Wondering

With all this new turmoil we’ve been dealing with I don’t know where this leaves us with our M/s dynamic.

Wednesday we had a phone conversation about the whole issue around ZBoy’s narking incident just before I had to leave for work. He was a bit upset and was rather harsh on the phone. I didn’t take it well and hung up on him.

A little while later he called back and we talked some more. I was at Defcon 10 with my emotional upset and wasn’t very receptive to anything he had to say. At one point I told him I didn’t feel that my motherhood was respected by him and that I couldn’t be married to, or belong to, a man who didn’t respect that. I said some pretty hurtful things and I regret them now. Hindsight and all that, you know.

We didn’t speak to each other beyond the necessities Wednesday night when I got home from work. When we went to bed I wasn’t ready to talk but I wanted him to know I still loved him and that I wasn’t going anywhere so I reached out and laid my hand on his back. He reached back and rubbed my arm and then we fell asleep. I think that was one of the only nights either of us has ever woken up in the position we’ve fallen asleep in.

Last night we talked about our issues and we reconnected. But, we didn’t discuss the power exchange. It was obvious, when we went to bed, that he still expects me to obey. “You’re not the boss of me” isn’t a good reason to not comply when commanded to remove my panties. I guess he’s not accepting my “request” for release and he’s not choosing to release me. I’m glad he doesn’t take action as soon as I say something in the heat of the moment. I’m not very rational when I’m upset; my first instinct has always been to run away when things get difficult. As a teenager I’d run away physically, as an adult, mentally and emotionally. It’s really difficult for me to stay in the moment, to stay present and deal with it all like a rational adult. I’m still learning.

I’m probably over thinking things. The power exchange, even if we were to agree to drop it for the sake of our marriage, would still be present. It’s how we relate to one another. I had renewed symptoms of the UTI, that I’m still trying to get rid of, and I had to call him. I needed his input on what to do. I needed his permission to go to the doctor instead of going to work. Not because he requires it but because I needed it. I don’t know how to explain it without sounding like I’m co-dependent either. But, staying home from work is a big decision I lose almost 50 dollars by missing a night of work. I don’t feel comfortable making that sort of decision on my own unless I’m really feeling like I’m dying. There’s also a comfort issue, I feel comforted, validated when he agrees with me that I need stay home from work and see the doctor. I feel cared for.

Well F*ck Me Running!

You know, you never really do know someone even if you've raised them.

I just found out that my son decided to nark his sister off to the school police officer who in turn is calling her JCO and they're going to do a random UA on her. Wonderful. Just when things were starting to wind down he's cranking up the drama again.

I understand he *thinks* he's doing the right thing from some sanctimonious position of piety that the rest of us will never achieve. Personally I believe he's found a way to get even with her and didn't give a thought to the rest of us.

Never mind the fact that his information is all hearsay. Could he be bothered to speak to us? Or ask her directly to confirm what he's heard? No, he decides that narking to the police is the best way to handle this situation. There are days, like today for instance, that I'd like to shake some common sense into him. Instead I told him to either leave or go to his room, I wasn't of a mind to talk calmly.

We know what she's been doing, we accept the reality of the situation. There's not much we can do, she's not ready to accept that what she's doing (drinking and drugs) is not good for her and what's more, is against the law. That's the most difficult part of being a parent, having to accept that there are some things that are beyond your control. Oh sure, we could ground her, we could even force her into drug treatment. And we could pay anywhere from a few hundred to a few thousand dollars for something that will do no good because she's not ready to quit. That's the one thing few seem to realize, you can't FORCE an addict to quit, they have to be ready to do it. The ADDICT has to come to the realization that they're not in a good place and no amount of lecturing from parents or other authority figures, no amount of therapy, is going to get them there before it's time.

I am.....upset. I am saddened and angered by my son's actions and by the possible consequences of all of this. I am intimidated by the possible upcoming additional hoops we'll (I'll) have to jump through. I am worried about going to work and leaving this for Master to deal with, his isn't the coolest of heads when he feels like his family is threatened and this certainly will fall under that heading. His son has just done something he'll consider a betrayal of the family.

I guess I have to have faith that things will work out however they're meant to.

I'm Still Alive

I know, I haven't posted in a bit but I can explain, really! *smiles*

Life has been hectic around here, we've had health issues, migraines, and I'm contemplating a trip to the urologist because of repeated UTIs and bladder infections that are becoming more difficult to treat. It's truly frightening to be facing that but I'm just matter-of-fact about it. We will find a way to fix things, we'll adapt. What other choice is there?

Working evenings is beginning to wear on me and I think I'd be correct in saying that it's wearing on Master too. He's just not the "Mr. Mom" type. He is giving it a Herculean effort but he just doesn't seem as much himself lately, he's exhausted. Sometimes I wonder if I should just quit school and see if I can get day hours where I'm at. I'm sure that'd be a mistake though and I keep plugging along, hoping that we'll get through it. The end seems so near to me, it's within my grasp, I just have to keep at it.

Today is Master's birthday and I'm sad that I can't spend it with him. If I had my way I'd clear a few hours for just he and I to be alone after taking him out for a romantic dinner. Once home I'd lead him upstairs to give him a full body massage with a spicy scented oil, nude of course so I could use my entire body to rub him down with. Afterwards, a nice hot shower for two.

Instead I have to go to work and won't see him until I get home around 8:30 and the next hour and a half until bedtime will be spent dealing with the kids' stuff and decompressing. Then to bed where we'll try to fall asleep so we can get up and do the same thing again tomorrow.

In many ways I miss being a stay-at-home mom and housewife. I miss being here, being available, for him. I miss being here when he gets home and sitting on the bed upstairs while he talks to me about his day. I miss the opportunities for quickie sex after his shower. I hope to have some semblance of that again some day, my goal is to end up working from home in the long term. I enjoy my co-workers and my workplace, I don't much care for the work itself, but I do feel successful. I guess I just want it all.

Through all of this I feel like I've lost touch with my slave-self. If I'm tired at night, he lets me just veg. If I'm not in the mood for sex, up until the last two nights, he'd let me refuse. I'm not laying this at his feet, I know better and I've been taking advantage of his good nature. I've just let myself go on automatic pilot, my mouth, my brain, everything. Bad slave girl, bad.

His

Master's birthday is next week and his company allows its employees a day off of their choosing during their birthday month. Master chose to take this Monday off.

The day started early for me, I still had to go to class. A girl needs her education afterall. While I was in class Master was sleeping in, or so I thought. When I got home from class I woke him and eventually he got into the shower. I thought perhaps he'd forgotten that we'd discussed using the day to get some much needed SM play. Actually, I was halfway hoping he'd forgotten, I wasn't sure I was in the mood for SM. His command when he got out of the shower let me know he hadn't forgotten. "Put on some music."

I was a bit nervous then. The butterflies in my stomach had butterflies. I was truly nervous at what he'd do to me without the possibility of children hearing to keep him in check.

I put on some music that I like, something soft and ambient, hoping that the gentle music would influence him a little. Heavy/loud music tends to get him ramped up as does Beethoven. As I said, I was worried so I chose something I thought was "safe".

I don't recall how I ended up naked, but after that he ordered me onto the bed with my butt in the air. He started with spanks and moved into floggers. He really laid into my back with the floggers. One side of my back is a lot more sensitive, the side with the cutting. The scar tissue is extra-sensitive. I gasped out that I couldn't take as much on the right side, I told him it burned. I should have known better, no sooner had I uttered the words he laid into that side with gusto with the words "Really? It doesn't hurt me a bit."

For a moment, just a moment, tears threatened and I felt absolutely miserable. For a split second I felt as if he were punishing me for something. Then reason took over and all was well. I knew it was just his sadistic tendencies, give him a reaction and he'll work twice as hard to get more of it.

After the flogging he began punching... yes, I said punching. He punched all the big muscles in my thighs, butt, and upper back. Over and over, developing a rhythm that I began to relax into. I think if he'd continued I might well have zone out a bit. I'd just begun to feel super relaxed, my breathing was deep and regular, and I was feeling a wee bit floaty, and he stopped. He tormented me then, you see, he brought out the horrible rubber paddle. I hate that thing, it's pure evil. He placed it on my butt and I was sure he'd use it on me. But no, he had another surprise in store for his girl. Instead of feeling the impact of the paddle, I felt the sharpness of cold steel. Yes, Master brought out the knife and I was tickled pink! He hasn't gotten the knife out in so long that I'd almost forgotten how much I enjoy it.

He used the knife very thoroughly, little pokes here and there to make me gasp and feel jumpy, long deep scratches as (I later found out) he scratched words into my bottom. I actually felt real fear while he had the knife out, it'd been so long and I felt so new to all of it.

Soon he put the knife away and that's when the fun sexy stuff started and that's where I'll stop my narration for tonight.

Suffice it to say that I feel very fortunate that he chose to use his birthday day off to spend with me.

