Okay, as is quite obvious, I'm still messing with my journal. I decided I didn't like the other template. Sorry for the chaos.
I thought maybe it'd be a good idea for something of substance now.
I've been feeling sort of disjointed lately. Like I'm walking through dreamland or dreaming while I'm awake. Sometimes it's hard to separate dreams from reality thanks to my headache med, vivid dreams? You betcha! So vivid that they're realistic and they feel like memories.
I have violent dreams sometimes which is new for me. I didn't always. So it's a little odd to wake up feeling like I'm remembering killing someone. I have to take a moment when I wake up to tell myself, "That was a dream, it didn't happen, I'm awake now."
Then there are the deja dreams. I dream things that haven't happened yet, inconsequential things thankfully, and I don't know that it's something that is going to happen until it happens and I have that 2x4, deja vu, moment. I had one of those moments just the other day and still, even after so many years of having them, I felt jarred. I even said outloud to Master "This has happened before!" He looked at me as if I'd flipped my lid so I explained that I'd dreamed the setting and the conversation. We went on then to finish our conversation.
I seem to have always lived through my dreams, dreams were all I had as a child because real life sucked. In dreams I was loved, cherished, treasured. Things a child should feel from its mother but I never did. So, I had those things in my dreams.
I'm happy to say that I no longer need to run to dreamland to feel loved, cherished, and treasured, Master gives me all of that and more. No, my dreams now are more about creating myself as I want to be.
So, maybe I'm weird with the whole dream thing, maybe I'm not. I just need to find a balance so I can quit feeling so disjointed.
Thursday, June 30, 2005
Wednesday, June 29, 2005
Finally!
Whew! Okay, I have finally gotten most of the kinks worked out of the new template. I'm still trying to figure out how to put a bit more space at the top of the template so the blogger thingie doesn't cut off the top of the picture and I'll be adding links over the next few days, but, I've got the big work done.
I'm proud of myself!
Now, onto other stuff. I found out today that Master's youngest brother (who is in his early 20's) took it upon himself to tell our son that we go to parties and have sex with strangers. I can't fathom what his motivation for doing this was. I went from laughing at the absurdity of this assertion to being completely incensed with this person. How DARE he say such a thing to one of our children! You know, it's not like we're not capable of making mistakes and scaring our children for life on our own. We don't need his relatives sabotaging us at every turn.
I'm still trying to figure out where he got the idea from. The closest I can figure is he, or one of his friends, visited a certain swinger site that Master and I once, quite some time ago, had a profile on when he wanted to find single guys to play with me.
I think what upsets me the most is our son carried this with him for quite a while before getting up the courage to ask if it were true. I can only imagine the feelings he wrestled with. I'm also afraid to even think of what else his uncle might have said to him that he hasn't yet got the courage to ask about. Poor kid.
I try very hard to be as open with the kids as is appropriate. Our son is nearly 18, it might be time for a sit down to tell him the bare minimum of what his parents are about in order to defuse any landmines still waiting to go off and prevent any new ones being planted. I dread doing this though, he's got some very specific ideas about what is appropriate in a relationship and what isn't. For instance, giving a male friend a hug and a kiss when you're in a relationship is grounds for insane jealousy. *sigh*
I continue to attempt to open up his mind a little in this regard, that much jealousy, in my opinion, is unhealthy.
Anyway, Master has decided that we're going to cut off further contact with his family by not spending Thanksgiving with them this year. I don't know if it will harm or hurt. All I know is they can't be allowed to continue to spew half truths and untruths at our children unchecked. Confrontation is useless, they rewrite history and even what is said to them to suit their purposes. It's extremely frustrating.
I feel hurt, for myself and our son, that this happened. I'd thought I had become an accepted member of the family. I guess I thought wrong.
No wonder I much prefer our extended family.
I'm proud of myself!
Now, onto other stuff. I found out today that Master's youngest brother (who is in his early 20's) took it upon himself to tell our son that we go to parties and have sex with strangers. I can't fathom what his motivation for doing this was. I went from laughing at the absurdity of this assertion to being completely incensed with this person. How DARE he say such a thing to one of our children! You know, it's not like we're not capable of making mistakes and scaring our children for life on our own. We don't need his relatives sabotaging us at every turn.
I'm still trying to figure out where he got the idea from. The closest I can figure is he, or one of his friends, visited a certain swinger site that Master and I once, quite some time ago, had a profile on when he wanted to find single guys to play with me.
I think what upsets me the most is our son carried this with him for quite a while before getting up the courage to ask if it were true. I can only imagine the feelings he wrestled with. I'm also afraid to even think of what else his uncle might have said to him that he hasn't yet got the courage to ask about. Poor kid.
I try very hard to be as open with the kids as is appropriate. Our son is nearly 18, it might be time for a sit down to tell him the bare minimum of what his parents are about in order to defuse any landmines still waiting to go off and prevent any new ones being planted. I dread doing this though, he's got some very specific ideas about what is appropriate in a relationship and what isn't. For instance, giving a male friend a hug and a kiss when you're in a relationship is grounds for insane jealousy. *sigh*
I continue to attempt to open up his mind a little in this regard, that much jealousy, in my opinion, is unhealthy.
Anyway, Master has decided that we're going to cut off further contact with his family by not spending Thanksgiving with them this year. I don't know if it will harm or hurt. All I know is they can't be allowed to continue to spew half truths and untruths at our children unchecked. Confrontation is useless, they rewrite history and even what is said to them to suit their purposes. It's extremely frustrating.
I feel hurt, for myself and our son, that this happened. I'd thought I had become an accepted member of the family. I guess I thought wrong.
No wonder I much prefer our extended family.
Getting There
Well, I'm getting closer to getting it changed! I'm now working on how to add the comments back and adding my links back again. I also need to figure out how to put a little more space at the top so that the top of the picture isn't cut off. If anyone has any suggestions PLEASE e-mail me? chainedbrat at yahoo dot com.
Monday, June 27, 2005
100 Things about me aka all you never wanted to know and more
1. I have a husband and a boyfriend
2. I used to be thin
3. When I was thin I thought I was fat, now I'd give anything to be that "fat" again
4. When I was a baby I traded strep throat back and forth with the family dog
5. I've done CPR on a cat
6. I have a poem published
7. I've been with the same man for over half my life
8. I married my high school sweetheart
9. When I was about 14 I used make up to create a "bruise" over my eye and told my mom I'd been in a fight just to get her riled up.
10. I've been living with Alan since I was 17
11. I've had sex with a total stranger
12. My earliest sexual/romantic fantasies were about being swept away by a brute of a man and kept as his pleasure slave, chained to a bed in his castle.
13. I tried out to be a cheerleader as a freshman in high school. I didn't make it.
14. I get giddy just looking at new appliances in the store, I have an appliance wish list.
15. I've developed a shoe fetish
16. I collect pigs
17. My sister is the one who buys the pigs for me to collect
18. I nearly drowned when I was very young
19. I have a fear of deep water, especially if I can't see through it.
20. I'm afraid of heights
21. I had my gall bladder removed on the same day, at the same time our youngest daughter was born
22. I've had sex in a fire station, more than once.
23. I'm shy
24. I had WPW (Wolf, Parkinson, White disorder)
25. I lost my virginity at 14
26. I have a phobia about paper cuts and accidental cuts
27. I'm always surprised when someone shows interest in me
28. I've had extreme headaches since I was about 8 years old
29. I don't have any birth marks but always wished I did as a child
30. I broke my pinkie toe when I was a child
31. I had braces
32. I had four stitches in my lip when I was 7 years old, a glass broke in my hand as I was drinking from it.
33. The first concert I ever went to was Bryan Adams
34. I had my tonsils removed when I was 2 years old.
35. I love to sing
36. I've had a semester of formal vocal lessons
37. I played softball as a kid for one season
38. I love Christmas time
39. I love some Gospel music
40. I'm Pagan
41. I like my steak medium rare
42. Sometimes I'm still afraid of the dark
43. My favorite men's cologne of all time is Polo
44. As a child I hated my name
45. I have a Rune cut into my upper back
46. I had Chicken Pox over spring break when I was in elementary school
47. I participated in my first threesome when I was 18
48. I play fart games with Master and my children
49. I don't like tomatoes
50. My favorite tea is Tazo's Earl Grey
51. My favorite color is black followed by emerald green followed by red
52. I have my own blankies in bed, Master and I don't share
53. I had a pay web site for a while where I shared nude pics of myself
54. I'm ever so slightly pigeon-toed
55. My natural hair color is dark brown
56. I have loads of silver hair (thank goodness for hair dye)
57. I once got sexually turned on while eating a steak that was cooked to perfection
58. I quote movies at and with my sister all the time
59. Sometimes I forget myself and quote them at others who may not get what I'm saying.
60. I collect little toys and have them scattered all over my desk
61. I get sexually turned on thinking about knives and having them used on me
62. I am mathematically challenged
63. I wanted to be a professional singer when I grew up
64. To torment my mother I told her I wanted to be the world's only serial killer who stabbed people to death with a spoon
65. I've always had a twisted sense of humor
66. I sometimes have difficulty feeling comfortable with women
67. I relate better/easier with men
68. I was a tomboy as a child
69. I had a black cat as a child whose name was Tiki
70. I still remember a fever-induced nightmare I had as a very young child
71. I've had dreams that have come true
72. When I was a child I wanted to be like the boy in The Black Stallion and be stranded on a deserted island with a horse
73. I get scared by certain horror movies and often want to see them but won't unless it's during the day and I have company
74. My favorite ice cream is Godiva's white chocolate raspberry truffle
75. I'm a nail biter
76. I had my first, and only, proposal when I was 15 and I accepted
77. I love naps
78. Sappy movies, commercials, and stories, make me cry
79. The sound of bagpipes stirs deep emotions in me and I get all choked up
80. I'm anti-social by nature
81. I have a weakness for candles and glassware
82. I took clarinet lessons as a child and hated it
83. I took piano lessons as a child and loved it
84. I have a bit of a pen fetish, I buy myself new pens every semester at school
85. I wish I could have geisha training
86. I've lived in Iowa all my life
87. I sometimes loathe my body, I've had dreams of cutting off offending parts of myself
88. I've had sex in a public park
89. I am an exhibitionist (that wasn't obvious huh?)
90. I've participated in vampirism
91. I'm stubborn (therapists would call it determined *grin*)
92. I've made a day trip to another state just to shop
93. I've been to a cat show
94. I am unapologetic for being who I am
95. I've made my own candles
96. I want to learn how to make my own soap
97. Most of my family on my mother's side doesn't speak to my sister or I
98. My father doesn't acknowledge me
99. One of my favorite colors is pink
100. I love fireworks
2. I used to be thin
3. When I was thin I thought I was fat, now I'd give anything to be that "fat" again
4. When I was a baby I traded strep throat back and forth with the family dog
5. I've done CPR on a cat
6. I have a poem published
7. I've been with the same man for over half my life
8. I married my high school sweetheart
9. When I was about 14 I used make up to create a "bruise" over my eye and told my mom I'd been in a fight just to get her riled up.
10. I've been living with Alan since I was 17
11. I've had sex with a total stranger
12. My earliest sexual/romantic fantasies were about being swept away by a brute of a man and kept as his pleasure slave, chained to a bed in his castle.
13. I tried out to be a cheerleader as a freshman in high school. I didn't make it.
14. I get giddy just looking at new appliances in the store, I have an appliance wish list.
15. I've developed a shoe fetish
16. I collect pigs
17. My sister is the one who buys the pigs for me to collect
18. I nearly drowned when I was very young
19. I have a fear of deep water, especially if I can't see through it.
20. I'm afraid of heights
21. I had my gall bladder removed on the same day, at the same time our youngest daughter was born
22. I've had sex in a fire station, more than once.
23. I'm shy
24. I had WPW (Wolf, Parkinson, White disorder)
25. I lost my virginity at 14
26. I have a phobia about paper cuts and accidental cuts
27. I'm always surprised when someone shows interest in me
28. I've had extreme headaches since I was about 8 years old
29. I don't have any birth marks but always wished I did as a child
30. I broke my pinkie toe when I was a child
31. I had braces
32. I had four stitches in my lip when I was 7 years old, a glass broke in my hand as I was drinking from it.
33. The first concert I ever went to was Bryan Adams
34. I had my tonsils removed when I was 2 years old.
35. I love to sing
36. I've had a semester of formal vocal lessons
37. I played softball as a kid for one season
38. I love Christmas time
39. I love some Gospel music
40. I'm Pagan
41. I like my steak medium rare
42. Sometimes I'm still afraid of the dark
43. My favorite men's cologne of all time is Polo
44. As a child I hated my name
45. I have a Rune cut into my upper back
46. I had Chicken Pox over spring break when I was in elementary school
47. I participated in my first threesome when I was 18
48. I play fart games with Master and my children
49. I don't like tomatoes
50. My favorite tea is Tazo's Earl Grey
51. My favorite color is black followed by emerald green followed by red
52. I have my own blankies in bed, Master and I don't share
53. I had a pay web site for a while where I shared nude pics of myself
54. I'm ever so slightly pigeon-toed
55. My natural hair color is dark brown
56. I have loads of silver hair (thank goodness for hair dye)
57. I once got sexually turned on while eating a steak that was cooked to perfection
58. I quote movies at and with my sister all the time
59. Sometimes I forget myself and quote them at others who may not get what I'm saying.
60. I collect little toys and have them scattered all over my desk
61. I get sexually turned on thinking about knives and having them used on me
62. I am mathematically challenged
63. I wanted to be a professional singer when I grew up
64. To torment my mother I told her I wanted to be the world's only serial killer who stabbed people to death with a spoon
65. I've always had a twisted sense of humor
66. I sometimes have difficulty feeling comfortable with women
67. I relate better/easier with men
68. I was a tomboy as a child
69. I had a black cat as a child whose name was Tiki
70. I still remember a fever-induced nightmare I had as a very young child
71. I've had dreams that have come true
72. When I was a child I wanted to be like the boy in The Black Stallion and be stranded on a deserted island with a horse
73. I get scared by certain horror movies and often want to see them but won't unless it's during the day and I have company
74. My favorite ice cream is Godiva's white chocolate raspberry truffle
75. I'm a nail biter
76. I had my first, and only, proposal when I was 15 and I accepted
77. I love naps
78. Sappy movies, commercials, and stories, make me cry
79. The sound of bagpipes stirs deep emotions in me and I get all choked up
80. I'm anti-social by nature
81. I have a weakness for candles and glassware
82. I took clarinet lessons as a child and hated it
83. I took piano lessons as a child and loved it
84. I have a bit of a pen fetish, I buy myself new pens every semester at school
85. I wish I could have geisha training
86. I've lived in Iowa all my life
87. I sometimes loathe my body, I've had dreams of cutting off offending parts of myself
88. I've had sex in a public park
89. I am an exhibitionist (that wasn't obvious huh?)
90. I've participated in vampirism
91. I'm stubborn (therapists would call it determined *grin*)
92. I've made a day trip to another state just to shop
93. I've been to a cat show
94. I am unapologetic for being who I am
95. I've made my own candles
96. I want to learn how to make my own soap
97. Most of my family on my mother's side doesn't speak to my sister or I
98. My father doesn't acknowledge me
99. One of my favorite colors is pink
100. I love fireworks
Sunday, June 26, 2005
Paaartaaaay!
