I'm feeling kind of down today. It started this morning with a top that Master had bought me just three weeks ago, it's too snug now and it looks ridiculous on me. I've gained weight.
I feel like beating myself up and calling myself all sorts of names but what good would it do? Would it do any good. Not really, so instead I feel badly about getting so out of control with my eating and look to Master to help me get it under control.
Still, I feel very discouraged. I feel like I'm gigantic and as big as a house. My body image has always been distorted, as a size 8 I felt as if I were huge. As a size 12 I was convinced that I was huge. I lived in fear of becoming as heavy as my mother, well; I am now nearly as heavy as she is. What is wrong with me that makes me eat so much? It would be so much easier if it could be chalked up to lack of self-control. "If you'd only push away from the table when you're full." I do. I put the fork down after I'm full. The problem is what makes me feel full is a whole lot more than what makes others feel full.
I feel so trapped by this. Drugs were easy to give up, I just quit buying them, quit using them. Giving up food isn't really an option.
I am frustrated. I am fat and it feels like such a dirty thing to be.
***************
It's a few hours later and I'm still feeling less than wonderful about myself. I watched part of The Swan tonight... shows like that are toxic for me, it gets me to fantasizing about a quick fix. After the fantasy wears off reality sets in, I'm going to have to work my butt off, literally.
I've made some positive changes in my diet and I really need to recognize them for what they are. I no longer drink regular soda on a daily basis, that's a big change from my 2 liters of Coke a day habit. I'm taking a good multivitamin. I try to keep healthier snacks on hand like granola bars, rice cakes, and things like that.
They're only baby steps but they're steps in the right direction. I get overwhelmed though, when I look ahead and see the gazillion miles ahead of me that are all uphill. Blinders, got to invest in a good pair of blinders, and something to keep me looking at the path in front of me instead of looking ahead.
Being human isn't all it's cracked up to be some days.
Monday, May 10, 2004
Wednesday, May 05, 2004
Profound Restlessness
I'm thinking profound thoughts, feeling profound emotions, and feeling restless; all at the same time.
Having Master working overnight is really difficult for both of us. He hates it, and I don't like being alone in bed at night.
I'm reading a new book it's called Geisha: A Life... it's the biography of Mineko Iwasaki, a retired geisha. It has been fascinating and has filled my head with images of myself being so graceful, so refined, and then I wonder how long I'd be able to maintain it. The answer? Not long.
So, instead of becoming discouraged I think of ways I can add some of the principles of the geisha into my service. Serving with passion and perfecting the art of my service... these are things I can do.
Having Master working overnight is really difficult for both of us. He hates it, and I don't like being alone in bed at night.
I'm reading a new book it's called Geisha: A Life... it's the biography of Mineko Iwasaki, a retired geisha. It has been fascinating and has filled my head with images of myself being so graceful, so refined, and then I wonder how long I'd be able to maintain it. The answer? Not long.
So, instead of becoming discouraged I think of ways I can add some of the principles of the geisha into my service. Serving with passion and perfecting the art of my service... these are things I can do.
Tuesday, May 04, 2004
Learning new skills
Today's entry comes from a journal prompt at Kindlings
1. What skill would you like to learn to improve your service?
Grace, I'd like to learn how to be graceful. I'd like to learn how to control my body so I can move with grace and ease. I feel like a bull in a china shop most of the time. I bumble and stumble around at times. At least that's how it feels to me, I'm not sure how I appear.
Master has lovingly teased me about my clumsiness but has never stated that it displeases him or that I should do anything to change it. But still I feel as though it needs changing.
I watch documentaries about Geishas, I see other very graceful slaves, and I want to know their secret, how did they learn it? What's more, how can I learn it? I suppose one should start with taking the body off of autopilot and become mindful of one's movements. Easy peasy right? We'll see.
1. What skill would you like to learn to improve your service?
Grace, I'd like to learn how to be graceful. I'd like to learn how to control my body so I can move with grace and ease. I feel like a bull in a china shop most of the time. I bumble and stumble around at times. At least that's how it feels to me, I'm not sure how I appear.
Master has lovingly teased me about my clumsiness but has never stated that it displeases him or that I should do anything to change it. But still I feel as though it needs changing.
I watch documentaries about Geishas, I see other very graceful slaves, and I want to know their secret, how did they learn it? What's more, how can I learn it? I suppose one should start with taking the body off of autopilot and become mindful of one's movements. Easy peasy right? We'll see.
Friday, April 30, 2004
A rant
It never ceases to amaze me how a group of people can be so arrogant as to believe that their way is the only way and that any other is just plain wrong.
Sometimes I get tired of people being sad for me or concerned about my soul because I don't live or believe the way they do. It makes me weary, this sadness and concern on my behalf that is really unnecessary. Of course then the argument would be that I am blind and have lost my way and that's why I think it's unnecessary. *sigh* It’s a circular argument really and one that cannot be reasoned with. It reminds me of when I was a teenager and my mother was in the process of trying to have me committed. She and the psychiatrist, who only spent 10 minutes with me talking about the weather, tried to convince the judge that I was suicidal. I wasn't suicidal, not in the least, but I couldn't make my mother or that psychiatrist listen to me because their minds were made up. I was a teenager, I'd tried *gasp* drugs, and I wasn't listening to my mother, I must be suicidal. A+B does not always equal C, sometimes it equals D or even F.
For once I wish people could be happy for me just because I'm happy. Be happy that I'm living and growing as a person. Be happy that I'm loved and that I love in return. You don't have to understand the choices I've made in order to be happy for me. You don't even have to like them. If you want to be a part of my life you do have to accept that they're my choices to make. I don't ask for anything I'm not willing to give in return.
I think life would be a lot less complicated and there would be a lot more happy people in the world if we could quit worrying about what the other person is doing or isn't doing. Y'know? Of course, I'm an idealist at heart and a hopeless romantic too. What that means is if all of that weren't tempered with a bit of realism and cynicism I'd be one disappointed little girl.
So, on this eve of Beltane, I'm going to focus on what's important to me; Life, Love, and Happiness. The rest will sort itself out later.
Namaste!
Sometimes I get tired of people being sad for me or concerned about my soul because I don't live or believe the way they do. It makes me weary, this sadness and concern on my behalf that is really unnecessary. Of course then the argument would be that I am blind and have lost my way and that's why I think it's unnecessary. *sigh* It’s a circular argument really and one that cannot be reasoned with. It reminds me of when I was a teenager and my mother was in the process of trying to have me committed. She and the psychiatrist, who only spent 10 minutes with me talking about the weather, tried to convince the judge that I was suicidal. I wasn't suicidal, not in the least, but I couldn't make my mother or that psychiatrist listen to me because their minds were made up. I was a teenager, I'd tried *gasp* drugs, and I wasn't listening to my mother, I must be suicidal. A+B does not always equal C, sometimes it equals D or even F.
For once I wish people could be happy for me just because I'm happy. Be happy that I'm living and growing as a person. Be happy that I'm loved and that I love in return. You don't have to understand the choices I've made in order to be happy for me. You don't even have to like them. If you want to be a part of my life you do have to accept that they're my choices to make. I don't ask for anything I'm not willing to give in return.
I think life would be a lot less complicated and there would be a lot more happy people in the world if we could quit worrying about what the other person is doing or isn't doing. Y'know? Of course, I'm an idealist at heart and a hopeless romantic too. What that means is if all of that weren't tempered with a bit of realism and cynicism I'd be one disappointed little girl.
So, on this eve of Beltane, I'm going to focus on what's important to me; Life, Love, and Happiness. The rest will sort itself out later.
Namaste!
Thursday, April 29, 2004
Focus
Focus, focus, who has the focus?
Master should but lately I've focused on myself, whining when he wants to use my body, complaining that I haven't had pleasure for several days; grumping when I have to get up to get him something; and even complaining when he leaves lights on behind him for me to turn off.
Last night I was lightly stroking Master's back as we lay in bed. He told me I'd made it itch and that I needed to rub some lotion into it because his skin was dry. I was a little grumpy about it but complied. Then something happened, I don't know what exactly but a feeling came over me and I proceeded to give him a very good rub down from neck to ankles. His back has been hurting as have his legs. I hoped to help relieve some of the aches. I'm not sure if I accomplished that or if I made it worse because the muscles are so tight. At the very least I moisturized his back and legs like gangbusters. While I was doing it my whole focus was on making him feel better. It was similar to being in "the zone" when I'm writing. It felt good and right.
Today I was reading posts on LE and the bootblacking forum I just joined, the depth of service and focus on service that some of these people have leaves me in awe. Today I aspire to be more focused on service to Master.
Master should but lately I've focused on myself, whining when he wants to use my body, complaining that I haven't had pleasure for several days; grumping when I have to get up to get him something; and even complaining when he leaves lights on behind him for me to turn off.
Last night I was lightly stroking Master's back as we lay in bed. He told me I'd made it itch and that I needed to rub some lotion into it because his skin was dry. I was a little grumpy about it but complied. Then something happened, I don't know what exactly but a feeling came over me and I proceeded to give him a very good rub down from neck to ankles. His back has been hurting as have his legs. I hoped to help relieve some of the aches. I'm not sure if I accomplished that or if I made it worse because the muscles are so tight. At the very least I moisturized his back and legs like gangbusters. While I was doing it my whole focus was on making him feel better. It was similar to being in "the zone" when I'm writing. It felt good and right.
Today I was reading posts on LE and the bootblacking forum I just joined, the depth of service and focus on service that some of these people have leaves me in awe. Today I aspire to be more focused on service to Master.
Tuesday, April 27, 2004
Change
After all the recent lessons I've had about change, still I want to kick and scream and fight against it; as if that's really going to stop things from changing. I know better, really I do. It's just so hard to change old patterns of behavior.
Yesterday afternoon Master came home and dropped two bits of news on me. The first was that he was going to be sent to Canada for a couple of days for work. No biggie, I was actually a bit excited for him because he's wanted to travel for work and he's never flown so this would be an opportunity for him to fly. The second was that he would be working overnight while they brought a technician from nights to days to see if they could work with him and rectify his poor performance. For the most part I was dealing okay with it, Master has worked nights before to cover other people's vacations. Then later, just before bed he decides to tell me that it will be for a month or so.
That's when I became upset, an entire month or more without Master in bed with me at night? With Saturdays being spent waiting for him to wake up and hoping that he'll have enough energy to go do something with me?
Master used to work overnight he's only worked days for a couple of years now. When he was on nights our lives were almost totally separate, it felt like he didn't really live here.
I'm scared that it will be like that again even though I know Master is a different person now than he was then. I don't want to be alone again. I don't want to feel alone again.
I can only imagine how he must feel and that's where I need to concentrate my thoughts. He's going to be at work all night and will have to try to sleep during the day, plus he'll be missing me and the kids. After talking with Master last night, I realized that I had let my focus shift from him to myself. He felt as if I were angry with him and that I was being unsupportive. I'm sorry Master for making you feel this way.
kharita posted something to the LE list today that made me really stop and think. It was advice to another slave who is having different issues. She suggested that she should lay it all at her Master's feet and let go of the control she's still holding onto. It's good advice for my situation too. Thank you kharita as always, your posts are very timely and your words are wise and insightful.
I did just that this afternoon with an e-mail to Master which will be followed up with a talk. I shared my fears and worries and apologized for getting wrapped up in my own stuff. This concern is his now and I'm going to focus on doing productive things that will help him relax and will make his life easier.
Yesterday afternoon Master came home and dropped two bits of news on me. The first was that he was going to be sent to Canada for a couple of days for work. No biggie, I was actually a bit excited for him because he's wanted to travel for work and he's never flown so this would be an opportunity for him to fly. The second was that he would be working overnight while they brought a technician from nights to days to see if they could work with him and rectify his poor performance. For the most part I was dealing okay with it, Master has worked nights before to cover other people's vacations. Then later, just before bed he decides to tell me that it will be for a month or so.
That's when I became upset, an entire month or more without Master in bed with me at night? With Saturdays being spent waiting for him to wake up and hoping that he'll have enough energy to go do something with me?
Master used to work overnight he's only worked days for a couple of years now. When he was on nights our lives were almost totally separate, it felt like he didn't really live here.
I'm scared that it will be like that again even though I know Master is a different person now than he was then. I don't want to be alone again. I don't want to feel alone again.
I can only imagine how he must feel and that's where I need to concentrate my thoughts. He's going to be at work all night and will have to try to sleep during the day, plus he'll be missing me and the kids. After talking with Master last night, I realized that I had let my focus shift from him to myself. He felt as if I were angry with him and that I was being unsupportive. I'm sorry Master for making you feel this way.
kharita posted something to the LE list today that made me really stop and think. It was advice to another slave who is having different issues. She suggested that she should lay it all at her Master's feet and let go of the control she's still holding onto. It's good advice for my situation too. Thank you kharita as always, your posts are very timely and your words are wise and insightful.
I did just that this afternoon with an e-mail to Master which will be followed up with a talk. I shared my fears and worries and apologized for getting wrapped up in my own stuff. This concern is his now and I'm going to focus on doing productive things that will help him relax and will make his life easier.
Monday, April 26, 2004
Hangovers
I've decided that hangovers really suck. But being taken care of so tenderly by Master is a special gift.
We went out drinking with our lifestyle friends Saturday night and overdid it just a wee bit. After five hours of sleep I woke up dizzy and with one of the world's worst tension headaches. The combination made me question whether I was going to keep the contents of my stomach where they belonged. After seeing my condition Master told me I was going to take my headache meds, drink some water, and get some more sleep. I requested toast and a heating pad which he brought upstairs to me. After eating my toast, taking my meds, and drinking my water I did indeed go back to sleep. In fact, I slept on and off for most of the day. After getting up I realized I was hungry, Master picked me up a burger and fries for lunch when he picked up Zboy from work. I dozed again while Master cooked dinner.
We spent time watching TV together last night after dinner. We watched Iron Chef America, which was fun. I wonder if he enjoyed it as much as I did. It wasn't just the program, I might not have watched it by myself, it was the company and being able to comment back and forth with him about it.
Yesterday was a pretty vanilla day for us but it was a good day. I thanked Master for taking such good care of me, I appreciated it so very much. It's one of the first times that I've been able to let him take care of me without questioning him or insisting that I do things on my own. He's given me a lot to be thankful for.
We went out drinking with our lifestyle friends Saturday night and overdid it just a wee bit. After five hours of sleep I woke up dizzy and with one of the world's worst tension headaches. The combination made me question whether I was going to keep the contents of my stomach where they belonged. After seeing my condition Master told me I was going to take my headache meds, drink some water, and get some more sleep. I requested toast and a heating pad which he brought upstairs to me. After eating my toast, taking my meds, and drinking my water I did indeed go back to sleep. In fact, I slept on and off for most of the day. After getting up I realized I was hungry, Master picked me up a burger and fries for lunch when he picked up Zboy from work. I dozed again while Master cooked dinner.
We spent time watching TV together last night after dinner. We watched Iron Chef America, which was fun. I wonder if he enjoyed it as much as I did. It wasn't just the program, I might not have watched it by myself, it was the company and being able to comment back and forth with him about it.
Yesterday was a pretty vanilla day for us but it was a good day. I thanked Master for taking such good care of me, I appreciated it so very much. It's one of the first times that I've been able to let him take care of me without questioning him or insisting that I do things on my own. He's given me a lot to be thankful for.
Saturday, April 24, 2004
Self-confidence
I've really got to say, it feels good to have some self-confidence. My newfound self-confidence was put to the test yesterday and passed with flying colors. Master and I played with a lady of my acquaintance.
I had not one pang of jealousy, not one twitch of feeling inadequate as I watched Master play with her and take pleasure from her. It was a wonderfully warm and sharing time for all of us. In the past I would have spent the entire time convincing myself that Master would come to prefer the other over me because I would have been sure that everything about her was superior to me.
All my life I've felt insecure and for the first time I feel secure and it feels good.
I had not one pang of jealousy, not one twitch of feeling inadequate as I watched Master play with her and take pleasure from her. It was a wonderfully warm and sharing time for all of us. In the past I would have spent the entire time convincing myself that Master would come to prefer the other over me because I would have been sure that everything about her was superior to me.
All my life I've felt insecure and for the first time I feel secure and it feels good.
Friday, April 16, 2004
Feeling little
Yesterday I felt playful, I felt like Daddy's lil girl, I put my hair up in piggie tails and hoped Daddy would notice when he got home from work.
He noticed but was too tired; he needed me to be growed up. That part sucks... having to be growed up and do growed up things when all I want to do is lay on the floor and color in my coloring book or curl up in Daddy's lap for a snuggle. Sometimes it is really difficult to balance my inner kid with being a slave. My inner kid, while still submissive, doesn't serve in the same capacity that I do as Master's slave.
It's not easy talking about my inner kid, sometimes I worry what others will think. Sometimes adult ageplayers are kind of looked down on, as if there's something wrong with us. Maybe talking about it would help those folks who think there's something wrong with adult ageplayers see that we're really OK.
It's been a long time since my lil was allowed all the way out. Most of the time she peeks out when we're at the store and we see cool toys or when Daddy calls her out at special times. Other than that she sits in silence while the 'dultz do what 'dultz do. She's feeling restless, she wants to play and she wants Daddy to play with her. She's also a little sulky 'cos Daddy was too tired yesterday. Even though the grown up slave knows things happen in Master's own time, the inner kid feels a little hurt when Daddy won't play.
He noticed but was too tired; he needed me to be growed up. That part sucks... having to be growed up and do growed up things when all I want to do is lay on the floor and color in my coloring book or curl up in Daddy's lap for a snuggle. Sometimes it is really difficult to balance my inner kid with being a slave. My inner kid, while still submissive, doesn't serve in the same capacity that I do as Master's slave.
