Prey

I've been giving more thought to what it means to have an inner "prey". It's not something I keep locked in a cage like Master's Beast. It roams freely inside me, it is a very proud animal and is very confident in its ability to entice and then evade the Beast. If it isn't able to evade the Beast it is certain it can withstand whatever the Beast may do to it.

I'm sure some wonder where this comes from just like they wonder where masochsim begins, etc. I really can't tell you because I don't know, it's part of who I am. When I was a little girl my favorite games to play were hide and seek (I hated being the seeker always liked being sought) and house. I wanted to play the "traditional" wife role, playing the housekeeper and happy face for the play hubby to come home to. As I got older I began to fantasize, my favorite fantasy was about being swept away by a very strong, very dominant male (think Viking warlord), who'd keep me locked in a tower somewhere as his and his alone. But, I was no meek thing in these fantasies, he'd have to woo me, win me over, and in some cases fight with me to get what he wanted.

It's true that in the past I was a victim. I was helpless and afraid and for a long time that fear and helplessness plagued me even after the abuse ended. I reclaimed myself and claimed my personal power some years ago and put those demons to rest. This isn't about reliving my victimhood or my abuse, I never want to feel that way again.

I think my inner prey was with me even then, as a child. Perhaps that is what made me a target for abuse. I don't know and I don't spend much time these days wondering "why me?" I do know that even then I knew I'd survive whatever was done to me I was sure of it, as sure as I am now when the Beast comes out to play. I fought even then, with words, trying to wheedle my way out of the encounters and failing that, with threats of revelation.

When my inner prey comes out, fills me, whatever, I at once go soft and pliant all over, my masks are stripped away and nothing is left but the prey. I quiver all over in anticipation of the hunt, my breathing becomes quick and shallow and my heartbeat quickens. I don't know what he sees in my eyes but whatever it is he seems encouraged, inflammed, by it. I know that fighting him will cause him to be more vicious, sometimes I fight.

I've said it before but I think it bears repeating, there is a very dark part of me that craves to be left bruised and bleeding afterwards. I want to be left lying on the bed, barely able to move, bruises, scrapes, and cuts covering my body, my neck sore and beginning to purple, petichia around my eyes, my scalp raw where he's pulled my hair too tightly and pulled some out by the roots, my throat swollen from having his cock forced into it over and over, basking in the endorphin rush and the knowledge of being used well and my Master being well-sated for the time being. I even crave the aftercare; his tender, and sometimes not so tender, ministrations, cleaning my wounds and covering them with anti-bacterial ointment to prevent infection, stroking my head and looking into my eyes lovingly, and just cuddling with me after all that while we both slowly swim to the surface and the Beast and prey once again are buried just under the surface.

I know it sounds like a romanticized view of something that can be very violent and ugly and if things got out of control, deadly. But this is the reality of the majority of my experiences with this type of play. How can I see it as violent or ugly when it seems natural and normal to me? I've never wanted the romantic sex that other people seem to enjoy, I don't like soft and gentle love-making, I've tried it and found myself eager for the other to finish quickly while fighting my darker urges. While it's true that the Beast and the prey aren't strictly sexual, this is how Master and I seem to end up expressing them most often.

So maybe I haven't answered the whys, I'm still exploring it and hopefully will find better answers soon.

Beastly Food for Thought

I hadn't been checking comments from my older entries and ended up missing one that has given me much to think on and has prodded me to explore the subject a little further. This is from swan:

Well, I'm late getting into this, but here goes... You've come closer to what I
was trying to address in my post on this topic that made so many people angry. I
think, with you, that "playing" with The Beast is dangerous business. We don't
do it. Unlike you, I find that The Beast in Master is the darkest of His
personality -- that within Him that is beyond His control and is NOT sane. I
have seen it and survived, but I do believe that it is possible that an
encounter with The Beast could be damaging, destructive, even deadly. He doesn't
want that, and I don't court it. I really do believe that those who say they
crave "The Beast" are longing for something primal, but are longing for
something that is far more restrained than the darkest depths that a totally
unrestrained human could go to.

I wholeheartedly agree that it is dangerous business, which is why we don't do it very often at all. The Beast in my Master is also the darkest part of his personality but it is well-caged today. In the past I'm not sure it was restrained at all, he's worked hard over the past several years to learn to control it and bulid a cage around it. I worry about mentioning this part of him, or having others see it, because I know someone somewhere is going to jump to conclusions or develop a negative view of him. I don't want to cast him in a bad light because his is a very good and very honorable man who loves and cares for me with all of his being. He has very strong limits where I'm concerned and absolutely refuses to do anything that will harm me. I'm hoping to get him to share his side of this at some point because I'm sure I'm losing something in the translation. Maybe if I ask nicely enough Master will write a guest post about the Beast from his perspective.

I think you're quite right, swan, in that some folks who long for the Beast might just be longing for something more primal, like a good rough f*ck as opposed to gentle love-making, instead of the full show. I'd like to say that yes, that's exactly what I'm longing for but that's not so. Primal is the norm for us, it's part of both our natures we've never done gentle love-making we've always f*cked and believe me there is a difference between the two. Sometimes I do want the full show and consequences be damned.

The reality is that there is a part of me that craves to be objectfied, to be reduced to being seen as nothing more than a vehicle for his pleasure, whatever that may be. I do sometimes crave to be used and left bruised and bleeding afterwards. As I mentioned in my original post, I have in me the other side of the coin, the partner to the Beast, prey. That part needs to be allowed out occasionally and when it gets out, so does the Beast. Sure we could "play", he could tie me up and pretend to menace me but we both know it isn't real and therefore, doesn't satisfy the need.

We have something else in common, he and I, we can't stop thinking and it takes quite a bit to make either of us stop thinking and just feel. That's part of the draw of intense S&M and edgeplay. It can take us to a place where the outside world no longer exists, nothing exists but the moment, the pain, and the other person. For us it not only sates our sadomasochistic appetites, it serves as stress relief and relaxation. As a side note there are gentler actvities that we do enjoy, such as fire cupping, but they don't serve the same purpose or meet the same needs.

When the Beast comes out Master's eyes change into hard glittering bits of stone, his voice becomes a coarse growling whisper, his posture becomes more aggressive, and his body becomes unyeilding. I swear his hands become harder, more solid. Just writing about it makes my heart beat a little faster and my breath come a little quicker. In person it's more powerful, in addition to the changes in my breathing and heart rate bits of my personality peel away leaving the prey which acts on instinct alone. I am fully living in my body at these times and not thinking of anything beyond the moment and meeting whatever demands he makes on my body. Sometimes it's about him just taking what is his, sometimes it's about me fighting to keep from being taken, sometimes it's about humiliation and degradation, and sometimes it's all of the above. I don't like anal sex, it simply isn't enjoyable to me and often leaves me feeling phyiscally ill, when we play with the Beast and the prey he'll force anal sex and I'll fight it. Sometimes he wins, sometimes I do. Again, I will agree that surely there are less dangerous activities that can be done to achieve this state but none are as satisfying for me and for all I know, for him too.

Part of one such scene stands out in my mind very clearly. It was a few years ago, I'd been b*tchy the night before and it carried over into the next morning; I was craving play and at the time wasn't very good at articulating my needs or wants so I often went without because I couldn't/wouldn't say "Please I need___" and then would have a poor attitude and bratty behavior because I was going without. Needless to say, he punished me for my behavior and attitude. In the process the Beast came out. He forced my mouth down onto his cock and held me there by my hair until I gagged, wrapped his hands around my neck and strangled me until I gagged and nearly vomitted, and had me get onto all fours and wrapped his belt around my neck and used it as a leash while he f*cked me using it to pull my head up. The belt cut off my air almost as well as his hands and cock did and this was erotic for me, I had an orgasm during this bit. After he finished, he removed the belt from my neck and sat on the bed while I lay there. He stroked my hair, my cheek, my body, soothing me, loving me. I remember sliding off the bed onto the floor and groveling at his feet, kissing them, and hugging his legs. Not from fear, not from a need to appease his anger (he wasn't angry), but in thanks for the correction and for using me. I was grateful for the attention and thoroughly enjoyed the orgasm I'd had. I was also grateful for the relief I felt afterwards, I was relieved of all stress and negativity I'd been feeling through that scene.

This is often the way the Beast manifests between us, it is almost always sexual, though I've known it to rear its head when he's feeling a little extra sadistic during S&M play at play parties (we don't have the privacy at home very often to do much S&M play).

If pushed to actually define this part of him I would say Master is a sexual sadomasochist with a major exception, most of the time he does want me to enjoy whatever he is doing where a true sexual sadist doesn't care about his/her counterpart's pleasure. The only time he's unconcerned with my pleasure is when the Beast is out and then I'm not concerned with my pleasure either.

