The Plan

This is my weight loss/getting fit plan. I think it's realistic but only time will tell if it's really doable. I've got just a wee bit of weight to lose so it's entirely possible that it will take me all of 2006 and part of 2007. But, until I get started I really don't know anything for certain.

You'll see that I've included some checks and balances that will help to keep me accountable, not only to myself but to Master. If I were only accountable to myself I'd give myself too many "freebies" and I'd get nowhere. I'm not the best taskmaster for myself. lol

So, without further gilding the lily (I love that phrase) here is my plan and you'll soon see why I called it the Anal Retentive Approach to Weight Loss. *grins*


Joy’s Short Term Weight Loss Goals

Lose 10 lbs by March 1, 2006

Steps to achieve this goal

1. Do Pilates at least 20 minutes per day 3 times per week.
2. Reduce sweets intake to once a week or less.
3. Reduce portion sizes by half or more depending on the dish.
4. Eat healthy snacks between meals to reduce hunger pangs and control cravings.
5. Drink at least 3 8oz. glasses of water per day.
6. Include at least two servings of dairy in my diet daily.
7. Make a daily “To Do” list that includes the day’s exercise which must be checked off before leaving the house for work, etc. Lists must be shown to The Boss each day. NO CHEATING.
8. Weigh-in/measure once a week and record it.

Lose 10 lbs by May 1, 2006

Steps to achieve this goal

1. Begin Walk Away The Pounds DVD program at least 20 minutes per day 3 times per week.
2. Continue Pilates at least 20 minutes per day 2-3 times per week.
3. Continue with healthy eating habits.
4. Increase water intake by 1-2 8oz glasses per day.
5. Continue to make daily “To Do” lists that contain the day’s exercise to be checked off before leaving for work, etc. List must be shown to The Boss each day.
6. Continue with weekly weigh-in/measurement report once a week.

Lose 10 lbs by July 1, 2006

Steps to achieve this goal

1. Begin Tribal Fusion Belly Dance DVD program at least 20 minutes per day 2-3 times per week. Possibly alternating belly dance and walking from week to week.
2. Continue Pilates at least 20 minutes per day 2-3 times per week.
3. Continue Walk Away The Pounds program at least 20 minutes per day 2-3 times per week.
4. Increase water intake by 1-2 8oz. glasses per day.
5. Continue with healthy eating habits.
6. Continue writing daily “To Do” lists including the day’s exercise to be checked off before leaving for work, etc. List must be shown to The Boss each day.


Joy’s Long Term Weight Loss Goals

Lose 60 lbs by January 1, 2007

Steps to achieve this goal

1. Begin exercise-Pilates-by January 3, 2006 and continue to do it at least 20 minutes per day 3 times per week.
2. Reduce portion sizes by half and reduce sweets intake to once a week or less.
3. Increase water intake to 3 8oz glasses per day, working up to 8, 8 oz. glasses per day.
4. By March 1, 2006 include Walk Away The Pounds program in exercise regimen. 20 minutes per day 2-3 times per week. Continue Pilates.
5. By March 1, 2006 increase water intake by 1-2 8oz. glasses per day and continue healthy eating habits.
6. By May 1, 2006 include Tribal Fusion Belly Dance program as part of exercise regimen-continuing Pilates and Walk Away The Pounds.
7. Continue healthy eating habits and increase water intake by 1-2 8oz. glasses per day.
8. Continue writing daily “To Do” lists including the day’s exercise to be checked off before leaving for work, etc. Lists must be shown to The Boss daily. NO CHEATING.
9. Increase duration and intensity of exercise as tolerated and as needed to continue steady weight loss improved physical fitness.

The Anal Retentive Approach to Weight Loss

You know, the more I read the title the more I think it should be made into a joke of some sort. It just sounds like it's going to be funny doesn't it?

But alas, in this case it isn't a funny. It's my "new and improved" approach to getting healthy. I had some small success last year, though I've gained a good portion of the weight I'd lost back. I proved to myself that I can lose weight. So I'm not feeling too daunted by the enormity of this task. I've broken it down into small, manageable, two-month chunks with steps to achieve that particular goal, with Master helping to keep me accountable. I think that part of my failure last year was that I didn't have a concrete plan and not enough accountability.

You see, I had a bit of an epiphany last night. Maybe that's not the right word for it, I was hit with the cosmic 2x4, yeah that's about right. I realized last night that it's more than likely that I'm heading into pre-menopause and have been for the past year. I'll get more information about that from the doc in late January. At any rate, when a woman goes into full menopause it brings a few health issues of its own in addition to greater difficulty losing weight. I decided that I don't want to go into menopause at my current weight; I'm convinced that if I do I'll be this size forever. I'm not ready to accept that as my reality.

I'm not ready to spend the rest of my life as unhealthy as I am. I want to be healthier, I want to feel good more often than I do. I know that exercise is the key to this. (Yes Master, you were right.) I know that exercise will improve my back pain. I also know I'm a lazy wench and I need a LOT of accountability. I've messaged m'Lady about jumping on my Get Fit bandwagon with visions of weekly reports to each other for added accountability and support. I tried a submissives only weight loss support group last year and while that was some help, I just didn't connect there the way I'd hoped and so it was easy to not keep up with it.

I'm scared that I'll start off strong and then gradually lose motivation as the year progresses like I did last year. I'd lost about 15 pounds when I started slacking off last year. My Yahoo weight progress chart stares at me accusingly every time I go to My Yahoo page. I haven't cleared it out. I know Master has a hard time staying focused and motivated too and I'm counting on him as my support so I'm scared that we'll let each other down in this endeavor.

I don't know if I'll post much here about it, I'm sure there'll be the occasional post about my struggles and frustrations. I'm sure too that there'll be some rantings as I detox from sugar. Yes, sugar is addictive, I had physical proof last year when I gave it up. When I'd been about two weeks without sugar I no longer craved sweets and they didn't sound appealing when offered. Then for no reason other than "we deserve this sweet as a treat", we'd have a sugary treat and I'd begin craving sweets all over again after just one serving of sweets.

Right now I'm planning. I have written out short-term goals with steps to achieve them and long-term goals with steps to achieve those too. I've got a lot of new behaviors to learn and I've decided that doing it slowly will be best 'else I'll get gung-ho and will end up quitting before I've barely begun. I have the tools and I'm gathering the support, now do I have the fortitude to see this through? It's so much easier to just relax and eat what and when I want.

Integration

A post on our local group's e-mail list about ageplay got me to thinking about my own interest in ageplay and the seeming lack of it in the past year or so. I'm also reminded of something M said early on in my ageplay explorations, he said that he didn't understand why I compartmentalized it. If he wants to act like a child and jump in a pile of leaves he does. He doesn't set aside time to do so.

During those early explorations if I was going to let my inner kid out we set time aside for it because it was very disconcerting for me to have to "grow up" in a matter of minutes. If my IK (inner kid) was out she was out and I refused to access the rest of me. In that way I compartmentalized it, it was something I did not something I was, even though I often did things my IK likes and watched Disney movies just 'cause even when my IK wasn't being let out.

These days we don't set aside time to do ageplay, he has simply become my Daddy, among other things. I feel integrated, my IK is part of who I am, if I feel like being silly I do so, if I feel like watching a Disney movie, I do. He knows I love Disney movies and often, even if he doesn't like the particular movie I want to watch, he'll let me watch them. I don't have to set aside time to let my IK out, he doesn't have to set aside time to be my Daddy. We just are, Daddy and his lil girl, along with being Master and slave, husband and wife, man and woman.

These things are all facets of who we are.

In the early days I set my submission aside too, it was something I had to put on and take off due to circumstances. Pretty soon it became apparent that it wouldn't work like that forever. It's funny how that happens for me, eventually things I thought were things I did became things I was/am.

I realized last night that it'd been a while since I'd posted here. I lay there in bed thinking about the service I'd just performed for Master and decided perhaps I should put those thoughts in print.

At first I was reluctant to perform any sexual service, I wasn't in the mood. During the week my libido peeks in the afternoon and then goes into hibernation during and after work. So, when Master stripped and got into bed I began to dread having to finally go to him. I just wanted to curl up in bed with my new book and relax. I actually tried to put it off and hoped he'd get tired of waiting for me. I know, bad slave.

Eventually I got my head in the right place and began stroking his cock soft and slow just the way he likes it. Once he was erect I began to get into it myself. I thrilled in the feel of his cock in my hand, it feels like iron wrapped in warm velvet. I felt awed to be holding his cock, it seems so powerful to me, so forceful, and demanding. I love it.

I delighted in his soft gasps and the way his entire body tensed up in anticipation of orgasm. A tingling began between my legs when he said "Swallow me". By the time I'd finished I was raring to go. In the past I'd have pouted and been upset because he "teased" me and left me "hanging". But last night, none of that, I was just happy to have made him feel good. It's weird the way my brain works sometimes.