So, after much preparation and being late out the door, Master and I went to the play party last night.
Right off the bat I got to flirt a little and man, what an ego boost! Master likes to watch me flirt and me, I like it when it's positively received. Flirting is good for the soul. We did a good bit of socializing and got reaquainted with a good friend that we haven't seen for ages. We also got to meet a new couple that I think, in time, will become good friends. I think they'll fit in very nicely with the tribe. I'm excited about getting to know them better.
There was a demo on cupping and fire cupping which was really interesting and was presented with a lot of good humor. It sparked Master's interest, and mine, in trying it. Now I'm on the lookout for some cups appropriate to the task. I'm a sensation slut, I like to feel things and the more intense, the better. So this cupping business might be really great.
Not long after they got the dungeon set up Master had me scoping out the equipment. We ended up choosing a cross that was built on a short platform. I liked the way it was built, seemed sturdy. He sent me over and had me begin undressing. I had a brief moment of indecision. There was quite and audience as there was a fireplay scene going on nearby. I may be an exhibitionist but I always have a hard time getting undressed at first. I've gotten more uncomfortable about undressing and I'm not sure why. It didn't used to faze me but, for some reason, it does now. I think maybe I've become a little more private about our playing than I once was.
We had a good time, Master gave me a good thrashing. He started out spanking me, each swat increasing in intensity. It felt as if I were dancing to the tune of his hands on my flesh, my behind swayed in time with his swats. He worked me over until I was moaning but always stopping before it was too much. He did a lot of stuff that I like and I felt so spoiled. Nice heavy floggers on my back, savage bites on my shoulders, and then the canes.
He almost always seems to finish with the canes. I'm not sure but I think he used the oak one almost exclusively. I was buzzing with the sensation. There was the immediate zapsting of the cane stroke and then the buzzsting when he lifted the cane away. Over and over, relentlessly even, he caned my bottom. Finally, I thought for sure I couldn't take it any more and he was finished. He stroked my backside ever so lightly causing me to shiver and twitch. Then he helped me away from the cross and I leaned into him and giggled. I couldn't help it, the giggles just bubbled up from inside me. The only reason I was able to stop giggling was our son calling. I'd forgotten to put the cell phone on silent. *wry grins*
To answer your question Magdala, last night's party was awesome. It was a relief, it was a reconnection, it was good. I told Master that I thought we should make more time for SM, we both need it and I know he gets as grumbly as I do without it. We just seem to let life get in the way too often.
We left the play party early and went out and had drinks and snacks with J and his girl m. It was nice to wind down with them.
When Master woke up today we laid in bed and cuddled nude. We loved each other with every stroke or giggle. Of course we ended up fooling around and finished by snuggling nude again for a bit.
It's too bad he had to work today, I think I could have been ecstatically happy curled up with him all day. I think he could have been too.
I'm looking forward to the Halloween party that's being planned. I've already decided on my costume. I want to go as a geisha. *G*
Right off the bat I got to flirt a little and man, what an ego boost! Master likes to watch me flirt and me, I like it when it's positively received. Flirting is good for the soul. We did a good bit of socializing and got reaquainted with a good friend that we haven't seen for ages. We also got to meet a new couple that I think, in time, will become good friends. I think they'll fit in very nicely with the tribe. I'm excited about getting to know them better.
There was a demo on cupping and fire cupping which was really interesting and was presented with a lot of good humor. It sparked Master's interest, and mine, in trying it. Now I'm on the lookout for some cups appropriate to the task. I'm a sensation slut, I like to feel things and the more intense, the better. So this cupping business might be really great.
Not long after they got the dungeon set up Master had me scoping out the equipment. We ended up choosing a cross that was built on a short platform. I liked the way it was built, seemed sturdy. He sent me over and had me begin undressing. I had a brief moment of indecision. There was quite and audience as there was a fireplay scene going on nearby. I may be an exhibitionist but I always have a hard time getting undressed at first. I've gotten more uncomfortable about undressing and I'm not sure why. It didn't used to faze me but, for some reason, it does now. I think maybe I've become a little more private about our playing than I once was.
We had a good time, Master gave me a good thrashing. He started out spanking me, each swat increasing in intensity. It felt as if I were dancing to the tune of his hands on my flesh, my behind swayed in time with his swats. He worked me over until I was moaning but always stopping before it was too much. He did a lot of stuff that I like and I felt so spoiled. Nice heavy floggers on my back, savage bites on my shoulders, and then the canes.
He almost always seems to finish with the canes. I'm not sure but I think he used the oak one almost exclusively. I was buzzing with the sensation. There was the immediate zapsting of the cane stroke and then the buzzsting when he lifted the cane away. Over and over, relentlessly even, he caned my bottom. Finally, I thought for sure I couldn't take it any more and he was finished. He stroked my backside ever so lightly causing me to shiver and twitch. Then he helped me away from the cross and I leaned into him and giggled. I couldn't help it, the giggles just bubbled up from inside me. The only reason I was able to stop giggling was our son calling. I'd forgotten to put the cell phone on silent. *wry grins*
To answer your question Magdala, last night's party was awesome. It was a relief, it was a reconnection, it was good. I told Master that I thought we should make more time for SM, we both need it and I know he gets as grumbly as I do without it. We just seem to let life get in the way too often.
We left the play party early and went out and had drinks and snacks with J and his girl m. It was nice to wind down with them.
When Master woke up today we laid in bed and cuddled nude. We loved each other with every stroke or giggle. Of course we ended up fooling around and finished by snuggling nude again for a bit.
It's too bad he had to work today, I think I could have been ecstatically happy curled up with him all day. I think he could have been too.
I'm looking forward to the Halloween party that's being planned. I've already decided on my costume. I want to go as a geisha. *G*
Friday, June 24, 2005
Ugh!
So, this weekend Master and I plan to attend a public play party and wouldn't you know it? I develop a bladder infection in the last 48 hours. I'd been feeling a sense of impending doom all week. I thought for sure something was going to happen to keep Master and I from going to the party or, at the very least, from enjoying it fully.
I was sure it was because he has to work part of Saturday, now I know it's the bladder infection. The good news is that I got myself to the doctor post haste. As soon as I was sure that the irritated "full" feeling in my lower belly was indeed a bladder infection I headed out the door to the doc. I've got meds and should be able to get a full day's course in yet today so hopefully I'll be feeling a bit better by this time tomorrow. I think I'm lucky this time around in that it's a pretty mild one. I didn't wait for it to get worse, I'm no fool. lol
Yesterday Master and I were both very cranky and feeling a little violent. I wonder now if my crankiness was due to the budding bladder infection. I don't know though, I've had a couple of days of being cranky with little to no explanation or visible cause. I'd chalk it up to hormones but that just sounds so excuse-like.
We were both supposed to go see a sneak preview of Bewitched last night (which is really good, go see it!) but he just didn't feel up to being surrounded by a crowd of people. At first I was pretty disappointed and behaved badly as a result. I was able to make some peace with it and came to a point of acceptance after dinner. Today I can see that it was a good thing that I went alone. I think I needed a little alone time and going to a movie was just perfect. I could let go and just be in the moment in my own little bubble. I felt SO relaxed when I got home. Master was visibly relaxed, dare I say Jell-Oesque.
Today we're both in much better moods which is a relief. I don't know about him or anyone else but when I'm that cranky I'm absolutely miserable and just aching for relief in any form.
As an unrelated side note, I have 50 gmail invites, if you want one leave me a comment.
I was sure it was because he has to work part of Saturday, now I know it's the bladder infection. The good news is that I got myself to the doctor post haste. As soon as I was sure that the irritated "full" feeling in my lower belly was indeed a bladder infection I headed out the door to the doc. I've got meds and should be able to get a full day's course in yet today so hopefully I'll be feeling a bit better by this time tomorrow. I think I'm lucky this time around in that it's a pretty mild one. I didn't wait for it to get worse, I'm no fool. lol
Yesterday Master and I were both very cranky and feeling a little violent. I wonder now if my crankiness was due to the budding bladder infection. I don't know though, I've had a couple of days of being cranky with little to no explanation or visible cause. I'd chalk it up to hormones but that just sounds so excuse-like.
We were both supposed to go see a sneak preview of Bewitched last night (which is really good, go see it!) but he just didn't feel up to being surrounded by a crowd of people. At first I was pretty disappointed and behaved badly as a result. I was able to make some peace with it and came to a point of acceptance after dinner. Today I can see that it was a good thing that I went alone. I think I needed a little alone time and going to a movie was just perfect. I could let go and just be in the moment in my own little bubble. I felt SO relaxed when I got home. Master was visibly relaxed, dare I say Jell-Oesque.
Today we're both in much better moods which is a relief. I don't know about him or anyone else but when I'm that cranky I'm absolutely miserable and just aching for relief in any form.
As an unrelated side note, I have 50 gmail invites, if you want one leave me a comment.
Tuesday, June 21, 2005
Now for something completely different
I've been reading tonight, reading journals that I've just bumped across, written by two very phenomenal women. They're survivors just like me only they survived more horrible horrors. Reading other's stories makes me wonder what I ever complained about, y'know?
The truth is, we each have to play with the hand we're dealt, some get worse hands than others. Some get such good cards you wonder if they've stacked the deck. I stopped asking a long time ago, 'why?'. Sometimes there is no why, there is no reason, no rhyme, it just is.
There was a question asked, why do they do it? How can they justify it? They can't and they won't until pressed to do so. (they being child molesters) I've had too much first hand experience with them but not as much as others have. I don't know if the degree of exposure matters, once touched by one it leaves a dark mark on your soul that one is hard pressed to wash away.
Most of the time these days I'm happy, healthy, and don't give much thought to my past. Just, every so often, those thoughts creep in. Memories surface and won't leave me be until they're through with me. Master would likely say I shouldn't expose myself to other survivor's stories. He worries so about my mental health. Not so long ago it would have shattered me for days, or longer. I'm sure memories of me sobbing and rocking as he tried to glue me back together, are still fresh in his mind. I don't blame him for worrying, I bless him for it, thank him for it. I'm not so breakable now, stronger, sturdier, no shattering from old pains made fresh.
I'm constantly amazed by the strength of character displayed by women like these two, angel and Lili G. It gives me hope.
I've thought about chronicling my life the way they're doing but truth be told, I don't know how coherent it would be. My memories are jumbled and perhaps they're safer left as they are. I've dealt with most of them, tried to put them to rest as best I could. I'm not sure it's a good idea for me to bring them out and dust them off. Still, I applaud those who can and do.
The truth is, we each have to play with the hand we're dealt, some get worse hands than others. Some get such good cards you wonder if they've stacked the deck. I stopped asking a long time ago, 'why?'. Sometimes there is no why, there is no reason, no rhyme, it just is.
There was a question asked, why do they do it? How can they justify it? They can't and they won't until pressed to do so. (they being child molesters) I've had too much first hand experience with them but not as much as others have. I don't know if the degree of exposure matters, once touched by one it leaves a dark mark on your soul that one is hard pressed to wash away.
Most of the time these days I'm happy, healthy, and don't give much thought to my past. Just, every so often, those thoughts creep in. Memories surface and won't leave me be until they're through with me. Master would likely say I shouldn't expose myself to other survivor's stories. He worries so about my mental health. Not so long ago it would have shattered me for days, or longer. I'm sure memories of me sobbing and rocking as he tried to glue me back together, are still fresh in his mind. I don't blame him for worrying, I bless him for it, thank him for it. I'm not so breakable now, stronger, sturdier, no shattering from old pains made fresh.
I'm constantly amazed by the strength of character displayed by women like these two, angel and Lili G. It gives me hope.
I've thought about chronicling my life the way they're doing but truth be told, I don't know how coherent it would be. My memories are jumbled and perhaps they're safer left as they are. I've dealt with most of them, tried to put them to rest as best I could. I'm not sure it's a good idea for me to bring them out and dust them off. Still, I applaud those who can and do.
Monday, June 20, 2005
Just for Fun
I nicked this from Kaylem. It's early, I'm sleepy and well, I felt like doing something fun. heh!
You Are Subversion!
You are systematic and secretive. Sometimes even very calculating. Most everyone trusts you but they have no idea what really goes on in your head. You are capable of being nice or mean, whatever a situation calls for. You look out for #1.
You Are Subversion!
You are systematic and secretive. Sometimes even very calculating. Most everyone trusts you but they have no idea what really goes on in your head. You are capable of being nice or mean, whatever a situation calls for. You look out for #1.
Friday, June 17, 2005
MindF*cks
I'm sitting here in the midst of prepping myself for Master. I started last night with painting my toenails, today I put on a clear coat. As soon as that's dry I'll head upstairs for a shave.