I would guess that it is his love for me that keeps the Beast caged enough that he can keep it from harming me. Though it isn't perfect, the unintentional has happened. Although as many of us can attest, the unintentional can happen during any sort of play. This is why he and I ascribe to R.A.C.K (Risk Aware Consensual Kink) as opposed to S.S.C. A lot of S&M play is not safe. It can be made safer, yes, but not 100% safe. Sane? That's a very subjective term and each of us interprets it differently. Even consensual can be subjective because of consensual non-consent, some would see that as an abusive situation. I prefer a term that is less open to interpretation, not to mention, it does apply to us better than S.S.C. We're very aware of the risks of everything we do and don't usually consent to do a thing until we're aware of the risks. I mentioned breath control play a few paragraphs ago. When we realized it was a turn-on for both of us we researched it to learn about the dangers and to find if there were ways to make it safer.

I don't mean to sound careless about unintentional harm. There was an instance when the Beast was out where I was harmed, emotionally and mentally. It took time, work, and communication to heal those hurts but we did heal them and we learned from the experience. As a result we take more steps to minimize the risk of unintentional harm. For instance, we don't play after an argument. The argument must be completely over and resolved for both of us. Another safeguard is that he rarely (if ever) initiates this type of play. I go to him and ask for it, this ensures that my mindset is right for it and if he's not in the right mood/mindset we just don't go there. Physical harm hasn't really been a concern. He's not going to hit me, it's simply not his M.O. strangulation is, and he retains enough of himself that he is still able to respond to my signals of distress. The bottom line is that he doesn't want to harm or kill me and that is his override switch, it keeps him in control even though it may appear to be a tenuous control. He's also got a strong sense of self-preservation; he realizes that if the Beast ever got out of the cage the part that makes him who he is would die and the Beast would never go back into the cage. He likes himself, likes the man he's become, and wants to keep that alive.

I do feel the need to reiterate that I feel playing with the Beast is most certainly a dangerous activity, possibly moreso than anything else we (general we) do. I would never say otherwise. What I am saying is that Master and I have assessed the risk together and have decided that for us, the benefits outweigh the risks.

Yawning Chasm

Warning: Depressed ranting and venting with just a little whining thrown in for spice. If this isn't what you're looking for, read no further.

I'm feeling pretty down these days. The pain is out of control and I feel helpless against it. I'm pushing through my days because I have to, because I'm expected to. When I get home there's nothing left, I have nothing left in me, I just want to curl up and not exist. I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't want to be talked to, I just want to be left alone. The pain has become the focus of my life again. It'd be very easy to say "Don't focus on it, focus on something else" but when each step, each breath, each movement is filled with pain I ask "How?"

Master is optimistic, he thinks the pain will get better like it did the last time. I think he's dreaming. I guess his view is better than mine spending the next year, or however long it takes before I can afford to have surgery to fix the problems, in this kind of pain. Yes, I'm having dark thoughts, wondering if a life with this kind of pain is going to be worth living. I was almost pain free before last Thursday! I was almost normal, almost human, almost not controlled by pain. And then suddenly I'm back to square one and not even able to sit on the couch and watch TV without having to shift position a million and one times because it hurts. I'm miserable. My whole body hurts and nothing is helping.

I don't know what the doctor will say tomorrow and I guess it doesn't really matter because I can't do what it will take to fix the problem. So why even go? Why bother? My options are extremely limited, I can have the epidural (which didn't work before) or the surgery (which I can't afford and may never be able to afford). So, I ask, what is the fricking point when I'm going to have to take Option C, continue on as I have been and just survive? The only reason I'll go is to get answers, to find out exactly what I've broken this time.

It's all just starting to feel pointless. No I'm not threatening suicide, the thoughts are there yes, but I'm just not the type to follow through. Being the sadomasochist that I am I'd rather torture myself with thoughts of oblivion, release, relief, but not allow myself to have those things.

I'm just wondering why bother trying for more, for something better, when I'm not going to be able to enjoy it. Master will probably get upset with me for these thoughts, for my being so negative, but I can't help it. I FEEL negative. It's hard to be positive when I hurt from head to toe. The only positive I feel is positive that I hurt today and today is all I can see right now.

I'm running on empty here and I can't get past the pain.

Peevish

I've reinjured my back, I was working out and poof, there it went. So, I'm undergoing another MRI and followup with the pain doc. I'm pretty well at peace with it at this point. I can't undo it, much as I'd like to. I'm working on getting past the feelings of being a burden on Master. He says I insult him by suggesting that he'd be the type of person who would consider anyone in his care, a burden. The man has a point so, I concede and I apologize for the insult. I purposely avoided posting here for the past few days so I didn't fill this space with the pitypoorme crap that I've been doing in private e-mails to certain loved ones and support groups.

Last night Master and I were watching this show on cable on a channel named WE (Women's Entertainment). The show was called Secret Lives of Women: Fetishes. Well I just HAD to watch it when I saw that title. For the most part the show was interesting, however; there was a woman on there who was a slave whose outlook on slavery kind of hit my buttons. She said that as a slave she's no longer responsible for her choices, for the consequences of any decisions made, etc. You get the point I'm sure. This line of thinking always irks me. Consensual slavery is *not* an abdication of responsibility in my book. In fact, I see it as a greater responsibility in that I am answerable to another, not just to myself.

I think I can see where she was going with it in that there is a mental game one can play with oneself when one is having difficulty getting past certain social conditionings such as "good girls don't..." When Master tells you to do it then you're not really doing it of your own volition right? This then means that you're not responsible for it, right? This is great when you're just starting out or when you're pushing limits but, there should come a point where you realize that you really are responsible for each and every decision you've made. If you're driving Master somewhere and he tells you to speed to get there and you get pulled over for speeding "Master told me to do it" isn't going to go over very well with the police officer and it certainly won't get you out of the ticket. It would be about as effective as "the devil made me do it."

One of my biggest pet peeves is people not taking personal responsibility for their actions. Slave or not, I am still responsible for my choices, regardless of whether or not I'm following orders. It's not as if choosing to be his slave was the last choice I ever made. Consensual slavery is a path of constant choices, with each day, with each order, I make the choice to obey, to complete a task. No matter how nice a fantasy it might be, Master will not be the only person dealing with the consequences of choices made. Every consequence and outcome will affect both of us whether I was following Master's orders or not.

I've tried very hard to instill the value of personal responsibility in each of our children, I think I came to it too late with our son and our oldest daughter. Too many of their early years were spent with me still living under the shroud of victim. All these horrible things had happened and were happening to me, I was helpless to stop them. They were half-grown by the time I realized I could effect change in my life, before I became personally empowered. Too little too late? I don't know. All I can do now is live, and teach, by example.

Goings On

It's been busy around here lately. School started today for the youngest girl and school starts next week for me and the oldest girl. Our computer decided to have a nervous breakdown (we think the motherboard is fried) and we're using the old computer that had been given to the kids to use.

I feel sort of lonely today, I'm not accustomed to being alone, I got so used to having HRS here and doing things with her. Now I'm back to seeing her for maybe an hour a day, if that, during the week. Ahh well, enough of the pity party.

School starts next week for me and I'm nervous about it. I'm taking accounting 101 and math is SO not my subject. I want to do well but I worry that I won't. Maybe I'd feel better about it if I knew I'd have time to actually study.

Pain = Arousal?

It's kind of ironic, one of the things I hate the most (being helpless, blindfolded, and "tortured") is one of the things that creates the biggest arousal response in me. I get a flood of moisture between my legs every time. The thing is, I don't feel mentally or physically aroused. I don't usually eroticize the pain, it's just pain, something to be felt, to be endured for him.

Yet, yesterday, after he'd had me bound, blindfolded, and "tortured" me, when he felt between my legs I was sopping wet. This is an arousal response in me that doesn't happen to that extent very often. Most of the time I'm very controlled in everything, even my arousal. *shrugs*

In the past I've rationalized that my masochism grew out of the self-mutilation that I practiced once upon a time. I thought it seemed like a reasonable explanation at the time. However, after yesterday's experience (remind me why I was eager to buy the Wartenburg Wheel??) I'm reconsidering. I mean there I was totally cold going into this, not aroused in the slightest, he did things to me that leave me begging for mercy and wishing I had the "right" to say stop when I'd had enough, and my body decides this is arousing. It's not the first time it's happened, it's just the first time I've really sat and thought about it. The other times there were things happening that were arousing to me so I guess I didn't give it much thought.

I guess what I'm getting around to saying is that I must be wired for pain, to like it even when I hate it and believe me, I really do hate being on the receiving end of the Wartenburg Wheel. No matter how determined I am to take it stoically, as soon as he starts in I'm reduced to a whimpering thing, begging him to stop and trying in vain to escape. And here comes the irony, I'd have been disappointed if he didn't do things like that to me. I sit here and shake my head at myself, I'm one big contradiction walking.

The Beast

Disclaimer: This is not an attack against anyone's point of view or preferences, nor is this a recommendation to try this type of "play". This is just my point of view borne from my own experiences and introspection.

I'd wanted to write a sort of essay about this subject though there aren't that many resources to pull from. Just my personal experience and rememberance of an article I read a year or so ago that I can no longer find.

When I talk about The Beast, which is a term I first saw coined by a dominant (whose article I can no longer find online) who was writing about the deepest darkest part of his sadism, I am talking about that part of Master that he keeps locked tightly in a cage lest it get out and wreak havoc on our lives. I have jokingly called it his inner serial killer but it's no joke, it is that part of him that can maim and kill without a second thought. And, for some reason, it's the part of him I like to rub up against from time to time.

