I can't say it enough, the support I've received from you all has really meant the world to me. I'm doing better with this and I've stopped looking for the loopholes, although if one appeared I wouldn't be averse to taking it. *grins*

I've been frequenting a web site set up as a support for women who have had or are going to have endometrial ablation, there are women there who've had hysterectomies too and it's been a boon of information and anecdotal experience for me. Endometrial Discussion Group

The doctors can give pure facts and their success rates but what really helps me is the anecdotal experience of other women. Doctors will say it's supposed to happen like X but as we all know, Murphy's Law prevails, plus every body is different and will react differently to a given procedure.

Master and I still aren't on the same page as far as the way we approach this situation. He thinks I'm focusing on the negative, he might be right in part. I tried to explain to him last night that I'm being realistic. This surgery, more than any, is a crap shoot. It *could* be a miracle fix or it *could* be just the beginning of a series of things we do to try to fix this thing. I just don't want to go into this believing it's going to be a miracle fix and end up disappointed and feeling like I somehow failed. I don't want him to have that mindset either, though I don't believe he'd blame me for the failure of the procedure. Still, I think he'd be as disappointed as I would be if it didn't work the way we expected it to.

The brochure and Novasure website (Novasure is the type of procedure I'm going to have in addition to a D&C with polyp removal) speak of the procedure in glowing terms and make it sound like the procedure will be quick, painless, and will get rid of periods forever. If I'd stopped research with that I'd have, in my opinion, a very unrealistic expectation of this procedure.

So, from this point on I'm going to try to be more positive while still being realistic. The polyp removal will help and the ablation should, at the very least, lighten my periods which I'm hopeful for. I'm not sure how life will be post procedure so I don't know what to envision. I've lived with menorrhagia for around 12 years now, I won't know how to act if I don't have to rush to the bathroom every half hour or so during the first few days of my period.

I think it would be accurate to say that today I'm cautiously optimistic.

Just Thinking

I woke up with some odd thoughts this morning. I grew up knowing it was possible that I would have to have my uterus removed, I wonder how many women have this knowledge growing up. It seems to me that men don't live with the knowledge that at any time they could have their reproductive organs removed. Or maybe that's just my bias showing.

My gyno is a male, don't get me wrong he's great, but he cannot empathize with female issues. I told him yesterday that the thought of endometrial ablation is scary to me. He asked why it was scary, after all I'm done having children right? It's my uterus for Pete's sake! How else can I explain it than that? Perhaps if I suggested that he think about having terrible things done to his penis he might begin to get a clue? I know, apples and oranges.

Then I think, why am I so attached to my uterus? I talk often enough of being eager for menopause and the end of periods.

So back to the whole knowledge of the possibility of hysterectomy as I grew up. Mom had a hysterectomy shortly after the birth of my younger sister, I was around six when it happened, I think. Mom began menopause when I was a tween and she was a psychotic b*tch to live with.

My attachment to, and fear for, my uterus is multi-layered. I don't want to have the kind of menopausal experience my mother had. I fear for my sexual functioning, it's never been that good or consistent as it is. So, my goal is to keep it but I fear that I won't be able to. What if I keep developing polyps? What if the ablation doesn't work? What if? What if they have to remove the right ovary after all? More what ifs and I can't find enough good information online to put my what ifs to rest.

It's enough to make a person crazy I tell you. I feel cornered. I do have choices, I know that, I just feel cornered. I'd throw a full-blown screaming fit if I thought it'd help. I don't want to have surgery! Any surgery! That's why I feel cornered, because I have to have surgery. It's no longer optional. I was OK with it all when I felt like I had control over it all.

Master and I haven't really talked about it but I get the impression that his outlook is similar to my doctor's, it's inevitable so why be upset about it? What I wouldn't give for that outlook right now. I'm busily looking for loopholes and have myself halfway convinced that there's a way out.

Betrayed

That's how I feel you know, betrayed. By my own body no less. You get used to it doing certain things and when unexpected things start happening you feel all set adrift and such.

I went in for a test to rule out a certain condition and ended up scheduled for surgery in five weeks. How's that for a kick in the pants? I fear this is just the beginning, somehow I just don't trust my body to behave any longer.