Slain Demons

I'm posting twice in one day, a rare thing. Last night was a mile marker for me and something I need to put in print so I always remember it.

I was able to offer something sexual to Master that, in the past, even a hint of it would have left me a train wreck. Since I've got this UTI penetrative sex is just not a cool thing right now but Master still has needs that I want to take care of. He's been very kind and hasn't made any demands, he never does when I'm ill, but I can see that he's been frustrated and it bugs me when I'm unable to see to his needs.

Anyway, last night I suggested that he could f*ck me between my thighs and he took me up on that offer. I laid on side and after he lubed up the area between my thighs, I clenched my legs together as he slid between them. It felt pretty good, a nice tease for me as the top of his cock rubbed against my pussy with every stroke.

Why is this a mile marker? Why do I title this post Slain Demons? Simply this, the act I described above was done to me by my abuser. In the past if there was even a hint of that happening it would throw me into a very dark place of flashbacks and body memories. Not a pleasant place to be when you're with your lover.

Last night, when I made the suggestion, the memories did surface and even now they're playing behind my eyes, but they no longer have the power they once did. I am able to sift through them and let them go without mentally becoming that little girl who didn't understand. It's taken many, many years to get to this point, lots of blood, sweat, and tears; mine and Master's. I think I'm finally making the transition from survivor to thriver. I never thought it was possible, ever. I thought I'd always be controlled by my past. I still have days when the demons try to make a comeback, I'd be lying if I said otherwise, but I don't let them hang around for long. I still have things that can and will trigger the old feelings and I avoid them as much as possible, sometimes it's best not to pick at old wounds.

I think the most important thing that has happened is entirely mental, I no longer define myself by my past but by my present and my future. I'm lucky, I know it and I say it often. My horrors weren't as great as those of others, but horrors are horrors and we all heal from them in our own way.

Lowered Tolerance

This week I've been thinking about lowered tolerance and how it applies to me. First off, I have yet another UTI and it's been a doozy. I have always told people that I have a low tolerance to UTIs and bladder infections, if I feel even a hint of one I'm off and running to the doctor because I can't deal with the pain of them.

It was only this week that I realized the 'why' behind my low tolerance for that type of pain, nevermind that they hurt like the dickens. I had my first UTI as a teenager and I was staying with my grandparents at the time. I didn't know what was wrong at the time, all I knew was that my belly hurt and it hurt beyond belief to pee. I didn't say anything, I wasn't comfortable talking to them about it. So, the entire week or so that I stayed there, I suffered in silence. I had more sleepless nights than I care to count due to the gnawing pain in my belly.

Ever since then I get panicky when I have UTI symptoms and I keep a urinary analgesic on hand just in case. I did finally get treatment when I went home, found out I had a lovely little STD too (go me).

I have also made some mental connections this week regarding my low tolerance to some pain that Master chooses to dish out. A few months back while I was at the dentist's office and whining about the pain as she cleaned my teeth, she pointed out that all the pain meds I'm on can actually reduce one's tolerance to pain. This was reinforced by a magazine article I read while sitting in the doctor's office this week. It made me feel better knowing it's not me, it's the medication causing it. It's important to me to be able to be an outlet for his sadistic needs as well as, I do have my own masochistic needs. Although now, my needs are usually met long before his are. *chuckling* However, I should note that sometimes he enjoys it even when I'm not and I'm glad that it works that way for him.

I guess the reason I'm writing all this is because I want to mark this new knowledge of myself. It's important to me to know myself as thoroughly as possible and in knowing myself I am better able to be transparent to Master. That's my theory and I'm sticking to it. *smiles*

Support

Today's post comes from Kindlings.


6. Do you look to other slaves/peers for support and/or validation?

In the beginning of my journey as a submissive I looked to everyone for support and a whole load of validation. I was really unsure of myself and I used other subs and peers sort of like training wheels. I leaned on them whenever I lost my "balance".

Similarly when I began life as Master's slave, I needed to lean on other slaves but not so much for validation. I needed support, I was endeavoring to do something that didn't quite come naturally to me. While Master is excellent at teaching me what he wants from me, he cannot teach me the intricacies of surrender from a slave's point of view. I've always found it helpful to see things from the perspective of someone who's "been there, done that."

As I've grown in self-confidence I've lost the need for the training wheels. I do still seek a small bit of validation from time to time when my self-confidence wavers for whatever reason. I still lean on others for support too. I believe very strongly that people need support systems around them and slaves, when they're having a tough time of it, can take a great deal of comfort from other slaves who, as I said above, have "been there, done that."

Thankful

Given the hecticness of my life lately I thought it'd be good for me to take a moment to focus on all that I'm thankful for. I really do have a *lot* of good in my life that I don't always focus on because I'm stuck in the present moment.

I'm thankful for Master, without him life would be less colorful. Without his tender care of me I'd be more frazzled than I am.

I'm thankful for my children, they may seem like ungrateful wretches at times (two of them are teenagers) but they're *my* ungrateful wretches and they've given my life a purpose and have made it interesting.

I'm thankful for modern medicine, it has made it possible for me to do all that I do today.

I'm thankful that I am able to work.

I'm thankful that I am able to go to school.

I'm thankful for the people in my life, both online and offline.

I'm thankful for the ability to laugh and find the humor in many situations.

I'm thankful for every day, it's an opportunity.

Two Ships Passing

Master always wakes before I do in the mornings and is gone to work before I'm out of bed. This morning I woke when he did due to the call of nature. The room was dark as I crawled out of bed to make my way to the bathroom. As I made my way out of the bathroom he was making his way in and as we passed I brushed my nude breasts against his back while my hand stroked across his nude bottom. He reached out and nuzzled a breast with his hand as I continued to walk out of the bathroom and then the contact was broken.

He closed the bathroom door and I climbed back into bed for a little more sleep. That was it, the limit of our contact this morning but it was potent. I felt a swell of love and a tingle of excitement as I snuggled under the covers and wished it was the weekend so he could be there in bed with me.

Even though we have less time together we still manage to keep our connection alive and vibrant. Yesterday I wrote up a huge entry bemoaning an imbalance in our M/s dynamic. Since I've been working and going to school he's taken over more of the household chores and sometimes seems to cater to me. Yesterday I was feeling like a displaced slave and my entry reflected it. Through the wonder that is computer glitches, the entry was lost and I'm glad for it.

After I gave up on ever retrieving that entry I decided to take a little action and did up some dishes and made a list of chores for the kids. I realized that if I want to serve I need to just do it. There are always chores to do and in doing them there is that much less for Master to have to do in the evening. I may not be able to be here to cook and serve his dinner but I can still do things to help make his life easier.

Sometimes I forget that a lot of what we do, M/s and relationships in general, is based in our minds and hearts, not in the things we do. The things we do are a symptom of who we are and how we feel and while they do emphasize and help to strengthen bonds, they aren't the end all and be all.

Mortality

Mortality. That's the word of the day. We found out a couple of days ago that a Lifestyle acquaintance passed away.

I'm having a hard time getting my head around the reality of it. He's gone, no longer exists on this plane of existence. I keep having clips of movies I've seen flash through my mind, a crowd of people and one or two just disappear, the others know something has happened but don't really know what and they carry on with what they're doing. That's how I felt in class on Wednesday, here this person is dead and I'm going to class, carrying on with my life in a room full of young people who are oblivious to just about everything.

That evening I took a call from a customer who's words really put things in perspective. She related some pretty terrible health issues and ended with "Every day is a challenge and every day is a gift." The truth of her words really resonated with me. I have very challenging days but I'm still alive to try to rise to the challenge and some days I even succeed.

I wasn't more than an acquaintance with the person who passed on but I did appreciate his good nature and his ready smile. I'll miss that smile at future group meetings.

Bad Calls

Last night at work I had my first bad call. My first name caller, insulter, and all-around jerk. He was trying to get out of paying a sizeable bill and got upset when I wouldn't do what he wanted, whatever that was.

However I may sound now, the call shook me up last night. There's a certain amount of violence, in my opinion, in trying to intimidate, insult, and swear at, a stranger. Perhaps the person wouldn't act that way face to face, perhaps the phone made him feel powerful. I don't know. All I do know is that it took a good part of the night to shake the feeling of being unsafe.

Another aspect of the call that bothers me is the way I handled it. I'm not sure I handled it correctly and being the perfectionist I am, it's driving me nuts. I won't be able to let that part go until I talk it over with my trainer tonight. I made notes on the man's account so that if he happens to call back and tries to tell tales about me to someone else, they'll know my side of it.

Folks at work are pretty blase about these types of phone calls, perhaps I will be too, eventually. But for now, it bothers me that one human being can be so cruel to another.

Back to School

Today was the first day of the fall term for me. I was totally amazed to see the sheer numbers of students, I've never seen a campus so utterly full of people. Traffic was backed up for about a half mile outside campus and parking lots were nearly full by 8 a.m. I ended up parking in the lot across from the lot I normally park in (the one directly in front of the building my classes are in). Still, it was a gorgeous morning so I was game for the extra little hike I'd have to make.