It's not easy talking about my inner kid, sometimes I worry what others will think. Sometimes adult ageplayers are kind of looked down on, as if there's something wrong with us. Maybe talking about it would help those folks who think there's something wrong with adult ageplayers see that we're really OK.
It's been a long time since my lil was allowed all the way out. Most of the time she peeks out when we're at the store and we see cool toys or when Daddy calls her out at special times. Other than that she sits in silence while the 'dultz do what 'dultz do. She's feeling restless, she wants to play and she wants Daddy to play with her. She's also a little sulky 'cos Daddy was too tired yesterday. Even though the grown up slave knows things happen in Master's own time, the inner kid feels a little hurt when Daddy won't play.
Thursday, April 15, 2004
New projects
Well it seems my Lady has decided I need some new projects to keep me busy. I'm excited about the new projects. She's commissioned me to make her two sets of rope floggers and we've talked about her buying the tools I'd need to make leather floggers with the understanding that I'd owe her a leather flogger. Too cool!
I love to create things; it is very satisfying to be able to make something with my hands and even more satisfying when someone else appreciates what I've made.
I'm looking forward to the challenge of learning how to work with leather too. I promise I won't roll around on the living room floor in the leather...much. Leather fetish, moi? Oui! What can I say; I'm a leather slut... I love the scent, I love the texture, I love how it feels against my skin, and I especially love how men look in leather. *shivers*
Once upon a time in a land far, far away, when Master and I were first dating. He'd bought himself a leather biker jacket... one evening while I was visiting him, we went to his bedroom... put on some AC/DC tunes and he laid out his leather for me to lie on...and we had sex with me snuggled up in his leather jacket. It was good sex too, the toe curling, goose bump raising kind. Hard to imagine teenagers being able to have sex that good but he has always been an exceptional lover.
So, I have the prospect of new projects and having the scent of leather to surround me, I can't wait to get started!
I love to create things; it is very satisfying to be able to make something with my hands and even more satisfying when someone else appreciates what I've made.
I'm looking forward to the challenge of learning how to work with leather too. I promise I won't roll around on the living room floor in the leather...much. Leather fetish, moi? Oui! What can I say; I'm a leather slut... I love the scent, I love the texture, I love how it feels against my skin, and I especially love how men look in leather. *shivers*
Once upon a time in a land far, far away, when Master and I were first dating. He'd bought himself a leather biker jacket... one evening while I was visiting him, we went to his bedroom... put on some AC/DC tunes and he laid out his leather for me to lie on...and we had sex with me snuggled up in his leather jacket. It was good sex too, the toe curling, goose bump raising kind. Hard to imagine teenagers being able to have sex that good but he has always been an exceptional lover.
So, I have the prospect of new projects and having the scent of leather to surround me, I can't wait to get started!
Monday, April 12, 2004
My weekend
The weekend was good and bad. The good, Master and I married two of our good friends. He and I are ordained ministers with the Universal Life Church and were honored to have the privilege of performing their ceremony.
The bad, Master had a little bit too much to drink after the wedding and said a couple of things during conversation that felt hurtful to me. On the ride home I mentioned them and a combination of weeks of stress and too much drink culminated in him losing his temper with me and some very hurtful things being said.
I felt lost, scared, confused, and extremely hurt. In years past I would have gotten angry in return and would have held my own in the argument and I wouldn't have felt any of the feelings I felt this time. Despite loving him as much as I always have, I had barriers up... there were still walls around my heart that even he hadn't been allowed through. Since I began submitting to him those walls have slowly come down little by little. They simply aren't there any more where he's concerned.
We talked when we got home, he apologized for his behavior and we went out and spent the evening with my Lady and her boy. It turned out to be a very good night that ended well.
I thought we'd resolved Saturday's situation. Then yesterday after his nap Master called me upstairs. Once up there Master was cold and harsh. He spanked me, slapped me, strangled me, and used my mouth... then he got the handcuffs out and cuffed my hands behind my back. The tears started just before he'd gotten the handcuffs but weren't obvious until after I'd been cuffed and he'd roughed me up a bit more. I was sobbing by the time he realized things weren't right. Normally this type of play is fun for me... I love it as much, if not more than he does. But, after Saturday's unexpected outburst, I misinterpreted his sadistic mood as more anger. I went to a very little place inside and felt like my Daddy was angry with me. I was scared and didn't know what I'd done wrong.
After he'd gotten me calmed down with reassurances that he wasn't angry and would never do those sorts of things in anger, along with reminders that in the past with punishments he always makes sure I understand that I am being punished and why... I was able to articulate what had happened. I only just now understand how much of an impact his anger had on me. I internalized it all, somehow it was my fault...I'd displeased him. All those feelings I'd felt Saturday came back to me in a rush yesterday, I felt just as wretched as I had on Saturday, just as lost, just as scared, and just as hurt. I felt even worse when I realized why I was crying. I gained a new trigger Saturday and that's not a good thing. I didn't want to tell Master why I was crying, I knew it would make him feel bad and I didn't want that. Yet, he had to know. In a way, I felt as if I'd let him down. I felt as if I were weak for being so sensitive and for having no barriers against him.
We talked more and I felt better after our talk. Master says he'll tell me before playing like he wanted to play Sunday so that I'm aware that it is only play. I agree with him that this would be helpful in defusing the trigger. I hope that we can heal it because I'd miss playing as hard as we do.
I think we both learned quite a bit this weekend. I love him, as deeply now as before... perhaps deeper because instead of allowing what happened to drive us apart and using it as an excuse to build more walls... it brought us closer together and I remain as open to him as ever.
The bad, Master had a little bit too much to drink after the wedding and said a couple of things during conversation that felt hurtful to me. On the ride home I mentioned them and a combination of weeks of stress and too much drink culminated in him losing his temper with me and some very hurtful things being said.
I felt lost, scared, confused, and extremely hurt. In years past I would have gotten angry in return and would have held my own in the argument and I wouldn't have felt any of the feelings I felt this time. Despite loving him as much as I always have, I had barriers up... there were still walls around my heart that even he hadn't been allowed through. Since I began submitting to him those walls have slowly come down little by little. They simply aren't there any more where he's concerned.
We talked when we got home, he apologized for his behavior and we went out and spent the evening with my Lady and her boy. It turned out to be a very good night that ended well.
I thought we'd resolved Saturday's situation. Then yesterday after his nap Master called me upstairs. Once up there Master was cold and harsh. He spanked me, slapped me, strangled me, and used my mouth... then he got the handcuffs out and cuffed my hands behind my back. The tears started just before he'd gotten the handcuffs but weren't obvious until after I'd been cuffed and he'd roughed me up a bit more. I was sobbing by the time he realized things weren't right. Normally this type of play is fun for me... I love it as much, if not more than he does. But, after Saturday's unexpected outburst, I misinterpreted his sadistic mood as more anger. I went to a very little place inside and felt like my Daddy was angry with me. I was scared and didn't know what I'd done wrong.
After he'd gotten me calmed down with reassurances that he wasn't angry and would never do those sorts of things in anger, along with reminders that in the past with punishments he always makes sure I understand that I am being punished and why... I was able to articulate what had happened. I only just now understand how much of an impact his anger had on me. I internalized it all, somehow it was my fault...I'd displeased him. All those feelings I'd felt Saturday came back to me in a rush yesterday, I felt just as wretched as I had on Saturday, just as lost, just as scared, and just as hurt. I felt even worse when I realized why I was crying. I gained a new trigger Saturday and that's not a good thing. I didn't want to tell Master why I was crying, I knew it would make him feel bad and I didn't want that. Yet, he had to know. In a way, I felt as if I'd let him down. I felt as if I were weak for being so sensitive and for having no barriers against him.
We talked more and I felt better after our talk. Master says he'll tell me before playing like he wanted to play Sunday so that I'm aware that it is only play. I agree with him that this would be helpful in defusing the trigger. I hope that we can heal it because I'd miss playing as hard as we do.
I think we both learned quite a bit this weekend. I love him, as deeply now as before... perhaps deeper because instead of allowing what happened to drive us apart and using it as an excuse to build more walls... it brought us closer together and I remain as open to him as ever.
Wednesday, April 07, 2004
Trust
Last night Master was telling me about things he was planning on doing with me, things that will take me into uncomfortable territory. He asked me more than once if it made me nervous. I can't honestly say that I felt nervous.
My trust in him is that complete. I trust him to take me in and bring me through any experience. My life is his to mold as he sees fit, my body is his to use as he sees fit. That is what it means to me to be his slave. I don't need to be nervous because I know he won't do anything to or with me that will cause physical or mental harm. He has demonstrated that many times over.
Looking back at who I used to be and seeing just how far I've come in the realm of personal growth is pretty satisfying. Just two or three years ago I wouldn't have been capable of trust this deep. I wasn't ready.
This isn't to say that I don't still have trust issues because I do. I don't trust everyone the way I trust Master. I sometimes feel that I'm stingy and selfish with my trust and maybe I am in some ways. I still feel I have good reason to be. To trust is to open yourself up for hurts and sometimes the hurts are so great that they threaten to break you. No one wants to experience that level of hurt, especially if they've already been there before.
On the flip side of that, when you're able to trust you open yourself up for love and companionship. The more trust you give the more you open up, making room for more love. It's a leap of faith, to trust someone; you can't always see where you're going to land. Thank the Gods that I landed on the firm ground of Master's love and integrity.
My trust in him is that complete. I trust him to take me in and bring me through any experience. My life is his to mold as he sees fit, my body is his to use as he sees fit. That is what it means to me to be his slave. I don't need to be nervous because I know he won't do anything to or with me that will cause physical or mental harm. He has demonstrated that many times over.
Looking back at who I used to be and seeing just how far I've come in the realm of personal growth is pretty satisfying. Just two or three years ago I wouldn't have been capable of trust this deep. I wasn't ready.
This isn't to say that I don't still have trust issues because I do. I don't trust everyone the way I trust Master. I sometimes feel that I'm stingy and selfish with my trust and maybe I am in some ways. I still feel I have good reason to be. To trust is to open yourself up for hurts and sometimes the hurts are so great that they threaten to break you. No one wants to experience that level of hurt, especially if they've already been there before.
On the flip side of that, when you're able to trust you open yourself up for love and companionship. The more trust you give the more you open up, making room for more love. It's a leap of faith, to trust someone; you can't always see where you're going to land. Thank the Gods that I landed on the firm ground of Master's love and integrity.
Wednesday, March 31, 2004
Whoops
Geeze, did I let things slide or what? Sorry about that. I had no intention of going this long without journaling. I just sort of slacked off. The kids were on spring break last week and it was hard to find a moment to myself. I hate that, feeling so clustered with people that I can't think.
There have been some things, concepts, swirling around in my brain lately. I'll begin thinking about them at night with the intention of journaling about them. Then I go to sleep and in the light of day the thoughts have broken up into little bits and pieces that I can't quite put back together. That is so annoying. It has been suggested to me that I should keep a pen and notepad by my bedside so I can jot these things down so I don't lose them. I just haven't implemented that particular idea yet. Procrastination is one of my worst failings.
One of the things that has been on my mind a lot recently is whether I'm a "good" slave or a "real" slave. I've fallen into that age old trap of comparing myself to others. I thought I'd learned to avoid that trap but, apparently not quite yet. After reading posts on LE about how being bratty makes one not a slave, I began feeling a little inadequate. Especially in light of the way Master treats me sometimes. I felt like he was deferring to me and my preferences all the time. I mentioned this to him and he pointed out that if he didn't want to do what we did or eat where we ate, we wouldn't. In the end it is his decision and I need to stop worrying so much, if I weren't slave enough for him he would move to fix that. And indeed, if he feels like exerting more control over me, he does and I bend to his will.
So why then do I compare myself to others? It's a form of self-torture is what it is. There's nothing wrong with admiring another and even aspiring to improve oneself. But when it turns to self-loathing and feelings of inadequacy, it is time to step back and take a moment to think.
I am who and what I am because Master desires me to be this way. If he didn't like a particular habit of mine or behavior, he would take steps to change it. He has already proven that by restricting my speech. No swearing for this girl unless it's in the bedroom in the throes of passion.
Co-dependence, this is something that is scaring me just a wee bit. I'm noticing that more and more, I can't make a decision without Master's approval. I defer to him on nearly everything. When he isn't present there are times I feel unable to act. I am fully immersed in my slavery it seems, and it happened bit by bit so I didn't notice it happening until it was done. It wasn't something we'd talked about, I don't know if he intended for this to happen.
What if something happens to him? What do I do then? I'm afraid that I'll be lost, drifting with no purpose or direction. I hope not to have to learn the answer to this question. If however, the answer comes to me, I do know there are people in my life that Master would approve of to help guide me.
It is a scary thing, slavery. I wouldn't choose any other life.
There have been some things, concepts, swirling around in my brain lately. I'll begin thinking about them at night with the intention of journaling about them. Then I go to sleep and in the light of day the thoughts have broken up into little bits and pieces that I can't quite put back together. That is so annoying. It has been suggested to me that I should keep a pen and notepad by my bedside so I can jot these things down so I don't lose them. I just haven't implemented that particular idea yet. Procrastination is one of my worst failings.
One of the things that has been on my mind a lot recently is whether I'm a "good" slave or a "real" slave. I've fallen into that age old trap of comparing myself to others. I thought I'd learned to avoid that trap but, apparently not quite yet. After reading posts on LE about how being bratty makes one not a slave, I began feeling a little inadequate. Especially in light of the way Master treats me sometimes. I felt like he was deferring to me and my preferences all the time. I mentioned this to him and he pointed out that if he didn't want to do what we did or eat where we ate, we wouldn't. In the end it is his decision and I need to stop worrying so much, if I weren't slave enough for him he would move to fix that. And indeed, if he feels like exerting more control over me, he does and I bend to his will.
So why then do I compare myself to others? It's a form of self-torture is what it is. There's nothing wrong with admiring another and even aspiring to improve oneself. But when it turns to self-loathing and feelings of inadequacy, it is time to step back and take a moment to think.
I am who and what I am because Master desires me to be this way. If he didn't like a particular habit of mine or behavior, he would take steps to change it. He has already proven that by restricting my speech. No swearing for this girl unless it's in the bedroom in the throes of passion.
Co-dependence, this is something that is scaring me just a wee bit. I'm noticing that more and more, I can't make a decision without Master's approval. I defer to him on nearly everything. When he isn't present there are times I feel unable to act. I am fully immersed in my slavery it seems, and it happened bit by bit so I didn't notice it happening until it was done. It wasn't something we'd talked about, I don't know if he intended for this to happen.
What if something happens to him? What do I do then? I'm afraid that I'll be lost, drifting with no purpose or direction. I hope not to have to learn the answer to this question. If however, the answer comes to me, I do know there are people in my life that Master would approve of to help guide me.
It is a scary thing, slavery. I wouldn't choose any other life.
Monday, March 22, 2004
Boxing
Who would have ever thought of boxing as S&M play for an M/s couple? Until last night I never did. Then Master and I started sparring just for fun. We aimed for the shoulders of the other. Or rather I aimed for his and he landed several punches on both of my shoulders.
I really needed some pain play and we couldn't do much with the kids being here so while they were upstairs we sparred in the living room under the guise of just goofing around. There was a lot of laughter and giggling coming from me while he teased and taunted me. It turned the trick. My foul mood neatly evaporated as we danced around the living room. I landed a couple punches which only served to encourage him to redouble his efforts.
Afterwards we sat on the couch together making out when I turned to biting him wherever I found exposed skin. We were both getting amazingly turned on. He dragged me upstairs then, the kids had gone to bed by this time, and we turned on the stereo to mask any noises we might make. He stripped me as I lay there on the bed and started by pinching my left nipple and twisting it. At the same time he gently stroked between my legs which lulled me into a false sense of pleasure that was suddenly shattered as he slapped my exposed girly bits. The rest of the night was spent exhausting our primal lusts. Master spoiled me with a very powerful orgasm after which he used me for his own pleasure.
Today I feel a sense of calm and contentment. My muscles ache but it's a good ache.
Being a masochist isn't always easy and it isn't something I can turn off like a light switch. I sometimes wonder if I'm the only person who actually needs the pain play.
I really needed some pain play and we couldn't do much with the kids being here so while they were upstairs we sparred in the living room under the guise of just goofing around. There was a lot of laughter and giggling coming from me while he teased and taunted me. It turned the trick. My foul mood neatly evaporated as we danced around the living room. I landed a couple punches which only served to encourage him to redouble his efforts.
Afterwards we sat on the couch together making out when I turned to biting him wherever I found exposed skin. We were both getting amazingly turned on. He dragged me upstairs then, the kids had gone to bed by this time, and we turned on the stereo to mask any noises we might make. He stripped me as I lay there on the bed and started by pinching my left nipple and twisting it. At the same time he gently stroked between my legs which lulled me into a false sense of pleasure that was suddenly shattered as he slapped my exposed girly bits. The rest of the night was spent exhausting our primal lusts. Master spoiled me with a very powerful orgasm after which he used me for his own pleasure.
Today I feel a sense of calm and contentment. My muscles ache but it's a good ache.
Being a masochist isn't always easy and it isn't something I can turn off like a light switch. I sometimes wonder if I'm the only person who actually needs the pain play.
Saturday, March 20, 2004
Moody brat
Where did the contented slave go? I'd like to know.
It seems like this moody attitude has just descended upon me this afternoon from out of the blue.
I recognize this mood, this attitude and the resulting brattiness. I need to be hurt. The intensity of my need is overwhelming. I could scream I'm so frustrated. Last weekend when we had the opportunity to play but Master took it easy on me because my back had been hurting. I am thankful he is concerned for my well-being really I am. I just wish my back hadn't been hurting so that we could have played as intensely as he'd suggested we would do.
