Sometimes it just plain sucks

Sometimes being a slave isn't much fun. Especially when there's something you want to do and Master puts his foot down. It's for my own good, I know that but it's still disappointing.

There's an Asian festival tomorrow (Saturday) that I really, really, really, wanted to go to. It celebrates Asian cultures, Japanese among them, and there were displays and shows that I was really excited about seeing. But, Master is right, it'd probably be too much for me and since I'm going back to work Monday I need to take it easy so I'm able.

However; knowing that doesn't make it any easier to accept, especially when you've been either sick, sore, or recovering from something for the past month and a half and you've been cooped up at home nearly the entire time. I've got cabin fever and no way out. Sometimes I feel like I'm imprisoned here by my own body, my own health (or lack thereof) and it's driving me absolutely bonkers. It doesn't matter that my prison is comfortable and has all the amenities, a prison is still a prison.

He's not being a bad guy and he's not being mean or even arbitrary, he's following rule #1. Take care of the property. He's got a lot more sense than I have. I'd attempt to go, if it were up to me, and suffer the consequences later. And of course later I'd be cursing my stupidity.

So, I sit here and try to find things to entertain myself. Maybe he'll allow a short trip to the craft store so I can pick up a few items to work on my latest craft obsession, decorative hair sticks. That would be lovely, I haven't had the time to do craftwork for quite a while and it really fills me with a sense of peace when I'm creating something. Plus, I'd have some pretty things to put my hair up with and that's always a bonus.

Good Days

Today is one of my better days. I'm feeling a bit peppier and a bit less sore than I was yesterday. I still get worn out fairly easily, that will take time to improve I'm sure, but I'm feeling more, hrm.. energetic? I cleaned the tub today and shaved my legs before having a nice shower. I think having my legs shaved is helping my attitude believe it or not. And maybe in another week I can go back to my usual "shave everything below the neck" routine and will feel even better.

Last night Master decided to give us both a bit of pleasure and gave me my first orgasm in about a month. It took a bit of work to not think about the belly lump and I had to force myself to not even look down for fear of glancing at it and the negative feelings starting. It's really affecting my self-image quite a bit. It feels to me like a huge blinking sign on an area of my body that I already dislike.

It was nice to reconnect with Master last night. I've missed it quite a bit. I don't know why but when sex is suspended due to illness, or surgery, I tend to feel like I've lost my sexuality and once sex is resumed it's like a symbol that all is well and "normal".

I'm feeling ready to get out and DO something. But, I was being a bit overly ambitious yesterday when I suggested we go to a festival being held tomorrow. Master pointed out that it would involve a whole lot of walking and standing, both things that still take it out of me. So, no festival. But, maybe there's still something we can find to do. I just need to get back to living in short order.

Healing

I haven't had a lot to say lately. Mostly I've been sitting around quietly moldering while reading books I have checked out from the library. I'm healing, it seems to be going fairly well. I'm fine if I don't do too much. Too much includes 20 minute trips to the store right now.

I'm sore and not inclined to go for long hikes. I'm alternately sleeping a lot and not sleeping well. So goes the healing process.

I finished spring term with Bs, I'm really pleased about that. Of course my perfectionist side is saying I could have done better, but I'll take a B over a C any day.

There's not much to say about the M/s side of things right now, Master is still stressed about work and I'm not exactly in working order. I've been serving him some, as much as I'm able and sometimes a little more just because.

I'm dying for a little sexual connection, it feels like we're living in a suspended reality where everything is the same but not quite. Sudden illness and surgery will do that to a relationship. Up until yesterday morning I hadn't had any real sexual desire. Then it all began with a very strange dream. In the dream Master was cruel, treated me like a boy complete with sex in the way males have sex with each other, he used me without regard to my desires. It was the hottest "wet dream", minus the orgasm, I've had in quite a while. I don't know why but being used for his pleasure, even cruelly, pushes my buttons. When I woke up from the dream it was almost as if it had really happened, it felt as if he'd really been inside me and I was wet with arousal.

But, here back in suspended reality world, I convalesce and do my best to help him relax away from the stresses of work, share his indignation at the b.s. going on there, and try to be as useful as I can since I'm off work til next week.

Time On My Hands

Since the surgery I've had nothing but time. Time to sleep, time to think, time to read, time to go nuts with inactivity.

It's interesting that whenever I have nothing else to focus on my attention reverts to my slavery and ways to improve my service and how deeply I feel my position.

Yesterday I spent time at the Butchmann's Academy web site reading about their weekend intensives. Some of the universal protocol for all s-types, while attending Butchmann's, is very appealing to me. So appealing that I've asked Master and the rest of our Tribe about hosting a play party that would include more formal protocol between s-types and d-types. Do I think Master and I could live a more formal style of M/s? Not really, we're very informal people but to quote Master, "It's nice to visit that place every now and then" and I'm really craving a visit.

I've been giving some thought to giving a little bit of control back to M, going back to more of a power exchange relationship with him than the equal relationship we've had for a while now. I don't know if I will or if I can. Can I trust him this time? Will he dent my trust again or will he keep the open communication with me that we've had for the past month or so? Maybe we'll start slow, with baby steps.

I'm willing to go back to the way we used to do things, the ritual we'd do before we played, wearing his collar while with him. I might even be willing to wear his bracelet again, provided Master is OK with it. I feel a very strong need to submit and to serve right now. Maybe it's due, in part, to feeling out of control regarding my health. When this feeling comes over me it tends to encompass all the people in my life. I want to serve them all to the best of my ability. Actually, it makes me want to do nothing but serve them. Sometimes daily life puts a cramp in my lifestyle.

But, I'm trying to be a little more conscious of my behavior and not letting my disappointment at not being able to do this, or go to that party, affect my behavior or moods. I know I had a little bit of a pout earlier when Master told me we wouldn't be able to attend a play party at the end of this month and I'm sorry I did it. I'm trying to jolly myself up, maybe when I'm feeling better we can send the kids to a movie and have some play time here at home. If not, there's still the formal protocol party to plan and look forward to as long as the rest of the Tribe are amenable to the idea.

Home Again, Home Again, Jiggety Jig

Well, it's been interesting around here. Yesterday morning I woke up with terrible lower abdominal pain and a low grade fever. After about an hour and a half of waiting to see if I was going to feel better, I called Master who ordered me to get LMR out of bed and have her drive me to the urgent care clinic ASAP.

I was thinking it was something to do with the ablation, he was thinking appendix. So, we got to the clinic, waited a half hour to get in to be seen (not bad really for walk-in), then spent an hour in the room waiting for the doc to decide what was wrong. After she found that my white count was high she sent me to the ER to see a surgeon and possibly have a CT scan to get a look at my insides. We got to the ER at about 11 a.m. and saw the surgical resident who seemed sure that it was my appendix. We, LMR and I, sat there for a good long while waiting for the attending surgeon to arrive and examine me. Despite being unable to pinpoint an exact location for my belly pain the attending surgeon decided it was definitely my appendix and said they'd work me in for an emergency appendectomy.

Master arrived at around 1 something in the afternoon, he and LMR ran home so she could be here to do her thing and so he could get cleaned up and come back to be with me.

Finally, around 6 p.m. they got me in for surgery. Master says the surgeon told him my appendix was "hot" and further explained that it was inflamed and definitely *had* to come out. Luckily it hadn't burst and I'm glad I did go to the doctor as quickly as I did.

When they wheeled me out of recovery Master and m'Lady were there waiting for me and sat with me once the nurses got me settled. It was nice to have them there with me, comforting.

I spent a very miserable night in the hospital. It was a laparoscopic procedure but still hurts like mad. But, I was a game and managed to sit up on the side of my bed for a few minutes and even stand, then a few hours later, got up and went for a mini-walk. Today I'm feeling better, though still sore and moving very slow. I'm at home now and very happy to be so. Never, ever go to a hospital if you want to sleep. *wry grins*

It was a scary experience and the seriousness of it didn't really hit me until after I called HRS to talk with her before they took me to surgery. I wanted to talk to her so that I could tell her I loved her, just in case. I'd already spoken to LMR and ZBoy and told them I loved them. I didn't want something to go wrong and have my last conversation with HRS to have been my shooing her out the door for school.

I've never really had "emergency" surgery. I don't like being sick like that, for the record I don't want to have another surgery for a long, long, long, loooooong time. Experiences like this that really put life into perspective. I'm very thankful to be alive and on the mend and thankful I have such a wonderful Master who is taking such good care of me. He's been very good to me, making sure I don't over do things and insisting that I rest.

So, I'm working on healing, again and am hoping beyond hope that this is the last surgery I have, at least for this year. A surgery a month is WAY too much if you ask me.

Feral

I wasn't aroused last night but he was. We went up to bed last night, I went into the bathroom to pee and came back out to Master sitting on my side of the bed with an enormous erection that instantly comanded my attention.