Little did I know it was going to become a big hike. Once I was inside the building and found the room the class was supposed to be in I was met with a dark room and a little sign that said the class had been moved to another room in another building. A building, I might add, whose location I had no knowledge of. Luckily a good Samaritan hobbled along on her crutches, saw my dilemma and commiserated with me. I told her I had no idea where the building was and she told me how to get to it. Yay! So, off I went and soon found the building and after a few short minutes and more kindly directions, I found my classroom. It was in a strange section, I had to walk past display cases with preserved, dissected, animals on one side and various stuffed birds on the other. That was decidedly creepy. The classroom itself smelled a bit off and looked a lot like my 7th grade science classroom. *shudders*

The class itself looks to be an easy one and the instructor seems okay. So, I think I'll enjoy my Monday and Wednesday mornings even if I do have to get up at an inhuman hour.

When I got home I logged onto my online course, medical terms 1, and it looks to be an interesting class. I'm always excited about learning new things, things I have next to no knowledge about. I'm weird that way. I've got assignments due in that class already which I'll probably delve into tonight after work and tomorrow before transcription class. I'll end the week with Friday's four hour medical computer applications class. Yay.

On Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays I'll be heading directly to work from school. It's going to be difficult and I know I'm going to be tired but I feel very focused and my eye is firmly on achieving the goal of earning this degree and beginning my career.

I owe Master a huge debt of gratitude, if it weren't for him managing the homestead I wouldn't be able to do this at all. I'm extremely lucky and extremely thankful for him. Thank you Master for your support and encouragement, it means the world to me.

Date Night and Other Stuff

Last night Master and I had an impromptu date night. We went and saw Mr. & Mrs. Smith at the discount theatre. All I can say is it was definitely worth the wait. That one is going on my DVD wishlist. *g*

Yesterday afternoon we had the place to ourselves and had a little adult time. Master spanked me fiercely and then gave me one of the most intense orgasms I've had in quite a while. It was extra good because we could both yell and make loads of noise since all the kids were gone. Woo-Hoo!

Last night was odd though. Master and I watched an old episode of Real Sex and then went up to bed. He started picking on me and doing silly things that drive me nuts just because he wanted to see my reactions. It all came about because while we were downstairs I made the comment that I really didn't like the soft "making love" that they were showing on TV.
Upstairs he kept touching me soft and was being silly about it. I alternated between laughing and batting his hands away and feeling a bit violent. I get that way sometimes when things get irritating and Master has always been able to get me to that point, he thinks it's a talent. lol

At one point he threatened to sit down and pluck hairs on me, I was very resistant to the idea and this is when things turned serious. He asked me if it wasn't his right to do so if he desired. I wouldn't answer, I didn't want to give the answer and I really don't know why. I was just so irritated by the other stuff and I was feeling sort of defiant so I gave half answers, tried to redirect the conversation, and was a general smart alec.

Suddenly Master grabbed my legs, pulling them up he thrust himself against me and had me breathless. If he'd continued with that I'd have been his melty little puddle of submissive goodness. But that wasn't what he wanted yet. He then dropped my legs and started with the irritating stuff again. He carried on like that for a little while and as suddenly as before, he grabbed a fistfull of my hair and pulled me around on the bed a bit. This really threw me for a loop. I felt off balance by this sudden change of events, he was fierce and cold and mocking my whimpers.

Tears filled my eyes when he told me to position myself on the bed. I tried to control them, I really didn't understand why they were there. I did manage to get the tears to stop and Master proceeded with a rather delicious caning. Afterwards he told me I needed it and I understood what he meant. It helped to center me and bring me back to the obedience he expected from me. In that moment I felt extremely lucky to be his.

Today has been a lazy day, sort of. We slept in and Master had a nap. I got some cleaning and laundry done. When Master woke from his nap he cooked the family a delicious meal while I cleaned our bathroom and had a late shower. Now I'm sitting here relishing all my little aches left over from yesterday and mentally preparing myself for the first day of my classes tomorrow.

In just a few short minutes Master and I will watch HBO's new show, Rome. Life is good.

One Dimensional

One very frustrating thing about reading books or articles about Lifestyle issues is that they're very one dimensional. We're only seeing a tiny snippet of the whole that is D/s or M/s from the author's perspective.

What about the humanity? What about the bad days? What about the good days? What about the fun? Is there any fun? These are the questions that pop into my head when I'm reading. Perhaps Master and I are unusual, we have a lot of fun together and he's not afraid of losing control over me because he's letting me tease him about things. It doesn't take much for him to make the shift from partner to Master and to rein me in again.

That's why I enjoy reading Lifestyle blogs so much. I get to see the humanity, I get to see the good, the bad, and the fun. It helps me to know I'm not alone in this huge world. Sometimes I do need a little outside validation, it's nice to know that I'm not doing it "wrong" even though I know there is no right or wrong way to live this Lifestyle.

I especially enjoy the couples blogs because I get to see life from both perspectives and that is a rare gift in my opinion. Sometimes I wish I could get Master to write here, even to comment, but he's just not much of an online person. He's satisfied with reading what I have to say and talking to me about it later.

Addendum to Humility and Pride

These are the definitions I'm working with when I talk about pride.

Pride:
1. satisfaction with self: the happy satisfied feeling somebody experiences when having or achieving something special that other people admire took great pride in his work
2. proper sense of own value: the correct level of respect for the importance and value of your personal character, life, efforts, or achievements Defeat didn't damage her pride.

The more I think on it, the more I can see that for some, slavery entails giving up at least some of that sense of self. I'm thankful for variety because I've been self-effacing in a negative way and it was extremely unhealthy, I'm fearful of falling back into that way of being again. I still have a difficult time accepting compliments because I don't always feel worthy of them, and I'm still uncomfortable with having attention focused on me.

I think I can be a good slave without giving up my sense of self and without giving up the positive bits of pride that I have.

Humility and Pride

I was reading Slavecraft last night and came across an essay about humility. In it the author talked about pride being a negative thing for him and his slavehood. He also talked about humility being a goal for him as a slave. Some of the examples were not taking credit for work he's done, sitting on the most uncomfortable chairs and leaving the comfy ones for the Master he serves, etc.

Imagine, if you will, my brain screeching to a halt at these words. I don't think pride is a negative thing unless one becomes cocky or arrogant and I don't understand the line of thinking that says it is negative in and of itself. I take pride in doing a job well, this feeds into my self-esteem and self-confidence which leads to me being mentally healthy and happy. I guess I just don't understand how a person can't have even just a teensy bit of pride, for me it's a natural reaction when I've done a job well.

For me, the whole pride as a negative smacks of my Baptist beginnings which tried to convince me I was evil because I was female. *note: I am not making generalizations about all Baptists this was just my experience in one church* So maybe I'm having a knee-jerk reaction to the essay on humility and I need to give it another read without the filters.

Right now my ideas on the subject feel very solid. Pride, in moderation, is a good thing. I didn't always take pride in myself, I didn't care how I looked, I can only describe my previous appearance as dumpy. I wore any old thing, the baggier the better, and I didn't do much with my hair. When I see old pictures of myself I just want to burn them. I really looked horrid and what's worse, I remember how awful I always felt. It took years to build my self-esteem up to what it is now and part of that process involved learning to take a little pride in myself and in the things I did. Another part of the process has involved my learning to accept compliments, I had no concept of my self-worth.

I'm not saying that I think humility is a bad thing either, I think humility is the balance for pride, it keeps us from becoming arrogant or cocky.

My lack of understanding of the author's viewpoint is likely due to the type of owner I belong to and the way we came to M/s. He encourages me to retain my personhood, I'm not sure he'd like me if I were more humble, and possibly self-effacing. He seems to enjoy my spirited, cheeky, and passionate nature and even does things to invoke each aspect at certain times.

I guess it's only natural, when confronted with another way of doing things, to examine one's own way of doing things to see if there's something that could be improved. Maybe it's only natural for me. That's what I'm doing right now, looking for that which needs improved. However, unless Master says otherwise, I don't think I'm giving up the bit of pride I have in myself and the things I do.

Hot Patootie, Bless My Soul!

I'm watching Rocky Horror Picture Show and enjoying some much sought-after quiet time while attempting to get sleepy enough to go to bed. Yes, I know, RHP is not really conducive to sleep what with the Time Warp and all but I must try.

The next few days will be busy and full as we get the kids ready to start school again this week. Read: see me adjusting to an early morning schedule again. I'm not looking forward to that part of the new school year.

I've been doing a bit of pleasure reading here and there. I finished The Slave, the second in The Marketplace series. This one actually evoked a bit of an emotional response in me, the first one didn't do that at all, it was simply titillating. I look forward to reading the next one when I get the opportunity. I'm also delving into Slavecraft while letting The Surrendered Wife take a short trip to the back burner.