I have something in me that is like the other side of that coin but that I have no word for. Not victim, a victim doesn't give consent. Perhaps prey is the closest I can come to describing the part in me that answers the call of his Beast. Though I realize that prey doesn't exactly give consent either, it's the best word I've got for now.

The other day swan mentioned that the Beast is something she and her Master don't like to see very often, which got me to thinking about my own situation and perceptions. I'll say that I'm not ready to entertain the Beast very often, nor is Master willing to let me too near the cage either. He doesn't like the emptiness he feels and fears for my safety I think. I also have a healthy enough sense of self-preservation that I don't like to tempt fate too often. Perhaps this sense of self-preservation is a type of fear? However, as I've already said, there is something in me that needs that sort of interaction every once in a great while. It's draining for both of us, physically and emotionally. For Master he has to let go, sort of divorce himself from his emotions; go empty. For me, I have to hang on and remember things said during that time aren't meant, they're all part of the moment, the experience. I won't lie, feelings have gotten hurt in the past. We've dealt with those hurt feelings and moved on.

But, I don't fear The Beast because I trust Master implicitly. I trust that he has enough self-control that he won't go too far, I trust in his love for me and that he can't completely divorce himself from those emotions. Some might say I trust too much, that too much is left to chance, but if it weren't I wonder if the encounter would be enough to satisfy my inner prey.

When we do this dance, the dance of Beast and prey, it isn't about pleasure, definitely not my pleasure. It's a need in me that has to be fulfilled, a need to be totally debased, used, degraded even, and yes, physically hurt. In that moment I don't want him to be careful of me, attending to my wants, my pleasures, I want him to sate his inner sadist's lust, to slake his thirst with my body, which is what he does.

I don't expect anyone to understand this. It's definitely not a death wish, nor a sense of “I deserve this”. It's just another facet of who I am, perhaps it's a part of my masochism. I honestly don't know.

What I do know is that to thrive I need those occasional encounters. I need to be so caught up in the moment that there is no room for other thoughts, I need to be used so thoroughly that I ache for days afterwards, I need to be able to fight back without fear of reprisals. In the Beast I find all that, and afterwards, when the Beast is sated and I can see that the Master I know and love is definitely alive and well behind those so brown eyes, I'm wrapped in arms of love and comfort. We comfort each other then, help each other come back to ourselves, tend each other's wounds, and clean each other up. Then we spend the rest of the day/evening cuddling and just being together. This is the balance.

It's not for everyone, it's certainly not safe, and it's not something I recommend without a lot of safety nets and self-control. But it is part of my relationship with Master it's a part of who we are as individuals and as a couple. We've found acceptance of those parts of ourselves in each other.

Without a doubt, this is edge play in the extreme and I don't recommend it to anyone. There is a higher risk of things going wrong than with things going right. However, for Master and I, the benefits right now outweigh the risks.

All is Right With the World

I treated myself to a three-day-weekend this past weekend. I decided near the middle of the week last week that I just needed some time off and three days in a row sounded just about right. I'm sure I'll crash a bit tomorrow, sort of a post-vacation let down, when I go back to work but it was worth it.

It all started Friday with a short e-mail to Master. "I want to bleed, I want to bleed you, I want to share blood." We haven't done it in such a long time and right at the moment I wrote that e-mail I was craving it. I know, it's squicky to a lot of people but to me it's the deepest, most intense experience I can share with him. The first time we did it I felt as if we'd formed a deeper bond together, it almost felt, mystical, spiritual.

When he came home from work I told him he had some e-mails he should probably read. Sneaky me? Yeah. He read my e-mail and then went upstairs to shower. One minute I was lying on my belly in the center of the bed reading, the next minute I was being pulled up by my hair with him growling "So... you want to bleed do you?" Talk about instant arousal. I don't know how he did it, he went from happy-to-see-his-wife-after-work mode to sadist in no time at all. I'd love to share all the details but honestly, they're a bit fuzzy. I remember at one point I was kneeling and sucking his cock, deep, deep in my throat having my air cut off... then I was left bending over the bed while he set things up that he wanted. Music, knife.. that sort of stuff. He cut me then, across my back and my bottom. Deep cuts that with a few slaps, bled well. I felt him wipe the blood off my back with his finger and though I didn't see him, I know he licked them clean of my blood. There was some very nice spanking in between all that as well.

He had me kneel then as he sat on the bed and cut his shoulder for me, two little lines, deep enough that in moments blood was welling up to the surface. I just knelt there, my mouth hanging open, my eyes hooded, and my thoughts fuzzy. I knelt up and kept inching closer, amazed, watching the intent expression on his face as he bled himself for me. I fed then, at his shoulder.. lapping up the salty, metallic, fluid. Sucking at his flesh, moaning low in my throat, and reaching down to stroke him. When I'd had my fill he laid towels on the bed and had me lie down... sex toys were used and orgasms were had. I later told him that was the best part of my whole weekend and it was. It was some much needed SM, bonding, and forbidden afternoon sex, that we've both been missing sorely and it's also something we only get to do once in a great while right now.

The rest of the weekend was busy, we did grocery shopping, cooked dinner together, checked out the new Wal-Mart on our side of town, got a jump on buying HRS's school supplies, swam, and went to the library. Master did something very special for me today. He went swimming with us. He usually doesn't like to swim, he's uncomfortable in crowds, and is somewhat body conscious. It was so nice having him there and we all had such a good time together. I've become more focused on exercise lately and I want to do it, but I don't want to do it at the expense of my time with Master. So, I'm thrilled that he joined us today. He even enjoyed himself and admitted that it had felt good to get some exercise. Of course, he did forget to put on sunscreen and is now just a teeny bit pink. Good thing we didn't stay out there too long 'else he'd be a hurting unit. I think mostly I'm just happy we got to have today together.

Since ZBoy has moved out I've become keenly aware of how precious my time with the kids is and how short a time we have left in this stage of our relationships. I want to soak it all up, make as many good memories as possible, and just be happy together.

To finish the day Master gave me a spanking and great sex before bed, well, before he went to bed that is. Which is where I should be.

Love Fest

I'm still blown away by Master's ability to share me with M. I'm just absolutely amazed by him. He loves me so much and is genuinely happy when I get to spend time with M. Yesterday I was humbled by it. I'd gotten to spend a couple of hours alone with M, the first I'd had with him in nearly a year.

I sent Master a detailed e-mail about the day before I left for work and when I got home he told me how happy for me he was that I'd had such a good day. I could hear the happiness in his voice, see it in his eyes, and I could feel the love radiating from him. He was truly pleased for me. I'm awed by this man, truly. How could he ever wonder why I love him? Sometimes I don't feel worthy of him, like I don't deserve him.

He's a special man and I'm thankful he sees something in me that's worthy of loving and keeping.

Run By Updating

I guess I disappeared there for a bit again eh? Well, what can I say? I'm rarely here long enough to write much of anything. If I'm not at school or at work, I'm at the pool with HRS. If she had her way we'd be at the pool all day long, every day.

I'm growing more and more dissatisfied with my job and find myself chomping at the bit for something new, something where I'm not the verbal punching bag for ignorant strangers who don't have the capacity to read and understand a simple order form and choose to take it out on me and blame the company for their ignorance. My tolerance level for these people is at about a -6 and one of these days I'm going to say what I'm really thinking. Hopefully I'll have another job lined up before then. *chuckles*

The summer term is winding down and I'm anxious for the fall term to begin so I can get to the finish line. I'm tired of being a student for now. I need a rest.

I'm doing OK on the diet front, though I gained a half a pound in the past week and I'm wondering if it was the two trips out to eat that we made this week that did it. Either way, I'm not beaten. My clothes are all loose fitting and I'm driven to get into smaller sizes. I actually got into a 22 last night, it was just a wee bit snug and didn't look good at all. Could have been the style, whatever, I'll keep looking elsewhere. I didn't feel the usual upset over the clothes not fitting just right that I've felt in the past. That, in itself, is a major victory. I know that until I get to whatever my ending weight will be, I'm going to be between sizes more often than not and that's OK.

We're going to visit with the Tribe for the day today and I'm really excited. We haven't gotten to spend much time with them in quite a while. Life has just been WAY too busy. I'm hoping Master and I might get to sneak a little S&M in while we're there too. I'd be satisfied with just lying over his lap and receiving a leisurely spanking, I'm not greedy. I just need that physical connection with him, the give and take, and the energy we build together.

Really Doing It

You know, I've talked a big talk in the past about getting healthier. I've even made half-hearted attempts. And yes, over the past 8 years or so I had lost about 25 pounds. BUT, in the past month or so I've lost about 11 pounds. I just lost three of those pounds over the last week. I'm proud of myself for staying motivated and sticking to it. I can see visible results now, not only the numbers on the scale but in my jawline and my chin. Things are becoming less rounded and more defined and it's exciting. It's almost like watching a painting or a sculpture take form, I can't wait to see what the finished product will look like.