Have I mentioned my all encompassing fear of surgery? Specifically, of anesthesia. Each time I'm convinced I won't wake up, something will go horribly wrong and poof, I'm gone. I hate the way I feel like I'm drowning when the anesthesia starts to take me under and then nothing until I wake again in blinding pain. I hate that loss of control, it scares the piddle out of me. I'm considering asking the doc for something to ease my nerves the night before and that day. But, I'm concerned that the doctor will think I'm drug seeking. *sigh*

I have to find some faith that this will all work out and that I'll be fine. Right now, I'm a little stuck in the catastrophic thinking. Just call me Chicken Little, it feels like the sky is falling and I don't have a bomb shelter.

Simple Pleasures

Snuggling with Master at night just before we fall asleep.
Clean sink drains.
Sharing laughter with Master.
Sharing good food with friends and family.
Reading a good book.
Watching a good movie.
Naps.
Sunny days.
Looking forward to going swimming in the summer.


Master sometimes teases me about being a simple person but really, I'd rather be simple. I can take pleasure in the smallest things, it doesn't take something huge to make me happy and that, to me, is wonderful stuff.

I see all these "rich" people in debt up to their eyeballs and they seem so miserable. They've got things out the wazoo but, that's all they have and I think that's a little bit sad. I'd rather be struggling financially but able to take pleasure in the feel of the sunshine on my skin than be "rich" with a big house and fancy car that I really can't afford and not being able to enjoy the simple pleasures because I'm too consumed with acquiring more things and struggling to pay for all of them. *shrug*

Yeah, I have health issues, so what? I have life and I'm going to enjoy it to the fullest.

Giving Up

One of the things M says he loves about me is that I don't give up, even when I'm down, I won't give up. I think he sees some indomitable spirit in me that most of the time I don't see myself. I'd LOVE to give up when I'm down, I want to give up, I even give it a lot of thought. I spend time looking for loopholes and ways out of whatever situation has got me down. Then I sit quietly for a while, within my mind, and rage at the unfairness of it all. Yep, that's me, I ask why me. WHY!?

It's not that I don't give up, I just can't, not fight. I'm stubborn, bull-headed is what my mother called me. It's been an asset and a hindrance all my life. It may make me seem strong, most times I don't feel strong, I'm just doing what has to be done because there's no other option. Maybe that is a strength. It does get me through the rough spots until I've got the time to fall apart.

But what happens when you continually put off falling apart until there's "time" to do it? What happens when you're just plain burned out and need to recharge but have to keep doing what's got to be done because there are no other options? Answer? You have mini-meltdowns, a certain song on the radio reduces you to silent sobbing as you drive to and from your destinations. For the two to three minutes that is the length of the song you let it all go and then suck it back inside as soon as the song ends. Any longer and you're unable to do your job, your assignments, anything.

Once upon a time I had a really big meltdown, I couldn't function for a period of a month or so. It was a slow road back from that and that period in my life acts as a sort of motivator to maintain control of myself. I guess that's the "final frontier" of submission for me, giving up my hard-won and kept self-control. I don't know if I'll ever achieve that, I know I'm not ready yet. I do it in small, controlled doses when Master and I play but the walls fall back into place shortly afterwards.

Maybe some would argue that I'm not a "true" slave because I maintain that self-control, maybe not. Master doesn't seem to mind it much, if he did he'd insist on a change. He's not the type to allow behavior from me that he doesn't like. I guess we're just right for each other. He needs my strength sometimes just like I need his.

It's just sometimes, sometimes I'd like to give up. I'd like the luxury of not having to keep going. But, I can't seem to not fight. Right now I'm looking for the loopholes, something I can live with, something that will give me a little breathing space, and all the while I keep on keeping on. I'm just tired today.

Happy Birthday

Today I have become the mother of an 18-year-old manchild. 18 years ago today I gave birth to him. He came into this world tiny and wrinkled and apparently angry at being born so early. He was a premie but you can't tell it by looking at him today. He's taller than I am now and has a voice deeper than his father's.

When I look at him I can still see the silly little guy who'd laugh maniacally from the back seat of the car for seemingly no reason and whose laughter was infectious. You couldn't help but laugh when he did. He was a caring little guy too, in the waiting room of the doctor's office he'd go around and hand out magazines to folks who didn't have one. He felt everyone should have something to read. He still has those characteristics though he tries to hide them. It's not manly to care like he does you know. Or so he thinks anyway.

Still, I call him a manchild because he's still clinging tightly to childhood. He doesn't want to grow up you see. I think the only way he's going to is if we throw him from the nest and force him to fly alone. Next week he'll start his first "grown-up" job, he's going to work part-time with his father and will begin to save up for his impending independence. It's just a few short months away and I think we're both, his father and I, anxiously awaiting the date.

