More on absolutes

I'm playing hooky from work today. I've had a tension headache for three days and my back hasn't been feeling too good. So, last night Master told me he thought it would be a good idea if I stayed home today and I did.

I feel a bit better this morning, there's still a ghost of the tension headache and my back aches a bit but all in all, the pains are improved. However, I feel guilty for not going to work despite the pain. I feel like the day's pay that I've missed is going to be missed and I feel like I'm letting my employer down. The project I've been working on is a hot ticket and needs to get done ASAP.

I feel guilty for taking care of myself.

I think that's what upsets me most about the absolutism discussion on the LE list. I could and would disregard my health and well-being for another as I've done in the past. In the past I didn't value myself as a human being and now it just feels natural to put others before myself. It feels wrong to do otherwise.

I'm concerned that people on the 's' side of the equation might be like I was and care nothing for themselves. I'm concerned that they'll get into an absolute M/s situation with someone who doesn't value their life either and that they will end up abused or worse.

I will concede the point that it is an M/s relationship, but I don't believe it's a healthy one. Being unhealthy doesn't negate it as an M/s relationship. Just like an abusive marriage doesn't negate its marriage status.

I'm lucky in the fact that my Master values me as a person and is concerned about my health and well-being. In the wrong hands, my guilt over putting myself before others, even when I'm ill, could be disastrous.

Someone on the LE list offered a different perspective on absolute M/s. The owner expects absolute obedience but also expects that the slave will take care of the owners possessions, which includes the slave.

Put in this light I am starting to get my head around the idea of responsible absolute M/s. I can even see some of it in Master's and my relationship. Master expects my absolute obedience if I am unwell or if a certain position hurts my back I am supposed to inform him and he will decide if I am too unwell to serve. In the case of my back he will forego the position that hurts because he doesn't want to further damage my back and he doesn't like to see me in that kind of pain. I can't just decide that I don't feel good and thus, not serve. But, if I'm lying in bed, delirious with fever he won't punish me because I am physically unable to serve. I think I can say with a certain amount of surety that this goes for being mentally unable to serve too.

{Being mentally unable to serve means that I'm in the grips of past or present mental trauma or that I'm having a serious panic/anxiety attack}

I still can't, or perhaps won't, understand the concept that it's somehow OK to maim or kill one's slave just because one can. This comes back to the whole irresponsibility issue for me.

Ultimately, I guess my Master could break my bones, remove my limbs, or maim me in some other way, or even kill me if he wanted to because I am his property. But, he won't because he is a responsible owner. I wouldn't have begged to be his slave if he weren't.

Absolutism in M/s

This topic has come up more than once on the LE list and each time it gets my hackles up. Yet, I remain silent. Why? Because others usually say what I'm thinking and it seems silly to "me too". One can only read the same thing over and over again before they begin to feel as if they're being bludgeoned with opinions.

So, I've saved my opinions for my journal.

I see absolute M/s relationships as a sort of ideal, something folks dream about or aspire to but never quite reach. I can't seem to get my head around how absolute M/s works with real life. Comments were made on the list to the effect that a slave's well-being comes second to the Master's wishes and that the Master may do whatever he/she wishes to do to the slave. Apparently this includes physical injury, mental harm, and even death.

I just can't understand how this absolutist view of M/s works with day to day life. What if the slave falls ill and is delirious with fever and simply cannot move and serve as expected? Surely the owner wouldn't punish this as a failure to serve? Yet, the way I understand the absolutist view, that would be the case.

Honestly, reading what the absolutists have to say, it sounds like they're saying it's OK to damage one's property simply because it's their right to do so. I violently disagree with this viewpoint, it seems very irresponsible to me.

I realize that there are those for whom this is appealing, for me, this is just plain scary. Granted, I have had moments of such total surrender that I would willingly give my life if that would please him. However, I think that type of surrender is possible because I trust that he won't take my life. He has demonstrated by word, and by deed, that he takes his responsibility very seriously.

I believe that when you take on responsibility for another life, be it human or animal, that responsibility includes caring for the health and well-being of that life. It does not include inflicting harm and the responsibility doesn't end when you've grown tired of it.

Obviously this is a subject I feel very strongly about. I just can't abide irresponsible ownership. Sometimes I get concerned that we'll all get painted with the absolutist brush. For instance, I wouldn't want my mother or my sister to get the idea that my Master would treat me irresponsibly just because we identify as M/s.

I think of D/s and M/s as a relationship or a partnership. It doesn't always include love but it does include responsibility for both parties. It is a power exchange, sometimes the power ebbs and flows depending on what day to day life is throwing at you.

Perhaps there is a responsible and ethical way to practice absolute M/s, I just haven't seen one presented yet.

Service

As the days passed and we got closer and closer to Saturday, to Christmas day, my focus became more and more narrow. Service became second nature; it flowed out of me as from an upended pitcher.

I've never felt more centered, or more right as I have for these last few days. Saturday I kicked into slave autopilot, I cleaned and prepared the house for our guests. I began cooking then, my focus was preparing a delicious meal for everyone. At one point during the cooking my mother wanted some almond bark pretzels, I was in the middle of cooking but told her "Just a second and I'll get you some." I quickly finished what I was doing and got a saucer and served her some of the pretzels. Then I got her something to drink. Seeing that she was satisfied I went back to work. It went like this for the rest of the evening, me cooking and taking a moment to get something for someone. I felt in my element, seeing to our guests' comfort.

During a lull in the activity Master wrapped his arm around me and told me I was doing a good job. It felt good to hear those words. There were a few wrinkles but I didn't let them ruin the day for me and neither did anyone else.
The cooking of the meal was a group effort, everyone helped out and together we made it great. The food tasted excellent but it was made even better by the company we shared it with.

Despite my worries and concerns, my mother behaved herself and even seemed happy to be here. The children all got along well until the very end when Little Miss Rain cloud (our oldest daughter) came back from a trip out with Master to drop of Zboy at his girlfriend's house to find that HRS (Her Royal Shortness) had the cousins in their bedroom playing and that one cousin had gotten into her things. Nothing was said until everyone had gone home and then LMR let loose with a torrent of anger at us and at HRS. I'm happy to say that with some space and a good night's sleep, LMR seems to have gotten over it and has made peace with HRS.

I'm still feeling very centered tonight. I feel as if I've further internalized my slavery. It feels more natural.

Saturday morning I was worried about serving Master in front of my family, but when it came down to it, I didn't hesitate and no one batted an eyelash. I could have chickened out; Master offered me an out by offering to fix his own plate. But I didn't want that, I wanted to serve my Master as I always do. I'm proud of being owned by him and I take a lot of pleasure in being able to serve him.

Sharing my blessings

"Unless we make Christmas an occasion to share our blessings, all the snow in Alaska won't make it 'white'."

-- Bing Crosby, singer

Isn't that the truth? Sharing our blessings is one of the reasons we get together with friends and family during this time of the year. But instead of counting and sharing our blessings we're grousing and focusing on that one horrible cousin that no one wants to sit next to because he doesn't cover his face when he coughs or sneezes, right onto your plate.

Or, in my case, focusing on a mentally ill mother and the misery she attempts to cause. I don't see her that often any more, I don't even speak to her much on the phone. We live in the same city yet we don't see each other. At least once a year we can count on seeing each other.

I want this year's get together to be a special treat, her first visit to our new home, and the first holiday that she doesn't have to worry about cleaning up after. She won't have people messing about in her kitchen, moving things and putting them back in the wrong spot. No, this year she'll have no worries other than an attempt to relax with seven grandchildren, on sugar highs, bouncing off the walls.

I've been thinking a lot about the holidays this week. I'm excited about seeing family and spending time with them. I'm excited about the shared laughter and even the shared frustrations when the kids drive us all up the wall.
It's the shared experiences I'm looking forward to, and the new memories that I plan to capture in pixels.

I know Master will likely spend most of the day upstairs, the crowd will get on his nerves. But despite that he's been gracious in allowing me to host this year's celebration. He did the bulk of the grocery shopping for Saturday's meal and went with me tonight to get the last few things we need. I'm a very lucky girl to belong to a Master such as he.

So, what blessings am I sharing with everyone? Family, despite our ups and downs we're pretty good as families go. Laughter, we know how to laugh and we know that laughter is the best medicine. Love, I have the good fortune of loving and being loved in return. Good food, we're fortunate to be able to afford the food we're going to cook and eat.

I wouldn't miss this for the world, even the pain and heartache I felt last month when the finances were so dire. Quoting the song that inspired the name for this journal...

"Yes my life is better left to chance, I could have missed the pain but I'd of had to miss the dance"--Garth Brooks The Dance--

Company doesn't like misery

I wish I had something witty to write but the truth is I'm just too tired to think of anything.

Master is working some really awful hours this week and I'm a bit wrung out from working. Somehow I'm going to manage to make some almond bark covered pretzels and almond bark candy before the weekend. I'm actually looking forward to it. There's something satisfying about cooking for others. The kids don't know it yet but I'm going to rope them into helping me make sugar cookie cut-outs.

It's almost Christmas and we finally got some snow. Just a little bit, and it's just right. I want it to stick around until Saturday and then Sunday it can go somewhere else. That would suit me just fine. Of course we know that Mother Nature will do as She pleases regardless of my little feelings on the issue.

I'm really looking forward to having family here this weekend. Well, everyone but my mother. I'm actually hoping she'll cancel on us. The last few times that we've spoken on the phone it's clear that her mood is just getting worse; she always nuts out around the holidays. I just wish she'd get a grip on herself. I can't remember a single holiday that she didn't pout, have a fit, go nutters, or in some other way, try to bring everyone down.