Master says he's noticing the changes too and it feels so good to hear that, to know that I'm not imagining things with too much wishful thinking.

The key to these results? Exercise. Who'd've thought it eh? I've been getting out and swimming for a half hour as often as I can. The only downside to losing weight? My clothes are getting loose and I think I'm between sizes so buying new clothes just isn't an option yet.

After years of wanting to be thinner, healthier, etc., I've finally found the right mindset for it. I finally want to do it and I want to do it for me. I want to FEEL better, I want to have more energy, I want to have less pain, and I want to be able to serve Master better.

I'm really proud of myself for actually doing it this time, for sticking to it, and for continuing to make the effort.

The Unwelcome Visitor

Well, I finally have my answer. The procedure in March didn't work like I'd thought/hoped. The evil monthly fairy is back. I'm pretty upset about it right now. I feel like my only option is to just live with it again like I've done for most of my adult life. We can't afford another procedure and I'm so leery of messing with my hormones by using BC to manage my periods and keep the polyps at bay.

I guess today was the perfect day for this to happen, it's storming outside, it matches how I feel inside.

WHY did I let myself get my hopes up? I knew better, I really did. I'd read enough failure stories on the ablation discussion board to know that my chances of being bloodless were slim. Yet, as April saw only spotting and May came and went with nothing and then June seemed like the same scenario, I got confident that I was going to be bloodless.

Well, this sucks and I'm not happy.

Good Times

It all started earlier this week. I went for my first walk Tuesday. I took HRS for a drag (that's going for a walk under protest) with me and we had fun. It was a short walk as these things go but it was enough to make me breathe a little harder and break a little sweat. I felt energized after the walk and, horny!

Yesterday I had a day off from work for a follow-up with the GYN regarding the surgery in March. So far so good, we're doing a progestin challenge next week to see just how effective the surgery was. Excepting April I've been bloodless and that wasn't even what I'd call a period. Yeah, I know, gory details, sorry. I'm not terribly excited about taking the hormones, half afraid that I'll start bleeding, and half afraid the hormones will make me insane.

Last night Master and I were getting friendly on the couch, getting each other quite aroused with covert teasing. Then I had to go pick up LMR and things went a little south after that. When I got home Master was waiting in the bedroom for me and we tried to rekindle the feelings we had earlier but were finding it very difficult. LMR was shouting at HRS in the hallway and we were both a little stressed over the way my car's breaks are behaving. So, we decided to give up and call it a night, we crawled into bed and settled in for the night. I picked up my book and started reading trying really hard not to let myself get angry over my frustration. I was so eager for some good sex with him and then the mood just kind of evaporated in the wind, yet I was still very aroused.

Well, it didn't take long for my hands to start wandering over him. It started out innocently enough, I stroked his arm, rubbed his belly, and well, then my hand traveled a bit lower and he made some happy sounds which encouraged me to do a little teasing. Light touches just near his groin but not quite touching anything. Then he started teasing me and by the time he started biting my neck and shoulder I was done for. We fooled around for a bit just getting each other worked up and then I turned out the light. I don't know why but I feel less inhibited when I'm that aroused and the lights are out. It's weird because I'm not a strictly "Turn out the lights before I'll get nekkid" kind of gal. But, in the dark, it feels more erotic, more something that I can't quite put words to. He did oblige me with some light breath play which thrilled me no end and only served to wind my crank that much tighter. He's my favorite lover, it's like we're built for each other, made to fit together just right.

Today was a good day too. I played hookie from class this morning, I was exhausted and needed more sleep. Yeah I know, bad girl. So spank me. I had to visit another one of my doctors for something else which turned out to be A-OK and I got home early enough to take HRS for a swim. We were only there for about a half an hour but it was great. It felt SO good to swim and even just walk around in the pool. The water supports some of my weight and takes some of the stress off my back which gives me some totally pain free time. HRS and I love to swim together and today was our first swim of the summer. I plan to take her for a swim tomorrow too and I hope m'Lady might join us but if she doesn't that's fine, we'll still swim and we'll still have fun.

And now, I'm off to work for the evening and I really don't mind. The swim really helped relax me. Why do I always forget how good I feel after getting some exercise and put off doing it again for such a long time?

It's The Simple Things

I feel at peace this morning, calm, happy, and relaxed. I know I have homework to do yet today but it feels as if there is plenty of time for it. I don't feel rushed, harried, or frenzied. I'm alone in the house and it feels good. I took time to do the sinks full of dishes, I feel accomplished. One less task for Master to do.

Master and the offspring are off to his company picnic, I could have gone, he wished me to, but he also knew I'd be uncomfortable (physically) and out of place. Hard benches and lots of standing do not make for a fun-to-play-with-later-slave. I have nothing in common with the people he works with and he's assured me that if ever the women at the gathering saw me they'd glom onto me wanting all the juicy little details I could give them about him. Not a fun position for me, who abhors the usual male-bashing gossip-swapping that a lot of women participate in. This is why I don't socialize with many women. I tried in the past to socialize with the wives of Master's co-workers and it was horrible and was definitely enough to put me off of their type forever. Maybe I'm just socially inept because if I have nothing to contribute to a certain discussion I don't say anything at all. I'm not good at making small talk so I don't try.

I'm not too proud to say that I'm uncomfortable with meeting strangers looking as I do. Yes, yes, still insecure. I'm working at changing things but not very hard just now. I don't want them to see me as his "fat wife" and yes, that's probably just something in my head, it still bothers me.

So now to school work and a presentation/report on carpal tunnel syndrome. I hope I can stay awake while writing it. *laughing*

Not Much to Say

I'll bet everyone thought I'd dropped off the face of the Earth eh? Well the truth of it is, I'm being swallowed up by the homework monster. It seems like any free time I have is being spent doing homework, reading textbooks, working, or sleeping. Tuesdays and Thursdays are long days indeed.

Last week Master and I took a personal day from our respective jobs and just spent some much needed quality time together. We're definitely making more effort to do that lately and I think it has helped each of us feel less like we're alone in this. I live for the weekends and I think he does too.

I think it's going to be a while yet before we're able to resume the level of M/s that we both want. I've got to finish school first. I've finally come to a place of acceptance about it, today anyway. I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss it but I'm so close to being finished now, I can cope. We both still know who is in charge, I still defer to him, and we still have our little rituals, these things sustain us through this time.

As far as school goes I'm doing pretty well at keeping up with it and I'm not doing too badly this term thus far. I'm not struggling with the subjects, some things that didn't quite jive last term are beginning to make a lot of sense now. It helps when you have an instructor that knows her subject well.

Unfortunately, I think I'm hitting my limit with customer service work. I've about had my fill of being the verbal punching bag for multitudes of strangers who just want to yell at someone and figure that I'll do. I realize it's not personal, or it shouldn't be, but after they start making personal attacks, it becomes personal and it really gets under my skin. After a time it's just stress. I dread going to work, I hate it the whole time I'm there, and I watch the clock for quitting time. I'm not cut out for this kind of work, too sensitive I guess.

Next time you're unhappy with something, stop and think before you let loose on the customer service representative. That person doesn't make policy, that person doesn't make decisions about the way business is done and they do have set parameters they're allowed to work within, all that person does is help you with your account and answers your questions. That's it. So, next time you feel justified in reaming the CSR, keep that in mind and bite your tongue. We're people too and we don't deserve to be cursed at, verbally attacked, threatened, or to have our personal integrity called into question. We're just doing our jobs so we can make a living just like everyone else.

Busyness

Summer term started this week and wow, busy, busy, busy is the word of the day, of the week, of the next two months. I thought I'd have it easy with the online class. I thought wrong. Loads of reading, mandatory discussion board participation, reports to write, and PowerPoint presentations to create. I'll be SO happy when this term is over. I barely have time to check my regular e-mail right now, forget e-mail lists, blogging is going to be down to once a week, if that. I do need to start scheduling time for exercise, I think it'll help with the energy issue that I seem to be running into; I don't have much of it.

As busy as I was I discovered something this week. I dislike pubic hair on myself, I almost feel ugly when I haven't done my usual shaving. I made time to groom myself on Friday and since then I've felt sexier. I find it kind of ironic because just a few years ago I hated shaving my pubic hair, I itched, it was uncomfortable, felt so self-conscious about it, I thought it looked awful. Master's insistence on my being bare has given me one less thing to hide behind. It seems like every time I turn around something that I once hid behind has been taken from me and it's not the negative thing I might have once felt it to be.

So there's my bit of introspection.. it isn't earth shattering or anything like that but it is important nonetheless. I'll never be a finished product, I don't think any of us will be, but I'm looking forward to see what I am the next time I stop and look back at what I was.

Sunshiney Day

Well, okay it's not really sunshiney out, more like partly cloudy really but I'm feeling a lot more positive today. Master read my thoughts, read the e-mails I sent him where I poured my guts out, and we're making strides to reclaim our intimacy. It's been a good week so far, despite the lovely head cold I seem to have come down with.

