Skittish and Scared

"Have faith" he says. As if it were done as simply as saying it.

More change is afoot and change scares the crap out of me. It's unknown, uncontrollable, and not always good. It's not always bad either but one never knows til it happens does one?

No longer shall I request SM play with Sir but simply let him know if I feel I'm in need and trust that between him and Master that need may be met. A request is a demand, at least the way I phrase it it is.

No longer will I request to spend time with Sir, he will decide if he has time and will let me know when we can make plans. A request, again, is a demand in the way I've been phrasing things.

These are just two changes being made hopefully for the betterment of our relationship(s). Sir has been feeling backed into the corner because of my crazy and my response to being disappointed or upset. I have a lot to prove to him; a lot of work ahead of me to earn his trust back.

I'm scared of letting go and not asking for what I think I need. What happens if I do this and my needs go unmet indefinitely in favor of theirs? I know, slave=needs come after theirs, but it still scares me. I'm rather shaky right now. I feel as if I could shake apart if there weren't glue and duct tape holding me together.

I don't know if I will see Sir this week, the week is obviously young but the weather is supposed to be nasty for most of this week. I may not see him at all. That thought makes me sad. Not normal sad but cry-into-my-pillows-for-days-sad. It's likely disproportionate to the situation but knowing that doesn't make the reaction any different or less intense. Sir, if you're reading this please know it is not an attempt at manipulation.. I need you to understand this is my safe place to talk, vent, work things out in my head, and yes even whine sometimes.

Trust is a touchy thing for me, touchier still because Master kind of slacked off for a long time on his end. I started slacking too, so we both slacked and we're trying to get back on track. However, that doesn't mean it's easy for me to trust that he will be consistent and that he won't let me drift again. I'm supposed to trust that Sir will make time for me when he can, it's the "when he can" that trips me up. It's so uncertain and leaves so much room for whatever... I don't know what I'm trying to say here. It's just so uncertain and unstructured. I need structure to feel safe and secure; to even be able to relax and let go the death grip I have on self-protection. I'm supposed to trust that they will take care of me if I let them and stop pushing for my needs over theirs. Trust... I hate the need for it, I loathe my inability to do so easily.

I always thought I was asking for my needs in addition to theirs but I was wrong. My overly emotional reactions have pushed them into corners where they fear to push too hard, just in case. What a slave I am... not.

Faith? I don't know how to do that. Gods help me figure it out.

My Crazy Family

Crazy like mine usually runs in families. It’s genetic, comforting eh? My children and grandchildren could develop it too. At least one of my children has crazy like mine only worse. If this child would seek help as I’ve begged him to do, he’d be so much happier.

Crazy started with the mother, could be further back but that’s as much as I know. She is Bipolar with a few sides, one being Borderline Personality Disorder.

My sister was just diagnosed as Bipoloar Level 2 the other day.

I went to the NIMH (National Institute for Mental Health) Web site in search of some answers and reading the symptoms for Bipolar disorder/Manic Depression was like reading about my own life. I’m not as extreme in some areas but can be more extreme in others. I’ve never been given an official diagnosis, I’ve never asked, and have only recently begun to be more honest and forthcoming with important information with my shrink. Perhaps with the new information she has a diagnosis now, or perhaps she doesn’t believe in diagnoses. I can only ask.

My very first “episode” I can remember is when my grandmother died. I was around seven years old. I broke with reality instead of accepting her death or coping with it in any way. I moved into my own reality and lived there quite firmly and happily until I was sent to my first shrink and therapist and “therapy school”. They trained the ability to disassociate right out of me. But I was functioning again, sort of.

All through my life I’ve had panic/anxiety attacks, bouts of depression and mania in various forms. In my early teens I started self-mutilation as a means of coping with impossible situations. That has evolved into cutting. The last episode was a suicide attempt/cry for help. My moods have always been mercurial, changing at a drop of a hat and disproportionate to the situation.

My crazy seems to be getting worse or more intense…I’m not sure what to call it. All I know is I need a concrete point to work from so I can learn to manage whatever this is so I can at least function in my personal life, if nowhere else.

The Men have stuck by my side through all of this and still somehow love and care for me. One would think after decades of this they’d want to be rid of me, but they’re not the types to quit and the Gods know I’m extremely thankful for this quality in both Men.

I do think that dealing with mental illness in O/p, M/s, or D/s relationships is different from dealing with mental illness in vanilla relationships. Maybe I’m wrong in this thinking, wouldn’t be the first time I’ve been wrong. lol But it seems to me that my crazy, anyway, can rob my Owners of the ability to own or enforce their will on their property. This is in addition to the usual relationship issues my crazy causes.