We love him, he's our child, but he's never going to grow up and learn to depend on himself if we let him stay here. We're both painfully aware of this though the mother in me has a hard time with pushing him out and forcing independence on him.

At the same time I'm looking forward. I can make use of his old room as my new home office. We'd get my unsightly computer desk out of the living room finally and maybe be able to add another piece of furniture so it's a little more cozy and hospitable in here.

I look forward too, to a little peace. There is always a tension with ZBoy, he's got it in his head that he's an adult and doesn't have to follow our rules or treat us with respect. Yet at the same time he wants us to parent and coddle him. It's tiring, everything is a fight, an argument, or a battle of wills. I wonder if other parents of teenagers go through this? Somehow I think it's just us, something to do with the way we've parented.

We've made a lot of mistakes, I was 16 when I gave birth to him, Master was 18. We weren't ready to be parents but my sense of responsibility wouldn't let me give him up. Maybe it was a maternal instinct, I don't know. I just knew I couldn't give my baby up. Some days I wonder if I've done him a disservice with that decision. It may seem selfish but he saved my life. I think that if it weren't for my responsibility and love for him I wouldn't have had any reason to improve myself. I don't believe that Master and I would have had any reason to stay together without him. Who knows though, that's a big what if.

I'm going to miss his presence here when he moves but at the same time I know I'm going to breath a sigh of relief.

Bits and Pieces

You know, sometimes all it takes is a simple conversation to open one's eyes. I didn't really realize just how completely I've adjusted, made the mental shift, from independent woman to owned slave.

I was talking to m'Lady about a situation and she pointed out that not all dynamics are similar to Master's and mine. I've become so immersed in his ownership of me that it's difficult for me to think outside of our dynamic at times. If he wants me to do something it gets done. In the area of job hunting, there wasn't the option of not finding a job. So, when I see the difficulties other couples have I have a hard time understanding why there's any problem at all. Maybe my thinking has become too simplistic? He wills, I do. It really is that simple for me. Of course there are times I'll drag my heels and he'll give me a gentle, or not so gentle, nudge to get moving.

This got me to thinking about other things that have just sort of come into being that I'm perfectly comfortable with. The checkbook is one of the major things. It was once my responsibility and then he sort of just took it over. I never know how much money we have in the bank (though I could look if I wanted to), I never have the check card unless I need to get fuel for my car or he's placed it into my hand to make payment when we're at the store. I needed fuel today and I asked him if I could have the check card, no qualms about asking, simply I needed fuel and needed access to money to get it. I'm content, and I think he is too, with this arrangement. It's just one more aspect of control he's taken or I've given or has shifted naturally. I'm just bemused by it all, it happened when I wasn't looking.

There are some further education classes I'd like to take to add to my personal resume. Throwing a Victorian Dinner Party, Massage for Stress Reduction, and Exploring the Teas of the World. I think these are excellent skills for Master's slave to have. Each class would enrich me as a person and would give me more skills that he could make use of. Of course only one of these classes works with my current schedule. Isn't that the way of things?

We're discussing options for my misbehaving uterus right now and I have to say, I really wish it wasn't necessary. Beyond a possible fibroid, it could just be screwy hormones. This is all pretty scary because of all the what ifs to consider. Each option has its side effects and possibility of failure. I wish there was one tried and true method that works all the time 100% that didn't involve uterus removal. *sigh*

Bad Boys

Have you ever found yourself cheering for the bad guy in the movies? Wishing he'd win in the end? Has that character ever made his way into your dreams?

I realized the other day, after watching The Phantom of the Opera, I fell a little in love with the Phantom. I could relate to his internal torture, he was gorgeous despite his deformities. His voice, his lips, his eyes, and the intensity of his love for Christine. I wanted her to love him, I willed her to love him, and cried with him when she chose Raoul. I wanted to kiss away his pain.

I'm always like this, I root for the bad guy, I fall for the bad boy. I think that's why I love the Anita Blake: Vampire Hunter series so much, eventually the girl falls for the bad boys.

But, even though I like the bad boy, I want him to be a good guy too. Yeah, I want to have my cake and eat it too. That's part of what drew me to Master, his bad boy side but there was more to it than that. Underneath he was tender and caring. He wrote endearing love letters to me, catered to my every want and need, and was a shy boy when we had our first kiss together. It's that whole package that draws me in and keeps me but initially, it's the bad boy, the misunderstood rebel, that piques my interest.

