Homework day

I have been slacking off on my homework. I have been what I would consider to be a bad student. I just haven't had the energy to spend on homework and doing well in class.

I find it hard to care about school when my back hurts so much that I can't even concentrate on the tasks at hand. Having a few days off from work has been wonderful. My back is feeling pretty good today so I took advantage and spent the day catching up in one of my classes and will spend the rest of the day catching up in the other.

I feel good about getting caught up and I hope I can raise my grades to something more acceptable.

The weekend

Our weekend was a bit of a let down. Master had a migraine Saturday so we weren't able to go to the party and subsequently, didn't get to do the cutting demo.

I was looking forward to the entire night and was disappointed but I was more concerned about his health. At first I felt very pouty and wanted to throw a fit about not being able to go. It was hard to keep the poutiness out of my voice and I'm sure I wasn't entirely successful. On the drive home, however, the poutiness seemed to leak out of me and my concern for him replaced it. We got home and we lounged on the couch watching TV all night. We went to bed early and slept late Sunday.

I think the extra sleep did him some good; his headache was gone by morning; although, a grouchy irritableness had descended on me. Everything and everyone was driving me to distraction. Teasing comments that would have earned a teasing come back from me, felt personal and upset me.

I felt like nothing I could do or say was the right thing. It was just one of those days. We went to the store and on the drive there I did my best to calm down and find my center. It wasn't easy but by the time we got home Master and I both felt better. My mood had set off a dark mood in him. It could have been a terrible day but we managed to salvage it and had a good afternoon/evening together.

I am proud of myself, last night before bed; I asked Master if we could make a little time to play this week. I realized that some of my bad mood earlier in the day could have been related to frustration over Saturday night and a need to play. Asking for what I need is getting easier. Being able to ask for something I need is a relief. Now, it's up to him to decide if I really need it or not and that feels good too.

Back...again

I went to my appointment with the specialist yesterday with a small amount of hope that he might be able to help me manage this pain. No dice Jack.

After he comes in and looks at my chart and hears what I have to say he says "What would you like me to do?" My jaw probably hit the floor at that point. He's the doctor, isn't he supposed to have the ideas? I asked him "What can we do?" He reiterated his previous statement (from the last appointment) that there is nothing surgically he can do. What I'm getting from him is that since there's nothing surgically to be done that's it, I'm on my own.

He told me if I lost 100 pounds that might help, it would certainly relieve some of the stress on my back. He might as well have told me to climb Mt. Everest tomorrow for all the good that's going to do to get me through each day until I can lose the weight. IF I can lose the weight.

He also told me to get a job, when I asked what I should do about work, that doesn't have me sitting or standing in place. I probably looked at him cross-eyed when he said that. I'd already told him that I can only manage about an hour of walking before I'm done in. The man just didn't seem to be listening. I feel like he didn't want to see me at all.

He did prescribe water aerobics which, and I agree, would be good for me. But unless it is done on a one on one basis, our insurance won't cover it. He suggested I check out a weight loss program at the bariatric center of one of the local hospitals. I got scheduled to go to the next info seminar that they have but I have little hope of actually being able to go through the program, our insurance doesn't cover anything to do with weight loss.

Yesterday I felt hopeless, useless, defeated, and resigned to living with this pain. I cried as soon as I got to the car, barely able to contain my tears until that point. I cried during the drive home and then again when Master got home and asked me how the appointment went.

I hate, hate, hate, hate, that I have back problems. It makes me angry that working makes me hurt so bad that the rest of my time is spent in pain. It makes it hard to enjoy doing anything. The pain affects my service, it affects everything.

Master says he will get a part-time job soon so I don't have to work. I can't help feeling like a burden. I want to work, I want to help out around here, and I don't want Master to have to do it all.

I feel like he should resent me. I guess that would feed into my negative feelings about myself. It's a good thing he's wiser than I am and didn't act resentful at all yesterday.

Exhausted musings

My mind is exhausted, my body is too, but the pain keeps me awake, constantly shifting position in bed to find one that isn't as painful as the previous one was. I'm concerned that my restlessness disturbs Master's sleep. I'm concerned that seeing my discomfort is causing him undue worry and stress.

Work is going well; I'm picking up on each task presented to me pretty quickly. Actually, thus far, it's very simple work that doesn't require a lot of mental effort. I actually battle through the morning to keep myself from nodding off. I wonder what they'd say if I did nod off? Gods, at those moments a nap would feel SO good and I want nothing more than to curl up somewhere, even under the table, for a good solid hour or two of uninterrupted sleep.

I'm looking forward to this weekend's play party; it looks to be a smaller one. While I like the small parties, I wonder if the low numbers are due to us presenting the blood play demo. Perhaps I'm trying to take blame that just isn't mine to take.

I am looking forward to the cutting and the play piercing. Master has yet to decide on a design for this cutting. I was partial to the Kanji symbol for slave but Master is partial to Runes. Guess who wins? *grins*

You know, it's a lucky thing that I am not hung up on scars and such, I love being Master's canvas and I love seeing the permanent reminders of his work on my flesh. His marks in my flesh mark me as his more surely than the collar he gifted me with. Bleeding for him is the deepest form of submission I can think of... offering up my life force for his pleasure. There is power in the blood.

Wakeful

I should be dead asleep right now but instead I'm wide awake with my mind racing.

I've begun working again, instead of the relief it should be, it is something I dread. My back had begun to improve, then I began sitting for longer periods to do school work and it began to ache a bit but was quickly alleviated by going to lie down or just lounging on the couch for a while. I thought I'd be fine to work... I was wrong. I've only worked two days and I have to force myself to go and to stay there. I'm going back to the doctor, there's no doubt in my mind.

I feel a bit discouraged; I'd be lying if I said otherwise. I thought I was getting better. I thought I'd be able to work pain free or pretty close to it. The way things appear right now, to work is to be miserable and that's going to be my lot in life because I have to work. I already want to avoid doing anything after work. I am exhausted and I hurt. I'd give anything for a comfortable position to rest my body in. Anyone have a gravity free atmosphere handy?

I don't want to whine, I'd love to be able to bear the pain with quiet grace and dignity. I'm just not that kind of person I guess.

I'm frustrated by this turn of events. I'm slightly intimidated by my doctor's attitude of "Physical therapy will cure you; don't come back unless it doesn't get better." I feel like this relapse is somehow my fault, I was getting better and now I'm not.

I'm exhausted, I need rest...it's just out of my reach right now.

Life update

I've been trying for days to think of something to write. Life has been moving along at its own pace, some days have been good and some have been not so good.

On Wednesday I received a letter that I had been waiting for. I have finally been scheduled for an interview for a position with the city. It's nothing fancy, just data entry and office work but it's right up my alley and the benefits would be good enough that Master could afford to look for a job with a better employer.

On the one hand I want to get excited at the prospect of getting this job but on the other hand, I know I am not as qualified as others who might have applied for the position. I don't have much for a work history, aside from some occasional temp work; I've been a stay at home mom since I was 16. During some interviews I have seen a look cross the face of the interviewer as soon as I say that... it's quite obvious that I've lost status in their eyes. To say I feel intimidated before an interview is an understatement.

The submissive's forum that I started a couple of months ago is doing well. We have a nice core group of people who attend every month. I'm finding my groove; I'm learning to lead a discussion which isn't easy for me. I'm much happier sitting on the sidelines listening. I've been modeling my discussions after a bottom I admire. She leads another discussion group in our area and gives some of the best presentations I've seen. Thanks s, you've really inspired me.

I saw palpable evidence Wednesday night that the sub forum is really needed. The people who attend love having a dominant free space where they can be with their fellow submissives. It was rewarding for me to know that I've helped create something of value. Master really has little need or want of the local kink community but I've got an activist heart, I want to help the local community. I want to give something back. As long as he will allow it I will continue to be as active as possible in the local community.

The next forum is something I am really looking forward to, we're doing kinky crafts. Yay for creative stuff, I love to create and it's been some time since I've done anything crafty. I'll be demonstrating how to make rope floggers and at the same time I'll be making a matched pair of heavy knotted floggers for Master to practice Florentine style flogging with. *silly grins* Did I mention that being flogged Florentine style feels really good?

I'm creating a really nice handout for the cutting demo we're doing on the 6th and Master informed me last night that I'm writing his presentation too. I'm happy to be able to make a contribution. Off to the research cave! *giggles*

He's baaaaack!

The Sadist has come back! For several months Master just hasn't felt very sadistic. I've done my level best not to whine or beg or even brat for pain play. But the truth is I've been in serious need of a good beating for quite some time.

With all the stuff that's been going on between my back and Master's work schedule being all over the charts, I didn't realize just how badly I needed pain play.

Last night was spent with our kinky tribe and an impromptu play party. We started by teasing and tormenting my Lady's boy but I just wasn't in the right headspace to enjoy it. After his turn at being tormented it was mine. I was restrained and blindfolded and all three Dominants began tormenting me. I couldn't manage to submit to it, instead I fought. I was combative and actually safe worded on a couple of things that were too much. Finally I hit sensory overload and everything came to a screeching halt as I froze, every muscle in my body taut and my hand on Master's chest holding him at arm's length. With tears in my eyes I took several deep shuddering breaths to fight back the sobs that were threatening to overtake me. I managed to gain some semblance of control over my emotions and was then ordered to orgasm for them.

It was so hard to do at first, I was still feeling very defensive and combative, my muscles still tense. I wasn't at all aroused yet there was Master whispering in my ear to cum for him, to give them my orgasm. I did the only thing I could do. I obeyed. It took longer than usual but I succeeded.