Why, you ask? Well, it's simple. We're in the middle of a possible mindf*ck or not. Yesterday Master came home from work and declared he was in alpha male mode and I'd better be careful. Yeah, if we know anything about me we know that, that would be the time that I'd be extremely careless. I love playing with Master when he's in that mindset. He gets all brutal and growly and it just turns me on.
So, after a little conversation he told me to head upstairs with him. I headed into the bathroom to relieve my bladder and when I came out he was nude. I was definitely thrilled at this site. *shiver* He then had me strip and bent me over the end of the bed where he proceeded to spank my behind. The whole time he talked about pictures of me that he'd printed out and shared with a friend of his earlier in the week and how the friend very much enjoyed them. Then he began to talk about how he was going to let the friend use me.
He continued to talk about this throughout the spanking and while he f*cked me, asking me if I liked being used like that, reminding me that I am his and can be used like that if he chooses. I whimpered in response. It's difficult for me to give in and admit that I'm his wanton slut and, if he so desires, someone else's wanton slut. I don't know why this is because I'm quite comfy with my sexuality and with my sexual appetites.
Later on in the evening Master left me an e-mail about how I need to be freshly shaved because he won't share a "prickly pussy", as he puts it, with his friend. So, here I am, making preparations so that I'm ready for whatever he has planned. Part of me would like to doubt that he really will give me to his friend but I also know just how much he enjoys seeing me with others. Then again, I also know how much he likes to play with my mind. All I can really do is go with it and be prepared for anything. I knew what he was about when I begged for and accepted his collar.
Why, you ask? Well, it's simple. We're in the middle of a possible mindf*ck or not. Yesterday Master came home from work and declared he was in alpha male mode and I'd better be careful. Yeah, if we know anything about me we know that, that would be the time that I'd be extremely careless. I love playing with Master when he's in that mindset. He gets all brutal and growly and it just turns me on.
So, after a little conversation he told me to head upstairs with him. I headed into the bathroom to relieve my bladder and when I came out he was nude. I was definitely thrilled at this site. *shiver* He then had me strip and bent me over the end of the bed where he proceeded to spank my behind. The whole time he talked about pictures of me that he'd printed out and shared with a friend of his earlier in the week and how the friend very much enjoyed them. Then he began to talk about how he was going to let the friend use me.
He continued to talk about this throughout the spanking and while he f*cked me, asking me if I liked being used like that, reminding me that I am his and can be used like that if he chooses. I whimpered in response. It's difficult for me to give in and admit that I'm his wanton slut and, if he so desires, someone else's wanton slut. I don't know why this is because I'm quite comfy with my sexuality and with my sexual appetites.
Later on in the evening Master left me an e-mail about how I need to be freshly shaved because he won't share a "prickly pussy", as he puts it, with his friend. So, here I am, making preparations so that I'm ready for whatever he has planned. Part of me would like to doubt that he really will give me to his friend but I also know just how much he enjoys seeing me with others. Then again, I also know how much he likes to play with my mind. All I can really do is go with it and be prepared for anything. I knew what he was about when I begged for and accepted his collar.
Thursday, June 16, 2005
Hanging with Friends
There was an article in this month's issue of Simply Service that really got me to thinking. The author stated that we don't often take enough time for ourselves to recharge the batteries. I found myself nodding my head while reading the article. It's true for me at least and probably Master too. Neither of us really gets, or takes, the time to recharge.
So last night Master and I went out with some lifestyle friends. It wasn't anything special, just sitting at a bar and chatting, but it was nice. I enjoyed the down time. I didn't have to manage the kids, didn't have to do much but make sure Master had a drink when he wanted one and enjoy the conversation.
It was nice to be with like-minded people where I could be totally myself without worry. I'm looking forward to the public play party that we're going to attend next weekend. We're going as spectators, total tourists, not doing a thing to organize or work the party. That, I think, will be very relaxing.
Just before we started getting ready for our evening out Master decided to give me a bit of a spanking. I was in heaven! I don't know when it happened but at some point I began to really enjoy spankings quite a lot. The best part was seeing Master's rather obvious display of his enjoyment (he was nude). It's just too bad we didn't have more time because I would have dearly loved to show him my appreciation for the spanking.
I told him on the way home from the bar that seeing him erect after giving me a spanking really reaffirmed for me that he enjoys spanking me. All the time spent with M flogging or spanking me just because I needed it sort of screwed me up a bit. It's important to me that I'm not getting something simply because I want, or need, it. If that's the case I'd rather not have it, that seems like too much control to me.
I understand that my dominant partners do want to see me happy (and I appreciate that) but I don't want them to do things that they don't like in order to make me happy. It seems then as if they're serving me, my needs and wants over theirs, and that leaves me not feeling as if I'm submitting and worse, I feel as if they're unable to master me. In fact, M (who did give me pain play only because I needed it despite his not really enjoying it) wasn't really able to master me. It's kind of ironic now, after several years of no pain play between us, that he's finding a bit of the sadist in himself whenever we're together.
At any rate, I'm glad Master enjoys spanking me and pain play in general. I'm also glad he doesn't always give it to me when I ask for it. It's comforting to me that he maintains control.
So last night Master and I went out with some lifestyle friends. It wasn't anything special, just sitting at a bar and chatting, but it was nice. I enjoyed the down time. I didn't have to manage the kids, didn't have to do much but make sure Master had a drink when he wanted one and enjoy the conversation.
It was nice to be with like-minded people where I could be totally myself without worry. I'm looking forward to the public play party that we're going to attend next weekend. We're going as spectators, total tourists, not doing a thing to organize or work the party. That, I think, will be very relaxing.
Just before we started getting ready for our evening out Master decided to give me a bit of a spanking. I was in heaven! I don't know when it happened but at some point I began to really enjoy spankings quite a lot. The best part was seeing Master's rather obvious display of his enjoyment (he was nude). It's just too bad we didn't have more time because I would have dearly loved to show him my appreciation for the spanking.
I told him on the way home from the bar that seeing him erect after giving me a spanking really reaffirmed for me that he enjoys spanking me. All the time spent with M flogging or spanking me just because I needed it sort of screwed me up a bit. It's important to me that I'm not getting something simply because I want, or need, it. If that's the case I'd rather not have it, that seems like too much control to me.
I understand that my dominant partners do want to see me happy (and I appreciate that) but I don't want them to do things that they don't like in order to make me happy. It seems then as if they're serving me, my needs and wants over theirs, and that leaves me not feeling as if I'm submitting and worse, I feel as if they're unable to master me. In fact, M (who did give me pain play only because I needed it despite his not really enjoying it) wasn't really able to master me. It's kind of ironic now, after several years of no pain play between us, that he's finding a bit of the sadist in himself whenever we're together.
At any rate, I'm glad Master enjoys spanking me and pain play in general. I'm also glad he doesn't always give it to me when I ask for it. It's comforting to me that he maintains control.
Tuesday, June 14, 2005
Fearing Slavery
I've noticed that a lot of folks who aren't participants in M/s, are either baffled or uncomfortable, or both, at the thought of giving (or even taking) so much control to another person as is done in M/s relationships.
This is something I understand. I had a lot of fears and misunderstandings when I was just beginning my kinky explorations. I couldn't even begin to fathom giving up that much control to another person. It actually scared me to think about it and I held very tightly to my own control and kept a nice list of limits just to be safe.
When you see the vast information about M/s on the Web and not a lot of real life experience to balance it, it can seem daunting or even crazy. There are lists of rules a mile long out there intended for slaves with no mention of the responsibilities of the master and no mention of daily life. These lists, in my opinion, can make M/s appear unrealistic ,and even unsafe, and insane.
It took getting to know some real time slaves and masters to overcome my fear of slavery. Why overcome it? Because I was drawn to it, I craved a deeper control a deeper sense of belonging, I needed to be owned. So, I had a good reason to overcome my fears.
What is wrong with showing the real life side of M/s? It isn't all about how the slave takes a beating with dignified stoicism, it isn't all about serving gracefully in the nude. It's about the exchange of power, it's about trust. Even if there isn't romantic love, it's still a partnership where two people are working toward a common goal.
Is it possible, that if M/s were presented realistically that there would be less cause for fear and misunderstanding? I'd like to think so. I know seeing realistic presentations eased my fears and actually facilitated my understanding.
This is something I understand. I had a lot of fears and misunderstandings when I was just beginning my kinky explorations. I couldn't even begin to fathom giving up that much control to another person. It actually scared me to think about it and I held very tightly to my own control and kept a nice list of limits just to be safe.
When you see the vast information about M/s on the Web and not a lot of real life experience to balance it, it can seem daunting or even crazy. There are lists of rules a mile long out there intended for slaves with no mention of the responsibilities of the master and no mention of daily life. These lists, in my opinion, can make M/s appear unrealistic ,and even unsafe, and insane.
It took getting to know some real time slaves and masters to overcome my fear of slavery. Why overcome it? Because I was drawn to it, I craved a deeper control a deeper sense of belonging, I needed to be owned. So, I had a good reason to overcome my fears.
What is wrong with showing the real life side of M/s? It isn't all about how the slave takes a beating with dignified stoicism, it isn't all about serving gracefully in the nude. It's about the exchange of power, it's about trust. Even if there isn't romantic love, it's still a partnership where two people are working toward a common goal.
Is it possible, that if M/s were presented realistically that there would be less cause for fear and misunderstanding? I'd like to think so. I know seeing realistic presentations eased my fears and actually facilitated my understanding.
Sunday, June 12, 2005
Cold Burn
I wanted to write about last night's cutting. I began writing last night but, sometimes I wonder if I'm too open. Too frank. So, I deleted my post. But here I am again today, talking about it. I need to.
Last night Master did more work on the cutting on my back, trying to make each line scar and keloid like two of them have. It isn't easy, you never know exactly how a cut will scar, or won't. You can make each cut the same depth and still, each one heals differently.
Last night's cutting was more intense than other sessions. I was lying face down on the bed so he had excellent access to my back and had less trouble with the blood flowing. I moaned without any conscious thought or will to do so. Master had to shush me and until he did I wasn't really aware that I was moaning so focused was I on the feel of the blade swimming through my skin.
Master pointed out that lying down is a more vulnerable position which is likely why it felt so much more intense. If I'd given it even a small amount of though I'd have come to the same conclusion but my brain was a bit addled with all those lovely endorphins.
Each time Master draws my blood I feel as if I'm making an excellent sacrifice to him, my god. It is a bit of a ritual, I strip as he lays out his instruments, I lay down as he pulls on those blue gloves and I shiver a little as I hear them snap into place. I think he does that snapping bit just for effect. Then the cold and the familiar, almost welcome, scent of alcohol as he cleans my skin. Without any preamble, he begins to cut. He begins by placing one hand on my shoulder to as a balance, and then the blade slices through my flesh as if it were of no more substance than tissue paper. The breath I'd sucked in eases out through pursed lips and I suck in another breath, slowly so as not to hyperventilate. This little dance is done over and over until the cutting is complete, breathe in, cut, exhale, breathe in, cut, exhale.
It is over in what feels like seconds and I lay there in a muzzy stupor, asking silly questions like "You're done?"
The sex afterwards is delicious, we're both primed and ravenous for it. The rest of the night is spent feeling silly and mushy, I couldn't keep myself from reaching out to touch his hand, his arm, while sitting on the couch watching a movie. I must have told him "I love you" a million times and each time I said it I felt like I hadn't said it enough.
Last night Master did more work on the cutting on my back, trying to make each line scar and keloid like two of them have. It isn't easy, you never know exactly how a cut will scar, or won't. You can make each cut the same depth and still, each one heals differently.
Last night's cutting was more intense than other sessions. I was lying face down on the bed so he had excellent access to my back and had less trouble with the blood flowing. I moaned without any conscious thought or will to do so. Master had to shush me and until he did I wasn't really aware that I was moaning so focused was I on the feel of the blade swimming through my skin.
Master pointed out that lying down is a more vulnerable position which is likely why it felt so much more intense. If I'd given it even a small amount of though I'd have come to the same conclusion but my brain was a bit addled with all those lovely endorphins.
Each time Master draws my blood I feel as if I'm making an excellent sacrifice to him, my god. It is a bit of a ritual, I strip as he lays out his instruments, I lay down as he pulls on those blue gloves and I shiver a little as I hear them snap into place. I think he does that snapping bit just for effect. Then the cold and the familiar, almost welcome, scent of alcohol as he cleans my skin. Without any preamble, he begins to cut. He begins by placing one hand on my shoulder to as a balance, and then the blade slices through my flesh as if it were of no more substance than tissue paper. The breath I'd sucked in eases out through pursed lips and I suck in another breath, slowly so as not to hyperventilate. This little dance is done over and over until the cutting is complete, breathe in, cut, exhale, breathe in, cut, exhale.
It is over in what feels like seconds and I lay there in a muzzy stupor, asking silly questions like "You're done?"
The sex afterwards is delicious, we're both primed and ravenous for it. The rest of the night is spent feeling silly and mushy, I couldn't keep myself from reaching out to touch his hand, his arm, while sitting on the couch watching a movie. I must have told him "I love you" a million times and each time I said it I felt like I hadn't said it enough.
Friday, June 10, 2005
Need
I am awash with need for him today. I woke up wishing he was in bed beside me stroking my nude body as I stretched and shook the sleep from my mind. I sit here reading blogs and checking e-mail and the need just simmers in me, getting warmer the longer it simmers, perfecting the stew.
What is it about him that makes me ache this way? I don't entirely understand it. Despite what he might teasingly say, no other man could sate this need the way he can. It's not a need for cock in general, it's a need for his cock, his touch, his words, him. Sex with him is rarely rough though I'd happily oblige if it were, but it isn't what I'd call "making love" either. We f*ck and I wouldn't have it any other way, I don't think he would either. We're well suited to each other in that way.