I'm in a bit of an introspective mood today. It all started last night at a play party when we were discussing my personality. M'Lady hit the nail on the head, as always, she said I'm not exactly a dominant personality but am very much about controlling my surroundings and my life. This would be what gets in my way when I'm trying to just submit to Master. This is what I get teased about and why people like to watch me during SM scenes. I give up control and just react for that small space of time.

10 Reasons I Love Master

10. He puts up with my mercurial moods.
09. He's the perfect match for me in almost every way
08. He can cook, well.
07. He's an iron marshmallow, on the outside he's tough but on the inside he's soft and sweet.
06. He's got a wicked sense of humor and a sharp wit.
05. He's the perfect adversary, loves to have debates.
04. He's extremely intelligent.
03. He is concerned about my well-being.
02. He loves me.
01. He shows his love for me in a million little ways each and every day.

Reunions

Today I got to see and be with M for the first time in nearly a year. We've both been so busy and free moments are rare. The planets all aligned today and Master ordered me to have fun, meaning to have M over for a romp in the sheets.

I was a little nervous, I hadn't been with him in such a long time and if it hadn't been for Master's order I might have actually found an excuse to not see M today. I guess I was afraid that maybe he wouldn't be attracted to me anymore, or that I wouldn't be attracted to him. I was afraid that maybe our passion for each other might have cooled. I should just listen to Master more often, he knows both of us and knows we can't keep our hands off of each other when we're in the same room.

Sex with M is different than sex with Master. M is a gentler type, likes soft sex with just a little bit of slap and tickle mixed in. He'll be rough if I ask for it but most of the time, he prefers it gentle. For the past few years he's been more indulgent with me, allowing me to do whatever I wish to him, which turns me on. Most of the time I take a lot of pleasure in teasing him mercilessly, bringing him close to orgasm and backing off, over and over again. By the time we're finished he dozes off for a few minutes to recuperate because I've exhausted him. I have to admit, it makes me feel good to see a man so well-satisfied and worn out. It tells me I've done my job right.

I wrote a detailed report e-mail to Master just a little while ago and I hope the retelling arouses him so that he will take me and use me hard tonight. I am nothing if not my Master's wanton slut. *smiles*

New Years and Starting the Plan

Well our New Year's celebration was pretty good. We spent the night with our Tribe and there was much laughter and merriment to be had. The only downside was Master finding a sheet of glass with his arm and getting a small cut. (long story) I got slightly irritated with him because he wasn't in a frame of mind to deal with the situation so I switched into "mom-mode" and got pretty grumpy about it. I felt out of sorts because he wasn't taking charge and I felt like I had to. There was no way I could leave a little pile of broken glass overnight and so near to where he was sleeping. Numerous visions of disaster flew through my mind at warp speed, any amorous mood I'd been feeling was swept away by the need to take care of the situation since no one else was able to. I don't know if he fully understands why I reacted the way I did.

Yesterday marked the beginning of my health improvement efforts and it started off pretty good. My weigh-in wasn't as disappointing as I'd expected it to be. I've only gained back six pounds of the 15 I'd lost last year. (six is FAR better than 15 and then some as I'd imagined)

I did my first round of Pilates for 20 minutes yesterday and am proud that I made it through. I SO didn't want to exercise yesterday. It wasn't too bad though my back did ache a little when I was finished and later last night the bottoms of my feet hurt (a sign that my sciatic nerves were pinched a little) but all in all I didn't feel too bad. Today however, is a different story. My muscle's muscles ache. My arms, which didn't really do much of anything yesterday, hurt, my sides hurt, my back, my legs and most especially my abdomen. Pilates is really effective for targeting every muscle in your body. I'm going to do another round tomorrow achy muscles and all. This should earn me frequent flyer miles or something on my masochist's card don'tcha think? *grinning*

I hope that by the end of this month my body becomes accustomed to the exercise and begins to grow stronger. Okay, so I'm hoping my muscles will tone up and I'll look better too but mostly I want to be stronger, I want more stamina.

The Plan

This is my weight loss/getting fit plan. I think it's realistic but only time will tell if it's really doable. I've got just a wee bit of weight to lose so it's entirely possible that it will take me all of 2006 and part of 2007. But, until I get started I really don't know anything for certain.