However, this weekend will be tough, he's working the entire weekend, including Monday, and I'm going to visit the Tribe for the weekend. It'll feel strange being there without him but I really do need to get out for a bit, get away from home and get out of my usual stuck-in-a-rut routine. It's hard though, I want to be here for him, to greet him when he gets home from work, to just be with him even if all we're doing is sleeping in bed together.

My classes start up again Tuesday and I'm both excited about and dreading them. I'm as prepared as I'm going to be, the books are ordered and should be here by Wednesday at the latest. It's going to be a grueling schedule on Tuesdays and Thursdays, I will leave here by 8 a.m. and won't get home again until 8:30 p.m. I don't know how I'll cope yet, I'm going to have to figure out a way to bring lunches with me because eating in the cafeteria twice a week just doesn't seem practical. I have a lot of concerns about this term but I'm trying to take everything one day, and sometimes one moment, at a time. It'll all be worth it in the end, it has to be. It's do or die right now, either I do it and make it through these next two terms or I quit school and content myself with working customer service the rest of my life. Since I really, really, hate customer service work, quitting school isn't an option for me.

My surgeon's office isn't far from the auditorium where the college holds their commencement ceremonies. On Tuesday, while visiting the surgeon, I was in a room that had a view of that auditorium. While I waited for the surgeon to come in I stared out the window at the auditorium thinking, "Next year, we'll be there, I'll be graduating". That's what's motivating me now. Graduation, it's the prize that I'm bound and determined to win. I can't wait to walk that stage with my friends and loved ones watching and cheering me on.

Knocking on Depression's Door

It's been a difficult year and an even more difficult few months.

I found out yesterday that the lump under the incision site, or alien as I've come to call it, is normal. The doctor assures me that it will soften in time and will stop hurting. At this point all I have is his word and I have to trust that he knows what he's talking about. He didn't seem surprised by the alien nor by the pain so that's a point in favor of trusting him.

Until it does soften and finish healing I'm stuck wearing stretchy exercise type pants that don't squeeze my belly. I can't wait til I can wear "real" pants again.

I've been struggling a LOT with my slavery, with myself, with my life. I'm worn out, rubbed raw, vulnerable. I don't feel like a woman right now and I'm fighting to get that back but it's hard to do on my own. I need people to treat me like a woman, I need to feel wanted, desirable.

It feels like Master and I have lost a lot of the intimacy we once had. My working evenings has really created distance between us. Sex during the week consists mainly of me giving him an orgasm when he's not too tired to ask for it and when I don't demure because I'm feeling pissy because he doesn't want to f*ck me. Sex on the weekends is hit or miss, sometimes it's good, sometimes it's not, and sometimes it starts out good but fizzles out for one reason or another. It's no one's fault. It's what happens when two people who need to interact the way we do are forced to interact as independent entities due to circumstances. That's my theory anyway.

Instead of getting closer, leaning on each other, it feels like we've withdrawn into ourselves. Or maybe it's just me. I know I've pulled back, I haven't been telling Master everything that's been bothering me. Instead I've been trying to just cope, to gut it out. I'm almost done with school, I can do this and I'm the one that created this situation anyway so I shouldn't whine about it.

This isn't a complaint about the way he wants to have sex, it's his right and one that I've acknowledged and consented to as his slave. I'm just struggling with it, as I'm struggling with everything else.

It's just a jumble of thoughts and feelings that need to get out in print instead of meandering around in my head. I'm trying to make peace with it all, trying to reclaim what I had, what I still want.

I Owe, I owe, it's back to work I go!

Today marks two weeks exactly from surgery and I'm feeling better. Well enough to go to work. Well, I'm going back to work whether I feel up to it or not but today I feel peppier than I have been feeling. I was feeling so peppy I did a load of dishes, a couple of loads of laundry and scrubbed the shower walls. I'm definitely feeling more like my old self. Now if that lump would just go away I'd be happy. If it's still there next week I'll have something to talk to the surgeon about. Hopefully it's something that will go away and sooner rather than later.

Beginning next week Master and I are going to do a sugar/sweets detox. I'm looking forward to it and dreading it at the same time. I'm such a sugar addict that it's going to be hard to give it up. Thankfully we'll still have dessert every now and then, it'll just be low cal/low fat stuff. We've been out of control for the past few months with the sweets. With all the crap that's been going on neither of us has really put much effort into watching what we eat. It's so easy to just not care and let loose when life gets stressful. I'm going to talk to my sister about joining her on her walks a couple of times a week too. I need to get into better shape but I'm not ready to go nuts with the exercise right now. I'm still easily tired and I still get belly aches if I do too much.

I had a really nice Mother's Day, Master and the kids really did their best to make it so. He and HRS cooked breakfast for the family and he bought my very favorite Tropicana orange juice to have with breakfast. When we went shopping to get gifts for our mothers he and HRS tried to be sneaky and bought me a lovely little lemon bar scented candle that smells absolutely delicious. Then we went out to dinner, just Master, HRS, and me. It was fun, we usually do have a lot of fun together.

I'm going to miss spending time with my family. I miss being here to help Master with the cooking and getting the kids to and from wherever they need to go. I'm so glad I'm nearly finished with school. Not much longer now right?

Sometimes it just plain sucks

Sometimes being a slave isn't much fun. Especially when there's something you want to do and Master puts his foot down. It's for my own good, I know that but it's still disappointing.

There's an Asian festival tomorrow (Saturday) that I really, really, really, wanted to go to. It celebrates Asian cultures, Japanese among them, and there were displays and shows that I was really excited about seeing. But, Master is right, it'd probably be too much for me and since I'm going back to work Monday I need to take it easy so I'm able.

However; knowing that doesn't make it any easier to accept, especially when you've been either sick, sore, or recovering from something for the past month and a half and you've been cooped up at home nearly the entire time. I've got cabin fever and no way out. Sometimes I feel like I'm imprisoned here by my own body, my own health (or lack thereof) and it's driving me absolutely bonkers. It doesn't matter that my prison is comfortable and has all the amenities, a prison is still a prison.

He's not being a bad guy and he's not being mean or even arbitrary, he's following rule #1. Take care of the property. He's got a lot more sense than I have. I'd attempt to go, if it were up to me, and suffer the consequences later. And of course later I'd be cursing my stupidity.

So, I sit here and try to find things to entertain myself. Maybe he'll allow a short trip to the craft store so I can pick up a few items to work on my latest craft obsession, decorative hair sticks. That would be lovely, I haven't had the time to do craftwork for quite a while and it really fills me with a sense of peace when I'm creating something. Plus, I'd have some pretty things to put my hair up with and that's always a bonus.

Good Days

Today is one of my better days. I'm feeling a bit peppier and a bit less sore than I was yesterday. I still get worn out fairly easily, that will take time to improve I'm sure, but I'm feeling more, hrm.. energetic? I cleaned the tub today and shaved my legs before having a nice shower. I think having my legs shaved is helping my attitude believe it or not. And maybe in another week I can go back to my usual "shave everything below the neck" routine and will feel even better.

Last night Master decided to give us both a bit of pleasure and gave me my first orgasm in about a month. It took a bit of work to not think about the belly lump and I had to force myself to not even look down for fear of glancing at it and the negative feelings starting. It's really affecting my self-image quite a bit. It feels to me like a huge blinking sign on an area of my body that I already dislike.

It was nice to reconnect with Master last night. I've missed it quite a bit. I don't know why but when sex is suspended due to illness, or surgery, I tend to feel like I've lost my sexuality and once sex is resumed it's like a symbol that all is well and "normal".

I'm feeling ready to get out and DO something. But, I was being a bit overly ambitious yesterday when I suggested we go to a festival being held tomorrow. Master pointed out that it would involve a whole lot of walking and standing, both things that still take it out of me. So, no festival. But, maybe there's still something we can find to do. I just need to get back to living in short order.

Healing

I haven't had a lot to say lately. Mostly I've been sitting around quietly moldering while reading books I have checked out from the library. I'm healing, it seems to be going fairly well. I'm fine if I don't do too much. Too much includes 20 minute trips to the store right now.

I'm sore and not inclined to go for long hikes. I'm alternately sleeping a lot and not sleeping well. So goes the healing process.

I finished spring term with Bs, I'm really pleased about that. Of course my perfectionist side is saying I could have done better, but I'll take a B over a C any day.

There's not much to say about the M/s side of things right now, Master is still stressed about work and I'm not exactly in working order. I've been serving him some, as much as I'm able and sometimes a little more just because.

I'm dying for a little sexual connection, it feels like we're living in a suspended reality where everything is the same but not quite. Sudden illness and surgery will do that to a relationship. Up until yesterday morning I hadn't had any real sexual desire. Then it all began with a very strange dream. In the dream Master was cruel, treated me like a boy complete with sex in the way males have sex with each other, he used me without regard to my desires. It was the hottest "wet dream", minus the orgasm, I've had in quite a while. I don't know why but being used for his pleasure, even cruelly, pushes my buttons. When I woke up from the dream it was almost as if it had really happened, it felt as if he'd really been inside me and I was wet with arousal.

But, here back in suspended reality world, I convalesce and do my best to help him relax away from the stresses of work, share his indignation at the b.s. going on there, and try to be as useful as I can since I'm off work til next week.