We won't have an opportunity to connect until later tonight and then it's likely we'll both be too tired to do anything about it. So I'll continue to simmer until he can take me off the burner and stir the pot. *grins*
What is it about him that makes me ache this way? I don't entirely understand it. Despite what he might teasingly say, no other man could sate this need the way he can. It's not a need for cock in general, it's a need for his cock, his touch, his words, him. Sex with him is rarely rough though I'd happily oblige if it were, but it isn't what I'd call "making love" either. We f*ck and I wouldn't have it any other way, I don't think he would either. We're well suited to each other in that way.
We won't have an opportunity to connect until later tonight and then it's likely we'll both be too tired to do anything about it. So I'll continue to simmer until he can take me off the burner and stir the pot. *grins*
Thursday, June 09, 2005
More Thoughts on Protocol
As I was reading Beauty's Punishment, of all things, I realized some of what it is about formal protocols regarding behavior and speech, and even (or especially) heavy SM, that is tantalizing to me. I need to be used hard, I need the ritual of it, the regularity of it. That probably seems pretty vague.
I'll try to flesh out my thoughts a little further, though they're still sort of jumbled in my head.
In the story there is a point where a slave is speaking to his master. The master is trying to figure out what motivates slaves and this slave in particular. Through this conversation they both come to realize that it is the rigors of the slavery that motivates. Each trial becomes an adventure to the slave. I'm not sure I'd call it an adventure exactly but, I am driven to please my owner and I look at opportunities to do so as a challenge to rise to.
The more I am used (more than just sexually) and restricted, the more content I feel. When I'm given more autonomy I begin to feel out of sorts and I get cranky, sort of like when you don't get a full night's sleep or when you leave the house without your wallet. I feel almost naked, there is an absence of that certain something that makes me feel complete.
When I am used hard, sometimes debased and objectified, it feels as if all the planets have aligned and I'm whole. Even when I'm struggling with something Master wants, all is as it should be and I feel content.
So therein lies the draw, for me, to formal protocol dealing with behavior and speech. It's ritualized and emphasizes the dividing line between Top and bottom, Master and slave. It's that emphasis that draws me, that one thing, or several things that help to make me feel like a slave.
I believe this is why some of us use mantras and meditations to help us be continually mindful of our position. We ritualize the mundane to create a mindful attitude and to help maintain the headspace we so crave.
I'll try to flesh out my thoughts a little further, though they're still sort of jumbled in my head.
In the story there is a point where a slave is speaking to his master. The master is trying to figure out what motivates slaves and this slave in particular. Through this conversation they both come to realize that it is the rigors of the slavery that motivates. Each trial becomes an adventure to the slave. I'm not sure I'd call it an adventure exactly but, I am driven to please my owner and I look at opportunities to do so as a challenge to rise to.
The more I am used (more than just sexually) and restricted, the more content I feel. When I'm given more autonomy I begin to feel out of sorts and I get cranky, sort of like when you don't get a full night's sleep or when you leave the house without your wallet. I feel almost naked, there is an absence of that certain something that makes me feel complete.
When I am used hard, sometimes debased and objectified, it feels as if all the planets have aligned and I'm whole. Even when I'm struggling with something Master wants, all is as it should be and I feel content.
So therein lies the draw, for me, to formal protocol dealing with behavior and speech. It's ritualized and emphasizes the dividing line between Top and bottom, Master and slave. It's that emphasis that draws me, that one thing, or several things that help to make me feel like a slave.
I believe this is why some of us use mantras and meditations to help us be continually mindful of our position. We ritualize the mundane to create a mindful attitude and to help maintain the headspace we so crave.
Wednesday, June 08, 2005
Protocol
Recently on my local group's discussion list there has been talk of protocol. So far I'm seeing only dominants weighing in about how submissives and slaves should be expected to behave.
I wonder if they believe that dominants should be held to certain standards of behavior as well or if they believe that dominants are infallible simply because they choose to call themselves dominant.
Protocol, in this slave's opinion, is a set of societally dictated behaviors. Etiquette is protocol, so too are certain modes of address, and behavior, etc. Our local group has not adopted any protocols other than basic respect and common courtesy. These are expected of all members be they dominant, submissive, or something in between.
Sometimes the idea of more formal protocols, such as specific modes of address from submissives to dominants, is appealing. However, our group will not likely adopt more formal protocols as we pride ourselves on being relaxed and welcoming to all. I'm not sure how I'd feel about going into a group that expected and enforced formal protocols. I'd be concerned about those who just decide to take upon themselves the title of dominant and abuse it. I don't want to be required to show respect and deference to a person such as that.
So, any expectations of formal protocol would have to come from Master or m'Lady and I really don't think either of them are inclined to enforce such behavior.
I believe formal protocol, specifically dealing with modes of address and behavior, do have their place in the D/s and, especially, the M/s Lifestyle. They're excellent tools to reinforce one's position be it dominant or submissive. I think that being expected to act and speak a certain way would help me on those days when I'm not feeling very slave like.
I admit to wondering what it would be like to be surrounded by folks who practice and expect more formal protocols. I wonder if it would get tiring or if it would feel somehow contrived, or would I be surprised? Would it feel natural and right?
I wonder if they believe that dominants should be held to certain standards of behavior as well or if they believe that dominants are infallible simply because they choose to call themselves dominant.
Protocol, in this slave's opinion, is a set of societally dictated behaviors. Etiquette is protocol, so too are certain modes of address, and behavior, etc. Our local group has not adopted any protocols other than basic respect and common courtesy. These are expected of all members be they dominant, submissive, or something in between.
Sometimes the idea of more formal protocols, such as specific modes of address from submissives to dominants, is appealing. However, our group will not likely adopt more formal protocols as we pride ourselves on being relaxed and welcoming to all. I'm not sure how I'd feel about going into a group that expected and enforced formal protocols. I'd be concerned about those who just decide to take upon themselves the title of dominant and abuse it. I don't want to be required to show respect and deference to a person such as that.
So, any expectations of formal protocol would have to come from Master or m'Lady and I really don't think either of them are inclined to enforce such behavior.
I believe formal protocol, specifically dealing with modes of address and behavior, do have their place in the D/s and, especially, the M/s Lifestyle. They're excellent tools to reinforce one's position be it dominant or submissive. I think that being expected to act and speak a certain way would help me on those days when I'm not feeling very slave like.
I admit to wondering what it would be like to be surrounded by folks who practice and expect more formal protocols. I wonder if it would get tiring or if it would feel somehow contrived, or would I be surprised? Would it feel natural and right?
Saturday, June 04, 2005
Burnout
I think I'm a bit burned out. A few years ago I allowed myself to be encouraged and talked into running for the board (leadership) of our local BDSM group. It has been a good experience for me, actually it's been really great. I've learned a lot and it's helped me to come a little further out of the shell I was hiding in.
Then, last year, I had the brilliant idea that our group needed a space for the submissives to talk freely. I'd noticed that we'd had a lot of good topics at other discussions but that the dominants tended to rule the discussions. I don't hold this against them, it's what they do, and I think sometimes we submissives and slaves fall into the habit of keeping quiet while the dominants talk, occasionally piping up to voice an opinion, at least I do. I find myself somewhat intimidated by numerous dominants and my natural inclination is to become part of the background and just listen. I do that a lot in day to day life, I'm more of a listener than a talker.
Anyway, I brought my idea to my fellow board members and Bob's your uncle, I was nominated to create the group and to lead it. At first I was inspired, driven, and really excited. I was also nervous and petrified at having to speak in front of all these people; knowing them didn't ease my anxiety. Have I ever mentioned that I truly hate public speaking? During the first speech I gave in my college speech class, I shook from head to toe. My shaking was visible, especially to the gal in the front row who said "Oh my gawd she's shaking!" Yeah, that helps.
Anyway, I got through the first forum and went on to lead many more. Just after the first of the year, I began to feel it. Burnout. I began to dread the forum and I was mentally exhausted afterwards. Then I had the brilliant idea of changing to an every other month format with the hopes that that would ease my burnout. But I don't think it has. I'm hard pressed to create good presentations.
Yet, at the same time I still have the desire to lead, to give back to my fellows in leather. I think it's uber important for there to be resources for those already in the lifestyle and for those just coming in. It doesn't seem that there are too many out there, at least in our community, that have the time or the energy to give to make these things happen. I can't seem to just walk away, I feel a sense of responsibility to keep things going. So, since I'm able and I'm willing, I step up and do what needs doing.
I've really gotten a lot out of being in leadership positions, my public speaking skills have improved and I'm more outgoing than I once was. I've gained a lot of self-confidence too. I just wish I had some help, some support. I feel like I'm all alone sometimes and only a few appreciate the work I'm doing. Not that being appreciated is necessary, but it sure does go a long way toward making all the work seem worthwhile. Y'know?
I'm not sure yet what I'm going to do. I would like to find a co-leader for the submissive's forum, possibly alternate months for presenting topics. I'm afraid that Master and m'Lady will force me to step down from the board and let the forum go if they think I'm burned out. I sincerely hope they don't. These things mean a lot to me and I've gotten so much out of it. I just need to find a way to refresh myself and to get re-inspired; to recharge.
Then, last year, I had the brilliant idea that our group needed a space for the submissives to talk freely. I'd noticed that we'd had a lot of good topics at other discussions but that the dominants tended to rule the discussions. I don't hold this against them, it's what they do, and I think sometimes we submissives and slaves fall into the habit of keeping quiet while the dominants talk, occasionally piping up to voice an opinion, at least I do. I find myself somewhat intimidated by numerous dominants and my natural inclination is to become part of the background and just listen. I do that a lot in day to day life, I'm more of a listener than a talker.
Anyway, I brought my idea to my fellow board members and Bob's your uncle, I was nominated to create the group and to lead it. At first I was inspired, driven, and really excited. I was also nervous and petrified at having to speak in front of all these people; knowing them didn't ease my anxiety. Have I ever mentioned that I truly hate public speaking? During the first speech I gave in my college speech class, I shook from head to toe. My shaking was visible, especially to the gal in the front row who said "Oh my gawd she's shaking!" Yeah, that helps.
Anyway, I got through the first forum and went on to lead many more. Just after the first of the year, I began to feel it. Burnout. I began to dread the forum and I was mentally exhausted afterwards. Then I had the brilliant idea of changing to an every other month format with the hopes that that would ease my burnout. But I don't think it has. I'm hard pressed to create good presentations.
Yet, at the same time I still have the desire to lead, to give back to my fellows in leather. I think it's uber important for there to be resources for those already in the lifestyle and for those just coming in. It doesn't seem that there are too many out there, at least in our community, that have the time or the energy to give to make these things happen. I can't seem to just walk away, I feel a sense of responsibility to keep things going. So, since I'm able and I'm willing, I step up and do what needs doing.
I've really gotten a lot out of being in leadership positions, my public speaking skills have improved and I'm more outgoing than I once was. I've gained a lot of self-confidence too. I just wish I had some help, some support. I feel like I'm all alone sometimes and only a few appreciate the work I'm doing. Not that being appreciated is necessary, but it sure does go a long way toward making all the work seem worthwhile. Y'know?
I'm not sure yet what I'm going to do. I would like to find a co-leader for the submissive's forum, possibly alternate months for presenting topics. I'm afraid that Master and m'Lady will force me to step down from the board and let the forum go if they think I'm burned out. I sincerely hope they don't. These things mean a lot to me and I've gotten so much out of it. I just need to find a way to refresh myself and to get re-inspired; to recharge.
Thursday, June 02, 2005
Fantasy Talk
When the mood hits, not that mood, Master and I talk about how things will be when the kids are grown and on their own. One of his favorite things to talk about is how I won't be allowed to wear any clothes in the house. I'm trying to wrap my head around this. I'm a practical kind of girl and running about the house naked all the time, while it sounds fun and hot and all that, just doesn't seem practical.
I realize that Master's whims don't have to be practical, I just can't help thinking about the what ifs. I'm sure, knowing him as I do, he'd have contingency plans in place for things like surprise guests, etc. As I've said before, the thing he enjoys most is playing with my mind and I'm betting he'll grin like the Cheshire Cat when he reads this entry. The worst part about his mindf*cks is that you just never know for sure. It could be that he's just saying something to see a reaction, then again, he could be serious and saying it to see the reaction.
Back to the original idea, fantasy talk... I look forward to more Master and me time. I look forward to being able to play if we choose to or being able to sit naked next to him on the couch watching t.v. I wonder if other M/s couples with kids have the same talks about the possibilities like Master and I do.
I love thinking about the possibilities.
I realize that Master's whims don't have to be practical, I just can't help thinking about the what ifs. I'm sure, knowing him as I do, he'd have contingency plans in place for things like surprise guests, etc. As I've said before, the thing he enjoys most is playing with my mind and I'm betting he'll grin like the Cheshire Cat when he reads this entry. The worst part about his mindf*cks is that you just never know for sure. It could be that he's just saying something to see a reaction, then again, he could be serious and saying it to see the reaction.
Back to the original idea, fantasy talk... I look forward to more Master and me time. I look forward to being able to play if we choose to or being able to sit naked next to him on the couch watching t.v. I wonder if other M/s couples with kids have the same talks about the possibilities like Master and I do.
I love thinking about the possibilities.
Quizzy Fun
I nicked this from luna
Quiz/Tag
Have you ever?