He wanted me to kneel on the floor in front of him but I was in a little too much pain last night so I asked if I could do something other than kneel. He offered to lay on the bed which allows me to lay across the bed. I crawled onto the bed and laid down on my belly with my head near his cock. I gave it a few licks and sucked for a while then started stroking it with my hand. Soft and slow with a very loose grip, a technique that is sure to drive him mad with lust. I stroked his cock as if I had all the time in the world and his orgasm wasn't the goal. I was enjoying the grunts and moans issuing from his lips. There's nothing like happy sounds to get me interested in the task at hand. (no pun intended)

He wanted to lie there and enjoy the handjob but it was almost more than he could take and he decided to f*ck me. He got up and walked around the bed while I knelt up on all fours for him. We don't do this often as it's not his favorite position. Interestingly enough he seemed to enjoy it quite a bit last night. I have to say, despite not being terribly aroused, it felt very good to have his cock inside me. Doggie is one of my favorite positions because he can get very deep that way, deep enough to hit my cervix and hurt just a little bit. That, for me, is the definition of hurts so good. The whole time he's grunting and growling like a feral beast.

It wasn't long before he was ready to move to his favorite position... me lying on my left side with knees bent as if I were sitting and him kneeling behind me. Okay, so I like this position too because he hits a certain spot inside and it makes me smile. When he thrust into me the first time it was with a growl, like a wild animal taking possession of that which is his. I love, love, love it when he f*cks me like that, when he's so aroused and so into it that he can't help but grunt and groan and cling to me with such possessive heat.

While he f*cked me he reached down and grabbed one of my labia and pulled on it, using it almost like a handle to pull me towards him while he thrust into me. It hurts, can't eroticize it, but he enjoys that look of pain on my face and it sends him into a very primal space and it just keeps the whole feral/wild animal sex going which makes the pain bearable.

After he came we cleaned up and his cock was still hard as stone. Too bad he was tired 'else I might have begged him to use it again. As it is, he went to sleep and I read a book for a while. I found myself playing with my nipple while I read and started to get aroused so I decided to take things in hand. I grabbed my buzzy toy and worked myself toward an orgasm. It took a while, as it always has ever since the surgery, but I got there finally and the noise I made woke him up enough to stroke my shoulder and tell me he loved me. I really tried to keep it quiet and to be as still as possible but sometimes, well, you know, it's just impossible.

I wonder if he knows what it was that woke him up last night? I'll find out tonight when he gets home. He went out early this morning to go fishing with his friend from work. I don't know why but I'm always embarrassed when he "catches" me at masturbation. It's silly, but I feel like I've been caught doing something naughty even though that's not the case. Master hasn't had me on orgasm denial for a long, long, long time. Still, it feels naughty when he "catches" me. But, that can be fun all on its own because then he teases me about it and well, it turns him on to know I've been masturbating sooooo it can lead to some fun sex.

No Brainer

This is to be filed under "what the heck was I thinking?!" I went to see Silent Hill with my sister last night and I think it was a mistake. I'm still haunted by the creepy images burned into my brain. There are certain things in movies that will creep me out, make a spooky character move in a way no human could or should move and you're sure to have my skin crawling and have me peeking from between my fingers. Don't ask why, I can't explain it, it's just one of the things that peg my freakoutometer.

I know this about myself, yet I still go to see these kinds of movies. I ask myself, "Self, why do we do these sorts of things?" Myself never really answers me back, that'd make me crazy wouldn't it? Anyway, the movie is creepy, good story but creepy movie. I was skittish the whole drive home and didn't feel even a teeny bit better til I got home and curled up on the couch to watch the last 20 minutes or so of The Incredibles. Kids' movies are my comfort, they soothe me when I'm scared, upset, whatever.

I had a few bad dreams when I went to bed, woke up with a start thinking someone had whispered to me, then forced myself to roll over and go back to sleep. Today I'm still having random images from the movie flit through my mind at the oddest times. While my eyes were closed as I shampooed my hair, the creepy crawly moving guy scooted on his way. It took a lot to keep my eyes closed at that point.. I wanted to "change the channel" and opening my eyes is the best way to do so.

I know, it's silly for a grown woman to be scared or creeped out to this extent by a movie but I am. Master will probably read this and shake his head, he knows this about me and mutely watches as I perform these masochistic acts over and over again.

Now I'll go to work and regale my co-workers with little stories about the movie in the hopes of exorcising whatever demon it has become in my mind.

Hormone Blitz

I should have this warning label attached to my person, perhaps glued to my forehead.

I thought I'd managed to escape it. I thought that since I wasn't feeling weepy all the time that my hormones were just fine and dandy. I thought wrong. The last few days have shown me that my hormones are indeed, out of whack. Every cross word Master has said, even words that aren't intended to be cross, feel like personal insults and my feelings get hurt.

The night before it was his tone when he said I couldn't see a movie on a weeknight. I was nearly in tears over it because it felt like he was being mean to me for no good reason. Then last night it was something he said that wasn't nice. He'd done a huge favor for me that turned out to be a huge hassle and he said, jokingly, that he'd been thinking to himself that I wouldn't do anything like that for him. That really hurt my feelings. It felt like he was discounting everything I've ever done for him and that he had a low opinion of me. I got so upset over it and couldn't control the feelings. I even tried to relax and let it go. I was in the car on the way home, the conversation was on my cell phone, I turned on classical music and tried a few deep breaths. It didn't help. We did talk and resolve this situation, he said he could see how what he said would feel hurtful and apologized for it.

In the light of day it all seems so silly. Why get so upset over small things like that? I don't normally get that upset. I know this is hormonal and not me, I'm feeling pretty blue today and don't have any real reason to feel that way. I had a good day yesterday, found out that working from home is a distinct possibility instead of just an eventual possibility. I visited a sort of local hospital that has an in-house and at-home transcription department. I wouldn't even have to live locally to work for them, I think I wouldn't even have to move to work for them. The lady in charge of the department seems really great, I instantly liked her and could see myself working for her.

So, I'm trying to ride the hormones out and hoping I still have a Master and husband when it's all said and done. I hate being like this and I'm sure I'm making him miserable. I just can't seem to help it. The feelings jump up at me and overtake me before I know what's going on. I was in a good mood last night, I'd had a great night at work, and in an instant I was upset and hurt. I want to try to be conscious of what's going on, try to take a few deep breaths before I open my mouth, it just doesn't seem like there's time between the emotion hitting my brain and the words/reaction spilling out.

Can someone explain why hormones get so wacky after a procedure that has nothing to do with the ovaries at all? I'm not the only woman this has happened to. On the EA discussion board numerous ladies talk about it. I didn't believe it, didn't think it'd happen to me, and actually thought it hadn't happened. Sometimes all I can do is sit here thinking WTF?!

And so it goes..

So, life is moving along. Master has taken to wiping me after I urinate, we're both enjoying it. It is a nice way to set aside some very specific Master/slave time. Of course, he also takes it as an opportunity to tease me sexually.

I've been off work for well over a week now, first due to the cramping pain I was having and now due to the pain patch. Last week the doc doubled my dose as I'd developed a tolerance to the lower dose. I'm having the devil's own time of getting accustomed to the new dose. It's left me dizzy and nauseated and now, with the Compazine they gave me for the nausea, I'm fighting to stay awake most of the time. It's not fun. The doctor is supposed to be considering lowering my dose to a midway point between the lower one and the one I'm on now. I just wish they'd call me back and get it started so I can get back to work.

Spring term at school is almost over and before I know it, I'm going to be graduating. I've decided that I definitely want to participate in the commencement ceremony next spring. This is a big accomplishment for me and I really want to celebrate it with my friends and family. I'd like to have a little party with cake and punch after the ceremony too. It will be my very first graduation, ever. I had to quit high school and get my GED so, this is pretty special to me. I just hope I can get through the ceremony without crying my eyes out.

We've been talking more about what comes next and we've also talked about Master finding a new job. We're both considering moving to another town for work. With the line of work Master is in, there aren't many companies here in town so he has to look in other towns. It's really hard to think about moving away from friends and family but I'm willing to do what's necessary in order for Master to be happy and to find job satisfaction.

I've been tagged by Miss Theresa so, without further ado...

