Processing

We're baaaaaack! We got back late last night and were very glad to be back. The trips to and from Chicago were very pleasantly uneventful.

Through the ride there I was filled with nervous energy and much anticipation. Once we got there we checked in, got fooded and then registered. We browsed the vendor areas and found our friends who'd come to VV also. After much chit chat we went back to our room and lounged and ordered pizza. Let me just say, I've never had a better tasting pizza, YUM!

After pizza we got ready and went up to the dungeon. I'm still all aflutter over everything we saw. I saw a lovely Goddess beating her sweet submissive, the energy they shared was spectacular. I watched a Domme friend of ours work over two of our submissive friends. During that time I also got to see a fantastic interrogation scene with two Dominants working over one bottom. They wore fantastic fetish uniforms that looked sort of German officer like, and the male Dominant even used a German accent. It was amazing to watch and gave me many delicious ideas.

Master tormented me with our newly acquired Wartenburg wheel that night, leaving me limp and wrung out afterwards.

Saturday was spent shopping and taking in one workshop. It was a workshop on Old European decorum and etiquette and how that translates into the Lifestyle. It was presented by a very accomplished male slave who gave a fantastic presentation. I'm still processing some of what was said. We've lost a lot of the manners and decorum since the Victorian era.

Saturday night was the formal dinner and I was excited, I got to dress up! My Lady helped me to do up my hair which turned out gorgeous. I looked a bit like a Greek Goddess, it was great. Once I had my floor length dress and jewelry on, Master couldn't take his eyes off of me. He touched me in some way or another through the entire evening. After we were seated in the dining hall he leaned over and told me how beautiful I was. I nearly broke out into tears with the happiness I felt. He looked quite dashing himself wearing his button up long sleeved shirt, dress pants, tie and leather vest.

After dinner it was agreed that my Lady and I would Top Master in the dungeon. Master is a masochist and enjoys a good pain scene every so often. The scene went well but Master felt combative so we weren't able to take him as far as I wanted to go. I have a rather large sadistic streak that needs to be let out now and again. That night I only got a little teaser so was left with pent up energy. I became sullen and withdrawn. It was late too so I was tired as well. I tried to present a good attitude but didn't accomplish that very well.
Master let me go to sleep but the issue wouldn't be let go.
In the morning as Master and I laid in bed together waking up, he began stroking my neck and face. Then he covered my nose and my mouth, suffocating me. He chose for us to stay in the room Sunday morning instead of going to any workshops. He took me down hard, there was much breath play and some catharsis for me. At the end of it all I humbly kissed his feet, something I have wanted to do for some time but never felt able to. It was a moment of clarity for me, I finally felt my enslavement. I may have freedoms that others don't have, I may be allowed to Top others on occasion, I may be allowed to Top Master on occasion, but always, he has the final word. He is my alpha and Omega. He is my reason for being. I live to serve him. I live to please him. I live to love him. Yes there is much else in my life but he is the center of it all.

After the erotic take downs workshop I realized that Master and I began our relationship kinky. We started out doing take downs, we'd wrestle all the time. As we became intimate those take down sessions would end in primal sex.
We stopped playing that way some time ago for no specific reason but we've talked about doing it again. Possibly using it as a precursor to a flogging or caning.
After watching a take down scene Saturday evening, I realized how much I missed doing that. It was fun, playful, feral, violent, and sweaty.

Our weekend was awesome and much needed. It cleared up some confusion for me, brought Master and I closer together, and was so much fun.

On the way home, while discussing our perceptions of the weekend. Take downs came up, my Lady suggested that perhaps Master and I could do a take downs presentation for our BDSM group. Master was open to the idea, I suggested that he and I would need to practice since we haven't done it in some time. I have to admit, I'm excited at the prospect of sharing something I enjoy with others. I like to teach and share, it seems natural to do this. Perhaps, if Master wants to, we'll do so.

Thursday!

So today is a flurry of activity. I'm taking a break to rest and do some journaling.
Last night I went shopping with my Lady and we had a great time. She spoiled me a little, she paid for a gal to paint my nails while she had hers filled. I bought us some yummy chocolates afterwards, trying to spoil her in return.