I just wish I could change my reaction to performing sexual service when I'm not in the mood. At times like that I momentarily forget that it isn't about me. I'd like to feel that happy-to-please-him goodness before and after but for now I'll settle for being able to hold my tongue and not express my lack of desire.

Christmas Party and The Beast

Over the weekend Master and I went to a Christmas dinner/gift exchange/play party. It was great fun, the food was wonderful (and plentiful) as was the company. The gift exchange was fun, I got to watch someone really enjoy one of the gifts we'd brought. I love giving gifts, I really like seeing someone else enjoy something I've given them. It just makes me all warm and fuzzy inside.

Then it came time to play and play we did. I got in a little trouble for asking him if I should remove my panties along with everything else. I know that's what he wants but I keep hoping he'll allow me that small bit of modesty. Silly girl.

I watched him pick out a few toys as I undressed and knew I'd be in for more than just a good sound beating. He'd pulled out that despicable Wartenburg wheel. Still, I was game and got into the spirit of it all. I know he enjoys getting reactions so I give them to him whenever he "requests" them. Even if it's only a low growl in the back of my throat, I'm reacting. But the Wartenburg wheel makes me dance, makes me giggle, scream, kick, and want to take it away from him. He gets a lot of enjoyment out of that one little toy. It simply wears me out because I simply cannot remain passive and take it stoically. As soon as it comes out and I hear the wheel being turned (he does this to torture me I'm sure) I begin to wiggle and my mind switches to fight or flight mode. I can honestly say, I've never been so relieved as when he finally put the wheel away.

I can't recall the sequence of events, even if I sit down to write about it right after it happens it all sort of runs together in my memory. The one thing that really stands out in my mind is when he brought out the canes. I wasn't ready for the sting (am I ever?) and I began to get a bit angry and fought back. Of course this just pushed all of his buttons and called his predatory instincts into play. This is what I call playing with The Beast. I know it's going to push his buttons if I fight back but I do it anyway, I like it when he goes feral. That's when my buttons get pushed and I go into a very deep primal space. Unfortunately that didn't happen Saturday night. He took me well in hand and caned me into submission. When he'd finished I was (happily) in tears. I felt languid afterwards and didn't want to move so he just released my hands and leaned against the equipment we'd been using while I came back to myself enough to move.

Despite enjoying playing with The Beast I'm always happy when Master comes back and cuddles me afterwards. I don't think I could live with The Beast.

Obedience

From Kindlings
Do you find obedience to be easy for you?

The short answer would be yes, and no. I think a lot of this depends on what one would consider to be obedience. Is doing what you're told while making smartarsed remarks obedience?

I am a smartalec, I can't seem to stop the snappy comments that pop into my head and often fall out of my mouth before I can even think about them. BUT, that's part of how Master and I relate to one another, always have. We tease and taunt each other, often making witty jabs at one another and giggling afterwards.

I have rebellious thoughts and sometimes voice them while I'm doing what was requested. The kid in me would like to argue that that is obedience, I'm doing what I'm told right? If Master were more strict with me then perhaps it wouldn't be.

I guess obedience doesn't come easily to me. But I do try.

Tug of War

Some days I feel like I'm in the middle of a tug of war. On one side is Master and the other is our nearly grown son. As he's gotten older (ZBoy) he's challenged Master's authority more and more, mine as well. He's at a point now where he believes he can tell us how things are going to be and when we put the proverbial foot down, he explodes in a childish wrath and spits venom and fury at us.

Last night was another such occasion, I was at work when it happened. This time ZBoy dragged me right into the center of it by accusing his father of abusing me. I never thought in a million years that I would be accused of being abused in any shape or form. The only basis for his accusation? His father has the last word in all things. Sometimes I just want to shake ZBoy and explain just what abuse is. I've never been so NOT abused in my life.

We've tried to explain to ZBoy that we live the way we do because it makes us happy but he either can't or chooses not to see it. Maybe he doesn't remember the bitter arguments his father and I once had. Maybe he doesn't remember how miserable we both were, how unhappy. Doesn't he see now the way we constantly touch each other? Doesn't he hear the endearments we say to each other? If he doesn't see any of that, doesn't he at least see that I'm happier than I've ever been?

I'm really troubled by ZBoy's belief that I'm abused. He's never witnessed anything overt, I thought we'd been careful to keep things under wraps. Yes, I serve him his food and drinks and yes, he has the last word. But that's all the kids have ever seen. They've never seen him punish me, never seen our SM play, never seen the resulting marks either. All they have seen is me serving him and deferring to him in decisions.

I guess I'd blame our culture, if blame is to be laid, that states if a woman chooses to give up control to a man then she's obviously downtrodden and abused in some way because, after all, women are equal to men and don't have to do that anymore. Of course this could send me off on a tangent about the problems modern feminism has caused but I'll leave that for another day.

I don't know what to do about this son of ours, but I'm uncomfortable knowing he believes I'm abused. I've tried to explain, many times, but he won't listen. Sometimes I'd just like to take a vacation and leave them to sort it out for themselves.

Post-Party Ramblings

So here I am, a couple days after the party, realizing that I was silly to worry as much as I did. We went to the party and we had a good time and no one there looked like a super model. I can be so silly sometimes. Lucky for me Master is so understanding eh? *grins*

I'm told there was a girl there who was checking me out when we arrived. I disappointed her though when I proclaimed my hetness. That's not exactly accurate but how do you explain to a group of people, some of them strangers, that your bisexuality is extremely situational and almost totally related to the person you're attracted to? I have a specific "type" of person I'm attracted to and it doesn't matter if that person is male or female. But how to explain to a room full of women that none of them turns you on without being offensive about it? I found it much easier to declare heterosexuality though I did obtain Master's permission to do so.

I'm thankful that our host introduced us as non-swingers because we most certainly are, but also because it eliminated the need to turn any interested parties down. I'm 30-something and I still don't know how to tell someone I'm not interested in them without possibly hurting their feelings. I'm nothing if not blunt. I remember when we were still getting to know J, he asked to demonstrate something on me and grabbed a fist-full of my hair and expected me to respond by softening and relaxing into his grip instead, I laughed at him; full-throated and hearty.

I have to say, it was a little strange watching other people have sex, arousing but strange. We didn't participate in any sexual activities; Master didn't want to. Although we did have a very good SM session in which He and m'Lady tore my backside up. Not literally, but they did leave some nice reminders that I'll likely have for the next week or so. They get so intense when they play together like that and my oh my do I love being the focus for their attentions. I was reluctant to strip but once I did I was fine until I came back to myself after the scene. Being nude is to be vulnerable and I just don't like to be that vulnerable around so many people.

Apparently it was good to watch, we had everyone gathered to watch us in silence. I think I remember hearing a gasp or two when He punched my back or maybe it was when the whips came out, I don't remember for certain. Most of the time my attention was focused on breathing through the sensations. They took me through a broad range of emotions, everything from amusement and laughter to defiance, fear, and finally, tears. At the end, when it seemed like they were soothing me and bringing the session to an end, Master wrapped an arm over my shoulder and chest and began to paddle my butt with the evil rubber paddle. I fought and tried to get away while simultaneously trying to stay and take it. Eventually I sunk teeth into his arm and found a bit of solace that way. For some reason it soothed me to have his flesh between my teeth, perhaps I released some of the pain that way, I don't know. I guess I was biting pretty hard, he was afraid I'd break the skin but I didn't.

It didn't take long for him to break me down and wrench the last of my internal control from me. There's a certain sound I make when I'm breaking down and I'm sure that's the sound he listens for when he's of a mind to take me down like that.

Afterward was nice, we cuddled for a while though I had a hard time staying in that soft "afterglow" frame of mind while being surrounded by strangers. I came back to myself a lot more quickly than I usually do. Within minutes I was ready to get up, get dressed, and clean up the toys and space. But it had all been done by m'Lady, she's wonderful that way, and He just wanted me to lie there with him a while.

A while later I got to watch as Master, J, and m'Lady played with a man there who wanted some SM time. It was great to watch and the man had a wonderful sense of humor so the session was rather lively and had the lot of us laughing.

Later still Master, myself, m'Lady, and her boy were all sort of snuggling on an inflatable mattress and it was nice. It felt comfortable and I didn't want it to end but end it did. Eventually we had to return to our respective homes because it was late and there was still some private sex to be had.

All in all I had a good time and got to meet some pretty nice people and reconnect with the tribe. I don't know if we'll go to another party like that again but my fear of them is gone.