Afterwards I was lightheaded and very floaty feeling. Somehow, having to share such an intimate part of me pushed me into a very deeply submissive state. I felt very deeply submissive and masochistic and still do.

This afternoon Master re-introduced me to the Sadist. I had to fight to keep quiet because the kids were in and out of the house. He blindfolded me and had me lie on my stomach on the bed. He played with my mind as much as he played with my body. His goal was to cause maximum pain with the least amount of noise. I writhed on the bed as he worked over my back, the backs of my legs and the bottoms of my feet. He reduced me to my core... nothing else existed but Master and the pain he wanted me to take.

I remember begging "please Master, please" though I'm not sure if I was begging him to stop or to continue.

Master finished by taking his pleasure from me. I reveled in the feel of him thrusting into me with savage need.

After we'd bathed and collected ourselves, we spent the rest of the afternoon with our youngest daughter. We took her to lunch and then to the grocery store where we picked out the pumpkins we'll carve into jack-o-lanterns this week. Master was quite the gentleman and did the heavy lifting for us, our pumpkins are really huge.

Sometimes it strikes me as funny, S&M in the early afternoon and a family outing in the late afternoon.

Growth and change

From Kindlings

1. "There are no mistakes. The events we bring upon ourselves, no matter how unpleasant, are necessary in order to learn what we need to learn; whatever steps we take, they're necessary to reach the places we've chosen to go." -Richard Bach

The things we might term as mistakes can be learning experiences if we're mindful enough to learn the lesson offered. I used to think that the Universe was random and that horrible things happened for no reason. Then, our oldest daughter was molested. It was a major Event in our lives and a turning point for me. I knew then that my own childhood abuse happened so that I could be there for my daughter in a very unique way. It was also a learning and growth experience for me. I was offered the opportunity to finally slay the biggest of my own personal demons. I was given the choice of facing my demons or continuing to run from them. It was a crossroads.

I believe that every experience, painful or otherwise, is an opportunity to learn and grow in disguise.


3. "Growth means change and change involves risk, stepping from the known to the unknown." -George Shinn

Don't I know it? Not so long ago change was a dirty word in my book. I abhorred change almost as much as Nature abhors a vacuum. Change can be painful and unpleasant as much as it can be pleasant and fun. I spent a good part of my life trying to control things so that I could avoid feeling any more pain. What I didn't realize was this; I was stunting my own growth as a person.

Without growth and change are we truly living life?

The new me

I was craving change. I craved a major change, something to shake things up a bit; so, the thing to change? My hair. I told Master I wanted a new style. He responded with "It's your hair" which led to a small discussion about whose hair it really is. Since it's attached to my head, which is attached to my body, which ultimately belongs to Master; I asserted that it's his hair. What the discussion finally boiled down to was this, if he absolutely hated what I did with it, it would grow back and in the meantime I could wear a paper sack over my head. I just love his sense of humor.

So, I did it yesterday. I spent 15 minutes looking through style books and wavered back and forth between two hair styles, one that was similar to what I already had and one that was a drastic change. I took a HUGE deep breath and chose the drastic change. No gradual steps for me, no siree, I had to dive right in. As the stylist began to work on my hair I watched and wondered, "Is it too short? Will Master like it? Will I like it?" As my new style took shape it became hard to look at myself. I stopped looking like me. It was really a bizarre experience and one that filled me with just a wee bit of anxiety.

I have bangs again after several years of not having bangs and it now just barely brushes my shoulders when it's wet and doesn't really touch my shoulders at all when dry. It used to hang down near my bra line.

I spent the afternoon getting acquainted with my new 'do. I really like the way it looks when I have my sunglasses on. 'Course I'm not really looking at me then. I did take some time to stare at my image in the mirror; it just didn't look like me. It didn't look like the woman I'm used to seeing reflected back at me. I became more anxious then that Master wouldn't like this new 'do.

The first of our family to see my hair was our son. He asked me what I'd done and told me it didn't look bad, it just looked crazy. What does that mean??
Master was next to see my hair. He just stared at me for the longest time. He looked a bit bemused; I think he was a bit speechless. He told me it looked good, but that it was so different that it would take time to get used to it.

Master also remarked that I could probably pull off the young and innocent look now. Last week I had told him that I didn't feel I did it convincingly. I think now that a *lot* of it is my mindset. I never thought I was one whose identity was attached to her hair. With the long hair I felt mature, in control, I felt womanly and powerful. I feel exposed now, vulnerable even. This new haircut has really had a profound effect on me.

Master and I both are wondering how our friend J will react to my new 'do. In all the time we've known him he has never once suggested that I change my hair. This is really something when one realizes that he does this with nearly every submissive woman he meets. One of his kinks is transformation, he likes to take the diamond in the rough and polish her until she shines. He loved my hair the way it was.

Master loved my hair the way it was too. I wonder, since the change has had such an effect on me, if it will affect him.

Melancholy

Saturday night was odd. It was a nice night with just Master and I, the kids were at his sister's house for the night. We were driving around trying to sort out what we might have for dinner and the whole time I just felt very, empty and alone. It was a bit of a familiar feeling, that depression that hits when the weather turns chilly. It's not even quite depression, it's melancholy. That ho-hum, doldrums, there's no color in my life, feeling.

That feeling stuck with me until I woke this morning, from a very odd dream I might add. This morning my old festive self returned, further aided by watching Just Visiting with Master this afternoon. We're such movie nuts; we quote movies at each other all the time. This one actually has lots of quotes that are pertinent to our lifestyle. *grins*

I'm looking forward to the holidays; Samhain is just around the corner. I probably won't do anything special, I rarely do these days. Perhaps I'll just commune with Nature under the stars and sift through my fond memories of my loved ones who've passed on.

In other news, my back seems to be on the mend. Until last night I had been pretty much pain free for a couple of days. Last night's ride in the car sent the right buttock to aching. Tonight Master used our massage balls on my back which turned out to be a boo-boo. It aggravated the muscle that runs through my left buttock. So, I'm a bit achy tonight but I am proud to say that I did my exercises. I firmly believe that the exercises are truly helping my back to heal. Now, if I could just lose some weight, which would really help.

I got on the scale at the doctor's office Friday and was only too happy to get off the blasted thing. I'm surprised it didn't start screaming at me to get off. I'm close to my heaviest weight again. It was the impetus I needed to work on taking control of my eating again. Being home with this back injury has been bad for me. I've just let loose, let everything slide. Granted, I couldn't do a lot of the housework; but my back pain shouldn't have been an excuse to eat as if I had the metabolism of a 14 year old kid. Ahh well, kicking myself isn't going to fix the situation is it?

Life goes on and as long as it does I still have the opportunity to enact changes.

Alright, honesty, I feel a bit blue about the weight and the fact that my clothes are almost too snug for comfort. But I'm trying to see the ill fitting clothes as incentive to eat healthier and get into better shape. Allowing myself to get depressed about it is a self-defeating cycle that will keep me gaining weight. I'm going to see about getting back to work soon, that should stop some of the eating-just-because-I-have-nothing-better-to-do-eating, plus it will reduce the stress eating that both Master and I have been doing due to worrying about money.

You know, bodies should come with owner's manuals. There is a *lot* of upkeep and maintenance involved in keeping one's body running smoothly. I haven't even touched on the landscaping aspect of body maintenance. Why can't we have the things houses have, like lifetime shingles, or lifetime siding. Wouldn't that be great? Shaving, a thing of the past, now we have lifetime hairlessness. Yeah, I'm dreaming. I'm also goofy because it's way late and I should be in bed. Thank goodness the melancholy has passed and made way for goofiness. *grins*

Think before you speak

After seeing a movie with my sister yesterday I ran a couple of errands and came home to find Master dozing. He'd taken advantage of having the place to himself and decided to have a wee nap.

He wasn't quite asleep and I caught his attention when I opened the bedroom door. I asked if he were napping and offered to leave him in peace. He said "Come here slave." "I have a use for your mouth." That's when it went all wrong.

As I walked into the room and flopped on the bed I reminded him that he'd had an O earlier in the day. The truth is, I was in pain and thinking only of not adding to that pain. He became a bit angry with me, justly so, and I went on to explain in an exasperated tone that I was sore and that my stomach was upset. Then, disappointment colored his voice as he told me "Fine, never mind." I sat there looking at the reminder he wrote for me and felt perfectly awful.

I went downstairs with his permission, got something for the pain, something to take the edge off my hunger, and collected myself. Then I went back upstairs and watched him for the longest time, he'd decided to get up and have a shower. Over and over in my head I practiced the words "May I suck your cock?" I wanted to try to make up for my bad behavior. I wanted to erase the disappointment Master felt, I wanted to please him.

After he finished his shower and had relieved himself, I knelt on the floor near the bathroom door; he noticed me and asked "What?" I blushed then and felt rather silly, the lil me fidgeted under his curious gaze. Then I managed to say it as he looked away. "May I suck your cock?" He threw my words back at me then. "I've already had an O today, remember?" "I'm just being greedy, I don't really need one." All this as he stood, naked, in front of me, his cock just inches from my lips. I just knelt there with my eyes downcast and my head bowed slightly feeling as if there would be no way to redeem myself when Master said I could put just the head of his cock in my mouth. I readily obeyed. I swirled my tongue around the soft, silkiness of it, savoring the feel of it in my mouth and the few drops of urine that clung to the tip.

Just then he ordered me onto the bed, naked, to give him a proper blow job. He reclined on the bed while I leaned across his leg and began to suck his cock with gusto. I worshiped his cock then, demonstrating my devotion to him and to his pleasure.