Then she bought us Julius drinks... and she bought my necklace that I'd picked out to go with my dress. She wins in the spoiling people department. *grins*
She's really a great Lady, she's also a very good friend and I love her to pieces.

After I got home from our shopping spree, I had a nice quiet night with Master. Til my period started. I was angry with it for starting right before our trip, I know that's silly, but there I was angry and upset and near to tears. It interferes with certain activities, makes them a little more complicated and messy. It means I have to wear my ugly underwear instead of the sexy new thong I bought. Master sat me down and had a bit of a talk with me about it, reminding me that it's not something I can control so why get upset about it. He also assured me that we'll work around it. I felt better afterwards, He can always comfort me.

After I'd settled down we went upstairs to cuddle and watch Family Guy, one of our favorite cartoons. It was a good way to end the night.

Today I feel good. I feel accomplished. When I stop long enough to think, the excitement fills me up.

Well, time to get back to work! *smiles*

T-minus and counting

We leave for Chicago this Friday! I'm excited beyond words. Master bought me a beautiful dress for the formal dinner and even bought himself a tie! Master never wears a tie.

I'm looking forward to all the things we're going to see and do in Chicago.

Master has ordered a collar for me. Every now and then when I think too hard about it I get a little scared.

I get scared of the thought of something locked permanently around my neck. I'm not scared of the commitment it signifies or the ownership either. Just scared of something permanent around my neck for no good reason.

He owns me and he wants the world to see it. For the first time in my life I'm beginning to understand that I am a person of worth. He wants to own me because I am worth owning. I am valuable to him because of who I am, warts and all. And best of all, he loves me.

Vanity or self-esteem

Master got me a set of fake nails for my birthday last year and let me keep them up until just a few weeks ago. I had to have them removed due to money issues, we just couldn't justify such a frivolous expense right now.

I understand and I am happy to help cut corners where I can.

But I hate my hands. My nails have been cut down to the quick to get rid of all the acrylic still left on them. My hands look like little boy hands now. My fingers are short and stubby. I've never been able to grow my nails very well on my own. I chew them or they break because they're weak so before the nails my hands looked like they do now.
I felt so elegant and ultimately feminine when I had the nails like I never did before I had them. I actually liked my hands with the nails. Master liked the nails too. He likes making me as girly as possible.

It isn't that I can't be girly now but it's like part of the package is missing. I don't feel as feminine when I see my hands reaching for a glass or something else.

For most of my life I refused to dress or act girly. I didn't feel safe being a girl. About 5 years ago Someone gave me inspiration and a safe place to be a girl. But for a long time it didn't feel right, it felt like I was putting on an act. Over time it began to feel more normal, more natural.. when I got the nails it was like everything clicked into place for me.

I know, I'm nattering on about fingernails when there are worse things in the world that could happen. Still, I miss them. I miss the way my hands looked with them. I miss the naughty things I could do to Master with them.

Let it snow

...somewhere else. I mean really, we've had enough snow. I've had enough snow. Master had a little accident Friday because of the snow. He's okay, his car hit a patch of ice, spun out and ended up landing up over an embankment or something like that. The car is not okay, it cracked a back wheel and he thinks there's something wrong with the rear axel, he barely got it home.

So now we're down to one car which means Master will be using it during the week and I'll be stranded during the day. It sucks but it could be worse. I'm just thankful he's okay and that it wasn't more serious.

If it snows as much as they say it is going to we'll be snowed in tomorrow. The kid's schools will cancel and Master might not be able to get to work. This wouldn't be bad if there was some way to get the kids out of here. A day with Master all to myself would be very nice.

Conflicted no more

Conflict, war, battle, all of these words describe what has been going on inside of me. I am a slave, I know this... but I have a sadistic and dominant side to me that needs to feed every so often. Over the past several months I've been nurturing and claiming this other side of me with the help of my Lady whom my Master shares me with.

She's been supportive and a great resource to me.