I know I'm focusing on the wrong things, my focus belongs on Master, on serving him and being pleasing for him. Being a bratty little beast isn't going to be pleasing to anyone.
I need to lay this at his feet and let it go.
It seems like this moody attitude has just descended upon me this afternoon from out of the blue.
I recognize this mood, this attitude and the resulting brattiness. I need to be hurt. The intensity of my need is overwhelming. I could scream I'm so frustrated. Last weekend when we had the opportunity to play but Master took it easy on me because my back had been hurting. I am thankful he is concerned for my well-being really I am. I just wish my back hadn't been hurting so that we could have played as intensely as he'd suggested we would do.
I know I'm focusing on the wrong things, my focus belongs on Master, on serving him and being pleasing for him. Being a bratty little beast isn't going to be pleasing to anyone.
I need to lay this at his feet and let it go.
Wednesday, March 17, 2004
Discipline
"Without discipline, there's no life at all." -Katharine Hepburn
I found this quote, along with other superb journal prompts at Kindlings
So, I'm thinking, there's no life at all without discipline eh? I think that yes there is life without discipline but it's a very chaotic and unhappy life.
I'm a fairly undisciplined person and I'm slowly learning to be more disciplined. It is really difficult to retrain one's entire way of thinking and I slip and backslide occasionally. But with Master's help I think I am improving.
I find that I am more content when I discipline myself and keep things under control rather than letting them get out of control as a result of procrastination.
Yesterday I would have felt extremely guilty if I'd eaten the entire container of Pringles like I'd wanted to. But thanks to Master telling me I could only have a few, I was able to be content with just a few. I'm not sure how it worked really, my overeating urge tends to overrule everything but Master's control seemed to flip a switch in my head. I'll have to think more on that.
I definitely think that being disciplined helps one to have a happier and less chaotic life.
I found this quote, along with other superb journal prompts at Kindlings
So, I'm thinking, there's no life at all without discipline eh? I think that yes there is life without discipline but it's a very chaotic and unhappy life.
I'm a fairly undisciplined person and I'm slowly learning to be more disciplined. It is really difficult to retrain one's entire way of thinking and I slip and backslide occasionally. But with Master's help I think I am improving.
I find that I am more content when I discipline myself and keep things under control rather than letting them get out of control as a result of procrastination.
Yesterday I would have felt extremely guilty if I'd eaten the entire container of Pringles like I'd wanted to. But thanks to Master telling me I could only have a few, I was able to be content with just a few. I'm not sure how it worked really, my overeating urge tends to overrule everything but Master's control seemed to flip a switch in my head. I'll have to think more on that.
I definitely think that being disciplined helps one to have a happier and less chaotic life.
Monday, March 15, 2004
Snow!!
First I just want to register my complaint with Mother Nature about this snow that She decided we need. I'm tired of snow, I want to see green grass and leaf buds on the trees.
Today went pretty darn well considering the nasty weather that we've had. My job interview was good. Master dropped me off just in time to be with my mother before her eye surgery. She was pretty panicked but my sister and I jollied and laughed her through the wait.
The surgery itself was quick and went well. I spoke to her on the phone a little while ago and her vision is improved. That's a major weight off of my mind.
Our collaring ceremony was wonderful. I wore my hair up with a few wisps hanging down around my face. I knelt nude in front of Master, he said a few very wonderful things to me and asked me if I was ready and then he placed his collar around my neck. He finished with "What are you?" I answered "Your slave." He asked "What am I?" and I responded "My Master." Then he took my hand and pulled me to stand in front of him and we embraced. It was wonderful, meaningful, and I am thrilled that we were able to share it with our friends who really feel like family to me.
Afterwards Master worked me over and gave me the most wonderful flogging on my upper back. Yum! If I hadn't had an upcoming appointment with the chiropractor he was going to etch the word "slave" on my back. Darn those doctor's appointments!
Once we got home we had some pretty awesome sex too. He gave me two, count 'em two orgasms!! Yeah, I was feeling pretty spoiled after that.
Since Saturday night Master has been more affectionate, lots of hand holding and stroking my neck and his collar. I truly feel as though I am his cherished and treasured property. I want to run through the streets singing "He owns me!"
Sunday morning was a bit nerve wracking, I had to pass the kid test. Until I woke up Sunday morning I hadn't given any thought to what the kids might say or think about the ring of steel around my neck. As I pulled on my lounge clothes butterflies erupted in my belly. Once I was dressed I took a deep breath and headed downstairs. My worry was unnecessary. The youngest asked what it was. Master told her it was sort of a necklace that he bought for me. The oldest girl didn't say anything until last night when, saying goodnight, she tentatively touched it and said "It's still kind of weird." The oldest thought it was cool. So, I've passed the kid test.
I found that during my job interview I was very aware of the collar's weight around my neck which made me think of Master. I like that.
Today went pretty darn well considering the nasty weather that we've had. My job interview was good. Master dropped me off just in time to be with my mother before her eye surgery. She was pretty panicked but my sister and I jollied and laughed her through the wait.
The surgery itself was quick and went well. I spoke to her on the phone a little while ago and her vision is improved. That's a major weight off of my mind.
Our collaring ceremony was wonderful. I wore my hair up with a few wisps hanging down around my face. I knelt nude in front of Master, he said a few very wonderful things to me and asked me if I was ready and then he placed his collar around my neck. He finished with "What are you?" I answered "Your slave." He asked "What am I?" and I responded "My Master." Then he took my hand and pulled me to stand in front of him and we embraced. It was wonderful, meaningful, and I am thrilled that we were able to share it with our friends who really feel like family to me.
Afterwards Master worked me over and gave me the most wonderful flogging on my upper back. Yum! If I hadn't had an upcoming appointment with the chiropractor he was going to etch the word "slave" on my back. Darn those doctor's appointments!
Once we got home we had some pretty awesome sex too. He gave me two, count 'em two orgasms!! Yeah, I was feeling pretty spoiled after that.
Since Saturday night Master has been more affectionate, lots of hand holding and stroking my neck and his collar. I truly feel as though I am his cherished and treasured property. I want to run through the streets singing "He owns me!"
Sunday morning was a bit nerve wracking, I had to pass the kid test. Until I woke up Sunday morning I hadn't given any thought to what the kids might say or think about the ring of steel around my neck. As I pulled on my lounge clothes butterflies erupted in my belly. Once I was dressed I took a deep breath and headed downstairs. My worry was unnecessary. The youngest asked what it was. Master told her it was sort of a necklace that he bought for me. The oldest girl didn't say anything until last night when, saying goodnight, she tentatively touched it and said "It's still kind of weird." The oldest thought it was cool. So, I've passed the kid test.
I found that during my job interview I was very aware of the collar's weight around my neck which made me think of Master. I like that.
Friday, March 12, 2004
When it rains...
It pours... it really does. My sister is making plans to divorce her husband, my back has gone kaflooey, and my mother is having cataracts surgery on Monday.
And now, I have a job interview at 8:30 a.m. Monday morning. An hour and 15 minutes before my mother is due to be at the outpatient surgery center. I didn't want to schedule an interview on the day of her surgery but getting a job is high on my list of priorities right now. I need a part-time job in order to help Master support our family.
I'm beginning to dread my mother's surgery. Besides cataracts she has glaucoma, and her eyes were damaged in the womb. She was born legally blind though she still had some sight. Her eyes are weak and there is the possibility that removal of the cataracts will cause her eyes to just give out and she'll be totally blind. I'm scared of this possibility. She'll expect my sister and I to take care of her then. I can't do that. I just can't. I can barely stand spending time with her.
When most mothers and daughters are bonding my mother was busily avoiding reality by getting as doped up as possible on prescription drugs. She was abusive both verbally and physically. She withheld her love and approval from me and lavished it all on my baby sister who hates her. I raised my sister while my mother was drugging. After she got clean she became extremely selfish or maybe that is her true nature and I never noticed it until then. She went to college leaving us home alone a lot of the time. She had a man who raped her babysit us. Yet somehow she was surprised when he took a liking to little girls.
Even after all the hell she put us through she didn't make better arrangements for us, she left us home alone at night. She has apologized for screwing up. That's all well and good but she never made amends. She never tried to improve herself as a mother. She never changed. I'm still angry to this day. I'm still hurt. I was a good child, I was a loveable child but she wouldn't see that because my creation screwed up her life. Stupid wench, should have used a condom while screwing around on her husband.
I've thought about going to her with all of this but I know it won't penetrate her version of reality. In her mind she has apologized and all should be forgiven. "I'm sorry" isn't going to erase the nights spent crying myself to sleep, "I'm sorry" isn't going to erase the hell her selfishness put us girls through, "I'm sorry" isn't going to soothe the hurt feelings. It would have helped if it had been followed up with a genuine change. All she gave us were empty words that had no meaning because her actions said otherwise.
Yet, I'm the dutiful daughter, I'll be there for her Monday morning because she's scared and it's my job as her daughter to be there. I'm going for my sister more than for her. My sister shouldn't have to do it all.
If it weren't for Alan forcing me to pull back and focus on the family we created together, I think I'd still be doing all my mother's errands and jumping to run whenever she called. When I didn't have the strength to do it myself, he loaned me his.
Despite all this bitterness that I still feel towards her, I can see that without the experiences I had growing up I wouldn't be who I am today and for the most part, I like who I am.
And now, I have a job interview at 8:30 a.m. Monday morning. An hour and 15 minutes before my mother is due to be at the outpatient surgery center. I didn't want to schedule an interview on the day of her surgery but getting a job is high on my list of priorities right now. I need a part-time job in order to help Master support our family.
I'm beginning to dread my mother's surgery. Besides cataracts she has glaucoma, and her eyes were damaged in the womb. She was born legally blind though she still had some sight. Her eyes are weak and there is the possibility that removal of the cataracts will cause her eyes to just give out and she'll be totally blind. I'm scared of this possibility. She'll expect my sister and I to take care of her then. I can't do that. I just can't. I can barely stand spending time with her.
When most mothers and daughters are bonding my mother was busily avoiding reality by getting as doped up as possible on prescription drugs. She was abusive both verbally and physically. She withheld her love and approval from me and lavished it all on my baby sister who hates her. I raised my sister while my mother was drugging. After she got clean she became extremely selfish or maybe that is her true nature and I never noticed it until then. She went to college leaving us home alone a lot of the time. She had a man who raped her babysit us. Yet somehow she was surprised when he took a liking to little girls.
Even after all the hell she put us through she didn't make better arrangements for us, she left us home alone at night. She has apologized for screwing up. That's all well and good but she never made amends. She never tried to improve herself as a mother. She never changed. I'm still angry to this day. I'm still hurt. I was a good child, I was a loveable child but she wouldn't see that because my creation screwed up her life. Stupid wench, should have used a condom while screwing around on her husband.
I've thought about going to her with all of this but I know it won't penetrate her version of reality. In her mind she has apologized and all should be forgiven. "I'm sorry" isn't going to erase the nights spent crying myself to sleep, "I'm sorry" isn't going to erase the hell her selfishness put us girls through, "I'm sorry" isn't going to soothe the hurt feelings. It would have helped if it had been followed up with a genuine change. All she gave us were empty words that had no meaning because her actions said otherwise.
Yet, I'm the dutiful daughter, I'll be there for her Monday morning because she's scared and it's my job as her daughter to be there. I'm going for my sister more than for her. My sister shouldn't have to do it all.
If it weren't for Alan forcing me to pull back and focus on the family we created together, I think I'd still be doing all my mother's errands and jumping to run whenever she called. When I didn't have the strength to do it myself, he loaned me his.
Despite all this bitterness that I still feel towards her, I can see that without the experiences I had growing up I wouldn't be who I am today and for the most part, I like who I am.
Wednesday, March 10, 2004
Entering the calm
I've been contemplating and pondering and all those other fancy words for deep thought, about our upcoming collaring ceremony.
Gone are my nerves, my excitement is tempered with calm acceptance of my position.
Being collared as Alan's slave seems to me to be the inevitable progression of our relationship. Just as flowers blooming in the spring is the inevitable progression of the seasons. It is this knowledge that calms me, things are as they should be. I am his, I have always been his, it just took these many years for me to realize it. Yes, yes, I'm slow to realize certain things.
I've said it before and I'll say it again, when I first started exploring BDSM I swore I would never, ever, ever, be anyone's slave. I should have known never to say never. The concept of slavery was frightening to me. Being the control freak I was, and still am in some aspects, giving up that much control was akin to leaping from the highest cliff into a black abyss with no safety nets and no idea what I'd land on or even if I'd land.
So, I journeyed on as a submissive with numerous limits that I enforced regularly. Yet deep inside in the darkest recesses of my heart was the desire to serve and to be totally owned. I craved it and longed for it. I remember the first time I actually got to serve my dominant partner, I cooked for him and brought him his plate. I was all atwitter with the excitement of it. But something was missing. He didn't own me, he couldn't truly own me due to our circumstances. Nor did he have it in him to truly be a Master and on some level I knew this though I denied it to myself for a long time. I learned and grew a lot through my association with this dominant but the more I learned and the more I grew the more I became discontent with what he could offer me.
By some miracle Alan began exploring D/s with me. In a short time he began dominating me and showed signs of becoming a Master I could be proud to belong to.
One fine Sunday afternoon after a night of intensely heavy S&M I confessed to him that I wanted to give him my safewords. This was one of those 2x4 moments when you see things with a clarity that you don't experience very often. I knew then that we were moving towards becoming Master and slave. He'd begun to enslave me and I was a willing party to it.
Some months later he informed me that my limits were his. That revelation left me a shuddering pile of submissive goo.
Now, some months after his taking of my limits, he will take me and my whole body and soul resonate with the rightness of it.
Gone are my nerves, my excitement is tempered with calm acceptance of my position.
Being collared as Alan's slave seems to me to be the inevitable progression of our relationship. Just as flowers blooming in the spring is the inevitable progression of the seasons. It is this knowledge that calms me, things are as they should be. I am his, I have always been his, it just took these many years for me to realize it. Yes, yes, I'm slow to realize certain things.
I've said it before and I'll say it again, when I first started exploring BDSM I swore I would never, ever, ever, be anyone's slave. I should have known never to say never. The concept of slavery was frightening to me. Being the control freak I was, and still am in some aspects, giving up that much control was akin to leaping from the highest cliff into a black abyss with no safety nets and no idea what I'd land on or even if I'd land.
So, I journeyed on as a submissive with numerous limits that I enforced regularly. Yet deep inside in the darkest recesses of my heart was the desire to serve and to be totally owned. I craved it and longed for it. I remember the first time I actually got to serve my dominant partner, I cooked for him and brought him his plate. I was all atwitter with the excitement of it. But something was missing. He didn't own me, he couldn't truly own me due to our circumstances. Nor did he have it in him to truly be a Master and on some level I knew this though I denied it to myself for a long time. I learned and grew a lot through my association with this dominant but the more I learned and the more I grew the more I became discontent with what he could offer me.
By some miracle Alan began exploring D/s with me. In a short time he began dominating me and showed signs of becoming a Master I could be proud to belong to.
One fine Sunday afternoon after a night of intensely heavy S&M I confessed to him that I wanted to give him my safewords. This was one of those 2x4 moments when you see things with a clarity that you don't experience very often. I knew then that we were moving towards becoming Master and slave. He'd begun to enslave me and I was a willing party to it.
Some months later he informed me that my limits were his. That revelation left me a shuddering pile of submissive goo.
Now, some months after his taking of my limits, he will take me and my whole body and soul resonate with the rightness of it.
Tuesday, March 09, 2004
Frustration
Sunday night my back felt better so I went to Wal-Mart. Yesterday morning I woke up with nearly as much pain the day I hurt my back. Okay, no more Wal-Mart for me. Gotcha. So what do I do? I go to the grocery store last night thinking I'll just walk slowly and won't be there long.
Will I ever learn? I wonder.
So I sit here on heat today and plan to do nothing for the rest of this week so my back can heal. I want to be able to kneel and walk without pain Saturday evening. As of right now, I can't do that.
I'm not quite sure how to feel about this. I've never had an injury that didn't get better after a few days. I don't like not being able to serve in the way I'm used to serving. I don't like having to answer the "Are you okay?" question every time he sees that I'm in pain. No I'm not okay, my back hurts and I can't make it better. I'm feeling rather growly about it all and then I feel like I'm being a jerk. Master is sincerely concerned about my well-being and here I am wanting to snap at him for it.
I'm a horrible patient.
Will I ever learn? I wonder.
So I sit here on heat today and plan to do nothing for the rest of this week so my back can heal. I want to be able to kneel and walk without pain Saturday evening. As of right now, I can't do that.
I'm not quite sure how to feel about this. I've never had an injury that didn't get better after a few days. I don't like not being able to serve in the way I'm used to serving. I don't like having to answer the "Are you okay?" question every time he sees that I'm in pain. No I'm not okay, my back hurts and I can't make it better. I'm feeling rather growly about it all and then I feel like I'm being a jerk. Master is sincerely concerned about my well-being and here I am wanting to snap at him for it.
I'm a horrible patient.
Saturday, March 06, 2004
This sucks
Thursday I decided to fold some laundry. As I stood up to put things away I heard and felt a pop in my lower back and then pain as the muscles spasmed. Went to the doc that evening and was told that I was having muscle spasms. No kidding?
Anyway, the doc gave me a pain killer and a muscle relaxer which has been helping. But now other muscles in my back are acting up. What is up with that?
My body decides to start falling apart when I begin to do something to make it feel better? That's just not right. How am I going to do any exercising if my back is injured? It makes me angry that this is happening.
Anyway, the doc gave me a pain killer and a muscle relaxer which has been helping. But now other muscles in my back are acting up. What is up with that?
My body decides to start falling apart when I begin to do something to make it feel better? That's just not right. How am I going to do any exercising if my back is injured? It makes me angry that this is happening.