20 years ago I...
1. lost my virginity
2. got my braces removed
3. had no idea that life could get a lot harder

10 years ago I...
1. quit smoking cigarettes
2. was about thirty pounds lighter
3. didn't think life would get any better

5 years ago I...
1. started going to college (yes I'm slow!)
2. was diagnosed with asthma
3. had my nipple pierced

3 years ago I...
1. began traveling the road toward M/s with Alan
2. had my world shattered
3. began putting the pieces back together again

1 year ago I...
1. started working in customer service
2. was sure the world would end because of it
3. learned that I was wrong

So far this past year I...
1. have stuck with the job
2. learned to live in spite of the obstacles in my way
3. found that I really like spankings

Yesterday I...
1. felt excited about the prospect of moving to another town for a job
2. got to spend some time with my family
3. urged HRS to read a book

Tomorrow I will...
1. take pictures of LMR and ZBoy before they go to prom with their dates
2. probably sniffle a little at how beautiful and grown-up they look
3. enjoy the quiet time with HRS and Master after the older two have left

In the next year I will...
1. graduate from college (yes, yes, still slow)
2. get healthier
3. see at least one of the older kids move out on their own

I won't tag anyone, if you'd like to do this let me know so I can come read your answers. :-)

Aftermath

Yesterday I had to face the music. He wasn't in a headspace to deal with me Saturday night, he felt it was just easier to let me do what I was set on doing rather than argue with me, which is what he thought would happen. I didn't want to argue, I just wanted him to be firm with me.

He sat down and read my journal and an e-mail I'd sent him while he slept. Then he turned to me and I knew the time had come. It wasn't easy to face because in the light of day, without all the emotions, I don't feel so brave, I feel silly and small. He wasn't angry with me, later he told me he can't be angry with me, or hold it against me, if I get frustrated with the way things are. However, that doesn't mean he can't hold me accountable for my behavior during those times.

He says I was being a brat, maybe I was. I wanted a reaction from him, preferably a dominant reaction. Inside I was screaming "Dom me dangit!" Maybe it'd go over better if I actually said those words instead of acting out.

We had a good talk, he reassured me, and asked me for ideas of how to keep the M/s alive while we're apart like we are. You're never really together when you're working opposite shifts. It's only going to get more intense in the next six months as I finish school. During the summer, two days every week I'll be gone from about 8 a.m. til 8:30 p.m., then in the fall I'll have my internship, one or two classes, and my evening job. It's going to get a lot harder before it gets easier.

Yesterday I didn't have any ideas, I needed to think a while. Today, I have a few ideas.

1.) Having to say a prayer, meditation, or affirmation daily to improve mindfulness of my position.

2.) Having to do an activity daily that reminds me of my position.

3.) Special greeting of Master when I get home from work such as going upstairs and kneeling nude in front of him, perhaps he could ask me "What are you?" and I would answer "Your slave." This is something he does with me when he wants to reinforce my position in my mind.

4.) An activity performed between us when I get home from work that would remind me of my position and would reassert his dominance of me. One thing he enjoys is not allowing me to wipe myself after I urinate, instead he does it for me. This makes me feel small and vulnerable and arouses him immensely.

5.) Submitting to a physical inspection.

I know that a couple of these ideas probably won't fit into our lives, but there are a few that would and I think they'd help us keep the M/s alive even when I can't be here to serve him and when he's too tired to be overtly dominant. I've also asked him for a permanent piece of jewelry, if he feels I deserve such a thing, to wear as a physical reminder of my place. Normally I don't think I "need" such a thing but I'm feeling very vulnerable just now.

All I know for certain is this, I feel happy, satisfied, and content when it feels like the M/s aspect of our relationship is more than just an idea in my head, something I write about, or dream about. I think it's the same for Master. He seemed so very happy and content yesterday after we hashed things out. He retook control, he expected me to serve him and allowed me to do so. He doled out a punishment he felt I'd earned, despite my disagreeing. Then we worked together too cook a sumptuous dinner that we shared together by candlelight in the dining room.

He told me afterwards that it's good that I packed the toys away, it makes the room look a bit less cluttered and they can be easily taken out and put back again. All of this was said with an evil chuckle and a glint in his eye.

Tired

Today has been a long day. Not a good one. Things have been said, disappointments have been felt.

I'm just tired. Tired of lack of lack of time, lack of energy, lack of effort despite the lack of time and energy. I'm tired of hoping only to be disappointed. I'm tired of waiting, and waiting, and waiting some more for the "right" moment.

I give up. We may as well be vanilla for all the kink and M/s in our day to day interactions. I feel like packing it all in and just giving up. Could I walk away from it? I don't know. I just know I'm tired of wanting and waiting only to be disappointed time and again.

I've packed the toys away, I'm tired of them sitting out where I can see them, collecting dust. What's the point of cleaning the dust off them anyway? They won't be used. Most of them are too noisy to use here, and let's be honest, even when we do have the rare night alone, we won't use them. Something will always come up to prevent us from playing, ruin the mood, something.

**EDIT**
I put it all away, the toys, the collar, all of it and he said nothing. He let me do it without comment, perhaps, without notice. That hurts. It makes me sad. Why won't he fight for what he wants? Does it mean he no longer wants this life with me?

Maybe he thinks I no longer want this life with him since I'm willing to pack things away. I don't know. I just can't go on like this. Either I'm slave or I'm not. All the time, not just every few months or so.

Today could have been such a good day. I woke up feeling 'lil, when I showered I shaved myself smooth for him, after the shower I rubbed my body with baby lotion. I felt playful, light, carefree. Then he continued treating me like his wife, didn't get into the playfulness, didn't hear the 'lil in my voice or didn't want to. So, I "grew up" and acted like his wife. Got the grocery shopping done and hoped that we'd have a nice evening together, there was a good possibility of having the house all to ourselves. We did have the house to ourselves but after certain things happened, certain moods changed, and words were exchanged, we spent the evening mostly on our own.

We made an attempt at play that just went horribly wrong. Neither of us was in the right frame of mind for it and neither of us was willing to make any other attempts after the first failure. We've really failed at this. That's how I feel right now. Like a failure. Who was I kidding? Maybe all I've ever been is a masochistic bottom with a slight bent for service. I feel like crap tonight and I can't seem to get sleepy. We're barely speaking, it's so uncomfortable here. I feel as if there's some huge canyon that's opened up between us and I can't seem to bridge the gap.

Satisfaction in Service

Over the past month I've found myself more and more focused on doing things that will please A, things that will make him feel good. I feel driven to it in a way that I haven't really felt before. I don't know if it's due to the limited time we have together or if it's just a shift in attitude. Whatever it is, it almost feels like obsession.

I think about it quite a bit and find myself asking him quite often if things I've done are satisfying.

On the weekends I've been serving him his dinner again, when he'll let me. And last night, though I stayed home with pain, I made sure to fix and serve his dinner to him. I treasure the moments in which I can physically serve him. I think I took it for granted before, didn't value the service I was able to provide as I should have. I think I've mentioned before that I'm slow to catch on sometimes? Well, so I'm finally picking up on a lesson that has been nearly a year in teaching.

Gads, I almost feel like a giddy little girl being given a treat when I get to serve him. I can't help but smile when I bring him a drink or his dinner.

I think one of the reasons (besides the obvious) that I've been so hmm, anxious about the ban on vaginal sex is that I see keeping him as sexually satisfied as I can as part of my service to him. It's another thing I was taking for granted too. Bad slave, I know.

I realized last night that the ban has really forced us to learn to connect in other ways. In the past we didn't make time very often to really touch each other or enjoy what we were doing. We were both focused on the end result; orgasm. Lately we've been focusing on pleasure more often than orgasm. Last night he spent quite a while teasing both of us into a frenzy. That's what happens when you get a Sadomasochist, he wants to torment you but ends up tormenting himself in the process. *chuckling* We tried something a little different last night too that seems to be a LOT more satisfying for both of us. I feel elated at being able to satisfy him again.

Just Fooling Around

Sometimes I wonder if Master and I are just torturing ourselves with the fooling around we've been doing. It always ends with an orgasm for him and maybe one for me. But, I'm here to tell you, an orgasm isn't the be all and end all of sex.

We're both champing at the bit to return to penetrative sex. I'm of two minds about the whole sex issue. I'm frustrated by the imposed abstinence but the fooling around increases my frustration. I almost think it'd be easier for me if we didn't even broach the topic of any sort of sex. I even suggested he find someone else to have sex with while I heal. He looked at me as if I'd grown two heads.

The truth is, I probably wouldn't be happy if we didn't even fool around. I can't help wanting to touch him and be touched by him in return. I love the sounds he makes when I'm giving him a hand-job or a blow-job, and the glazed look in his eyes afterwards makes my day.

Tonight I got to Top him a little and got to dole out a little SM wickedness before we dissolved into fooling around and mutual orgasms. He's been out of sorts for the past few days and I hope the SM gave him a bit of stress relief. It was good for me, that's for sure, for a little while it took my mind of the wicked cramps I've been having. It also let me know that some things aren't going to change, I still get wetter than Niagara Falls when I Top. *G*

I hope the next month sails by before we know it.

Blue

The weather is gorgeous outside, the air smells of life and growing things, and the sun is bright. Yet, I feel sort of blue this morning. It could be hormones, I'm told that they can go crazy after surgery. But I think it's more that I'm going back to work tonight and I'm going to miss spending my evenings with Master, helping him cook dinner, chatting, even just watching TV.