Today I had a most excellent play session with a submissive female and after getting past the doubts and fears I found a center of self-confidence that up til now I hadn't known I possessed. I was in charge and I felt competent in my ability to bring her and myself through the scene, which I did and was rewarded with lots of contented smiles.

Master reinforced his ownership of me with a reminder that it extends into all areas and aspects of my life. I was given a task to complete today with the submissive. Tonight as I sit here musing over today's events, I feel more the slave than ever. I know it doesn't make much sense and I'm not sure I can even explain it to myself. It just is.

I'm just happy to feel whole. I know some would say having this switch nature makes me not a slave... and maybe I'm not by their definition. But by my and Master's definition, I am and that's enough for me.

Now I look forward to going to Chicago over Valentine's Day weekend. Master and I are going to My Vicious Valentine with my Lady and her submissives. This will be Master's and my first time at an event like this and we're both very much looking forward to it. I'm a little nervous about fitting in there but over all I think it will be a fun and educational experience.

Catching UP

Computer viruses and reformats, oh my. Sometimes technology is more of a pain in the butt than it's worth.
I think I can say with a small degree of certainty that I'm back.

Our son turned 16 today, despite some trouble and rocky roads, he's turning into a very nice young man. Seeing that makes all the heartache and worry seem worth it somehow.

Master and I got some good play time in over the weekend with each other and with a few close friends, which was wonderfully satisfying after weeks of deprivation. We were both starved for each other's touch. It is easy to forget that he needs me too when I get wrapped up in thoughts of how much I miss him. I'm going to try to remember this in the future when I'm feeling lonely and sorry for myself.

Relationships, while seeming to be secure and strong, can be so very fragile. Even more so when communication breaks down. I need to learn to open up more instead of being a brick wall for Master.

I'd forgotten how much I enjoy writing. I remembered last night when I got out the disk with the beginnings of a story I'd begun writing a while back. It didn't take long for me to look it over and see the parts that needed re-written or just a little extra oomf. It felt good to sit here and work on my story. But then, when I tried to go to sleep, I remembered that I shouldn't write at night. I write and re-write in my head when I should be drifting off to sleep.

Sometimes Blue (poetry)

Sometimes Blue

Had to work, had to fight
to be Mommy's delight

Never was good enough
no matter what I did.
my best wouldn't do.

Always awkward sometimes
blue, never was good enough
for you.

Did cartwheels and handstands
took your worst abuse to make
you happy, to hear "I love you."

Always awkward sometimes blue
never was good enough for you.

Always wanted to be Mommy's girl,
cherished by you. But I wasn't good
enough for you.

Always awkward sometimes blue,
never was loved by you.

-------------------------------------------------

I wrote this a few years ago and even today thinking about the feelings that inspired it can get me all choked up.
It's amazing to me that a good many of my hang ups and emotional handicaps stem were created by her. Now, how to get out from under that shadow.

Grouchy

I'm ill, in the middle of a nasty cold really. So I'm tired and I'm irritable. Still it's not excuse to snap and yell at Master the way I did tonight.
I know better than to let go like that. I finally took myself to our bedroom for some quiet time. I needed a time out.

He came upstairs about 15 minutes later and ordered me downstairs to talk. He lectured me about my behavior and apologized for being cranky himself. We spent the rest of the night snuggled on the couch watching a movie with the kids.

I think we're both frustrated with his having worked 15 days in a row with no time off. He's been so exhausted that he hasn't wanted to do more than lounge around the house til bedtime. He'll finally have a day off this Sunday and I'm excited. I want to pamper him a little and help him relax.

I miss him even though I see him every night. I miss him touching me, sneaking up behind me to nuzzle my neck while I sit at the computer. I miss staying up late waiting for the kids to go to sleep so we can have a little play time.

Roller Coaster

The last few days have been a roller coaster of moods and emotion. PMS really makes life difficult sometimes.

I got on a self-pity roll Sunday night and sent Master an e-mail about it. The resultant lecture left me feeling chastened but loved. Most of the time I can see the positives in my life, and I actually like me. There are just sometimes that the old tapes start playing and I start feeling worthless for no good reason.