Still, I'm bound and determined to have a good holiday. I'm hoping that Mom will just cancel like she usually does. I hate the thought of her spending the holidays alone but better that than her upsetting the kids. I love my mother but the kids come first.

My holiday memories are happy ones for the most part, but through it all was my mother with her sulking and complaining. Now that my sister and I are grown her "tantrums" have gotten worse, one year she refused to come out of her room while we cooked dinner and almost didn't join us when it was served. I realize the woman is miserable but company doesn't like misery.

Even though I may whine sometimes about my little miseries I do realize that life is what I make of it and 99% of the time I'm happy and thankful for each day. My mother, she just doesn't get it yet and I wish she would.

Getting to know me

Something I haven't done here yet is a bio entry. It just never seemed important but as time has gone on and I've read more blogs, I realize, it's nice to know a little bit of background about the person whose inner thoughts you're reading.

So, without further ado and without any more gilding of the lily (gods I love that phrase!) here's all you never wanted to know about me and then some.

We'll start with stats and build from there:

Age: 33
Gender: Female
Birthdate: 8-7-71 (Yes I'm a Leo but not so's you'd notice)
Location: Iowa (there's more than cows and corn here, really)
Marital status: Married to my high school sweetheart.
Parental status: Mother to three very challenging and interesting personalities.

Interests and hobbies include: reading sci-fi and fantasy, watching movies, watching Anime, tormenting the kids, etching designs on glass and or airbrushing designs on glass with a bake-on enamel (no, it's not done freehand, I make stencils for it), making S&M toys for Master to use on me, writing fiction and non-fiction when the muse decides to pay a call, reading up on various forms of service to improve my own, participating in online and in person BDSM groups, leading a submissive's forum, listening to music and singing along with it (Hey, I took voice lessons I don't sound that bad). There's probably a ton of other stuff I haven't even thought to mention but that should give you something to go on.

I'm the eldest of two daughters; my sister is one of my favorite people though she probably doesn't know it. We both survived emotional and sexual abuse as kids and we both hold our mother responsible for it. Though I daresay I've gotten closer to forgiveness than my sister has.

Somehow, from a dysfunctional childhood, teenagehood, and early adulthood, I've managed, with the help of my Master, to piece together a good life.

Around six years ago I found the world of BDSM and found my niche as a submissive first and then as a slave. They're things I'd craved for a long time but couldn't admit to, not even to myself. It wasn't safe to give up control to a man, even the one I loved. Lots of tears and healing helped me feel safe enough to explore my submissive nature.

I've been described as being elemental and I think that's pretty accurate.

I belong to Alan, my Master and my love, and I am shared with my Lady Jaedyn. We're very close with my Lady Jaedyn and her boy and another M/s couple, the six of us make up what I call the Tribe. We're like family, the six of us.

Once upon a time I was collared to my first Dominant, Mark. Over time we developed a strong bond and we still stay in touch and spend time together when our schedules permit. I don't often write about Mark, I only see him about every 2-6 months now though we talk on the phone every few days.

My life has been a rocky road with lots of bumps, bruises, and a few cool scars to show for it. I'm not one to take the easy road, which would be too easy. I don't expect things will change.

So, that's me in a nutshell. I hope it wasn't too boring.

Service=doormat?

A fellow slave's journal entry prompted this stream of consciousness, I decided to journal about it so maybe I could stop thinking about it when I should be sleeping.

The entry listed things that I consider to be part and parcel of consensual slavery. But she looked at these things as making one a doormat. I had to stop and think, does slave behavior make me appear to be a doormat to others? Does giving up so much control to my Master make me appear to be a doormat? If so, then it's no wonder that so many folks have a hard time with acceptance from families and the Leather community in general.

I backed up a bit and I remembered how the idea of slavery squicked me beyond reason. I was never going to be one of those people; I wasn't going to give that kind of control to another person. I thought of slaves as doormats, taking whatever was dished out without making a peep of dissent.

The thing, with the articles we read online, is they're one dimensional. They don't talk about day to day life. A lot of the informational sites I've visited over the years focus only on the technical aspects of M/s, totally skipping the human factor.

Reading some of these things I can see how it might seem that, to be a good slave, one must become an automaton. However, it isn't true in my experience.

My Master loves and cherishes me as I do him. We tease and joke, that hasn't changed. The collar doesn't change who we are as people. Of course he's made some arbitrary decisions and he will continue to do so, that's his right. But he does let me voice my opinion and he often takes my opinion into consideration. We don't have a lot of rituals; actually I'm not sure we have any. His main expectations for my behavior are that I treat him with respect, that I obey, and that I serve him happily. Who wants an unhappy slave?

He doesn't expect that I'm going to like every decision he makes but he's not going to ask anything of me that will harm me. He takes good care of his property and that care extends to mental as well as physical health.

I think of these lists of slave behavior as goals. Most of us aren't going to achieve everything on these lists perfectly every day. I certainly don't but I continue to try.

Shopping spree

In the past 24 hours we have managed to begin and complete the Christmas shopping for seven children; our three and my sister's four. That's a lot of shopping for you who may not know.

For the most part the shopping was pleasant. Most of the shoppers we encountered were pleasant and polite except for the rude wench at Target who decided she was going to squeeze through the aisle with me and my cart on one side and a lady who was standing on the other side. She didn't fit without scraping her cart past mine. Did she bother smiling at me, saying 'excuse me' or 'I'm sorry'? Heck no, not a word did she mutter, mumble, or utter as she forced her way through. It wasn't as if she couldn't have, she had plenty of time to do so. Master and I were both just appalled at the lack of manners. I said, loudly enough for her to have heard "I just can't believe the lack of manners in some people." Perhaps I should have confronted her as she was muscling her way past. Given the woman's apparent age, I gave it up as a lost cause. If you don't have good manners by that age, you never will.

At our last stop, the huge new mall, I eyed the kid's play area thinking of how good kids have it these days. The only cool things kids had to play on in my day were escalators! Oh, and the animal play land at Richman Gordman. Stores would do well to have play lands for weary parents to take cranky children for a few moments of full out playing madness. Kids are much easier to shop with when they've had a moment to blow off some steam. Maybe that would work for the frazzled adult shoppers too, send them to play for a few minutes and they'll be a little nicer, a little more mannerly, and definitely less aggressive.

I'm looking forward to next weekend. I can't wait to see the happy grins as the kids unwrap their gifts. I really enjoy their enjoyment. It all starts with the covert inspections of the gifts as they lie under the tree. The older two joke about letting the ferrets run loose "Oops, look Sprite opened this present!" They throw guesses at us hoping they'll trip us up and we'll give something away. Then it culminates on Christmas morning as they open their gifts, their eyes light up, a slow grin spreads across their faces and squeals of delight gush out of their mouths. Yeah, that's happiness right there.

After we'd just bought a gift for the youngest, a gift that will end up being *the* gift in her eyes, I told Master we were going to get the Parents of the Year award for that gift. I chuckled then and said "No, it's not really about that, about scoring points... she's really going to love this and I can't wait to see how happy she will be." It's that simple.

During the course of our shopping Master and I came upon a beautiful nightie and robe set that would look so very sexy on me. It was fun watching him it was obvious he was picturing me wearing the nightie it was also obvious that he was enjoying what he was imagining. He's so cute when he does that. But don't tell him I said so, he always blushes when I comment about his cuteness.

Whee!

Today has been a day. That's the best way to describe it. I went back to work today and spent the first six hours doing nothing; absolutely nothing. They weren't ready for me so while they spent the day trying to get ready they sat me with the preppers so they'd have me on hand when/if they were ready.

In between the short conversations with the prep girls, I fought sleep. I'd be sitting there one minute and then jerking awake the next. I'm just thankful I didn't drool or snore. That would have been embarrassing, wouldn't it? Not that nodding off wasn't embarrassing.

By two o'clock they were FINALLY ready for me and I got to go sit in the indexing room all by myself and scan documents on the computer for quality control; more nodding off. I wondered, as I sat there, if they'd noticed if I took a nap. I had it all planned out, I'd sit upright and keep my hands on the keyboard and close my eyes. It was so tempting. Maybe I should try it tomorrow.

I am so happy to be home now and to have my shoes off. I really dislike having to wear shoes all day. Two things I'd like to see introduced into the workplace, scheduled naptimes and a no shoe policy. Except for the people with stinky feet, they'll have to keep their shoes on or wear numerous car deodorizers tied around their ankles. We live in an unfair world, what can I say?

Humility

Why has it been such a big deal to give the serviced I pledged almost a year ago?

I'd lost my focus, that's why. I was focusing on myself, my wants, my needs, me. I can be such a git sometimes.

I wrote to Master then we talked some, rather, he talked and I agreed with all he said. I haven't been holding up my end of our arrangement and I've made it seem like an imposition when he makes requests. I'm ashamed of my behavior and I'd like to make amends.

He mentioned possibly curtailing my computer time, or not allowing me to play computer games. Before our discussion I would have balked, even if only internally. Instead I felt pliant and open to him. He's right to take away privileges if that's his desire. He's still thinking about the course of action he wants to take. In a strange way, I hope he does take some of my privileges. It's not necessarily because I feel that I need to be punished, I need to feel his control of me and to be able to give myself up to it. I don't even know if that makes much sense to anyone but me.

Being a slave with kids in the home, day to day stresses, and a Master working monster over time isn't easy. I don't always feel very much like a slave at times like these.