It's not forever, I have to remind myself of that. It's just that the little break we've had, it reminded me of what I've been missing. I was accustomed to our schedules, accustomed to not being here. I missed being here but it was OK, it was part of my schedule. Now, it feels like I'm going to have to get accustomed to it all over again. Sounds selfish doesn't it? Not wanting to work so I can be with Master.

I just miss him, I miss the life we had and this past week I got a little taste of how it used to be and I'm jonesing for more. I want to be DONE with school, I want to work during the day when Master does so I can be with him in the evenings, and most importantly I want it NOW. I don't want to go back to the way we've been. Neither of us with enough energy to carry on much of a conversation much less any sort of significant intimacy. Spending only an hour and a half together before we both fall into bed to sleep and start the whole cycle over again the next day. Weekends spent recovering our energy for the next work-week, sometimes both of us so tired and worn out that we're just cranky and snapping at each other.

I'm trying to throw myself back into work and school, hoping to lose myself in them so I don't miss the other life so much, the one I really want. I don't want to go back to being alone and doing my own thing. I want to be with him doing his thing! I want to be here waiting for him to greet him at the door with a smile. I want to follow him upstairs and chat while he unwinds from the work day. I want to sit with him while he showers and then maybe cuddle for a few moments before he takes a nap. I want to be here doing something and have him interrupt whatever I'm doing and ask me to get him a drink. It's ironic, the things we take for granted.

Stronger

Every day I feel a little more improved, stronger. Sunday night and Monday, however, were a bit of a setback as I began to have more abdominal pain instead of less. It wasn't until it started feeling like my bladder was spasming that I realized it was probably a bladder infection and took appropriate measures. Since doing so things seem to be calming down nicely.

I took yesterday and today off work so I can continue to rest and heal with the firm plan to go back tomorrow. My supervisor seemed to be very understanding but then again, she gets paid the big bucks to sound that way. *chuckles* Either way, I'm not going to fret over whether or not it's okay that I've taken this time. I need it and that's that.

It's been a little frustrating in that I'd dearly love to take a bubble bath but that's on the no-no list for another few weeks at least. Why is it when I can't do things I want to do them most? Always contrary, that's me.

Master has been really great through all of this, I think he was probably worried too but didn't talk about it. It seems like he's needed recovery time after my surgery almost as much as I have.

Overall the experience has been a good one. I think I'll always be nervous about surgery, specifically about anesthesia but I don't feel as afraid of it as I did last week. It could be argued that's due to me being on this side of the experience but I don't think that's entirely it. I've finally had an anesthetic experience that didn't feel as if I were being drowned. I've also learned to be more assertive with doctors and nurses. If I'm nervous I feel no shame in asking for something to settle me down. If that's what it takes to get me through then that's what I'll do.

We have about two to three weeks before we find out if the procedure will help at all with the heavy periods. I'm sure it will have taken care of the mid-cycle bleeding as the polyps were causing that. But, the heavy periods, the bane of my existence these last 12 years, that's what I'm most eager to be rid of. It's almost impossible to imagine what life would be like with lighter periods. How does the average woman with light periods buy personal products? That's something I'm hoping to learn. *smiles*

Firsts

Last night was a night of firsts. First post-op orgasm, first time Master has stuck a finger in my bottom in many, many moons. He keeps threatening to have more than a finger in my bottom before I'm cleared for vaginal sex again.

I hope he's just threatening, he keeps telling me that before the end of my healing I'm going to be so hungry for his cock inside me that I'll take it anywhere as long as I can have it. I keep telling him he's full of it, it's not going to happen but I'm afraid he's right. I'm afraid it's true. I've been so aroused, frisky, horny, since Wednesday and until last night, frustrated too. I'm still somewhat frustrated, the orgasm was good, excellent even but it wasn't all I needed. I need to be f*cked, I need to feel his cock deep inside me as he shudders through his orgasm, buried as far inside me as he can be. We're both aching for that I think.

Still, anal sex? Me? It's not as if I haven't done it before and actually enjoyed it once upon a time. But that was before. Before my digestive issues got as bad as they are. Before anal sex left me with an upset stomach. Sometimes I feel like an invalid, broken, dysfunctional. Blah!

Yet, the thought of all his attempts at persuasion and possible, eventual, success is titillating. For a few moments it would feel SO good. I know it would make him feel good, satisfied. But is it worth it? That's the million dollar question.

Last night I thought the post-orgasm cramps were worth the relief of sexual tension. Today, I'm not so sure. It's possible that I'm going to hurt anyway because I've been weaning myself off the pain meds somewhat. Can't function at work when you're doped up from pain meds and it certainly isn't safe to drive that way.

So, would the possible satisfaction we'd both feel if we have anal sex be worth the intestinal discomfort I'd have afterwards? I can't answer that but I have a feeling I will find that answer sooner rather than later. We're both very sexual people and this enforced abstinence is, well, difficult.

Surgery Update

It all started Tuesday really. Went to see the doc for a follow-up US and pre-op visit. The US showed the one polyp and that the ovary was fine after all. This made things so much simpler and I was relieved. I saw the doc and asked for something to help me sleep that night because I knew I'd lie awake all night worrying if he didn't give me something.

I finally fell asleep around midnight or one a.m. and actually slept until about seven a.m. but I forced myself to lie in bed until eight when I had to get up . I was nervous as expected but I focused on my shower routine and then fiddled around online until it was time to go.

Once we got to the surgery center things got a little, hmm, sticky. They called me back to the business office to fill out paperwork and that's when I realized they didn't have the ablation on the paperwork. Much confusion ensued and at first I was worried that it wouldn't be done. They told me that they shared the ablation machine with another facility and it might not be there that day since they didn't know to have it there. When the lady left the room to go see if the machine was there I told Master that I'd be calling the whole thing off if it wasn't there. No way did I want to have two procedures. I wanted to get it all done at once. He was in agreement with me but luckily the machine was there and they altered the paperwork to show that the ablation would be done. I also made sure to speak with the doctor before surgery to verify that he was, indeed, doing the ablation. Paranoid me?

After we filled out the paperwork we went back to the waiting room, Master and I. M was late so Master suggested that I call him and I did. He was just heading out the door when I called but it was reassuring to know that he'd be on his way. I had brought a book with me to read, thinking it would help distract me. Goodness knows Dora The Explorer on the TV didn't do much for me. I tried to read but I really couldn't focus on the words so I ended up closing the book and just holding onto it like a security blanket while I leaned into Master's embrace.

M finally showed up and he sat between me and the door. They joked that he had to sit there to make sure I didn't run. I guess I looked as if I'd run if I could. Soon they started chatting together and that in itself helped soothe my nerves, let me pretend that we were just hanging out somewhere together and that I wasn't about to go into surgery.

It wasn't long though before a nurse called me back to the pre-op area. I gave Master and M a final glance and then followed the nurse. She kept me distracted with all the fun pre-op stuff, changing into that uber sexy gown, putting on the sexy cap and "booties", and being weighed. What fun. Then she led me into the pre-op waiting room that was filled with recliners partitioned by curtains hanging from the ceiling. Once I sat down she began explaining everything to me. "This blanket here will be with you all through your stay here, if you're cold we can plug it into the heater here." As she said this she pointed to a little machine on the floor near my leg that looked like a small shop vac. The nurse, I think, could tell just how nervous I was and made sure to keep talking, keep me answering questions until she brought the guys back. She asked who was with me and I told her my husband and a very close friend, she asked if I wanted both of them to come back and I nodded my head emphatically yes. I was afraid there'd be problems with asking to have M back there with us but they didn't bat an eyelash at the request.

All through the talks with the nurse antesthetist and the doc the guys sat in front of me and kept up good conversations. It was soothing, calming. I felt safe. I knew I'd be OK, they were there. I asked to have something to calm my nerves once the IV was in and soon they brought some Versed and after that, all was copacetic.

They soon hustled me to the OR and had me hop up on the teeny tiny table that looks like it's made for Barbie. The last thing I remember is someone putting a blood pressure cuff around my left arm, then I woke up from surgery. They didn't even tell me they were putting me under and I certainly didn't feel it. Imagine my relief. No sensations of drowning, no sudden panic that I'm going to sleep and not going to wake up.

When I woke up I was confused, I'd been dreaming that I was at work. I didn't know where I was and I remember the nurse asking me if I were OK and I managed to mumble "confused." That's when we had a little more "drama" the nurse sitting with me told me the procedure went well, they removed three polyps. Seems they found two more that didn't show up on US. I asked about the ablation and she didn't know what I was talking about so she went to find out. In between all this I was writhing in a bit of pain. I don't think I've hurt that much since I woke up from having my combination c-section/gall bladder removal/tubal ligation. It took three shots of pain meds, a shot of ibuprofen, and finally an oral pain med to get the pain under control. It actually controlled all of my pain for a little while, my back felt terrific-until the pain meds began wearing off that is.