I used to wonder what people meant when they talked about cock worship, or boot worship. I understand it now as a physical demonstration of one's reverence and devotion.

He fucked me then, hard and relentless. He pounded into me, it hurt and I relished the pain. Each thrust sent chills racing over my skin. When he came he thrust deeper inside me than he ever has before. It felt as if his cock would tear through me and come out the other side, it was sweet agony.

Afterwards he laid on the bed recovering and I sat near him. I apologized for my earlier behavior; he agreed with me that I was out of line. I was hoping for absolution, what I got was an acknowledgement that I was trying to make up for my mistake.

I guess I didn't really deserve absolution. Perhaps what I do deserve is punishment.

Apathy

No, I haven't really turned apathetic; I just haven't felt much like writing lately. I haven't got much good to write about. My back is still giving me fits and looks to continue to be a problem for the rest of my life.

I saw an orthopedic specialist yesterday who told me that "arthritis" is just a catch-all term. I've actually got two discs in the very early stages of degeneration. So, I've got degenerative disc disease. It happens to everyone as they age. The thing is I'm only 33 isn't that too young??
What it means is that the discs can't take the stress they once could and they get aggravated, then the muscles around them get aggravated which results in pain. He's prescribed more intensive PT, isometrics. I hope it works; I'm tired of being in pain. I'm tired of not being able to go on long car rides. Most of all I'm tired of being a burden on Master.

I feel very discouraged right now. Master hasn't been able to play with me in the way he needs to because he's been afraid that he would further injure my back. I'm concerned that he's lost his desire to do any S&M play with me. Being Daddy's little girl complicates things enough without having fear of causing injury added to the mix.

One might think that being a masochist I'd be getting all the pain I could ever want right now with my back. I sometimes wish it worked that way for me. At least then I could find something enjoyable about all of this. *chuckles*

I need a good cry. I've needed it for some time now but I haven't been able to just let go. I keep it all stamped down inside.

I did have a very big positive this week. This month's submissive's forum was held Wednesday and the topic was role play with a focus on age play. It felt good to be in a room with so many other age players and to not have to worry about whether or not I might squick them. It felt good to share something that I enjoy so much with others. I'm not the world's best presenter but I do my best to lead a good discussion and thankfully there have been others present who help to keep the discussion going. I am very grateful to them for their assistance.

Saturday morning musings

It's early Saturday morning and I'm awake. There's something wrong with this picture. Saturday mornings are meant to be spent lazing about in bed aren't they?

Of course, there's a reason I'm not lazing about in bed this particular Saturday morning. I had to take Master to work so that I could have the car for the day because I have to go to Best Buy to pick up our snazzy new computer. I'm pretty excited about it. Mostly I'm excited about the larger monitor and the much larger hard drive. Alright, the speed will be nifty too, the computer we have is a dinosaur compared to the new one.

I'm a little nervous about being able to get back online. Of course, I probably won't get to do any changeover until tomorrow. I have to wait for Master to do the lifting and moving of computers. Master gave me express orders not to do any lifting because it would aggravate my back. He knows me too well; I think I'm glad about that.

So, if you don't hear from me for a while, you'll know I'm in computer changeover limbo.

Frustration

I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to lie on the floor and have a full-blown tantrum. Instead I suck it all in, tamp it down and maintain as much control over myself as I am able.

Our teenagers are breaking my heart and driving me mad. Our oldest daughter is angry with Master; she blames all of her woes on him. She takes that anger out on me. Apparently I'm a safe target. I yell back in anger, things escalate, she slams her bedroom door and rants to herself but loud enough that I can still hear.

Our son gets frustrated with school, comes home, and acts like an arrogant twit. Expecting that I'm going to jump when he says jump then yells at me when I jump his case about it.

I try not to give in to my anger; I try not to yell at them. Sometimes I succeed. Today I didn't.

Pain

It seems to be the major focus of my life right now. The pain I feel as I sit here typing. The pain I feel as I sit on the couch watching TV. The pain I feel as I stand doing dishes. The pain is a constant with few moments of respite.

It was better last week, didn't hurt unless I overdid things or sat too long. Then I got the bright idea last weekend to do a quick clean of the kids' bathroom, clean the shower/tub in our bathroom, and go out to the bar where I did a little dancing in my seat. Now the pain is nearly as bad as it was when I first went to the doctor. I can be SUCH an idiot sometimes.

Master says I should have asked him to clean our shower/tub. How can I make him understand that I feel guilty enough about not keeping up on the housework without asking him to do it for me? Keeping the house clean is my job, it isn't right that he should do it. Yet, someone has to and I'm not allowed to be that someone right now.

He's losing patience with me, with my back pain. He wants me back at work and he wants me working full-time. I understand that he's stressed with money issues. I just wish he would understand my feelings instead of making comments here and there about me getting back to work. It makes me feel like I should have ignored the pain weeks ago and never gone to the doctor. It's what he would do if he were me. I feel like I'm disappointing him.

There's also the fear that I won't be able to keep up with my classes while working full-time. He says he'll take care of the home stuff but I still won't have much time to do class work. I get overwhelmed thinking about it. I try not to think about it and I try to have a "just do it" attitude. It isn't easy.

The ups and downs

This has been a hectic week as far as my health goes. Monday I was feeling good, my back pain was under control. Then I woke up Tuesday with the familiar twinges of a urinary tract infection. I get them so often I should have a standing prescription for antibiotics.
By Thursday the infection was improving thanks to modern medicine but just as I was getting into the shower before PT I pulled something in my back and re-injured it a bit. *sigh*

So, I'm coping with renewed back pain and a resolving UTI and then Friday I wake up with a weird rash on my cheeks. I am sorely tempted to scream "WHAT NEXT?!!" but I know better, that's just tempting fate.

I'm afraid the rash is a sign that I'm becoming allergic to the Cephalexin I'm taking, and have taken for the last two UTI’s. I keep building my list of drugs I'm allergic to, before long there won't be anything I can take to cure my stupid infections. It's a scary prospect.

I'm unhappy about the rash, I feel very ugly right now, it's a red rash with an odd texture and little white pimples in it. It's just disgusting looking. I see the doc on Monday so we'll see, it might not be an allergic reaction at all, it might just be some new condition sent to plague me. *grumbles*

We did have a nice night out last night. Master invited m'Lady over for a steak dinner and then we went to see Suspect Zero. We ended up having a bit of a disagreement at the ticket window though. For some reason Master had the idea that we were seeing Hero. He disavowed any memory of discussing seeing Suspect Zero though we did. It makes me so angry when he doesn't remember things we've discussed because he will then declare I'm wrong just because he doesn't remember it. It doesn't happen a lot but frequently enough that it is very frustrating.

I had enough of having my memory questioned as I grew up. There's nothing quite as upsetting as having your mother tell you that you remember things wrong when you know full-well that things happened exactly as you remembered them. So when Master does the same thing it makes me feel angry, it makes me feel like a little kid too. I get very defensive and I either shut down or I argue. Neither are appropriate behaviors, they're defense mechanisms that have yet to be defused.

Instead of arguing I should have been more diplomatic. I'm sure it doesn't feel good to not remember a discussion that others remember. I wish I could be this clear-headed and insightful in the middle of a situation instead of afterwards. What good is hindsight?

I am embarrassed about my behavior last night. I'm sorry Master.

Self observation

I noticed something Saturday night, something about myself. I was comfortable in my submission and honorifics for those who inspire such from me just rolled off my tongue as if they were words I'd been saying all my life.

Increasingly, in private at home, I have been calling Master, Sir. It is becoming second nature to me and I like that. But up until Saturday night I hadn't been able to use honorifics with others without conscious thought.

I think it's a very telling sign of my current headspace. I am very much feeling my submission and more importantly, I am feeling comfortable with all aspects of it.

Along with my further surrender to Master comes a realization. I have been unhappy with my arrangement with Mark. I wear his collar, in addition to Master's, his was the first collar I ever received. But, with that collar came expectations, I expected him to put some time and energy into us. It's something he hasn't been able to do because his life is overly full. In order to have time with him I would have to live with him and that's obviously not an option. I've been unhappy with the way things are for a couple of years now but kept his collar because it was a comfort, I enjoyed belonging to him, I love him, and I didn't want to hurt his feelings.

Yesterday I finally realized that I needed to do something, I needed to make a change. I wrote Mark and told him that I believe the collar gives me the right to have certain expectations and that my expectations are higher than he's able to live up to. I told him I think he should release me. I don't want to dissolve our relationship; I just want to remove the expectations that I have. I've tried to expect less on my own but I feel entitled to at least a little of his time.

I feel a little melancholy about it today. I don't know if he's read the e-mail yet, he was very ill yesterday. I'm afraid that he'll disappear from my life entirely. I don't want to lose him as a friend and as a lover. I know it will hurt him and I really don't want to do that. But at the same time, I have to look out for my happiness too. I feel as if I am caught between a rock and a hard place. My unhappiness is the rock and Mark's emotional well-being is the hard place.

My Lady commented yesterday, when I told her what I'd done, that I've changed and grown so very much since she met me. Perhaps I have. Perhaps the true me has finally come out.

The power of blood

I was going to wait to write this until I'd processed things a little more fully but apparently the words can't wait for me to be ready to write them. They're chomping at the bit and keeping my attention from other things like, eating lunch!