I'd like to yell to the cosmos "Why?! Why must I always struggle?!" The answer would surely be a wry chuckle, a knowing chuckle, I know the answer and the cosmos knows I know.

Uncomfortably numb

The left half of my butt is numb as I sit here typing in the midnight silence. It's an odd feeling, having half of your butt go numb. I must say though it's not nearly as disconcerting has having half of your pink bits go numb; just one whole side, from mid-clit over...vertically not horizontally. What a rare treat that is.

I just got a whiff of the air and I realize it's time for the weasels' cage to be cleaned. Eww! They aren't very smelly unless the cage is let go too long or their baths are neglected. Ver and Sprite are our resident weasels, ferrets really but who's keeping track? They're as rambunctious as two-year-olds and just as apt to get into anything and everything and just as quickly too. Master says they stink, even when they and their cage is clean. I think he's imagining things, he doesn't like animals much.

Life seems to be plodding along rather sedately and that's suiting me just fine. The M/s has been somewhat understated, with my back and Master working as much OT as he can get, it's been difficult. As a result I've had a harder time minding my attitude. I actually snapped at Master last night, I don't know who took over my body but I swear it wasn't me. The same thing happened tonight. It was petty really.

Master had gone upstairs to watch television because he was letting me watch a program downstairs that he didn't much care for. I was thinking "Cool!" Then he yells down about the bedding, I'd washed it but hadn't gotten it upstairs onto the bed yet. He wanted me to have the short one bring it up to him so he could put it on the bed. For some odd reason, a wild hair or something, I took offense. I felt put out, here I was in the middle of this program I'd waited a month to see and he was letting me watch it and then he decides he needs the bedding?

I felt like he was needling me for not having the fresh bedding on the bed by saying he'd do it himself and in the same moment I was offended that he'd have to put the bedding on our bed when it was my job. (told ya it was petty)

I ended up, in a huff, bringing the bedding up to him and he took it, in a huff, to the bedroom and put it on the bed. I left well-enough alone, no sense in poking an angry bear when you're the thing that angered it in the first place.

He came downstairs later and I went to him in the kitchen and snuggled him and shared some nice soft kisses with him. It's a rarity for me to do that... I'm just not good with physical displays of affection. Have I mentioned the personal space issues? Stand within two feet of me and you've violated my personal bubble. It leaves me feeling decidedly uncomfortable. I've trained myself to be comfortable with frequent touches and hand holding. Yes, I know how bad it sounds that I have had to train myself to be comfortable with being touched by my husband and Master. I'm human and a screwed up one at that.

I realized, in the kitchen during the nice soft kisses, that I liked the nice soft kisses and I promptly asked for more and was rewarded with more. In general kisses bother me, my first introduction to adult kisses was a bad one. More was expected and taken without my consent and all done through the asking for a kiss. Ack! It's really a pain in the butt trying to overcome an aversion like this and not hurt your partner at the same time. "No Sir, it's not you, it's me." I worry that I've left him starved for affection and feeling less Masterly because of it.

I have these automatic fight or flight responses that turn into refusals. I'm a slave, right? No refusals allowed. Often I wish he'd just take what he wants, crashing through and tossing aside any of my weak refusals. I think though, if he has to take it from me, it isn't worth having for him. So, he allows me my refusals and I'm guessing, feeling less Masterly because of it. And I'm feeling less slave-like because of the allowance. Vicious cycle, yes?

How to fix it without causing more trauma? Just thinking about having something as simple as a kiss taken because he wants it makes me feel panicky inside. I'm starting to feel like a 50 foot perimeter might not be enough space for my personal bubble.

So, how does this tie in with all the snapping and feeling put upon? Personal space in the way of use of time. The time I'm allowed to watch a TV program becomes "my time" in my head and then is included in my personal bubble. Yeah, I'm warped, we know this. But that's how my brain works. It's not Master's time because he gave it to me, right? Faulty logic I know. It's never my time.

I don't know how this one will sort itself out; I hope Master has some good ideas.

Motherly love

Once again our oldest daughter has caught me off guard. Today it was with her girlish excitement and genuine affection for her boyfriend. She called from school to ask permission to spend time with him after school. Her excitement at the prospect was a palpable thing as she begged, "It's the first time he can do anything in like three weeks! Please! Please!" the 'pleases' were squeaked out. How could I say no to that? In truth, I have nothing pressing for her to do at home so I said yes with a clear conscience.

The sound of her voice brought a well of motherly love and adoration bubbling to the surface and I couldn't help chuckling a little. She's so endearing when she's open like this. Of course she can be equally difficult to like when she's in a mood. Can't we all?

I have such hopes for her, for all of them really. But she is the one I'm most worried about right now. She's got an amazing talent for drawing but no desire or motivation to nurture it or turn it into a career. I wish I had half her talent, she's truly amazing. Both Master and myself lavish praise on her about the quality of her work and then point out that she could have a really great career with a talent like that. I'm mindful that too much of that will grate on the nerves so I'm careful not to harp on the subject and I let it drop when she says "Eh" in response.

Today my heart is bursting over with happiness; I've been infected by her excitement.

We really have some amazing kids and I feel privileged to be their mother.

Motivation

"People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing . . . that's why we recommend it daily."

- Zig Ziglar, speaker and author

Questions to Ponder

Do I try to motivate myself?

I try to motivate myself in the beginning of any venture but end up running out of steam when things get difficult.


What can I do everyday to stay motivated?

Leave myself little reminders in key places like an inspirational note on the fridge or on a posty stuck to my monitor.

Make a list and make it part of my routine to do at least one thing on the list every day.

Enlist the help of one or two good friends to act as external motivation and support when my internal motivation is failing.

What else could I accomplish if I stayed motivated?

What couldn't I accomplish if I stayed motivated? I think that's the better question. If I can stay motivated the sky is the limit.

Human relations

Today was an exercise in restraint if nothing else. It was also a lesson in human interaction.

I had the displeasure of being thoroughly insulted, indirectly, as the result of a direct insult to my Lady. My immediate reaction was one of seething anger that was barely contained. My heart raced as I crafted a response in defense of my Lady's honor. I wanted desperately to verbally flay this knave in a way that was both eloquent and clever.

My first draft was little more than name calling, I was too angry and my emotions were in control. So I waited, and vented some of my anger as I chatted about the incident with my Lady. My second response was much nicer, more concise yet still quite stinging. Of course, my Lady's final response put mine to shame. Hers was the path of the moral high ground, refusing to respond to the knave in a public forum even though she was publicly attacked. Now we all know why I admire and adore her so. *grins*

My emotions have settled and I'm thinking rationally again and I've been mulling the situation over, and over, and over some more. I'm not over thinking it I swear!

However, I have to consider my participation in the entire situation. I know my Master was right when he pointed out that by getting angry with the knave (I really like that word!) I was giving him a certain control. Had I been thinking rationally I would have come to that conclusion myself.

It's kind of interesting to see how quickly and easily civility can be tossed aside when discussions turn to personal attacks. Maybe Master is right we, as a species, aren't so evolved that our civility can always win out over our animal instincts. I still maintain, however, that we are evolved enough that we can make a conscious choice to override the animal instincts no matter how powerful they are. It just takes a great degree of willpower.

I'm still indignant over the entire affair but I won't offer to meet him outside to settle things. In fact, I probably won't give him the time of day online or off from this point on.

Success! I think.

Today I had a visit with a pain management doc. At first I thought I was going to really dislike this person, I had an appointment at 12:15, arrived by noon because I knew I'd have paperwork to fill out. I didn't get in to see him until around 1:30.

I wasn't the only person with an excessive wait so I stayed calm and congenial. No sense in getting nasty when there's nothing to be done about it.

Finally I got back to see the doc, I spent a bit of time with the nurse first and then the doc breezed in. It was obvious that he was frazzled from working at a frantic pace. But he took time to listen to me and explained a few things to me, making sure I understood. He's definitely a take charge kind of guy, I can respect that. *grinning cheekily*

I had come prepared with a list of all the meds that have been tried and the physical therapy done. I think it pleased the doctor to have an organized patient, I swear I detected a note of delight in his voice when he asked if he could keep my list.

He explained that I'd be having a cortisone injection in the area that's giving me fits. Okay so far, teensy bit of anxiety over a needle in my spine, but okay. He also said he'd arrange for me to have a home e-stim unit, something of a modified TENS unit. I'm all for that, e-stim has been one of the only things to give me any sort of relief from the pain. He also explained that he'd be prescribing an anti-arthritic/anti-inflammatory medication for me to try. By the time Nurse Two came in to have me sign paperwork for the injection I was in a state of bemusement. To date, I had never had a doctor be so decisive about dealing with my back pain, nor so willing to help and not just throw pills at me as he told me to go away.

Nurse One came back in to lead me to the room where they were to do the actual procedure. I get into the room, check it out and listen as she explains the procedure. Once my belongings are settled, Nurse One (I really should learn her name) led me to the table and had me lie down on my belly. All the while she's explaining what will occur and what I can expect to feel. I thought I was calm and collected but as the automatic blood pressure cuff calculated my blood pressure it was very obvious that I was anxious. I went from 104/82 in the exam room to 140/92 in the procedure room. I began to do some deep breathing in hopes of relaxing myself. I don't really know if it worked because there were a couple of times during the procedure that Nurse One reminded me to relax and breathe slowly.

The actual procedure wasn't too horrible as these things go, I'd take an injection in my back over say, a gall bladder attack. No, I didn't mean to rhyme, really.

There was lots of pressure and odd sensations until he slipped the needle into the spot that my pain resides and comes from. I knew in that moment exactly where the pain was coming from. As he injected the medicine I wanted to crawl off the table and put an end to the odd and painful sensations. But, being the good girl I am, I held perfectly still and taking deep breaths.