These are just a few thoughts running through my head right now as I process all the new information and memories I’d put out of sight.

Ever wonder who you are? Sometimes I do. Sometimes I don’t. There is ‘me’ and ‘not me’ as far as Sir and Master are concerned. I’m inclined to agree with them. ‘Not me’ is cold, extremely selfish, heartless, angry, sad, violent, and sometimes suicidal (usually passively). ‘Not me’ takes all of this out on either Sir or Master, wrongly. I know it sounds like I’m talking about different personalities and in many ways they are but they’re still part of the whole, not splintered bits.

She Got a Pearl Necklace....

Master has been talking for a while about buying me a new collar. Something I can wear daily, anywhere, anytime.

I tried to remain stoic, usually keeping surprises drives him batty and much like a little kid he gets so excited about giving gifts that he wants to tell all and give the gift immediately. So yes, I teased him a bit and didn't admit curiosity, didn't ask questions. I can't help it 'sadist' is part of my kink make up too. lol

Eventually curiosity got me and I let the excitement show. I couldn't wait for it to arrive. I wanted to know but I wanted the surprise more so I didn't press for answers. He drew it out even after the collar arrived. He took me upstairs and had me sit on the bed while he opened it, very stealthily. Then, with collar hidden in his hand, he came toward me and showed me as he placed it around my neck.

A blushing pink pearl necklace. Real pearls!! I feel so classy and classic wearing them. They fit so well too, right around the base of my neck like his hand holding me.

My love affair with pearls started after watching Julie & Julia, one of my absolute favorite movies ever, and I developed an obsession. I looked at pearls everywhere and talked about wanting pearls often. Why pink? It's become my favorite color and I get just about everything in pink that I can.

Master listened and heard and decided to spoil his slave. Yeah, I know, spoiled rotten but I love being Daddy's princess.

Fixing Me

So we all know I battle depression and panic/anxiety (if we didn't know this we know now). I've been trying for a long time to heal myself and pull up out of the mire of mental illness. My methods weren't working. Since August I've been getting (I believe) progressively worse.

I've had more bouts of what I call mania, Sir calls it obsession. I get this manic energy and latch onto an issue and I can't seem to let go despite knowing my behavior is out of control and not wanting to be that way. It isn't me. Sir has said that it isn't me many times, I agree, it is so not me or the me I want to be.

So I'm trying Sir's way in the hope that he's right and it will work. I trust him and see the way he reacts to everything and want to be able to react with such a positive attitude and outlook on life.

So I'm currently reading a book called Don't Sweat The Small Stuff: and it's all small stuff It could have been written by Sir, I swear there are phrases in there he's said to me more than once. It's eerie but that tells me he's onto something and I need to listen and pay attention. I'm trying to put it into practice as I read it even if I'm not always successful. I feel calmer and more positive on days when I am successful. I like who I am on these days and this is the person I want to be every day. Calm, respectful, unruffled by the small stuff, relaxed, and happy. Most of all, happy.

In addition to the book(s) I'm reading, I'm also seeing my shrink and therapist more regularly and I have support to help keep me honest. The support feels good and isn't at all the nightmare I thought it would be (past issues). We're also working on creating a daily schedule for me, which includes time for meditation, slave devotional, exercise, and hobby/fun stuff. It also includes some things to get and keep my physical health on track too. I thrive with structure despite fighting it at times. I would have done well in the military had I not had an authority issue. ;-)

I'm about 50% in line with the schedule but it has only been in effect since Wednesday. I will get 100% in line within the next week. I need to because my mental and physical well-being, as well as my relationships, depend on it.

If I were to have a message it would be don't neglect your mental health it will affect your relationships whether they be vanilla or M/s. It's really difficult to be submissive when your mind is cluttered with chaos.

During my out of control periods I have hurt my Masters deeply and it's not something you can take back no matter how much you wish you could.

Needs

We all have them right? We all think our needs are important, true? But are our needs more important than those of a significant other? Or a friend? Or even a stranger?

I say it depends on the need, if I need shelter, food, or clothing, those are going to come before anyone else's need for a hug, or something else less critical to survival.

I've learned this lesson the hard way and am damn lucky I didn't lose either Master in the process. I'll say it til the day I die, I am blessed to have two very wonderful men in my life who love and cherish me and want to see me succeed and be happy. I'm even more blessed that they chose me to serve them as their slave.

However, I'm SO not even close to perfect. Some days I don't even think I'm good. I'm told that I am good so I won't argue the point. Rule #1, don't argue with your Master.

For a while now I've been putting my various needs above Sir's need to be able to be on time to things that are highly important to him, to be able to arrive safely at a destination in bad weather, or even sleep he desperately needed. I've done the same thing with Master too, and then I have what amounts to a temper tantrum when I don't get what I think I need.