For last night's play party Master, my Lady and I, had a cutting and needle play scene planned. I was nervous, once I was up on the table waiting as Master prepared his tools, I caught myself thinking "What have I gotten myself into? Is it too late to run away?" This would be the first cutting Master had ever done on another person and pretty much the first time my Lady had ever used needles on another person.

I know I know, some of the SSCers out there might think we were nuts, under trained, or whatever. For the record, Master has handled blades for years and cuts with the precision of a surgeon and my Lady has practiced and researched and learned from those who've done needle play for years. I've also done a fair amount of research and learning myself.

I was extremely, even overly, chatty before Master began. I think it was nervous energy. Master told me to shut up at one point in a tone that left no room for discussion. I had been sitting there directing Master. Not the wisest thing for a slave to do. When I'm nervous or scared I tend to slip into a Top space. Master's admonition for me to shut up helped me refocus.

I sat there and concentrated on my breathing. I tried to take slow deep breaths but had to be reminded to slow it down more. Just before Master began I asked if he would tell me right before he made the first cut. Just before the blade touched my flesh he said something like "There it goes..." I took a deep breath and let it out through my pursed lips as the blade began to flow through my skin. There is something to be said for a sharp blade. It doesn't drag, stutter, or scratch, it flows.

I can only describe the sensation as cold sharpness. Being scratched by a not-so-sharp knife is a hot sensation... scalpels feel cold to me.

After the first cut or two Master checked with me to be sure I was doing okay. I happily responded with "Yep!"

Master stopped part way through the cutting to do a little clean up. I bled rather well. He cut only 1/16 deep but it was enough. I enjoyed the feeling of my blood flowing down my back. It was Master's to draw as he wished.

We had an audience before we began but once the blood started to flow most of them left the room. I'll be honest, there's a little part of me that enjoys shocking people or freaking them out so seeing people leave was a little bit gratifying.

For those who remained the cutting became a learning experience. Questions were asked and Master and my Lady answered them as fully as they were able with me interjecting little bits here and there.

It was over in a relatively short period of time. It was a simple design, the rune Othila. Associated with property, we both felt this rune was the perfect symbol to cut into my flesh.

Once Master had my back cleaned up and the fresh cutting covered with a bandage it was my Lady's turn. My nerves returned full force as I watched her lay out fresh paper towels and the needles she would be using.

She would be placing needles in my breasts since Master had cut my back.

As my Lady turned to me with a needle in her hand I began to beg to be allowed to code if I felt I couldn't handle it. Master told me I had to ask my Lady as I was in her hands. I turned to her and begged to be allowed to code {safe word} if I couldn't handle it. She allowed me that one small mercy. It helped ease my nerves just a teeny bit.

My Lady suggested we try one needle and see how I handle it. After the first needle and seeing the gleam in her eyes I couldn't say no to more. So, she proceeded to insert two more needles into my right breast. The needles burned a bit but weren't too uncomfortable. The third one though was a bit sore. It was a little deeper and further down the breast than the others. I asked if we could use my left breast since the third in my right breast was sore.

My Lady was quite happy to move to the other breast and proceeded to prep the area.

She got three needles in and as with the right breast, the third needle hurt a little more than the others. During the entire scene my Lady and Master both fielded questions about needles and needle play.

After the third needle was placed she stopped putting in needles and tapped the needles through my flesh. It felt very strange. As my Lady answered some questions I bounced a bit and really enjoyed the sensations my movements produced. I was having way too much fun.

Soon it was time to take the needles out and as they came out I began to bleed. I was fascinated with the sight of my blood welling to the surface. My Lady took great care to clean the areas and then put some antibiotic ointment and bandages over them.

It was a pleasure for me to see the gleam in my Lady's eyes; she really enjoyed playing with needles. I look forward to sharing the experience with her again.

Today I sit here with the marks on my body feeling content, centered, and more tightly bound to Master and my Lady. Each time I look at the marks they've left on me I re-live last night's experiences and I smile.

A job well done

My back seems to be healing slowly but surely. I'm able to move around a bit easier and the pain isn't as constant as it was just a couple of days ago. Let's hear it for Physical Torture! I'm able to do some of the service I was doing before my back went wonky which is a relief to me.

I never thought I'd take to service like I have. I take a great deal of pride in making sure Master looks his best when we're out and about. That means making sure he's got a nice clean shave, keeping up with his laundry so that the clothes he might want to wear are clean, and taking care of his leathers.

Tonight as I polished his boots I felt very at peace. I was in my proper place providing a much needed service for my Master. As I was finishing up on the first boot and saw the leather begin to gleam I imagined how good Master will look in his boots tomorrow night. I also imagined how good he'll feel wearing such nicely cared for boots. It gave me a warm fuzzy feeling.

Anticipation

The scalpels arrived yesterday and I had the overwhelming urge to open the package to play with them. I was a little kid with a new toy and it was SO hard to be good and not open the package. I had to content myself with touching them through the outer wrapping. Even now they're on my mind, I see them in my mind's eye sitting on my bedside table.

I am nervous about the cutting, aside from scratches with our knife; I've never really had a cutting. I'm also nervous about the needles; I've never tried needle play before. Ever. I've watched with envy as a new acquaintance had feathers sewn to his skin and watched a friend have needles inserted in a pattern on his back and then have that pattern wrapped with thread. I've even practiced a little needle play on an orange, but that's it.

I ended up having a bit of a chat with Mark yesterday about my limit pushing. He tends to feel inadequate because I no longer have limits that he can push. The S&M activities I enjoy are far beyond anything he enjoys. I felt a little guilty yesterday for it. I am truly sorry that he isn't able to "keep up". At the same time I don't really want him to keep up. I don't need him to do the same things with me that Master does. He gives me gentleness, playfulness, and he helped me find the key to my femininity. I value him for his gentleness and sensuality.

I wanted Mark to be there Saturday night for the cutting and needle play; I wanted to share the experience with him. I wanted to feel his gentleness and to see that comforting look in his eyes that makes me feel like I'm being wrapped in the softest embrace. I wanted to hold his hand and share the energy we will create.

Done feeling sorry for myself

I saw the doc again yesterday. Good news, no herniated discs! Although they did find a little arthritis but the doc says it's nothing and that I shouldn't worry about it. To say he treated me like a child and was dismissive of my concerns would be an understatement. I can't believe he has the arrogance to believe that he can treat patients like that and get away with it. Well, I suppose he can get away with it but this is one patient that won't be putting up with it. I'm going back to my regular doc and will address my arthritis concerns with her.

The burden of being me

I suppose a little catch up is in order: Last week, day three of being on the new job my lower back began to ache. This went on until by Monday I was in agony. Saw the doc Monday afternoon, got an anti-inflammatory medication... Tuesday was more agony bringing me near tears. Wednesday took a day off and called the doc to inform him the pain was worse. Made an appointment for Thursday, after telling the doc about the pain down the legs and tingling down one leg and various other numb spots the doc scheduled an MRI for Friday evening and gave me a steroid and pain pill on top of the anti-inflammatory. Friday morning, attempt to go back to work. At 8 a.m. I am dutifully in my seat working diligently. By 8:30 a.m. I'm shifting in my seat and gritting my teeth. By 9:00 a.m. I am in agony and admit defeat.

My assignment has been ended until my back is under control. The good news is that they like me and want to bring me back when my back is under control and when they have an opening. This was a small comfort to me and was a bit of a balm to my guilty conscience. I feel guilty, I was supposed to be working to help alleviate some of Master's stress, and instead I am now adding to it and costing him more money on top of it all. I realize my back going wonky isn't my fault but part of me thinks I should have pushed myself and just sucked up the pain so I could continue to work.

Last night, Friday night, was the MRI... I was nervous. I'm a big girl and I knew I would be wedged into the tube. They wouldn't allow Master to go back with me so I had to go it alone. It was kind of scary, I'm a bit claustrophobic.
When they began to slide me into the tube I panicked a little so they brought me back out. I took several deep breaths and they offered a wash cloth to cover my eyes. Had they attempted to put it over my eyes I would have bolted then and there. I got myself under control and gave the signal for them to proceed. Going into the tube was an ordeal, the table moved slowly and I had to close my eyes as the reality of the top of the tube being only one to two inches from my nose was too much for my mind to handle.

My shoulders were scrunched up so I would fit inside the tube, I almost forgot the pain in my back as my shoulder and neck muscles began to groan from the tension that sang through my entire body. I focused on keeping my breath from being fast and shallow and began to picture the last time Master had me cuffed to the cross as he dragged our knife across my flesh. That image and the sure knowledge that Master would cuddle me afterwards helped get me through the procedure.

It didn't take long though it felt like an eternity. It was the combination of the confined space and being utterly dependent on total strangers for my extraction from said space that frightened me. Had Master been allowed to be there with me and keep a hand on my leg or my shoulder I would have been fine. Master is my lifeline; I look to him for safety and assurance.

Now that the ordeal is over we have to wait for the results. I see the doc again on Monday morning to find out what is or isn't wrong with my back and decide a plan of action. I feel helpless right now, despite wanting to exercise mind over matter my body is dictating to me what I can and cannot do.

At this very moment I am missing my oldest niece's birthday party because I couldn't bear the car ride to the park and then sitting on a park bench. Until last night when I had about an hour to two hours pain free, I hadn't been able to serve Master sexually.

Next weekend we're supposed to attend a play party, I doubt I will be up to our usual favorites...we're both concerned that anything that impacts my back or butt will further injure my back. Happily, Master is open to alternatives that are equally as intense. Still I'm a little sad that we can't enjoy our usual favorites together. Instead Master will most likely work someone else over as I watch. At least he won't lack for playing. As my Lady reminded me, my back being wonky isn't my fault nor is it his fault and it shouldn't keep him from having fun. Still, I wish it were me he could beat. I feel like I'm going to miss out on some fun, but what's more, I feel like my back is keeping me from serving him in all ways.