Then BAM! It was over. Actually there was no BAM! He'd removed the needle and I had no idea he'd done it. Nurse One washed the Betadine off of my back, foul stuff that it is, and helped me cover my exposed bum and climb off the table. I stood next to the table holding onto it, I'm not quite sure what I expected to happen but I was prepared for anything. I'm happy to say I was disappointed, nothing happened. I fastened my jeans, put my shirt on and gathered my things with nothing more exciting than an odd "full and achy" sensation in my back.

A half hour later the story took a dramatic turn. The pain that Nurse One warned me about struck fiercely. Forty-five minutes later, I wasn't sure if I could continue the drive home. As I drove I made a mental note to be sure to head right home after the next injection, if there is a next injection.

Now, several hours post injection, the pain is down to manageable levels and I have real hope that I'll feel even better tomorrow, and even better than that by Sunday.

Within a week I'm supposed to return to doing the back exercises I learned in PT. I actually feel hopeful that this time things will work and I'll have some control over the pain.

On a lighter note

After the gloom and doom I decided to do something fun for today's post. The journal prompt question comes from Kindlings

3. When was the last time you had a mind shattering orgasm?

It's funny, in the past few months I've become less orgasm oriented than I once was. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy orgasms when I'm allowed to have them. It's just that I don't focus so much on my pleasure any more. I'm more concerned with Master's pleasure and if he decides that I can have an O, that's a bonus!

So, the last time I had a mind shattering orgasm... it was a couple of days ago, actually the night I had my meltdown. I wasn't sure I was going to be able to have one, considering the mood I was in.

Master started by having me lie down and he began stroking me and pulling my labia and then he reached for the Pocket Rocket. I felt a little apprehensive, it isn't easy for me to orgasm and it's even more difficult for someone else to bring me to orgasm. But, I tried to relax and enjoy the sensations as he rested the PR against my clit. It began to feel pretty good and I couldn't help but wiggle and moan. He then slid a couple of fingers inside and started hitting my Woo-Hoo spots. It felt wonderful and my hips started thrusting of their own volition. Eventually I had to take over the PR and it wasn't long before I felt the first tingle of impending orgasm.

It roared through me like a bolt of lightning and left me limp and drowsy afterwards. It was all I could do to smile my thanks to Master. All the stress and tension I'd been feeling was gone and in its place was a nice peaceful calm.

It could be worse

Last night I had a bit of a mini-meltdown. I was upset over the finances and the fact that we have just a wee bit over two weeks before Christmas, less until Yule, and I'm still not working. It's going to be extremely tight this year and I was fretting about being able to get gifts for the kids.

I don't feel like I have to get them things, I want to give them things. I want to surprise them and see the grins as they open their presents. I love that bit. I wanted to be able to surprise Master with a little something special too.

I nearly went off the deep end last night, first snapping at the youngest over something that ordinarily isn't a big deal and then practically having a fit when part of the pizza I was cooking decided to fall onto the heating element on the bottom of the oven where it burned and filled the house with the acrid stench of burned food. I wanted to drop to the floor and weep with frustration.

After the pizza disaster was averted Master ordered me to sit down and listen as he stood in front of me. "Everything is being blown out of proportion, stop it right now." I took a few deep breaths; my eyebrows knitted in frustration, and held my tongue.

He sat down next to me on the couch and proceeded to remind me that things could be worse. He's right, of course but I was wallowing in my misery and wasn't about to concede the point. "We're relatively healthy" he says. "Speak for yourself" says I, referring of course to my back. "You're not dead yet are you? I'm sure there are lots of folks dead in the ground that would gladly trade you places" says he.

Okay fine, who can argue with that logic? No matter how bad the pain gets or how much I might wish an end to the pain, I'm still alive and alive means a chance to improve one's circumstances. So I let the black mood go and tried to enjoy my mangled pizza dinner. That's the good thing about pizza, even mangled, it tastes good.

So the kids might not get that many gifts this year and I might not be able to get that special something for Master until after the first of the year, the world won't come to a screeching halt. We'll spend time together being a family and loving each other in the peculiar way that we do it.

Wonderland

I couldn't sleep so I stayed up and watched Wonderland tonight/this morning. The movie is a story about the porn actor John Holmes and his life after porn.

I tried watching it with Master on Saturday night but the portrayals of drug use and addiction hit too close to home for him and triggered some rather icky stuff, and that was only 15 minutes into the movie. After a different movie about drug addicts caused a bit of a mini-meltdown in him I watched him closely to see if this one would do the same. I'm glad he granted my request and changed the channel. Sometimes, when we come across things that trigger past experiences and negative emotions, we can't always act in our own best interests. We're sucked in and end up held hostage by our own traumas.
Master and I try to act as a lifeline for each other in those situations, the breath of fresh air that helps to clear the head and restores rational thinking.

So, back to the movie... it was disturbing and left me with a very strange, sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. Once upon a time in a galaxy far, far away, and long before we were ever Master and slave, Master and I were caught up in drug abuse and the lifestyle that goes with it. I remember how easy it was to get caught up in other people's drama which wouldn't be drama at all if the drugs weren't involved.

For whatever reason I didn't get as far into the drug abuse as I could have when I quit, yet I was still involved in the drug lifestyle for various reasons. The friends I had at the time were still doing it, Master was still doing it… I couldn't yet escape it entirely. As time wore on the friends fell to the wayside because I had less and less in common with them, we had nothing to talk about, and I think we were uncomfortable around each other.

Now back to the movie.... it reminded me of what I didn't like about myself when I was on drugs, it reminded me of what I didn't like about my druggie friends; the dishonesty, the depression and irritability when the buzz wore off, the irresponsibility, and the paranoia. Mind you, I'm not talking about recreational use, I'm talking about abuse, drug use to the point that it's no longer about having fun but because you need it.

There were good times, but mostly, I remember the bad and I feel the guilt. I made some really bad decisions.

I sat there watching the characters continue on, letting themselves get sucked into the black hole of drug abuse until they were beyond the point of no return. It was absolutely depressing. It could have easily been either one of us and I'm darn glad we emerged from it relatively unscathed. Not everyone is so lucky.

A great undertaking

Well after seeing that Lisa over at Lessons Learned and anissa at Life as His are participating in this year's Holidailies I've decided to jump in and give it a go.

I'm working on being a bit more disciplined and starting with my journaling might be a good way to go. After the holidays we'll work on the food issue.
So, from tomorrow until January 6th, I'm going to make daily journal entries. Wish me luck!

Deteriorating mood

I seem to be going from bad to worse in the mood department as the day and now night, progresses.

I'm trying very hard to keep myself upbeat and happy but it's not working. I can't count the times I've had to fight off impending tears. At one point this afternoon I lost the battle and Zboy saw me and wanted to comfort me. I had to reassure him that I was fine and that no, it wasn't his fault nor anything to do with him. We'd had a little disagreement minutes before so it makes sense that he'd feel like it was something to do with him. I hate when the kids see me like that.

I feel like I'm slipping into a bit of depression. It isn't unexpected with all the financial stress we've been having. Master can order me not to stress about the finances but it seems I can't obey.

I'm upset about my weight too; I've gained some in the last couple of months. I'm at my heaviest weight again and I feel helpless to change it. To make matters worse, a friend of ours stopped by tonight who had the gastric bypass surgery over the summer and she's so thin now. I'm happy for her but at the same time I'm jealous, envious, and sad for me. She looks so wonderful and I feel like this huge, dumpy, blob in comparison.

Sometimes I get so desperate to lose weight that I think I'd do just about anything to do it.

I've got to get out of this funk.

*$&*@^%*(^)@!

I'm so flipping fed up with temp agencies! I just called the one I work for and she knew in the middle of the week that the client she was going to send me to has put things on hold but didn't call me to let me know.

She *might* know something by Monday. I'm so frustrated and depressed I could cry. I just want to be able to get the kids some things for Christmas and to pay my bills, is that asking so very much? What did I do to deserve this ration of crap? I'm tired of struggling! It's not fair!

I so don't want to tell Master this latest news...I hate adding to his stress. :-(

Whirlwind

This past week has been something else. Things at Master's workplace keep deteriorating. Nothing seems to improve so he's looking elsewhere for work. The thing is, most likely, to get his foot in the door he'll have to work overnight for a while. I have major mixed feelings about this.

Master worked overnight while the kids were little; in fact he has only worked days for the past couple of years. I was miserable, our relationship was in trouble, it was like we lived separate lives, and I felt like a single parent. These things pop into my head every time I hear 'third shift' and I bristle defensively.

Our relationship is so good now and I want to protect that, I want to keep what we have. So, I respond defensively and nay say him working 'third shift'. It's not right that I do it but I can't help being scared of losing all the good we've accomplished. Logically I know he's not the same man he was then but emotionally, I'm gun shy.

As I listened to Master's reassurances last night and his reasons for needing to change employers, I did my best to put my emotions aside. I will support him no matter what decision he makes.

School is finished for the term, I took my final test last night and as far as I can tell, I did pretty well. I feel relieved to have it all finished. Now all I have to stress about is getting a flipping job to help out with X-mas. I get so frustrated with temp agencies, they take their own sweet time finding a person a job, not realizing that every day they take is one more day without much needed extra money for me. *sigh* What can I do but wait upon their leisure?

The grass is greener...