I've been an energy vampire in a very bad way. So NOT good slave behavior. Master sat me down last week and had a bit of a talk with me about my purpose and my place. Somehow I got lost while the World was upside down for me. I forgot my purpose and my place. I started acting like a domineering b*tch, if you want to know the truth, and that really isn't me. It is a dark part of me yes, but it's something I strive daily to keep in the dark. I genuinely care about others and want to see them safe and happy. More so with my Masters. I want them safe and happy, I want to do good and right by them. I want them to feel like the most special and cherished men in the whole World because they are my World.

Sir says it's almost like I have had a split personality issue going on because of this dark side of me that isn't the real me. He is right in a lot of ways. It isn't the me that is out most often and it didn't used to get out that often at all. I don't know if I should blame it on my crazy (mental health issues) or if it's due to feeling like the World has been upside down since August due to relationship and life issues, because it has gotten out more and more frequently and with more malice since then.

However, back on point, the main issue is me putting my needs before theirs and often these are frivolous needs. Such as the need to resolve an issue instead of tabling it until there is more time to discuss it. This is very selfish, as a slave that type of "need" is secondary to my Masters' needs.

Master reminded me that as a slave my purpose and responsibility is to be here for my Masters, to make their lives easier, not to make their lives harder by being an energy vampire. In all honesty I haven't given much in return and I feel ashamed of myself.

Last night I caught myself doing it again, once Master gave me "the look" I realized what I was doing and reeled myself in.

I know some people will say that a slave, or submissive's needs are just as important as a Master or Dominant's. I disagree. Yes my basic needs such as food, clothing, and shelter are as important, without these things I cannot serve my Masters properly. Beyond that, sometimes my other needs, such as SM, have to take a backseat to their needs. Not only due to being their slave but also because that is just what you do in relationships. There is give and take. Sometimes you do a lot of giving and get very little in return, sometimes for a while, sometimes just for a short time. And then sometimes things reverse or they end up balanced.

I'm relearning how to be a proper slave and finding my service-mind again. Now that I am aware of it, I will no longer be an energy vampire. Being such, makes me no better than a parasite, in my mind, and is definitely not (again in my mind) slave behavior.

I still want to be the very best slave I can be and I am thankful my Masters are taking the time to work with me instead of giving up because it's just too much work.

Progress-Nicked From FetLife

The general question asked was about progress through process. Process being the many, or few, steps needed to achieve a certain behavior modification, etc. in one's slave/property.

I see my Sir as the type to achieve progress through process. And there is a LOT of process with me. That is actually one thing I'm seriously working on, being less work, and taking less of his energy to "deal with". In my mind this is part of being a good slave, not being high maintenance, which I have been.

Back on point, Sir is much like a Pitbull (though he's described me as such as well lol). He won't let go of an issue or behavior until he's gotten through to me and we've worked it out. He won't remain silent and just let me run roughshod over him (thank the Gods!) but he's not forceful about it either, however he is relentless. If he thinks it's important he won't let it go and I think it's an admirable quality, even if I do fight against it at times, trying to re-establish some of my freedom, which I really don't want but seem to need when I feel cornered.

We've had an issue for quite some time now, we're at different points on the SM spectrum and for a long time he has been trying to show me that the way I act when I'm in extreme need of some heavy SM (for whatever reason), it appears unhealthy, as if my need for SM controls my life. I couldn't see it. It took the opinions of two different people who have varying depth of knowledge of my personality. But both opinions were very similar and both echoed what Sir has been saying for quite some time now. If he hadn't kept on it and on me I would never have gotten to the point of questioning myself and my behavior in this area.

It has been a long process but I finally understand and, having a degree of OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder), I have to admit that yes I do get somewhat obsessive about SM when I'm feeling stressed, lost, or at loose ends. I owe Sir an apology for arguing with him over it all this time and engaging in "trench warfare" over it.

Sir, I'm sorry.

In general I think I, myself, am a progress through process type of person. I take time and steps to get to whatever goal is set for me, or that I set for myself.

"Normal" Or "Abby Normal"?

How much SM should a masochist need in a given month? Really, is there a "should" or a "limit" to what is acceptable need?

What if said masochist hasn't had SM play for a couple of months and gets a bit frenzied about wanting to play again? Is that unhealthy? Does it mean it's too extreme and running said masochist's life?

Definition from Dictionary.com:

mas·och·ism

   /ˈmæsəˌkɪzəm, ˈmæz-/ Show Spelled[mas-uh-kiz-uhm, maz-] Show IPA

–noun

1.