Master asked me if I knew why I have these feelings of being worthless. He knew why even before he asked. I couldn't say it, though I knew too. Thinking about it makes an ocean of bitter tears well up inside, to admit it out loud would release a flood that would drown me.

I sometimes think that somewhere inside I'll always be a little girl crying out for her mother's love.

Then sometimes I think that it's a waste of energy. My childhood was no childhood at all, my mother didn't want me, big deal. My life now is good. I'm no longer one of the walking wounded, I'm living life, not just surviving it. That's quite an accomplishment for one who was on the road to a life of victimhood at one time.

Life is what you make it after all and I've still got a lot of life left to make and a soul mate to make it with. That makes me a very fortunate girl indeed.

Ho hum

This week has been, well, blah. My days and nights are mixed up. I can't sleep at night but I sleep deeply during the day. Master wants me to get back into a regular sleep routine but it's very hard lying there tossing and turning in bed, my mind stuck in the "on" position.

I have so many projects I want to do but can't seem to get motivated to do them. Maybe it's the season, maybe it's just me.

Surrender and yielding

They can mean much the same thing. Only, yielding means recognizing something bigger and more powerful than you and giving way before it. Like the tree that bends in the wind.

I am laid open before my Master, there is nothing that I hide from him, nothing that doesn't belong to him, yet there is my very strong will that does not surrender, it yields. It belongs to him as surely as the rest of my being, yet it doesn't surrender. It doesn't give up.

I don't know why I'm contemplating these things other than I've read much about being surrendered to one's Master and as always, I began analyzing myself. I do that a lot.

On being scary

Recently I had a Dom friend tell me that playing with me scared him. His inner sadist comes fully to the fore when playing with me and it's a lot stronger than he realized.
How is one supposed to take a comment like that? "Playing with you scares me."

I can't help but be who I am and apparently that speaks to something in most of the Dominants I've played with. Whatever it is, be it my enjoyment of the pain, my willingness to endure, or whatever... it is slightly fascinating and unsettling at the same time to have a Dominant be afraid of what he might do while playing with you.

New Year

So it's been a few days since I've written here. I spent the New Year with Master and now my back looks like a couple of cats were set loose to tap dance on it with unsheathed claws. I loved every minute of it. Master loves knives as much as I do.

A Dom friend and I were talking about slavery... is slavery about the things you do for your Master or Mistress or is it about who you are? I think it's more about who you are than the things you do, though that is a part of it. The way he described it, he thinks it's more about what you do. I'm still sorting this one out. All I know for certain is that there has to be room enough in this world for all types of slaves.

I find myself anxious now to wear Master's collar. It is coming up soon, he hasn't set a date but has said that he'd like to do it before it gets warm and that he wants to get the collar possibly before our trip in February. Master has chosen an Eternity Collar for me. I think they're beautiful and I love the idea of a locking collar.

So many exciting things are happening this year and through it all I'm trying to make some fitness goals. With Master's help I've made one positive change, I'm no longer drinking regular soda at home. I want to be healthier for Master and for myself.

Underestimations

Well, I've learned a valuable lesson tonight. Sick Masters can still spank very, very hard.

I'm sitting here on one sore tushie. Well, half a sore tushie. I've been in a general foul mood today and Master made the observation that when I get into moods like this it's because I need some pain because my mood drastically improves afterwards.

Pain is often catharitc for me and is a release for the emotional build-up. And yes, as a masochist I need pain play to be a happy slave. I'm just too stubborn or something to ask for it when I need it. Part of that is due in large part to not wanting to be selfish. I know he can't read my mind and if I have needs I should tell him and let him decide if they should be taken care of. I just can't make myself ask him for anything very often.

So tonight, noticing my snarky mood he waits til the kids are good and asleep then takes me upstairs and orders me to undress. I'm in a very playful/sarcastic headspace and am joking a bit. He started gently enough, scratching my backside and such.. then he started spanking hard. His goal was to bring me to tears. It wasn't for my pleasure at all, it was his pleasure and my attitude adjustment. All I could do was endure it.. yelling my pain into the blankets on the bed and doing my best to stay in one place.