Lil' Fun

The lil' girl inside me doesn't get out much to play but today I followed a link on danae's blog and well, I played and it was FUN! Some days it's good to be silly, let's not forget that. Master will probably look at this entry and roll his eyes while saying "Oooh sparkley things". He's forever teasing me about being easily distracted by sparkley things. In my own defense, it's the lil' girl inside me, she loves the sparkleys. *g*

Re-visiting Insecurities

Today I'm fretting about a party Master and I have been invited to. One that will include sex and SM but it isn't sure that we'll be participating in the sex.

It may seem silly, I've been naked in public plenty of times and have even had semi-public sex a few times too. But when faced with a somewhat new situation I find myself balking at the prospect of being naked and possibly having sex in "public".

This really isn't new, in the past couple of years I've noticed myself being reticent to strip down at play parties. I wait for Master to tell me to do so. Part of it is feeling more private about the things I do with Master. But, I'm also feeling more body shy, self-conscious about my shape.

I know Master finds my body pleasing and that should be the end of it, most of the time it is. But sometimes, sometimes I worry that someone may be repulsed by my body and worse, that they might say so. I'm also afraid of being rejected even though I'm really not that interested in other partners, strange I know.

So, the prospect of this party is nerve wracking for me. I know there will be women there who are more desirable than me and I worry that I'll be passed over in favor of them. It's silly, honestly it is. But I can't seem to shake it this insecurity. I've expressed some of this to Master and I'm trying to give it over to him to worry about. It's up to him whether or not I participate in sex with others and if no one expresses interest it shouldn't be a concern for me.

I guess it's my vanity or my pride pricking at me, I'm just vain and proud enough to want to be found desirable by others.

I think I'm being too self-centered because I'm concerned that I might get some interest and won't enjoy myself, won't get turned on, by the people I'm having sex with. I'm pretty picky and like my sex rough, it's been my experience that most people don't like it as rough as I do. This is one of the areas where my individuality clashes with my slavery. If Master wants me to have sex with someone (always safer sex) then I bow to his will, I may very well not enjoy it but to be sure, he will.

I worry too that my expressing my concerns and worries might be seen as trying to top from the bottom. I don't want to influence his decisions or detract from his pleasure. Sometimes it feels like I'm balancing on a razor edge between too much expression and not sharing at all and never knowing if it's too much of one or the other. In the past I have expressed myself badly and came across as trying to assert my wants and needs ahead of his.

I want to go to the party, I want to spend time with our friends, I want to have some unfettered SM play with Master and yeah, it might be fun to watch others while Master and I have sex. Beyond that, I'm unsure. All these what ifs and worries are sucking the fun out of the anticipation.

Fantasies

There was lots of fantasy fodder at the mall today. Pretty young men with pretty eyes just begging to be taken and used. One with wild two-toned hair and piercing blue eyes and a lithe body that would look beautiful writhing in my bed. The other with soft brown curls and soft brown eyes to match, curls that begged to have fingers run through them. He thought he was clever that one, "special offer, just for you." I'll show him a special offer... my teeth buried in his flesh, his screams feeding my beast.

Yes, there's a sad truth, this slave is also a sadist. *wry smiles* Every now and then I need to feed the beast and let it play just a little. It's all about balance and if I don't feed those needs I get all out of whack.

So, today, I find myself fantasizing about the two I met at the mall today. One very daring young man, making bold eye contact and smiling ever so confidently, the other pretending to be shy; peeking out beneath is curly locks. Certain people call to my beast, tease it into wanting to play...there's a scent or an aura about them one that just screams 'prey'.

I could pretty this up but that wouldn't be the truth would it?

Frustrated

There are many levels of frustration and I'm feeling a few of them.

There is educational frustration, registration opens before the posted date and you find out the day after and by then the one class you *have* to have is full.
Then there is sexual frustration, you're not particularly horny until you give your owner an orgasm and his enjoyment of it gets you so excited that every time you think about it you get a twinge down below but it's all moot because it's *that* time of the month.
Finally there is what I like to call physical ailment frustration, it's when you hurt and you've exhausted your pain medication allotment or can't take the one that will work until at least 9 hours later.

Really, though, my attitude is good. Surprisingly. It's been a good day so far. I've been productive and have further productivity yet to achieve. I have cookies to bake for the potluck at work tomorrow. Right now I'm tutoring my sister in the proper way to write a cover letter. Who knew my education would benefit her? *grins*

Yes Dear

I wonder what you hear, when I say "Yes Dear". Do you hear the acceptance of orders that are about to be carried out? The respect for those orders? Sometimes the exasperation that comes from just plain old irritation?

I don't say "Yes Sir" or "Yes Master", but that's what I mean when I say "Yes Dear". I hear you, I understand you, and I'm just about to carry out those orders and by the way, thanks for letting me do it.

Two little words that carry so much meaning, I wonder if you hear all that or if you just hear "Yes Dear".

A MeMe for Jewels

I said I'd get this out last night and I didn't. I've been loathe to spend more than a couple of minutes at the computer for the last few days. I'm getting burned out I think and in need of a bit of a rest, a disconnect. Anyway, without further adieu...

Three things you like about yourself: playfulness, compassion, empathy
Three things you don't like about yourself: elemental, mercurial, my inability to completely control my eating.
Three things that scare you: being abandoned, heights, flying
Three of your everyday essentials: Coke Zero, Master, and a good book
Three things you are wearing right now: jeans, bra, socks
Three of your favorite songs: Sleep (Melissa Etheridge), Angel (Sarah McLaughlin), and Feels Like Home (Chantal Kreviazuk)
Three things you want in a relationship: love, honesty, laughter
Three things that turn you on: inner strength, having my neck bitten, and good erotica
Three things that turn you off: poor hygiene, deliberate ignorance, and arrogance
Two truths and a lie: I'm still a bit insecure, I love coloring in coloring books, and I'm a blonde.
Three things you can't live without: chocolate, good books, and Master
Three places you want to go on vacation:Ireland, Italy, and Yosemite National Park
Three things you just can't do: Cartwheels, draw well, lie (ask Master, I'm a terrible liar)
Three kids names: Johnny, Bobby, and Sally.
Three things you want to do before you die: Travel to the places I want to see, sing for an audience, and have a bald cat for a pet.
Three of your favorite musicians: Evanescence, Loreena McKennitt, Sting
Three physical things about the opposite sex that appeals to you: Strong hands, large forearms, stocky build.
Three of your favorite hobbies: Reading, writing (erotica, essays, blogging, etc.), watching movies.
Three things you really want to do badly right now: Watch a good movie, not go to work, and wake Master up from his nap.
Three careers you're considering/you've considered: Professional singer, Transcriptionist, Legal Assistant.
Three ways that you are stereotypically a boy: Bawdy sense of humor, much more comfy in jeans and a t-shirt, I belch outloud at home.
Three ways that you are stereotypically a girl: Too emotional, love to wear make up, won't go out for special occasions unless I can get dolled up.

Three people that I would like to see post this meme:
Mija, MzRiz, and Elle if she still reads me. :-)

Playing Dress Up

This past weekend Master and I were set to go to a costume/dungeon party. We didn't go. Instead we stayed home and played dress up in private.

Neither of us were sure we'd enjoy it but we went ahead and did it anyway. I took great care with my make-up, making it as perfect as I could. I have to say, doing geisha make-up isn't as simple as it may seem. It would have been simpler with a better foundation; live and learn. Once I was finished I peeked out the bedroom door and called to him, asking him to bring the camera up with him. I quickly arranged myself on the bed kneeling with palms on my thighs. I wanted it to be perfect for him. He smiled when he came into the room and snapped a couple of pictures of me for posterity.

Soon the camera was forgotten as he removed my robe and ordered me into position for a caning. I don't know where my mind was but it certainly wasn't ready for pain. The canes just hurt. He had me change position and caned me some more, then spanked me a couple of times. Noting the noise he decided that we needed a sound dampener. Downstairs he went for his leather gloves while I lay there waiting for him. Once he returned and he slipped those gloves on, he seemed to turn a bit feral. He spanked hard, pinching and squeezing my flesh between his fingers in between strikes. Tiring of spanking he switched to punching and and pounded the flesh of my back, buttocks, and thighs. I was sure I'd not be able to take it but take it I did and enjoyed it to boot.

Things turned sexual soon after that and decidedly more intense. He did something Saturday night that he's never done before and my reaction to it really flustered me. I wanted so much to please him and I tried, I honestly tried but couldn't do what he'd asked of me. He gave me an out and I took it. He wasn't disappointed in me though, as far as I could tell. He seemed pleased that I'd given it my best effort and that I did as much as I had. The entire experience left me shaking for a bit from the intensity of it all and the utter objectification I'd felt. I think I liked it, I know he did and I'm sure he'll be repeating the scenario again in the future with the expectation that I complete it. I'll be his urinal when he's finished with me.