(x) snuck out of the house
( ) gotten lost in your city
(x) seen a shooting star
( ) been to any other countries besides US
(x) had a serious surgery
(x) gone out in public in your pajamas
(x) kissed a stranger
(x) hugged a stranger
( ) been in a fist fight
( ) been arrested
( ) laughed and had milk/coke come out of your nose
(x) pushed all the buttons on an elevator
(x) swore at your parents
(x) been in love
(x) been close to love
(x) been to a casino
( ) been skydiving
( ) skinny dipped
(x) skipped school
(x) seen a therapist
( ) done the splits
( ) played spin the bottle
(x) gotten stitches
( ) drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour
(x) bitten someone
( ) been to Niagara Falls
(x) gotten the chicken pox
(x) kissed a member of the opposite sex
( ) crashed into a friend's car
( ) been to Japan
(x) ridden in a taxi
(x) been dumped
(x) shoplifted
( ) been fired
(x) had a crush on someone of the same sex
(x) had feelings for someone who didn't have them back
( ) gone on a blind date
( ) lied to a friend
( ) had a crush on a teacher
( ) celebrated Mardi-Gras in new Orleans
( ) been to Europe
( ) slept with a co-worker
(x) been married
( ) gotten divorced
(x) had children
( ) seen someone die
( ) had a close friend die
( ) been to Africa
( ) driven over 400 miles in one day
( ) been to Canada
( ) been to Mexico
( ) been to India
( ) been on a plane
(x) seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show
( ) thrown up in a bar
( ) purposely set a part of myself on fire
( ) eaten sushi
(x) been skiing/snowboarding
(x) met someone in person from the internet
(x) lost a child
(x) gone to college/university
( ) graduated college/university
(x) fired a gun
(x) purposely hurt yourself
(x) taken painkillers
(x) been intimate with someone of the same gender
I'll be nice, no taggies but, it's kind of fun. ;-)
Quiz/Tag
Have you ever?
(x) snuck out of the house
( ) gotten lost in your city
(x) seen a shooting star
( ) been to any other countries besides US
(x) had a serious surgery
(x) gone out in public in your pajamas
(x) kissed a stranger
(x) hugged a stranger
( ) been in a fist fight
( ) been arrested
( ) laughed and had milk/coke come out of your nose
(x) pushed all the buttons on an elevator
(x) swore at your parents
(x) been in love
(x) been close to love
(x) been to a casino
( ) been skydiving
( ) skinny dipped
(x) skipped school
(x) seen a therapist
( ) done the splits
( ) played spin the bottle
(x) gotten stitches
( ) drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour
(x) bitten someone
( ) been to Niagara Falls
(x) gotten the chicken pox
(x) kissed a member of the opposite sex
( ) crashed into a friend's car
( ) been to Japan
(x) ridden in a taxi
(x) been dumped
(x) shoplifted
( ) been fired
(x) had a crush on someone of the same sex
(x) had feelings for someone who didn't have them back
( ) gone on a blind date
( ) lied to a friend
( ) had a crush on a teacher
( ) celebrated Mardi-Gras in new Orleans
( ) been to Europe
( ) slept with a co-worker
(x) been married
( ) gotten divorced
(x) had children
( ) seen someone die
( ) had a close friend die
( ) been to Africa
( ) driven over 400 miles in one day
( ) been to Canada
( ) been to Mexico
( ) been to India
( ) been on a plane
(x) seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show
( ) thrown up in a bar
( ) purposely set a part of myself on fire
( ) eaten sushi
(x) been skiing/snowboarding
(x) met someone in person from the internet
(x) lost a child
(x) gone to college/university
( ) graduated college/university
(x) fired a gun
(x) purposely hurt yourself
(x) taken painkillers
(x) been intimate with someone of the same gender
I'll be nice, no taggies but, it's kind of fun. ;-)
Wednesday, June 01, 2005
Acceptance and Celebration
This article is excellent and got my mental juices flowing again.
Unlike some, my embracing of SM felt natural. It didn't feel dirty and I didn't have guilt over it, it was simply another facet of myself that I'd uncovered and given a name to. Embracing my submissive self, however, was a little more difficult.
It was difficult only because I had to unlearn all the garbage my mother taught me. I've mentioned it elsewhere in my journal, I'm sure, that my mother was a single parent who had little use for men. She's not quite a man-hater but she's very close. She raised us girls to be independent, to dislike and distrust men (as if our early experiences with men were reason enough to write of the species), she raised us to be domineering women.
I had to unlearn all of that plus my inherent distrust of men that I developed due to childhood abuses. Once I got past that I felt so unburdened, light, free. It was truly a homecoming for me. I came home to my real self.
The above-linked article reminded me that it isn't this easy for everyone. It reminded me how tenuous our position in society is and it makes me angry that so many of us have to hide who we really are for fear of losing jobs, losing children, or in general fear of being ostracized. In this light, I applaud and admire those few of us who are courageous enough to be public about who they are, to be out.
I do what I can for the local community, taking care that I don't put myself too out there so as not to cause problems for our children. Master is more out than I am, but I think, his being the type of person he is affords him more slack from others. Perhaps I'm letting societal pressure to be "normal" dictate my behavior outside safe zones such as the privacy of our bedroom or gatherings with lifestyle friends. I'll have to think on that a bit more.
Mostly, what the above-linked article reminded me of is this, we have a lot to celebrate, we have a lot to be thankful for. There are many who die without ever having been able to fully be themselves, even in private.
Unlike some, my embracing of SM felt natural. It didn't feel dirty and I didn't have guilt over it, it was simply another facet of myself that I'd uncovered and given a name to. Embracing my submissive self, however, was a little more difficult.
It was difficult only because I had to unlearn all the garbage my mother taught me. I've mentioned it elsewhere in my journal, I'm sure, that my mother was a single parent who had little use for men. She's not quite a man-hater but she's very close. She raised us girls to be independent, to dislike and distrust men (as if our early experiences with men were reason enough to write of the species), she raised us to be domineering women.
I had to unlearn all of that plus my inherent distrust of men that I developed due to childhood abuses. Once I got past that I felt so unburdened, light, free. It was truly a homecoming for me. I came home to my real self.
The above-linked article reminded me that it isn't this easy for everyone. It reminded me how tenuous our position in society is and it makes me angry that so many of us have to hide who we really are for fear of losing jobs, losing children, or in general fear of being ostracized. In this light, I applaud and admire those few of us who are courageous enough to be public about who they are, to be out.
I do what I can for the local community, taking care that I don't put myself too out there so as not to cause problems for our children. Master is more out than I am, but I think, his being the type of person he is affords him more slack from others. Perhaps I'm letting societal pressure to be "normal" dictate my behavior outside safe zones such as the privacy of our bedroom or gatherings with lifestyle friends. I'll have to think on that a bit more.
Mostly, what the above-linked article reminded me of is this, we have a lot to celebrate, we have a lot to be thankful for. There are many who die without ever having been able to fully be themselves, even in private.
Tuesday, May 31, 2005
Down
I'm a little down today. I'm starting a temp job tonight and I'll work 3-11 Monday through Friday. It means I won't see Master during the week. I don't like that one bit. I wish they could have worked out a part-time deal for me.
I'm feeling really apprehensive about going to work tonight. I'm concerned about the drive there and back and I'm concerned about the pain I'm going to feel after sitting for 8 hours straight. I'm always a bit nervous about meeting new people before a new job, I hate that part. I'm also nervous about doing a good job and not looking like a total nitwit.
I think the hardest part of this is knowing that I won't get to see Master until the weekend. We'll be down to communicating by phone and by e-mail. It will be a lot like a long distance relationship yet we'll be living in the same house. It's really odd to think about.
I'm feeling really apprehensive about going to work tonight. I'm concerned about the drive there and back and I'm concerned about the pain I'm going to feel after sitting for 8 hours straight. I'm always a bit nervous about meeting new people before a new job, I hate that part. I'm also nervous about doing a good job and not looking like a total nitwit.
I think the hardest part of this is knowing that I won't get to see Master until the weekend. We'll be down to communicating by phone and by e-mail. It will be a lot like a long distance relationship yet we'll be living in the same house. It's really odd to think about.
Friday, May 27, 2005
Wednesday, May 25, 2005
Monday, May 23, 2005
Struggling
As often happens when I'm struggling with something, I got caught up in my upset and feelings of frustrations and I journaled.
I should have waited until I was clearer of head to write. Then again, perhaps the writing has aided in clearing my head, one can never be sure.
So, the fact of the matter is, I'm struggling in my slavery. I'm feeling lost and without direction and I'm struggling to continue to submit in what I feel is an absence of direction and control. I hate being unsure and feeling lost and I get a bit cranky and probably overly dramatic over it all.
In the clear light of day though, I realize that I've committed to this and that means I have to soldier on, I have to continue to do the work even when it seems as if he's withdrawn some. Unless he says "I release you" he still owns me and that doesn't exempt me from behaving as I should.
I think I stopped trusting him when I felt his control was missing. Without checking to see if he'd vacated it, I jumped into the driver's seat and took over. I don't know why I do this, especially when what I need at the time is more control from him. I suppose it's a lack of trust, or rather a fear that my trust was misplaced, that drove me. It's not an excuse, but it is a reason.
I owe him a huge apology and a much better behaved slave, if he'll still have me.
I should have waited until I was clearer of head to write. Then again, perhaps the writing has aided in clearing my head, one can never be sure.
So, the fact of the matter is, I'm struggling in my slavery. I'm feeling lost and without direction and I'm struggling to continue to submit in what I feel is an absence of direction and control. I hate being unsure and feeling lost and I get a bit cranky and probably overly dramatic over it all.
In the clear light of day though, I realize that I've committed to this and that means I have to soldier on, I have to continue to do the work even when it seems as if he's withdrawn some. Unless he says "I release you" he still owns me and that doesn't exempt me from behaving as I should.
I think I stopped trusting him when I felt his control was missing. Without checking to see if he'd vacated it, I jumped into the driver's seat and took over. I don't know why I do this, especially when what I need at the time is more control from him. I suppose it's a lack of trust, or rather a fear that my trust was misplaced, that drove me. It's not an excuse, but it is a reason.
I owe him a huge apology and a much better behaved slave, if he'll still have me.
Sunday, May 22, 2005
Confused
I don't understand why he doesn't take advantages of opportunities that present themselves. I feel kind of hurt and rejected when he doesn't. Then I get cranky because I'm positively seething with need. It's just no good if I have to say to him "Dom me dangit!" what's the point then? He's doing it because I asked for it, not because he wants to.
I know that seems really silly, most would probably say "At least he's doing it." But there's a world of difference between him asserting his dominance because he wants to and doing it because I asked for it. It's like the difference between eating a frozen pizza and a fresh one from a really good pizza place. The frozen pizza is OK and serves to nourish you with a pizza-like flavor, the other is an experience to be savored and enjoyed and it sates your craving for pizza.
I think we're stuck in a viscious cycle and I'm probably part of the problem. He's been extremely relaxed and laid back, almost vanilla. I'm still serving out of habit and because that's one thing he still expects. But when it comes to other things, I've taken on the attitude of "Why bother? You're not going to do anything if I don't." It's a horrible attitude to have, disrespectful, and intolerable. Yet, here I am, cranky and full of attitude. Sometimes I need to be forced. I know that he shouldn't have to force me and I'm betting that he likely feels as if it's not worth it if he has to force me. I just wish he'd be consistent.
I understand he's tired, he's exhausted, he's giving all he has to his work in order to keep our family afloat and his meds seem to have taken a lot of the vigor out of him. Understanding the reasons doesn't change the fact that I feel neglected. I feel like I'm the only one that wants the M/s right now.
I often wonder if behaving myself and doing all my duties will help the situation. The cynical side of me asks if it's helped up to this point. I don't know the answers, maybe there aren't any.
I know that seems really silly, most would probably say "At least he's doing it." But there's a world of difference between him asserting his dominance because he wants to and doing it because I asked for it. It's like the difference between eating a frozen pizza and a fresh one from a really good pizza place. The frozen pizza is OK and serves to nourish you with a pizza-like flavor, the other is an experience to be savored and enjoyed and it sates your craving for pizza.
I think we're stuck in a viscious cycle and I'm probably part of the problem. He's been extremely relaxed and laid back, almost vanilla. I'm still serving out of habit and because that's one thing he still expects. But when it comes to other things, I've taken on the attitude of "Why bother? You're not going to do anything if I don't." It's a horrible attitude to have, disrespectful, and intolerable. Yet, here I am, cranky and full of attitude. Sometimes I need to be forced. I know that he shouldn't have to force me and I'm betting that he likely feels as if it's not worth it if he has to force me. I just wish he'd be consistent.
I understand he's tired, he's exhausted, he's giving all he has to his work in order to keep our family afloat and his meds seem to have taken a lot of the vigor out of him. Understanding the reasons doesn't change the fact that I feel neglected. I feel like I'm the only one that wants the M/s right now.
I often wonder if behaving myself and doing all my duties will help the situation. The cynical side of me asks if it's helped up to this point. I don't know the answers, maybe there aren't any.
Friday, May 20, 2005
Growth
Master read through my entire journal today, he read the archives, some he'd never had the privilege of seeing because they were on a previous incarnation of my journal; before I'd told him I had an online journal, before I'd offered it up for his perusal.
He told me it was interesting to see how I'd grown and changed over time, I believe the word he used was improved but it's late and my memory isn't always the best.
I blushed knowing that some of the things I'd written weren't always favorable and early on some of my writing was, well to me it seems shallow. I don't really edit myself when I journal but these days I try to be more objective and less wrapped up in my own emotions.
I still feel like I have a lot left to learn, I don't think one ever stops learning or runs out of things to improve on. If that happens then perhaps it's time to look at learning some new skills.
He's right though, I really have grown a lot over the years. He mentioned my writing about how I was having a hard time giving control over to him. I remember writing it and I remember the feelings of irritation and frustration I had. He seemed so demanding and this was my husband, the man I'd been practically equal to for about half my lifetime. It seemed like an impossible task at the time, I felt like I'd never be a good submissive for him. But now look at me, I'm his slave, I passed submissive and dove right into the deep end of the pool. lol
I have days when I don't feel like I'm being a good slave, but I realize now that it's not so much that I feel like I'm bad but that I'm not fulfilling my potential. I guess one of the major areas of growth for me is my self-esteem. I don't really see failure at a task as a reflection on my worth as a person. I'm not sure that words could do justice in expressing the gratitude I feel to my Master, my Sir, and my lady, for their help in this. I don't think I'd be as well along as I am without their encouragement and sometimes, less than gentle shoves to keep trying.