Thursday, March 04, 2004
I didn't know that was there!
I started doing Pilates yesterday using a video tape here at home. I'm using Pilates for Dummies and they are not kidding, it really does work your muscles. I have muscles in places I didn't know muscles existed.
I know this because they're aching today. It didn't hurt much yesterday, in fact it felt very good to be moving. When one sits around for the majority of the day one forgets how very good it feels to be moving around.
We've set the date for the collaring and have our fingers crossed that the collar will make it in time. I've spoken with the man who is making it and he assures me he'll get it to us before our date. We've chosen the 13th of this month. *wiggles with excitement*
I've been trying to write something to say to him that night and I keep coming back to this song Feels Like Home This song expresses a lot of what I feel about him. He feels like home to me. I'm getting sappy and mushy now. I know a lot of folks think love has no place in Master/slave relationships but the love was here before the M/s and has only deepend since.
I could serve without love but I wouldn't be serving with my whole heart and all of my being. To serve this way I need to love and be loved in return. Only then can I commit all of myself to service. I am fully committed to serving this man because I love him, because he is a man of honor and integrity, and because he loves me. Yeah, I think I've figured out what I'll say to him now.
I know this because they're aching today. It didn't hurt much yesterday, in fact it felt very good to be moving. When one sits around for the majority of the day one forgets how very good it feels to be moving around.
We've set the date for the collaring and have our fingers crossed that the collar will make it in time. I've spoken with the man who is making it and he assures me he'll get it to us before our date. We've chosen the 13th of this month. *wiggles with excitement*
I've been trying to write something to say to him that night and I keep coming back to this song Feels Like Home This song expresses a lot of what I feel about him. He feels like home to me. I'm getting sappy and mushy now. I know a lot of folks think love has no place in Master/slave relationships but the love was here before the M/s and has only deepend since.
I could serve without love but I wouldn't be serving with my whole heart and all of my being. To serve this way I need to love and be loved in return. Only then can I commit all of myself to service. I am fully committed to serving this man because I love him, because he is a man of honor and integrity, and because he loves me. Yeah, I think I've figured out what I'll say to him now.
Wednesday, March 03, 2004
Nerves
We're working on pinning down a date for the collaring ceremony and all of a sudden I'm a bundle of nerves again.
I'd gotten past the nerves about having something permanent around my neck. But now, now that we're setting a date, I'm nervous again. What is up with that?
I never had an actual wedding so I can't gauge whether or not this is like bridal jitteryness. We were married at the preacher's house with his wife and daughter in attendance. It was unplanned, we were just supposed to be ironing out the details when he said "Why don't we just do it now?" I didn't have time to get nervous.
I think it's the fact that it has gone from the abstract "We'll do it sometime soon." to "We're doing it on this date." It is finally fully real.
I'm realizing that my emotions are going to be out there for those in attendance to see and that's a bit daunting. Being nude in front of numerous people is nothing compared to having my emotions exposed.
*mental note: wear the waterproof mascara and bring tissues*
This is me, I am moved to tears easily because I feel things so keenly, I am very emotionally driven. My Lady has described me as being elemental and I think she's got the right of it.
Mostly I think I'm just excited that it is finally going to happen and I'm looking forward to taking this step with Master and sharing it with a couple of very close friends. This is very different from when we were married and that is as it should be.
I used to dream of the fairy tale wedding and marriage complete with white picket fence. One day I woke up and realized I'm not the white picket fence type and fairy tales are best left in books. This is real life and it is what you make of it.
I'd gotten past the nerves about having something permanent around my neck. But now, now that we're setting a date, I'm nervous again. What is up with that?
I never had an actual wedding so I can't gauge whether or not this is like bridal jitteryness. We were married at the preacher's house with his wife and daughter in attendance. It was unplanned, we were just supposed to be ironing out the details when he said "Why don't we just do it now?" I didn't have time to get nervous.
I think it's the fact that it has gone from the abstract "We'll do it sometime soon." to "We're doing it on this date." It is finally fully real.
I'm realizing that my emotions are going to be out there for those in attendance to see and that's a bit daunting. Being nude in front of numerous people is nothing compared to having my emotions exposed.
*mental note: wear the waterproof mascara and bring tissues*
This is me, I am moved to tears easily because I feel things so keenly, I am very emotionally driven. My Lady has described me as being elemental and I think she's got the right of it.
Mostly I think I'm just excited that it is finally going to happen and I'm looking forward to taking this step with Master and sharing it with a couple of very close friends. This is very different from when we were married and that is as it should be.
I used to dream of the fairy tale wedding and marriage complete with white picket fence. One day I woke up and realized I'm not the white picket fence type and fairy tales are best left in books. This is real life and it is what you make of it.
Sunday, February 29, 2004
Serving through the pain
Today my lower back hurts. The muscles are beginning to point out to me that they've gone unused too long and they're warning me that I can't leave them like this any longer.
I'm listening to them, I'm heeding their warning. This week we begin walking on the treadmill after Himself gets home from work. Next week, Pilates for Dummies will be added for me. That, more than anything will help my sore back. It will strengthen it.
This afternoon Master required sexual service, after much stretching and a good back rub. I was able to do as he wanted. He was gentle with me and was careful to be sure my back wasn't hurting. Too bad it stiffened up during the process, I had to hobble to the bathroom afterwards. The concern in his voice as he asked if I was okay was touching. I'm fine... sitting on heat for now and pumped full of ibuprofen to help reduce the muscle swelling. Next will be ice and perhaps a soak in a hot tub. I'm taking it easy today.
Last night, as I watched Ladyhawke Master talked about how excited he is about collaring me, the love he feels for me and the pride he takes in owning me surrounded me as he talked about the collar and our upcoming collaring ceremony.
Contentment? Someone on the LE group stated that contentment is dependent on many factors, not just on being owned or owning someone. Five or six years ago I wouldn't have been content with being owned. I wasn't ready then. I had a lot of baggage that kept me from knowing what contentment even was. But, I do think I was able to find contentment in being owned because becoming owned is a journey in and of itself. It has been a growth process which is by no means finished. During the growth process I've been able to put down a lot of the baggage that hindered me in the past.
Master asked if I was proud to be owned by him and my answer is yes. He has grown quite a bit himself. He is a man I can be proud to belong to. He is a man of integrity and honor. He's darn sexy too. *grins* I can be across the room from him and I feel his presence as if he were standing next to me. We've forged a very strong bond between us and he's right when he says the physical collar is just an outward symbol of what is already in my heart.
I'm listening to them, I'm heeding their warning. This week we begin walking on the treadmill after Himself gets home from work. Next week, Pilates for Dummies will be added for me. That, more than anything will help my sore back. It will strengthen it.
This afternoon Master required sexual service, after much stretching and a good back rub. I was able to do as he wanted. He was gentle with me and was careful to be sure my back wasn't hurting. Too bad it stiffened up during the process, I had to hobble to the bathroom afterwards. The concern in his voice as he asked if I was okay was touching. I'm fine... sitting on heat for now and pumped full of ibuprofen to help reduce the muscle swelling. Next will be ice and perhaps a soak in a hot tub. I'm taking it easy today.
Last night, as I watched Ladyhawke Master talked about how excited he is about collaring me, the love he feels for me and the pride he takes in owning me surrounded me as he talked about the collar and our upcoming collaring ceremony.
Contentment? Someone on the LE group stated that contentment is dependent on many factors, not just on being owned or owning someone. Five or six years ago I wouldn't have been content with being owned. I wasn't ready then. I had a lot of baggage that kept me from knowing what contentment even was. But, I do think I was able to find contentment in being owned because becoming owned is a journey in and of itself. It has been a growth process which is by no means finished. During the growth process I've been able to put down a lot of the baggage that hindered me in the past.
Master asked if I was proud to be owned by him and my answer is yes. He has grown quite a bit himself. He is a man I can be proud to belong to. He is a man of integrity and honor. He's darn sexy too. *grins* I can be across the room from him and I feel his presence as if he were standing next to me. We've forged a very strong bond between us and he's right when he says the physical collar is just an outward symbol of what is already in my heart.
Thursday, February 26, 2004
Health
Tuesday was a day and then some. Master and I both went to the doctor. He because he was ill and I because I'd been having some pains in my legs.
My visit went well, doc suggested diet and exercise and I agreed. His visit didn't go so well, his doc yelled at him for not taking care of his high blood pressure.
He seems to be taking the doc seriously this time and I'm relieved. For years he wouldn't take it seriously and wouldn't stay on the medications they'd prescribed. No amount of talking from me would convince him to take care of it. It took the doctor telling him point blank that he was going to have a stroke. Hearing that scared me too. I can't picture life without him and I don't want to.
His doc also suggested diet and exercise for him. So, the plan is to exercise together after he gets off work every day. The diet part has been a little more difficult as we both love food. But, as a Dom friend of ours pointed out, "Look where loving food has gotten you both.". He's right, loving food has gotten me to a size I can't stand and isn't helping Master's high blood pressure.
So now I have to try to look at food in a new light... eat to live don't live to eat. Eat to live don't live to eat. It is a good mantra to help me stay focused.
Making life changes like this, while not a big deal to some people, is scary to me. I know I'll feel better once I get past the first week or so of exercising. I remember actually feeling good about my body last year when I was exercising somewhat regularly.
So here we go, embarking on a new way of life for our health, for our life together.
My visit went well, doc suggested diet and exercise and I agreed. His visit didn't go so well, his doc yelled at him for not taking care of his high blood pressure.
He seems to be taking the doc seriously this time and I'm relieved. For years he wouldn't take it seriously and wouldn't stay on the medications they'd prescribed. No amount of talking from me would convince him to take care of it. It took the doctor telling him point blank that he was going to have a stroke. Hearing that scared me too. I can't picture life without him and I don't want to.
His doc also suggested diet and exercise for him. So, the plan is to exercise together after he gets off work every day. The diet part has been a little more difficult as we both love food. But, as a Dom friend of ours pointed out, "Look where loving food has gotten you both.". He's right, loving food has gotten me to a size I can't stand and isn't helping Master's high blood pressure.
So now I have to try to look at food in a new light... eat to live don't live to eat. Eat to live don't live to eat. It is a good mantra to help me stay focused.
Making life changes like this, while not a big deal to some people, is scary to me. I know I'll feel better once I get past the first week or so of exercising. I remember actually feeling good about my body last year when I was exercising somewhat regularly.
So here we go, embarking on a new way of life for our health, for our life together.
Monday, February 23, 2004
Fat
I feel fat today. Or rather I'm supremely aware of my size today. The zipper seam on my favorite jeans began to tear today and my body hurts.
I feel hopeless about making any changes. I've tried to diet on my own and failed so many times that it almost seems pointless to try. But, I'm going to the doctor tomorrow to see what she can do to help. I'm tired of hurting and I'm tired of buying new clothes because mine give out from trying to fit around this body.
Most of all, I'm tired of feeling left behind when my friends all lose weight and get healthy. I feel conspicuously fat in their presence.
I realize I've done this to myself... no one forced me to put the food into my mouth. I want to undo it.
I've asked for Master's help in the past but it hasn't worked. I've failed to stick to it and he cuts me slack because he loves food as much as I do.
I want to join Weight Watchers but I have to be honest with myself, it would probably end up being a waste of money because I'd probably have a hard time sticking with that plan too.
I want to say it's pure laziness that keeps me fat. A lack of willpower.
I just don't know how to fix it.
I feel hopeless about making any changes. I've tried to diet on my own and failed so many times that it almost seems pointless to try. But, I'm going to the doctor tomorrow to see what she can do to help. I'm tired of hurting and I'm tired of buying new clothes because mine give out from trying to fit around this body.
Most of all, I'm tired of feeling left behind when my friends all lose weight and get healthy. I feel conspicuously fat in their presence.
I realize I've done this to myself... no one forced me to put the food into my mouth. I want to undo it.
I've asked for Master's help in the past but it hasn't worked. I've failed to stick to it and he cuts me slack because he loves food as much as I do.
I want to join Weight Watchers but I have to be honest with myself, it would probably end up being a waste of money because I'd probably have a hard time sticking with that plan too.
I want to say it's pure laziness that keeps me fat. A lack of willpower.
I just don't know how to fix it.
Saturday, February 21, 2004
Laughter and pain
All I can say is OUCH! Master was teasing and tormenting me a bit last night with his belt. He would snap it at me stopping just inches from making contact with my backside.
He did that a few times and then asked me "You can just feel the wind can't you?" I responded with "No, not really since I'm wearing clothes." Wrong answer. In the next instant the belt made contact with the back of my thigh. Ooooh it burned. He rubbed cream into it afterwards to soothe the burn.
After that we went to see The Haunted Mansion with the kids. It was a mixture of fun and torment because I could feel the spot where the belt had struck my flesh as I sat there watching the movie. I love moments like that, a mixture of vanilla and kink with no one else the wiser.
Tonight we get to go to the dinner and discussion and I get to learn to polish his boots. Yay!
He did that a few times and then asked me "You can just feel the wind can't you?" I responded with "No, not really since I'm wearing clothes." Wrong answer. In the next instant the belt made contact with the back of my thigh. Ooooh it burned. He rubbed cream into it afterwards to soothe the burn.
After that we went to see The Haunted Mansion with the kids. It was a mixture of fun and torment because I could feel the spot where the belt had struck my flesh as I sat there watching the movie. I love moments like that, a mixture of vanilla and kink with no one else the wiser.
Tonight we get to go to the dinner and discussion and I get to learn to polish his boots. Yay!
Friday, February 20, 2004
Busybusybusy
I feel like I've been running around like a chicken with her head cut off today.
I had to get up early this morning to take Master to work so that I could have the car for the day. Her royal hineyness, Miss Cait, has a cold and earaches so she needed to see the doc to be sure all was right. It is.
I was supposed to get an oil change done today but they were really busy and I didn't have enough time to wait. I feel like I failed in my tasks because I didn't get that done. Even though I did get a number of other important things done.
I hold myself to too high a standard sometimes. It is difficult not to.
I get to cook a nice dinner for Master tonight, I'm looking forward to doing that for him. I'm also looking forward to going to a bdsm dinner and discussion tomorrow night. The topic is boot blacking and since Master has a new pair of leather boots, I want to learn to polish them correctly. Isn't it odd how we focus on objects sometimes?
Honestly though, it isn't the boots so much as the person wearing them. I don't know how else to explain my boot thing.
I mean do love the scent, the look, and the feel of leather. It is at once comforting and arousing to me. But, by themselves they're just boots. On Master's feet they're a symbol of his authority, his power over me. My caring for them is an outward sign of my enslavement to him. If I do a good job he, and others, can see that I take pride in being his slave. It is important to me that he sees that.
Life is good.
I had to get up early this morning to take Master to work so that I could have the car for the day. Her royal hineyness, Miss Cait, has a cold and earaches so she needed to see the doc to be sure all was right. It is.
I was supposed to get an oil change done today but they were really busy and I didn't have enough time to wait. I feel like I failed in my tasks because I didn't get that done. Even though I did get a number of other important things done.
I hold myself to too high a standard sometimes. It is difficult not to.
I get to cook a nice dinner for Master tonight, I'm looking forward to doing that for him. I'm also looking forward to going to a bdsm dinner and discussion tomorrow night. The topic is boot blacking and since Master has a new pair of leather boots, I want to learn to polish them correctly. Isn't it odd how we focus on objects sometimes?
Honestly though, it isn't the boots so much as the person wearing them. I don't know how else to explain my boot thing.
I mean do love the scent, the look, and the feel of leather. It is at once comforting and arousing to me. But, by themselves they're just boots. On Master's feet they're a symbol of his authority, his power over me. My caring for them is an outward sign of my enslavement to him. If I do a good job he, and others, can see that I take pride in being his slave. It is important to me that he sees that.
Life is good.
Thursday, February 19, 2004
Ch-ch-ch-changes
Sunday morning we broke down some of my barriers and they seem to be staying broken down. I like that.
I feel much more at ease and at peace with myself and with Master. I've been calling him Sir more often which is something I was uncomfortable doing before.
It was like I had a blockage in regards to using honorifics. Perhaps it was my mindset, I was still living and acting as wife more than as slave.
I feel like I've finally internalized my slavery, it has become my truth.
It seems like things have changed, we are more intensely Master and slave. I think my change in perspective and broken barriers has allowed us both to move forward.
My resistance was a barrier all of its own and in my opinion, kept him from Mastering me in the way he wanted.
We had a little bump in the road yesterday when he opened a package that had come for us. It was the collar and it was the wrong size. I was extremely disappointed, we'd begun planning the collaring ceremony and were working on the date and location as we're sharing it with my Lady and a few close friends. He saw the storm beginning to brew inside me, my emotions always take over in situations like this. He told me that it wasn't for me to be upset about.
What? I don't get to be upset? No, I can be disappointed but I can't overreact and blow a gasket over a simple mistake. I didn't, I didn't rant and rave or cry, I didn't complain or ruin the rest of the night with a bad mood. I let go and began exercising my patience.
These changes are good and I like them. Will I always be able to let go like I did yesterday? Probably not, but I hope that I will be able to let go more often than not.
With time and practice I hope to always call Master Sir, he likes the respect it conveys and I like showing him that respect, he's earned it a thousand times over.
I feel much more at ease and at peace with myself and with Master. I've been calling him Sir more often which is something I was uncomfortable doing before.
It was like I had a blockage in regards to using honorifics. Perhaps it was my mindset, I was still living and acting as wife more than as slave.
I feel like I've finally internalized my slavery, it has become my truth.
It seems like things have changed, we are more intensely Master and slave. I think my change in perspective and broken barriers has allowed us both to move forward.
My resistance was a barrier all of its own and in my opinion, kept him from Mastering me in the way he wanted.