Psychiatry . the condition in which sexual gratification depends on suffering, physical pain, and humiliation.

2.

gratification gained from pain, deprivation, degradation, etc., inflicted or imposed on oneself, either as a result of one's own actions or the actions of others, esp. the tendency to seek this form of gratification.

3.

the act of turning one's destructive tendencies inward or upon oneself.

4.

the tendency to find pleasure in self-denial, submissiveness, etc.

I'm starting to question myself and my masochism and wonder if there's something wrong with me. My Sir thinks I'm unhealthy because if it's been a while I do get frenzied and crave to play to a point where I'm wanting extreme pain play. It was never a problem in the past, Alan was always able to meet my need because it suited his own at the time. Thus he accepted me as I was and didn't think there was anything wrong with me. He still doesn't even though his path has changed some.

My Sir doesn't seem to be able to accept my masochism needs because they are a bit beyond his own comfort zone. I sometimes wonder if this is why he judges me as unhealthy when I get frenzied about pain play.

Now though, now I'm just wondering if there's something wrong with me. I'm questioning that which I accepted in myself before as being normal, the way I'm wired. I've been actively masochistic since I was 13 or 14. I'm nearly 40 now, so it's been a long time, to say the least.

I'd ask my shrink but I'm guessing her response would be "none is normal". My therapist is so vanilla I think she'd suggest I go into inpatient treatment if I mentioned it to her. I need to know from other masochists, from sadists even. People who understand this need.

I don't like being unsure of myself, I really don't like questioning myself. I was happy and content with just accepting myself and not thinking there was something wrong with me. Now I wonder.

Angsty, Cranky, and Frustrated

I know, beyond a doubt, that this will come across as selfish on my part. But this is my blog and I get to vent my frustrations over lack of needs being met if I want to. So nyah.

I have the two most wonderful men in the World who love me and want to see me happy. I'm grateful for them being in my life and wouldn't change that, ever.

But one's path has diverged from the path we were on and SM isn't in the cards for some time, if ever again. Definitely not to the edges we used to love playing on as far as I know.

The other has no real need for SM so is quite happy to go without it.

Here I am in the middle, masochist with a voracious appetite feeling like I'm starving to death. Sometimes I am almost willing to risk injury just to get that need met. Talk about stupid and unhealthy thinking.

Sometimes I think I'd be better off trying to kill off the masochist, I just don't know how one goes about doing that. It's not like I can turn it off with a flick of a switch. If I could I would, believe me. I'm tired of being frustrated. I don't even get orgasms because either my business downstairs has chosen that moment to be dysfunctional, or I'm too busy worrying about time and then the downstairs business goes dysfunctional and I quit in frustration and irritation.

I guess I've got a double whammy going on in the frustration department. I should just suck it up and deal with it and quit complaining.

Things used to work and I don't know where it all went pear-shaped. It just stopped working one day. Maybe it was the path divergence, maybe it was me, I don't know. I just know I'm miserable and frustrated and feel desperate to fix it somehow.

New Master

Alright so he's not new as in brand new. I've been with him for many years as his submissive and after a lot of angst on my part and growing pains we moved to a Master/slave dynamic. It's still very new to us, at least new to me. I'm trying to find my feet as a slave to him. I'm learning the new rules and restrictions. You'd think it'd be easy since I've lived as a 24/7 slave for almost six years to another, but each has different expectations.

I'm happy to be his slave and there is nothing more I want than to please him and earn his approval each and every time we're together. But I can't seem to put aside my selfish needs/wants. I'm trying but I'm struggling. I have the worst urge to top from the bottom and try to control things like communication and the amount of time spent together. I did this not long ago with disastrous results. I nearly ruined the relationship doing that.

But it kills me when he limits communication to the bare minimum. I get angry when he talks about SM play and then on the day it turns out he's either just kidding or not in the mood. That's where I'm at today. Peeved because he was beyond late (another issue we've had that he said he'd work on) and because he wound me up for SM only to leave me hanging.

I'm hoping this is just growing pains.

ReOrganization

I finally gave up the ghost, I was trying to slave to a man who didn't seem to want to Master any longer. This happened a while back and though I'm not proud of it, I did entertain thoughts of divorce. I was miserable and I'm sure I was making him miserable. It felt like there was a giant chasm between us and I couldn't (or wouldn't) build a bridge to get back to him and to sort things out.

I took someone's advice and just let it all go for a while, didn't talk about M/s or SM, and I didn't try to even serve so I didn't pressure him. His desires are still there but it seems they've changed some.

We're trying to re-create our relationship now, starting slow and taking baby steps. I'm working on building up trust in him again, trust that he won't abandon me like it seemed he did before. It's horrible to suddenly realize the Master you've come to trust to be there holding the borders and enforcing the boundaries isn't there anymore. It isn't as if I didn't try to talk about it, I did, for four years and waited, and waited, and waited.