I've been feeling somewhat melancholy for the last day or so. Things aren't so good at Master's workplace and he comes home every day looking like he's been through hell and back. I ache to be able to do something to alleviate his stress and upset. Today I took initiative and prepared dinner while he had a much needed nap. It felt good to do that for him, he usually prepares most dinners or at the very least, decides what he'd like me to prepare.

There isn't always overt M/s in our relationship and I think sometimes I see the lack of overtness as an absence. I begin to fantasize about living with overt M/s. I fantasize about having to ask permission to use furniture or having to be nude at home. While these things would most definitely reinforce my mindset, they're not necessary to reinforce my enslavement. If I've learned anything it's that rituals and rules are nice and definitely have their place in M/s relationships, but they won't make or break a relationship.

Sometimes I get caught up in what I read online and, you know how it is, the grass looks greener on the other side. Often all that's needed is a good dose of perspective to remind me just how green the grass is on this side.

Our power exchange dynamic is at a level that works for us and that, as far as I can tell, we both thrive in. Most of the time, when I've got my head screwed on straight, I am happy and content with our relationship.

It could be that I've just got too much free-time, idle hands and all that.

Speaking of free-time, I've been reading some new journals and some of the authors of those journals are writers. Not only do they journal but they write, fiction, non-fiction, etc. I've begun to feel the itch to take up where I left off with my writing. I haven't written any fiction for such a long time, heck, I haven't even written an essay in ages.

Zen and the masochist

Master and I went to a play party at the home of our friends Master J and his girl m on Saturday night. M'Lady and her boy K were there too. It's always fun when our little tribe is all together.

It was supposed to be a formal protocol night with formal D/s etc. It didn't quite end up that way but it was certainly fun anyway.

The evening started with a bit of chit chat, and then K and m were teased and tormented a bit as they were bound together for being cheeky.

Sometime later, Master brought me into the medical room and prepared to do a cutting on my back. It was intense; he cut a bit deeper this time. I focused on taking slow deep breaths as the blade skimmed through my flesh. I giggled as I felt the blood run down my back. Lest you think I'm deranged, it feels extremely strange to have rivulets of your own blood running down your back.
Bleeding like that under Master's hand is cleansing, almost purifying.

After we cleaned up we went out into the other room and I bent over and leaned against the couch. Then I waggled my behind at Master who promptly gave me a few nice swats. I purred and relaxed into his hands.

This was all the encouragement he and m'Lady needed; they proceeded to tear my butt up with whippy, stingy things. Oh no, I couldn't get a nice spanking, not from two sadists, it had to be stingy whippy things.

They decided that the cross would be a better location so after I was blindfolded they moved me to the cross. They had me disrobe and then told me to lean against the cross. No cuffs to force me to stay in place, nothing but the implied command to stay put. That implied command keeps me in place far better than if I were fully restrained. Strangely enough, being restrained seems to give me permission to flail and move about.

It started then, I can't even tell you what came first or when, there were canes, paddles, hands, floggers, and other things I'm unsure of, all used on my behind and the left side of my back, punctuated by m'Lady sneaking around to bite and suck my breasts. It was intense. Some of the hits had me gasping and holding my breath as I waited for the burn to ease up.

Near the end she used canes on my behind, there were times I didn't think I could take any more but each time I'd take a few deep breaths and then get back into position to take more. Master whispered in my ear that if I wanted it to stop all I had to do was call 'red'. He reminded me since I was playing with m'Lady I did have a safe word.

Trouble was, I just couldn't code, the word 'red' shimmered in my mind but it just wouldn't make its way to my lips. I was a glutton for all m'Lady would dish out. I craved it even as I wanted to shy away from it. M'Lady said I stopped flinching and that's when she called an end to things.

They led me over to the couch and I curled up with Master and basked in the glow.

There was more to the evening than the play, there were lively discussions and I was able to serve without having to switch back into "mommy mode".

Yesterday I felt very Zen, very centered, and at peace even though I woke up with a tension headache. I felt contentment as I woke Master and saw to his needs throughout the day. Each drink served was an act of worship.

I delighted in the subtle pains from bruises and the new cutting. Even as I sit here typing this morning I periodically rotate my right shoulder to feel the healing cutting and to make it ache just a little. I'm a masochist and I won't apologize for it, it's a big part of who I am and I can't really be apologetic for being myself.

Things to ponder

Master and I had a bit of a disagreement last night and it's given me pause. We were discussing the upcoming weekend and the possibility of playing with a submissive. After I told him the possibility existed I said "but I haven't really been feeling all that toppish lately."

At this point his Masterly flags went up and he took exception to what I said. It came across to him as my saying it wasn't going to happen because *I* didn't feel like doing it. He took it for a refusal.

I didn't think that was my intent, I believed I was just communicating my feelings to him. I took offense, felt hurt, and told him I felt like I'd just been jumped on for expressing my feelings.

The more I think about it the more I wonder if maybe his perception was closer to the truth than I'd like to admit. I know full well that he takes my feelings into consideration and often won't do things or make me do things I really don't feel up to.

I think, knowing this, I voiced my feelings about not feeling toppish with the firm belief that he wouldn't make me do it because of my feelings.

I've gotten used to having my feelings taken into consideration and I think I've begun to take it for granted that my feelings matter. They do because he says they do, to an extent, but not to the extent that his feelings become secondary.

I guess, looking at this, I've been self-centered and not at all focused on him. It's hard sometimes, to forget the self and focus on someone else; especially when I'm sick or hurting, most especially then.

I don't much like admitting this about myself. But I know it's the right thing to do and the only way I'm going to improve in my service to him.

I wonder though, how can I communicate my feelings to him without it coming across as a refusal? One thing I know for certain, examine my motive for sharing my feelings before opening my mouth. If I'm sharing in hopes of influencing his decision I should probably just keep my lips together.

What have I been up to?

Between catching up on homework that I had let slide and other life stuff, I've been a busy girl.

I can't believe I let a month's worth of homework slide in one of my classes. I'm still a little behind but I'm slowly but surely getting it caught up. I'm actually ahead in my advanced computer apps course. I'll be glad to be done with these classes.

Master and I went to the Dinner and Discussion that one of our kinky group's members runs and then to a play party at her home afterwards. M'Lady was there with her boy too. We got to listen as she played with a boi of our acquaintance which was a treat, lots of giggles and plenty of grunts and groans too. Then it was my turn. Master and m'Lady decided to have at me.

M'Lady started with clothespins on my breasts...it wasn't long before I was taking slow, deep breaths just so I could cope with the clothespins pinching that tender flesh. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I really hate breast torture. But, as I told m'Lady, whatever makes her happy.

We'd started on the spanking bench but had to move downstairs to the bondage bed because I couldn't hold the position they wanted me in, it was killing my knees. What I wouldn't have given for a pair of good knee pads at that moment so I could have held the position they originally wanted me in.

So I gingerly walked downstairs, with clothespins still adorning my breasts, to the bondage bed and again, very gingerly, climbed up on it. They had me lie down on my back so they could torture my front. It was to be a night of torture they'd decided. They mercilessly tortured my breasts with the clothespins on until I was in tears. There were clothespins on my labia, clothespins on my inner arm too. Snake bite suction cups were attached all over the place... the Extractor (snake bite suction tube) was placed on my clitoris.

After they decided to remove the clothespins from my breasts the scene turned from one of torture to a combination resistance/comedy scene. Master decided to lick my toes and my reflexive reaction is to kick and try to get away while giggling and cursing at him. Once he tired of my toes he began biting me all over while m'Lady held me. It was a good ending to a good time. I was worn out and a bit light headed but definitely floating on a nice endorphin high.

Thankfully neither Master nor m'Lady were feeling very sadistic, she'd already worn herself out a bit on the nice boi. Thank you very much for wearing her out r!

My pain tolerances aren't what they once were and I did spend a little time afterwards mourning that fact and feeling a little bit like I'd disappointed because of that. Master assured me that he enjoyed himself and that he actually likes it when my tolerances aren't so high; less effort to get the same reactions.

Sunday was spent with just Master and I, fooling around and running errands...it's a good way to spend a Sunday.

Yesterday saw me at my family doctor's office finally getting a referral to a pain management doc. Hopefully we'll find a way for me to function with less pain. I need to be able to function and not feel like I have to suffer to do it. I'm hopeful but cautiously so. I know there is a limit to what can be done and to what I can expect.

A little blue

The evening didn't go at all as I'd hoped. Master came home exhausted from not sleeping well and needed a nap. Then we had a bit of a talk about the work situation.

I haven't worked since the week before last, the client hasn't needed me. The finances aren't pretty right now. Master is working on getting a PT job but needs me to work until Christmas. I get such a feeling of despair when I think about going back to work. I told Master that it sucks, I have to work to live but when I work there's not much of a life to live. The pain gets so bad that I spend my time away from work trying in vain to find some relief. I have absolutely no energy or desire to do anything but lie around in a vegetative state. I never understood before how constant pain could make a person tired, I do now...it not only makes you tired it leaves you wrung out and exhausted.

I accept the reality of what I have to do but I don't much like it.

After the talk we made dinner and then took Her Royal Shortness (HRS) to do her birthday shopping. It's a strange tradition that started a couple of years ago with Zboy when master took him to pick out a new bike for his birthday. The kids seem to enjoy it. HRS had fun picking out new clothes and trying them on and then she got to shop for a new Bratz doll... she ended up getting Bratz Twins. The girl has a Bratz fixation, although I can't help but like the dolls myself. I teased her that since her birthday isn't until tomorrow she couldn't play with her new dolls until then. I assured her that I would play with them tonight for her. *giggles*

Tonight marked a milestone in HRS's life, she got her first training bra tonight. I mourned her growing up when she started Kindergarten so this was cake. Not such a big deal at all; though she did have a firm say in the color of her bras, blue and white. Blue is her favorite color.