Other than that it's business as usual. I think we've found a balance but I'm afraid that will all be turned upside down when I begin classes again next week. I know we'll figure things out as they come, in the meantime I'm remembering to do the little things that help keep me sane.

Still Here

Contrary to appearances I haven't dropped off the face of the Earth. No, instead I've had a summer cold and it kicked my butt for a few days. I'm happily feeling a bit better today.

I'm still working and it looks like they may work with my school schedule which right now seems like a blessing. The only downside is that I may not be able to be on the dedicated team I was hired for which kind of sucks. I don't mind the work but it's frazzling sometimes to have to know, or at least be able to find, information for numerous clients. Being on a dedicated team for one client whose information I'd eventually know inside and out would be, well, heavenly. I really hate not knowing things when I'm expected to know them. I dislike feeling like I'm out of my depth, it makes me feel vulnerable and insecure and that just blows goats.

I went and picked up my buttload of books for the fall term and was just blown away by the size, weight, and amount of books that I have to have. Good grief! A person could be killed by a sturdy blow to the head with my medical dictionary. Yeah, who knew books could be weapons, leave it to me to think of it. *eg*

Master's been feeling extra frisky lately, I have no idea why but I'm not about to question it. Last night as we were lying in bed he decided to spank me. I was lying on my side with my back to him reading and he pulled the blankets up, exposing my bottom and began to spank the uppermost cheek. I pretended indifference for a while, just being cheeky, and tried to continue reading while he spanked me. The truth is it felt awesome, I've become such a spanko lately and I'm not quite sure why, but I wasn't ready to tell him yet that I was enjoying it. He eventually ramped up the intensity to a point that I couldn't pretend any longer. I began to moan and squirm just a teensy bit. He alternated spanking with stroking my bottom with his hand and pressing his hard cock against it or stroking my breasts and pinching my nipples.

Eventually he tired of the spanking and decided orgasms were in order for both of us. Say no to an orgasm? Me? Surely you jest! I don't know what it is about midnight sex in the dark but it always seems more intense, hotter. He had me lying on my back with his fingers inside while I used the pocket rocket on my clit. I tell you, his fingers are magic, he knows exactly where to touch me inside, how much pressure to use, and at what speed to thrust his fingers in and out. It wasn't long before I felt the orgasm building then washing over me, I had to beg him to slow his thrusting fingers because it was so intense and just as he slowed down I felt another peak, as if another orgasm was beginning.. I was beside myself with pleasure, grunting and groaning into my pillow to muffle my noises. Then I was limp on the bed trying to catch my breath.

Instead of letting me rest and come down he tweaked my nipples and stroked my clit, enjoying my twitching and flailing. My entire body is hyper-sensitive after orgasm and little touches send me into uncontrollable spasms which gives him quite a thrill to see. After a short amount of time he tired of that and it was his turn. He had me get into position on the bed and using my ample wetness, slid in to the hilt. I gasped as his cockhead stroked that ever so sensitive spot inside me. It seems like his cock was made just for f*cking me, it's the perfect length and hits all the right spots every time. He started with a slow but steady pace but I was eager for a forceful f*cking so I thrust back against him trying to urge him to go faster. He resisted my urgings and kept his own pace. When he came he thrust so deeply that it made me gasp "So deep, so deep" and he thrust even deeper, I wanted to scream it felt so good.

Midnight sex... yeah, that's the best. *smiles*

Me Time

Yesterday I took everyone's advice and made some "me" time. After dinner I went upstairs, put a little "do not disturb except in case of emergency" sign on the door and locked myself in. I put on the Native American Flutes cd I have and after a shave, pedicure, and shower, I filled the tub with a little warmer than I like water and bubbles smelling of lavender and vanilla, lit some candles, and climbed in. I had a nice little soak and stayed in until I was good and pruney.

At some point I began to feel aroused and wished Master were home. *g* However, it was nice having a good chunk of alone time. I needed it.

After the bath I felt SO good, my skin was silky soft and I was relaxed and happy. The rest of the evening was just nice. I watched TV with LMR until Master came home and took me out for a short drive.

Today has been a lazy day which is OH so nice.

Oh, maybe I should mention that Friday night Master and I played and it was GOOD. It was the best way to start a weekend. He headed upstairs and called me up, I had no idea he'd been planning to play. When I got up there the blankets were off the bed and he had music playing. He helped me undress and then placed the blindfold on me. Normally I get skittish about it but I relaxed into it. He spanked me a bit then had me climb onto the bed and lie down. He gave me a thorough spanking then until I began to moan loudly into the pillow. That was goooooood. He did this a few times, each time the spanks becoming harder. Then he pulled out the dreaded Wartenburg Wheel. *shudders* I hate that thing, really I do. He tortures me with it, delighting in my desperate attempts to hold still all the while I'm shrieking and begging him to stop.

I ended up rolling all over the bed in an attempt to get away from him and that wheel and giggling too. Somewhere in there he alternated the wheel with sucking on my toes which just bothers me to no end. I don't find it erotic at all and will do my level best to escape if I can. I thought for sure it'd be a torture night but he had other plans.

He had me get back into position and flogged my backside from shoulders to thighs. It's too bad the floggers are so loud, he couldn't do too much with them. (we weren't alone in the house) I wasn't ready for him to stop, I loved the flogging the best.
He moved to this other toy we've got, I've no idea what to call it. I guess I'd describe it as a limp sjambok, the dang thing HURTS! It's a wicked, wicked, wicked toy and takes only the slightest tap to have a strong impact. He didn't use it long before he switched to the canes, thank goodness. He caned me until I was sobbing and screaming into the pillow and that was that. We snuggled then. I felt limp, wrung out, and positively relaxed. It wasn't long though before we found other things to entertain us. *g* Good play followed by good sex, that's the way I like to start a weekend.

Too Much on My Plate

As I laid awake in bed last night I began to think that maybe I've just got too much on my plate, or will have once the fall term at school starts. I have a job, I have school, I have my family, I have my responsibilities as a group leader. At the same time I'm trying to reconnect with my spirituality and improve myself as a slave.

Am I trying to have it all? I kept thinking over and over that maybe there's something I ought to give up for the time being. I mean, there's only so much multi-tasking this woman can do. At the end of the day I'm fried and pretty much useless. My body is telling me that it won't accept much more yet here I am fixing my school schedule so I won't be traveling back and forth to Ankeny twice in a day, instead I'll be spending four hours in class on Fridays and then four hours at work.

I'm starting to not bounce back after a night's work, the pain is starting to linger and sets in sooner at work. I'm not willing to admit defeat though, I suck it up and just deal with it. As he keeps telling me, there are people who work full-time and go to school. I just find myself wondering how many of them have families, are in service to their Masters, and have chronic pain. Maybe I'm just a wimp. I feel inadequate when compared to others because I can't just ignore the pain and I can't push much past my body's limits. I know he doesn't mean to but that's precisely what happens when he says things like that. I feel as if I'm being compared to those folks who can seem to manage school and a full-time job and I feel as if I've been found lacking.

Still, I try. I try to live up to his expectations of me while trying to live up to my own as well. All the while I feel like I'm drowning. And school hasn't even started yet.

A Chat With Master

Master: So, I read your journal. I see you're going to try to give up more control. I like that you want to give it up but I also like taking it too.

I think I grinned a lopsided grin at him at this point and didn't say much. I don't often unless something needs to be said.

I have to say that my favorite form of communication is written and Master doesn't seem to mind reading my journal. It usually sparks conversations and we come to deeper understandings. I'm not a very talkative person and won't often say much, Master, on the other hand, is a talkaholic. *grins* He could be domly and force me to speak and in cases where I'm upset he will, and that's probably good for me. But most of the time he seems happy to give me space to write and then takes time to read it and if there's something he wants to talk about, he will.

I feel like we've got a deeper understanding and clearer communication since he began reading my journals. He seems a lot more content too.

I thought it might be nice to give a little glimpse into our way of communicating. I don't talk much about it but that doesn't mean that it doesn't happen. We couldn't have a successful relationship without communication.

Give Up Control

As I mentioned in my last entry I'm reading the book The Surrendered Wife by Laura Doyle. I'm trying a bit of an experiment, I'm going to blog some of the exercises and the results. So far in my reading I think this book has an application to the M/s lifestyle.

One premise of the book is that some of us control freaks do so out of fear that has grown from past junk. That, in my experience, is pretty spot on. Another is that displaying a lack of trust in one's mate says that you made a bad choice and married someone "beneath" you. The key point is to surrender and trust, allow yourself to be vulnerable, thereby inviting more intimacy and allowing your mate to be himself, to be a man. I can go with the idea that surrendering will invite more intimacy and will allow him to be the Master he is.

So, the first "exercise" is to "list five situations where you've been controlling with your husband(in this case, Master) recently. For each situation, ask yourself what it was you were afraid would happen? Was your fear realistic? What was the worst-case scenario?"

1.) The air conditioning is wonky in my car and it takes a bit of a trick to get it going. Yesterday, and every day he drives, I tried yet again to explain how to do it without giving him the chance to just do it on his own.