You'll see that I've included some checks and balances that will help to keep me accountable, not only to myself but to Master. If I were only accountable to myself I'd give myself too many "freebies" and I'd get nowhere. I'm not the best taskmaster for myself. lol

So, without further gilding the lily (I love that phrase) here is my plan and you'll soon see why I called it the Anal Retentive Approach to Weight Loss. *grins*


Joy’s Short Term Weight Loss Goals

Lose 10 lbs by March 1, 2006

Steps to achieve this goal

1. Do Pilates at least 20 minutes per day 3 times per week.
2. Reduce sweets intake to once a week or less.
3. Reduce portion sizes by half or more depending on the dish.
4. Eat healthy snacks between meals to reduce hunger pangs and control cravings.
5. Drink at least 3 8oz. glasses of water per day.
6. Include at least two servings of dairy in my diet daily.
7. Make a daily “To Do” list that includes the day’s exercise which must be checked off before leaving the house for work, etc. Lists must be shown to The Boss each day. NO CHEATING.
8. Weigh-in/measure once a week and record it.

Lose 10 lbs by May 1, 2006

Steps to achieve this goal

1. Begin Walk Away The Pounds DVD program at least 20 minutes per day 3 times per week.
2. Continue Pilates at least 20 minutes per day 2-3 times per week.
3. Continue with healthy eating habits.
4. Increase water intake by 1-2 8oz glasses per day.
5. Continue to make daily “To Do” lists that contain the day’s exercise to be checked off before leaving for work, etc. List must be shown to The Boss each day.
6. Continue with weekly weigh-in/measurement report once a week.

Lose 10 lbs by July 1, 2006

Steps to achieve this goal

1. Begin Tribal Fusion Belly Dance DVD program at least 20 minutes per day 2-3 times per week. Possibly alternating belly dance and walking from week to week.
2. Continue Pilates at least 20 minutes per day 2-3 times per week.
3. Continue Walk Away The Pounds program at least 20 minutes per day 2-3 times per week.
4. Increase water intake by 1-2 8oz. glasses per day.
5. Continue with healthy eating habits.
6. Continue writing daily “To Do” lists including the day’s exercise to be checked off before leaving for work, etc. List must be shown to The Boss each day.


Joy’s Long Term Weight Loss Goals

Lose 60 lbs by January 1, 2007

Steps to achieve this goal

1. Begin exercise-Pilates-by January 3, 2006 and continue to do it at least 20 minutes per day 3 times per week.
2. Reduce portion sizes by half and reduce sweets intake to once a week or less.
3. Increase water intake to 3 8oz glasses per day, working up to 8, 8 oz. glasses per day.
4. By March 1, 2006 include Walk Away The Pounds program in exercise regimen. 20 minutes per day 2-3 times per week. Continue Pilates.
5. By March 1, 2006 increase water intake by 1-2 8oz. glasses per day and continue healthy eating habits.
6. By May 1, 2006 include Tribal Fusion Belly Dance program as part of exercise regimen-continuing Pilates and Walk Away The Pounds.
7. Continue healthy eating habits and increase water intake by 1-2 8oz. glasses per day.
8. Continue writing daily “To Do” lists including the day’s exercise to be checked off before leaving for work, etc. Lists must be shown to The Boss daily. NO CHEATING.
9. Increase duration and intensity of exercise as tolerated and as needed to continue steady weight loss improved physical fitness.

The Anal Retentive Approach to Weight Loss

You know, the more I read the title the more I think it should be made into a joke of some sort. It just sounds like it's going to be funny doesn't it?

But alas, in this case it isn't a funny. It's my "new and improved" approach to getting healthy. I had some small success last year, though I've gained a good portion of the weight I'd lost back. I proved to myself that I can lose weight. So I'm not feeling too daunted by the enormity of this task. I've broken it down into small, manageable, two-month chunks with steps to achieve that particular goal, with Master helping to keep me accountable. I think that part of my failure last year was that I didn't have a concrete plan and not enough accountability.

You see, I had a bit of an epiphany last night. Maybe that's not the right word for it, I was hit with the cosmic 2x4, yeah that's about right. I realized last night that it's more than likely that I'm heading into pre-menopause and have been for the past year. I'll get more information about that from the doc in late January. At any rate, when a woman goes into full menopause it brings a few health issues of its own in addition to greater difficulty losing weight. I decided that I don't want to go into menopause at my current weight; I'm convinced that if I do I'll be this size forever. I'm not ready to accept that as my reality.