Journals can be an invaluable tool in D/s relationships or even in vanilla relationships. It gives a person a safe place to express themselves and for the partner, dominant or not, a microscope into the inner workings of their mate. Sometimes I think being able to read a journal that Master kept would be a boon. I don't always know if I'm pleasing him, sometimes I doubt myself as only a perfectionist can. *chuckles* Beyond the relationship benefits, a journal can be used for one's own personal growth. I find it extremely helpful to look back on my older entries to see where I was at that time and to see how I've progressed since then and maybe see areas where I still need some work. Of course, I could be the only one that thinks this because I'm a self-improvement junkie. *wry grins*
I like having a formal record of my life and of my growth as a person and as a submissive. I really like that my Master took the time today to point out that I really have grown. Thank you Master.
He told me it was interesting to see how I'd grown and changed over time, I believe the word he used was improved but it's late and my memory isn't always the best.
I blushed knowing that some of the things I'd written weren't always favorable and early on some of my writing was, well to me it seems shallow. I don't really edit myself when I journal but these days I try to be more objective and less wrapped up in my own emotions.
I still feel like I have a lot left to learn, I don't think one ever stops learning or runs out of things to improve on. If that happens then perhaps it's time to look at learning some new skills.
He's right though, I really have grown a lot over the years. He mentioned my writing about how I was having a hard time giving control over to him. I remember writing it and I remember the feelings of irritation and frustration I had. He seemed so demanding and this was my husband, the man I'd been practically equal to for about half my lifetime. It seemed like an impossible task at the time, I felt like I'd never be a good submissive for him. But now look at me, I'm his slave, I passed submissive and dove right into the deep end of the pool. lol
I have days when I don't feel like I'm being a good slave, but I realize now that it's not so much that I feel like I'm bad but that I'm not fulfilling my potential. I guess one of the major areas of growth for me is my self-esteem. I don't really see failure at a task as a reflection on my worth as a person. I'm not sure that words could do justice in expressing the gratitude I feel to my Master, my Sir, and my lady, for their help in this. I don't think I'd be as well along as I am without their encouragement and sometimes, less than gentle shoves to keep trying.
Journals can be an invaluable tool in D/s relationships or even in vanilla relationships. It gives a person a safe place to express themselves and for the partner, dominant or not, a microscope into the inner workings of their mate. Sometimes I think being able to read a journal that Master kept would be a boon. I don't always know if I'm pleasing him, sometimes I doubt myself as only a perfectionist can. *chuckles* Beyond the relationship benefits, a journal can be used for one's own personal growth. I find it extremely helpful to look back on my older entries to see where I was at that time and to see how I've progressed since then and maybe see areas where I still need some work. Of course, I could be the only one that thinks this because I'm a self-improvement junkie. *wry grins*
I like having a formal record of my life and of my growth as a person and as a submissive. I really like that my Master took the time today to point out that I really have grown. Thank you Master.
Thursday, May 19, 2005
Tagged
I just found out that I've been tagged by Luna so, here we go with something fun. :-)
1)Total number of books I've owned.
I honestly don't know, I've never counted them. We'll just say I have a lot of books and leave it at that.
2) The last book I bought.
The Perfumed Sleeve by Laura Joh Rowland. It's a murder mystery set in Feudal Japan and is really well written.
3) The Last Book I read.
The last book I read was The Story of O by Pauline Réage and I'm currently re-reading The Marketplace by Laura Antoniou. Both are good lifestyle fiction books.
4)5 books that mean alot to you...
The Sleeping Beauty series by Anne Rice, written as R. N. Roquelaure, because they were gifted to me by my good friend elle.
A Spell for Chameleon by Piers Anthony because it's just one of those "comfort" reads.
The Anita Blake: Vampire Hunter series by Laurell K. Hamilton because they're excellent books and spiced with lots of sexy sex and not too little S&M and D/s.
The Mists of Avalon by Marion Zimmer Bradley because it is a well-written female positive version of the Arthurian legend.
Green Eggs and Ham by Dr. Seuss because it was HRS's (Her Royal Shortness) favorite book when she was an itsy bitsy thing who made me read it to her so many times over that I practically knew it by heart.
5) Tag 5 people and have them fill this out on their blogs.
I'm going to leave it open and say, if you read me and want to, answer these questions on your own journal and leave me a note letting me know. :-)
1)Total number of books I've owned.
I honestly don't know, I've never counted them. We'll just say I have a lot of books and leave it at that.
2) The last book I bought.
The Perfumed Sleeve by Laura Joh Rowland. It's a murder mystery set in Feudal Japan and is really well written.
3) The Last Book I read.
The last book I read was The Story of O by Pauline Réage and I'm currently re-reading The Marketplace by Laura Antoniou. Both are good lifestyle fiction books.
4)5 books that mean alot to you...
The Sleeping Beauty series by Anne Rice, written as R. N. Roquelaure, because they were gifted to me by my good friend elle.
A Spell for Chameleon by Piers Anthony because it's just one of those "comfort" reads.
The Anita Blake: Vampire Hunter series by Laurell K. Hamilton because they're excellent books and spiced with lots of sexy sex and not too little S&M and D/s.
The Mists of Avalon by Marion Zimmer Bradley because it is a well-written female positive version of the Arthurian legend.
Green Eggs and Ham by Dr. Seuss because it was HRS's (Her Royal Shortness) favorite book when she was an itsy bitsy thing who made me read it to her so many times over that I practically knew it by heart.
5) Tag 5 people and have them fill this out on their blogs.
I'm going to leave it open and say, if you read me and want to, answer these questions on your own journal and leave me a note letting me know. :-)
Monday, May 16, 2005
New Beginnings
Please bear with me as I try to get moved in here, moving is never easy.
Since my journal has a new home it seems only right that it should have a new name too, something more authentic I think. It's my pleasure to unveil, Simply Joy.
This journal will be adult in nature, I'll be discussing things related to S&M, Master and slave relationships and sometimes plain old mundane stuff. But mostly, S&M and M/s as that is the purpose of this journal.
Here we go!
Joy
Since my journal has a new home it seems only right that it should have a new name too, something more authentic I think. It's my pleasure to unveil, Simply Joy.
This journal will be adult in nature, I'll be discussing things related to S&M, Master and slave relationships and sometimes plain old mundane stuff. But mostly, S&M and M/s as that is the purpose of this journal.
Here we go!
Joy
Friday, May 13, 2005
Simple things
I feel accomplished today, and content. I began an exercise routine yesterday that I am able to do from start to finish. I also slicked up the house a bit. It's amazing how good I can feel just by sitting and surveying the clean home around me. I'd love to reduce some more of the clutter but it might have to wait.
I'm sore all over today and there's a pinchy feeling in my back but it feels good if you can believe that. I hurt because I did some very positive things yesterday. It's a good hurt because I know it's just unused muscles protesting what they think is abuse. The more I exercise the less they'll protest and I look forward to that.
Master is working tons of OT this week so we have very little time together. But the time we do have is what I'd call quality time. We pack lots of laughter and loving into it and even a spanking or two.
It's the simple things like this that really make life good. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in the misery of the moment that I forget to take pleasure in the simple things. I'm glad I have moments of clarity, like I did today, to remind me.
I'm sore all over today and there's a pinchy feeling in my back but it feels good if you can believe that. I hurt because I did some very positive things yesterday. It's a good hurt because I know it's just unused muscles protesting what they think is abuse. The more I exercise the less they'll protest and I look forward to that.
Master is working tons of OT this week so we have very little time together. But the time we do have is what I'd call quality time. We pack lots of laughter and loving into it and even a spanking or two.
It's the simple things like this that really make life good. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in the misery of the moment that I forget to take pleasure in the simple things. I'm glad I have moments of clarity, like I did today, to remind me.
Monday, May 09, 2005
Exposed
It came as a surprise to me yesterday after I'd gotten out of the shower when Master, lying on the bed relaxing, ordered me to turn around and expose my anus to him. I had to spread each cheek open and jut my behind out, "as if you're presenting it to me" he said.
It was difficult to switch from a routine that I feel compelled to complete, to complying with Master's request, which is also compelling.
I must have turned several different shades of red as I did this. He oohed and ahhed behind me as I complied. I stood there for a short time then I continued on with my after shower routine, get dressed and do my hair.
Short though it was, that moment stayed with me throughout the day and even into bedtime. I laid there and thought about the effect his simple command had on me.
I felt objectified in a way I'd never felt it before. I felt so thoroughly exposed, though he's seen every inch of my flesh many times. I felt vulnerable, owned, embarrassed, and confused.
Why confused? I enjoyed a situation and feelings that I never thought I'd enjoy; I've got some serious issues with humiliation. But this was done in a way and in a setting, which made it a positive experience. I think in part, it played into my exhibitionist tendencies which made it easier to cope with. It was private, intimate, a simple act to please my Master.
Though I fantasized about being made to repeat the experience in front of others, I'm not sure it would be as positive as the private experience was. It would lack the intimacy and, for lack of a better word, specialness that the private moment had.
In private it was a serious moment of submission for me. I had to drop everything I was doing and do something that was emotionally charged simply because my Master told me to, something that I would normally shy away from and actually have in the past.
Some part of me thinks that continued inspections like yesterday's would be a good thing. Yet, I think that they'd be much more effective done at random. Somehow I think, knowing my Master as I do he'd prefer doing it at random, if he chose to continue inspecting me. Doing it at random has the element of a mindf*ck which he so very much enjoys. I don't know if he's actually said it, but I'm pretty sure his favorite bit of me to play with is my mind.
It was difficult to switch from a routine that I feel compelled to complete, to complying with Master's request, which is also compelling.
I must have turned several different shades of red as I did this. He oohed and ahhed behind me as I complied. I stood there for a short time then I continued on with my after shower routine, get dressed and do my hair.
Short though it was, that moment stayed with me throughout the day and even into bedtime. I laid there and thought about the effect his simple command had on me.
I felt objectified in a way I'd never felt it before. I felt so thoroughly exposed, though he's seen every inch of my flesh many times. I felt vulnerable, owned, embarrassed, and confused.
Why confused? I enjoyed a situation and feelings that I never thought I'd enjoy; I've got some serious issues with humiliation. But this was done in a way and in a setting, which made it a positive experience. I think in part, it played into my exhibitionist tendencies which made it easier to cope with. It was private, intimate, a simple act to please my Master.
Though I fantasized about being made to repeat the experience in front of others, I'm not sure it would be as positive as the private experience was. It would lack the intimacy and, for lack of a better word, specialness that the private moment had.
In private it was a serious moment of submission for me. I had to drop everything I was doing and do something that was emotionally charged simply because my Master told me to, something that I would normally shy away from and actually have in the past.
Some part of me thinks that continued inspections like yesterday's would be a good thing. Yet, I think that they'd be much more effective done at random. Somehow I think, knowing my Master as I do he'd prefer doing it at random, if he chose to continue inspecting me. Doing it at random has the element of a mindf*ck which he so very much enjoys. I don't know if he's actually said it, but I'm pretty sure his favorite bit of me to play with is my mind.
Monday, May 02, 2005
Patience
I think this is a lesson I'm going to have to revisit time and again throughout my life. Each time I learn a little more about being patient and how to do so without being a huge, cranky, pain in the butt.
In the beginning, when I was very much younger, I had absolutely no patience. Immediate gratification was the name of my game. Save a treat for later? Right. Dessert after dinner? Are you kidding?
I had to know the sex of each of my children months before they were born so I could prepare and plan for them.
I'd like to believe that I'm more patient now but I don't think that's true. I'm better at keeping my impatience to myself. I don't pester people too often if I'm waiting for someone to do something. If someone tells me they've got a surprise for me, I pretend indifference and wait until they're ready to give it to me.
However, I've not been very patient with Master. He's been going through a valley in his feelings of dominance and sadism. It seems I'm near a peak in my submission as far as needs are concerned though I'm bottoming out in terms of service.
I've not been very patient and I feel as though I've been way too plaintive about it. My goal is to be able to state a need and then let go of it, detach myself from the outcome. I don't know if that's possible but it's sure worth a try.
I haven't felt as useful in my service to him but I don't really think that's due to anything he's done or hasn't done. More so, I think it's due to some feelings of depression I've been having. I've let more than one of my responsibilities go by the wayside simply because I haven't got the energy to care about it.
Life always has a way of keeping a person on his or her toes and sometimes, off balance, just to see what we'll do. Is "life" a sentient being that does malicious things to keep us hopping? No, not really, but I do believe more obstacles are thrown in our paths at certain times as opportunities for learning and growth. It's up to us what we do with those opportunities. This time around I've been doing a lot of moping around and acting like I've got such a hard life. I can be really thick sometimes and it usually takes the clue by four to make the lesson sink in.
So, that's where I'm at right now. I'm realizing that these recent bouts of obstacles are all about patience. I need to learn more, gain more patience, real patience, not the pretend kind.
In the beginning, when I was very much younger, I had absolutely no patience. Immediate gratification was the name of my game. Save a treat for later? Right. Dessert after dinner? Are you kidding?
I had to know the sex of each of my children months before they were born so I could prepare and plan for them.
I'd like to believe that I'm more patient now but I don't think that's true. I'm better at keeping my impatience to myself. I don't pester people too often if I'm waiting for someone to do something. If someone tells me they've got a surprise for me, I pretend indifference and wait until they're ready to give it to me.
However, I've not been very patient with Master. He's been going through a valley in his feelings of dominance and sadism. It seems I'm near a peak in my submission as far as needs are concerned though I'm bottoming out in terms of service.
I've not been very patient and I feel as though I've been way too plaintive about it. My goal is to be able to state a need and then let go of it, detach myself from the outcome. I don't know if that's possible but it's sure worth a try.
I haven't felt as useful in my service to him but I don't really think that's due to anything he's done or hasn't done. More so, I think it's due to some feelings of depression I've been having. I've let more than one of my responsibilities go by the wayside simply because I haven't got the energy to care about it.