I'm not sure if I can submit to him again given the loss of trust, maybe it's a lack of wanting to because I don't want to be let down again. It's easier to withdraw and protect myself than to put myself out there again.

He's still a wonderful, caring husband and has never stopped being that. He's willing to do just about anything to ensure my happiness. But I don't want the Master back if he's only doing it to make me happy. I don't want to be served, I don't want something simply because I want it and the other person doesn't but is doing it to make me happy. I hope that made sense.

There are other changes I'll address in a separate post.

The World Didn't Stop!

I was amazed, the World didn't stop revolving, I didn't explode into flame and the kids didn't even act as if it were unusual.

I've begun serving Master his food and beverages while kneeling within the past few days. Yesterday all the kids were here and it was dinner time. I looked at Master for direction, he nodded and I knelt to give him his food and beverage. I waiting for outcries and protests but they carried on their conversations as if nothing was out of the ordinary. I was relieved beyond belief and continued to serve him that way throughout the night.

Understand our kids are grown and nearly grown. We aren't exposing little ones to overt M/s or BDSM. I'm only kneeling to serve my Owner as a way of honoring him. It is profound for he and I, to them it's just their parents being quirky as usual.

I don't mind being quirky. We're already odder than their friends' parents, we're still married. Their friends' parents have almost all been divorced and remarried at least once. So one more quirk added to our list. I can handle that. :-)

Depression and submission

I wonder sometimes if my depression, my mental illness, has an affect on my submission. Does the quality of my submission go down as the symptoms of my depression increase? I note that I crave to submit more deeply when I feel lost in the depression. It seems to be my lifeline out, the only thing I can see that will "save" me. Is that wrong? I don't know.

I strive to submit as fully as I can because I see no other way of life for myself. Yet when the symptoms of depression are on me I am irascible, easily annoyed by simple requests, and subject to fits of anger and insensibility. Very non-submissive qualities, not qualities a slave should exhibit, yet I do occasionally and I cannot seem to exercise control over them.

So I throw myself into "submissive" activities. Pursuits that will improve me as a slave and will hopefully help me find my way back to myself. I'm almost manic in these pursuits and easily frustrated when I meet with resistance. Yet I continue in my attempts and sometimes succeed.

I feel I owe it to my Owner and my Sir to be a good slave and submissive. I owe it to myself to find my happiness and wholeness.

Bone Weary

I sit here bone weary, barely able to keep my eyes open, I've had a busier day today than any other day in the last month. I saw Sir and we spent much good time together, he used me well and has left me marked and bruised. Lots of happy about that, it's been too long since I've felt an ache from being used so well. Once home I enticed Master into a before work quickie that was delicious. I don't know how the man does it but he hits the right spot with every thrust threatening to rip screams and growls from my throat when I must be quiet.

Oh but that wasn't enough for me, oh no. I decided I needed to work out. Really that's not up for debate I have to work out and strengthen my body and build muscle. So 20 minutes of upper body and core work on the balance ball followed by about 20 minutes of instructional Tae Bo. Holy COW am I exhausted and I just know I'm going to wake up aching tomorrow.

All of this is quick on the heels of sheer idiocy on my part. I got selfish and focused on my needs and how they're going unmet because Master is working 7 days a week and Sir's schedule is something else. Boo-hoo, poor me. I went mental and returned Sir's collar to him. I don't know what I'd hoped to accomplish but what I did do was hurt him deeply, show him the worst disrespect, and put our relationship on very shaky ground. I'm a moron sometimes. I wish I had some sort of alarm that would go off when I'm starting a 'bout of "lost my mind" so I can stop before I start.

Today was a blessing, having a few hours with Sir, being his to do with as he wished and attempting to serve with as much grace and humility as I was able. I'll never make up for the hurt I've caused but I hope I can at least soothe it a little and earn back his collar if he deems me worthy.

Okay, up to my room to practice some "slave positions" and then to bed with me and my heating pad.

New Beginnings

For the last few months I’ve been battling ulcer-like pain and it has been horrible.  The medications are barely helping with the pain.  The ulcer is tiny but the doc doesn’t think it’s the problem.  She feels its the fact that my pouch (bariatric surgery term for the new tummy after gastric bypass surgery)  is 2x too long.

This translates into me producing too much gastric juice, hence the pain.  Also a reason behind my not losing weight as I should have.  So, within the next month I should know whether or not I’m having a revision to shorten my pouch.  I’ll have better information Tuesday after my follow-up appointment with my surgeon.