We had a little bump in the road yesterday when he opened a package that had come for us. It was the collar and it was the wrong size. I was extremely disappointed, we'd begun planning the collaring ceremony and were working on the date and location as we're sharing it with my Lady and a few close friends. He saw the storm beginning to brew inside me, my emotions always take over in situations like this. He told me that it wasn't for me to be upset about.
What? I don't get to be upset? No, I can be disappointed but I can't overreact and blow a gasket over a simple mistake. I didn't, I didn't rant and rave or cry, I didn't complain or ruin the rest of the night with a bad mood. I let go and began exercising my patience.
These changes are good and I like them. Will I always be able to let go like I did yesterday? Probably not, but I hope that I will be able to let go more often than not.
With time and practice I hope to always call Master Sir, he likes the respect it conveys and I like showing him that respect, he's earned it a thousand times over.
Monday, February 16, 2004
Processing
We're baaaaaack! We got back late last night and were very glad to be back. The trips to and from Chicago were very pleasantly uneventful.
Through the ride there I was filled with nervous energy and much anticipation. Once we got there we checked in, got fooded and then registered. We browsed the vendor areas and found our friends who'd come to VV also. After much chit chat we went back to our room and lounged and ordered pizza. Let me just say, I've never had a better tasting pizza, YUM!
After pizza we got ready and went up to the dungeon. I'm still all aflutter over everything we saw. I saw a lovely Goddess beating her sweet submissive, the energy they shared was spectacular. I watched a Domme friend of ours work over two of our submissive friends. During that time I also got to see a fantastic interrogation scene with two Dominants working over one bottom. They wore fantastic fetish uniforms that looked sort of German officer like, and the male Dominant even used a German accent. It was amazing to watch and gave me many delicious ideas.
Master tormented me with our newly acquired Wartenburg wheel that night, leaving me limp and wrung out afterwards.
Saturday was spent shopping and taking in one workshop. It was a workshop on Old European decorum and etiquette and how that translates into the Lifestyle. It was presented by a very accomplished male slave who gave a fantastic presentation. I'm still processing some of what was said. We've lost a lot of the manners and decorum since the Victorian era.
Saturday night was the formal dinner and I was excited, I got to dress up! My Lady helped me to do up my hair which turned out gorgeous. I looked a bit like a Greek Goddess, it was great. Once I had my floor length dress and jewelry on, Master couldn't take his eyes off of me. He touched me in some way or another through the entire evening. After we were seated in the dining hall he leaned over and told me how beautiful I was. I nearly broke out into tears with the happiness I felt. He looked quite dashing himself wearing his button up long sleeved shirt, dress pants, tie and leather vest.
After dinner it was agreed that my Lady and I would Top Master in the dungeon. Master is a masochist and enjoys a good pain scene every so often. The scene went well but Master felt combative so we weren't able to take him as far as I wanted to go. I have a rather large sadistic streak that needs to be let out now and again. That night I only got a little teaser so was left with pent up energy. I became sullen and withdrawn. It was late too so I was tired as well. I tried to present a good attitude but didn't accomplish that very well.
Master let me go to sleep but the issue wouldn't be let go.
In the morning as Master and I laid in bed together waking up, he began stroking my neck and face. Then he covered my nose and my mouth, suffocating me. He chose for us to stay in the room Sunday morning instead of going to any workshops. He took me down hard, there was much breath play and some catharsis for me. At the end of it all I humbly kissed his feet, something I have wanted to do for some time but never felt able to. It was a moment of clarity for me, I finally felt my enslavement. I may have freedoms that others don't have, I may be allowed to Top others on occasion, I may be allowed to Top Master on occasion, but always, he has the final word. He is my alpha and Omega. He is my reason for being. I live to serve him. I live to please him. I live to love him. Yes there is much else in my life but he is the center of it all.
After the erotic take downs workshop I realized that Master and I began our relationship kinky. We started out doing take downs, we'd wrestle all the time. As we became intimate those take down sessions would end in primal sex.
We stopped playing that way some time ago for no specific reason but we've talked about doing it again. Possibly using it as a precursor to a flogging or caning.
After watching a take down scene Saturday evening, I realized how much I missed doing that. It was fun, playful, feral, violent, and sweaty.
Our weekend was awesome and much needed. It cleared up some confusion for me, brought Master and I closer together, and was so much fun.
On the way home, while discussing our perceptions of the weekend. Take downs came up, my Lady suggested that perhaps Master and I could do a take downs presentation for our BDSM group. Master was open to the idea, I suggested that he and I would need to practice since we haven't done it in some time. I have to admit, I'm excited at the prospect of sharing something I enjoy with others. I like to teach and share, it seems natural to do this. Perhaps, if Master wants to, we'll do so.
Through the ride there I was filled with nervous energy and much anticipation. Once we got there we checked in, got fooded and then registered. We browsed the vendor areas and found our friends who'd come to VV also. After much chit chat we went back to our room and lounged and ordered pizza. Let me just say, I've never had a better tasting pizza, YUM!
After pizza we got ready and went up to the dungeon. I'm still all aflutter over everything we saw. I saw a lovely Goddess beating her sweet submissive, the energy they shared was spectacular. I watched a Domme friend of ours work over two of our submissive friends. During that time I also got to see a fantastic interrogation scene with two Dominants working over one bottom. They wore fantastic fetish uniforms that looked sort of German officer like, and the male Dominant even used a German accent. It was amazing to watch and gave me many delicious ideas.
Master tormented me with our newly acquired Wartenburg wheel that night, leaving me limp and wrung out afterwards.
Saturday was spent shopping and taking in one workshop. It was a workshop on Old European decorum and etiquette and how that translates into the Lifestyle. It was presented by a very accomplished male slave who gave a fantastic presentation. I'm still processing some of what was said. We've lost a lot of the manners and decorum since the Victorian era.
Saturday night was the formal dinner and I was excited, I got to dress up! My Lady helped me to do up my hair which turned out gorgeous. I looked a bit like a Greek Goddess, it was great. Once I had my floor length dress and jewelry on, Master couldn't take his eyes off of me. He touched me in some way or another through the entire evening. After we were seated in the dining hall he leaned over and told me how beautiful I was. I nearly broke out into tears with the happiness I felt. He looked quite dashing himself wearing his button up long sleeved shirt, dress pants, tie and leather vest.
After dinner it was agreed that my Lady and I would Top Master in the dungeon. Master is a masochist and enjoys a good pain scene every so often. The scene went well but Master felt combative so we weren't able to take him as far as I wanted to go. I have a rather large sadistic streak that needs to be let out now and again. That night I only got a little teaser so was left with pent up energy. I became sullen and withdrawn. It was late too so I was tired as well. I tried to present a good attitude but didn't accomplish that very well.
Master let me go to sleep but the issue wouldn't be let go.
In the morning as Master and I laid in bed together waking up, he began stroking my neck and face. Then he covered my nose and my mouth, suffocating me. He chose for us to stay in the room Sunday morning instead of going to any workshops. He took me down hard, there was much breath play and some catharsis for me. At the end of it all I humbly kissed his feet, something I have wanted to do for some time but never felt able to. It was a moment of clarity for me, I finally felt my enslavement. I may have freedoms that others don't have, I may be allowed to Top others on occasion, I may be allowed to Top Master on occasion, but always, he has the final word. He is my alpha and Omega. He is my reason for being. I live to serve him. I live to please him. I live to love him. Yes there is much else in my life but he is the center of it all.
After the erotic take downs workshop I realized that Master and I began our relationship kinky. We started out doing take downs, we'd wrestle all the time. As we became intimate those take down sessions would end in primal sex.
We stopped playing that way some time ago for no specific reason but we've talked about doing it again. Possibly using it as a precursor to a flogging or caning.
After watching a take down scene Saturday evening, I realized how much I missed doing that. It was fun, playful, feral, violent, and sweaty.
Our weekend was awesome and much needed. It cleared up some confusion for me, brought Master and I closer together, and was so much fun.
On the way home, while discussing our perceptions of the weekend. Take downs came up, my Lady suggested that perhaps Master and I could do a take downs presentation for our BDSM group. Master was open to the idea, I suggested that he and I would need to practice since we haven't done it in some time. I have to admit, I'm excited at the prospect of sharing something I enjoy with others. I like to teach and share, it seems natural to do this. Perhaps, if Master wants to, we'll do so.
Thursday, February 12, 2004
Thursday!
So today is a flurry of activity. I'm taking a break to rest and do some journaling.
Last night I went shopping with my Lady and we had a great time. She spoiled me a little, she paid for a gal to paint my nails while she had hers filled. I bought us some yummy chocolates afterwards, trying to spoil her in return.
Then she bought us Julius drinks... and she bought my necklace that I'd picked out to go with my dress. She wins in the spoiling people department. *grins*
She's really a great Lady, she's also a very good friend and I love her to pieces.
After I got home from our shopping spree, I had a nice quiet night with Master. Til my period started. I was angry with it for starting right before our trip, I know that's silly, but there I was angry and upset and near to tears. It interferes with certain activities, makes them a little more complicated and messy. It means I have to wear my ugly underwear instead of the sexy new thong I bought. Master sat me down and had a bit of a talk with me about it, reminding me that it's not something I can control so why get upset about it. He also assured me that we'll work around it. I felt better afterwards, He can always comfort me.
After I'd settled down we went upstairs to cuddle and watch Family Guy, one of our favorite cartoons. It was a good way to end the night.
Today I feel good. I feel accomplished. When I stop long enough to think, the excitement fills me up.
Well, time to get back to work! *smiles*
Last night I went shopping with my Lady and we had a great time. She spoiled me a little, she paid for a gal to paint my nails while she had hers filled. I bought us some yummy chocolates afterwards, trying to spoil her in return.
Then she bought us Julius drinks... and she bought my necklace that I'd picked out to go with my dress. She wins in the spoiling people department. *grins*
She's really a great Lady, she's also a very good friend and I love her to pieces.
After I got home from our shopping spree, I had a nice quiet night with Master. Til my period started. I was angry with it for starting right before our trip, I know that's silly, but there I was angry and upset and near to tears. It interferes with certain activities, makes them a little more complicated and messy. It means I have to wear my ugly underwear instead of the sexy new thong I bought. Master sat me down and had a bit of a talk with me about it, reminding me that it's not something I can control so why get upset about it. He also assured me that we'll work around it. I felt better afterwards, He can always comfort me.
After I'd settled down we went upstairs to cuddle and watch Family Guy, one of our favorite cartoons. It was a good way to end the night.
Today I feel good. I feel accomplished. When I stop long enough to think, the excitement fills me up.
Well, time to get back to work! *smiles*
Tuesday, February 10, 2004
T-minus and counting
We leave for Chicago this Friday! I'm excited beyond words. Master bought me a beautiful dress for the formal dinner and even bought himself a tie! Master never wears a tie.
I'm looking forward to all the things we're going to see and do in Chicago.
Master has ordered a collar for me. Every now and then when I think too hard about it I get a little scared.
I get scared of the thought of something locked permanently around my neck. I'm not scared of the commitment it signifies or the ownership either. Just scared of something permanent around my neck for no good reason.
He owns me and he wants the world to see it. For the first time in my life I'm beginning to understand that I am a person of worth. He wants to own me because I am worth owning. I am valuable to him because of who I am, warts and all. And best of all, he loves me.
I'm looking forward to all the things we're going to see and do in Chicago.
Master has ordered a collar for me. Every now and then when I think too hard about it I get a little scared.
I get scared of the thought of something locked permanently around my neck. I'm not scared of the commitment it signifies or the ownership either. Just scared of something permanent around my neck for no good reason.
He owns me and he wants the world to see it. For the first time in my life I'm beginning to understand that I am a person of worth. He wants to own me because I am worth owning. I am valuable to him because of who I am, warts and all. And best of all, he loves me.
Tuesday, February 03, 2004
Vanity or self-esteem
Master got me a set of fake nails for my birthday last year and let me keep them up until just a few weeks ago. I had to have them removed due to money issues, we just couldn't justify such a frivolous expense right now.
I understand and I am happy to help cut corners where I can.
But I hate my hands. My nails have been cut down to the quick to get rid of all the acrylic still left on them. My hands look like little boy hands now. My fingers are short and stubby. I've never been able to grow my nails very well on my own. I chew them or they break because they're weak so before the nails my hands looked like they do now.
I felt so elegant and ultimately feminine when I had the nails like I never did before I had them. I actually liked my hands with the nails. Master liked the nails too. He likes making me as girly as possible.
It isn't that I can't be girly now but it's like part of the package is missing. I don't feel as feminine when I see my hands reaching for a glass or something else.
For most of my life I refused to dress or act girly. I didn't feel safe being a girl. About 5 years ago Someone gave me inspiration and a safe place to be a girl. But for a long time it didn't feel right, it felt like I was putting on an act. Over time it began to feel more normal, more natural.. when I got the nails it was like everything clicked into place for me.
I know, I'm nattering on about fingernails when there are worse things in the world that could happen. Still, I miss them. I miss the way my hands looked with them. I miss the naughty things I could do to Master with them.
I understand and I am happy to help cut corners where I can.
But I hate my hands. My nails have been cut down to the quick to get rid of all the acrylic still left on them. My hands look like little boy hands now. My fingers are short and stubby. I've never been able to grow my nails very well on my own. I chew them or they break because they're weak so before the nails my hands looked like they do now.
I felt so elegant and ultimately feminine when I had the nails like I never did before I had them. I actually liked my hands with the nails. Master liked the nails too. He likes making me as girly as possible.
It isn't that I can't be girly now but it's like part of the package is missing. I don't feel as feminine when I see my hands reaching for a glass or something else.
For most of my life I refused to dress or act girly. I didn't feel safe being a girl. About 5 years ago Someone gave me inspiration and a safe place to be a girl. But for a long time it didn't feel right, it felt like I was putting on an act. Over time it began to feel more normal, more natural.. when I got the nails it was like everything clicked into place for me.
I know, I'm nattering on about fingernails when there are worse things in the world that could happen. Still, I miss them. I miss the way my hands looked with them. I miss the naughty things I could do to Master with them.
Monday, February 02, 2004
Let it snow
...somewhere else. I mean really, we've had enough snow. I've had enough snow. Master had a little accident Friday because of the snow. He's okay, his car hit a patch of ice, spun out and ended up landing up over an embankment or something like that. The car is not okay, it cracked a back wheel and he thinks there's something wrong with the rear axel, he barely got it home.
So now we're down to one car which means Master will be using it during the week and I'll be stranded during the day. It sucks but it could be worse. I'm just thankful he's okay and that it wasn't more serious.
If it snows as much as they say it is going to we'll be snowed in tomorrow. The kid's schools will cancel and Master might not be able to get to work. This wouldn't be bad if there was some way to get the kids out of here. A day with Master all to myself would be very nice.
So now we're down to one car which means Master will be using it during the week and I'll be stranded during the day. It sucks but it could be worse. I'm just thankful he's okay and that it wasn't more serious.
If it snows as much as they say it is going to we'll be snowed in tomorrow. The kid's schools will cancel and Master might not be able to get to work. This wouldn't be bad if there was some way to get the kids out of here. A day with Master all to myself would be very nice.
Friday, January 30, 2004
Conflicted no more
Conflict, war, battle, all of these words describe what has been going on inside of me. I am a slave, I know this... but I have a sadistic and dominant side to me that needs to feed every so often. Over the past several months I've been nurturing and claiming this other side of me with the help of my Lady whom my Master shares me with.
She's been supportive and a great resource to me.
Today I had a most excellent play session with a submissive female and after getting past the doubts and fears I found a center of self-confidence that up til now I hadn't known I possessed. I was in charge and I felt competent in my ability to bring her and myself through the scene, which I did and was rewarded with lots of contented smiles.
Master reinforced his ownership of me with a reminder that it extends into all areas and aspects of my life. I was given a task to complete today with the submissive. Tonight as I sit here musing over today's events, I feel more the slave than ever. I know it doesn't make much sense and I'm not sure I can even explain it to myself. It just is.
I'm just happy to feel whole. I know some would say having this switch nature makes me not a slave... and maybe I'm not by their definition. But by my and Master's definition, I am and that's enough for me.
Now I look forward to going to Chicago over Valentine's Day weekend. Master and I are going to My Vicious Valentine with my Lady and her submissives. This will be Master's and my first time at an event like this and we're both very much looking forward to it. I'm a little nervous about fitting in there but over all I think it will be a fun and educational experience.
She's been supportive and a great resource to me.
Today I had a most excellent play session with a submissive female and after getting past the doubts and fears I found a center of self-confidence that up til now I hadn't known I possessed. I was in charge and I felt competent in my ability to bring her and myself through the scene, which I did and was rewarded with lots of contented smiles.
Master reinforced his ownership of me with a reminder that it extends into all areas and aspects of my life. I was given a task to complete today with the submissive. Tonight as I sit here musing over today's events, I feel more the slave than ever. I know it doesn't make much sense and I'm not sure I can even explain it to myself. It just is.
I'm just happy to feel whole. I know some would say having this switch nature makes me not a slave... and maybe I'm not by their definition. But by my and Master's definition, I am and that's enough for me.
Now I look forward to going to Chicago over Valentine's Day weekend. Master and I are going to My Vicious Valentine with my Lady and her submissives. This will be Master's and my first time at an event like this and we're both very much looking forward to it. I'm a little nervous about fitting in there but over all I think it will be a fun and educational experience.
Tuesday, January 27, 2004
Catching UP
Computer viruses and reformats, oh my. Sometimes technology is more of a pain in the butt than it's worth.
I think I can say with a small degree of certainty that I'm back.
Our son turned 16 today, despite some trouble and rocky roads, he's turning into a very nice young man. Seeing that makes all the heartache and worry seem worth it somehow.