I was afraid it would take longer to get the air conditioning going and that maybe he'd take off just assuming that it'd eventually get going.
It wasn't a realistic fear, he doesn't want to sweat any more than I do.
Worst-case scenario would be that we drove the whole way home with the air not running. Needing to control the situation didn't justify demonstrating a lack of trust in Master.

2.) Master is making a dish for dinner later this week that is "mine" and I was unsure if he knew how to make homemade mashed potatoes for it so I asked him if he knew how and had him talk me through it step by step correcting him along the way.

I was afraid the dish wouldn't turn out right and that night's dinner would be awful.
It wasn't a realistic fear, if he's unsure of how to make something he'll look it up or ask me how I do it, he's not helpless.
Worst-case scenario, he'd do it on his own and I'd come home to either a horrible mess or something else entirely. Not the end of the world.
My needing to control the situation wasn't justified.

3.) When discussing his sharing me with others I talk about my health concerns. I know that he's aware of my susceptibility to certain things but I bring these concerns up anyway knowing that instead of risking my health he'll likely back off the idea.

I am truly afraid of getting ill and have the opinion that he's not going to be as concerned about my health as I am. I'm also afraid of being rejected by these "others" because of my body.
My first fear isn't realistic, he takes his responsibility for me very seriously and my being out of commission due to illness isn't fun for him either. My second fear is realistic.
Worst-case scenario is he shares me with others and I get ill and am miserable for a few weeks or the others he wants to share me with recoil in revulsion and leave.
I want so badly to justify my need for controlling the situation with these fears but I can't. I have to trust in him to not only care for my body but my mind too.

4.) When he drives I give direction and watch his speed.

My fears are that we'll be late arriving, we'll get a ticket, or we'll get in an accident.
They are realistic fears but not things I can control.
The worst-case scenario would be that we arrived late, we got a ticket, or got in an accident.
These fears do not justify trying to control the situation and undermining him.

5.) Sometimes when Master gets off on a rant in public I will pat his leg in an effort to get him to quiet down a bit.

My fear is all to do with being embarrassed in public and possibly ostracized by others.
I don't know if this fear is realistic or not.
The worst-case scenario would be that Master said something to offend someone else leaving me feeling embarrassed and the other person chose to no longer speak to me as a result.
Needing to control this situation isn't justified.

The next step is to bite my tongue and let go, to surrender. This goes along with my trying to step back and ask if I can offer suggestions rather than blithely making them without regard to his desires or feelings.

Awkward slave

Yesterday was my first day off after my first week of work. I looked forward to it all week. Saturday Master and I would be attending our local group's munch together and spending time with our good friends. Saturday Master and I would reconnect.

I was happy and content until it came time to get ready for the munch then the world's worst case of nerves hit me. I felt hyper, nervous, and awkward. I had to shave Master's face and get myself ready. I felt like it was the first time I'd ever done it (shaving his face). I felt so awkward holding that razor, I even screwed up and began shaping sideburns for him instead of the partial beard that he'd requested. *sigh*

It was really strange, I felt giddy the rest of the day and was actually somewhat reserved in my behavior, more deferential to him than usual. I don't understand yet why I felt that way. It had only been about a week since I last shaved his face and it's not unusual to go a week without giving him a shave.

We had an excellent day that ended with us ending a week long sex drought. Perhaps I'll write about that tomorrow.

My birthday was today and I got gift cards from Master and m'Lady for Barnes and Noble. Right now I have The Surrendered Wife and a murder mystery book called The Cutting Room. I've got Slavecraft and The Slave on order. Yay for new books! I'm such a book slut. *g*

Day to Day

So life has been pretty dull lately. I started a new job this week and so far so good though we do get on the phones for the first time tonight. I hate being gone when Master gets home but I'm glad I get home early enough to spend part of the evening with him.

I'm feeling pressured, clustered, and closed in. I have finite time to get things done that need to be done. School starts again soon and that means another whole world of madness. I'm thinking that maybe I should change my schedule so I'm not driving back and forth to Ankeny twice a day two days a week, that's really insane. I'm surprised Master didn't point it out but then again, he's got other things to worry about.

We've both been stressed over money and it's left me feeling very unsexy and unsexual. That's hard because I want to take care of his needs, it's just that by the time we get ready for bed sex is the last thing on my mind. It's really frustrating for him but he's been kind and has given me space.

I'm hoping I'll find a rhythm and settle into a routine soon.

Topping from the Bottom

How often have we heard this phrase? How often has it been used as a tool to denigrate another? "You're not very submissive, you're topping from the bottom."

Well, it can also be used as a tool to point out controlling behavior that one might not otherwise be aware of.

It was used to point out some of my behavior Friday night by a dominant friend of ours. At first I felt kind of defensive, how dare he say such a thing to me? I mean, I'm the best slave I can be aren't I? Then I calmed down and realized he wasn't saying it to be snarky or to put me down. He was just pointing out something that I do without even thinking which is kind of ironic because what I am doing is thinking.

We'd been talking about a play rape scene for me, he was rather into the idea with Master's permission, and I was thinking about all the possibilities and the practicality of what he was suggesting. It's what I do, I think things through, overthink them really. I plan and plot and like to figure out all the unknowns so I'm prepared for whatever might happen. In other words, I don't like to let go and just let things happen. I maintain some control in my planning.

He told me to stop, I couldn't plan it all out because that's topping from the bottom. It may not seem so but it is, for me. I do plan things out as a means of keeping control. I don't like to do anything unless I know all the details, if something unknown happens, I don't take it well.

Hmm. Lots to think about. I told him that I can't stop thinking, there are only two occasions when I stop thinking, when I'm aroused beyond a certain point, and when I'm taken past a certain point with pain play. Other than that, I think, during a mild flogging I sort of step outside my body and think "What's he using? Is that the rope or the suede?"

I don't know how to stop thinking, I've tried meditation and end up thinking through the whole thing even though I've tried to just let the thoughts go. I've mentally chided myself for thinking, tried to clear my mind... even during guided meditations stray thoughts will wend their way into my consciousness.

It's no wonder I don't feel very slave-like sometimes, I'm busily planning and controlling everything.

Irrational Anger

So yesterday I had what amounts to a fit over something pretty minor. While Master was retrieving his glasses from the shelf over the commode a few of my hair ties and such got knocked into the commode.

It really upset me because I don't have that many and it's taken a while to get them because I don't ask very often for little things. I wouldn't hear of washing them off and just told him to throw them away. It may seem silly but there are bacteria that live in toilets, even the cleanest of toilets, and thinking about wearing things in my hair that had been in the toilet was just disgusting.

I ended up blaming him for being careless and in general making him feel badly for something that was an accident. I felt as if he'd been ignoring everything I said simply because he felt he knew better. To explain, I close the lid on the toilet before I get into the shower or whenever I'm going to be getting anything off the shelf as a means of preventing accidents like what happened yesterday. I have asked him several times to close the lid before he gets into the shower and every time, he leaves the lid up. (yeah I know, I should close the lid if I want it closed) Obviously, as his slave I should be closing that toilet lid but as his wife I feel like it's a matter of common courtesy. So, I have a hard time separating the two and shutting the wife side up.

I really got on a tirade that I shouldn't have even started, it was unfair and simply uncalled for. I realized that after I'd calmed down and we talked about it. Feel like a jerk? Me? Yep.

I'm really trying to learn how to not blow minor things up into major things. It's really a credit to Master that he didn't jump to the defensive and kept things from getting worse. He's become a calming influence which is really something considering how hot his temper once was.

I feel like a complete a$$ and would like to formally apologize to him. I am sorry Master for being a jerk, it was an accident and I shouldn't have reacted the way I did.

What If?

It isn't something I like to think about often but it has come up in more than one place and that alone is enough to make me stop and think.

What if something happens to Master? What if the unthinkable happens and we actually split up or he decided to release me and wanted to live only as a vanilla couple?

What would I do? How would I cope?

I'd like to believe that we'll be together until we're both old and wrinkled and that we'll die together. Of course I've also told Master and M that he's not allowed to die without my permission and obviously I'd never grant him permission to die.

Neither Master nor I are certain that we'd survive the loss of the other. We're so much a part of each other that we're interdependent and interconnected. We've grown up together, quite literally. We came together as teenagers and spent the last of our teenage years living together as a couple and as parents. We've been through quite a bit as a couple, betrayals, affairs, addiction, we've survived it all and come out stronger and more committed to each other as a result. That isn't to say that we don't have our days where we want to throw in the towel but we're both too stubborn to actually do it. *wry grin*

Because of this we're both pretty certain that nothing short of death will separate us. I know, never say never, but if you knew the details of our history... we've survived a lot together and feel like there isn't much we couldn't survive.

So, in the event of his death if I managed to survive it, I've got a good support system consisting of M, m'Lady, and our good friends J and his girl mist. Actually, I don't think they'd let me curl up and die. I believe they'd be there to support Master in the event of my death as well. They're more than friends, they're family.