In the second stage of recovery I had a different nurse and she asked who was with me, I told her Master and a very close friend and she said she'd bring my family back. It gave me a warm fuzzy feeling hearing those words. These two men, they are my family, my chosen family. I'm sure the nurse didn't have an inkling of our situation, but nonetheless her words warmed my heart. Once Master and M came back to sit with me they started chatting again and trying to comfort me the best they could. They'd gone to lunch, as I'd suggested, while I was in the OR and had a good time doing so. Master called m'Lady and let her know that I was OK and let me speak to her for a moment. I nearly cried hearing her voice. I felt complete then, cared for and protected. They were all there with me at that moment. Each one of them means so much to me in very different ways and I'm very proud to serve them.

Master, M, and I all made sure to ask the nurse to double-check to see if the ablation procedure had been done and she assured us that yes, it had been done. I'm still not entirely sure it was done and won't feel certain until I speak with my doctor. All this unknown business really annoys me.

Wednesday afternoon and evening I lounged around and napped. I was sore, my back and legs began to protest along with my achey belly. I kept the hot water bottle filled with hot water against my belly all of Wednesday and most of yesterday. It really did soothe the ache. Yesterday when I woke up I had a lot more pain and felt really glad that I'd made sure to ask for something to have on hand for it. My throat has been super sore, I think they tried to fist my throat, that's how it feels anyway. All in all, I feel much better today than I did yesterday or the day before. I'm still feeling sort of wiped out and sore but I can tell I'm improving.

Ironically, I've been feeling extremely frisky since Wednesday night. Master has definitely benefited. *g* However, it's extremely frustrating too. No penetrative sex for me at least a few weeks, possibly longer. Orgasms will be OK once my poor uterus isn't as sore. Just getting aroused last night was enough to set off a few crampy twinges. But, I can't help myself. I want him, I want to touch him, I want to pleasure him. I don't think my limitations should mean that he has to go without. I don't want that to be the case. But, still, I'm frustrated. Master says he's scared of the day I'm finally able to have penetrative sex, he says I'm going to "tear him apart". *ggg* Can I help it that, when it's working, I have an extremely strong sex drive?

He's been really solicitous of me and letting me rest as much as I need. It was sort of funny last night, he asked me to get him a drink and I'd just come in from the kitchen and gave him a look before I could stop myself. LMR was standing in the living room and said "You're going to make gimp woman get you a drink?" She was teasing but he actually rethought his request and got his own beverage so I could sit down and rest. She's the most thoughtful of the bunch.

Today I've been lazing, it's been strange not having to go to work this week. I keep feeling as if I'm doing something naughty by not being there. I decided it was time for a change to this place and thanks to the lovely miss Mija, I found the perfect new template. Go visit her site, she does some really lovely work and she's really helpful when you've got questions.

Now I've got to take LMR to the doc to see about a refill on her birth control pills. Perhaps a nap when I get home. *smiles*

Today Is The Day

Today's the day for surgery. I get to keep the ovary, it's fine and healthy and all that jazz. So we'll just be doing the clean and burn. It shouldn't take that long and I'm hopeful that things will go well.

I'm nervous, contemplating taking my stuffed animal with me but I probably won't. I'm a big girl right? Besides both of the guys are furry and they'll be there with me. They'll just have to substitute as my stuffed animals. *picturing Master's face when he reads this and giggling*

I don't know how much updating I'll be doing over the next few days as I have no idea what my recovery will be like. I may just take advantage and vegetate. *grins*

I'd appreciate any and all good thoughts, vibes, prayers, or energy. I'm a big chicken when it comes to surgery. I have to keep reminding myself to just breathe.

Responsibility

And now for something completely different!

A conversation with M and a visit to kaya's journal definitely got me thinking about a sub/slave's responsibility for his/her behavior.

Yesterday during a phone conversation M and I were joking about our roles, they've become rather loose in the past little while, when he tossed out that I top from the bottom. I laughed it off at the time. But I've been thinking about it quite a bit this morning.

Do I really top from the bottom? Or am I operating within the parameters M and Master have both set?

Granted, I do have a lot of dominant characteristics to my personality, I'll give you that. And yeah, sometimes that aspect asserts itself from time to time, mostly in the way of a smarta**ed remark. I try very hard to control that part of me, I do quite a bit of tongue biting.

I think of D/s as being quite similar to a parent/child relationship. If a child acts out and the parent doesn't discipline the child they are giving the child the message that their behavior is OK. I think this holds true for D/s relationships. My owner and those that I answer to, set the parameters for my behavior. They let me know by word and by deed what is and is not acceptable. For instance, when Master asks for a drink and I turn and ask him "What, are your legs broken?" and he gives me that withering look, I know I'm out of line and I don't repeat that behavior. But say he doesn't give me that look and instead gets up to get his own drink, what has he just taught me? He's taught me that if I'm defiant enough, he'll serve himself and that it's OK to act that way because he's not going to discipline me.

I'm with kaya on this one as well. It isn't that I want to be disciplined or punished, that's a crappy place to be in, it feels awful. But, I need to know that I matter, that I'm worthy of notice, that I'm worthy of being corrected. If he corrects me, that indicates an interest in my behavior and a desire for better behavior.

I don't think I top from the bottom, to me that is manipulative behavior and I honestly don't try to manipulate them. I'm not pushing to see how far I can go. What I'm doing is operating within the parameters set by both M and Master. If they don't tell me "Hey, I don't like that, don't do it again." How am I supposed to know that it's displeasing? Each time a behavior that is displeasing goes without comment, it is being reinforced that that behavior is OK.

I sought out power exchange relationships because I need to submit, I need to be held accountable. Tell me to behave in this way and I will strive to do so but please, hold me accountable if I don't. Say something, anything. Just let me know you're watching, that it matters. Otherwise, what are we doing here?

Butterflies

I'm a little less than a week away from the day of the surgery and each morning I wake up with butterflies in my stomach. I have to take a deep breath and push the nerves away. "Not today" I tell myself, "No need to be nervous just yet". The butterflies settle down but they're still there, occasionally twitching a wing or two.

At least I'm not feeling as emotionally overwrought as I was. Seems my little meltdown last weekend was a good thing, it let off some of the emotional pressure.

There are just so many unknowns right now and I really, really, really dislike the unknown. You can't control or plan for things you don't know will or won't happen. Ugh, control has always been such a huge part of who I am and it's hard to just let go and let things happen. I wasn't born a control freak, I was made into one through an early life of chaos. It's not so easy to just put that aside once you've moved out of that kind of life, it becomes part of how you relate to others and life in general.

I don't know if I've actually said what I'm having done so I'll do so now. In the scheme of things it's not really a biggie, my sister's spinal fusion surgery last year was a way bigger deal. This will be outpatient and I should have a fairly short recovery. Although, as has been pointed out on the EA board, my uterus will be recovering from a third degree burn so who knows how long that really takes to heal. Most of the ladies on the EA board have reported feeling almost normal within a few weeks.

I'm going to have a hysteroscopy (so the doc isn't going in blind), a D&C, a polyp removal, endometrial ablation, and possible removal of an ovary.

Contrary to the propaganda out there, EA's are not quick fixes. It can take up to a year to know the final results of the procedure. That's one of the unknowns that are plaguing me right now. I've also got a lot of questions about the ovary. If I have to have it removed (we'll know the day before surgery for sure) what will life be like without it? Will my other ovary be OK without its twin? And the million dollar question, what is wrong with the ovary?? There are so many things the solid mass the doc saw could be and some of them, not good. Hopefully we won't need these answers because the "mass" just went away. But if we do need them, they will be answered in time but I really want the answers now. Impatient, remember? *wry grins*

I'm thankful that I'll have company the day of surgery, Master and M will both be there. I'd be a train wreck without them. They've been really great. Master especially, he's born the brunt of my out of control emotions and quick anger. It's so much easier to be angry, it feels safer, warmer, not out of control and cold like fear feels. I am trying though, to keep my temper under control and to just breathe through it all. Things this week have been a lot better.

Master's and my 19th anniversary is today. 19 years ago today two teenagers who had no idea what life had in store for them, pleged their lives to each other. I've tried and I just can't picture what my life would have been like without him. It seems to me that it'd be dull, less colorful, without him around. He's been my whole world for more than half my life, we grew into adulthood together, we've shared high highs and low lows and everything in between. He's my best friend, my worthy adversary, and my owner. I'm looking forward to the next 19 years and more with him. I told my coworkers last night that it just doesn't feel like it's been that long. But at the same time, it feels like we've been together all my life. It's a good feeling, a good fit, even if we do butt heads from time to time. I think it keeps us sharp. *grins*

He surprised me the night before last, he's gotten SO good at surprises lately. He had a dozen roses sitting on my bedside table, just waiting for me to go upstairs and find them. Usually I have to run upstairs to use the restroom as soon as I walk in the door from work. I have the bladder of a gnat, I swear. That night though, I didn't. So it wasn't until bedtime that I found them. It took me a moment after walking into the bedroom to register that there was something out of the ordinary and a moment after that to realize he'd gotten me roses. As soon as the realization hit me I stopped in place, gasped, and squealed (squealing is way out of character for me) "You got me roses!" I've been smiling ever since. Every time I have to go into the bedroom I see them and smile. Waking up these past two mornings has been happy. I'm not a morning person but seeing those roses sitting there just makes me smile.