The rest of the weekend we spent together and even managed to get the place entirely to ourselves Sunday night, a situation we promptly took advantage of. *g*

Happy Anniversary!

Happy Anniversary to Loki and jewels! May you have many, many more.

Long Time No Type

I realized today that it's been a while since I've written anything and decided I ought to remedy that situation.

There really isn't a lot that's been going. Well, there has been the usual busyness of daily life. HRS jarred every muscle in her back at 3 a.m. Monday morning during a freefall from the top rungs of her bunk bed ladder to the floor with a short landing against an open closet door on the way down. She's OK, the doc assures us that nothing is seriously injured, she's just going to be sore for a while.

I've been working on being a good student and getting my assignments done.

I took some time today and forced myself to begin an exercise program. I've been putting it off for ages. Always too busy, too tired, too sore, etc. Today I decided that I've *got* to take care of myself. So, I popped the Walk Away the Pounds DVD (that LMR made for me months ago) into the DVD rom in the computer and started walking. I wanted to quit when my muscles started protesting but I kept going. I did it until my back started aching a little and then I let myself stop. It was only 15 minutes today, tomorrow I'm shooting for 20. Every minute I exercise is progress and a step toward a healthier me. I need to come back and re-read this tomorrow when I'm once again finding excuses to not exercise.

On the M/s front things have improved, I think. Master has been asserting himself more and I think I've softened quite a bit. I feel more balanced and like all is right with the world. Last night I was tired, I wanted to read my book and go to sleep. Master wanted an orgasm and instead of arguing I got into position and proceeded to take care of business. You know how when you get all snuggled into bed and it just feels SO good and SO comfy? That's how I felt lying there stroking Master's cock. I wasn't going to get any attention other than his hand absently stroking and cupping my behind but it just didn't matter. I was happy to be taking care of him. THAT feeling is what I'd been missing for so long. Contentment.

Master took pity on his pouty little girl last night and let me watch the Disney channel original Halloween movie, Twitches. I've been wanting to see it but I've either been at work or Master won't watch it because he really doesn't like that sort of thing. Every year I love to watch the Disney channel Halloween movies, it's all part of the season for me, but this year I haven't really been able to because I've been at work OR they're on, on the weekends when Master is home. So, I was a happy little girl last night sitting on the couch in my jammies after work and watching Twitches. Yep, life is good.

There's absolutely no news, other than what ZBoy hears through the grapevine, about LMR. I think about her and I worry but it's not all-consuming any longer. I think we're all adjusting to her absence and accepting that this is the way things are going to be.

You Never Know

They say you never know what you've got til it's gone. I disagree. I'm lucky enough to know what I have and still have it.

I found out yesterday that after our recent problems, Master was ready to throw in the towel on the whole M/s aspect of the relationship. He was frustrated and feeling defeated. As I said yesterday, you can't dominate that which won't submit. It's a lot of work to try to do so and isn't very fulfilling or rewarding. In the end you're left wondering why you even try.

This can go both ways, you can't submit to that which won't dominate either and all the trying in the world isn't going to make it so. To make these relationships work both parties have to be on the same page and working toward the same goal. There is a certain amount of personal responsibility for both parties, things we both have to do in order to make this work. He needs to be consistent and not let me get away with bad behavior but I need to exercise some self-control and not allow myself to act badly. Sure, it's easier to swear at him when I'm angry. It's MUCH easier to only be concerned about my needs and ignore his. But doing that isn't making an honest effort to make the M/s dynamic work. It isn't honoring the promises I made to him.

We talked some last night and he agrees with me that we both need to be active in our roles. I believe we'll be talking further about possible rituals that will help to reinforce our positions in our minds and will give us a further connection as Master and slave. One of the things we've discussed already is having me follow him to the bathroom when he has to urinate and licking his cock clean afterwards. We've done this in the past and it always leaves me feeling soft and open to him. I'm looking forward to feeling this way again.

I think I began to take him for granted just a little bit. He'd always be my Master no matter what. This week has really opened my eyes and made me realize just how lazy I'd gotten. I'm hoping that by journaling here I'll be able to make this stick in my memory and I won't make this same mistake again, at least not to this degree.

Today Master called me from work just to tell me he loves me. He thinks he's not, but he's really a romantic at heart and I love that about him. I'm thankful he didn't give up on me, on us, and on M/s. It can work but it does take work, just like any other relationship.

Dreaded Learning Experiences

So yesterday was awful, we got that right? It was all in my mind. There was never going to be a meeting. It was an attempt at a mindf*ck that went horribly wrong. Before anyone gets upset with Master for being an insensitive jerk, chill. Mindf*cks are one of his favorite things, he's very much into the psychological aspect of dominance and I knew this full well before accepting his collar. He's done similar things in the past and I've been perfectly okay with it. I definitely didn't react the way I did yesterday.

He had every reason to believe that I'd react the way I usually do, with a little interest and teasing him about his upcoming liaison.

I thought I'd been fully honest with him about my current emotional and mental state. Now I'm starting to wonder if I had been. Despite appearances to the contrary, he's not insensitive and takes great care to not harm me. So, I have to wonder if I haven't been giving him all the information he needs about me. That's something I need to think about and work on. Maybe I've been more closemouthed about my struggles than I realized. You can only imagine how shocked he was to see yesterday's reaction. He was upset that he'd caused me any pain.

I've whined about him not dominating me but last night I realized that I've made it next to impossible for him to do so. I've been operating in really high top space for quite some time now. There hasn't been much outward sign of that soft, submissive me.

He said something last night that is really sticking in my brain, he's had to change his thinking to adapt to me. It's true. I've been very demanding since I began work and until last night I hadn't really realized it. I've silently demanded that he back off when I'm tired. With a look I deny him sex when he says he wants it. When I deserved punishment I backed him off with a growly "I'm tired" as I crawled into bed and snugged the covers up around my shoulders.

I am SO not perfect and SO not the injured party here. So please don't cast me as such. What I am is badly behaved and way out of line.

Woulda, shoulda, coulda. There's a lot of that that could be thrown around right now but what it boils down to is the fact that I need to get back to basics.

I'm sorry Master.

Feeling

It feels like something vile is working its way up through my consciousness. Sort of like how a splinter will work its way out of your skin when it gets buried deep inside. I don't know what it is but it's sure making me cranky.

Every little thing feels like a personal slight, a personal insult, a testament to my failures. I'm extra-sensitive right now. Last night I came home from work and suddenly was in a horrible mood after having been in a good mood all night long. Frustration was eating at me. Frustration over the situation with LMR. I came home and became angry because Master didn't cook dinner the way I do, the way I like it. Selfish much? Yeah, that's me.

I did my best to swallow the angry feelings and keep them from ruining the rest of the evening. I think I was successful, only Master could say for certain.

Then this morning I watched Finding Neverland (good movie that) and ended up sobbing with great huge tears rolling down my cheeks from midway through til the end and even after. It took some time for those tears to stop. Good grief. Something is working its way out of me and I don't know what it is.

Then I get an e-mail that Master had written me, last night I think, that totally blindsided me. He'd been planning something with someone else and only just now told me about it. I felt hurt by it. I felt left out. I felt abandoned almost. He's planning to be gone Friday evening. I'll come home to the kids and no Master. He'll likely not have need of me Friday night. It makes me a little angry. Friday night is the first night of the week that we actually have all the time we want to spend together. We only get two nights a week that we have that much time. Those nights are precious to me. I guess I see things a lot differently than he does. But, it's all a moot point really. I'm his slave, he's the Master. I don't have to like that he's making plans but he has every right to make them. It's what I agreed to.

It's just not easy to sublimate the wife's reactions to what the slave agreed to.

So, I'm working through whatever it is that's working its way out of me and trying to be a good slave. If only it were as easy as it is in books. Gah!

Things Are Looking Up

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh, relief, relaxation. I feel good today. Master and I spent yesterday afternoon with the Tribe. We hadn't seen them in ages, seriously, it had been at least a month since we'd gotten together. All of our lives have been extremely busy lately.

It was wonderful to just sit and chat and laugh, that's all we did but it was certainly medicinal for my battered spirit. Near the end of our time there J commented that we looked so relaxed. I did an internal check and knew it was true. I was relaxed and boy did it feel good.

Master and I were nearly inseparable, we sat snuggled together in one chair for almost the entire time we were there. He'd absently stroke my head or the back of my neck while I just laid my head against his chest and snuggled into him.

Once we got home he had to help HRS with math homework, once he was finished we headed up to bed early. Not to sleep, oh no. Master took me up on my offer of topping him. He enjoys bottoming on occasion and I'd suggested a couple of weeks ago that it might help relax him.