I don't think I could walk away from the lifestyle and I don't think Master would want me to give up that part of myself because of his death. I think the best testament to him would be to live well and to celebrate life.

So, I'd mourn him, I'd grieve for however long it takes. Then I'd pick myself up and learn to live again.

But, as I said, this is something I really don't like to think about often, it always makes me sad to think about losing him. Ten lifetimes probably wouldn't be enough time to have with him. So, I don't think about it, instead I treasure every moment I have with him. But I do know what would happen if... I'm provided for, I'd have a cushion while I mourned, and I'd have the best support a girl could ask for.

Can't Sleep

I tried to, I really gave it an honest try, but I couldn't sleep. I'm tired too. Not fair.

Maybe I shouldn't have read vampire erotica before trying to go to sleep? All I could think of was hot monkey sex with one of my males, or both. Greedy? Yes I am and not too proud to admit it. I have terrible timing though. Master was feeling frisky before bedtime and I was still feeling less than friendly so I took care of his needs and sent him off to sweet slumber while I read a book. What was I thinking?? Now I get to spend the next who knows how long waiting for some satisfaction.

I'm constantly drawn back to a couple of nights ago. We were in bed, Master and I, and neither of us were feeling very amorous so he laid there trying to fall asleep and I read a book. Suddenly a storm rolled in and it was a doozy. Lightning that dazzled the eyes and thunder that rocked the windows. Master started cozying up to me, or maybe I cozied up to him, I can't remember. All I remember for sure is his warm breath on the back of my neck teasing and promising. He took the time to push the right buttons, kissing the back of my neck and shoulders, stroking my breasts, all while I reach back with one hand and stroke his cock. That has got to be, by far, my favorite form of foreplay. We worked ourselves up to a fever pitch and tossed back the covers. I reached over to shut off the lamp and asked him to open the blinds a little. Just as the storm was building up to full strength we started working up to our own crescendo. He laid on his side with me on my back and he slid into me with ease while I grabbed the pocket rocket, I wanted to come on his cock. He stroked slowly inside me while I frantically worked my clit. I was anxious for it, my need was so great. His orgasm came first with mine following closely on its heels as I begged "Pleasepleaseplease stay there". Soon I thrashed around and rocked back and forth on his cock which sent him into further paroxysms of pleasure as my cunt clenched around his extremely sensitive cock.

There's nothing quite like sex during a nighttime thunderstorm if you ask me. *G*

Of course retelling this doesn't help me one iota. Horny and can't sleep because of it? Remember the last great sex you had and talk about it. Yeah, that helps. NOT! lol

Ahh well, perhaps I should go give sleep another try.

Feeling Irritable

I feel irritable right now. I want silence, solitude, to be alone. But no, they have to be here, they have to talk to me even after I've said "Please leave me be, I'm writing something." No, they don't understand personal space or boundaries. Mom is supposed to be available 24/7 no matter what.

So, I deal and I don't snap at them, I just sigh that heavy sigh, you know the one, the one that says "I really don't want to do this", and I answer them, make conversation and try to continue to write.

That's one of the downfalls of having the computer in the living room, no privacy. No privacy is also a downfall of summer break. Year round school, I demand it! *ggg*

Talking about the cutting and other past issues has left me kind of introspective yet irritable. When I talk about these things I remember them, vividly. I have physical memory, my body remembers what it felt like to self-harm, my mind remembers the emotions I had. It felt good, I felt powerful, and sometimes I miss it.

I'm seriously considering kneeling in the bedroom with the canes in my hands when Master gets home from work tonight. I want the pain, I need it. Does that make me addicted to the pain? Perhaps. Does that make my coping mechanisms immature? Yeah, likely. I can live with that. I am who I am not despite my experiences but because of them. The early neglect and abuse shaped me into a self-reliant, independent person. The sexual abuse tempered me much like the flame tempers steel, it hardened my will to survive and showed me that I should be careful with my trust. The self-injury showed me that there are things I can control. Master is the one who taught me the self-injury hurt others and helped me find other ways of coping.

Still. Still I feel selfish at times and want to cope with things the way I want to cope with them. Sometimes I just want to feel the pain. *shrug* It's just part of who I am, how I'm wired.

It's really odd too because today has been a good day. I passed the physical exam for the job I'd applied for and at the second interview earlier this week I was offered the job if I passed the test. Sometimes there is no rhyme or reason for my moods I guess.

I am having fun with these avatars though. They really brighten up my blog and put just that little bit more expression into it.

Masochism, Self-Mutilation, and Disassociation

Yeah, it's a heavy post today. There was a question asked on the owners and slaves list about cutters and masochism that got me to thinking a lot.

This reminds me of something else that's been percolating in my brain, subspace as a means of disassociation. Many s-types have written or talked about how they float off somewhere else mentally and are no longer aware of what is happening to their bodies. I've seen people actually pass out/lose consciousness during SM play. I'd like to know the why of it, the how of it. You see, I've always been mentally and physically present during SM play. I like the way I process pain and can't imagine ever not being present to experience it.

I haven't disassociated since I was a really young child, I was about 7 I think. It was after my grandmother died and Reality (I use capital R-eality to describe what we experience as a group and little r-eality to describe what we experience individually) was less than pleasant. I was left with a mother who didn't want me so I divorced myself from Reality and lived my own reality. It was bad enough that I was sent to a special school where they combined therapy and education. Since then I have been hmm, hyper present. I can't divorce myself from what is going on around me despite wanting to sometimes.

This is an across the board sort of thing, I've never experienced that floaty headspace that I've seen and heard talked about. Nor have I ever lost consciousness as I've seen others do. Mind you, I'm not putting down their experiences, I'm actually fascinated by them. I'd like to know the how and the why of it as much as I'd like to know the how and the why of my experiences.
------
As long as I've been in the Lifestyle, admittedly a short 6 years, there has been discussion about the link between self-mutilation and masochism. If there is a link, then how do we explain those who have never self-mutilated? I was a self-mutilater, even as an adult, and I'm also a masochist. I began to feel like trying to figure out if there was a link, or not, was similar to a dog chasing its tail. The self-mutilation and masochsim, for me, have different motivators but I do think that the self-mutilation might have been a symptom of the masochism. Of course psychiatric professionals might disagree with me, I don't know.

Our son came to me one day and asked me "Is it wrong to like pain?" and I told him that no, it wasn't wrong it was just the way he was wired. It may be simplistic but it feels true to me.

Fear

Yesterday was scary, today continues to be scary. I've got a bladder infection that I've had since the end of June. I've been treated twice before with the one antibiotic I'm not allergic to. It wasn't effective. The first time I was only given a 5 day course, that wasn't enough. Then I was given a 10 day course which I finished last week.

I hadn't felt quite right since finishing the meds and yesterday the symptoms got strong enough to send me off to the doctor. The doctor looked at me and said "I don't know what to do for you." He was referring to the fact that I was allergic to the only meds that are used for treating bladder and urinary tract infections. The one that I'm not allergic to isn't as effective and is a last choice.

We talked about my reactions to each of the drugs and there is one that I only had an itchy rash with, the rest I had anaphylactic (hives and breathing difficulty) reactions to. So, here I am today on the one that gave me a rash. I have to keep an eye on my body and I've got Benedryl on hand.

It's scary knowing that I could end up with an infection that can't be treated. What happens then? What will they do? I'm extremely susceptible to bladder and urinary tract infections and I'm doing everything I can to prevent them. I'm getting to the point that I'm almost paranoid to have any sort of penetrative sex because that can cause infections for me, even with all necessary precautions.

I told Master about the med situation yesterday and he was concerned and told me we'd be watching me closely. I told M to and he kept asking over and over again, "You've told the doctor you're allergic to this medication right?" Right now, taking the medication is the lesser of two evils and that's the point I had to make to everyone, including the pharmacist. I haven't yet told m'Lady and I'm hoping I get the chance to do so today.

I think the point was finally driven home yesterday, I've got to get to an allergist to be sure I'm definitely allergic to these drugs and if I am, I need to either find a way to get desensitized to them or start bugging someone to find alternative medications. This is the first time that the medication I was taking hasn't worked. So yeah, I'm finally worried.

Correction

One of my biggest failings as a slave, and possibly as a wife, is that I correct him whenever I think he is wrong. How presumptuous and rude is that?

I don't do it to lord anything over him, not even to show superiority. It is done without thought, instinctively. I see that as a huge failing in myself as a slave. The smart alec remarks he forgives, he expects and dare I say it, enjoys them. We've always sparred verbally, it's playful and fun for us. However, he doesn't enjoy my corrections and I need to learn to stop making them without his permission.

I tried once today, I caught myself and asked if I could make a suggestion. It seemed to go well, he granted permission for my suggestion, I made it and that was that. No tension, no feeling as if I were stepping on his toes after that tight look he gets around his eyes when I've irritated him.