I have to chuckle at him, he's always claimed "I'm just not a romantic guy." Pfffttt! How much more romantic can you get than surprising your woman with a dozen roses? I ask you.

Happy Anniversary Master, I love you.

So far away from me

I'd like to write about the things I've been feeling lately but there's a distance between them and myself just now.

For the past little while I've been angry, a lot. Quick to temper over the littlest things. It all feels out of my range of control. I can keep the torrent of tears under lock and key most of the time but the anger, it seems to be taking the place of the unshed tears. Why don't I just let the tears fall as they may? Because I'm afraid if they start they'll never stop. I still have to be able to function, I still have to be "on". I have to have enough of the emotional walls up so that one cross word won't make me cry. I'm hyper emotional and have been since I began to allow myself to feel. I've gone from one extreme to another and it's worse when I'm under a lot of stress.

Friday on the way to work I was thinking about some what if's and ways to plan for them. I was planning my funeral for Master, thinking of the things that I'd like to have that he'd be at a loss to decide if it came to that. Morbid I know, but these are things we don't talk about and they're things I think of when I'm facing surgery. *shrug* These thoughts brought on some tears and I had to work hard to get them under control. I couldn't go into work with red, puffy eyes from crying. Got to work, walked into the building and on the way to the restroom the tears started again. I was panicked. I was worried that I wouldn't be able to control the tears, worried that a bad call would set them off and they'd never stop. By some heroic effort I managed to get them under control and no one around me was the wiser. It's important to me to appear "normal" emotionally, even when I'm not. I don't know why that is, it just... is.

Saturday saw me pop a gasket over another little something, a little nothing. Master had told me that he'd take me somewhere Saturday night. I was bored, had been bored, and was looking forward to going out. Truth be told, I've run out of things to focus on, things to keep me busy and keep me from worrying about the surgery. The way I worry about it you'd think it was major surgery. Anyway, Master was tired and worn out from the previous night's revelry that he'd had and wasn't up to, nor feeling sociable enough for, going out.

Sooooo, being true to form I got angry. Angry out of proportion to the situation. And that's when it happened. I started crying and I couldn't stop. He wanted to comfort me, I didn't want it. I knew that if I allowed him to comfort me I'd keep on crying and wouldn't be able to shore up the dams. Somehow though, I managed to regain my composure while still accepting a little of the comfort he offered. Somehow we managed to salvage the day and not let my meltdown ruin the day. I actually felt better afterwards.

Still, I'd like to write about the things I've been feeling lately but I'm just not *feeling* them at the moment. I know that might not make sense and I'm not sure how to explain it. I've got a buffer between myself and my emotions, the ones that cause the tears anyway.

I can name them though, scared, frustrated, stressed, panicked, cornered, confused, impatient.

I hate the idea that there's enough wrong that I have to have surgery to fix it but I want to get it done and over with now, not tomorrow, not next week. I'm not very good at waiting, patiently or otherwise. There's a problem fix it and be done with it. I don't like not knowing exactly what is wrong. The last time I saw the doc he said I had a "solid mass" in my right ovary. There are SO many things that could be. He speculated about a couple of fairly benign issues and, as Master and I discussed last night, he can't be that concerned about it as he didn't order immediate blood work or push up the date of the surgery. He wanted to wait and see. Only, I hate waiting and seeing.

I don't want to be incapacitated after surgery, I don't want to have to wait and recover while my body heals, I don't want to deal with more hormone imbalances, I don't want to spend the next several months waiting and seeing what the final result will be. I want it all done now! I don't want yet another thing that will kill my libido. The poor thing is gasping its last breath as it is.

It's all the unknowns that are bothering me, all this enforced waiting and seeing. I'm just plain old scared. Scared that I'll die on the table (with no good reason), scared that the procedure won't work, scared that it will make things worse, scared that I'll end up having to have more invasive surgery six months down the road, just plain scared. It's so much easier to be mad than to be scared, than to admit that I'm afraid. I'd love to not think about any of this stuff until it happens. I'd love to be able to believe, wholeheartedly, that everything will be alright and that things will go well. But I just can't. I plan for the what ifs. I always have. When I leave the house I bring all the medications I think I might need, I bring all the personal items I think I might need, I have my cell phone, my keys, I'm dressed in layers just in case I might get too warm, and I have cleansing wipes in my purse just in case I spill something on my clothes.

But how do you plan for the what ifs of something you have absolutely no control over? The short answer is, you don't. So what do I do? I plan the things I can exercise some control over, I've worked far ahead in my classes so that I can afford to take a little time to recuperate and not stress about school, I've been planning my post-procedure work wardrobe complete with shoes that I can just slip on so I don't have to bend over, I've been planning a "who to call" list for Master so he can inform certain people about how the surgery went, I've planned to leave him detailed instructions for notifying my instructors and uploading certain homework in the event that I'm hospitalized, and yes, planning my funeral too. But no, I'm not planning on dying, I've got too much to live for and too much yet to do.

I know I'm certifiable. But it makes me feel better to have things to plan, to have things that I can control so I don't focus on the things I can't. Master's probably shaking his head after reading this. He accepts that I'm nuts, thank goodness, and loves me anyway. But sometimes, sometimes just shakes his head at me and smiles that little smile, the one that says "Some days your craziness surprises even me."

When Master's Unhappy

Lately Master has seemed very unhappy and I'm partly the cause. He's getting burned out from doing his job and, what was once, my job too. In the past, before I worked in the evening, I'd run the kids wherever they needed to go. I'd cook dinners, do dishes, etc. His only responsibility when he got home was to help out with dinner if he chose to and to help HRS with her homework.

I'm sure he misses being served every evening as much as I miss doing it for him. It seems like with me working evenings we've drifted pretty far apart from our roles as Master and slave. Our two-year collaring anniversary was yesterday, we celebrated by having a bit of a row. Nice huh?

I feel like I've asked too much of him but I'm SO close to finishing, just hang in there with me through winter, that's all. We've gone this far it would be a shame, a crime really, to not see it through to the end. Then I can at least work during the day, if not at home. I wish he could see the "prize" the way I do, it's there, tangible for me. If it weren't for the certain knowledge that I'm almost there, I'd be closer to being burned out myself. I have days where I lack the energy to do much of anything and where I'm grumpy as all heck, but I try to keep those days to a minimum. But I think it's easier for me because I'm the one that chose this, it's my schooling. He's sort of helpless and just along for the ride. Granted, he could have told me to give up school for now, it's within his realm of authority, but he wouldn't have done that for a variety of reasons foremost being that he loves me and wants to see me happy.

I just feel so helpless and so at fault for his current state of misery. I want to fix it and I can't do so in the immediate future.

I just hope the little things I can do are enough. I worry that he'll fold under the stress, gods know I've been there and I know how he feels. I just hope that he can find a little hope and a little faith to see him through this with me.

Spank Me

Have you ever woken up and thought to yourself "Gee, a spanking sounds really good today"? I do, and often. Mostly because Master and I haven't really had the time, energy, or opportunity for SM play in quite some time. Also because I really enjoy spankings, or at least I tell myself I do.

I have something of a love/hate relationship with them. I love them until it gets so hard that I can't hold still any longer. I love the feel of his hands on my bottom, I love the soft strokes in between the hard ones that make me shiver with sensation. I love being pushed to the ends of my tolerance and beyond. Although, my tolerance isn't what it once was. I was able to tolerate a lot more way back when, before ye olde health went downhill.

I remember when I first started experiencing the back pain, I was worried that I'd lose my love of SM play. In some ways that love has diminished a little because it is something of an endurance trial when we do SM play. I want to enjoy the good pain but it doesn't take long before the bad pain sneaks in and then my mind is torn between coping with the good and the bad pains and trying to ignore one so as to enjoy the other. Some positions are worse than others, of course. And wouldn't you know it, the one we prefer is one that brings on the bad pain? So, sessions (when we get the opportunity) are necessarily shortened so as to minimize the recovery time afterwards. No worries, we're not further damaging my back nor exacerbating my condition. It's much like overdoing things, if you do more than your body is capable of it aches and gripes a bit afterwards. Mine just aches and gripes for a day or two(or more), depending on how badly I've overdone it. Simple housework can do this to me as well. I hurt for a good week after mopping two bathroom floors and vacuuming part of the house. It's just a fact of life for me, for us, now.