We had a good time together and definitely reconnected. I was focused on making him feel good but also on giving him enough pain to cause him to struggle. I knew the activity of it would help release that pent up stress. I think my favorite part of the entire experience was sitting on the bed, him nude and me in nothing but panties and making lots of skin to skin contact. I ended up extremely turned on just kissing and nipping at his neck, ears, and shoulders while my hands stroked his neck and chest. It wasn't long before he took over and brought us both to shuddering orgasms.

He called me from work today and sounded so happy. In the beginning when I was allowed to top him I focused on what I wanted. Last night, while I did do some things that I enjoy, my focus was entirely on him. The purpose of the scene was to give him some much needed stress relief. That isn't to say that there weren't other side benefits like great sex, reconnection, and stress relief for myself. It's just that his stress relief was my focus. Making him feel good was my focus. It felt really good to be realigned.

I learned that there are some pains that just make him angry and not in a good way. I thought I was the only one that got angry about certain pains. I'm still pondering that one. I understand now why he continues to do those things that make me angry. He enjoys my struggles; he enjoys taunting the chained animal and even being mauled when the animal turns. It makes me shiver just thinking about the way he turned last night. Makes me go weak in the knees and all mushy, pudding inside.

Imagining

Things have been pretty low key around here with all the busyness and chaos we've had. In the past couple of days I've found myself fantasizing about crawling across his lap and presenting my bottom for a soft, sensual spanking. It's not really about the pain but the connection.

I've been feeling kind of disconnected from him. We each deal with stress and our emotions differently but one thing we seem to have in common is this, we turn inward only reaching out when our need is great. This isn't to say that we're not there for the other and that we don't reach out. It's just that it takes us a while. We try to work it out on our own first.

I think I'm finally at a point where I'm ready to reconnect and the way I seem to need/want to do it is through physical closeness. When he spanks me he alternates strikes with strokes of his hand across my bottom, my back, my thighs. It is such a luxurious and comforting feeling.

Sometimes I really ache to be touched, I ache for skin to skin contact. Not necessarily sexual touching either. Just touching. I love having my back stroked, it's soothing to me.

I like doing the touching too. I pet and stroke Master's chest, belly, and sometimes his back if he'll let me. His skin is extra sensitive so touching often feels like a tickle to him.

I'd love to spend a day, just he and I, naked and touching.

Remembering

I remember when I was pregnant with LMR, I knew she was the daughter I'd been waiting for. I'd picked her name when I was pregnant with her brother, ZBoy. I saw her name in a baby name book and fell in love with it. I knew I'd have a daughter and would give her that name. About two years later, I did just that.

Early in my pregnancy Alan wanted me to have an abortion. We were dirt poor, really didn't like each other, and already had one child to support. From the outside, not having more kids made a lot of sense. From where I was sitting, a very unrational place, I couldn't kill my daughter. I was a train wreck throughout my teenage years and into my early 20s. I was a train wreck when Alan met me, the more comfortable I got with him, the safer I felt with him, the more of the wreckage I allowed him to see. I'm not proud of who I was nor am I proud of some of the decisions I made. My thinking was distorted and I wasn't mentally healthy in any sense of the word.

But I'd chosen to keep LMR and he had no choice but to accept my decision, he was committed to his responsibilities.

She was LMR from birth. As a toddler she didn't see things the same way as the rest of us did. Things we thought were funny or cute she found annoying. One night in a restaurant, during a dinner with his family, she brandished a steak knife (I still don't know how or why she had one at that age) at her grandmother and said "I'm going to kill you." She was under the age of three. Around the same time at another family gathering a relative was oohing and ahhing over how cute she was and moved as if to stroke her hair and LMR pulled back and said "Don't touch me!"

But there were good times too, lying on my bed and giggling as I flew her through the air and gave her a silly superhero name. We did that a lot, she loved it. Snuggling on the couch for afternoon naps together. Finding her already awake in the mornings bouncing and smiling in her crib, lighting up the entire room with her megawatt smile when I walked into the room.

There are other good memories too, things that really spotlight her odd sense of humor, one she inherited from me. Two of her favorite cartoons now are Foamy and Mr. Salad Fingers. One of her loves is drawing and making ink dot pictures. She's truly talented.

Her JCO called me today, he collected some information from me and says he'll call me back when he knows more. There is so much good about this girl, so much good in her. I hate to see it thrown away because she's running from herself. I hate watching her make destructive choices in her life. I want to protect her. I tried to make her JCO understand my concern for her, I emphasized that I don't feel like she's safe or that she's making safe choices. I hope he takes that into consideration.

I want to stay home, close to the phone, so I know what's going on.

I want to thank everyone for the words of support and a special someone for reaching out to me. A pain shared is easier to bear than a pain felt all alone. I have faith that things will work out as they're supposed to. It's just difficult waiting for them to do so and feeling helpless against it all.

Scattered Thoughts

It's been a long few days. I alternate between being okay and having to fight back tears. I'm at a loss. I don't know how to deal with this. I don't know what to do, the parenting rule book doesn't have a section for out of control teenagers.

I checked in with HRS yesterday when we had a bit of alone time, I'm sure this turmoil is affecting her but she claims to be fine. I'll keep checking in with her, maybe eventually she'll feel comfy talking about it. ZBoy seems to be okay too. Though, he and LMR have had practically no relationship for the past four months or so due to a fight they had. Still, I know he worries about her, we all do. I did something kind for him today which made him smile.

I had a bit of a chat with LMR's school counselor today, it looks as if things aren't going to be all sunshine and roses for her because she's violated probation. I'm torn, as I'm sure Master is too. We both want to take care of her, we also want to minimize the stress on the family as a whole and keeping LMR out of trouble is one way to do that.

Unfortunately, keeping her out of trouble at this point would require lying and or not communicating with the JCO. I was informed today that this sort of behavior would likely land us, the parents, in a load of trouble ourselves. It was a friendly warning I think, just in case we might have been leaning that way to help decide us against it. The school counselor has been leaning this way herself. She worked really hard to help LMR last year, to keep her from heading in the wrong direction.

When my logical head is on I know that protecting her from herself is not the answer. It's only delaying the inevitable, her having to deal with the consequences of her actions. That's no help, she's got to mature a bit, we're not always going to be there to run interference.

She's still not home though she did call us last night to check in and to tell us she was still trying to make up her mind. I wonder if she realizes she's taken all the choices out of our hands, and hers, and put them in the hands of the JCO? *sigh*

I've noticed myself feeding my sorrow more and more often. Feel sad? Eat something. I'm trying to reign that in but it isn't easy.

Master and I did have some quality alone time over the weekend, we even tried a new (to us) restaurant for dinner. That was fun, stepping outside of our comfort zone and trying something new. I hope we can manage to do that more often, I think we both need it.

I have no idea what's going to happen with LMR, her JCO was out of the office today but I've left him messages as has her school counselor. I honestly don't know what he'll do. I do know that more community service isn't the answer. *sigh*

Parenthood Heartbreak

I wasn't going to post about this but I need to get it out of me. Last night Little Miss Raincloud decided to leave home for good. Last night I wasn't upset, last night I was firm and accepting. Master was sick with worry. Last night when I went to bed my last thoughts were a silent wish for her "Be safe".

This morning I'm sad. This morning I feel her absence. I thought I'd detached enough from her to not worry, to not feel this sadness at her absence. I guess I was wrong.

She left because we grounded her for skipping school yesterday. We were both certain that as soon as we disciplined her she'd bolt and we were right. She's got balls though, this girl. She tried getting her father to take her to her boyfriend's house, where we're pretty sure she's staying, after she got off work. Too bad for her I'd already spoken to him and told him what was going on.

I'm angry with her childish behavior. I'm angry and hurt because she'd called my cell phone while I was at work, I called her back an hour later to see what she'd needed and by then she was already gone but didn't say anything to me about being gone.

This parenting thing sucks. It's heartbreaking. I just keep hoping she's safe and that some common sense will eventually seep into her teenaged brain.

Stepping Out of Role?

Did I or didn't I? I don't know. I know I behaved badly, made a complete ass of myself is what I did.

I had planned today to be devoted to my studies, I have a lot of medical terminology stuff to get done. When Zgirl (aka Little Miss Raincloud) and Master informed me that she'd need a ride home from school in the middle of the day and then a ride to work, I came unglued. I was angry and let them both know that I was angry. I told them I'd planned the day for homework that I'd needed to get done. I was a jerk.

Later on in the evening, just around bedtime, Master and I were still talking about it. It was quite obvious from my facial expression that I was still upset. He didn't seem to understand what I thought was a serious disregard for my study needs. I told him he had no concept of what it was like to try to study and deal with all the home stuff, plus work. I thought I was making a statement of fact but in actuality, I was being cruel in the way I said it. Arms flailing through the air, emphasizing "no concept" and tone clearly disdainful and angry.