Time On My Hands

Since the surgery I've had nothing but time. Time to sleep, time to think, time to read, time to go nuts with inactivity.

It's interesting that whenever I have nothing else to focus on my attention reverts to my slavery and ways to improve my service and how deeply I feel my position.

Yesterday I spent time at the Butchmann's Academy web site reading about their weekend intensives. Some of the universal protocol for all s-types, while attending Butchmann's, is very appealing to me. So appealing that I've asked Master and the rest of our Tribe about hosting a play party that would include more formal protocol between s-types and d-types. Do I think Master and I could live a more formal style of M/s? Not really, we're very informal people but to quote Master, "It's nice to visit that place every now and then" and I'm really craving a visit.

I've been giving some thought to giving a little bit of control back to M, going back to more of a power exchange relationship with him than the equal relationship we've had for a while now. I don't know if I will or if I can. Can I trust him this time? Will he dent my trust again or will he keep the open communication with me that we've had for the past month or so? Maybe we'll start slow, with baby steps.

I'm willing to go back to the way we used to do things, the ritual we'd do before we played, wearing his collar while with him. I might even be willing to wear his bracelet again, provided Master is OK with it. I feel a very strong need to submit and to serve right now. Maybe it's due, in part, to feeling out of control regarding my health. When this feeling comes over me it tends to encompass all the people in my life. I want to serve them all to the best of my ability. Actually, it makes me want to do nothing but serve them. Sometimes daily life puts a cramp in my lifestyle.

But, I'm trying to be a little more conscious of my behavior and not letting my disappointment at not being able to do this, or go to that party, affect my behavior or moods. I know I had a little bit of a pout earlier when Master told me we wouldn't be able to attend a play party at the end of this month and I'm sorry I did it. I'm trying to jolly myself up, maybe when I'm feeling better we can send the kids to a movie and have some play time here at home. If not, there's still the formal protocol party to plan and look forward to as long as the rest of the Tribe are amenable to the idea.

Home Again, Home Again, Jiggety Jig

Well, it's been interesting around here. Yesterday morning I woke up with terrible lower abdominal pain and a low grade fever. After about an hour and a half of waiting to see if I was going to feel better, I called Master who ordered me to get LMR out of bed and have her drive me to the urgent care clinic ASAP.

I was thinking it was something to do with the ablation, he was thinking appendix. So, we got to the clinic, waited a half hour to get in to be seen (not bad really for walk-in), then spent an hour in the room waiting for the doc to decide what was wrong. After she found that my white count was high she sent me to the ER to see a surgeon and possibly have a CT scan to get a look at my insides. We got to the ER at about 11 a.m. and saw the surgical resident who seemed sure that it was my appendix. We, LMR and I, sat there for a good long while waiting for the attending surgeon to arrive and examine me. Despite being unable to pinpoint an exact location for my belly pain the attending surgeon decided it was definitely my appendix and said they'd work me in for an emergency appendectomy.

Master arrived at around 1 something in the afternoon, he and LMR ran home so she could be here to do her thing and so he could get cleaned up and come back to be with me.

Finally, around 6 p.m. they got me in for surgery. Master says the surgeon told him my appendix was "hot" and further explained that it was inflamed and definitely *had* to come out. Luckily it hadn't burst and I'm glad I did go to the doctor as quickly as I did.

When they wheeled me out of recovery Master and m'Lady were there waiting for me and sat with me once the nurses got me settled. It was nice to have them there with me, comforting.

I spent a very miserable night in the hospital. It was a laparoscopic procedure but still hurts like mad. But, I was a game and managed to sit up on the side of my bed for a few minutes and even stand, then a few hours later, got up and went for a mini-walk. Today I'm feeling better, though still sore and moving very slow. I'm at home now and very happy to be so. Never, ever go to a hospital if you want to sleep. *wry grins*

It was a scary experience and the seriousness of it didn't really hit me until after I called HRS to talk with her before they took me to surgery. I wanted to talk to her so that I could tell her I loved her, just in case. I'd already spoken to LMR and ZBoy and told them I loved them. I didn't want something to go wrong and have my last conversation with HRS to have been my shooing her out the door for school.

I've never really had "emergency" surgery. I don't like being sick like that, for the record I don't want to have another surgery for a long, long, long, loooooong time. Experiences like this that really put life into perspective. I'm very thankful to be alive and on the mend and thankful I have such a wonderful Master who is taking such good care of me. He's been very good to me, making sure I don't over do things and insisting that I rest.

So, I'm working on healing, again and am hoping beyond hope that this is the last surgery I have, at least for this year. A surgery a month is WAY too much if you ask me.

Feral

I wasn't aroused last night but he was. We went up to bed last night, I went into the bathroom to pee and came back out to Master sitting on my side of the bed with an enormous erection that instantly comanded my attention.

He wanted me to kneel on the floor in front of him but I was in a little too much pain last night so I asked if I could do something other than kneel. He offered to lay on the bed which allows me to lay across the bed. I crawled onto the bed and laid down on my belly with my head near his cock. I gave it a few licks and sucked for a while then started stroking it with my hand. Soft and slow with a very loose grip, a technique that is sure to drive him mad with lust. I stroked his cock as if I had all the time in the world and his orgasm wasn't the goal. I was enjoying the grunts and moans issuing from his lips. There's nothing like happy sounds to get me interested in the task at hand. (no pun intended)

He wanted to lie there and enjoy the handjob but it was almost more than he could take and he decided to f*ck me. He got up and walked around the bed while I knelt up on all fours for him. We don't do this often as it's not his favorite position. Interestingly enough he seemed to enjoy it quite a bit last night. I have to say, despite not being terribly aroused, it felt very good to have his cock inside me. Doggie is one of my favorite positions because he can get very deep that way, deep enough to hit my cervix and hurt just a little bit. That, for me, is the definition of hurts so good. The whole time he's grunting and growling like a feral beast.

It wasn't long before he was ready to move to his favorite position... me lying on my left side with knees bent as if I were sitting and him kneeling behind me. Okay, so I like this position too because he hits a certain spot inside and it makes me smile. When he thrust into me the first time it was with a growl, like a wild animal taking possession of that which is his. I love, love, love it when he f*cks me like that, when he's so aroused and so into it that he can't help but grunt and groan and cling to me with such possessive heat.

While he f*cked me he reached down and grabbed one of my labia and pulled on it, using it almost like a handle to pull me towards him while he thrust into me. It hurts, can't eroticize it, but he enjoys that look of pain on my face and it sends him into a very primal space and it just keeps the whole feral/wild animal sex going which makes the pain bearable.

After he came we cleaned up and his cock was still hard as stone. Too bad he was tired 'else I might have begged him to use it again. As it is, he went to sleep and I read a book for a while. I found myself playing with my nipple while I read and started to get aroused so I decided to take things in hand. I grabbed my buzzy toy and worked myself toward an orgasm. It took a while, as it always has ever since the surgery, but I got there finally and the noise I made woke him up enough to stroke my shoulder and tell me he loved me. I really tried to keep it quiet and to be as still as possible but sometimes, well, you know, it's just impossible.

I wonder if he knows what it was that woke him up last night? I'll find out tonight when he gets home. He went out early this morning to go fishing with his friend from work. I don't know why but I'm always embarrassed when he "catches" me at masturbation. It's silly, but I feel like I've been caught doing something naughty even though that's not the case. Master hasn't had me on orgasm denial for a long, long, long time. Still, it feels naughty when he "catches" me. But, that can be fun all on its own because then he teases me about it and well, it turns him on to know I've been masturbating sooooo it can lead to some fun sex.

No Brainer

This is to be filed under "what the heck was I thinking?!" I went to see Silent Hill with my sister last night and I think it was a mistake. I'm still haunted by the creepy images burned into my brain. There are certain things in movies that will creep me out, make a spooky character move in a way no human could or should move and you're sure to have my skin crawling and have me peeking from between my fingers. Don't ask why, I can't explain it, it's just one of the things that peg my freakoutometer.

I know this about myself, yet I still go to see these kinds of movies. I ask myself, "Self, why do we do these sorts of things?" Myself never really answers me back, that'd make me crazy wouldn't it? Anyway, the movie is creepy, good story but creepy movie. I was skittish the whole drive home and didn't feel even a teeny bit better til I got home and curled up on the couch to watch the last 20 minutes or so of The Incredibles. Kids' movies are my comfort, they soothe me when I'm scared, upset, whatever.

I had a few bad dreams when I went to bed, woke up with a start thinking someone had whispered to me, then forced myself to roll over and go back to sleep. Today I'm still having random images from the movie flit through my mind at the oddest times. While my eyes were closed as I shampooed my hair, the creepy crawly moving guy scooted on his way. It took a lot to keep my eyes closed at that point.. I wanted to "change the channel" and opening my eyes is the best way to do so.

I know, it's silly for a grown woman to be scared or creeped out to this extent by a movie but I am. Master will probably read this and shake his head, he knows this about me and mutely watches as I perform these masochistic acts over and over again.