So, anyway, I miss SM play and I crave a good spanking. I think I'm wanting a bit of catharsis as well. The stress gets to me and I keep sucking it all inside and stuffing it into the dark corners but it's starting to leak out, I'm having more headaches and I'm moodier than usual. *blech!*

I guess I could go for a good caning too, one that starts out soft and ever so slowly builds up in intensity. One might think that any old SM play would do but not so. I don't want that out of control feeling, I want a more sensual experience, one that I can relax into and just let go.

I can't say it enough, the support I've received from you all has really meant the world to me. I'm doing better with this and I've stopped looking for the loopholes, although if one appeared I wouldn't be averse to taking it. *grins*

I've been frequenting a web site set up as a support for women who have had or are going to have endometrial ablation, there are women there who've had hysterectomies too and it's been a boon of information and anecdotal experience for me. Endometrial Discussion Group

The doctors can give pure facts and their success rates but what really helps me is the anecdotal experience of other women. Doctors will say it's supposed to happen like X but as we all know, Murphy's Law prevails, plus every body is different and will react differently to a given procedure.

Master and I still aren't on the same page as far as the way we approach this situation. He thinks I'm focusing on the negative, he might be right in part. I tried to explain to him last night that I'm being realistic. This surgery, more than any, is a crap shoot. It *could* be a miracle fix or it *could* be just the beginning of a series of things we do to try to fix this thing. I just don't want to go into this believing it's going to be a miracle fix and end up disappointed and feeling like I somehow failed. I don't want him to have that mindset either, though I don't believe he'd blame me for the failure of the procedure. Still, I think he'd be as disappointed as I would be if it didn't work the way we expected it to.

The brochure and Novasure website (Novasure is the type of procedure I'm going to have in addition to a D&C with polyp removal) speak of the procedure in glowing terms and make it sound like the procedure will be quick, painless, and will get rid of periods forever. If I'd stopped research with that I'd have, in my opinion, a very unrealistic expectation of this procedure.

So, from this point on I'm going to try to be more positive while still being realistic. The polyp removal will help and the ablation should, at the very least, lighten my periods which I'm hopeful for. I'm not sure how life will be post procedure so I don't know what to envision. I've lived with menorrhagia for around 12 years now, I won't know how to act if I don't have to rush to the bathroom every half hour or so during the first few days of my period.

I think it would be accurate to say that today I'm cautiously optimistic.

Just Thinking

I woke up with some odd thoughts this morning. I grew up knowing it was possible that I would have to have my uterus removed, I wonder how many women have this knowledge growing up. It seems to me that men don't live with the knowledge that at any time they could have their reproductive organs removed. Or maybe that's just my bias showing.

My gyno is a male, don't get me wrong he's great, but he cannot empathize with female issues. I told him yesterday that the thought of endometrial ablation is scary to me. He asked why it was scary, after all I'm done having children right? It's my uterus for Pete's sake! How else can I explain it than that? Perhaps if I suggested that he think about having terrible things done to his penis he might begin to get a clue? I know, apples and oranges.

Then I think, why am I so attached to my uterus? I talk often enough of being eager for menopause and the end of periods.

So back to the whole knowledge of the possibility of hysterectomy as I grew up. Mom had a hysterectomy shortly after the birth of my younger sister, I was around six when it happened, I think. Mom began menopause when I was a tween and she was a psychotic b*tch to live with.

My attachment to, and fear for, my uterus is multi-layered. I don't want to have the kind of menopausal experience my mother had. I fear for my sexual functioning, it's never been that good or consistent as it is. So, my goal is to keep it but I fear that I won't be able to. What if I keep developing polyps? What if the ablation doesn't work? What if? What if they have to remove the right ovary after all? More what ifs and I can't find enough good information online to put my what ifs to rest.

It's enough to make a person crazy I tell you. I feel cornered. I do have choices, I know that, I just feel cornered. I'd throw a full-blown screaming fit if I thought it'd help. I don't want to have surgery! Any surgery! That's why I feel cornered, because I have to have surgery. It's no longer optional. I was OK with it all when I felt like I had control over it all.

Master and I haven't really talked about it but I get the impression that his outlook is similar to my doctor's, it's inevitable so why be upset about it? What I wouldn't give for that outlook right now. I'm busily looking for loopholes and have myself halfway convinced that there's a way out.

Betrayed

That's how I feel you know, betrayed. By my own body no less. You get used to it doing certain things and when unexpected things start happening you feel all set adrift and such.

I went in for a test to rule out a certain condition and ended up scheduled for surgery in five weeks. How's that for a kick in the pants? I fear this is just the beginning, somehow I just don't trust my body to behave any longer.

Have I mentioned my all encompassing fear of surgery? Specifically, of anesthesia. Each time I'm convinced I won't wake up, something will go horribly wrong and poof, I'm gone. I hate the way I feel like I'm drowning when the anesthesia starts to take me under and then nothing until I wake again in blinding pain. I hate that loss of control, it scares the piddle out of me. I'm considering asking the doc for something to ease my nerves the night before and that day. But, I'm concerned that the doctor will think I'm drug seeking. *sigh*

I have to find some faith that this will all work out and that I'll be fine. Right now, I'm a little stuck in the catastrophic thinking. Just call me Chicken Little, it feels like the sky is falling and I don't have a bomb shelter.

Simple Pleasures

Snuggling with Master at night just before we fall asleep.
Clean sink drains.
Sharing laughter with Master.
Sharing good food with friends and family.
Reading a good book.
Watching a good movie.
Naps.
Sunny days.
Looking forward to going swimming in the summer.


Master sometimes teases me about being a simple person but really, I'd rather be simple. I can take pleasure in the smallest things, it doesn't take something huge to make me happy and that, to me, is wonderful stuff.

I see all these "rich" people in debt up to their eyeballs and they seem so miserable. They've got things out the wazoo but, that's all they have and I think that's a little bit sad. I'd rather be struggling financially but able to take pleasure in the feel of the sunshine on my skin than be "rich" with a big house and fancy car that I really can't afford and not being able to enjoy the simple pleasures because I'm too consumed with acquiring more things and struggling to pay for all of them. *shrug*

Yeah, I have health issues, so what? I have life and I'm going to enjoy it to the fullest.

Giving Up

One of the things M says he loves about me is that I don't give up, even when I'm down, I won't give up. I think he sees some indomitable spirit in me that most of the time I don't see myself. I'd LOVE to give up when I'm down, I want to give up, I even give it a lot of thought. I spend time looking for loopholes and ways out of whatever situation has got me down. Then I sit quietly for a while, within my mind, and rage at the unfairness of it all. Yep, that's me, I ask why me. WHY!?

It's not that I don't give up, I just can't, not fight. I'm stubborn, bull-headed is what my mother called me. It's been an asset and a hindrance all my life. It may make me seem strong, most times I don't feel strong, I'm just doing what has to be done because there's no other option. Maybe that is a strength. It does get me through the rough spots until I've got the time to fall apart.

But what happens when you continually put off falling apart until there's "time" to do it? What happens when you're just plain burned out and need to recharge but have to keep doing what's got to be done because there are no other options? Answer? You have mini-meltdowns, a certain song on the radio reduces you to silent sobbing as you drive to and from your destinations. For the two to three minutes that is the length of the song you let it all go and then suck it back inside as soon as the song ends. Any longer and you're unable to do your job, your assignments, anything.

Once upon a time I had a really big meltdown, I couldn't function for a period of a month or so. It was a slow road back from that and that period in my life acts as a sort of motivator to maintain control of myself. I guess that's the "final frontier" of submission for me, giving up my hard-won and kept self-control. I don't know if I'll ever achieve that, I know I'm not ready yet. I do it in small, controlled doses when Master and I play but the walls fall back into place shortly afterwards.

Maybe some would argue that I'm not a "true" slave because I maintain that self-control, maybe not. Master doesn't seem to mind it much, if he did he'd insist on a change. He's not the type to allow behavior from me that he doesn't like. I guess we're just right for each other. He needs my strength sometimes just like I need his.

It's just sometimes, sometimes I'd like to give up. I'd like the luxury of not having to keep going. But, I can't seem to not fight. Right now I'm looking for the loopholes, something I can live with, something that will give me a little breathing space, and all the while I keep on keeping on. I'm just tired today.

Happy Birthday

Today I have become the mother of an 18-year-old manchild. 18 years ago today I gave birth to him. He came into this world tiny and wrinkled and apparently angry at being born so early. He was a premie but you can't tell it by looking at him today. He's taller than I am now and has a voice deeper than his father's.

When I look at him I can still see the silly little guy who'd laugh maniacally from the back seat of the car for seemingly no reason and whose laughter was infectious. You couldn't help but laugh when he did. He was a caring little guy too, in the waiting room of the doctor's office he'd go around and hand out magazines to folks who didn't have one. He felt everyone should have something to read. He still has those characteristics though he tries to hide them. It's not manly to care like he does you know. Or so he thinks anyway.