I’m just thankful that an end to my pain and illness is in sight, and that my weight loss should start again!

I’m not looking forward to basically going through the entire gastric bypass surgery again and a recovery, not from laparoscopic surgery this time but from an open surgery.  It’s going to hurt much, but again, should be worth it to fix this problem and hopefully prevent future problems with ulcers.

At this point Master is worried about me, my health, and our finances while I’m off recovering.  HRS may be concerned about me but she’s masking it with concern that there won’t be enough cash flow for the new school year.  *sigh*

I can’t please everyone, all I can do is take care of myself.  I can’t do anything with or for anyone when I’m in pain so debilitating I’m writhing around and whining.

So that’s where I’m at today, trying to take care of me so I can take care of them.

Up and Down

I don't know what else to call it.  I'm not quite depressed but I'm not quite not depressed either.  Life is work and sleep with very little play.  Maybe I am depressed because I am sleeping so much and I've got little interest in things that used to interest me.  I don't know.

 

I'm extremely frustrated and not handling the stress of my new job very well.  I wish I could be one of those nice people who doesn't have the dominant urge to put her foot down.  It would make my life here at work SO much easier.  It's not easy going from a job where I had to be that person to a job where I'm not allowed to be that person.  I'm not transitioning well.  At least I don't feel that I am.

 

I can't seem to set a routine for myself.  I sleep between 8 and 12 hours every day.  I don't want to get out of bed until I have to.  There's nothing that I want to do and I feel exhausted and sleepy all the time.  I can see now that even though I'm not a morning person (read would gladly beat the alarm into submission if it didn't mean I'd have to get a new one) first shift was actually healthier for me to work.  I actually was motivated to exercise and do household chores, etc.

 

It's too late now though, I'm not going to try job hopping, I've been here a bit over a month.  I will bide my time and try to work it out in the meantime.

How Are You?

Why do strangers ask "How are you?" when you know they really don't care?  And why do they get to put me into a posistion of having to lie?  It's socially unacceptable to tell the truth.  "I'm feeling like crap today, my legs ache, my feet hurt, my back hurts, and I'm feeling depressed so I might binge on junk food later."

 

I sometimes play with the idea of telling the truth, maybe it would make that person think twice about asking after my well-being, or anyone else's, again.

 

Yes, I'm mean.  I think it's stupid to make small talk and idle pleasantries when you don't really give a rodent's rectum about how the other person is.

 

I don't waste time asking after the well-being of people I don't know and I  still manage to be pleasant, sociable, and polite.

 

Miss Manners would have apoplexy if she met me.  Poor dear.

Muchness

I've lost my muchness at work.  (see Alice in Wonderland for that reference)  I'm not as good at my job as I was pre-gastric bypass.  Is it burnout or is it the mental illness?  Is it the medications I'm on, or are my chemicals all screwy?

 

It doesn't matter really what the reason is, my muchness is gone and I can't seem to find it.

 

I've been job hunting and am in the process (jumping through hoops) of getting a new job where, hopefully, I'll find my muchness again.  The job will be in admissions in a hospital setting.  I think it will be interesting.  At the very least I'll finally get to put my medical education to use so I will finally feel like I spent all that money for a good reason.  I should probably know by this time next week if I made it through the hoops.

 

In other news... Master and I just celebrated our two big anniversaries, our 5th collaring anniversary and our 23rd year together anniversary.  I can't believe we've been together as long as we have.  Sometimes it doesn't seem like it's been that long and sometimes it's not nearly long enough.  Sometimes I have to agree with Little Miss Raincloud (haven't heard about her in a while huh?!) that men should visit the pit of death.  All but Johnny Depp, Gerard Butler, The hot new guy playing James bond, Jason Statham, Vin Diesel, and a few other exceptions like Master (on good days). ;-)

 

In other, other news... Master and I will be doing our very first presentation on rough body play for our local group.  I've got the presentation written up, now all we have to do is get up there and show and tell.  Sounds simple doesn't it?  It should be.  But there's something about being in front of a group of people that's scary.  I can talk my head off in a roundtable discussion setting but get me standing in front of a group of people and I stammer and the nerves attack.  Gotta work on it.  This will be good practice.  I'm actually looking forward to it.  I think it's going to be a good discussion and will hopefully help allay some concerns others have had regarding rough body play.  Especially since Master is doing a station in the Speed Kink "gauntlet" that we're having at the next play party.

 

He's got a very standoffish demeanor unless you know him.  Combine that with the way he plays with me and one other and I guess it makes for "big scary dominant".  I wish people could see him the way I do.  He's not scary, he's human.  Yes he has some scary bits inside, we all do, but those only come out for certain people (Yay me!!!!).  There is one special gal that he'd sooner wrap in bubble wrap than hurt.  He has tender feelings and his play style depends on the person and what they bring out or what they negotiate.