Master and I got some good play time in over the weekend with each other and with a few close friends, which was wonderfully satisfying after weeks of deprivation. We were both starved for each other's touch. It is easy to forget that he needs me too when I get wrapped up in thoughts of how much I miss him. I'm going to try to remember this in the future when I'm feeling lonely and sorry for myself.
Relationships, while seeming to be secure and strong, can be so very fragile. Even more so when communication breaks down. I need to learn to open up more instead of being a brick wall for Master.
I'd forgotten how much I enjoy writing. I remembered last night when I got out the disk with the beginnings of a story I'd begun writing a while back. It didn't take long for me to look it over and see the parts that needed re-written or just a little extra oomf. It felt good to sit here and work on my story. But then, when I tried to go to sleep, I remembered that I shouldn't write at night. I write and re-write in my head when I should be drifting off to sleep.
I think I can say with a small degree of certainty that I'm back.
Our son turned 16 today, despite some trouble and rocky roads, he's turning into a very nice young man. Seeing that makes all the heartache and worry seem worth it somehow.
Master and I got some good play time in over the weekend with each other and with a few close friends, which was wonderfully satisfying after weeks of deprivation. We were both starved for each other's touch. It is easy to forget that he needs me too when I get wrapped up in thoughts of how much I miss him. I'm going to try to remember this in the future when I'm feeling lonely and sorry for myself.
Relationships, while seeming to be secure and strong, can be so very fragile. Even more so when communication breaks down. I need to learn to open up more instead of being a brick wall for Master.
I'd forgotten how much I enjoy writing. I remembered last night when I got out the disk with the beginnings of a story I'd begun writing a while back. It didn't take long for me to look it over and see the parts that needed re-written or just a little extra oomf. It felt good to sit here and work on my story. But then, when I tried to go to sleep, I remembered that I shouldn't write at night. I write and re-write in my head when I should be drifting off to sleep.
Sunday, January 18, 2004
Sometimes Blue (poetry)
Sometimes Blue
Had to work, had to fight
to be Mommy's delight
Never was good enough
no matter what I did.
my best wouldn't do.
Always awkward sometimes
blue, never was good enough
for you.
Did cartwheels and handstands
took your worst abuse to make
you happy, to hear "I love you."
Always awkward sometimes blue
never was good enough for you.
Always wanted to be Mommy's girl,
cherished by you. But I wasn't good
enough for you.
Always awkward sometimes blue,
never was loved by you.
-------------------------------------------------
I wrote this a few years ago and even today thinking about the feelings that inspired it can get me all choked up.
It's amazing to me that a good many of my hang ups and emotional handicaps stem were created by her. Now, how to get out from under that shadow.
Had to work, had to fight
to be Mommy's delight
Never was good enough
no matter what I did.
my best wouldn't do.
Always awkward sometimes
blue, never was good enough
for you.
Did cartwheels and handstands
took your worst abuse to make
you happy, to hear "I love you."
Always awkward sometimes blue
never was good enough for you.
Always wanted to be Mommy's girl,
cherished by you. But I wasn't good
enough for you.
Always awkward sometimes blue,
never was loved by you.
-------------------------------------------------
I wrote this a few years ago and even today thinking about the feelings that inspired it can get me all choked up.
It's amazing to me that a good many of my hang ups and emotional handicaps stem were created by her. Now, how to get out from under that shadow.
Saturday, January 17, 2004
Grouchy
I'm ill, in the middle of a nasty cold really. So I'm tired and I'm irritable. Still it's not excuse to snap and yell at Master the way I did tonight.
I know better than to let go like that. I finally took myself to our bedroom for some quiet time. I needed a time out.
He came upstairs about 15 minutes later and ordered me downstairs to talk. He lectured me about my behavior and apologized for being cranky himself. We spent the rest of the night snuggled on the couch watching a movie with the kids.
I think we're both frustrated with his having worked 15 days in a row with no time off. He's been so exhausted that he hasn't wanted to do more than lounge around the house til bedtime. He'll finally have a day off this Sunday and I'm excited. I want to pamper him a little and help him relax.
I miss him even though I see him every night. I miss him touching me, sneaking up behind me to nuzzle my neck while I sit at the computer. I miss staying up late waiting for the kids to go to sleep so we can have a little play time.
I know better than to let go like that. I finally took myself to our bedroom for some quiet time. I needed a time out.
He came upstairs about 15 minutes later and ordered me downstairs to talk. He lectured me about my behavior and apologized for being cranky himself. We spent the rest of the night snuggled on the couch watching a movie with the kids.
I think we're both frustrated with his having worked 15 days in a row with no time off. He's been so exhausted that he hasn't wanted to do more than lounge around the house til bedtime. He'll finally have a day off this Sunday and I'm excited. I want to pamper him a little and help him relax.
I miss him even though I see him every night. I miss him touching me, sneaking up behind me to nuzzle my neck while I sit at the computer. I miss staying up late waiting for the kids to go to sleep so we can have a little play time.
Tuesday, January 13, 2004
Roller Coaster
The last few days have been a roller coaster of moods and emotion. PMS really makes life difficult sometimes.
I got on a self-pity roll Sunday night and sent Master an e-mail about it. The resultant lecture left me feeling chastened but loved. Most of the time I can see the positives in my life, and I actually like me. There are just sometimes that the old tapes start playing and I start feeling worthless for no good reason.
Master asked me if I knew why I have these feelings of being worthless. He knew why even before he asked. I couldn't say it, though I knew too. Thinking about it makes an ocean of bitter tears well up inside, to admit it out loud would release a flood that would drown me.
I sometimes think that somewhere inside I'll always be a little girl crying out for her mother's love.
Then sometimes I think that it's a waste of energy. My childhood was no childhood at all, my mother didn't want me, big deal. My life now is good. I'm no longer one of the walking wounded, I'm living life, not just surviving it. That's quite an accomplishment for one who was on the road to a life of victimhood at one time.
Life is what you make it after all and I've still got a lot of life left to make and a soul mate to make it with. That makes me a very fortunate girl indeed.
I got on a self-pity roll Sunday night and sent Master an e-mail about it. The resultant lecture left me feeling chastened but loved. Most of the time I can see the positives in my life, and I actually like me. There are just sometimes that the old tapes start playing and I start feeling worthless for no good reason.
Master asked me if I knew why I have these feelings of being worthless. He knew why even before he asked. I couldn't say it, though I knew too. Thinking about it makes an ocean of bitter tears well up inside, to admit it out loud would release a flood that would drown me.
I sometimes think that somewhere inside I'll always be a little girl crying out for her mother's love.
Then sometimes I think that it's a waste of energy. My childhood was no childhood at all, my mother didn't want me, big deal. My life now is good. I'm no longer one of the walking wounded, I'm living life, not just surviving it. That's quite an accomplishment for one who was on the road to a life of victimhood at one time.
Life is what you make it after all and I've still got a lot of life left to make and a soul mate to make it with. That makes me a very fortunate girl indeed.
Thursday, January 08, 2004
Ho hum
This week has been, well, blah. My days and nights are mixed up. I can't sleep at night but I sleep deeply during the day. Master wants me to get back into a regular sleep routine but it's very hard lying there tossing and turning in bed, my mind stuck in the "on" position.
I have so many projects I want to do but can't seem to get motivated to do them. Maybe it's the season, maybe it's just me.
I have so many projects I want to do but can't seem to get motivated to do them. Maybe it's the season, maybe it's just me.
Wednesday, January 07, 2004
Surrender and yielding
They can mean much the same thing. Only, yielding means recognizing something bigger and more powerful than you and giving way before it. Like the tree that bends in the wind.
I am laid open before my Master, there is nothing that I hide from him, nothing that doesn't belong to him, yet there is my very strong will that does not surrender, it yields. It belongs to him as surely as the rest of my being, yet it doesn't surrender. It doesn't give up.
I don't know why I'm contemplating these things other than I've read much about being surrendered to one's Master and as always, I began analyzing myself. I do that a lot.
I am laid open before my Master, there is nothing that I hide from him, nothing that doesn't belong to him, yet there is my very strong will that does not surrender, it yields. It belongs to him as surely as the rest of my being, yet it doesn't surrender. It doesn't give up.
I don't know why I'm contemplating these things other than I've read much about being surrendered to one's Master and as always, I began analyzing myself. I do that a lot.
Tuesday, January 06, 2004
On being scary
Recently I had a Dom friend tell me that playing with me scared him. His inner sadist comes fully to the fore when playing with me and it's a lot stronger than he realized.
How is one supposed to take a comment like that? "Playing with you scares me."
I can't help but be who I am and apparently that speaks to something in most of the Dominants I've played with. Whatever it is, be it my enjoyment of the pain, my willingness to endure, or whatever... it is slightly fascinating and unsettling at the same time to have a Dominant be afraid of what he might do while playing with you.
How is one supposed to take a comment like that? "Playing with you scares me."
I can't help but be who I am and apparently that speaks to something in most of the Dominants I've played with. Whatever it is, be it my enjoyment of the pain, my willingness to endure, or whatever... it is slightly fascinating and unsettling at the same time to have a Dominant be afraid of what he might do while playing with you.
Friday, January 02, 2004
New Year
So it's been a few days since I've written here. I spent the New Year with Master and now my back looks like a couple of cats were set loose to tap dance on it with unsheathed claws. I loved every minute of it. Master loves knives as much as I do.
A Dom friend and I were talking about slavery... is slavery about the things you do for your Master or Mistress or is it about who you are? I think it's more about who you are than the things you do, though that is a part of it. The way he described it, he thinks it's more about what you do. I'm still sorting this one out. All I know for certain is that there has to be room enough in this world for all types of slaves.
I find myself anxious now to wear Master's collar. It is coming up soon, he hasn't set a date but has said that he'd like to do it before it gets warm and that he wants to get the collar possibly before our trip in February. Master has chosen an Eternity Collar for me. I think they're beautiful and I love the idea of a locking collar.
So many exciting things are happening this year and through it all I'm trying to make some fitness goals. With Master's help I've made one positive change, I'm no longer drinking regular soda at home. I want to be healthier for Master and for myself.
A Dom friend and I were talking about slavery... is slavery about the things you do for your Master or Mistress or is it about who you are? I think it's more about who you are than the things you do, though that is a part of it. The way he described it, he thinks it's more about what you do. I'm still sorting this one out. All I know for certain is that there has to be room enough in this world for all types of slaves.
I find myself anxious now to wear Master's collar. It is coming up soon, he hasn't set a date but has said that he'd like to do it before it gets warm and that he wants to get the collar possibly before our trip in February. Master has chosen an Eternity Collar for me. I think they're beautiful and I love the idea of a locking collar.
So many exciting things are happening this year and through it all I'm trying to make some fitness goals. With Master's help I've made one positive change, I'm no longer drinking regular soda at home. I want to be healthier for Master and for myself.
Tuesday, December 30, 2003
Underestimations
Well, I've learned a valuable lesson tonight. Sick Masters can still spank very, very hard.
I'm sitting here on one sore tushie. Well, half a sore tushie. I've been in a general foul mood today and Master made the observation that when I get into moods like this it's because I need some pain because my mood drastically improves afterwards.
Pain is often catharitc for me and is a release for the emotional build-up. And yes, as a masochist I need pain play to be a happy slave. I'm just too stubborn or something to ask for it when I need it. Part of that is due in large part to not wanting to be selfish. I know he can't read my mind and if I have needs I should tell him and let him decide if they should be taken care of. I just can't make myself ask him for anything very often.
So tonight, noticing my snarky mood he waits til the kids are good and asleep then takes me upstairs and orders me to undress. I'm in a very playful/sarcastic headspace and am joking a bit. He started gently enough, scratching my backside and such.. then he started spanking hard. His goal was to bring me to tears. It wasn't for my pleasure at all, it was his pleasure and my attitude adjustment. All I could do was endure it.. yelling my pain into the blankets on the bed and doing my best to stay in one place.
As he continued to spank, focusing only on one cheek and stopping to let my skin desensitize a little every so often, he built up the intensity. I wasn't always able to stay in one place and ended up on the floor at one point. I was unceremoniously picked up and put back onto the bed. A few strokes later he stopped and walked around the bed. All I could think was "What's he going to use now?!" and laid there shivering. I jumped when he began rubbing lotion into my tender behind.
Then he stripped and laid on the bed, that was my cue to pleasure him. I like doing that, I like making him feel good.
So now here I am feeling content and thinking about re-reading the first in the Beauty series.
I'm sitting here on one sore tushie. Well, half a sore tushie. I've been in a general foul mood today and Master made the observation that when I get into moods like this it's because I need some pain because my mood drastically improves afterwards.
Pain is often catharitc for me and is a release for the emotional build-up. And yes, as a masochist I need pain play to be a happy slave. I'm just too stubborn or something to ask for it when I need it. Part of that is due in large part to not wanting to be selfish. I know he can't read my mind and if I have needs I should tell him and let him decide if they should be taken care of. I just can't make myself ask him for anything very often.
So tonight, noticing my snarky mood he waits til the kids are good and asleep then takes me upstairs and orders me to undress. I'm in a very playful/sarcastic headspace and am joking a bit. He started gently enough, scratching my backside and such.. then he started spanking hard. His goal was to bring me to tears. It wasn't for my pleasure at all, it was his pleasure and my attitude adjustment. All I could do was endure it.. yelling my pain into the blankets on the bed and doing my best to stay in one place.
As he continued to spank, focusing only on one cheek and stopping to let my skin desensitize a little every so often, he built up the intensity. I wasn't always able to stay in one place and ended up on the floor at one point. I was unceremoniously picked up and put back onto the bed. A few strokes later he stopped and walked around the bed. All I could think was "What's he going to use now?!" and laid there shivering. I jumped when he began rubbing lotion into my tender behind.
Then he stripped and laid on the bed, that was my cue to pleasure him. I like doing that, I like making him feel good.
So now here I am feeling content and thinking about re-reading the first in the Beauty series.
Sunday, December 28, 2003
In sickness and...
Master is sick today, he's got influenza and possibly bronchitis. The doctor told him if he'd had a flu shot he would only feel like he had a cold right now.
I can't help but say "I told you so" because I suggested several times that he should get one. I get one every year, thanks to asthma it's a necessity and this year I'm very thankful I do. I'm betting that next year he'll go right along with me to get a flu shot for himself.
I've been working extra hard to help him feel comfortable and to take care of him. After seeing the condition he was in this morning I shifted into "mom" mode and asked him "Will you be needing a shower before you go to the doctor?" He wouldn't have gone had I not insisted. He doesn't take good care of himself, that's where I come in. I make sure he's taken care of, it's my job.
I need to recharge my batteries now else I'll be cranky when he wakes from his nap.
I can't help but say "I told you so" because I suggested several times that he should get one. I get one every year, thanks to asthma it's a necessity and this year I'm very thankful I do. I'm betting that next year he'll go right along with me to get a flu shot for himself.
I've been working extra hard to help him feel comfortable and to take care of him. After seeing the condition he was in this morning I shifted into "mom" mode and asked him "Will you be needing a shower before you go to the doctor?" He wouldn't have gone had I not insisted. He doesn't take good care of himself, that's where I come in. I make sure he's taken care of, it's my job.
I need to recharge my batteries now else I'll be cranky when he wakes from his nap.
Saturday, December 27, 2003
Control
Argh! I just typed up an entry and goofed somehow when I published it and ended up publishing a blank entry. *sigh*
Okay, I was talking about an article I read that was written by Vibs West In the article she talks about resentment over little controls like being told what noodle to put in a pasta salad not really being about the noodles but about control.
I can see this in my own life. Whenever I am bristling about things like the dishes being put away wrong or what have you, it's a control for me. I want things done my way. Why is that? What do I get out of keeping little controls like this?
I'm certainly not holding onto my independence, I'm as dependent on him as a body can be and still function on their own. I think I'm just being stubborn, holding onto the old ways because I'm afraid of what the new will be like. Fear has always been a driving force in my life. Self-protection out of fear of being hurt, control everything out of fear of the unknown.
kharita pointed out that enslavement is a journey, you nailed that one on the head. It is most definitely a journey and a process and I am thankful that Master doesn't expect perfection. He only expects that I do my best and that I learn. That, I can handle.
Okay, I was talking about an article I read that was written by Vibs West In the article she talks about resentment over little controls like being told what noodle to put in a pasta salad not really being about the noodles but about control.
I can see this in my own life. Whenever I am bristling about things like the dishes being put away wrong or what have you, it's a control for me. I want things done my way. Why is that? What do I get out of keeping little controls like this?
I'm certainly not holding onto my independence, I'm as dependent on him as a body can be and still function on their own. I think I'm just being stubborn, holding onto the old ways because I'm afraid of what the new will be like. Fear has always been a driving force in my life. Self-protection out of fear of being hurt, control everything out of fear of the unknown.
kharita pointed out that enslavement is a journey, you nailed that one on the head. It is most definitely a journey and a process and I am thankful that Master doesn't expect perfection. He only expects that I do my best and that I learn. That, I can handle.
Tuesday, December 23, 2003
So here we are
It's nearly Christmas, my first as his slave. I don't wear his physical collar yet, but that will change soon.
He's given the go ahead to begin planning our collaring ceremony. I'm so exited that it's all I can think about when I lay down to sleep at night. We haven't set a date yet for the ceremony, he wants to get the collar first, but he says it is his first priority after the first of the year.
He asked me if, after being collared by him, I will finally realize that he's not going anywhere and that he's not looking to bigger and better deal me.
That's a major failing of mine, trusting that anyone who loves me really does love me. You'd think after 17 years of being with him as his girlfriend and then wife, and now slave, that I would feel secure. I know he thinks I should be. And he's right, I should. Yet there's this tiny little part of me that cringes in expectation of being kicked.