I'm not ready to spend the rest of my life as unhealthy as I am. I want to be healthier, I want to feel good more often than I do. I know that exercise is the key to this. (Yes Master, you were right.) I know that exercise will improve my back pain. I also know I'm a lazy wench and I need a LOT of accountability. I've messaged m'Lady about jumping on my Get Fit bandwagon with visions of weekly reports to each other for added accountability and support. I tried a submissives only weight loss support group last year and while that was some help, I just didn't connect there the way I'd hoped and so it was easy to not keep up with it.

I'm scared that I'll start off strong and then gradually lose motivation as the year progresses like I did last year. I'd lost about 15 pounds when I started slacking off last year. My Yahoo weight progress chart stares at me accusingly every time I go to My Yahoo page. I haven't cleared it out. I know Master has a hard time staying focused and motivated too and I'm counting on him as my support so I'm scared that we'll let each other down in this endeavor.

I don't know if I'll post much here about it, I'm sure there'll be the occasional post about my struggles and frustrations. I'm sure too that there'll be some rantings as I detox from sugar. Yes, sugar is addictive, I had physical proof last year when I gave it up. When I'd been about two weeks without sugar I no longer craved sweets and they didn't sound appealing when offered. Then for no reason other than "we deserve this sweet as a treat", we'd have a sugary treat and I'd begin craving sweets all over again after just one serving of sweets.

Right now I'm planning. I have written out short-term goals with steps to achieve them and long-term goals with steps to achieve those too. I've got a lot of new behaviors to learn and I've decided that doing it slowly will be best 'else I'll get gung-ho and will end up quitting before I've barely begun. I have the tools and I'm gathering the support, now do I have the fortitude to see this through? It's so much easier to just relax and eat what and when I want.

Integration

A post on our local group's e-mail list about ageplay got me to thinking about my own interest in ageplay and the seeming lack of it in the past year or so. I'm also reminded of something M said early on in my ageplay explorations, he said that he didn't understand why I compartmentalized it. If he wants to act like a child and jump in a pile of leaves he does. He doesn't set aside time to do so.

During those early explorations if I was going to let my inner kid out we set time aside for it because it was very disconcerting for me to have to "grow up" in a matter of minutes. If my IK (inner kid) was out she was out and I refused to access the rest of me. In that way I compartmentalized it, it was something I did not something I was, even though I often did things my IK likes and watched Disney movies just 'cause even when my IK wasn't being let out.

These days we don't set aside time to do ageplay, he has simply become my Daddy, among other things. I feel integrated, my IK is part of who I am, if I feel like being silly I do so, if I feel like watching a Disney movie, I do. He knows I love Disney movies and often, even if he doesn't like the particular movie I want to watch, he'll let me watch them. I don't have to set aside time to let my IK out, he doesn't have to set aside time to be my Daddy. We just are, Daddy and his lil girl, along with being Master and slave, husband and wife, man and woman.

These things are all facets of who we are.

In the early days I set my submission aside too, it was something I had to put on and take off due to circumstances. Pretty soon it became apparent that it wouldn't work like that forever. It's funny how that happens for me, eventually things I thought were things I did became things I was/am.

I realized last night that it'd been a while since I'd posted here. I lay there in bed thinking about the service I'd just performed for Master and decided perhaps I should put those thoughts in print.

At first I was reluctant to perform any sexual service, I wasn't in the mood. During the week my libido peeks in the afternoon and then goes into hibernation during and after work. So, when Master stripped and got into bed I began to dread having to finally go to him. I just wanted to curl up in bed with my new book and relax. I actually tried to put it off and hoped he'd get tired of waiting for me. I know, bad slave.

Eventually I got my head in the right place and began stroking his cock soft and slow just the way he likes it. Once he was erect I began to get into it myself. I thrilled in the feel of his cock in my hand, it feels like iron wrapped in warm velvet. I felt awed to be holding his cock, it seems so powerful to me, so forceful, and demanding. I love it.

I delighted in his soft gasps and the way his entire body tensed up in anticipation of orgasm. A tingling began between my legs when he said "Swallow me". By the time I'd finished I was raring to go. In the past I'd have pouted and been upset because he "teased" me and left me "hanging". But last night, none of that, I was just happy to have made him feel good. It's weird the way my brain works sometimes.

I just wish I could change my reaction to performing sexual service when I'm not in the mood. At times like that I momentarily forget that it isn't about me. I'd like to feel that happy-to-please-him goodness before and after but for now I'll settle for being able to hold my tongue and not express my lack of desire.