I need to remember that he doesn't need my correction and to correct him is disrespectful. I like the idea of asking permission to make suggestions and I think he liked it when I did so today.

It would be ideal if he could discipline me when I overstep my bounds but given that there are always little eyes around watching us it isn't normally possible. By the time we are alone I think we're both ready for a bit of sex and sleep and neither of us is thinking about discipline. I'm sure that's the last thing he wants to do before bed, it would only serve to wind him up instead of relax him.

That makes things really difficult and I guess that's where I start feeling unslavelike. I have to be self-correcting/disciplining so much of the time. I don't mean that I shouldn't have self-discipline and self-control but his discipline of me helps to reinforce things. I'm having a hard time coming up with a good analogy for this. I guess I'd liken it to animal training, whenever there's a behavior you want to teach or deter you have to spend a certain amount of time reinforcing commands and rewarding appropriate behavior. After a while, the animal is able to act and react as expected almost instinctively. I want to be well-trained like that but I can't train myself.

We need to have a chat I think.

Friday Night

Last night was and wasn't, everything we'd hope it would be. We spent a good part of the time just chatting up with friends which was really nice. I felt a tension headache budding midway through the evening and I knew it didn't bode well but tried to ignore it and hoped it'd go away.

Finally Master decided we should go downstairs. After we went into the medical room he started laying things out in preparation for piercing me. That's when the serious nerves hit. I was reluctant to undress, I kept hoping he was just playing with my mind. But, he ordered me to remove my top and bra. I did as I was told and after a couple of nice kisses from him, I climbed up onto the gyno table. I wanted to sit upright but he told me to lean back. I was really nervous then.

When he came at me with the needle I was ready to bolt. The thought of getting up and running from the room did cross my mind but I couldn't make myself do it. He wanted this and I wanted to give it to him. I think I whimpered "nonono" just as he started pushing the needle through. I couldn't think beyond that. As the needle continued its slow journey through my nipple I kept up a litany of "Ohsh*tf*cknosh*tsh*tshi*t" It burned and burned, and continued to burn even after it was all the way through.

Master brought my hand to his groin to show me just how much he enjoyed it. I was happy about that but couldn't think past the burning in my nipple. It didn't ease up until a minute or so before he removed it. He wanted to do the other nipple but I told him that the first one was an icky pain. He told me I could beg him to not do the other one and I asked "Will it help if I do?" *chuckles* I know where I stand.

He decided to not do the other one, he doesn't really like to inflict pain if it's truly not good pain.

He'd planned to play with me more a little later on so we went out and socialized some more. Finally he decided we'd play, but we kept socializing. I thought it meant that he didn't want to play which, at that point was fine with me. The headache had gotten worse and I didn't think I'd be able to find my groove if we did play. However, he wanted to try so I was game. He decided that he wanted to play in the other room and had me schlep all our gear to that room. Then he said "No, let's go to the other room" so I had to schlep everything back again. He did this a couple of times and I began to get a little cranky. My head hurt, my back was starting to hurt from all the standing I'd been doing, and our gear is heavy which made my back ache more.

He was talking with m'Lady about how fun it was to make me tote the gear back and forth and my mouth ran without my thinking about it. I said "Sure, I can do this all night if you don't want to do anything else." I knew as soon as I said it I was wrong. He looked at me with that look he gets, the one that says I've overstepped my bounds, and told me that perhaps I needed punished. I quickly qualified what I'd said and let him know that I'd be useless if I kept it up.

He decided to have me move the gear to the other room, the one with a bed, and there we set up to play. I'd like to say the play went great but it didn't. I couldn't find my groove and I kept getting angry at everything he was doing. I got angrier and at one point I was just this side of getting up and hitting him. Not good.

Not long after that I couldn't catch my breath, I was breathing too fast and I got overheated. He called a halt and between him and m'Lady, they got me some water. I laid there for a while regained control of my breathing while cooling off. I felt like such a git. Why couldn't I just relax and let go? I think the headache was a good part of it, I was extra sensitive to everything and my pain tolerance goes to heck when I've got one.

I feel bad for my open defiance last night. I can say some pretty stupid things sometimes.

On the drive home I told Master that I thought maybe we should try the nipple piercing again when I don't have a headache. Maybe I can get into it if my head doesn't hurt. He thinks I'm crazy. *smiles*

What does it mean?

I woke up this morning to a post-it left on my monitor that read:

Joy,

I love you.

Me

It could just be a simple love note. But it could be more. It could be him saying "I love you but I'm still going to hurt you tonight."

Yeah, I'm suspicious. It's the mindf*cks, I'm telling you, they make one analyze everything, every word, every gesture, for hints of something more, clues that this is or isn't a mindf*ck. I'm sure he'll chuckle when he reads this and take it as evidence of a mindf*ck well done.

I'm not saying that I doubt his sincerity, that is never in question, ever. What is in question are the things he says he will or won't do to me. He likes to keep me guessing and, for the most part, I play along quite nicely. Though part of me is always suspicious and the other part is accepting; if it happens it happens and if it doesn't, that's cool too. I have a lot of parts to me. *chuckles*

I wonder if he was thinking of this very reaction when he wrote and left this little note. I think, knowing him and the hour he wrote it, he was just thinking of me and wanted to leave a note telling me so.

Whatever the reasons, I have just a few short hours to prepare myself for him, physically and mentally. These hours, this day, they're not mine, they're his. They'll all be spent in preparation for his pleasure. I never really thought I'd ritualized preparing my body for his use but, I have. There is a distinct pattern, a routine, and my mind is always on the outcome. Every little thing has to be perfect (in my mind) for him. I start with my toenails, polishing them and letting them dry before I move on to shaving and showering. Then it's a combination of doing my hair and make-up, getting dressed, and being sure the toy bag has everything he might want in it. I prepped the medical bag earlier in the week so no worries about that.

I admit, I look forward to and love the prep time. Even if it is a little stressful near the end and I get a little snippy (cranky) I love being able to stand before him and say "How do I look?" His answer may be short and to the point "Fine" I know he appreciates what he sees, I know that everything that should be, is smooth and hairless as he likes it. I know that I've pleased him and that, ultimately, is my goal.

Interview Update

Well, I had my first interview today. I think the interview went really well. I just relaxed and chatted the interviewer up as if he were just a regular person and not the person who could keep me from getting the job. I let my typing skills and my education do the selling.

So, now I have to pass a background check. If I pass that they'll likely call me back for a second interview and a physical. The physical includes testing for repetitive motion injuries. If mine show up, they won't hire me. Yes, I know it's unethical to not mention that I'd been diagnosed with tendonitis in the past but a.) it's a temp job and b.) I don't intend to make a career of it even if they did decide they wanted to keep me.

So, I'm just keeping the crossables crossed that since the tendonitis hasn't really flared up in quite some time, that it won't show up during the test. Oh, and that they get the answers they want from my background/reference check.

I'm tired of feeling bad for not being able to work. I'm tired of feeling useless.

On Pins & Needles

Friday night Master and I are to attend a play party hosted by our good friends J & K. Since the weekend, Master has been talking about play piercing my nipples.

I'm nervous about it. I've been pierced before, both play and permanent, and enjoyed it. For some reason the idea of him doing it has me completely undone. I'm totally vulnerable to him and I think that's why I'm scared, it's not just my body he'll be playing with, it's my mind.

I'd like to believe that he's just mindf*cking me but judging by his obvious excitement each time he talks about it, I don't think he is.

I'd like to say that the only thing I feel is fear and nervousness but that wouldn't be entirely honest. Each time he takes a nipple between his fingers and talks about sticking needles through it, I begin to get aroused. There's something about the intentness of his gaze, the excitement of his body, and the sheer dominance in his voice that makes my body think "Hey this will be great!" My mind, of course, is saying "Are you nuts?!"

It's strange, I'm nervous about it but I'm also sort of anticipating it. I'm not fighting it like I usually would. Normally I'd close up, not admit to my nervousness, and not really participate in the conversation. I think it's his desire and excitement that are drawing me in. I want to give him what he wants. I want to go there with him, wherever 'there' may be. I want to do all this despite my nerves, despite my head telling me it's not such a good idea.

I don't know how I'll react if I find out that he was indeed, mindf*cking me. I think maybe a mix of disappointment and relief.

Wishes Come True

Master read my last blog entry and an e-mail I'd written him on Friday and apparently, took it to heart.

Yesterday afternoon he used me. In the beginning I was present, thinking, turned-on. He came into the bedroom, fresh from the shower, took the book I'd been reading from me and using a fistfull of my hair as a handle, forced my face into his groin.

A wave of electricity crackled through me from my head to my toes and it centered between my legs as he forced his, now erect, cock down my throat. There was much throat f*cking as he slapped my breasts and pinched my nipples so hard I thought he'd rip them off for sure.