Life always has a way of keeping a person on his or her toes and sometimes, off balance, just to see what we'll do. Is "life" a sentient being that does malicious things to keep us hopping? No, not really, but I do believe more obstacles are thrown in our paths at certain times as opportunities for learning and growth. It's up to us what we do with those opportunities. This time around I've been doing a lot of moping around and acting like I've got such a hard life. I can be really thick sometimes and it usually takes the clue by four to make the lesson sink in.
So, that's where I'm at right now. I'm realizing that these recent bouts of obstacles are all about patience. I need to learn more, gain more patience, real patience, not the pretend kind.
Wednesday, April 27, 2005
Used
Master read last night's journal entry and as soon as we had a moment to ourselves he wrapped his fist in my hair and pulled. He said something to the effect of "Is this what you need?" but I can't recall the exact words, I was too wrapped up in the sensation of his fist in my hair and the sudden warmth that started between my legs and infused my whole body.
He promptly ordered me upstairs and followed shortly after.
Once in the room he began undressing me a bit roughly and once my bra was off, squeezed my tender breasts with such intensity that it forced pained moans from my throat. He was almost instantly hard; I'd forgotten how much the violence turns him on too.
I can't recall the sequence of events but I'm sure we started with me lying on my back on the bed with my head hanging off the end while he strangled me with his cock. It took me a moment to get into it but soon that familiar frenzy filled me and I couldn't get enough. I worshipped his cock, hoping he could feel how I revere him.
Then, suddenly, he went to our dresser and got my rather large dildo out. I know I'm in for it then, once he's gotten that out. The thing is huge and unless I'm in the right mood, I don't much enjoy it. Despite my arousal, I didn't enjoy it at first but he kept talking to me, asking me if it felt good, should he do it this way, or that, and then offered my pocket rocket to me. I was done for then, as soon as the first tingles of the vibrator touched my clit, I knew I was lost to the sensations. I was Master's wanton slut as I teased myself, holding off my impending orgasm for as long as I could.
It's not often that I get to let go like that, I keep an iron control over my behavior most of the time. Never getting too far out of control, definitely never enough to embarrass myself or the people I'm with. It takes a lot to shut off that control, often it has to be intense physical sensation. I can't even seem to let go very much when I'm drunk.
Master used me thoroughly last night, making me feel like his treasured whore. His precious slut who came so hard for him that she nearly forgot herself and screamed. Thankfully I had the presence of mind to stuff my face into the blankets to stifle my screams and moans.
One might think that I'd be sated after last night but, instead, it fanned the flames of my desire and I'm eager for more. Aching to be pushed further, used more, and cuddled afterwards.
He promptly ordered me upstairs and followed shortly after.
Once in the room he began undressing me a bit roughly and once my bra was off, squeezed my tender breasts with such intensity that it forced pained moans from my throat. He was almost instantly hard; I'd forgotten how much the violence turns him on too.
I can't recall the sequence of events but I'm sure we started with me lying on my back on the bed with my head hanging off the end while he strangled me with his cock. It took me a moment to get into it but soon that familiar frenzy filled me and I couldn't get enough. I worshipped his cock, hoping he could feel how I revere him.
Then, suddenly, he went to our dresser and got my rather large dildo out. I know I'm in for it then, once he's gotten that out. The thing is huge and unless I'm in the right mood, I don't much enjoy it. Despite my arousal, I didn't enjoy it at first but he kept talking to me, asking me if it felt good, should he do it this way, or that, and then offered my pocket rocket to me. I was done for then, as soon as the first tingles of the vibrator touched my clit, I knew I was lost to the sensations. I was Master's wanton slut as I teased myself, holding off my impending orgasm for as long as I could.
It's not often that I get to let go like that, I keep an iron control over my behavior most of the time. Never getting too far out of control, definitely never enough to embarrass myself or the people I'm with. It takes a lot to shut off that control, often it has to be intense physical sensation. I can't even seem to let go very much when I'm drunk.
Master used me thoroughly last night, making me feel like his treasured whore. His precious slut who came so hard for him that she nearly forgot herself and screamed. Thankfully I had the presence of mind to stuff my face into the blankets to stifle my screams and moans.
One might think that I'd be sated after last night but, instead, it fanned the flames of my desire and I'm eager for more. Aching to be pushed further, used more, and cuddled afterwards.
Tuesday, April 26, 2005
Cravings
I've noticed that whenever there's a long period between pain play, I begin to crave very intense, violent play.
Today I've found my thoughts meandering around from needle play, to strangulation, to takedown/play gang rape.
If I were like a lot of people I'd be feeling guilty and ashamed of these sorts of thoughts. But, I'm not, I'm me and I'm wondering if it's possible to make it all happen on the same night. *chuckles*
Master and I were watching Starship Troopers and there's a scene where one of the main female characters spars with her drill instructor, he gets the upper hand and has her helpless on the ground, slowly choking her to unconsciousness with his knee on the side of her neck. I looked to Master and said "I'd be getting turned on just about then." The truth is, I was getting turned on watching it and wishing I was in her place. Yum!
I feel like I'm getting worked up into a fever pitch with my need for intense play. It is so very much an integral part of my sexuality. Often, when he's not inflicting pain during sex, I'll give myself little bits of pain, pulling my own hair, digging my nails into my neck, the palm of my hand, or a thigh. But it's never enough; those are only teases, small placations to keep me from losing my mind from excessive need.
If I go too long without pain play it becomes the only thing I can focus on. I'll be driving 60 miles an hour down the freeway when suddenly my mind will wander to visions of violent sex, my cunt will clench with longing and then I'll get to where I was headed and won't remember the drive because I was on autopilot while my mind roamed.
So, here I am, fixated on violent sex and some violence without sex. I ache for it and I've been the good girl, I've asked politely for it without acting out to force the issue. Yet, I'm still waiting and while I know when and if we play is his prerogative, it's frustrating.
I'm slowly swinging 'round to feeling violent myself, it happens after enough frustration. *sigh* My inner sadist begins to claw her way out and make demands to be satisfied. I'm trying to ignore her; Master doesn't like it when I start biting and growling. *wry grins*
Today I've found my thoughts meandering around from needle play, to strangulation, to takedown/play gang rape.
If I were like a lot of people I'd be feeling guilty and ashamed of these sorts of thoughts. But, I'm not, I'm me and I'm wondering if it's possible to make it all happen on the same night. *chuckles*
Master and I were watching Starship Troopers and there's a scene where one of the main female characters spars with her drill instructor, he gets the upper hand and has her helpless on the ground, slowly choking her to unconsciousness with his knee on the side of her neck. I looked to Master and said "I'd be getting turned on just about then." The truth is, I was getting turned on watching it and wishing I was in her place. Yum!
I feel like I'm getting worked up into a fever pitch with my need for intense play. It is so very much an integral part of my sexuality. Often, when he's not inflicting pain during sex, I'll give myself little bits of pain, pulling my own hair, digging my nails into my neck, the palm of my hand, or a thigh. But it's never enough; those are only teases, small placations to keep me from losing my mind from excessive need.
If I go too long without pain play it becomes the only thing I can focus on. I'll be driving 60 miles an hour down the freeway when suddenly my mind will wander to visions of violent sex, my cunt will clench with longing and then I'll get to where I was headed and won't remember the drive because I was on autopilot while my mind roamed.
So, here I am, fixated on violent sex and some violence without sex. I ache for it and I've been the good girl, I've asked politely for it without acting out to force the issue. Yet, I'm still waiting and while I know when and if we play is his prerogative, it's frustrating.
I'm slowly swinging 'round to feeling violent myself, it happens after enough frustration. *sigh* My inner sadist begins to claw her way out and make demands to be satisfied. I'm trying to ignore her; Master doesn't like it when I start biting and growling. *wry grins*
Monday, April 25, 2005
Reconnecting and more
I don't know what to say. That's why I haven't written anything for a few days. I'm busy with school well, trying to be busy anyway. I have a hard time motivating myself some days. Master has been busy with work. When we find a few moments here and there where we can connect, intermingle our worlds, and just be, we take full advantage of them.
This weekend was full of such moments. We spent much time lounging around together, happy to just touch each other. We also went to dinner and saw a movie. And of course, we had lots of good sex.
I got to surprise him Saturday night by talking slightly dirty to him in the car. I surprised myself too, the words tripped off my tongue as naturally as if I were talking about the weather. I've always been so self-conscious and uncomfortable about speaking in front of others. But there I was, sitting in the dark car next to him talking about how I thought he might enjoy slipping his hands down my panties and touching my silky smooth pussy. I'm blushing now, thinking about how I really said that.
It felt good to reconnect like that, especially after all the stress we've had. I'm still aching for a cathartic beating but as long as I have this extra back pain, he won't give it to me. He told me yesterday that he wanted to beat me but that once he saw me having a bad back pain day he decided I was in enough pain.
Last night I felt disappointed and a little upset that he hadn't even mentioned wanting to beat me until after he'd decided to not do it. He gently reminded me that it's his right to make decisions like that and that he doesn't have to tell me anything if he chooses not to do so. Thinking back, he's been doing that a little more frequently lately, telling me that it's his right to do this or that etc. I think I like it. It's not so subtle reminder of my position.
It's a good thing he's looking out for my health because, given the choice, I would disregard my back pain and take whatever pain play he could dish out.
This weekend was full of such moments. We spent much time lounging around together, happy to just touch each other. We also went to dinner and saw a movie. And of course, we had lots of good sex.
I got to surprise him Saturday night by talking slightly dirty to him in the car. I surprised myself too, the words tripped off my tongue as naturally as if I were talking about the weather. I've always been so self-conscious and uncomfortable about speaking in front of others. But there I was, sitting in the dark car next to him talking about how I thought he might enjoy slipping his hands down my panties and touching my silky smooth pussy. I'm blushing now, thinking about how I really said that.
It felt good to reconnect like that, especially after all the stress we've had. I'm still aching for a cathartic beating but as long as I have this extra back pain, he won't give it to me. He told me yesterday that he wanted to beat me but that once he saw me having a bad back pain day he decided I was in enough pain.
Last night I felt disappointed and a little upset that he hadn't even mentioned wanting to beat me until after he'd decided to not do it. He gently reminded me that it's his right to make decisions like that and that he doesn't have to tell me anything if he chooses not to do so. Thinking back, he's been doing that a little more frequently lately, telling me that it's his right to do this or that etc. I think I like it. It's not so subtle reminder of my position.
It's a good thing he's looking out for my health because, given the choice, I would disregard my back pain and take whatever pain play he could dish out.
Wednesday, April 20, 2005
Distance
Tonight was a good night. Alan and I were kidding around and teasing each other good naturedly. There was even a moment where things turned a little serious but I couldn't stop giggling. We were driving home from the store and I made a direct hit with a verbal jab. He said something and then grabbed the back of my hair, pulled me down and held me there for a while. It was fun.
Then the fun ended.
We started talking about the teens and the subject of money that was going to have to be spent on their misdeeds came up. He withdrew from me then. He barely spoke to me the rest of the evening. It felt like I'd done something wrong but I knew I hadn't.
When we went to bed he was still very withdrawn and I was surprised when he asked me for a goodnight kiss. I told him that I was surprised he wanted one because he'd been so distant from me. He then told me he had a lot on his mind. "Don't we all?" I said. Then I went into a half-joking mini-rant about how I hadn't known that having things on our minds was an acceptable reason to be distant and withdrawn. He tried bluffing his way out with "Do as I say" when I came back with "You lead by example." It was just a bit of verbal sparring but I kind of meant it. He does lead by example whether he likes it or not.
Perhaps it's childish to take that stance that if he does it I can do it too. I don't know. What I do know is that when he does something it feels like I'm given permission to do it too. This is especially prevalent regarding food. If he has sweets then I somehow take it as blanket permission to have them myself, or if he has seconds at dinner, bingo, permission to over indulge myself. If he reined me in instead of ignoring what I'm doing, I don't think I would be so quick to assume that if he does something I can do it too.
I think it's this lack of comment, chastisement, or correction that leads me to feel as if I'm being given permission to behave badly, over indulge, or whatever else. This is definitely a flaw in my character that needs to be buffed out somehow. I believe it's a hold-over from being his wife for so many years before becoming his slave. I'm still trying to unlearn years of living as an equal.
So, tonight I take a deep breath and center myself. His distance is a.) nothing personal against me and, possibly more importantly, b.) not an excuse to distance myself from him when I'm stressed.
I know it sounds repetitive, I read other slaves talking about it all the time but, I need more control. I need correction when I'm misbehaving; I need to be molded into something he can be proud of. I truly feel like a lump of clay that is just waiting for the Master to come along and mold it into a manifestation of his vision for it.
It's times like these that I feel my slavery, or rather my need to be enslaved, the most.
Then the fun ended.
We started talking about the teens and the subject of money that was going to have to be spent on their misdeeds came up. He withdrew from me then. He barely spoke to me the rest of the evening. It felt like I'd done something wrong but I knew I hadn't.
When we went to bed he was still very withdrawn and I was surprised when he asked me for a goodnight kiss. I told him that I was surprised he wanted one because he'd been so distant from me. He then told me he had a lot on his mind. "Don't we all?" I said. Then I went into a half-joking mini-rant about how I hadn't known that having things on our minds was an acceptable reason to be distant and withdrawn. He tried bluffing his way out with "Do as I say" when I came back with "You lead by example." It was just a bit of verbal sparring but I kind of meant it. He does lead by example whether he likes it or not.
Perhaps it's childish to take that stance that if he does it I can do it too. I don't know. What I do know is that when he does something it feels like I'm given permission to do it too. This is especially prevalent regarding food. If he has sweets then I somehow take it as blanket permission to have them myself, or if he has seconds at dinner, bingo, permission to over indulge myself. If he reined me in instead of ignoring what I'm doing, I don't think I would be so quick to assume that if he does something I can do it too.
I think it's this lack of comment, chastisement, or correction that leads me to feel as if I'm being given permission to behave badly, over indulge, or whatever else. This is definitely a flaw in my character that needs to be buffed out somehow. I believe it's a hold-over from being his wife for so many years before becoming his slave. I'm still trying to unlearn years of living as an equal.