Being human is a really tough pill to swallow. It doesn't jive well with the whole super slave mentality that I get going sometimes. *insert wry grin here*

I am trying to keep my focus on Master and on doing the things for him that I *can* do instead of focusing on my own misery and on the things I can't do. It isn't easy, especially when the pain gets bad. Pain wears a body down mentally as well as physically.

Lust

I sneak peeks at her on the sly. I wonder if she sees me watching her. I wonder how I appear to her.

I find myself imagining what it would be like to corner her in the women's bathroom and kiss her deeply. I feel the heated rush between my legs as I imagine exploring her mouth with my tongue.

I picture her nude, I wonder what her flesh would feel like under my hands. I wonder what noises she would make as I teased and tormented her into a frenzied arousal. Would she make soft mewling noises or husky, full-throated groans? I wonder.
She's the object of my lust, unknowing. I'd rather admire, and lust after, her from afar. I don't want to know if she would be attracted to me, I don't want to know her orientation. I just want to fantasize about her. Is that bad?

Workin' for a living

I'm finally working. I feel good knowing that I am finally able to do something tangible to help reduce Master's stress. He seems much more relaxed now.

But, there is a downside to having a full-time job. I no longer have any personal time and I took it a little hard yesterday. I had become accustomed to having hours of time for myself to read, do whatever research might catch my fancy, or just watch programs that I enjoy. I started stressing last night over holding a full-time job and taking classes at the same time, in addition to researching the topic for each month's submissive's forum. I might have to beg help from my fellow submissives to get the research done. We'll see how things go in September, if I begin to struggle or stress overly much I'll have to ask for help or change how the forum is structured.

Comfy clothes-I can't even begin to describe the pure joy I take in getting to put on my comfy lounge clothes when I get home from work. It's a simple pleasure and one that I look forward to each day.

UPDATE: I got my grades for this term; I did well, nothing below an A-!! :-)

Okay, enough babbling, must help cook dinner.

Struggles and switches

For the past several days life has been hectic for Master and myself. It all began Thursday with a night of no sleep for either of us and spiraled out from there.

Saturday was my birthday and the photo/play party. I woke up feeling my slave space very much and looking forward to some photos of me worshiping Master's boots. Of course, I was also looking forward to the very hard play that we'd planned earlier last week. As it happened, Master was feeling very sub and not at all in a space where he could be in control. At first I was sad and disappointed, I shed a few tears and then I sucked it up and threw myself into Top space where he needed me to be.

I thought I was doing us both a favor by insisting that we go to the play party despite his headspace. As it turned out, that was a mistake. Master was extremely uncomfortable and as the evening progressed I became more and more unhappy with myself and with the situation. I was completely out of sorts; I craved my slave space and was envious of those who didn't have to be Top for the night.

Master, still taking care of me as he always does, asked our good friend Master J to play with me. Master J and I had a very heavy resistance scene. The resistance was unplanned but was good nonetheless. The beast inside was unleashed and it fought with amazing fury...I railed against Master J and vented my frustration and disappointment with guttural growls and hisses...it ended suddenly when I had a bit of an asthma attack and ended up shedding a few tears. It was cathartic for me, I felt cleansed and at peace with the day's events.

The following days have been spent with me still in a bit of a Top space as Master needs. He's having some issues right now that are keeping him from being his usual Dominant self. Master, like me, suffers from panic-anxiety disorder and occasionally it takes him down for the count. Thankfully he sought treatment today to help him through this bout. Tonight he seems a bit more like his usual self and I can't say how grateful I am to see the sparkle come back to his eyes. My heart nearly broke seeing him so in need.

Unlike any other time this has happened, I don't feel as though I am dominating Master. Instead, I feel as if this is just another aspect of my service to him.

Tonight I feel a deepening of my submission to him, I feel more bonded to him than ever before.

Thinking

We're caught up in day to day life right now; me with school and the job hunt, and him with work.

My birthday is coming up soon and while I wish I could, I don't feel particularly celebratory. The day will be spent at our local group's munch and then at a play party hosted by our friends, at which we'll have some pictures taken before the party begins. I want to be excited about having some sexy BDSM pictures taken of me but I keep thinking about how large I am and how large I'm going to look in the pictures.

There were a couple instances this week where I got a good look at certain parts of my body. It was shocking to me, to see how large these parts have gotten. When I look down at myself I don't see the hugeness that I see when I look in the mirror. It's a bit depressing really, to look in the mirror and see the reality of my size. I realize my size is my doing. No one is forcing me to eat.

I have all this knowledge about how to eat right and even how much to eat. I know what exercises I should do and how much to do and how often to do it. However, I don't know how to make myself do these things or how to overcome my psyche's resistance to change. I've asked Master for help but with work keeping him so busy it is very hard for him to keep on top of me about these things. In addition, it is difficult for him to overcome his psyche's resistance to change.

No one said weight loss was easy, though I think it should be, weight gain is easy isn't it?

I see friends having the gastric bypass surgery and on the surface, it appears to be the "magic pill" that works. Everyone that has it loses so much weight. And it happens fast and they don't have to work very hard for it.

Then I give myself a reality check, it's a major surgery, you have to become very disciplined and eat a specific way or else risk malnutrition and a whole host of other issues. There is also the issue of all that excess skin that just hangs there and looks horrible and can begin breaking down. I think about that and realize that I would have a whole lot more self-loathing over that loose skin than I do now over my weight. Still, the desire to lose weight and be thinner is almost overwhelming, almost enough to make me want to close my eyes to the reality.

I'm bombarded day in and day out by commercials and ads about weight loss. It is really hard not to succumb to the pressure and buy into the idea that thin is beautiful. I get angry sometimes, angry and frustrated by it all. *sigh*

What can I do? I try very hard to hold onto the thought that Master thinks I am beautiful no matter what size I am. His reality is that I am beautiful, and most of the time it is my reality too.

Fantasies

We all do it right? We fantasize about things that turn us on, fantasize about things we want, or the body we want to have.

Last night while Master was giving me an O I fantasized, mostly because I couldn't shut my brain off. I was making lists of things that I needed to do, class work, grocery shopping, etc. I began fantasizing and in my fantasy I was being manhandled by some strong anonymous male. He ripped my clothes off and then f*cked my mouth forcefully. I imagined him strangling me with his cock and right at that moment I had a very powerful O.


In the '80s when the Hellrasier movies came out I imagined myself being at Pinhead's mercy with those horrible hooked chains holding me in place for him. I don't know if I knew then that not everyone wanted to be in the same position, I didn't tell anyone about my secret desires. Of course, I didn't tell anyone much of anything, I was a rather closed off person by then.

I didn't tell Master what I'd been fantasizing about, perhaps I should. He already knows that about me though. I desire to be used mercilessly, I crave rough sex, the rougher the better. I've never wasted time thinking that I was sick or twisted for having these desires. It's just another aspect of me; it's how I'm wired. Not so long ago I might have wondered why I was wired this way but that really doesn't matter any more.

I'm not nearly so closed off now and I actually told my Lady about my Hellraiser fantasy. I told Master too though I daresay he wasn't surprised. *wry grins*

These types of revelations rarely surprise him.

Success

You know, all my worrying and stressing was for naught. The submissive's forum went off without a hitch last night with its first ever meeting. I led comfortably and easily despite my nerves and worries to the contrary.

I am very happy that I decided to take up this challenge. I am meeting and serving a need within our local community, as was evidenced last night by all the submissives who attended. There was much lively discussion, much more than when Dominants are present. They do tend to dominate the conversations. *chuckles*

It was really neat to hear the thoughts of my fellow submissives and to see that we really do have a commonality. Though we are individuals many of our issues are similar. I could see the first glimmerings of a support network forming last night. I think our little forum will become a valuable resource to the group as a whole.

On a personal note, one of the ladies in attendance told me that something I'd written and posted to our group's discussion list had helped her come to terms with an aspect of herself. I was floored by this statement. I feel a little bit of pride in knowing that I was able to help someone else by sharing something of myself. But mostly, I'm just surprised by it, happily surprised.

All in all this has been a very positive experience.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

Respect is the word of the week.

I've had a hard time with speaking respectfully this week. Things fly out of my mouth before I even take the time to think about them.

Master called me yesterday morning after I'd dropped him off at work, I was on my way home for a short nap before class. He'd forgotten his work keys and he needed them, I had to get them from home and bring them to him at work. It meant I wouldn't get the nap I wanted; instead of accepting that I became upset. I said "Oh come on! You've got to be kidding!" and I ended the conversation with "Fine I'll be there, good-bye." and I hung up the phone before Master could say anything else.

I knew as soon as the words were out of my mouth that I was way out of line. But I was in a snit because I wouldn't get the nap I felt I needed so I didn't apologize to Master and I barely amended my behavior when I dropped his keys off to him. Later yesterday afternoon I was snippy with Master on the phone again. This time he admonished me rather gently I must say. Despite the gentleness, it was enough to get my brain back into the driver's seat.

I've been so caught up in my own misery, stress, and concerns and I haven't been stepping out of myself to consider how my behavior affects Master. I can only imagine how I must appear to him, very unslavelike and ungrateful for the hard work he's putting in to keep our family afloat while I finish this term.