He didn't say much to me but that if I couldn't finish him with my mouth, I had another orifice he'd use. I gave what I thought was a valiant effort. I only stopped to clear my throat and sinuses of the saliva that had gathered and made it difficult to breathe or swallow. I was lying on the bed with my head hanging off the edge, in essence, my head was upside down so he could use my mouth more effectively. Eventually he tired of this and that's when things changed.

He ordered me onto my hands and knees on the bed and began talking about how he'd use my bottom instead. I shook, I was afraid because I knew I was unable to take him there. A few tears filled my eyes as he tossed my Pocket Rocket on the bed next to me while commenting that I might need to use it while he used my bottom. At this point rational thought was quickly abandoning me. I didn't move, I didn't take the PR, I didn't even think of using it.

He lubed me up well and slipped a condom on. Then he began the attempt to take me from behind. I tried to hold still, to remain on hands and knees as ordered but my body had other ideas. Each time he began to press into me, I moved forward. And with every attempt I lost more control over myself. I was sobbing into his pillow and begging him to stop. I wasn't thinking, the me that is writing here now was somewhere else, on vacation probably. What was left was the feral, unthinking me, the soft me that wants only to please and feels absolutely wretched when she fails.

I'm not sure why I was crying, the pain wasn't as bad as all that, he hadn't ever gotten more than the head inside. The lubing up hurt more because he used two fingers and was a little rough with them. I just felt utterly broken down, open, at his mercy.

After a couple more attempts he stopped and sat down next to me on the bed, he had me curl up next to him and he began to soothe me and bring me back to myself. It took a good while for me to calm down. I think he was worried that I'd gone into a bad headspace, it's happened once before. The truth is, I was fine, just in that headspace that I go to when he uses me like that.

He soothed me, I calmed down, and we talked. He told me the reason he doesn't use me like that often is because it takes a lot of energy for him to go blank and let the sadist out in that way. I hadn't known. It made me appreciate him and what he'd done even more. I needed that, I needed to be empty of thought, to do nothing more than feel. I wonder if he needed it too.

Being Used

Being used has got to be one of my biggest turn ons. I don't mean the usual he takes his pleasure from me and then drifts off to sleep either.

I like it when he goes all cold and hard, like granite. His eyes are even sharp, brittle...none of the usual warmth. His tone of voice is edged, hard, no emotion. His touches are even hard, his hands feeling like iron in my hair or wrapped around my throat. And the words he says, O the words. Harsh, cruel, guttural comments meant to break me down. It isn't long before I do break and the tears well up in my eyes while, simultaneously, my juices flow below.

This is the only time I actually feel a spark of fear. It's at this time that I feel he truly could kill me and not feel a bit of remorse and it turns me on. Using my body I beg him to go as far as he is able with it. I offer myself up to him as wholly as I am able.

I've been thinking about, craving, being used by him like this again. I can't seem to get it out of my mind today. I'm trying, goodness knows I have loads of things to do, but I can't stop thinking and shivering at the images playing out in my mind. There's a throbbing warmth between my legs that just can't be ignored.

I sent him an e-mail telling him that I was thinking of him and what I was thinking. I wonder what his reaction tonight will be when he reads it. I'll likely be sitting nearby watching, waiting, hoping.

I can't explain why it turns me on so, it just does and I've had the best orgasms of my life during such use. I do like being pushed to a point where I can do nothing but react, I like being reduced to an unthinking state, to only feeling and reacting. I'm left limp and wrung out afterwards and eager for the cuddling and stroking that often happens. I think we both need it after such an intense experience.

It's been such a long, long, time since he's done that, used me in that way. I wonder why.

Possible Relief

I got a bit of good news/hope in my business inbox last night. I've been invited for an interview next week for a job I'd applied for.

I was absolutely giddy after I read the e-mail. A shout of "YEAH!" slipped out before I caught myself. I don't usually shout out like that but, well, one little shout is OK. I looked sheepishly at Master after doing it, not that he'd mind, and said "I got an interview!" He looked as relieved as I felt.

If I can manage to get the job it will make things MUCH easier. Initially it will be rough, the first two weeks are spent in training from 3 p.m. to 11 p.m. M-F. After that I can opt to work 3-7 p.m. which would be more ideal. I'd be able to be here during the day and again in the evening and still bring in some money.

I'm a bit worried about the training period. I know I'm going to hurt, probably a lot. I hate pain that isn't the fun kind, the kind that will stop when Master's had enough. It became my existence not so long ago, it consumed my life and took a lot of the joy out of it. So yeah, I'm scared of that happening again but the need for $$ far outweighs those fears, for now.

Watch this spot, I'm supposed to interview Tuesday afternoon and I'm sure I'll have something to say afterwards. *chuckles*

Right now I'm just happy that they're giving me a chance, that I've got a chance to give Master some stress relief. That feels really good.

Busy Holiday Weekend

Our weekend was a busy, hectic, emotionally draining one. We managed to catch three fireworks shows. *grins* There was one downtown, one at the mall near us, and one in our suburb. HRS got to see all three with us, Zboy chose to not go at all, and Little Miss Raincloud saw the show in our suburb with us. I got a bit choked up during the visit to the mall, before the fireworks there was a piano concert. As part of the concert they played and sang the national anthem and everyone present stood and turned to the flag. I'm not particularly patriotic but I do love my country, I just don't like the government.

I think this weekend both Master and myself hit our limit with stress and everything came to a head. This is a Good Thing™. We finally communicated with each other and I found out why I was feeling so disconnected from him as a wife and as a slave.

Master has been working anywhere between 48-60 hours a week to make ends meet with a little left over for enjoyment. He has combined work and home stress, it's a wonder the man hasn't spontaneously combusted. I think the fact that he hasn't is a tribute to his amazing willpower.

I still haven't been able to find a temp part-time job which has left me feeling useless. I've been stressing over all the bills and feeling guilty because of being short on money. Friday I snapped and really lost my mind, saying things that I didn't mean and in general, acting like a total git. Saturday Little Miss Raincloud came home for a month (she'd been spending the summer with a friend whom she plans on living with in a few months). LMR and Master had a bit of a falling out Saturday evening and the rest of the weekend with her was tense because LMR holds grudges, much like her mother. *wry grins*

Everything finally came to a head Monday, I spent most of it in a depressed funk crying. Master sent me an e-mail, we hadn't been able to communicate verbally without misunderstandings. After reading his e-mail the floodgates crashed open, I sent him a return e-mail and was as honest and transparent as I knew how to be. It wasn't easy, I didn't want to burden him with my worries. Sometimes I forget that we're in this together and if we work together, the burdens aren't as heavy.

After he'd read my e-mail, we talked and apologized to each other. Yesterday things felt normal. Better than normal in fact. In opening up to him I found that connection I thought I'd lost. Truth is, I didn't lose it, there was merely a blockage because I wasn't open with him. Much like a garden hose, if there's a blockage things don't flow smoothly.

I think he and I both learned some good lessons this weekend and I believe it's brought us closer together.

Today, life is good. I'm getting caught up on chores I'd let slide during my funk and reading things that are slavery affirming yet make me think. I'm feeling a little less burned out than I had been feeling and that's something to celebrate. ;-)

She's Lost Her Mind

I'm sure Master thought I'd lost my mind yesterday when I snapped. It was a totally unconscious thing for me, it just happened. I was doing our checkbook and found that we're $22 short. I wasn't expecting it and from the online statement it looked as if he'd made a withdrawl that he hadn't told me about.

In my defense, I've been under a lot of stress regarding money and feeling downright useless in terms of helping to alleviate some of the money issues. This isn't an excuse or a justification for my behavior. I shouldn't have reacted the way I did, I stepped outside of myself mentally and just watched the exchange knowing it was ridiculous but being helpless to stop it.

My snapping led to Master snapping and we ended up having a pretty nasty fight with lots of hurtful things being said. After our anger was spent we came back to ourselves and realized just how silly it all was. It's really silly to argue over $22, y'know?

We apologized and made up and the rest of the evening was pretty nice. Though I was a little controlling, trying to direct Master's driving. I've got to learn to let go. One of these days it will sink in.

Yesterday's fight seemed to fit right in with all the disjointed feelings I've been having. I've been feeling less connected to Master than usual and that usually results in me floating on up to a Top space where I'm unbearable and bossy. I think, what I need, is a tighter leash. Or maybe I just need a good solid kick in the butt.

It's really hard to find a balance between his slave and the kids' mom. Especially when I'm the kids' mom all day long and I *have* to live in that Top space for so many hours. I've never been very good about finding balance, too much all or nothing thinking going on.

My submission isn't the only thing that seems to be out of control these days, I've lost control over my eating too. Or maybe it'd be more appropriate to say I've given up control? I know what I'm doing when I buy the junk food, I know I shouldn't. Still, I do it. It's the same with the fight yesterday. I knew I shouldn't behave that way but I didn't stop myself.

I need to feel controlled and in control again but I don't know where to start. I don't know what will or won't help and I'm worried that Master doesn't know either.

All I do know is that I'm committed to him and to this relationship and there's got to be a way to make it all work.