After the shopping trip Master and I brought HRS home and left her with Zboy and Zgirl while we went for a short ride. We stopped at Sonic and had dessert. On the way home we discussed the holidays and I'll admit I got a bit upset when he said that next year we were staying home and celebrating the holidays with just the kids. It wouldn't feel like a holiday if we did that. It would take a lot of the joy out of the season for me, especially since Zgirl is becoming so anti-family and anti-celebration. I don't know about anyone else but it's hard for me to feel celebratory when I'm surrounded by negativity with no positivity to balance it out.

I feel like he'd be happier if I didn't want to celebrate the holidays at all. He's lost most of his enjoyment of them and it seems like he's trying to take mine too. I know that isn't his intention but that's how it feels.

I've always loved the holidays, I don't know how I've kept my sense of wonder and excitement with a mother who hated the holidays and made everyone around her miserable, but I have.

Maybe it's my innerkid but the first snow always seems magical and I get giddy inside when I see those first flakes. I look forward to the day after Thanksgiving because that's the day I start playing Christmas music, even though I'm Pagan the music moves me. The weekend after Thanksgiving we get to put up the Christmas tree and I feel such a sense of joy and excitement watching the tree go up and then watching it go from plain to sparkly and shiny. I love decorating the tree with the kids, always saving the tree topper for Master to put on. That feels like home to me, that's Christmas, sharing happy moments with my family; celebrating with my family even if we don't all believe the same things.

I love the shared meals too, I get to cook for my loved ones and I get to spend time with them that I don't always get to spend with them the rest of the year.

I don't know how to make Master or Zgirl, who is protesting spending the holidays with other family too, understand. I don't know how to share my enjoyment with them because they can't feel it. I wish they could feel just a little bit of what I feel, maybe then they wouldn't complain or drag their feet so much and suck the fun out of it for the rest of us.

The rest of the night was spent watching a little TV and then off to bed. Master got just a bit excited when he found out my breasts were tender, he squeezed and kneaded them and got very aroused by my grunts and groans. We had a before bed quickie then soon after he dropped off to sleep.

Me, I'm sitting here writing this because I'm just not tired enough to sleep yet.

Foul mood

I don't know what was going on but the most incredibly foul mood came over me last night. Master made a comment and something about his tone hit me all wrong, it felt like he was yelling at me for no reason whatsoever. I instantly went into defensive mode and yelled back.

After I yelled I realized I was in the wrong but was still in the grip of the foul mood so I decided discretion was the better part of valor and kept my mouth shut.

A few minutes later the mood was gone. I think I'm PMS'ing. It's been a few months since I've had mood swings so last night's was unexpected. I really don't miss the mood swings and I hope this one was the first and last for this month.

I'm really missing playing, Master and I were supposed to be making time to play on a regular basis but we haven't managed to do so yet. I think he's wiped out by stress and I try very hard not to make demands on him. I understand being too stressed out to be interested in doing much of anything.

Master did say something last night about playing tonight after dinner; I'll have to remind him of his suggestion. Here's hoping he's in the mood.

Heartache

Yesterday was a tough day in the world of parenthood and a surprising day in Master's career.

First, the oldest girl... she's hurting and she's angry. And we feel like we owe her the biggest apology in the world but we know it won't fix the hurts. We trusted and allowed the man into our family who ultimately hurt her. I knew at the time how much damage it did but she wouldn't let us in, she wouldn't let anyone in.

Yesterday some of it spilled out when we were trying to explain to her why we didn't want her driving to Cedar Falls (very long trip from here) with her teenaged friends.

She's got major trust issues with anyone who cares about her. Her thought processes, her feelings, they could all be mine, they're that similar. She believes that if you let people close to you they'll hurt you. Gods I can't even number the years that I spent believing that. I still do to a small degree; it's why I'm wary of the friends I allow to meet my children. I am constantly on guard when others are around my children.

Despite the knowledge that I'm not a superhero, I still feel as if I failed her. My heart felt as if it were being torn to shreds yesterday, watching her crying and telling us that she believed what happened was her fault. No baby it was Mommy and Daddy's fault, we let that monster near you and couldn't believe what our red flags were telling us. That's what I wanted to tell her, instead I tried to make her believe that it wasn't her fault that it was his fault, he preyed on her trusting nature, and he abused the power of his relationship with her. Gods I want to hurt him for ever doing this to our family, to our little girl.

I remember when we found out, one night lying in bed alone while Master was at work, I prayed to Kali to give me the strength to do what needed to be done to see the monster behind bars. I prayed and prayed until a peace filled me, a certain knowledge that justice would be done. It wasn't easy but I did see it through until the end and he is behind bars. I faced him and I think she needs to but isn't ready.

I would send her to a therapist but I believe she will see it as a betrayal right now. One more person we've "told", one more person she's "expected" to let in close. I had her in therapy as soon as we found out the abuse had happened but she was resistant, she made us miserable for taking her, she was miserable. I relented and stopped taking her. Maybe it was the wrong decision but I needed to make peace with her, I needed to make peace for her.

She spent the rest of yesterday angry and upset with us. We're the easy targets, we're safe.

Before the upset with the girl Master told me there were some possible major changes at work. There is talk of moving him into an engineering position. It would mean a substantial raise for him. It would also mean longer hours at work and occasional travel to other states. I don't like the idea of him having to travel but when the kids are older I could sometimes go with him.

I like the idea of traveling with him and being able to do touristy things while he's at work and then having nice romantic dinners when he's done with work. I really do love him and I think we're the luckiest people in the world to be so in love with each other. He tells me of his friends at work who aren't even friends with their wives, they're miserable and can't stand being with them. It boggles the mind really.

Homework day

I have been slacking off on my homework. I have been what I would consider to be a bad student. I just haven't had the energy to spend on homework and doing well in class.

I find it hard to care about school when my back hurts so much that I can't even concentrate on the tasks at hand. Having a few days off from work has been wonderful. My back is feeling pretty good today so I took advantage and spent the day catching up in one of my classes and will spend the rest of the day catching up in the other.

I feel good about getting caught up and I hope I can raise my grades to something more acceptable.

The weekend

Our weekend was a bit of a let down. Master had a migraine Saturday so we weren't able to go to the party and subsequently, didn't get to do the cutting demo.

I was looking forward to the entire night and was disappointed but I was more concerned about his health. At first I felt very pouty and wanted to throw a fit about not being able to go. It was hard to keep the poutiness out of my voice and I'm sure I wasn't entirely successful. On the drive home, however, the poutiness seemed to leak out of me and my concern for him replaced it. We got home and we lounged on the couch watching TV all night. We went to bed early and slept late Sunday.

I think the extra sleep did him some good; his headache was gone by morning; although, a grouchy irritableness had descended on me. Everything and everyone was driving me to distraction. Teasing comments that would have earned a teasing come back from me, felt personal and upset me.

I felt like nothing I could do or say was the right thing. It was just one of those days. We went to the store and on the drive there I did my best to calm down and find my center. It wasn't easy but by the time we got home Master and I both felt better. My mood had set off a dark mood in him. It could have been a terrible day but we managed to salvage it and had a good afternoon/evening together.

I am proud of myself, last night before bed; I asked Master if we could make a little time to play this week. I realized that some of my bad mood earlier in the day could have been related to frustration over Saturday night and a need to play. Asking for what I need is getting easier. Being able to ask for something I need is a relief. Now, it's up to him to decide if I really need it or not and that feels good too.

Back...again

I went to my appointment with the specialist yesterday with a small amount of hope that he might be able to help me manage this pain. No dice Jack.

After he comes in and looks at my chart and hears what I have to say he says "What would you like me to do?" My jaw probably hit the floor at that point. He's the doctor, isn't he supposed to have the ideas? I asked him "What can we do?" He reiterated his previous statement (from the last appointment) that there is nothing surgically he can do. What I'm getting from him is that since there's nothing surgically to be done that's it, I'm on my own.

He told me if I lost 100 pounds that might help, it would certainly relieve some of the stress on my back. He might as well have told me to climb Mt. Everest tomorrow for all the good that's going to do to get me through each day until I can lose the weight. IF I can lose the weight.

He also told me to get a job, when I asked what I should do about work, that doesn't have me sitting or standing in place. I probably looked at him cross-eyed when he said that. I'd already told him that I can only manage about an hour of walking before I'm done in. The man just didn't seem to be listening. I feel like he didn't want to see me at all.

He did prescribe water aerobics which, and I agree, would be good for me. But unless it is done on a one on one basis, our insurance won't cover it. He suggested I check out a weight loss program at the bariatric center of one of the local hospitals. I got scheduled to go to the next info seminar that they have but I have little hope of actually being able to go through the program, our insurance doesn't cover anything to do with weight loss.

Yesterday I felt hopeless, useless, defeated, and resigned to living with this pain. I cried as soon as I got to the car, barely able to contain my tears until that point. I cried during the drive home and then again when Master got home and asked me how the appointment went.

I hate, hate, hate, hate, that I have back problems. It makes me angry that working makes me hurt so bad that the rest of my time is spent in pain. It makes it hard to enjoy doing anything. The pain affects my service, it affects everything.

Master says he will get a part-time job soon so I don't have to work. I can't help feeling like a burden. I want to work, I want to help out around here, and I don't want Master to have to do it all.

I feel like he should resent me. I guess that would feed into my negative feelings about myself. It's a good thing he's wiser than I am and didn't act resentful at all yesterday.