So, it's back to the drawing board for me. I am trying to internalize the things I've learned in Human Relations class these last two weeks. Control your emotions, don't let them control you. If I can manage to internalize this one thing, I will have gotten more than my money's worth from this class.
I would say the fact that I let my emotions rule me is one of the main things that hinders me as a slave. Having emotions isn't a bad thing, letting them control you is.

Self-esteem

I've been learning some fascinating things in Human Relations class recently. A lot of them center on self-esteem and personal responsibility.

We were given an article to read in class, it was an interview with a Dr. Reynolds. Dr. Reynolds’s philosophy about self-esteem is "just do it", act despite your fear or anxiety, the good feelings and higher self-esteem will come with success. He also states that we have no control over our feelings, but we can control whether or not we allow those feelings to control us. That gave me pause for thought.

I've seen proof of this in my own life. Each time I take a risk despite my fears and anxieties, and that risk is met with success, I feel just that much better about myself and just that much more confident.
If I'd continued to let my fear and anxiety rule me I would still be lacking confidence, and feeling extremely bad about who I am.
I spent several years trying to fix myself, yet still behaving in the same old way; it wasn't until I started behaving in a new way that I actually started feeling better.

The other thing we covered today was "Who controls our emotions?" How many times have I said "You make me so angry!" or "You hurt my feelings." The fact is, no one can make us feel anything. Our emotions are a result of what is going on inside our heads. It's a hard concept for me to get my head around yet at the same time, I try to enact it in my life. I try to choose how I'm going to react and try to moderate my emotional reaction so that it's a reasonable one rather than an out of control one that I'm going to feel embarrassed about later.

There's a lot here to digest and I'm still sorting it out as I write. I'm glad I took this course with this instructor. She's good and the course material can be applied to real life. There aren't too many courses I can say that about.

Epic love

Love that transcends time and distance, love that grows stronger with the passage of time instead of withering and dying. It's the kind of love that the authors write about and little girls dream of.

I think this is the type of love many people dream of having. I'd like to say I dreamed of having an epic love but I didn't. How can one even dream of an epic love when one believes oneself to be unlovable?

I've since grown up and have learned that I really am lovable and somehow I ended up with a powerful, if not epic, love despite my early efforts to chase it away. When we're being flippant Alan and I attribute our sticking it out to each of us being stubborn and unwilling to admit defeat. In honesty it is due in part to that, but also, we're both the mate-for-life type. We choose a mate and come hell or high water, we're going to stay with that mate.

Through all of the fighting and growing pains we've managed to build a solid foundation despite a shaky start. What started out as affection and infatuation has grown into a deep bond, we are like one soul inhabiting two bodies. When he is gone I feel as if part of myself is missing. He has said much the same about my absences.

This closeness we share has made being apart this week a painful and lonely experience to be endured rather than the rare opportunity for alone time that it could be. Although, I have to confess, I did enjoy being able to watch the television programs that I don't normally get to watch because he prefers other types of programs.

Master came home last night and it was wonderful to see him again. I spent most of the evening just looking at him and re-memorizing his features. I would have spent time nuzzling him and taking in his scent if I could smell. Blast this stupid head cold anyhow.

This week apart has given me pause for thought and has reminded me to appreciate each day that I get to share with him. Each day is a gift.

Day one of the long week

Master is on his way to Detroit today and will be there until Friday night. I was fine until I came down the stairs this morning and the realization that I'm alone hit me. I sniffled and cried a bit then I wandered into the kitchen to take care of his new lizard. I got caught up in taking care of his pet for him while he's away. Master's lizard isn't much older than a hatchling; she hitched a ride on a plant that came from Wal-Mart to his sister's house. We're trying to find something she can eat and now it's my job to be sure she does eat something so she will thrive and grow. I'm going to enjoy being surrogate Mamma to his lizard.

I was still a little tender during class but began to feel even better on the way out after class as I chatted up a classmate that I've not said more than 10 words to. It felt good to reach out and connect with another human being. Sometimes I forget to do that. Usually I stay within my comfort zones and only connect with the people I already know.

Being the good Daddy that Master is, he left me something to focus on while he's away. I've been ordered to the torture chamber…er… I mean the gym. I have to spend at least 20 minutes a day working out... today was 16 on the treadmill and 4 on the elliptical trainer aka the machine from Hades. I did a lot of self-talk to even motivate myself enough to go to the fitness room. It would have been SO easy to sit down and watch TV when I got home from class. I kept telling myself, "When you get home you're going to go upstairs, change your clothes and head to the fitness room." The self-talk worked, I did just what I was supposed to and got an excellent workout. While I feel a bit tired and my muscles are still a little spaghetti-like, I feel good; this, despite some sinus congestion. Go me!

When I got home I had a cosmic message that I should do my homework. The cable and internet were out. I took advantage of the time and did the work. I feel accomplished.

All in all, not a bad first day alone and it's only half over! Still, I can't wait for Master to get back, I miss him.

Triggers

Trigger, it seems like an innocuous word until you think about what a trigger does. On a gun it releases a bullet that wreaks destruction on soft human flesh. So too do mental triggers wreak destruction and havoc in the soft human mind.

I've had to give honest thought to my triggers today. An acquaintance of Master's and mine resembles a person we both trusted very deeply and who we thought we knew intimately. As it turned out, we didn't know that person at all, he molested our daughter. We learned a hard lesson with that person.

That situation became inextricably linked with my childhood abuse issues and another layer of triggers was laid on top of my old ones. The feelings from both are entwined almost as one.

Now that I've recognized that this acquaintance’s resemblance to our daughter's abuser is what has been triggering me I don't know what to do. I've disarmed some triggers successfully and no sooner had them disarmed to have new ones pop up. Sometimes, walking through my mind is like walking through an old mine field without mine detection devices and protective gear.

I realize that in reading this one might be left with the impression that I'm a basket case. I'm really not the emotional wreck I once was... for the most part I am flashback free, unless I think about the resemblance of the acquaintance to the abuser. Then it's as if I stumble from one mine into another, shrapnel piercing my body and ripping me to shreds. I physically shake myself and shut down that part of my mind... I don't think on it because I don't want to feel those feelings again, I don't want to feel his hands on my body, I don't want to see his stupid reassuring smile telling me that if I don't like it all I have to do is say 'no'. I had a therapist tell me once that he thought of flashbacks as the mind's way of making us deal with things. Sometimes I can see that point, other times I think it's just torture.

I sometimes wonder why I entered this lifestyle, why I have this need to submit, given my past. I think, as a submissive person, I'm more vulnerable and open to being hurt. I've lived my life in fear of being hurt like that again and have spent considerable energy to prevent it.

In the beginning, being able to stop things with one word was empowering... then it became a burden... I didn't want that control. I guess it was a sign of my growth and healing that I wanted, no needed, to give up that control.

In giving up that control, I've given up the decision about this quandary to Master. I have to remember that, sometimes I forget and I try to solve issues on my own. Like this one... I started this journal entry with the idea that I'd suss out a solution. In the end I realize, the solution isn't mine to find, not really. I've already told Master everything I've written here, he's aware and will be there to guide me through the mine field.

Roller coaster

This week has certainly had its share of ups and downs. I'm not sure if I'm up or down right now.

Sunday saw the purchase of a new toy meant to stimulate my g-spot. It's curved with a ball on either end and it's made out of glass. I'll just say that it's very effective. *enigmatic grins*

Monday, Mark shows his insensitive butthead side, the car begins acting up, and my back goes out again.

Tuesday brought with it the realization that Master can't support our family single handedly much as he'd like to. He's been trying to keep us afloat so that I can get through school without having to try to manage work, family, and school. I love him for wanting to do it and for trying but I see now that he needs my help.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't upset by this. I'm hoping he can hold things together long enough for me to finish this term. My class schedule is such that a lot of employers around here won't work with it.

As long as I can finish this term I can just reduce my class load in the fall and still work towards my degree. It'll take longer to finish but at least I'll still get to work on it. I don't think I could handle having to quit completely. I want to build the skills necessary to work in an office environment as more than just a number. Data entry clerks are a dime a dozen, a good administrative assistant is difficult to replace. That's what I want to be, a valuable and difficult to replace employee. That's not so much to ask for is it? I think it is an attainable goal. As long as I can cope with juggling school, home, and work.

That, my friends, is a big IF. It wasn't long ago that just juggling home and work was enough to send me into a tailspin of panic attacks and depression. I still get overwhelmed at times and I get scared that the feelings of being overwhelmed are a harbinger of a new round of panic attacks and depression. I know, I know, there are medications out there to help with these things. I think medication is a great tool but it always left me feeling disconnected from my body, there's nothing quite as disconcerting as feeling as though you are floating somewhere above your body instead of living inside it. The doctor assured me this was my imagination. *rolling eyes* I won't even get into the sexual side effects that I experienced.

Needless to say, as long as I am able, I want to live medication free; so, I journal when things are bothering me, I talk with friends, and I breathe, a lot.
Beginning to feel overwhelmed? Deep breath in and let it out very slowly through pursed lips, rinse and repeat as needed. That's an asthmatic breathing exercise meant to help one regain control of one's breathing but it works well for impending panic attacks too.

I'm just hanging on for the ride right now... roller coasters are thrilling but I prefer the tilt-a-whirl. I'll take spinning and giggling over stomach dropping and screaming any day.

Hurt

I talked with Master and with my Lady about this yesterday but I still have a few things to work out.

I had an online conversation with Mark yesterday, the Dom male Master shares me with. Mark used to be my primary dominant partner, before Master chose to enter the lifestyle. When Master stepped in, Mark stepped back to a very secondary role. He became more like a close friend and play partner.