Now I'll go to work and regale my co-workers with little stories about the movie in the hopes of exorcising whatever demon it has become in my mind.

Hormone Blitz

I should have this warning label attached to my person, perhaps glued to my forehead.

I thought I'd managed to escape it. I thought that since I wasn't feeling weepy all the time that my hormones were just fine and dandy. I thought wrong. The last few days have shown me that my hormones are indeed, out of whack. Every cross word Master has said, even words that aren't intended to be cross, feel like personal insults and my feelings get hurt.

The night before it was his tone when he said I couldn't see a movie on a weeknight. I was nearly in tears over it because it felt like he was being mean to me for no good reason. Then last night it was something he said that wasn't nice. He'd done a huge favor for me that turned out to be a huge hassle and he said, jokingly, that he'd been thinking to himself that I wouldn't do anything like that for him. That really hurt my feelings. It felt like he was discounting everything I've ever done for him and that he had a low opinion of me. I got so upset over it and couldn't control the feelings. I even tried to relax and let it go. I was in the car on the way home, the conversation was on my cell phone, I turned on classical music and tried a few deep breaths. It didn't help. We did talk and resolve this situation, he said he could see how what he said would feel hurtful and apologized for it.

In the light of day it all seems so silly. Why get so upset over small things like that? I don't normally get that upset. I know this is hormonal and not me, I'm feeling pretty blue today and don't have any real reason to feel that way. I had a good day yesterday, found out that working from home is a distinct possibility instead of just an eventual possibility. I visited a sort of local hospital that has an in-house and at-home transcription department. I wouldn't even have to live locally to work for them, I think I wouldn't even have to move to work for them. The lady in charge of the department seems really great, I instantly liked her and could see myself working for her.

So, I'm trying to ride the hormones out and hoping I still have a Master and husband when it's all said and done. I hate being like this and I'm sure I'm making him miserable. I just can't seem to help it. The feelings jump up at me and overtake me before I know what's going on. I was in a good mood last night, I'd had a great night at work, and in an instant I was upset and hurt. I want to try to be conscious of what's going on, try to take a few deep breaths before I open my mouth, it just doesn't seem like there's time between the emotion hitting my brain and the words/reaction spilling out.

Can someone explain why hormones get so wacky after a procedure that has nothing to do with the ovaries at all? I'm not the only woman this has happened to. On the EA discussion board numerous ladies talk about it. I didn't believe it, didn't think it'd happen to me, and actually thought it hadn't happened. Sometimes all I can do is sit here thinking WTF?!

And so it goes..

So, life is moving along. Master has taken to wiping me after I urinate, we're both enjoying it. It is a nice way to set aside some very specific Master/slave time. Of course, he also takes it as an opportunity to tease me sexually.

I've been off work for well over a week now, first due to the cramping pain I was having and now due to the pain patch. Last week the doc doubled my dose as I'd developed a tolerance to the lower dose. I'm having the devil's own time of getting accustomed to the new dose. It's left me dizzy and nauseated and now, with the Compazine they gave me for the nausea, I'm fighting to stay awake most of the time. It's not fun. The doctor is supposed to be considering lowering my dose to a midway point between the lower one and the one I'm on now. I just wish they'd call me back and get it started so I can get back to work.

Spring term at school is almost over and before I know it, I'm going to be graduating. I've decided that I definitely want to participate in the commencement ceremony next spring. This is a big accomplishment for me and I really want to celebrate it with my friends and family. I'd like to have a little party with cake and punch after the ceremony too. It will be my very first graduation, ever. I had to quit high school and get my GED so, this is pretty special to me. I just hope I can get through the ceremony without crying my eyes out.

We've been talking more about what comes next and we've also talked about Master finding a new job. We're both considering moving to another town for work. With the line of work Master is in, there aren't many companies here in town so he has to look in other towns. It's really hard to think about moving away from friends and family but I'm willing to do what's necessary in order for Master to be happy and to find job satisfaction.

I've been tagged by Miss Theresa so, without further ado...

20 years ago I...
1. lost my virginity
2. got my braces removed
3. had no idea that life could get a lot harder

10 years ago I...
1. quit smoking cigarettes
2. was about thirty pounds lighter
3. didn't think life would get any better

5 years ago I...
1. started going to college (yes I'm slow!)
2. was diagnosed with asthma
3. had my nipple pierced

3 years ago I...
1. began traveling the road toward M/s with Alan
2. had my world shattered
3. began putting the pieces back together again

1 year ago I...
1. started working in customer service
2. was sure the world would end because of it
3. learned that I was wrong

So far this past year I...
1. have stuck with the job
2. learned to live in spite of the obstacles in my way
3. found that I really like spankings

Yesterday I...
1. felt excited about the prospect of moving to another town for a job
2. got to spend some time with my family
3. urged HRS to read a book

Tomorrow I will...
1. take pictures of LMR and ZBoy before they go to prom with their dates
2. probably sniffle a little at how beautiful and grown-up they look
3. enjoy the quiet time with HRS and Master after the older two have left

In the next year I will...
1. graduate from college (yes, yes, still slow)
2. get healthier
3. see at least one of the older kids move out on their own

I won't tag anyone, if you'd like to do this let me know so I can come read your answers. :-)

Aftermath

Yesterday I had to face the music. He wasn't in a headspace to deal with me Saturday night, he felt it was just easier to let me do what I was set on doing rather than argue with me, which is what he thought would happen. I didn't want to argue, I just wanted him to be firm with me.

He sat down and read my journal and an e-mail I'd sent him while he slept. Then he turned to me and I knew the time had come. It wasn't easy to face because in the light of day, without all the emotions, I don't feel so brave, I feel silly and small. He wasn't angry with me, later he told me he can't be angry with me, or hold it against me, if I get frustrated with the way things are. However, that doesn't mean he can't hold me accountable for my behavior during those times.

He says I was being a brat, maybe I was. I wanted a reaction from him, preferably a dominant reaction. Inside I was screaming "Dom me dangit!" Maybe it'd go over better if I actually said those words instead of acting out.

We had a good talk, he reassured me, and asked me for ideas of how to keep the M/s alive while we're apart like we are. You're never really together when you're working opposite shifts. It's only going to get more intense in the next six months as I finish school. During the summer, two days every week I'll be gone from about 8 a.m. til 8:30 p.m., then in the fall I'll have my internship, one or two classes, and my evening job. It's going to get a lot harder before it gets easier.

Yesterday I didn't have any ideas, I needed to think a while. Today, I have a few ideas.

1.) Having to say a prayer, meditation, or affirmation daily to improve mindfulness of my position.

2.) Having to do an activity daily that reminds me of my position.

3.) Special greeting of Master when I get home from work such as going upstairs and kneeling nude in front of him, perhaps he could ask me "What are you?" and I would answer "Your slave." This is something he does with me when he wants to reinforce my position in my mind.

4.) An activity performed between us when I get home from work that would remind me of my position and would reassert his dominance of me. One thing he enjoys is not allowing me to wipe myself after I urinate, instead he does it for me. This makes me feel small and vulnerable and arouses him immensely.

5.) Submitting to a physical inspection.

I know that a couple of these ideas probably won't fit into our lives, but there are a few that would and I think they'd help us keep the M/s alive even when I can't be here to serve him and when he's too tired to be overtly dominant. I've also asked him for a permanent piece of jewelry, if he feels I deserve such a thing, to wear as a physical reminder of my place. Normally I don't think I "need" such a thing but I'm feeling very vulnerable just now.

All I know for certain is this, I feel happy, satisfied, and content when it feels like the M/s aspect of our relationship is more than just an idea in my head, something I write about, or dream about. I think it's the same for Master. He seemed so very happy and content yesterday after we hashed things out. He retook control, he expected me to serve him and allowed me to do so. He doled out a punishment he felt I'd earned, despite my disagreeing. Then we worked together too cook a sumptuous dinner that we shared together by candlelight in the dining room.

He told me afterwards that it's good that I packed the toys away, it makes the room look a bit less cluttered and they can be easily taken out and put back again. All of this was said with an evil chuckle and a glint in his eye.

Tired

Today has been a long day. Not a good one. Things have been said, disappointments have been felt.

I'm just tired. Tired of lack of lack of time, lack of energy, lack of effort despite the lack of time and energy. I'm tired of hoping only to be disappointed. I'm tired of waiting, and waiting, and waiting some more for the "right" moment.

I give up. We may as well be vanilla for all the kink and M/s in our day to day interactions. I feel like packing it all in and just giving up. Could I walk away from it? I don't know. I just know I'm tired of wanting and waiting only to be disappointed time and again.

I've packed the toys away, I'm tired of them sitting out where I can see them, collecting dust. What's the point of cleaning the dust off them anyway? They won't be used. Most of them are too noisy to use here, and let's be honest, even when we do have the rare night alone, we won't use them. Something will always come up to prevent us from playing, ruin the mood, something.

**EDIT**
I put it all away, the toys, the collar, all of it and he said nothing. He let me do it without comment, perhaps, without notice. That hurts. It makes me sad. Why won't he fight for what he wants? Does it mean he no longer wants this life with me?