He hasn't given me reason to feel this way, it's deep rooted from my early childhood. Something I need to let go of once and for all. I remember something I heard in a movie once... "Childhood is something you spend the rest of your life recovering from". Or something like that. In a lot of ways that's true for me.
12-25-03 Merry Christmas
It's Christmas today. The oldest kids are playing with their new Gameboys, I want one! The youngest is lying on the couch drifting in and out of fever induced sleep.
Our youngest is sick today so no family will be coming over as was originally planned. My sister has four kids that she really doesn't want exposed to this whatever it is. I don't blame her, her youngest just got over an illness.
Still, I wish they could come visit. I love my sister and her kids and I love to see them.
I had a fit of anger when Master interrupted my nap to put the turkey in the oven. My only excuse is that I was tired and I'm not feeling well myself. But, they're just that, excuses. I want to go to him and beg forgiveness.
It's nothing more than pure selfishness behind my anger. I was angry because my nap was interrupted. I'm still learning that even my sleep, or lack therof, is his.
It's hard, serving so completely.
I was embarrassed and proud last night, we were at Master's sister's house for Christmas Eve. He told me to fix him a plate of food and his mother piped up with "Who's gonna be your slave tomorrow?" in jest. He responded with "Her, she's my slave every day." I don't know if they thought he was kidding or not, I was at the sink washing my hands when the conversation transpired and I stayed facing the sink so no one could see my blushes and silly grin. I served him the rest of the night as I always do and no one said another word about it.
It felt good to have him be so honest about our relationship. To know that he's proud of what we are and what we do.
Merry Christmas to everyone everywhere.
He's given the go ahead to begin planning our collaring ceremony. I'm so exited that it's all I can think about when I lay down to sleep at night. We haven't set a date yet for the ceremony, he wants to get the collar first, but he says it is his first priority after the first of the year.
He asked me if, after being collared by him, I will finally realize that he's not going anywhere and that he's not looking to bigger and better deal me.
That's a major failing of mine, trusting that anyone who loves me really does love me. You'd think after 17 years of being with him as his girlfriend and then wife, and now slave, that I would feel secure. I know he thinks I should be. And he's right, I should. Yet there's this tiny little part of me that cringes in expectation of being kicked.
He hasn't given me reason to feel this way, it's deep rooted from my early childhood. Something I need to let go of once and for all. I remember something I heard in a movie once... "Childhood is something you spend the rest of your life recovering from". Or something like that. In a lot of ways that's true for me.
12-25-03 Merry Christmas
It's Christmas today. The oldest kids are playing with their new Gameboys, I want one! The youngest is lying on the couch drifting in and out of fever induced sleep.
Our youngest is sick today so no family will be coming over as was originally planned. My sister has four kids that she really doesn't want exposed to this whatever it is. I don't blame her, her youngest just got over an illness.
Still, I wish they could come visit. I love my sister and her kids and I love to see them.
I had a fit of anger when Master interrupted my nap to put the turkey in the oven. My only excuse is that I was tired and I'm not feeling well myself. But, they're just that, excuses. I want to go to him and beg forgiveness.
It's nothing more than pure selfishness behind my anger. I was angry because my nap was interrupted. I'm still learning that even my sleep, or lack therof, is his.
It's hard, serving so completely.
I was embarrassed and proud last night, we were at Master's sister's house for Christmas Eve. He told me to fix him a plate of food and his mother piped up with "Who's gonna be your slave tomorrow?" in jest. He responded with "Her, she's my slave every day." I don't know if they thought he was kidding or not, I was at the sink washing my hands when the conversation transpired and I stayed facing the sink so no one could see my blushes and silly grin. I served him the rest of the night as I always do and no one said another word about it.
It felt good to have him be so honest about our relationship. To know that he's proud of what we are and what we do.
Merry Christmas to everyone everywhere.
Sunday, December 21, 2003
Feelings of slavery
It's hard to admit to oneself sometimes, how deep one's feelings run.
Were I able I would live forever as his 24/7 at home slave. Is it because I'm lazy? I don't think so. I think it's because I love to serve him and I love him. There have been times in the past when I didn't mind at all being apart from him. I didn't miss him like I do now.
It feels like the bond between us has grown so deep as to be almost physical. He is always in my thoughts, ever present in my mind. I belong to him no matter where I am or what I'm doing. Nothing I do is done without asking his permission first.
I'm always told how much he loves me by others, I wonder if they tell him how much I love him. I'm not the most physically or vocally demonstrative person in the world. Is it not in my eyes when I look at him or when I talk about him?
I wonder.
A couple of months ago he and I looked at permanent collars, we are leaning towards Eternity collars at http://www.eternitycollars.com/secure/secure_frame.htm They scared me at first. I can bear having something locked around a wrist or an ankle but around my neck? I can't tell you why it scared me so but it did. I balked and suggested a bracelet instead, claiming that the neck ring might be uncomfortable to sleep in. Now, today, I crave it. I want that permanent reminder of his ownership around my neck. I don't want it on my wrist or my ankle. My neck seems to me to be the proper place for a symbol of ownership. A wolf offers it's throat in submission to the pack alpha, so too do I offer my throat, my neck to my Master.
It seems dramatic I know, but, that's me.
I'm craving to be collared by him even though mentally I already wear his collar. I want a formal ceremony followed by a reception of sorts to be shared with friends who will understand the symbolism and importance of it all. I'm like any other girl, I want the fairytale. Only my fairytale is a bit darker and more twisted than the mainstream. *chuckling*
Were I able I would live forever as his 24/7 at home slave. Is it because I'm lazy? I don't think so. I think it's because I love to serve him and I love him. There have been times in the past when I didn't mind at all being apart from him. I didn't miss him like I do now.
It feels like the bond between us has grown so deep as to be almost physical. He is always in my thoughts, ever present in my mind. I belong to him no matter where I am or what I'm doing. Nothing I do is done without asking his permission first.
I'm always told how much he loves me by others, I wonder if they tell him how much I love him. I'm not the most physically or vocally demonstrative person in the world. Is it not in my eyes when I look at him or when I talk about him?
I wonder.
A couple of months ago he and I looked at permanent collars, we are leaning towards Eternity collars at http://www.eternitycollars.com/secure/secure_frame.htm They scared me at first. I can bear having something locked around a wrist or an ankle but around my neck? I can't tell you why it scared me so but it did. I balked and suggested a bracelet instead, claiming that the neck ring might be uncomfortable to sleep in. Now, today, I crave it. I want that permanent reminder of his ownership around my neck. I don't want it on my wrist or my ankle. My neck seems to me to be the proper place for a symbol of ownership. A wolf offers it's throat in submission to the pack alpha, so too do I offer my throat, my neck to my Master.
It seems dramatic I know, but, that's me.
I'm craving to be collared by him even though mentally I already wear his collar. I want a formal ceremony followed by a reception of sorts to be shared with friends who will understand the symbolism and importance of it all. I'm like any other girl, I want the fairytale. Only my fairytale is a bit darker and more twisted than the mainstream. *chuckling*
Monday, December 15, 2003
It's all in the mind
So, here we are... a few months into my coming to terms with the reality of our situations. That was cryptic huh?
It's been a couple of months or there abouts, since I finally came face to face with the reality that everyone but me saw. That Mark is and can only be a secondary Dominant to me and that it's Alan I answer to first and foremost.
Somewhere along the way I'd lost sight of that.
I realized last night just how completely I have accepted the way things are. I feel my slavery to Alan, and while I feel like I belong to Mark, I'm not enslaved to him. There's a major distinction there that I'd never really noticed before.
Last night I was talking with Mark and we were joking about him being out of touch with me and he said "I know, I'm a really bad Master." It was when he said those words that I had an aha moment and the distinction became clear to me. A little voice inside my head said "No, Alan's my Master." I'm sure a few people who know me will chuckle and say "Well it's about time you realized that." Or something along those lines.
I've grown a lot closer to Alan over the last few months, he's gotten further into my mind with me standing there holding the door open for him. He mindf**ked me this weekend, good grief he likes mindf**ks. The roller coaster of emotions I experienced was intense... I nearly cried with relief when I found out that it had all been a mindf**k because right up to that moment I'd been a bundle of nerves. Then came disappointment because I realized I really did want to do the thing that he'd been pretending he was going to make me do. It's funny how these things work.
I'm thinking of it as a test run, the next time I won't have to be so nervous. He'll be there with me the whole time.
I wonder if other slaves feel as close to their Masters and if they feel the absences as keenly as I do? Or maybe I'm just a drama queen and I'm making it worse than it really is. Only one way to know for sure, ask other slaves. *chuckles*
That's the beauty of the internet, I can talk to likeminded people whenever I need to.
The holidays are nearly here and I've begun to ask myself just what the heck I was thinking. I've decided to host X-mas day dinner here and I took a commission to do 16 glassware pieces. Where was my brain on either of those days?
I'm definitely going to need a vacation after the holidays.
It's been a couple of months or there abouts, since I finally came face to face with the reality that everyone but me saw. That Mark is and can only be a secondary Dominant to me and that it's Alan I answer to first and foremost.
Somewhere along the way I'd lost sight of that.
I realized last night just how completely I have accepted the way things are. I feel my slavery to Alan, and while I feel like I belong to Mark, I'm not enslaved to him. There's a major distinction there that I'd never really noticed before.
Last night I was talking with Mark and we were joking about him being out of touch with me and he said "I know, I'm a really bad Master." It was when he said those words that I had an aha moment and the distinction became clear to me. A little voice inside my head said "No, Alan's my Master." I'm sure a few people who know me will chuckle and say "Well it's about time you realized that." Or something along those lines.
I've grown a lot closer to Alan over the last few months, he's gotten further into my mind with me standing there holding the door open for him. He mindf**ked me this weekend, good grief he likes mindf**ks. The roller coaster of emotions I experienced was intense... I nearly cried with relief when I found out that it had all been a mindf**k because right up to that moment I'd been a bundle of nerves. Then came disappointment because I realized I really did want to do the thing that he'd been pretending he was going to make me do. It's funny how these things work.
I'm thinking of it as a test run, the next time I won't have to be so nervous. He'll be there with me the whole time.
I wonder if other slaves feel as close to their Masters and if they feel the absences as keenly as I do? Or maybe I'm just a drama queen and I'm making it worse than it really is. Only one way to know for sure, ask other slaves. *chuckles*
That's the beauty of the internet, I can talk to likeminded people whenever I need to.
The holidays are nearly here and I've begun to ask myself just what the heck I was thinking. I've decided to host X-mas day dinner here and I took a commission to do 16 glassware pieces. Where was my brain on either of those days?
I'm definitely going to need a vacation after the holidays.
Friday, October 17, 2003
Changes
I still don't like change. I fired change this morning but change has informed me that it can't be fired.
M and I have decided that he will take a secondary role in my life... if I were honest I would say this is as it should be. Still, I'm a little melancholy over it. He's been, in my mind anyway, my primary Dominant for a long time. So, to have him take a secondary role is difficult to get used to.
It's not really a big change though, I need to remind myself of that. Really all we've done is defined how things really are between us. He hasn't acted as my primary Dominant for some time now...and I've been answering to A more and more.
I lived in fear of this sort of change... afraid I'd lose M altogether. Too often I fear the worst. He reassured me that he's not going anywhere and that helped a lot. It also helped to hear that he does love me very much.
I hope he's taking this okay... I worry about him. It's my nature, to worry about those I care about.
M and I have decided that he will take a secondary role in my life... if I were honest I would say this is as it should be. Still, I'm a little melancholy over it. He's been, in my mind anyway, my primary Dominant for a long time. So, to have him take a secondary role is difficult to get used to.
It's not really a big change though, I need to remind myself of that. Really all we've done is defined how things really are between us. He hasn't acted as my primary Dominant for some time now...and I've been answering to A more and more.
I lived in fear of this sort of change... afraid I'd lose M altogether. Too often I fear the worst. He reassured me that he's not going anywhere and that helped a lot. It also helped to hear that he does love me very much.
I hope he's taking this okay... I worry about him. It's my nature, to worry about those I care about.
Sunday, October 12, 2003
Seeing clearly
I can now see the benefits of finally seeing the situation with M for what it really is. I think I've detached from him and from our relationship somewhat.
He talked tonight about this woman in CR. I was honest with him, "Still playing with that fire eh?" "I can't say it's the wisest thing you've ever done."He agreed with me, says he needs to get out of it. I told him to do it then. He said he's going to. I said "I hear ya talkin'" In other words, I'll believe it when I see it.
But, while I still felt a little twinge of jealousy... it wasn't the same. I felt like I was talking to a friend who was being extremely unwise and not at all like a sub whose Dominant is neglecting her to spend time with others.
I feel a little wistful and maybe a little sad at these changes in me but I understand now why they needed to take place.
M and I have tentative plans for him to visit Tuesday afternoon to have our long awaited talk. I'm dreading it in some ways. I'm afraid I'm going to hear nothing but justifications for his actions and I don't want to hear that. I won't accept justifications because there is no justification for lying to me.
I haven't told him yet about Alan making me his slave. I don't know how to tell him. I don't know how he'll react or even how I expect him to react.
I had someone tell me tonight that he's long thought that I belonged in the slave category. It still blows my mind that I've stepped onto this path and have done so of my own free will. I'm a control freak for goodness sake, what am I doing?
I remember, when I was a teenager, lying on A's bed and reading the biker fiction in his Easyrider magazines. They always referred to their girlfriends in these stories as their "house mouse" and these women were submissive, and domestic, and they belonged to their men. I fantasized often about being A's "house mouse". It's just strange how these things are with us our entire lives and only make sense when we look back down the road we've just walked.
So, I begin this week with some trepidation. I can only hope that I can stand up and bravely face whatever comes.
He talked tonight about this woman in CR. I was honest with him, "Still playing with that fire eh?" "I can't say it's the wisest thing you've ever done."He agreed with me, says he needs to get out of it. I told him to do it then. He said he's going to. I said "I hear ya talkin'" In other words, I'll believe it when I see it.
But, while I still felt a little twinge of jealousy... it wasn't the same. I felt like I was talking to a friend who was being extremely unwise and not at all like a sub whose Dominant is neglecting her to spend time with others.
I feel a little wistful and maybe a little sad at these changes in me but I understand now why they needed to take place.
M and I have tentative plans for him to visit Tuesday afternoon to have our long awaited talk. I'm dreading it in some ways. I'm afraid I'm going to hear nothing but justifications for his actions and I don't want to hear that. I won't accept justifications because there is no justification for lying to me.
I haven't told him yet about Alan making me his slave. I don't know how to tell him. I don't know how he'll react or even how I expect him to react.
I had someone tell me tonight that he's long thought that I belonged in the slave category. It still blows my mind that I've stepped onto this path and have done so of my own free will. I'm a control freak for goodness sake, what am I doing?
I remember, when I was a teenager, lying on A's bed and reading the biker fiction in his Easyrider magazines. They always referred to their girlfriends in these stories as their "house mouse" and these women were submissive, and domestic, and they belonged to their men. I fantasized often about being A's "house mouse". It's just strange how these things are with us our entire lives and only make sense when we look back down the road we've just walked.
So, I begin this week with some trepidation. I can only hope that I can stand up and bravely face whatever comes.
Saturday, October 11, 2003
Me? A slave?
I never thought of myself as slave material. I laughed at the idea of me being anyone's slave. "I'm too bratty." or "I'm too independent." I'd say... the truth of the matter is... i can still be those things and be a slave.
Let me back up and begin at the starting. Things with M have changed a lot... I don't really know *when* they started changing or why but they did. Maybe it's the way I'm seeing things these days, maybe I've changed. I don't know. All I do know for certain is that M, while I love him and cherish his presence in my life, has become less of a Dominating factor in my life. He used to be my primary Dominant but since his life has really gotten busy he's had less time for me. I think he started to take me for granted, believing that I'd always be here for him when he wanted me. I had a blow out over that, I think I wrote a little about it in a previous entry so I won't rehash it right now. Suffice it to say that I've decided that he and I need to redefine some things in our relationship. One of them being, his position in my life.
With M's stepping back, either deliberately or by circumstance... it has allowed A to step foward to take a more prominent position as my Dominant. Within the last month or so I've noticed a definite push from him for more Dominance... little by little he nibbles at my limits and at my control. I thought maybe it was something he was doing inadvertantly but it is deliberate. He wants to make me his slave and I, I find myself wanting to be his slave. At the same time I feel like I should run for the hills. The thought of giving so much control to anyone is frightening to me, my submissive feelings seem bigger than I am and they threaten to crash over me like a tsunami. Washing away all that I was and leaving something new and raw in it's wake. We all know how I feel about change... it's not my favorite thing.
I worry too, about how M will feel about all of this. I still want him to be a part of my life. I still want him to be my lover and my best friend and I can't relate to him as anything other than as a submissive.Selfish? Maybe so but I can't help loving him and being addicted to the great sex.
But, I know change is necessary, it's inevitable and fighting against it is like swimming against the tide.. it's tiring and in the end the tide is going to win. So, I'm going to try to save myself some exhaustion and embrace this change with somewhat open arms.
I want to be Alan's slave...in addition to the fear and worries an indescribable joy fills me when I think about wearing his collar and calling him Master.
He plans to mark me... with his name, a tattoo most likely... it is what I want too.
Let me back up and begin at the starting. Things with M have changed a lot... I don't really know *when* they started changing or why but they did. Maybe it's the way I'm seeing things these days, maybe I've changed. I don't know. All I do know for certain is that M, while I love him and cherish his presence in my life, has become less of a Dominating factor in my life. He used to be my primary Dominant but since his life has really gotten busy he's had less time for me. I think he started to take me for granted, believing that I'd always be here for him when he wanted me. I had a blow out over that, I think I wrote a little about it in a previous entry so I won't rehash it right now. Suffice it to say that I've decided that he and I need to redefine some things in our relationship. One of them being, his position in my life.