Our conversation turned to weight loss and his complaint that his girlfriend has become obsessed with her upcoming gastric bypass surgery. After talking with him I think I understand now why she is obsessed.

I made the mistake of sharing my honest opinion that I think too many people see weight loss surgery as a magic pill. After that he equated being overweight with being defective. I even asked for clarification on that because I was stunned by this statement. In all the years I've known him he has never said anything like this to me. He spent a great amount of time helping to build up my self-esteem and showing me that I am sexy as I am. And then I find out that he really believes I'm defective because I'm overweight??? It stung. More than that it shook my trust in him and hurt my feelings.

I was entertaining evil thoughts about him yesterday... today I'm not so angry but still hurt. I find it hard to believe that he really thinks that. In a sense, I feel betrayed and lied to. I don't think I'll be trusting his words for some time to come, if ever again.

I very nearly fell into my old pattern of self-loathing because of outside negativity about my weight. It was a close thing... I wanted to do self-destructive things. A few years ago I cut the words "Fat B*tch* into my belly... that's what self-loathing does to me.

I am proud of myself for pulling back from the brink of self-loathing and for ending the conversation and getting away from that negative attitude. It would have been so easy to get caught up in that downward spiral. I did well.

Trepidation

I am embarking on something entirely new for me; something that will force me out and into a leadership position. I am starting a submissive's forum within our local leather community. I have the full blessing of my fellow board members which helps buoy my confidence. Yet, I'm scared silly. I'm going to have to lead these people, some of them my friends, and I'm going to have to stand my ground against those with more dominant personalities than mine.

That is no easy task.

I instinctively try to blend into my surroundings and naturally defer to more dominant personalities. Both my Master and our friend Master J think this will be a good thing for me. I think they're nuts.

I'm excited about this opportunity to provide a forum for submissives to talk and explore things in a non-threatening atmosphere. I want to help educate others in this lifestyle I love so much.

Still, it's scary to be the front man in this venture. I'm great with ideas, planning, and organizing... leading is not my area of expertise yet my Lady assures me I am a leader. Pardon me for not believing that yet. *smiles*

I have a little over a month to prepare for our first meeting. Too soon!

Everyone assures me that I'll do great, to that I say, I'm not sure about that but I'll do my best.

If I had to write a mission statement it would go something like this:

Our goal is to educate and provide support to submissives in the leather community.

That sounds about right to me. I hope this group becomes a helpful resource to the submissives in our community.

Touch avoidance

Today's Human Relations exercise was about nonverbal communication. We centered on touch as a nonverbal communication and took a little test. I wasn't happy with the way a couple of the questions were worded. One of them stated "I am comfortable putting my arm around same sex friends." The answer options were Strongly Agree, Agree, Undecided, Disagree, Strongly Disagree. I'm not comfortable putting my arm around anyone, that's just not what I do. So this raised my "same sex touch avoidance" score.

I'm uncomfortable with any touch from any person unless they're a close friend. Even then, I'm still learning to accept "good touches". I have major personal space issues that have nothing to do with societal conditioning and everything to do with a lot of "bad touches" growing up.

I think what annoys me about the exercise we did today was being put in someone else's box and having my behaviors defined by someone else's terms. One thing I did learn from this assignment is that there is no one catch-all label for everyone. Keep an open mind.

Blech!

I feel like I'm huge. I went and tried on a pair of Capri pants that would be adorable on a thinner person, on me they just looked clown silly. It was disappointing. So what do I do? I ask to buy a bottle of Coke C2. It wasn't the best choice but it was better than regular Coke.

Instead of dwelling on my size I'm going to write my list of positives for the week. Master was kind enough to let me drop down to doing them once a week instead of every day. I was having trouble keeping up with homework and still writing my positives.

1.) I am sexy
People desire me; I am told that the way I look at a person can just drive them wild.
2.) I am beautiful
I have pretty eyes that are extremely expressive and my hair is luxuriously thick and naturally curly.
3.) I am a good friend
I genuinely care about my friends and do what I can to be there for them.
4.) I am a good student
I study hard, absorb the material, and am eager to learn.
5.) I am a good slave
I am devoted to my Master and work hard to please him.

And when I'm not focused on the negative, I know these things to be true.

Suffering for Him

I don't quite understand it, this need I have. I need to suffer for him. Suffering for his pleasure is sometimes more satisfying than the best orgasm.

I get aroused just thinking about the most recent session of suffering for him. We were lying in bed in the middle of the day; he'd requested a hand job…while I stroked him he began stroking my back and then slid a hand down the back of my shorts and began stroking my behind. The more firm his strokes got, the more aroused I became.

He started talking then, telling me how he ought to take my ass by force and how he wouldn't stop even if it hurt. Normally this kind of talk would worry me a little as anal sex isn't often pleasurable for me. That day, it turned me on to know that he would use me and hurt me for his pleasure. Then he told me "Ask me to buttfuck you." The crude words only added to the excitement. I shivered as I looked up at him, took a breath and pleaded "Please fuck my ass." He immediately got up and grabbed a condom while ordering me to strip and bend over the bed.

I knelt there shivering and aching with need. I was so very aroused but an orgasm wouldn't satisfy this need. When he stepped up behind me he told me "This ass is my property." He used copious amounts of lubrication but still it hurt as he entered me... I pleaded for him to go slow and to let me back onto him. He was relentless and soon had his cock buried inside me. It hurt, the pain filled me and the bed absorbed my cries as he used and abused my ass.

It seemed to last forever, the pain filled and surrounded me...I was animal wild and had no control over the cries torn from my throat. All I could do was endure. I endured his onslaught and thrilled at the growls coming from him.

Afterwards I was weak and shaky, similar to how I feel after a very intense S&M session... it was a delicious feeling. All of me belongs to him, even my pain. It's his to give, his to take, his to feed on.

Fitness Fantasy

As I was driving to class this morning I listened to the radio. I happened to stop on 102.5 for a second and heard marine corps-like drilling and heard someone grunting and moaning a bit. My curiosity was piqued so I had to listen on.

The producer of 102.5 does a sort of dare every Wednesday... today he was doing a Marine Corps boot camp workout at 7Flags. He wore a mic and ear piece so he could still communicate with the dj's while doing the workout. I got to hear him moan, grunt, groan and struggle to do the workout as the instructor barked commands in the background and even insisted on a hearty "Yes Sir!" response. The dj's teased and taunted the producer the entire time.

Call me twisted but the entire scenario turned me on, I really got off on hearing his struggles and listening to them tease and taunt him.

I found myself fantasizing about doing a scene like that... both as the one in charge and as the one having to try to do the workout. *shivers*

Am I twisted or what? I guess this gives new meaning to the term Fitness Fantasy. *grins*

Busy, busy

Our weekend was wonderful. We spent most of Saturday with two very wonderful lifestyle friends and got some play time in as well as some bonding time. It felt so good to just be in slave space and to not have to try to serve from "Mommy Space".

Our playtime was short but delicious... While Master used the knife on me it felt like he was working to resist the urge to puncture my neck, it thrills me, to feel his beast straining against the cage he keeps it in... I don't know what to call that inside me which answers the howl of his beast but whatever it is wanted so badly to feel the blade enter my skin.
As he caned me I wanted to squirm away but at the same time I felt my body offering itself up to him for more... the pain became something more...it swelled and enveloped me…it pulsed from within me…it was bliss, it was his.

Later that evening we went to the bar with our friends and just relaxed and let loose. I had an admirer the entire night... every time I looked around his penetrating gaze was fixed on me. Eventually, while I was in the bathroom, he walked up to Master and told him how beautiful he thought I was. I think Master enjoyed the compliments paid to his property, I know I did.

Once we got home we were ravenous for each other's bodies. Master f***ed me and then stopped, holding himself motionless inside me he began to pinch and pull at my clit and labia... it felt like he'd pull them off. Watching me suffer under him was enough to set off a very powerful orgasm for him. It was amazing to see that my suffering could give him such pleasure. I felt immense pleasure at being able to serve him in this way.

He followed up by giving me an orgasm which was a special treat.
Sunday started with lusty sexy fun, the rest of the day was pretty slow paced and relaxed.

Monday morning Master gave me a small reminder of his ownership and care of me...it was nearly time to go but I hadn't finished my breakfast yet. I started to put it down so that I could go and not keep him waiting. Master responded with "No, finish your breakfast and make sure to drink all of your orange juice." It was a small thing yet it reinforced my enslavement and was a nice way to begin the day.

This week is going to be hectic; I have an enormous amount of homework that will remain constant throughout the summer term. I feel like I'm barely keeping my head above water. I got the admonition last night that for now my time is mine to manage but if I continue to struggle to get the work done Master will take over and manage it for me. So, with that I'm going to sign off and get to work.

Verra verra interesting

Okay, so I had Human Relations in Business today. It's a class that is designed to improve one's interpersonal skills. Anyway, we had to do the touchy feely getting to know you stuff today. I really dislike it... I can't help it I think it's goofy.

Still, I play along and get involved. As we were doing it I noticed something... there is a whole group of guys in our class that are from smaller farming type communities... they clustered together and really didn't get up to mingle with the rest of the class we had to go to them. I don't know why but this was fascinating to me. I'm shy and introverted in a room with folks I don't know but even I get up and move around.