Maybe he thinks I no longer want this life with him since I'm willing to pack things away. I don't know. I just can't go on like this. Either I'm slave or I'm not. All the time, not just every few months or so.

Today could have been such a good day. I woke up feeling 'lil, when I showered I shaved myself smooth for him, after the shower I rubbed my body with baby lotion. I felt playful, light, carefree. Then he continued treating me like his wife, didn't get into the playfulness, didn't hear the 'lil in my voice or didn't want to. So, I "grew up" and acted like his wife. Got the grocery shopping done and hoped that we'd have a nice evening together, there was a good possibility of having the house all to ourselves. We did have the house to ourselves but after certain things happened, certain moods changed, and words were exchanged, we spent the evening mostly on our own.

We made an attempt at play that just went horribly wrong. Neither of us was in the right frame of mind for it and neither of us was willing to make any other attempts after the first failure. We've really failed at this. That's how I feel right now. Like a failure. Who was I kidding? Maybe all I've ever been is a masochistic bottom with a slight bent for service. I feel like crap tonight and I can't seem to get sleepy. We're barely speaking, it's so uncomfortable here. I feel as if there's some huge canyon that's opened up between us and I can't seem to bridge the gap.

Satisfaction in Service

Over the past month I've found myself more and more focused on doing things that will please A, things that will make him feel good. I feel driven to it in a way that I haven't really felt before. I don't know if it's due to the limited time we have together or if it's just a shift in attitude. Whatever it is, it almost feels like obsession.

I think about it quite a bit and find myself asking him quite often if things I've done are satisfying.

On the weekends I've been serving him his dinner again, when he'll let me. And last night, though I stayed home with pain, I made sure to fix and serve his dinner to him. I treasure the moments in which I can physically serve him. I think I took it for granted before, didn't value the service I was able to provide as I should have. I think I've mentioned before that I'm slow to catch on sometimes? Well, so I'm finally picking up on a lesson that has been nearly a year in teaching.

Gads, I almost feel like a giddy little girl being given a treat when I get to serve him. I can't help but smile when I bring him a drink or his dinner.

I think one of the reasons (besides the obvious) that I've been so hmm, anxious about the ban on vaginal sex is that I see keeping him as sexually satisfied as I can as part of my service to him. It's another thing I was taking for granted too. Bad slave, I know.

I realized last night that the ban has really forced us to learn to connect in other ways. In the past we didn't make time very often to really touch each other or enjoy what we were doing. We were both focused on the end result; orgasm. Lately we've been focusing on pleasure more often than orgasm. Last night he spent quite a while teasing both of us into a frenzy. That's what happens when you get a Sadomasochist, he wants to torment you but ends up tormenting himself in the process. *chuckling* We tried something a little different last night too that seems to be a LOT more satisfying for both of us. I feel elated at being able to satisfy him again.

Just Fooling Around

Sometimes I wonder if Master and I are just torturing ourselves with the fooling around we've been doing. It always ends with an orgasm for him and maybe one for me. But, I'm here to tell you, an orgasm isn't the be all and end all of sex.

We're both champing at the bit to return to penetrative sex. I'm of two minds about the whole sex issue. I'm frustrated by the imposed abstinence but the fooling around increases my frustration. I almost think it'd be easier for me if we didn't even broach the topic of any sort of sex. I even suggested he find someone else to have sex with while I heal. He looked at me as if I'd grown two heads.

The truth is, I probably wouldn't be happy if we didn't even fool around. I can't help wanting to touch him and be touched by him in return. I love the sounds he makes when I'm giving him a hand-job or a blow-job, and the glazed look in his eyes afterwards makes my day.

Tonight I got to Top him a little and got to dole out a little SM wickedness before we dissolved into fooling around and mutual orgasms. He's been out of sorts for the past few days and I hope the SM gave him a bit of stress relief. It was good for me, that's for sure, for a little while it took my mind of the wicked cramps I've been having. It also let me know that some things aren't going to change, I still get wetter than Niagara Falls when I Top. *G*

I hope the next month sails by before we know it.

Blue

The weather is gorgeous outside, the air smells of life and growing things, and the sun is bright. Yet, I feel sort of blue this morning. It could be hormones, I'm told that they can go crazy after surgery. But I think it's more that I'm going back to work tonight and I'm going to miss spending my evenings with Master, helping him cook dinner, chatting, even just watching TV.

It's not forever, I have to remind myself of that. It's just that the little break we've had, it reminded me of what I've been missing. I was accustomed to our schedules, accustomed to not being here. I missed being here but it was OK, it was part of my schedule. Now, it feels like I'm going to have to get accustomed to it all over again. Sounds selfish doesn't it? Not wanting to work so I can be with Master.

I just miss him, I miss the life we had and this past week I got a little taste of how it used to be and I'm jonesing for more. I want to be DONE with school, I want to work during the day when Master does so I can be with him in the evenings, and most importantly I want it NOW. I don't want to go back to the way we've been. Neither of us with enough energy to carry on much of a conversation much less any sort of significant intimacy. Spending only an hour and a half together before we both fall into bed to sleep and start the whole cycle over again the next day. Weekends spent recovering our energy for the next work-week, sometimes both of us so tired and worn out that we're just cranky and snapping at each other.

I'm trying to throw myself back into work and school, hoping to lose myself in them so I don't miss the other life so much, the one I really want. I don't want to go back to being alone and doing my own thing. I want to be with him doing his thing! I want to be here waiting for him to greet him at the door with a smile. I want to follow him upstairs and chat while he unwinds from the work day. I want to sit with him while he showers and then maybe cuddle for a few moments before he takes a nap. I want to be here doing something and have him interrupt whatever I'm doing and ask me to get him a drink. It's ironic, the things we take for granted.

Stronger

Every day I feel a little more improved, stronger. Sunday night and Monday, however, were a bit of a setback as I began to have more abdominal pain instead of less. It wasn't until it started feeling like my bladder was spasming that I realized it was probably a bladder infection and took appropriate measures. Since doing so things seem to be calming down nicely.

I took yesterday and today off work so I can continue to rest and heal with the firm plan to go back tomorrow. My supervisor seemed to be very understanding but then again, she gets paid the big bucks to sound that way. *chuckles* Either way, I'm not going to fret over whether or not it's okay that I've taken this time. I need it and that's that.

It's been a little frustrating in that I'd dearly love to take a bubble bath but that's on the no-no list for another few weeks at least. Why is it when I can't do things I want to do them most? Always contrary, that's me.

Master has been really great through all of this, I think he was probably worried too but didn't talk about it. It seems like he's needed recovery time after my surgery almost as much as I have.

Overall the experience has been a good one. I think I'll always be nervous about surgery, specifically about anesthesia but I don't feel as afraid of it as I did last week. It could be argued that's due to me being on this side of the experience but I don't think that's entirely it. I've finally had an anesthetic experience that didn't feel as if I were being drowned. I've also learned to be more assertive with doctors and nurses. If I'm nervous I feel no shame in asking for something to settle me down. If that's what it takes to get me through then that's what I'll do.

We have about two to three weeks before we find out if the procedure will help at all with the heavy periods. I'm sure it will have taken care of the mid-cycle bleeding as the polyps were causing that. But, the heavy periods, the bane of my existence these last 12 years, that's what I'm most eager to be rid of. It's almost impossible to imagine what life would be like with lighter periods. How does the average woman with light periods buy personal products? That's something I'm hoping to learn. *smiles*

Firsts

Last night was a night of firsts. First post-op orgasm, first time Master has stuck a finger in my bottom in many, many moons. He keeps threatening to have more than a finger in my bottom before I'm cleared for vaginal sex again.

I hope he's just threatening, he keeps telling me that before the end of my healing I'm going to be so hungry for his cock inside me that I'll take it anywhere as long as I can have it. I keep telling him he's full of it, it's not going to happen but I'm afraid he's right. I'm afraid it's true. I've been so aroused, frisky, horny, since Wednesday and until last night, frustrated too. I'm still somewhat frustrated, the orgasm was good, excellent even but it wasn't all I needed. I need to be f*cked, I need to feel his cock deep inside me as he shudders through his orgasm, buried as far inside me as he can be. We're both aching for that I think.

Still, anal sex? Me? It's not as if I haven't done it before and actually enjoyed it once upon a time. But that was before. Before my digestive issues got as bad as they are. Before anal sex left me with an upset stomach. Sometimes I feel like an invalid, broken, dysfunctional. Blah!

Yet, the thought of all his attempts at persuasion and possible, eventual, success is titillating. For a few moments it would feel SO good. I know it would make him feel good, satisfied. But is it worth it? That's the million dollar question.

Last night I thought the post-orgasm cramps were worth the relief of sexual tension. Today, I'm not so sure. It's possible that I'm going to hurt anyway because I've been weaning myself off the pain meds somewhat. Can't function at work when you're doped up from pain meds and it certainly isn't safe to drive that way.

So, would the possible satisfaction we'd both feel if we have anal sex be worth the intestinal discomfort I'd have afterwards? I can't answer that but I have a feeling I will find that answer sooner rather than later. We're both very sexual people and this enforced abstinence is, well, difficult.