Christmas Party and The Beast

Over the weekend Master and I went to a Christmas dinner/gift exchange/play party. It was great fun, the food was wonderful (and plentiful) as was the company. The gift exchange was fun, I got to watch someone really enjoy one of the gifts we'd brought. I love giving gifts, I really like seeing someone else enjoy something I've given them. It just makes me all warm and fuzzy inside.

Then it came time to play and play we did. I got in a little trouble for asking him if I should remove my panties along with everything else. I know that's what he wants but I keep hoping he'll allow me that small bit of modesty. Silly girl.

I watched him pick out a few toys as I undressed and knew I'd be in for more than just a good sound beating. He'd pulled out that despicable Wartenburg wheel. Still, I was game and got into the spirit of it all. I know he enjoys getting reactions so I give them to him whenever he "requests" them. Even if it's only a low growl in the back of my throat, I'm reacting. But the Wartenburg wheel makes me dance, makes me giggle, scream, kick, and want to take it away from him. He gets a lot of enjoyment out of that one little toy. It simply wears me out because I simply cannot remain passive and take it stoically. As soon as it comes out and I hear the wheel being turned (he does this to torture me I'm sure) I begin to wiggle and my mind switches to fight or flight mode. I can honestly say, I've never been so relieved as when he finally put the wheel away.

I can't recall the sequence of events, even if I sit down to write about it right after it happens it all sort of runs together in my memory. The one thing that really stands out in my mind is when he brought out the canes. I wasn't ready for the sting (am I ever?) and I began to get a bit angry and fought back. Of course this just pushed all of his buttons and called his predatory instincts into play. This is what I call playing with The Beast. I know it's going to push his buttons if I fight back but I do it anyway, I like it when he goes feral. That's when my buttons get pushed and I go into a very deep primal space. Unfortunately that didn't happen Saturday night. He took me well in hand and caned me into submission. When he'd finished I was (happily) in tears. I felt languid afterwards and didn't want to move so he just released my hands and leaned against the equipment we'd been using while I came back to myself enough to move.

Despite enjoying playing with The Beast I'm always happy when Master comes back and cuddles me afterwards. I don't think I could live with The Beast.

Obedience

From Kindlings
Do you find obedience to be easy for you?

The short answer would be yes, and no. I think a lot of this depends on what one would consider to be obedience. Is doing what you're told while making smartarsed remarks obedience?

I am a smartalec, I can't seem to stop the snappy comments that pop into my head and often fall out of my mouth before I can even think about them. BUT, that's part of how Master and I relate to one another, always have. We tease and taunt each other, often making witty jabs at one another and giggling afterwards.

I have rebellious thoughts and sometimes voice them while I'm doing what was requested. The kid in me would like to argue that that is obedience, I'm doing what I'm told right? If Master were more strict with me then perhaps it wouldn't be.

I guess obedience doesn't come easily to me. But I do try.

Tug of War

Some days I feel like I'm in the middle of a tug of war. On one side is Master and the other is our nearly grown son. As he's gotten older (ZBoy) he's challenged Master's authority more and more, mine as well. He's at a point now where he believes he can tell us how things are going to be and when we put the proverbial foot down, he explodes in a childish wrath and spits venom and fury at us.

Last night was another such occasion, I was at work when it happened. This time ZBoy dragged me right into the center of it by accusing his father of abusing me. I never thought in a million years that I would be accused of being abused in any shape or form. The only basis for his accusation? His father has the last word in all things. Sometimes I just want to shake ZBoy and explain just what abuse is. I've never been so NOT abused in my life.

We've tried to explain to ZBoy that we live the way we do because it makes us happy but he either can't or chooses not to see it. Maybe he doesn't remember the bitter arguments his father and I once had. Maybe he doesn't remember how miserable we both were, how unhappy. Doesn't he see now the way we constantly touch each other? Doesn't he hear the endearments we say to each other? If he doesn't see any of that, doesn't he at least see that I'm happier than I've ever been?

I'm really troubled by ZBoy's belief that I'm abused. He's never witnessed anything overt, I thought we'd been careful to keep things under wraps. Yes, I serve him his food and drinks and yes, he has the last word. But that's all the kids have ever seen. They've never seen him punish me, never seen our SM play, never seen the resulting marks either. All they have seen is me serving him and deferring to him in decisions.