Exhausted musings

My mind is exhausted, my body is too, but the pain keeps me awake, constantly shifting position in bed to find one that isn't as painful as the previous one was. I'm concerned that my restlessness disturbs Master's sleep. I'm concerned that seeing my discomfort is causing him undue worry and stress.

Work is going well; I'm picking up on each task presented to me pretty quickly. Actually, thus far, it's very simple work that doesn't require a lot of mental effort. I actually battle through the morning to keep myself from nodding off. I wonder what they'd say if I did nod off? Gods, at those moments a nap would feel SO good and I want nothing more than to curl up somewhere, even under the table, for a good solid hour or two of uninterrupted sleep.

I'm looking forward to this weekend's play party; it looks to be a smaller one. While I like the small parties, I wonder if the low numbers are due to us presenting the blood play demo. Perhaps I'm trying to take blame that just isn't mine to take.

I am looking forward to the cutting and the play piercing. Master has yet to decide on a design for this cutting. I was partial to the Kanji symbol for slave but Master is partial to Runes. Guess who wins? *grins*

You know, it's a lucky thing that I am not hung up on scars and such, I love being Master's canvas and I love seeing the permanent reminders of his work on my flesh. His marks in my flesh mark me as his more surely than the collar he gifted me with. Bleeding for him is the deepest form of submission I can think of... offering up my life force for his pleasure. There is power in the blood.

Wakeful

I should be dead asleep right now but instead I'm wide awake with my mind racing.

I've begun working again, instead of the relief it should be, it is something I dread. My back had begun to improve, then I began sitting for longer periods to do school work and it began to ache a bit but was quickly alleviated by going to lie down or just lounging on the couch for a while. I thought I'd be fine to work... I was wrong. I've only worked two days and I have to force myself to go and to stay there. I'm going back to the doctor, there's no doubt in my mind.

I feel a bit discouraged; I'd be lying if I said otherwise. I thought I was getting better. I thought I'd be able to work pain free or pretty close to it. The way things appear right now, to work is to be miserable and that's going to be my lot in life because I have to work. I already want to avoid doing anything after work. I am exhausted and I hurt. I'd give anything for a comfortable position to rest my body in. Anyone have a gravity free atmosphere handy?

I don't want to whine, I'd love to be able to bear the pain with quiet grace and dignity. I'm just not that kind of person I guess.

I'm frustrated by this turn of events. I'm slightly intimidated by my doctor's attitude of "Physical therapy will cure you; don't come back unless it doesn't get better." I feel like this relapse is somehow my fault, I was getting better and now I'm not.

I'm exhausted, I need rest...it's just out of my reach right now.

Life update

I've been trying for days to think of something to write. Life has been moving along at its own pace, some days have been good and some have been not so good.

On Wednesday I received a letter that I had been waiting for. I have finally been scheduled for an interview for a position with the city. It's nothing fancy, just data entry and office work but it's right up my alley and the benefits would be good enough that Master could afford to look for a job with a better employer.

On the one hand I want to get excited at the prospect of getting this job but on the other hand, I know I am not as qualified as others who might have applied for the position. I don't have much for a work history, aside from some occasional temp work; I've been a stay at home mom since I was 16. During some interviews I have seen a look cross the face of the interviewer as soon as I say that... it's quite obvious that I've lost status in their eyes. To say I feel intimidated before an interview is an understatement.

The submissive's forum that I started a couple of months ago is doing well. We have a nice core group of people who attend every month. I'm finding my groove; I'm learning to lead a discussion which isn't easy for me. I'm much happier sitting on the sidelines listening. I've been modeling my discussions after a bottom I admire. She leads another discussion group in our area and gives some of the best presentations I've seen. Thanks s, you've really inspired me.

I saw palpable evidence Wednesday night that the sub forum is really needed. The people who attend love having a dominant free space where they can be with their fellow submissives. It was rewarding for me to know that I've helped create something of value. Master really has little need or want of the local kink community but I've got an activist heart, I want to help the local community. I want to give something back. As long as he will allow it I will continue to be as active as possible in the local community.

The next forum is something I am really looking forward to, we're doing kinky crafts. Yay for creative stuff, I love to create and it's been some time since I've done anything crafty. I'll be demonstrating how to make rope floggers and at the same time I'll be making a matched pair of heavy knotted floggers for Master to practice Florentine style flogging with. *silly grins* Did I mention that being flogged Florentine style feels really good?

I'm creating a really nice handout for the cutting demo we're doing on the 6th and Master informed me last night that I'm writing his presentation too. I'm happy to be able to make a contribution. Off to the research cave! *giggles*

He's baaaaack!

The Sadist has come back! For several months Master just hasn't felt very sadistic. I've done my level best not to whine or beg or even brat for pain play. But the truth is I've been in serious need of a good beating for quite some time.

With all the stuff that's been going on between my back and Master's work schedule being all over the charts, I didn't realize just how badly I needed pain play.

Last night was spent with our kinky tribe and an impromptu play party. We started by teasing and tormenting my Lady's boy but I just wasn't in the right headspace to enjoy it. After his turn at being tormented it was mine. I was restrained and blindfolded and all three Dominants began tormenting me. I couldn't manage to submit to it, instead I fought. I was combative and actually safe worded on a couple of things that were too much. Finally I hit sensory overload and everything came to a screeching halt as I froze, every muscle in my body taut and my hand on Master's chest holding him at arm's length. With tears in my eyes I took several deep shuddering breaths to fight back the sobs that were threatening to overtake me. I managed to gain some semblance of control over my emotions and was then ordered to orgasm for them.

It was so hard to do at first, I was still feeling very defensive and combative, my muscles still tense. I wasn't at all aroused yet there was Master whispering in my ear to cum for him, to give them my orgasm. I did the only thing I could do. I obeyed. It took longer than usual but I succeeded.

Afterwards I was lightheaded and very floaty feeling. Somehow, having to share such an intimate part of me pushed me into a very deeply submissive state. I felt very deeply submissive and masochistic and still do.

This afternoon Master re-introduced me to the Sadist. I had to fight to keep quiet because the kids were in and out of the house. He blindfolded me and had me lie on my stomach on the bed. He played with my mind as much as he played with my body. His goal was to cause maximum pain with the least amount of noise. I writhed on the bed as he worked over my back, the backs of my legs and the bottoms of my feet. He reduced me to my core... nothing else existed but Master and the pain he wanted me to take.

I remember begging "please Master, please" though I'm not sure if I was begging him to stop or to continue.

Master finished by taking his pleasure from me. I reveled in the feel of him thrusting into me with savage need.

After we'd bathed and collected ourselves, we spent the rest of the afternoon with our youngest daughter. We took her to lunch and then to the grocery store where we picked out the pumpkins we'll carve into jack-o-lanterns this week. Master was quite the gentleman and did the heavy lifting for us, our pumpkins are really huge.

Sometimes it strikes me as funny, S&M in the early afternoon and a family outing in the late afternoon.

Growth and change

From Kindlings

1. "There are no mistakes. The events we bring upon ourselves, no matter how unpleasant, are necessary in order to learn what we need to learn; whatever steps we take, they're necessary to reach the places we've chosen to go." -Richard Bach

The things we might term as mistakes can be learning experiences if we're mindful enough to learn the lesson offered. I used to think that the Universe was random and that horrible things happened for no reason. Then, our oldest daughter was molested. It was a major Event in our lives and a turning point for me. I knew then that my own childhood abuse happened so that I could be there for my daughter in a very unique way. It was also a learning and growth experience for me. I was offered the opportunity to finally slay the biggest of my own personal demons. I was given the choice of facing my demons or continuing to run from them. It was a crossroads.

I believe that every experience, painful or otherwise, is an opportunity to learn and grow in disguise.


3. "Growth means change and change involves risk, stepping from the known to the unknown." -George Shinn

Don't I know it? Not so long ago change was a dirty word in my book. I abhorred change almost as much as Nature abhors a vacuum. Change can be painful and unpleasant as much as it can be pleasant and fun. I spent a good part of my life trying to control things so that I could avoid feeling any more pain. What I didn't realize was this; I was stunting my own growth as a person.

Without growth and change are we truly living life?

The new me

I was craving change. I craved a major change, something to shake things up a bit; so, the thing to change? My hair. I told Master I wanted a new style. He responded with "It's your hair" which led to a small discussion about whose hair it really is. Since it's attached to my head, which is attached to my body, which ultimately belongs to Master; I asserted that it's his hair. What the discussion finally boiled down to was this, if he absolutely hated what I did with it, it would grow back and in the meantime I could wear a paper sack over my head. I just love his sense of humor.

So, I did it yesterday. I spent 15 minutes looking through style books and wavered back and forth between two hair styles, one that was similar to what I already had and one that was a drastic change. I took a HUGE deep breath and chose the drastic change. No gradual steps for me, no siree, I had to dive right in. As the stylist began to work on my hair I watched and wondered, "Is it too short? Will Master like it? Will I like it?" As my new style took shape it became hard to look at myself. I stopped looking like me. It was really a bizarre experience and one that filled me with just a wee bit of anxiety.

I have bangs again after several years of not having bangs and it now just barely brushes my shoulders when it's wet and doesn't really touch my shoulders at all when dry. It used to hang down near my bra line.

I spent the afternoon getting acquainted with my new 'do. I really like the way it looks when I have my sunglasses on. 'Course I'm not really looking at me then. I did take some time to stare at my image in the mirror; it just didn't look like me. It didn't look like the woman I'm used to seeing reflected back at me. I became more anxious then that Master wouldn't like this new 'do.