He got angry, rightfully so, and responded in kind. And of course, I took further offense. I tossed a couple more barbs and then informed him I was going to bed. I didn't ask and didn't wait for him to tell me I needed to sit down and talk. I just went to bed. And when he came to bed? I was still awake but I was still mad and feeling hurt so I feigned sleep and was soon truly asleep. I hate going to bed like that, with such tension between us. It's even worse that it was entirely my doing. I can be such a pigheaded fool sometimes.

Did I step out of my role? I don't think so, I think I was just a very badly behaved slave who forgot her place in a fit of anger and hurt feelings.

I've been stressed out with all that's going on. If it isn't Zboy in crisis it's Zgirl and if it isn't either of them it's HRS (Her Royal Shortness). And if it's none of them it's Master. It seems to be a never-ending cycle of stress and crisis and I'm at my limit. I've been saying that I need some stress relief, I need time off from school, work, and mommyhood. I need a break or I'm going to break. But through all of this, the role doesn't change, at my core I am still his slave. I'm just his slave in crisis right now.

I'd love to blame it all on hormones. Easy excuse eh?

Relating

I was going to just respond in comments to TJ but as I was typing I realized it was more of a post than a comment. *chuckles*

TJ said: "Though I am entirely too free spirited and inflexible to go into TPE with anyone, I think if you chose to do it, and be married, each TPE couple should agree to a 24hr period each month for the TPE to be called off and to just be a married couple. It gives everyone breathing room and a chance to be totally out of the norm. It helps refresh you, Him and you both learn to appreciate the TPE more each time. Over time you may not need it."

I think to an extent this can be true and can work for some folks. However, submission isn't something I am able to put on and take off at will, it's an integral part of who I am and how I relate to him. Actually, it's how I tend to relate to many "authority" figures. This fact was really brought home to me on Monday at work. My supervisor came around to the team asking each of us if we could maybe commit to come in earlier. (the new client we've just started taking calls for has a heavier call load than was expected) When she got to me I was torn. I wanted to say "Sure I can come in an hour earlier!" That submissive in me was dying to not disappoint her. It just happens to be the way I relate to dominant type people.

So, even if I weren't acting submissive to him, I'd still have all these feelings inside. I'd still be wondering, "Am I pleasing him?" I'd still be wanting to do things to please him.

In a TPE relationship, at least in this one, we can't just set aside the dynamic. It permeates every nook and cranny of our lives. It would be like trying to set aside my motherhood. I can't do it, I am a mom. Even when I'm out with friends or with Master, I'm still a mom and somewhere in the back of my mind, I'm thinking about the kids.

However, I wholeheartedly agree that we each need to do things that refresh us. Not that long ago we were doing a lot more playing and I don't mean SM. We were going out, spending time with friends, and just being adults together. That stopped when schedules and money got tighter. I think that's what folks are hearing when I'm writing. We've got a lot on our plates right now and we're both stressed and unhappy with that stress.

danae and jewels are right, there is an ebb and flow to every relationship, sometimes you click, sometimes you don't. When you don't you really miss the times when you do. Or at least, I really miss the times when we do click. So, we're stuck in a big ebb right now and could be for the next couple of years until I've finished school and can finally find a day job.

Wondering

With all this new turmoil we’ve been dealing with I don’t know where this leaves us with our M/s dynamic.

Wednesday we had a phone conversation about the whole issue around ZBoy’s narking incident just before I had to leave for work. He was a bit upset and was rather harsh on the phone. I didn’t take it well and hung up on him.

A little while later he called back and we talked some more. I was at Defcon 10 with my emotional upset and wasn’t very receptive to anything he had to say. At one point I told him I didn’t feel that my motherhood was respected by him and that I couldn’t be married to, or belong to, a man who didn’t respect that. I said some pretty hurtful things and I regret them now. Hindsight and all that, you know.

We didn’t speak to each other beyond the necessities Wednesday night when I got home from work. When we went to bed I wasn’t ready to talk but I wanted him to know I still loved him and that I wasn’t going anywhere so I reached out and laid my hand on his back. He reached back and rubbed my arm and then we fell asleep. I think that was one of the only nights either of us has ever woken up in the position we’ve fallen asleep in.

Last night we talked about our issues and we reconnected. But, we didn’t discuss the power exchange. It was obvious, when we went to bed, that he still expects me to obey. “You’re not the boss of me” isn’t a good reason to not comply when commanded to remove my panties. I guess he’s not accepting my “request” for release and he’s not choosing to release me. I’m glad he doesn’t take action as soon as I say something in the heat of the moment. I’m not very rational when I’m upset; my first instinct has always been to run away when things get difficult. As a teenager I’d run away physically, as an adult, mentally and emotionally. It’s really difficult for me to stay in the moment, to stay present and deal with it all like a rational adult. I’m still learning.

I’m probably over thinking things. The power exchange, even if we were to agree to drop it for the sake of our marriage, would still be present. It’s how we relate to one another. I had renewed symptoms of the UTI, that I’m still trying to get rid of, and I had to call him. I needed his input on what to do. I needed his permission to go to the doctor instead of going to work. Not because he requires it but because I needed it. I don’t know how to explain it without sounding like I’m co-dependent either. But, staying home from work is a big decision I lose almost 50 dollars by missing a night of work. I don’t feel comfortable making that sort of decision on my own unless I’m really feeling like I’m dying. There’s also a comfort issue, I feel comforted, validated when he agrees with me that I need stay home from work and see the doctor. I feel cared for.

Well F*ck Me Running!

You know, you never really do know someone even if you've raised them.

I just found out that my son decided to nark his sister off to the school police officer who in turn is calling her JCO and they're going to do a random UA on her. Wonderful. Just when things were starting to wind down he's cranking up the drama again.

I understand he *thinks* he's doing the right thing from some sanctimonious position of piety that the rest of us will never achieve. Personally I believe he's found a way to get even with her and didn't give a thought to the rest of us.

Never mind the fact that his information is all hearsay. Could he be bothered to speak to us? Or ask her directly to confirm what he's heard? No, he decides that narking to the police is the best way to handle this situation. There are days, like today for instance, that I'd like to shake some common sense into him. Instead I told him to either leave or go to his room, I wasn't of a mind to talk calmly.

We know what she's been doing, we accept the reality of the situation. There's not much we can do, she's not ready to accept that what she's doing (drinking and drugs) is not good for her and what's more, is against the law. That's the most difficult part of being a parent, having to accept that there are some things that are beyond your control. Oh sure, we could ground her, we could even force her into drug treatment. And we could pay anywhere from a few hundred to a few thousand dollars for something that will do no good because she's not ready to quit. That's the one thing few seem to realize, you can't FORCE an addict to quit, they have to be ready to do it. The ADDICT has to come to the realization that they're not in a good place and no amount of lecturing from parents or other authority figures, no amount of therapy, is going to get them there before it's time.

I am.....upset. I am saddened and angered by my son's actions and by the possible consequences of all of this. I am intimidated by the possible upcoming additional hoops we'll (I'll) have to jump through. I am worried about going to work and leaving this for Master to deal with, his isn't the coolest of heads when he feels like his family is threatened and this certainly will fall under that heading. His son has just done something he'll consider a betrayal of the family.

I guess I have to have faith that things will work out however they're meant to.

I'm Still Alive

I know, I haven't posted in a bit but I can explain, really! *smiles*

Life has been hectic around here, we've had health issues, migraines, and I'm contemplating a trip to the urologist because of repeated UTIs and bladder infections that are becoming more difficult to treat. It's truly frightening to be facing that but I'm just matter-of-fact about it. We will find a way to fix things, we'll adapt. What other choice is there?

Working evenings is beginning to wear on me and I think I'd be correct in saying that it's wearing on Master too. He's just not the "Mr. Mom" type. He is giving it a Herculean effort but he just doesn't seem as much himself lately, he's exhausted. Sometimes I wonder if I should just quit school and see if I can get day hours where I'm at. I'm sure that'd be a mistake though and I keep plugging along, hoping that we'll get through it. The end seems so near to me, it's within my grasp, I just have to keep at it.

Today is Master's birthday and I'm sad that I can't spend it with him. If I had my way I'd clear a few hours for just he and I to be alone after taking him out for a romantic dinner. Once home I'd lead him upstairs to give him a full body massage with a spicy scented oil, nude of course so I could use my entire body to rub him down with. Afterwards, a nice hot shower for two.

Instead I have to go to work and won't see him until I get home around 8:30 and the next hour and a half until bedtime will be spent dealing with the kids' stuff and decompressing. Then to bed where we'll try to fall asleep so we can get up and do the same thing again tomorrow.

