself "My Master is with me."

Yesterday Master gifted me with a daily collar that he made for me out of hematite & silver metal beads. It is beautiful, to say the least. The light weight of it is a constant reminder of its presence, and his. I have to agree with Master (even if it is a bit vain of me) it looks lovely around my neck. It feels good there, a solid yet gentle weight, putting me in mind of his hand as he holds onto the back of my neck while sitting together somewhere or even while walking through a store.

Hematite is special to him. He had a necklace, a claw holding a ball of hematite just a bit smaller than a marble. He wore that necklace for many, many years. When he was deep in thought he'd fondle the hematite stone, rolling it between his fingers. He felt naked and panicked if he forgot to put it on, thinking he'd lost it. We're both believers in energy and objects collecting energy. A bit of his energy is stored in that necklace and it now rests with his youngest brother. He placed it with him during the family's private viewing, next to his heart for safekeeping. So, he chose Hematite for his slave's collar making it himself and imbuing it with some of his energy.

He presented it to me yesterday when I got home from work and after he sized it, he finished it and placed it around my neck. It comes off only at bedtime and goes right back on after I've showered for the day.

I feel him with me through the collar and I am comforted by it. I feel very honored that he chose a stone for this collar that is so significant to him. Looking into his eyes yesterday it seemed that the collar is very meaningful to him too. He would look at me while stroking my neck and the collar, his eyes brimming with love and affection, smiling and not saying a word.

Making a daily collar for me had a bonus side effect too, Master has found that he enjoys jewelry making. He's planning a matching bracelet to my collar and will be making a bracelet for HRS, at her request. I'm happy that he's found a creative outlet that he enjoys so much. We now have one more commonality, which can't help but make me happy.