The first of our family to see my hair was our son. He asked me what I'd done and told me it didn't look bad, it just looked crazy. What does that mean??
Master was next to see my hair. He just stared at me for the longest time. He looked a bit bemused; I think he was a bit speechless. He told me it looked good, but that it was so different that it would take time to get used to it.

Master also remarked that I could probably pull off the young and innocent look now. Last week I had told him that I didn't feel I did it convincingly. I think now that a *lot* of it is my mindset. I never thought I was one whose identity was attached to her hair. With the long hair I felt mature, in control, I felt womanly and powerful. I feel exposed now, vulnerable even. This new haircut has really had a profound effect on me.

Master and I both are wondering how our friend J will react to my new 'do. In all the time we've known him he has never once suggested that I change my hair. This is really something when one realizes that he does this with nearly every submissive woman he meets. One of his kinks is transformation, he likes to take the diamond in the rough and polish her until she shines. He loved my hair the way it was.

Master loved my hair the way it was too. I wonder, since the change has had such an effect on me, if it will affect him.

Melancholy

Saturday night was odd. It was a nice night with just Master and I, the kids were at his sister's house for the night. We were driving around trying to sort out what we might have for dinner and the whole time I just felt very, empty and alone. It was a bit of a familiar feeling, that depression that hits when the weather turns chilly. It's not even quite depression, it's melancholy. That ho-hum, doldrums, there's no color in my life, feeling.

That feeling stuck with me until I woke this morning, from a very odd dream I might add. This morning my old festive self returned, further aided by watching Just Visiting with Master this afternoon. We're such movie nuts; we quote movies at each other all the time. This one actually has lots of quotes that are pertinent to our lifestyle. *grins*

I'm looking forward to the holidays; Samhain is just around the corner. I probably won't do anything special, I rarely do these days. Perhaps I'll just commune with Nature under the stars and sift through my fond memories of my loved ones who've passed on.

In other news, my back seems to be on the mend. Until last night I had been pretty much pain free for a couple of days. Last night's ride in the car sent the right buttock to aching. Tonight Master used our massage balls on my back which turned out to be a boo-boo. It aggravated the muscle that runs through my left buttock. So, I'm a bit achy tonight but I am proud to say that I did my exercises. I firmly believe that the exercises are truly helping my back to heal. Now, if I could just lose some weight, which would really help.

I got on the scale at the doctor's office Friday and was only too happy to get off the blasted thing. I'm surprised it didn't start screaming at me to get off. I'm close to my heaviest weight again. It was the impetus I needed to work on taking control of my eating again. Being home with this back injury has been bad for me. I've just let loose, let everything slide. Granted, I couldn't do a lot of the housework; but my back pain shouldn't have been an excuse to eat as if I had the metabolism of a 14 year old kid. Ahh well, kicking myself isn't going to fix the situation is it?

Life goes on and as long as it does I still have the opportunity to enact changes.

Alright, honesty, I feel a bit blue about the weight and the fact that my clothes are almost too snug for comfort. But I'm trying to see the ill fitting clothes as incentive to eat healthier and get into better shape. Allowing myself to get depressed about it is a self-defeating cycle that will keep me gaining weight. I'm going to see about getting back to work soon, that should stop some of the eating-just-because-I-have-nothing-better-to-do-eating, plus it will reduce the stress eating that both Master and I have been doing due to worrying about money.

You know, bodies should come with owner's manuals. There is a *lot* of upkeep and maintenance involved in keeping one's body running smoothly. I haven't even touched on the landscaping aspect of body maintenance. Why can't we have the things houses have, like lifetime shingles, or lifetime siding. Wouldn't that be great? Shaving, a thing of the past, now we have lifetime hairlessness. Yeah, I'm dreaming. I'm also goofy because it's way late and I should be in bed. Thank goodness the melancholy has passed and made way for goofiness. *grins*

Think before you speak

After seeing a movie with my sister yesterday I ran a couple of errands and came home to find Master dozing. He'd taken advantage of having the place to himself and decided to have a wee nap.

He wasn't quite asleep and I caught his attention when I opened the bedroom door. I asked if he were napping and offered to leave him in peace. He said "Come here slave." "I have a use for your mouth." That's when it went all wrong.

As I walked into the room and flopped on the bed I reminded him that he'd had an O earlier in the day. The truth is, I was in pain and thinking only of not adding to that pain. He became a bit angry with me, justly so, and I went on to explain in an exasperated tone that I was sore and that my stomach was upset. Then, disappointment colored his voice as he told me "Fine, never mind." I sat there looking at the reminder he wrote for me and felt perfectly awful.

I went downstairs with his permission, got something for the pain, something to take the edge off my hunger, and collected myself. Then I went back upstairs and watched him for the longest time, he'd decided to get up and have a shower. Over and over in my head I practiced the words "May I suck your cock?" I wanted to try to make up for my bad behavior. I wanted to erase the disappointment Master felt, I wanted to please him.

After he finished his shower and had relieved himself, I knelt on the floor near the bathroom door; he noticed me and asked "What?" I blushed then and felt rather silly, the lil me fidgeted under his curious gaze. Then I managed to say it as he looked away. "May I suck your cock?" He threw my words back at me then. "I've already had an O today, remember?" "I'm just being greedy, I don't really need one." All this as he stood, naked, in front of me, his cock just inches from my lips. I just knelt there with my eyes downcast and my head bowed slightly feeling as if there would be no way to redeem myself when Master said I could put just the head of his cock in my mouth. I readily obeyed. I swirled my tongue around the soft, silkiness of it, savoring the feel of it in my mouth and the few drops of urine that clung to the tip.

Just then he ordered me onto the bed, naked, to give him a proper blow job. He reclined on the bed while I leaned across his leg and began to suck his cock with gusto. I worshiped his cock then, demonstrating my devotion to him and to his pleasure.

I used to wonder what people meant when they talked about cock worship, or boot worship. I understand it now as a physical demonstration of one's reverence and devotion.

He fucked me then, hard and relentless. He pounded into me, it hurt and I relished the pain. Each thrust sent chills racing over my skin. When he came he thrust deeper inside me than he ever has before. It felt as if his cock would tear through me and come out the other side, it was sweet agony.

Afterwards he laid on the bed recovering and I sat near him. I apologized for my earlier behavior; he agreed with me that I was out of line. I was hoping for absolution, what I got was an acknowledgement that I was trying to make up for my mistake.

I guess I didn't really deserve absolution. Perhaps what I do deserve is punishment.

Apathy

No, I haven't really turned apathetic; I just haven't felt much like writing lately. I haven't got much good to write about. My back is still giving me fits and looks to continue to be a problem for the rest of my life.

I saw an orthopedic specialist yesterday who told me that "arthritis" is just a catch-all term. I've actually got two discs in the very early stages of degeneration. So, I've got degenerative disc disease. It happens to everyone as they age. The thing is I'm only 33 isn't that too young??
What it means is that the discs can't take the stress they once could and they get aggravated, then the muscles around them get aggravated which results in pain. He's prescribed more intensive PT, isometrics. I hope it works; I'm tired of being in pain. I'm tired of not being able to go on long car rides. Most of all I'm tired of being a burden on Master.

I feel very discouraged right now. Master hasn't been able to play with me in the way he needs to because he's been afraid that he would further injure my back. I'm concerned that he's lost his desire to do any S&M play with me. Being Daddy's little girl complicates things enough without having fear of causing injury added to the mix.

One might think that being a masochist I'd be getting all the pain I could ever want right now with my back. I sometimes wish it worked that way for me. At least then I could find something enjoyable about all of this. *chuckles*

I need a good cry. I've needed it for some time now but I haven't been able to just let go. I keep it all stamped down inside.

I did have a very big positive this week. This month's submissive's forum was held Wednesday and the topic was role play with a focus on age play. It felt good to be in a room with so many other age players and to not have to worry about whether or not I might squick them. It felt good to share something that I enjoy so much with others. I'm not the world's best presenter but I do my best to lead a good discussion and thankfully there have been others present who help to keep the discussion going. I am very grateful to them for their assistance.

Saturday morning musings

It's early Saturday morning and I'm awake. There's something wrong with this picture. Saturday mornings are meant to be spent lazing about in bed aren't they?

Of course, there's a reason I'm not lazing about in bed this particular Saturday morning. I had to take Master to work so that I could have the car for the day because I have to go to Best Buy to pick up our snazzy new computer. I'm pretty excited about it. Mostly I'm excited about the larger monitor and the much larger hard drive. Alright, the speed will be nifty too, the computer we have is a dinosaur compared to the new one.

I'm a little nervous about being able to get back online. Of course, I probably won't get to do any changeover until tomorrow. I have to wait for Master to do the lifting and moving of computers. Master gave me express orders not to do any lifting because it would aggravate my back. He knows me too well; I think I'm glad about that.

So, if you don't hear from me for a while, you'll know I'm in computer changeover limbo.

Frustration

I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to lie on the floor and have a full-blown tantrum. Instead I suck it all in, tamp it down and maintain as much control over myself as I am able.

Our teenagers are breaking my heart and driving me mad. Our oldest daughter is angry with Master; she blames all of her woes on him. She takes that anger out on me. Apparently I'm a safe target. I yell back in anger, things escalate, she slams her bedroom door and rants to herself but loud enough that I can still hear.

Our son gets frustrated with school, comes home, and acts like an arrogant twit. Expecting that I'm going to jump when he says jump then yells at me when I jump his case about it.

I try not to give in to my anger; I try not to yell at them. Sometimes I succeed. Today I didn't.