As he continued to spank, focusing only on one cheek and stopping to let my skin desensitize a little every so often, he built up the intensity. I wasn't always able to stay in one place and ended up on the floor at one point. I was unceremoniously picked up and put back onto the bed. A few strokes later he stopped and walked around the bed. All I could think was "What's he going to use now?!" and laid there shivering. I jumped when he began rubbing lotion into my tender behind.

Then he stripped and laid on the bed, that was my cue to pleasure him. I like doing that, I like making him feel good.

So now here I am feeling content and thinking about re-reading the first in the Beauty series.

In sickness and...

Master is sick today, he's got influenza and possibly bronchitis. The doctor told him if he'd had a flu shot he would only feel like he had a cold right now.

I can't help but say "I told you so" because I suggested several times that he should get one. I get one every year, thanks to asthma it's a necessity and this year I'm very thankful I do. I'm betting that next year he'll go right along with me to get a flu shot for himself.

I've been working extra hard to help him feel comfortable and to take care of him. After seeing the condition he was in this morning I shifted into "mom" mode and asked him "Will you be needing a shower before you go to the doctor?" He wouldn't have gone had I not insisted. He doesn't take good care of himself, that's where I come in. I make sure he's taken care of, it's my job.

I need to recharge my batteries now else I'll be cranky when he wakes from his nap.

Control

Argh! I just typed up an entry and goofed somehow when I published it and ended up publishing a blank entry. *sigh*

Okay, I was talking about an article I read that was written by Vibs West In the article she talks about resentment over little controls like being told what noodle to put in a pasta salad not really being about the noodles but about control.

I can see this in my own life. Whenever I am bristling about things like the dishes being put away wrong or what have you, it's a control for me. I want things done my way. Why is that? What do I get out of keeping little controls like this?

I'm certainly not holding onto my independence, I'm as dependent on him as a body can be and still function on their own. I think I'm just being stubborn, holding onto the old ways because I'm afraid of what the new will be like. Fear has always been a driving force in my life. Self-protection out of fear of being hurt, control everything out of fear of the unknown.
kharita pointed out that enslavement is a journey, you nailed that one on the head. It is most definitely a journey and a process and I am thankful that Master doesn't expect perfection. He only expects that I do my best and that I learn. That, I can handle.

So here we are

It's nearly Christmas, my first as his slave. I don't wear his physical collar yet, but that will change soon.

He's given the go ahead to begin planning our collaring ceremony. I'm so exited that it's all I can think about when I lay down to sleep at night. We haven't set a date yet for the ceremony, he wants to get the collar first, but he says it is his first priority after the first of the year.

He asked me if, after being collared by him, I will finally realize that he's not going anywhere and that he's not looking to bigger and better deal me.
That's a major failing of mine, trusting that anyone who loves me really does love me. You'd think after 17 years of being with him as his girlfriend and then wife, and now slave, that I would feel secure. I know he thinks I should be. And he's right, I should. Yet there's this tiny little part of me that cringes in expectation of being kicked.

He hasn't given me reason to feel this way, it's deep rooted from my early childhood. Something I need to let go of once and for all. I remember something I heard in a movie once... "Childhood is something you spend the rest of your life recovering from". Or something like that. In a lot of ways that's true for me.

12-25-03 Merry Christmas
It's Christmas today. The oldest kids are playing with their new Gameboys, I want one! The youngest is lying on the couch drifting in and out of fever induced sleep.

Our youngest is sick today so no family will be coming over as was originally planned. My sister has four kids that she really doesn't want exposed to this whatever it is. I don't blame her, her youngest just got over an illness.
Still, I wish they could come visit. I love my sister and her kids and I love to see them.

I had a fit of anger when Master interrupted my nap to put the turkey in the oven. My only excuse is that I was tired and I'm not feeling well myself. But, they're just that, excuses. I want to go to him and beg forgiveness.

It's nothing more than pure selfishness behind my anger. I was angry because my nap was interrupted. I'm still learning that even my sleep, or lack therof, is his.

It's hard, serving so completely.