 

Sorry Master, didn't mean to soften your "rep". ;-)

Where I am and Where I'm going

I can't believe my last post here was so long ago. I've been focused on myself and this process, this journey, that I started in January. I wasn't sure I wanted to write about it here. I wasn't sure this was the appropriate place. Then I hit road blocks and all thoughts of writing went out the window only to be replaced with frustration, anger, and thoughts of quitting.

So what is this process? This journey? Put simply it is a journey to healthier, happier me. In January I became serious about pursuing laporoscopic gastric bypass surgery. My insurance required a six month doctor supervised diet, which I did with minimal results. Then at the end they did blood work and found a thyroid issue, which put surgery on hold until my thyroid was under control. I was approved by my insurances but at a stand still because of my thyroid. It took a month to get in to see an endocrinologist and then another month for the meds to work. Finally, finally my thyroid was under control at the end of September.

I was released by the endocrinologist for surgery and surgery was scheduled for November 3rd. Time seemed to creep and fly by almost simultaneously. My surgery was successful. Recovery, on the other hand, has been a bit of a rocky road. Less than two weeks post-op one of my main incisions became infected. I had a quarter-sized crater in my belly that hurt like Hades and left me feeling weak and tired.

The infection is gone and the crater has shrunken both in depth and in diameter. I've lost 31 pounds since surgery. Sounds easy doesn't it? It wasn't, isn't, and won't be.

After surgery I had no appetite so I had to force myself to sip water and milk. The first full week after surgery I was advanced to full liquids, which included the bane of my existence; the dreaded double milk. Double milk is 1 cup of skim milk blended with 1/3 cup of powdered milk. At first it was great because it filled me and satisfied my returning appetite. Now, if I ever have to drink double milk again I may just run away screaming. The last week on double milk I had to force myself to drink it because I knew my body needed it. I advanced myself to pureed foods a couple of days early because I just couldn't do double milk any longer. That was just this past weekend. Pureed foods on day one were heavenly now I just wish I could eat real food.

I'm having to learn, as if for the first time, what it means to feel full but not over-full. I have to take vitamins and supplements four times a day for the rest of my life. I have to make sure to get adequate protein or risk muscle wasting, hair loss, and malnutrition. I had buyer's remorse for a few weeks after surgery. I couldn't believe I'd done this to myself. I'm still trying to wrap my head around it all. I can't imagine myself being half the person I am now at this time next year. I probably won't be if I don't get the exercise up to where the doctors want it. Sixty minutes a day, every day.

For at least three weeks after surgery I was a raging b*tch. I was angry all the time and I don't really understand. I've been told that it's my hormones going crazy and my body trying to adapt. Whatever it was I'm glad it's over because I was horrible to live with and I know I pushed Master to the brink more than once. I tell you, I am one lucky woman. Few men would stick by me the way Master has or cut me the slack he has.

Would I change my mind if I could? Are you kidding? This is the hard way to lose weight even if it does seem easy because it comes off so fast. But my new stomach doesn't let me overeat and I'm so thankful for that. It does, however, tolerate sugar and that's a problem I'll still have to struggle with.

Master has been my rock and support through all of this but I worry that my having this surgery and losing weight so rapidly is taking its toll on him. I think he feels pressured now to diet and exercise to keep up with me. I do want him healthy and fit but not for appearances, he's one sexy man, but I want to grow old with him and I worry that it won't happen if he doesn't take better care of himself.

I'm finally starting to feel like a person again instead of a medical patient and I find myself aching to serve so I'm slowly beginning to resume the services I performed before. It feels good to be getting back to normal. It's a slow road, my energy levels are still low and might be for a little while yet. But I do what I can and feel really good about it.

I don't know what the future holds for me or this blog at this point. I have a LOT of work to do in addition to living life and being grandma to not one but two beautiful baby granddaughters that we've been gifted with this year. I won't blog much about the little ladies but suffice it to say that Grandpa isn't the only one to be wrapped around their tiny little fingers.

Renewal

Some people pamper themselves with a bubble bath, a good book, a tasty treat, or a new item they've been wanting to recharge their batteries.  These are good ways to practice self-care, especially when you're stressed beyond your breaking point.

 

However, I've found I feel the most renewed after an intense SM scene with Master.  I didn't realize just how heavy the stress I've been carrying was until this morning.  I've come to hate my job, it's no secret, I just don't like what I do or who I do it for anymore.  I've gotten more and more frustrated about this because, for now, I need to keep this job and be thankful for it.  I've also taken on more than my share of stress over running our local BDSM group.  The mixture has been toxic to say the least.  I've been irritable, short-tempered, physically and mentally exhausted, and unhappy with life.