So, tonight I take a deep breath and center myself. His distance is a.) nothing personal against me and, possibly more importantly, b.) not an excuse to distance myself from him when I'm stressed.
I know it sounds repetitive, I read other slaves talking about it all the time but, I need more control. I need correction when I'm misbehaving; I need to be molded into something he can be proud of. I truly feel like a lump of clay that is just waiting for the Master to come along and mold it into a manifestation of his vision for it.
It's times like these that I feel my slavery, or rather my need to be enslaved, the most.
Monday, April 11, 2005
Learning experiences
A few days ago I wrote about my frustrations over a conflict that was happening on our local group's discussion list. I was pretty angry and frustrated over it all. Mostly I was frustrated at my seeming inability to communicate effectively and couldn't see where I was disconnecting with everyone involved.
I had a private e-mail discussion with one of the involved parties and her response was, what I call, a clue-by-four. We were both coming from a place of feeling like the other was intolerant of our views. No wonder we weren't able to communicate. It felt good to finally communicate and to understand why we hadn't been able to before.
I'm glad I took the time to talk with this person but I wish I'd done it before the situation had gotten so far out of hand. Instead of kicking myself for that, I'm looking at it as a learning experience. If I learn from it, it's not a waste and perhaps I can use what I've learned in communicating with others in the future.
I had a private e-mail discussion with one of the involved parties and her response was, what I call, a clue-by-four. We were both coming from a place of feeling like the other was intolerant of our views. No wonder we weren't able to communicate. It felt good to finally communicate and to understand why we hadn't been able to before.
I'm glad I took the time to talk with this person but I wish I'd done it before the situation had gotten so far out of hand. Instead of kicking myself for that, I'm looking at it as a learning experience. If I learn from it, it's not a waste and perhaps I can use what I've learned in communicating with others in the future.
Sunday, April 10, 2005
Expectations
I had a good, but rough weekend. It culminated in a lot of emotional junk after a particularly intense scene with Alan. It started out good, I was enjoying everything that was going on and was getting into the building intensity.
Then the energy shifted and I could no longer get into it.
I thought he'd switched with someone else that was in the room and had let them work on me. From that point on my head was not where I'd wanted it to be, nor where Alan wanted it either. I began to get upset because of my headspace. Near the end he got slightly brutal with a new toy that I'd made. I couldn't take it because my head just wasn't in the right place. I was upset and I just can't take pain when I'm upset.
He stopped when I started crying, after I was untied and the room cleared, he lay down with me and waited for me to speak, to tell him what was wrong. I didn't know how to tell him it was all wrong and I didn't know how to do it without breaking down into full-on wracking sobs. So I waited until I got my emotions under control, then I began to tell him what was wrong. I felt horrible for even saying it. I felt like I was taking away his enjoyment. I didn't want him to feel bad because I felt bad because I didn't get to where I wanted to go.
We talked more, and talked on the way home too. I did feel better after talking with him but I still feel as if I let him down somehow.
Some of the reasons why I couldn't get my head where I wanted/needed it to be were that we weren't alone, it'd been a long time since we'd played, and I really NEEDED it. Mostly, I needed the pain play and I needed it to be from him alone. I knew I was going to be a total wreck afterwards and I don't think I was prepared to share that with anyone else but him. There's been a lot of stress in my life lately and I really needed some pain play to help me release it. I needed the pain play to finally let go of the rest of the hurt that I've been holding inside over things that happened with our oldest daughter last week. I definitely wasn't ready to share that with anyone else.
Pain is the most effective way for me to deal with stress and emotional junk. It always has been. Before S&M and M/s there was self-mutilation. It may not seem healthy to some but it works for me. Some people go to therapy and talk; I write and have intense, and sometimes brutal, pain play.
I had a lot of expectations going in and I don't think I really communicated that with Alan at all. I thought I had but I didn't. I should have, I know that now. I've been kicking myself for having expectations at all. I have it in my head that I shouldn't have expectations. He's the one in the driver's seat and he gets to decide where we're going.
At any rate, I think I did a fairly good job of being resilient. I was still a little sad but I tried to not let it ruin the rest of the evening. That's been a goal of mine, learning to be more resilient. I think it's a good trait to have so I'm trying to cultivate it in myself. I've never been very resilient and I know it's been a strain in the past, dealing with me and my emotions.
Then the energy shifted and I could no longer get into it.
I thought he'd switched with someone else that was in the room and had let them work on me. From that point on my head was not where I'd wanted it to be, nor where Alan wanted it either. I began to get upset because of my headspace. Near the end he got slightly brutal with a new toy that I'd made. I couldn't take it because my head just wasn't in the right place. I was upset and I just can't take pain when I'm upset.
He stopped when I started crying, after I was untied and the room cleared, he lay down with me and waited for me to speak, to tell him what was wrong. I didn't know how to tell him it was all wrong and I didn't know how to do it without breaking down into full-on wracking sobs. So I waited until I got my emotions under control, then I began to tell him what was wrong. I felt horrible for even saying it. I felt like I was taking away his enjoyment. I didn't want him to feel bad because I felt bad because I didn't get to where I wanted to go.
We talked more, and talked on the way home too. I did feel better after talking with him but I still feel as if I let him down somehow.
Some of the reasons why I couldn't get my head where I wanted/needed it to be were that we weren't alone, it'd been a long time since we'd played, and I really NEEDED it. Mostly, I needed the pain play and I needed it to be from him alone. I knew I was going to be a total wreck afterwards and I don't think I was prepared to share that with anyone else but him. There's been a lot of stress in my life lately and I really needed some pain play to help me release it. I needed the pain play to finally let go of the rest of the hurt that I've been holding inside over things that happened with our oldest daughter last week. I definitely wasn't ready to share that with anyone else.
Pain is the most effective way for me to deal with stress and emotional junk. It always has been. Before S&M and M/s there was self-mutilation. It may not seem healthy to some but it works for me. Some people go to therapy and talk; I write and have intense, and sometimes brutal, pain play.
I had a lot of expectations going in and I don't think I really communicated that with Alan at all. I thought I had but I didn't. I should have, I know that now. I've been kicking myself for having expectations at all. I have it in my head that I shouldn't have expectations. He's the one in the driver's seat and he gets to decide where we're going.
At any rate, I think I did a fairly good job of being resilient. I was still a little sad but I tried to not let it ruin the rest of the evening. That's been a goal of mine, learning to be more resilient. I think it's a good trait to have so I'm trying to cultivate it in myself. I've never been very resilient and I know it's been a strain in the past, dealing with me and my emotions.
Saturday, April 09, 2005
Complacency
I think I gave Alan the wrong idea when I showed him an article someone had written about the M/s lifestyle. There was one paragraph that mentioned that it's easy for the master to sit back and channel surf while being served drinks. It seemed that this was the one paragraph about the whole article that stuck out in Alan's mind.
I think that somehow I expected that he would get the same thing out of the article that I did. I'm afraid that quite the opposite happened I'm afraid he felt that I was complaining that he's been a lazy Master which wasn't the case at all.
I felt that the article was talking about complacency from both parties and I thought it was a good reminder to not get comfortable. I actually felt that it was I who was in danger of becoming complacent. It would be so easy for me to settle into a routine and not submit as fully as I could or should.
It's not easy to become a slave to a man you've been married and "equal" to for more than half your life, no matter how much you desire it. It's SO easy to fall back into old behavior patterns, especially if he's too tired to enforce his expectations. I think this is where active slavery is important. I have to have the self-discipline to continue behaving as his slave even when he's too tired to actively master me.
It's sort of like our eating habits, sometimes one or the other of us will get stressed and want to fall back on our old habits and get something sweet to soothe ourselves with. The one who isn't stressed has two choices; see it as an opportunity to "relax" and junk food, or to exercise self-discipline and to say "No thanks that just doesn't sound good to me."
If anything is important to you, you have to continue to work actively to achieve it. M/s is like a good marriage, it takes work to keep it fresh and alive. But if you're coming to it as a married couple, I think it requires a little more work. You don't just pick your roles and voila! I think each partner has to be actively involved.
I think that somehow I expected that he would get the same thing out of the article that I did. I'm afraid that quite the opposite happened I'm afraid he felt that I was complaining that he's been a lazy Master which wasn't the case at all.
I felt that the article was talking about complacency from both parties and I thought it was a good reminder to not get comfortable. I actually felt that it was I who was in danger of becoming complacent. It would be so easy for me to settle into a routine and not submit as fully as I could or should.
It's not easy to become a slave to a man you've been married and "equal" to for more than half your life, no matter how much you desire it. It's SO easy to fall back into old behavior patterns, especially if he's too tired to enforce his expectations. I think this is where active slavery is important. I have to have the self-discipline to continue behaving as his slave even when he's too tired to actively master me.
It's sort of like our eating habits, sometimes one or the other of us will get stressed and want to fall back on our old habits and get something sweet to soothe ourselves with. The one who isn't stressed has two choices; see it as an opportunity to "relax" and junk food, or to exercise self-discipline and to say "No thanks that just doesn't sound good to me."
If anything is important to you, you have to continue to work actively to achieve it. M/s is like a good marriage, it takes work to keep it fresh and alive. But if you're coming to it as a married couple, I think it requires a little more work. You don't just pick your roles and voila! I think each partner has to be actively involved.
Wednesday, April 06, 2005
Conflict
Have I ever mentioned that I really dislike conflict? Well, I do.
There is a lot of conflict on our local group's list right now and it's getting me down. No matter what I say it or how I phrase things, my words are being taken and twisted. As a board member I find myself stuck. I can't rebut anything because my words will continue to be twisted and used against me. At this point I don't know why I even bothered to respond to any of it. I thought I was helping. I really felt a sense of satisfaction from being in a leadership position, I felt as if I were filling a need. It seems like the only need I'm filling right now is easy target.
So what's the point? I want for all the board members to step back and encourage the complaintants to step up and show what they can do. If we're doing such a bad job of it, show us what you can do. That's how I feel like responding but I won't. Why? Because again, my words will be twisted to mean something I didn't intend. Plus it's just not nice and I do try to be nice even when I don't want to be.
I'm just at my wit's end with this issue. Do dominants have an easier time of it when they're in positions of leadership? I wonder if some of my frustration and upset is coming from being in a position that isn't natural to me.
I'll be honest; I've nearly had it with this group. We can't offer much because the bulk of the membership can barely be bothered to show up when an event is planned thereby leaving the board to cover the expense. The same people end up serving on the board every year because no one else will step forward to take up the responsibility yet they feel quite comfortable criticizing what we do and how we do it. Yeah, that's nice. Really.
Anyway, this is one worn out little slave girl who really wishes people would grow up and either put up or shut up.
There is a lot of conflict on our local group's list right now and it's getting me down. No matter what I say it or how I phrase things, my words are being taken and twisted. As a board member I find myself stuck. I can't rebut anything because my words will continue to be twisted and used against me. At this point I don't know why I even bothered to respond to any of it. I thought I was helping. I really felt a sense of satisfaction from being in a leadership position, I felt as if I were filling a need. It seems like the only need I'm filling right now is easy target.
So what's the point? I want for all the board members to step back and encourage the complaintants to step up and show what they can do. If we're doing such a bad job of it, show us what you can do. That's how I feel like responding but I won't. Why? Because again, my words will be twisted to mean something I didn't intend. Plus it's just not nice and I do try to be nice even when I don't want to be.
I'm just at my wit's end with this issue. Do dominants have an easier time of it when they're in positions of leadership? I wonder if some of my frustration and upset is coming from being in a position that isn't natural to me.
I'll be honest; I've nearly had it with this group. We can't offer much because the bulk of the membership can barely be bothered to show up when an event is planned thereby leaving the board to cover the expense. The same people end up serving on the board every year because no one else will step forward to take up the responsibility yet they feel quite comfortable criticizing what we do and how we do it. Yeah, that's nice. Really.
Anyway, this is one worn out little slave girl who really wishes people would grow up and either put up or shut up.
Tuesday, April 05, 2005
Beastly
That's me recently. Beastly. Passive-aggressive. And I'm totally at odds with myself. Every time I act in a way that I really shouldn't or I say things I know I shouldn't say, I'm thinking to myself "What are you doing?? This isn't right, knock it off." I wonder if it's evident to anyone watching that I'm having these conversations in my head. Do I, when I realize what I've done, have a momentary look of shame or do I look apologetic?
Likely not.
So what's my excuse for being such a beast? I really have none. I've been stressed out beyond imagining, I have a devil may care attitude about my school work, and I have no release for any of this. Worse yet, I'm envious of Master because he had a release for his stress. He was serene when he came home from playing paintball and I was envious. I envied him his serenity and I think I was a little angry because he relieved his stress without me. None of this, however, is an excuse for bad behavior. I know better.
So here I sit, stewing in my grumpy feelings and feeling more pent up and in need of release than I was before. I think Master would be perfectly within his rights to deny me any pain play for a while.
So what causes me to act this way? Why do I do it when I know better? It sounds like an excuse but sometimes, I really can't help myself. The emotions get so big and I can't always control them. I feel like a failure as a slave at times like this.
I need to talk with Master.
Likely not.
So what's my excuse for being such a beast? I really have none. I've been stressed out beyond imagining, I have a devil may care attitude about my school work, and I have no release for any of this. Worse yet, I'm envious of Master because he had a release for his stress. He was serene when he came home from playing paintball and I was envious. I envied him his serenity and I think I was a little angry because he relieved his stress without me. None of this, however, is an excuse for bad behavior. I know better.
So here I sit, stewing in my grumpy feelings and feeling more pent up and in need of release than I was before. I think Master would be perfectly within his rights to deny me any pain play for a while.
So what causes me to act this way? Why do I do it when I know better? It sounds like an excuse but sometimes, I really can't help myself. The emotions get so big and I can't always control them. I feel like a failure as a slave at times like this.
I need to talk with Master.
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