I guess I'd blame our culture, if blame is to be laid, that states if a woman chooses to give up control to a man then she's obviously downtrodden and abused in some way because, after all, women are equal to men and don't have to do that anymore. Of course this could send me off on a tangent about the problems modern feminism has caused but I'll leave that for another day.

I don't know what to do about this son of ours, but I'm uncomfortable knowing he believes I'm abused. I've tried to explain, many times, but he won't listen. Sometimes I'd just like to take a vacation and leave them to sort it out for themselves.

Post-Party Ramblings

So here I am, a couple days after the party, realizing that I was silly to worry as much as I did. We went to the party and we had a good time and no one there looked like a super model. I can be so silly sometimes. Lucky for me Master is so understanding eh? *grins*

I'm told there was a girl there who was checking me out when we arrived. I disappointed her though when I proclaimed my hetness. That's not exactly accurate but how do you explain to a group of people, some of them strangers, that your bisexuality is extremely situational and almost totally related to the person you're attracted to? I have a specific "type" of person I'm attracted to and it doesn't matter if that person is male or female. But how to explain to a room full of women that none of them turns you on without being offensive about it? I found it much easier to declare heterosexuality though I did obtain Master's permission to do so.

I'm thankful that our host introduced us as non-swingers because we most certainly are, but also because it eliminated the need to turn any interested parties down. I'm 30-something and I still don't know how to tell someone I'm not interested in them without possibly hurting their feelings. I'm nothing if not blunt. I remember when we were still getting to know J, he asked to demonstrate something on me and grabbed a fist-full of my hair and expected me to respond by softening and relaxing into his grip instead, I laughed at him; full-throated and hearty.

I have to say, it was a little strange watching other people have sex, arousing but strange. We didn't participate in any sexual activities; Master didn't want to. Although we did have a very good SM session in which He and m'Lady tore my backside up. Not literally, but they did leave some nice reminders that I'll likely have for the next week or so. They get so intense when they play together like that and my oh my do I love being the focus for their attentions. I was reluctant to strip but once I did I was fine until I came back to myself after the scene. Being nude is to be vulnerable and I just don't like to be that vulnerable around so many people.

Apparently it was good to watch, we had everyone gathered to watch us in silence. I think I remember hearing a gasp or two when He punched my back or maybe it was when the whips came out, I don't remember for certain. Most of the time my attention was focused on breathing through the sensations. They took me through a broad range of emotions, everything from amusement and laughter to defiance, fear, and finally, tears. At the end, when it seemed like they were soothing me and bringing the session to an end, Master wrapped an arm over my shoulder and chest and began to paddle my butt with the evil rubber paddle. I fought and tried to get away while simultaneously trying to stay and take it. Eventually I sunk teeth into his arm and found a bit of solace that way. For some reason it soothed me to have his flesh between my teeth, perhaps I released some of the pain that way, I don't know. I guess I was biting pretty hard, he was afraid I'd break the skin but I didn't.

It didn't take long for him to break me down and wrench the last of my internal control from me. There's a certain sound I make when I'm breaking down and I'm sure that's the sound he listens for when he's of a mind to take me down like that.

Afterward was nice, we cuddled for a while though I had a hard time staying in that soft "afterglow" frame of mind while being surrounded by strangers. I came back to myself a lot more quickly than I usually do. Within minutes I was ready to get up, get dressed, and clean up the toys and space. But it had all been done by m'Lady, she's wonderful that way, and He just wanted me to lie there with him a while.

A while later I got to watch as Master, J, and m'Lady played with a man there who wanted some SM time. It was great to watch and the man had a wonderful sense of humor so the session was rather lively and had the lot of us laughing.

Later still Master, myself, m'Lady, and her boy were all sort of snuggling on an inflatable mattress and it was nice. It felt comfortable and I didn't want it to end but end it did. Eventually we had to return to our respective homes because it was late and there was still some private sex to be had.

All in all I had a good time and got to meet some pretty nice people and reconnect with the tribe. I don't know if we'll go to another party like that again but my fear of them is gone.

Lil' Fun

The lil' girl inside me doesn't get out much to play but today I followed a link on danae's blog and well, I played and it was FUN! Some days it's good to be silly, let's not forget that. Master will probably look at this entry and roll his eyes while saying "Oooh sparkley things". He's forever teasing me about being easily distracted by sparkley things. In my own defense, it's the lil' girl inside me, she loves the sparkleys. *g*