I was embarrassed and proud last night, we were at Master's sister's house for Christmas Eve. He told me to fix him a plate of food and his mother piped up with "Who's gonna be your slave tomorrow?" in jest. He responded with "Her, she's my slave every day." I don't know if they thought he was kidding or not, I was at the sink washing my hands when the conversation transpired and I stayed facing the sink so no one could see my blushes and silly grin. I served him the rest of the night as I always do and no one said another word about it.

It felt good to have him be so honest about our relationship. To know that he's proud of what we are and what we do.

Merry Christmas to everyone everywhere.

Feelings of slavery

It's hard to admit to oneself sometimes, how deep one's feelings run.
Were I able I would live forever as his 24/7 at home slave. Is it because I'm lazy? I don't think so. I think it's because I love to serve him and I love him. There have been times in the past when I didn't mind at all being apart from him. I didn't miss him like I do now.
It feels like the bond between us has grown so deep as to be almost physical. He is always in my thoughts, ever present in my mind. I belong to him no matter where I am or what I'm doing. Nothing I do is done without asking his permission first.
I'm always told how much he loves me by others, I wonder if they tell him how much I love him. I'm not the most physically or vocally demonstrative person in the world. Is it not in my eyes when I look at him or when I talk about him?
I wonder.
A couple of months ago he and I looked at permanent collars, we are leaning towards Eternity collars at http://www.eternitycollars.com/secure/secure_frame.htm They scared me at first. I can bear having something locked around a wrist or an ankle but around my neck? I can't tell you why it scared me so but it did. I balked and suggested a bracelet instead, claiming that the neck ring might be uncomfortable to sleep in. Now, today, I crave it. I want that permanent reminder of his ownership around my neck. I don't want it on my wrist or my ankle. My neck seems to me to be the proper place for a symbol of ownership. A wolf offers it's throat in submission to the pack alpha, so too do I offer my throat, my neck to my Master.
It seems dramatic I know, but, that's me.
I'm craving to be collared by him even though mentally I already wear his collar. I want a formal ceremony followed by a reception of sorts to be shared with friends who will understand the symbolism and importance of it all. I'm like any other girl, I want the fairytale. Only my fairytale is a bit darker and more twisted than the mainstream. *chuckling*

It's all in the mind

So, here we are... a few months into my coming to terms with the reality of our situations. That was cryptic huh?
It's been a couple of months or there abouts, since I finally came face to face with the reality that everyone but me saw. That Mark is and can only be a secondary Dominant to me and that it's Alan I answer to first and foremost.
Somewhere along the way I'd lost sight of that.
I realized last night just how completely I have accepted the way things are. I feel my slavery to Alan, and while I feel like I belong to Mark, I'm not enslaved to him. There's a major distinction there that I'd never really noticed before.
Last night I was talking with Mark and we were joking about him being out of touch with me and he said "I know, I'm a really bad Master." It was when he said those words that I had an aha moment and the distinction became clear to me. A little voice inside my head said "No, Alan's my Master." I'm sure a few people who know me will chuckle and say "Well it's about time you realized that." Or something along those lines.
I've grown a lot closer to Alan over the last few months, he's gotten further into my mind with me standing there holding the door open for him. He mindf**ked me this weekend, good grief he likes mindf**ks. The roller coaster of emotions I experienced was intense... I nearly cried with relief when I found out that it had all been a mindf**k because right up to that moment I'd been a bundle of nerves. Then came disappointment because I realized I really did want to do the thing that he'd been pretending he was going to make me do. It's funny how these things work.
I'm thinking of it as a test run, the next time I won't have to be so nervous. He'll be there with me the whole time.
I wonder if other slaves feel as close to their Masters and if they feel the absences as keenly as I do? Or maybe I'm just a drama queen and I'm making it worse than it really is. Only one way to know for sure, ask other slaves. *chuckles*
That's the beauty of the internet, I can talk to likeminded people whenever I need to.
The holidays are nearly here and I've begun to ask myself just what the heck I was thinking. I've decided to host X-mas day dinner here and I took a commission to do 16 glassware pieces. Where was my brain on either of those days?
I'm definitely going to need a vacation after the holidays.