In many ways I miss being a stay-at-home mom and housewife. I miss being here, being available, for him. I miss being here when he gets home and sitting on the bed upstairs while he talks to me about his day. I miss the opportunities for quickie sex after his shower. I hope to have some semblance of that again some day, my goal is to end up working from home in the long term. I enjoy my co-workers and my workplace, I don't much care for the work itself, but I do feel successful. I guess I just want it all.

Through all of this I feel like I've lost touch with my slave-self. If I'm tired at night, he lets me just veg. If I'm not in the mood for sex, up until the last two nights, he'd let me refuse. I'm not laying this at his feet, I know better and I've been taking advantage of his good nature. I've just let myself go on automatic pilot, my mouth, my brain, everything. Bad slave girl, bad.

His

Master's birthday is next week and his company allows its employees a day off of their choosing during their birthday month. Master chose to take this Monday off.

The day started early for me, I still had to go to class. A girl needs her education afterall. While I was in class Master was sleeping in, or so I thought. When I got home from class I woke him and eventually he got into the shower. I thought perhaps he'd forgotten that we'd discussed using the day to get some much needed SM play. Actually, I was halfway hoping he'd forgotten, I wasn't sure I was in the mood for SM. His command when he got out of the shower let me know he hadn't forgotten. "Put on some music."

I was a bit nervous then. The butterflies in my stomach had butterflies. I was truly nervous at what he'd do to me without the possibility of children hearing to keep him in check.

I put on some music that I like, something soft and ambient, hoping that the gentle music would influence him a little. Heavy/loud music tends to get him ramped up as does Beethoven. As I said, I was worried so I chose something I thought was "safe".

I don't recall how I ended up naked, but after that he ordered me onto the bed with my butt in the air. He started with spanks and moved into floggers. He really laid into my back with the floggers. One side of my back is a lot more sensitive, the side with the cutting. The scar tissue is extra-sensitive. I gasped out that I couldn't take as much on the right side, I told him it burned. I should have known better, no sooner had I uttered the words he laid into that side with gusto with the words "Really? It doesn't hurt me a bit."

For a moment, just a moment, tears threatened and I felt absolutely miserable. For a split second I felt as if he were punishing me for something. Then reason took over and all was well. I knew it was just his sadistic tendencies, give him a reaction and he'll work twice as hard to get more of it.

After the flogging he began punching... yes, I said punching. He punched all the big muscles in my thighs, butt, and upper back. Over and over, developing a rhythm that I began to relax into. I think if he'd continued I might well have zone out a bit. I'd just begun to feel super relaxed, my breathing was deep and regular, and I was feeling a wee bit floaty, and he stopped. He tormented me then, you see, he brought out the horrible rubber paddle. I hate that thing, it's pure evil. He placed it on my butt and I was sure he'd use it on me. But no, he had another surprise in store for his girl. Instead of feeling the impact of the paddle, I felt the sharpness of cold steel. Yes, Master brought out the knife and I was tickled pink! He hasn't gotten the knife out in so long that I'd almost forgotten how much I enjoy it.

He used the knife very thoroughly, little pokes here and there to make me gasp and feel jumpy, long deep scratches as (I later found out) he scratched words into my bottom. I actually felt real fear while he had the knife out, it'd been so long and I felt so new to all of it.

Soon he put the knife away and that's when the fun sexy stuff started and that's where I'll stop my narration for tonight.

Suffice it to say that I feel very fortunate that he chose to use his birthday day off to spend with me.

Slain Demons

I'm posting twice in one day, a rare thing. Last night was a mile marker for me and something I need to put in print so I always remember it.

I was able to offer something sexual to Master that, in the past, even a hint of it would have left me a train wreck. Since I've got this UTI penetrative sex is just not a cool thing right now but Master still has needs that I want to take care of. He's been very kind and hasn't made any demands, he never does when I'm ill, but I can see that he's been frustrated and it bugs me when I'm unable to see to his needs.

Anyway, last night I suggested that he could f*ck me between my thighs and he took me up on that offer. I laid on side and after he lubed up the area between my thighs, I clenched my legs together as he slid between them. It felt pretty good, a nice tease for me as the top of his cock rubbed against my pussy with every stroke.

Why is this a mile marker? Why do I title this post Slain Demons? Simply this, the act I described above was done to me by my abuser. In the past if there was even a hint of that happening it would throw me into a very dark place of flashbacks and body memories. Not a pleasant place to be when you're with your lover.

Last night, when I made the suggestion, the memories did surface and even now they're playing behind my eyes, but they no longer have the power they once did. I am able to sift through them and let them go without mentally becoming that little girl who didn't understand. It's taken many, many years to get to this point, lots of blood, sweat, and tears; mine and Master's. I think I'm finally making the transition from survivor to thriver. I never thought it was possible, ever. I thought I'd always be controlled by my past. I still have days when the demons try to make a comeback, I'd be lying if I said otherwise, but I don't let them hang around for long. I still have things that can and will trigger the old feelings and I avoid them as much as possible, sometimes it's best not to pick at old wounds.

I think the most important thing that has happened is entirely mental, I no longer define myself by my past but by my present and my future. I'm lucky, I know it and I say it often. My horrors weren't as great as those of others, but horrors are horrors and we all heal from them in our own way.

Lowered Tolerance

This week I've been thinking about lowered tolerance and how it applies to me. First off, I have yet another UTI and it's been a doozy. I have always told people that I have a low tolerance to UTIs and bladder infections, if I feel even a hint of one I'm off and running to the doctor because I can't deal with the pain of them.

It was only this week that I realized the 'why' behind my low tolerance for that type of pain, nevermind that they hurt like the dickens. I had my first UTI as a teenager and I was staying with my grandparents at the time. I didn't know what was wrong at the time, all I knew was that my belly hurt and it hurt beyond belief to pee. I didn't say anything, I wasn't comfortable talking to them about it. So, the entire week or so that I stayed there, I suffered in silence. I had more sleepless nights than I care to count due to the gnawing pain in my belly.

Ever since then I get panicky when I have UTI symptoms and I keep a urinary analgesic on hand just in case. I did finally get treatment when I went home, found out I had a lovely little STD too (go me).

I have also made some mental connections this week regarding my low tolerance to some pain that Master chooses to dish out. A few months back while I was at the dentist's office and whining about the pain as she cleaned my teeth, she pointed out that all the pain meds I'm on can actually reduce one's tolerance to pain. This was reinforced by a magazine article I read while sitting in the doctor's office this week. It made me feel better knowing it's not me, it's the medication causing it. It's important to me to be able to be an outlet for his sadistic needs as well as, I do have my own masochistic needs. Although now, my needs are usually met long before his are. *chuckling* However, I should note that sometimes he enjoys it even when I'm not and I'm glad that it works that way for him.

I guess the reason I'm writing all this is because I want to mark this new knowledge of myself. It's important to me to know myself as thoroughly as possible and in knowing myself I am better able to be transparent to Master. That's my theory and I'm sticking to it. *smiles*

Support

Today's post comes from Kindlings.


6. Do you look to other slaves/peers for support and/or validation?

In the beginning of my journey as a submissive I looked to everyone for support and a whole load of validation. I was really unsure of myself and I used other subs and peers sort of like training wheels. I leaned on them whenever I lost my "balance".

Similarly when I began life as Master's slave, I needed to lean on other slaves but not so much for validation. I needed support, I was endeavoring to do something that didn't quite come naturally to me. While Master is excellent at teaching me what he wants from me, he cannot teach me the intricacies of surrender from a slave's point of view. I've always found it helpful to see things from the perspective of someone who's "been there, done that."

As I've grown in self-confidence I've lost the need for the training wheels. I do still seek a small bit of validation from time to time when my self-confidence wavers for whatever reason. I still lean on others for support too. I believe very strongly that people need support systems around them and slaves, when they're having a tough time of it, can take a great deal of comfort from other slaves who, as I said above, have "been there, done that."

Thankful

Given the hecticness of my life lately I thought it'd be good for me to take a moment to focus on all that I'm thankful for. I really do have a *lot* of good in my life that I don't always focus on because I'm stuck in the present moment.

I'm thankful for Master, without him life would be less colorful. Without his tender care of me I'd be more frazzled than I am.

I'm thankful for my children, they may seem like ungrateful wretches at times (two of them are teenagers) but they're *my* ungrateful wretches and they've given my life a purpose and have made it interesting.

I'm thankful for modern medicine, it has made it possible for me to do all that I do today.

I'm thankful that I am able to work.

I'm thankful that I am able to go to school.

I'm thankful for the people in my life, both online and offline.

I'm thankful for the ability to laugh and find the humor in many situations.

I'm thankful for every day, it's an opportunity.