Still, I call him a manchild because he's still clinging tightly to childhood. He doesn't want to grow up you see. I think the only way he's going to is if we throw him from the nest and force him to fly alone. Next week he'll start his first "grown-up" job, he's going to work part-time with his father and will begin to save up for his impending independence. It's just a few short months away and I think we're both, his father and I, anxiously awaiting the date.

We love him, he's our child, but he's never going to grow up and learn to depend on himself if we let him stay here. We're both painfully aware of this though the mother in me has a hard time with pushing him out and forcing independence on him.

At the same time I'm looking forward. I can make use of his old room as my new home office. We'd get my unsightly computer desk out of the living room finally and maybe be able to add another piece of furniture so it's a little more cozy and hospitable in here.

I look forward too, to a little peace. There is always a tension with ZBoy, he's got it in his head that he's an adult and doesn't have to follow our rules or treat us with respect. Yet at the same time he wants us to parent and coddle him. It's tiring, everything is a fight, an argument, or a battle of wills. I wonder if other parents of teenagers go through this? Somehow I think it's just us, something to do with the way we've parented.

We've made a lot of mistakes, I was 16 when I gave birth to him, Master was 18. We weren't ready to be parents but my sense of responsibility wouldn't let me give him up. Maybe it was a maternal instinct, I don't know. I just knew I couldn't give my baby up. Some days I wonder if I've done him a disservice with that decision. It may seem selfish but he saved my life. I think that if it weren't for my responsibility and love for him I wouldn't have had any reason to improve myself. I don't believe that Master and I would have had any reason to stay together without him. Who knows though, that's a big what if.

I'm going to miss his presence here when he moves but at the same time I know I'm going to breath a sigh of relief.

Bits and Pieces

You know, sometimes all it takes is a simple conversation to open one's eyes. I didn't really realize just how completely I've adjusted, made the mental shift, from independent woman to owned slave.

I was talking to m'Lady about a situation and she pointed out that not all dynamics are similar to Master's and mine. I've become so immersed in his ownership of me that it's difficult for me to think outside of our dynamic at times. If he wants me to do something it gets done. In the area of job hunting, there wasn't the option of not finding a job. So, when I see the difficulties other couples have I have a hard time understanding why there's any problem at all. Maybe my thinking has become too simplistic? He wills, I do. It really is that simple for me. Of course there are times I'll drag my heels and he'll give me a gentle, or not so gentle, nudge to get moving.

This got me to thinking about other things that have just sort of come into being that I'm perfectly comfortable with. The checkbook is one of the major things. It was once my responsibility and then he sort of just took it over. I never know how much money we have in the bank (though I could look if I wanted to), I never have the check card unless I need to get fuel for my car or he's placed it into my hand to make payment when we're at the store. I needed fuel today and I asked him if I could have the check card, no qualms about asking, simply I needed fuel and needed access to money to get it. I'm content, and I think he is too, with this arrangement. It's just one more aspect of control he's taken or I've given or has shifted naturally. I'm just bemused by it all, it happened when I wasn't looking.

There are some further education classes I'd like to take to add to my personal resume. Throwing a Victorian Dinner Party, Massage for Stress Reduction, and Exploring the Teas of the World. I think these are excellent skills for Master's slave to have. Each class would enrich me as a person and would give me more skills that he could make use of. Of course only one of these classes works with my current schedule. Isn't that the way of things?

We're discussing options for my misbehaving uterus right now and I have to say, I really wish it wasn't necessary. Beyond a possible fibroid, it could just be screwy hormones. This is all pretty scary because of all the what ifs to consider. Each option has its side effects and possibility of failure. I wish there was one tried and true method that works all the time 100% that didn't involve uterus removal. *sigh*

Bad Boys

Have you ever found yourself cheering for the bad guy in the movies? Wishing he'd win in the end? Has that character ever made his way into your dreams?

I realized the other day, after watching The Phantom of the Opera, I fell a little in love with the Phantom. I could relate to his internal torture, he was gorgeous despite his deformities. His voice, his lips, his eyes, and the intensity of his love for Christine. I wanted her to love him, I willed her to love him, and cried with him when she chose Raoul. I wanted to kiss away his pain.

I'm always like this, I root for the bad guy, I fall for the bad boy. I think that's why I love the Anita Blake: Vampire Hunter series so much, eventually the girl falls for the bad boys.

But, even though I like the bad boy, I want him to be a good guy too. Yeah, I want to have my cake and eat it too. That's part of what drew me to Master, his bad boy side but there was more to it than that. Underneath he was tender and caring. He wrote endearing love letters to me, catered to my every want and need, and was a shy boy when we had our first kiss together. It's that whole package that draws me in and keeps me but initially, it's the bad boy, the misunderstood rebel, that piques my interest.

I'm in a bit of an introspective mood today. It all started last night at a play party when we were discussing my personality. M'Lady hit the nail on the head, as always, she said I'm not exactly a dominant personality but am very much about controlling my surroundings and my life. This would be what gets in my way when I'm trying to just submit to Master. This is what I get teased about and why people like to watch me during SM scenes. I give up control and just react for that small space of time.

10 Reasons I Love Master

10. He puts up with my mercurial moods.
09. He's the perfect match for me in almost every way
08. He can cook, well.
07. He's an iron marshmallow, on the outside he's tough but on the inside he's soft and sweet.
06. He's got a wicked sense of humor and a sharp wit.
05. He's the perfect adversary, loves to have debates.
04. He's extremely intelligent.
03. He is concerned about my well-being.
02. He loves me.
01. He shows his love for me in a million little ways each and every day.

Reunions

Today I got to see and be with M for the first time in nearly a year. We've both been so busy and free moments are rare. The planets all aligned today and Master ordered me to have fun, meaning to have M over for a romp in the sheets.

I was a little nervous, I hadn't been with him in such a long time and if it hadn't been for Master's order I might have actually found an excuse to not see M today. I guess I was afraid that maybe he wouldn't be attracted to me anymore, or that I wouldn't be attracted to him. I was afraid that maybe our passion for each other might have cooled. I should just listen to Master more often, he knows both of us and knows we can't keep our hands off of each other when we're in the same room.

Sex with M is different than sex with Master. M is a gentler type, likes soft sex with just a little bit of slap and tickle mixed in. He'll be rough if I ask for it but most of the time, he prefers it gentle. For the past few years he's been more indulgent with me, allowing me to do whatever I wish to him, which turns me on. Most of the time I take a lot of pleasure in teasing him mercilessly, bringing him close to orgasm and backing off, over and over again. By the time we're finished he dozes off for a few minutes to recuperate because I've exhausted him. I have to admit, it makes me feel good to see a man so well-satisfied and worn out. It tells me I've done my job right.

I wrote a detailed report e-mail to Master just a little while ago and I hope the retelling arouses him so that he will take me and use me hard tonight. I am nothing if not my Master's wanton slut. *smiles*

New Years and Starting the Plan

Well our New Year's celebration was pretty good. We spent the night with our Tribe and there was much laughter and merriment to be had. The only downside was Master finding a sheet of glass with his arm and getting a small cut. (long story) I got slightly irritated with him because he wasn't in a frame of mind to deal with the situation so I switched into "mom-mode" and got pretty grumpy about it. I felt out of sorts because he wasn't taking charge and I felt like I had to. There was no way I could leave a little pile of broken glass overnight and so near to where he was sleeping. Numerous visions of disaster flew through my mind at warp speed, any amorous mood I'd been feeling was swept away by the need to take care of the situation since no one else was able to. I don't know if he fully understands why I reacted the way I did.

Yesterday marked the beginning of my health improvement efforts and it started off pretty good. My weigh-in wasn't as disappointing as I'd expected it to be. I've only gained back six pounds of the 15 I'd lost last year. (six is FAR better than 15 and then some as I'd imagined)

I did my first round of Pilates for 20 minutes yesterday and am proud that I made it through. I SO didn't want to exercise yesterday. It wasn't too bad though my back did ache a little when I was finished and later last night the bottoms of my feet hurt (a sign that my sciatic nerves were pinched a little) but all in all I didn't feel too bad. Today however, is a different story. My muscle's muscles ache. My arms, which didn't really do much of anything yesterday, hurt, my sides hurt, my back, my legs and most especially my abdomen. Pilates is really effective for targeting every muscle in your body. I'm going to do another round tomorrow achy muscles and all. This should earn me frequent flyer miles or something on my masochist's card don'tcha think? *grinning*

I hope that by the end of this month my body becomes accustomed to the exercise and begins to grow stronger. Okay, so I'm hoping my muscles will tone up and I'll look better too but mostly I want to be stronger, I want more stamina.