I've got a bucket load of homework to do before Monday. Nothing terribly taxing really, just loads of it. *chuckles*

I'm excited about tomorrow... a WHOLE day spent with lifestyle friends. I spent more time thinking about what specific higher protocols I was craving and finally realized something. What I'm craving more than anything is some Master and me time... time where I can be nothing but his slave without having to shift back into mommy mode or student mode or daughter or sister mode. Master acknowledged that he's been craving the same thing and that lack of play time has left him frustrated as well. I think we'll both feel *much* better come Sunday.

I'm looking forward to sitting on a tender bottom as I study. *silly grins*

Impressions and perceptions

I found out this afternoon that a slave friend of mine had me way up on a pedastal as the perfect slave. I don't know where she got the idea because she's seen me interact with Master and with others. She hasn't seen the raving psychotic side of me but only a select few get that dubious honor. Still, I'm far from perfect. Sometimes I'm not even average. I struggle with obedience and with service. I'm a smart alec, I'm opinionated, I'm hot tempered, high strung, and high maintenance.

I am stunned by the knowledge that I could be giving the impression that I'm the perfect slave. I thought I was genuine with my words and my behavior.

I'm not sure how to correct this misconception or how to prevent it in the future. I hope by Master and I spending more face to face time with her and her Master she will come to know that I'm just as human as she is and just as prone to making mistakes, having bad days, or just feeling ornery.

I adore her and her Master, I'd hate to have any distance between us, I'd rather us be very good friends for a very long time.

Be careful of what you wish

Lately I have had some difficulty keeping the right headspace. I don't sit around and order Master to serve me or anything like that but I do sometimes feel annoyed or put upon when Master requires my services. I know it shows on my face and unwilling service is not what I want to give to my Master.

Unwilling service is unworthy of him. So, I've asked him for a higher protocol day with the thought that a tightening of the reins will help reinforce my position. Master has granted my request; Saturday will be that day as we'll be spending the day with lifestyle friends. Generally we are very relaxed here at home and at lifestyle events I am generally allowed to wander and interact at will.

I'm having second thoughts about this request. I'm concerned that instead of feeling my position more I will feel stifled and will chafe at the bit. It's true what they say, be careful of what you wish you just might get it.
I will believe I am up to the challenge and that I can learn from the experience. I will believe that it will help me feel my position as his slave.

Back to school

On the eve of my return to school I am wakeful and thoughts race through my head at breakneck speed.

One thing that never seems to change, child or adult, the night before the first day of school is one filled with some anxiety. "Will they like me?" "Will I do well?" Some of the thoughts are the same and some are new, such as "Should I shower before or after I take Master to work?"

I'm disappointed that I didn't get anywhere to pick up cool stickers for my notebook. Call me crazy but having a sparkly sticker or two on my notebook just makes me feel better.

I'm sure tomorrow will go well and I'll have a head full of new things. That's the best part of going to school. It's really funny to hear myself think that now. I was an average student at best through elementary and middle school, in high school I was a slacker; but in college? I excel. It just goes to show, it's never too late to be a good student.

Teenagehood

I barely survived my own teenage years, I'm not sure I can survive my children's teenage years. Some days it feels like them or me.

After a weekend of our daughter doing a complete 180 and our son fighting against our minimum expectations... I'm mentally and emotionally exhausted.

I'm sick to death of being blamed for everything that's wrong in their lives. I can only do so much and I've done the best I can with the tools I have. I've tried to improve my parenting skills but I'll never be that cookie baking soccer mom, it isn't who I am.

Still, I keep trying, I can't give up on them. That isn't who I am either, no matter how much I want to run away from home right now. Running away never solved anything.

Panic attacks

I had a panic attack in the middle of the night last night. I'd gotten up to go to the bathroom, hadn't really been to sleep yet, and it happened while I was sitting there. I couldn't manage to control it with thought and ended up vocalizing... "I can't do this, I can't do this, I can't do this."

I hate panic attacks, I feel as if I'm about to fall off a cliff into a bottomless abyss, I feel as if I'm going to die immediately. I have the strong urge to run away and often to end the attack I have to move quickly from where I am to another area; most inconvenient when you're sitting on the commode or driving in the car, or even at work.

I woke Master up with my vocalizing and he was concerned about me. I feel bad for waking him; he didn't sleep well the night before and needs a good night of sleep. I am thankful he didn't ask me to talk about it; he just offered comfort in the way of asking if I were okay and snuggling with me when I came back to bed. I needed that.

Talking about my panic attacks is hard. Unless one has had an attack it is really hard to understand them. The best explanation I found was in a pamphlet in a psychiatrist's office.. it described it as a wonky fight or flight reaction. That's sort of how it feels, like I have to fight or run away but the urge to run away is much, much, much stronger. Only problem is, mine have no rhyme or reason, they just happen. I can go months and even a year without having one and then WHAMMO! I'll start having them on a semi-regular basis for a while.

I feel a bit depressed today; it seems to go hand in hand with the attacks. Sometimes I think about taking meds again but, I hated what they did to me. I'd rather stick with alternative methods of dealing with this stuff than deal with feeling disconnected from my body.

I'll live, I always do, but this stuff does get really old after a lifetime. I've been having these attacks since I was a child. Give us a break eh?

Positives and change

Doing the five positives a day assignment has helped me some. I've been able to focus more on the positives than the negatives. As soon as a negative pops into my head I am consciously aware of it and take steps to banish it.

It feels good to know that Master knows what is good for me and that he will take steps to make sure I get what is good for me. I feel cared for and nurtured in this way. It's strange, being nurtured; I never was as a child. It feels good and it makes me feel good about me, it makes me feel like I am worthy.

I'm all ready for school to start next week. I don't know how often I'll be able to journal right at the start. Until I settle into a routine I expect I'll be feeling a bit harried.

I'm dreading going back, I hate the first day of class with all that goofy getting-to-know-you stuff that teachers do. I'm nervous about my performance, will I maintain my good grades or will I stumble in these classes? The rational side of me says "Look, you've done very well so far in classes with heavy reading and writing of papers, you'll be fine." I should really listen to me huh?

You know, with the prices they charge for these books they really ought to read themselves for you.

At any rate, life is picking up again for me. My time as a hermit is over, no more hiding at home with my only human interaction being my family, online, and the lady at the checkout aisle. I think I'm ready for it.

What's so good about me?

Well now, after a long talk about my self-image, Master has given me an assignment. Every day I have to write five positive things about myself and give reasons why they're good.

1.) I'm a good friend
When I am your friend I am there for you 100% and will bend over backwards to help out if I can.

2.) I'm open-minded
I try not to make judgments about things until I've looked at all sides. I'm open to new experiences and knowledge.

3.) I have beautiful eyes
My emotions are mirrored in my eyes, they are very expressive. They have a nice shape to them and the color is a very rich hazel.

4.) I am a very creative person
I enjoy creating things and the things I create are often lovely and useful.

5.) I am intelligent
I have a good knowledge of a wide variety of topics and my thirst for knowledge is rarely quenched.

Wonder Woman

I wish I were her. I grew up watching that show wanting so much to be just like her; powerful, confident, able to do it all. Unfortunately, I'm human, not a superhero.

I keep trying to do it all and finding disappointment when I'm overwhelmed and left drowning by the waves of building responsibilities. Other people are able to juggle school, work, and family and even manage a social life, I should be able to do that too. Right? Wrong. For some reason I can't handle more than school, family, and very part-time social life. I can't even tread water much less swim if I do more than that.

For some reason it feels like a failure. I guess I still have unrealistic expectations of myself.

I tried to work in addition to planning to go back to school this summer after a three month long enforced hiatus due to financial aid cancellation. I won't be working just yet after all. While I'm relieved that I don't have to try to manage work just yet, I'm worrying over financial aid and whether I'll get what I need. I'm also scared that I won't be able to handle the three classes I'm registered for. In all my college history, every time I tried to take three classes I got overwhelmed and ended up dropping one. Two classes were just right and I did exceedingly well. So much rides on whether or not I do well this term.

Gods help me do well and help me handle my courses. I wish this stress would just go away. I've tried all the usual methods of relaxation and nothing is working. I'm increasingly irritable and anxious. I'd like a vacation right about now.

Of meltdowns and stress

Last night Master and I went to a play party/wedding reception held at the home of two of our Lifestyle friends.

We had a wonderful time; right up until the point Master wanted to play with me. I don't understand what came over me, I wanted to play, I needed to play. It had been a while since Master and I had had a chance to play. Kids and his having to work overnight have really conspired against us having any good S&M time.

Still, my head wasn't there. I couldn't force it to get there though I tried as I stood there cuffed to the cross. At one point Master had the knife point at the side of my neck, pressing it against my neck... it made me angry when normally it turns me into a puddle of goo. I felt combative. It got worse as Master changed implements. I don't know what he was hitting my butt with but it hurt and it made me angrier. I ended up crying in anger and frustration. I didn't want to ruin an opportunity to play so I continued to try to force my head into the right space. It just didn't work. Master stopped and took me down.

I was angry, frustrated, and underlying all of that, stressed. I think it was my stress that kept me from getting into the proper headspace. I've been stressing over going back to school, the possibility of having to work while I'm in school and the resultant resentment from the kids over having to be inside all day during the summer, and trying to sort out transportation issues since we're a one car family right now. Just thinking about it all has me scrunching my shoulders. I guess I should be thankful that I'm not having panic attacks over it all.

After talking a bit I was able to finally voice that I was stressed. I don't think I was truly aware of how stressed I was until last night. I'm still stressed today and I'm feeling guilty because Master decided that I'm not going to work while I'm in school. So he still has to bear the brunt of providing financially for our family. I feel like I'm defective because I have a hard time coping when there is more than one problem at a time.

More later if I can sort it out further.