Two Ships Passing

Master always wakes before I do in the mornings and is gone to work before I'm out of bed. This morning I woke when he did due to the call of nature. The room was dark as I crawled out of bed to make my way to the bathroom. As I made my way out of the bathroom he was making his way in and as we passed I brushed my nude breasts against his back while my hand stroked across his nude bottom. He reached out and nuzzled a breast with his hand as I continued to walk out of the bathroom and then the contact was broken.

He closed the bathroom door and I climbed back into bed for a little more sleep. That was it, the limit of our contact this morning but it was potent. I felt a swell of love and a tingle of excitement as I snuggled under the covers and wished it was the weekend so he could be there in bed with me.

Even though we have less time together we still manage to keep our connection alive and vibrant. Yesterday I wrote up a huge entry bemoaning an imbalance in our M/s dynamic. Since I've been working and going to school he's taken over more of the household chores and sometimes seems to cater to me. Yesterday I was feeling like a displaced slave and my entry reflected it. Through the wonder that is computer glitches, the entry was lost and I'm glad for it.

After I gave up on ever retrieving that entry I decided to take a little action and did up some dishes and made a list of chores for the kids. I realized that if I want to serve I need to just do it. There are always chores to do and in doing them there is that much less for Master to have to do in the evening. I may not be able to be here to cook and serve his dinner but I can still do things to help make his life easier.

Sometimes I forget that a lot of what we do, M/s and relationships in general, is based in our minds and hearts, not in the things we do. The things we do are a symptom of who we are and how we feel and while they do emphasize and help to strengthen bonds, they aren't the end all and be all.

Mortality

Mortality. That's the word of the day. We found out a couple of days ago that a Lifestyle acquaintance passed away.

I'm having a hard time getting my head around the reality of it. He's gone, no longer exists on this plane of existence. I keep having clips of movies I've seen flash through my mind, a crowd of people and one or two just disappear, the others know something has happened but don't really know what and they carry on with what they're doing. That's how I felt in class on Wednesday, here this person is dead and I'm going to class, carrying on with my life in a room full of young people who are oblivious to just about everything.

That evening I took a call from a customer who's words really put things in perspective. She related some pretty terrible health issues and ended with "Every day is a challenge and every day is a gift." The truth of her words really resonated with me. I have very challenging days but I'm still alive to try to rise to the challenge and some days I even succeed.

I wasn't more than an acquaintance with the person who passed on but I did appreciate his good nature and his ready smile. I'll miss that smile at future group meetings.

Bad Calls

Last night at work I had my first bad call. My first name caller, insulter, and all-around jerk. He was trying to get out of paying a sizeable bill and got upset when I wouldn't do what he wanted, whatever that was.

However I may sound now, the call shook me up last night. There's a certain amount of violence, in my opinion, in trying to intimidate, insult, and swear at, a stranger. Perhaps the person wouldn't act that way face to face, perhaps the phone made him feel powerful. I don't know. All I do know is that it took a good part of the night to shake the feeling of being unsafe.

Another aspect of the call that bothers me is the way I handled it. I'm not sure I handled it correctly and being the perfectionist I am, it's driving me nuts. I won't be able to let that part go until I talk it over with my trainer tonight. I made notes on the man's account so that if he happens to call back and tries to tell tales about me to someone else, they'll know my side of it.

Folks at work are pretty blase about these types of phone calls, perhaps I will be too, eventually. But for now, it bothers me that one human being can be so cruel to another.

Back to School

Today was the first day of the fall term for me. I was totally amazed to see the sheer numbers of students, I've never seen a campus so utterly full of people. Traffic was backed up for about a half mile outside campus and parking lots were nearly full by 8 a.m. I ended up parking in the lot across from the lot I normally park in (the one directly in front of the building my classes are in). Still, it was a gorgeous morning so I was game for the extra little hike I'd have to make.

Little did I know it was going to become a big hike. Once I was inside the building and found the room the class was supposed to be in I was met with a dark room and a little sign that said the class had been moved to another room in another building. A building, I might add, whose location I had no knowledge of. Luckily a good Samaritan hobbled along on her crutches, saw my dilemma and commiserated with me. I told her I had no idea where the building was and she told me how to get to it. Yay! So, off I went and soon found the building and after a few short minutes and more kindly directions, I found my classroom. It was in a strange section, I had to walk past display cases with preserved, dissected, animals on one side and various stuffed birds on the other. That was decidedly creepy. The classroom itself smelled a bit off and looked a lot like my 7th grade science classroom. *shudders*

The class itself looks to be an easy one and the instructor seems okay. So, I think I'll enjoy my Monday and Wednesday mornings even if I do have to get up at an inhuman hour.

When I got home I logged onto my online course, medical terms 1, and it looks to be an interesting class. I'm always excited about learning new things, things I have next to no knowledge about. I'm weird that way. I've got assignments due in that class already which I'll probably delve into tonight after work and tomorrow before transcription class. I'll end the week with Friday's four hour medical computer applications class. Yay.

On Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays I'll be heading directly to work from school. It's going to be difficult and I know I'm going to be tired but I feel very focused and my eye is firmly on achieving the goal of earning this degree and beginning my career.

I owe Master a huge debt of gratitude, if it weren't for him managing the homestead I wouldn't be able to do this at all. I'm extremely lucky and extremely thankful for him. Thank you Master for your support and encouragement, it means the world to me.

Date Night and Other Stuff

Last night Master and I had an impromptu date night. We went and saw Mr. & Mrs. Smith at the discount theatre. All I can say is it was definitely worth the wait. That one is going on my DVD wishlist. *g*

Yesterday afternoon we had the place to ourselves and had a little adult time. Master spanked me fiercely and then gave me one of the most intense orgasms I've had in quite a while. It was extra good because we could both yell and make loads of noise since all the kids were gone. Woo-Hoo!

Last night was odd though. Master and I watched an old episode of Real Sex and then went up to bed. He started picking on me and doing silly things that drive me nuts just because he wanted to see my reactions. It all came about because while we were downstairs I made the comment that I really didn't like the soft "making love" that they were showing on TV.
Upstairs he kept touching me soft and was being silly about it. I alternated between laughing and batting his hands away and feeling a bit violent. I get that way sometimes when things get irritating and Master has always been able to get me to that point, he thinks it's a talent. lol

At one point he threatened to sit down and pluck hairs on me, I was very resistant to the idea and this is when things turned serious. He asked me if it wasn't his right to do so if he desired. I wouldn't answer, I didn't want to give the answer and I really don't know why. I was just so irritated by the other stuff and I was feeling sort of defiant so I gave half answers, tried to redirect the conversation, and was a general smart alec.

Suddenly Master grabbed my legs, pulling them up he thrust himself against me and had me breathless. If he'd continued with that I'd have been his melty little puddle of submissive goodness. But that wasn't what he wanted yet. He then dropped my legs and started with the irritating stuff again. He carried on like that for a little while and as suddenly as before, he grabbed a fistfull of my hair and pulled me around on the bed a bit. This really threw me for a loop. I felt off balance by this sudden change of events, he was fierce and cold and mocking my whimpers.

Tears filled my eyes when he told me to position myself on the bed. I tried to control them, I really didn't understand why they were there. I did manage to get the tears to stop and Master proceeded with a rather delicious caning. Afterwards he told me I needed it and I understood what he meant. It helped to center me and bring me back to the obedience he expected from me. In that moment I felt extremely lucky to be his.

Today has been a lazy day, sort of. We slept in and Master had a nap. I got some cleaning and laundry done. When Master woke from his nap he cooked the family a delicious meal while I cleaned our bathroom and had a late shower. Now I'm sitting here relishing all my little aches left over from yesterday and mentally preparing myself for the first day of my classes tomorrow.

In just a few short minutes Master and I will watch HBO's new show, Rome. Life is good.

One Dimensional

One very frustrating thing about reading books or articles about Lifestyle issues is that they're very one dimensional. We're only seeing a tiny snippet of the whole that is D/s or M/s from the author's perspective.

What about the humanity? What about the bad days? What about the good days? What about the fun? Is there any fun? These are the questions that pop into my head when I'm reading. Perhaps Master and I are unusual, we have a lot of fun together and he's not afraid of losing control over me because he's letting me tease him about things. It doesn't take much for him to make the shift from partner to Master and to rein me in again.

That's why I enjoy reading Lifestyle blogs so much. I get to see the humanity, I get to see the good, the bad, and the fun. It helps me to know I'm not alone in this huge world. Sometimes I do need a little outside validation, it's nice to know that I'm not doing it "wrong" even though I know there is no right or wrong way to live this Lifestyle.

I especially enjoy the couples blogs because I get to see life from both perspectives and that is a rare gift in my opinion. Sometimes I wish I could get Master to write here, even to comment, but he's just not much of an online person. He's satisfied with reading what I have to say and talking to me about it later.