 

Saturday night Master and I had planned to go to a dinner that a member of our group runs and then on to a hotel room for some much needed play time.  On our way Master changed his mind.  He decided to take me out to dinner and then onto the hotel to get an early start on playing.  He was eager to play and didn't want to wait and hey, I wasn't going to argue!

 

So we enjoyed a nice dinner together and then went to our hotel room.  I got sidetracked by cable TV for a few moments but it didn't take long to get back on track.  We started out slow and moved into owner/property or predator/prey space.  He doesn't give me time to think or to process, all I can do is feel and react.  It didn't take him long to reduce me to tears... repeated face slapping in-between cock sucking... or was that cock sucking in-between face slapping?  The face slapping made me eager to strive harder to please him with my cock sucking, not that he seemed displeased, but that is my reaction to pain when sex is included.  Can't explain it don't want to try.

 

As I drove to work this morning I was almost cheerful!  I'm never cheerful on a Monday morning.  Sarcastic, cynical, even grumpy, but never cheerful.  I almost didn't recognize myself.  I'm sure Master was wondering where the real me was hiding.  I wondered the same thing.  SM play is my self/Master-care.  There's just nothing quite like being reduced to a sobbing, snotty mess to put things into perspective.

Twisted

I feel twisted inside.. it's hard to explain.  My mind is running in a bazillion different directions.  Before I start though I want to recommend flylady.net to any struggling (or even non-struggling) service- and non-service-oriented s-types out there (and maybe a few d-types too).  It's an awesome "program" to help one break down household chores into manageable bits and hopefully give you more free-time while getting better organized.  So far I've shined my sinks and am making my bed daily.  I do what works for us, I make up his side of the bed at night when he's at work and then my side before I leave for work in the morning.  It's not perfect, we have our own blankets, but it feels good to *do* something to make our bedroom more inviting.  He noticed when I started making up his side of the bed and that felt good too. *soft smiles*

 

So on to what's going on in my head.  My mind is pulling me in so many directions at once it's hard to figure out which direction is most important.  There are lots of BDSM community things going on now plus something new that I really want to be a part of.  I am super excited about all of this but there is a lot of research and hurry up and wait involved.  I am not a good hurry-up-and-waiter.

 

I'm feeling guilty about my diet... I'm supposed to be following a 1300 cal diet in preparation for gastric bypass surgery approval.  Please no negative comments-I've thought them all myself and have heard a few already.  I'm not going into this blindly, I've been researching it for the last five years and have taken at least that long to go from "I'll NEVER do that" to "It's what I need to do to get healthy and preserve my back health for as long as possible."  I need to improve the quality of my life and I'm not going to be able to do that with diet and exercise alone.  I can't lose enough weight on my own and can't take appetite suppressant medications unless I'm willing to give up the meds that keep me sane-ish.  Gods know I've tried to do it on my own.  I know, I'm not "fat enough" by many people's standards, even I feel like I don't need the surgery as much as someone who is over 300 lbs.  But I know I need the permanent appetite control (as long as I follow the pouch rules) to help me.  It's a tool just like your eliptical trainer, Weight Watcher's meetings, and appetite suppresants.  The only difference is this one is permanent and pretty drastic.  Anyway, as I was saying, guilty about the diet.  I've fallen off the wagon and back into old habits due to stress and depression.  I see the shrink in a month's time, I'll talk to her about the depression.

 

The stress is largely from work.  I'm starting to hate my job, a lot.  I'm depressed when I'm here and I don't feel even a tiny bit better until I'm home.  Even then it feels like this huge thing looming over me because I know I have to go back the next day and so on.  Weekends are even difficult to enjoy because Sunday night comes way too quickly.  I know I should be thankful that I have a job when so many are losing theirs, and I am.  I'm thankful that I'm able to help Master support our family.  I'm SUPER thankful for the dental and medical benefits, without them we'd be so freaking broke and I wouldn't be able to consider the surgery due to cost.  It's the job itself that is getting to me and the subtle policy changes since we were bought by a larger company.  It's slowly changing form the company I signed on with to something else and I'm not sure I like where it's going.

 

On a positive note Master played with me Friday night and we went places we haven't been to in quite some time.  It felt good to go there but it was difficult too.  I'm out of practice and couldn't find my groove.  I got angry and wanted to fight but ended up crying instead.  It was a roller coaster ride and he's promised another one this Friday.  I should be at least a little bit worried.  When your sadistic Master says "I'm going to make you cry" generally one should worry right?  I'll worry later, I've got enough going on in this head of mine right now.