With M's stepping back, either deliberately or by circumstance... it has allowed A to step foward to take a more prominent position as my Dominant. Within the last month or so I've noticed a definite push from him for more Dominance... little by little he nibbles at my limits and at my control. I thought maybe it was something he was doing inadvertantly but it is deliberate. He wants to make me his slave and I, I find myself wanting to be his slave. At the same time I feel like I should run for the hills. The thought of giving so much control to anyone is frightening to me, my submissive feelings seem bigger than I am and they threaten to crash over me like a tsunami. Washing away all that I was and leaving something new and raw in it's wake. We all know how I feel about change... it's not my favorite thing.
I worry too, about how M will feel about all of this. I still want him to be a part of my life. I still want him to be my lover and my best friend and I can't relate to him as anything other than as a submissive.Selfish? Maybe so but I can't help loving him and being addicted to the great sex.
But, I know change is necessary, it's inevitable and fighting against it is like swimming against the tide.. it's tiring and in the end the tide is going to win. So, I'm going to try to save myself some exhaustion and embrace this change with somewhat open arms.
I want to be Alan's slave...in addition to the fear and worries an indescribable joy fills me when I think about wearing his collar and calling him Master.
He plans to mark me... with his name, a tattoo most likely... it is what I want too.
Sunday, August 10, 2003
Little girl's whim
i decided to change the color of my journal again. One of these days i'll get unlazy and use something snazzier.
Last night we went to a small play party which was held in the home of one of our very good friends.
i went totally little and had a little friend with me to play with. my lady Jaedyn decided to be little too. We had lots of fun.i even had a kid's meal from Burger King for dinner. i can't even put into words the sheer joy of it all.
Alan had a few firsts last night, he worked together with our host and friend on a certain Domme who was feeling slightly subbish for the evening. i was pleased that he didn't ask me if it was okay. He did ask me if i would be okay with it. i need him to be a little more decisive, concious of my feelings of course, but decisive and the Boss.
i had the pleasure of being the second to be treated to their not unkind ministrations. Alan says that i look as if i've been gnawed upon. Or gracious host has a fondness for using his teeth to their fullest advantage. *soft smiles*i revel in the marks i have to remind me and the knowledge that i aroused such ardeur in our host that he broke his own cardinal rule.
In total Alan got to help work two women, three if you include me. But the important thing is that he got to play with others which he hasn't been able to do up til now.
i've come to the realization that i do indeed, have a knife fetish. i can't fight it and i won't aplogize for it. Cold steel against my flesh is a delicious pleasure.
i feel languid today and right.
Last night we went to a small play party which was held in the home of one of our very good friends.
i went totally little and had a little friend with me to play with. my lady Jaedyn decided to be little too. We had lots of fun.i even had a kid's meal from Burger King for dinner. i can't even put into words the sheer joy of it all.
Alan had a few firsts last night, he worked together with our host and friend on a certain Domme who was feeling slightly subbish for the evening. i was pleased that he didn't ask me if it was okay. He did ask me if i would be okay with it. i need him to be a little more decisive, concious of my feelings of course, but decisive and the Boss.
i had the pleasure of being the second to be treated to their not unkind ministrations. Alan says that i look as if i've been gnawed upon. Or gracious host has a fondness for using his teeth to their fullest advantage. *soft smiles*i revel in the marks i have to remind me and the knowledge that i aroused such ardeur in our host that he broke his own cardinal rule.
In total Alan got to help work two women, three if you include me. But the important thing is that he got to play with others which he hasn't been able to do up til now.
i've come to the realization that i do indeed, have a knife fetish. i can't fight it and i won't aplogize for it. Cold steel against my flesh is a delicious pleasure.
i feel languid today and right.
Friday, May 30, 2003
Inner turmoil
Okay so there's more to say but i wanted to make separate entries because this is a separate issue.
i saw Mark yesterday, it was wonderful. i love spending time with Him, we always have so much fun together. It was bittersweet though because it is likely that it was the last time we'd get to play until school starts in the fall.
The turmoil i have is trying to serve two Masters, one who is having trouble sharing from time to time. i want to share everything with Alan, i want to tell him everything but i feel like i have to hold back because it will hurt him or because it will upset him. So, i edit everything and tend not to tell him what Mark and i do. Sometimes i don't even want to tell him when i've seen Mark. But then that causes problems too because it seems like i'm being secretive.
i don't know how this will play out. i feel like there's a tension between Alan and i and i know it's all my doing. If i'd just relax and not be jealous over Alan playing with others... maybe i could let go of some of my guilt. i feel guilty for loving another man.
i saw Mark yesterday, it was wonderful. i love spending time with Him, we always have so much fun together. It was bittersweet though because it is likely that it was the last time we'd get to play until school starts in the fall.
The turmoil i have is trying to serve two Masters, one who is having trouble sharing from time to time. i want to share everything with Alan, i want to tell him everything but i feel like i have to hold back because it will hurt him or because it will upset him. So, i edit everything and tend not to tell him what Mark and i do. Sometimes i don't even want to tell him when i've seen Mark. But then that causes problems too because it seems like i'm being secretive.
i don't know how this will play out. i feel like there's a tension between Alan and i and i know it's all my doing. If i'd just relax and not be jealous over Alan playing with others... maybe i could let go of some of my guilt. i feel guilty for loving another man.
Thursday, March 13, 2003
Dreams!!
We went to Dreams last weekend and it was fantabulous. i should have written sooner about it but i've been kind of zoned. Coming down from the weekend i suppose.
Friday we got there and checked in around 5 or 6. Then we browsed the vendors and Alan bought a wooden paddle with holes in it and a leather quirt. It gives me shivers just thinking about those items. He also bought a clamp for himself but i won't tell ya what that's for right now. Alan also bought himself a leather vest which looks very good on him.
After shopping we went upstairs to the meet and greet pizza party, then to our room to freshen up and change clothes for the dungeon party.
We spent a couple of hours at the dungeon party, it was just starting to pick up when we decided to head up to our room to play privately. Jaedyn demonstrated whirly birds on both the guys then set to beating C while Alan decided to put me through my paces on the other bed. He started me out slow and warmed me up good.. it felt great til he started using the quirt and the paddle.
Friday night was difficult, i didn't sleep well and woke up early. After everyone was awake and ready to go, we walked around town a bit. We went to breakfast at this fantastic little cafe called Cafe 315. Then we went back to the hotel and lounged around til the workshops began. We took in SM 101, needle play, and cock and ball torture demos. The SM 101 workshop was a nice round table discussion and i feel adequately armed to give an SM 101 workshop in our own group. Which, was the point of the workshop.The needle play workshop was hands on and very enjoyable, although Alan's enjoyment of it kind of has me worried. Jaedyn enjoyed it too so i should be doubly worried. We watched a male sub have feathers sewn onto his shoulder with fishing line, i thought that was kind of cool. Though, i'd rather have bells and not on my arm. The CBT workshop was very informative. i learned what i can do to a cock without damaging it. We got to watch the Mistress giving the workshop use urethral sounds on her male subbie. It was wild to watch something being inserted into a penis.
After the workshops we went to this really neat old chinese restaurant called King Fong's for dinner. It's in an older building, tile floors, stained glass windows, and embroidered wall hangings. The tables were really old wood with tile inlay. All in all the ambience was neat. The food was good too. If i'd known how large the portions were i'd have shared an entree with Alan, i could barely eat 1/3 of mine.
Saturday night we went to a gay bar for a leather show, the show was awesome and the bar was great too. i went little for the night, meaning i was dressed and acting as a little girl, Alan was my Daddy. He's always my Daddy. i had such a good time in little space. The show was fun, the people were funny. i saw one other little there but i was too shy to go play with her. After the show we went back to the hotel and to the vendors and dungeon party. i was still in little space so i stayed close to Daddy, he gave me a horsey ride on his knee. i don't know if anyone saw and i really don't care, i had fun.
There was one vendor and presenter there, Lord Prophett, who was extrodinarily fantastic to watch and listen to. He's a very animated person and very skilled with whips and floggers.
Sunday was spent searching for a place to have breakfast and shopping at Torrid. i got two new t-shirts, Woo-Hoo!
This week has been spent catching up on sleep, watching Mark's kitty while He's out of town, and now, going to the doc for a uti. Yay.
Alan and i had a long talk Sunday evening about being more active in the leather community. We both want to become more active in the leather community and to be a resource for others. i would like to become more of an activist and fighting for the rights of leather folk and the glbt folks too. That's for some time in the future though, i want the kids to grow up first.
Friday we got there and checked in around 5 or 6. Then we browsed the vendors and Alan bought a wooden paddle with holes in it and a leather quirt. It gives me shivers just thinking about those items. He also bought a clamp for himself but i won't tell ya what that's for right now. Alan also bought himself a leather vest which looks very good on him.
After shopping we went upstairs to the meet and greet pizza party, then to our room to freshen up and change clothes for the dungeon party.
We spent a couple of hours at the dungeon party, it was just starting to pick up when we decided to head up to our room to play privately. Jaedyn demonstrated whirly birds on both the guys then set to beating C while Alan decided to put me through my paces on the other bed. He started me out slow and warmed me up good.. it felt great til he started using the quirt and the paddle.
Friday night was difficult, i didn't sleep well and woke up early. After everyone was awake and ready to go, we walked around town a bit. We went to breakfast at this fantastic little cafe called Cafe 315. Then we went back to the hotel and lounged around til the workshops began. We took in SM 101, needle play, and cock and ball torture demos. The SM 101 workshop was a nice round table discussion and i feel adequately armed to give an SM 101 workshop in our own group. Which, was the point of the workshop.The needle play workshop was hands on and very enjoyable, although Alan's enjoyment of it kind of has me worried. Jaedyn enjoyed it too so i should be doubly worried. We watched a male sub have feathers sewn onto his shoulder with fishing line, i thought that was kind of cool. Though, i'd rather have bells and not on my arm. The CBT workshop was very informative. i learned what i can do to a cock without damaging it. We got to watch the Mistress giving the workshop use urethral sounds on her male subbie. It was wild to watch something being inserted into a penis.
After the workshops we went to this really neat old chinese restaurant called King Fong's for dinner. It's in an older building, tile floors, stained glass windows, and embroidered wall hangings. The tables were really old wood with tile inlay. All in all the ambience was neat. The food was good too. If i'd known how large the portions were i'd have shared an entree with Alan, i could barely eat 1/3 of mine.
Saturday night we went to a gay bar for a leather show, the show was awesome and the bar was great too. i went little for the night, meaning i was dressed and acting as a little girl, Alan was my Daddy. He's always my Daddy. i had such a good time in little space. The show was fun, the people were funny. i saw one other little there but i was too shy to go play with her. After the show we went back to the hotel and to the vendors and dungeon party. i was still in little space so i stayed close to Daddy, he gave me a horsey ride on his knee. i don't know if anyone saw and i really don't care, i had fun.
There was one vendor and presenter there, Lord Prophett, who was extrodinarily fantastic to watch and listen to. He's a very animated person and very skilled with whips and floggers.
Sunday was spent searching for a place to have breakfast and shopping at Torrid. i got two new t-shirts, Woo-Hoo!
This week has been spent catching up on sleep, watching Mark's kitty while He's out of town, and now, going to the doc for a uti. Yay.
Alan and i had a long talk Sunday evening about being more active in the leather community. We both want to become more active in the leather community and to be a resource for others. i would like to become more of an activist and fighting for the rights of leather folk and the glbt folks too. That's for some time in the future though, i want the kids to grow up first.
Saturday, March 01, 2003
Formal service
Last night was my first experience with doing formal service at a D/s dinner party. i had to learn to serve on his right and clear from his left. i was supposed to say something whenever i brought him food but i just couldn't. i'm so uncomfortable speaking when others are watching me.
So what is a D/s dinner party anyway? You may ask. Well, last night's dinner went like this, everyone dressed in their very best. The Dominants sat at the table and were served by the submissives. We brought them food and drink and knelt silently on the floor next to them while they ate. The other two subs present were able to go eat in the kitchen. Alan fed me from his plate and gave me drinks from his glass. It was a six course meal and during the soup course i was able to go to the kitchen to have a bowl of soup. i was again able to go to the kitchen to have dessert. Both items which would have been difficult to fed to me.
It was difficult to not speak until spoken to but i managed. The Dominants did speak to us a bit and included us submissives in the conversations with eye contact.
Today my legs and back are sore from so much kneeling and standing but it's a good sore. It was a pleasure to serve and wasn't too different from the way i serve at home.
i think Alan loved the formal service. i can't wait until we have a house with space to give our own formal dinner parties. i want to include Mark too, i think He'd enjoy it.
Next week we leave for Omaha and the BDSM event there. It will be Alan's and my first event like this, i'm excited and nervous at the same time. i never have been comfortable in new situations but i'm not going to let that fear keep me from new experiences or from living my life as i choose to live it.
So what is a D/s dinner party anyway? You may ask. Well, last night's dinner went like this, everyone dressed in their very best. The Dominants sat at the table and were served by the submissives. We brought them food and drink and knelt silently on the floor next to them while they ate. The other two subs present were able to go eat in the kitchen. Alan fed me from his plate and gave me drinks from his glass. It was a six course meal and during the soup course i was able to go to the kitchen to have a bowl of soup. i was again able to go to the kitchen to have dessert. Both items which would have been difficult to fed to me.
It was difficult to not speak until spoken to but i managed. The Dominants did speak to us a bit and included us submissives in the conversations with eye contact.
Today my legs and back are sore from so much kneeling and standing but it's a good sore. It was a pleasure to serve and wasn't too different from the way i serve at home.
i think Alan loved the formal service. i can't wait until we have a house with space to give our own formal dinner parties. i want to include Mark too, i think He'd enjoy it.
Next week we leave for Omaha and the BDSM event there. It will be Alan's and my first event like this, i'm excited and nervous at the same time. i never have been comfortable in new situations but i'm not going to let that fear keep me from new experiences or from living my life as i choose to live it.
Thursday, February 06, 2003
Body mod and little girls
i've been spending a lot of time thinking about body modification lately. Anything we do to our bodies to change them is a modification. Losing weight, building muscles, piercings, dyeing hair, cutting it. Some we do for ourselves or at least fool ourselves into thinking it's really for us and not for a partner we want to attract or keep interested. Some we do because our partner has asked us to do them.
So why would i do it? Because he asks and because i want to.
i wonder if people who have what i consider to be extreme body modifications like split tongues etc. would consider induced lactation to be too extreme.
Life is strange, it's strange the things i do now, the things i'm interested in. They're things that would have sent me screaming just a few years ago. i've learned a lot and changed a lot.
Last night Alan read the Ceremony of the Roses, we might do it. It's a very intense D/s ceremony, it means more than a collaring it's like a wedding and collaring combined. But, Alan has never collared me, i'm not sure he would. Or should he? Since i already wear one collar can i wear another? In many ways i am already collared to Alan. Being married to him, living with him day in and out.. we're as close to 24/7 as we're going to get with kids in the house. These are things to talk with him about.
At any rate. i have class soon.
So why would i do it? Because he asks and because i want to.
i wonder if people who have what i consider to be extreme body modifications like split tongues etc. would consider induced lactation to be too extreme.
Life is strange, it's strange the things i do now, the things i'm interested in. They're things that would have sent me screaming just a few years ago. i've learned a lot and changed a lot.
Last night Alan read the Ceremony of the Roses, we might do it. It's a very intense D/s ceremony, it means more than a collaring it's like a wedding and collaring combined. But, Alan has never collared me, i'm not sure he would. Or should he? Since i already wear one collar can i wear another? In many ways i am already collared to Alan. Being married to him, living with him day in and out.. we're as close to 24/7 as we're going to get with kids in the house. These are things to talk with him about.
At any rate. i have class soon.
Friday, November 22, 2002
No eyes no ears, utter bliss
Have you ever heard it said that if you lose one sense the others become stronger to make up for the loss?
Well, i'm not sure it's quite like that but the other senses do become more acute.
Mark and i tried some sensory deprivation yesterday and it was such a breakthrough in many ways for me. Ever since i can remember i've been panicked beyond reason about not being able to see what's coming at me.
When i'm in the shower shampooing my hair or washing my face i won't allow Alan to come in or at the very least, he can't open the curtain or touch me until i can see. i'm too vulnerable when i can't see and being vulnerable in the past wasn't a good thing.
Yesterday i willingly made myself vulnerable and gave control of my body to Mark. i didn't freak out once, didn't even feel a twinge of panic. He took excellent care of me. What amazed me was that even though i couldn't see Him i could sense His proximity to me. He didn't say one word after He put the headphones on me. It was a silent dance of pleasure and pain between Dom and sub. With touches of His hands i knew what He wanted me to do, where He wanted me to move.
i'm eager to do some blindfold training to become even more comfortable with it and i think my Lady would like to do that with me. With her help i think i will overcome this irrational fear of being vulnerable that i have.
i guess in some ways being blindfolded is similar to a trust game i've seen played where one person will have to allow themselves to fall backwards trusting one or more others to catch them. i've never played this game, in the past there's no way i could trust that much. Now, maybe if i knew the people well enough. What's changed? me. i've laid a lot of demons to rest in the past year that had continued to haunt me. This is not to say that i don't occasionally experience a trigger here and there. But i'm in control and the triggers have gotten a whole lot weaker and some have disappeared altogether.
Life is good even when it's stressful.
Well, i'm not sure it's quite like that but the other senses do become more acute.
Mark and i tried some sensory deprivation yesterday and it was such a breakthrough in many ways for me. Ever since i can remember i've been panicked beyond reason about not being able to see what's coming at me.
When i'm in the shower shampooing my hair or washing my face i won't allow Alan to come in or at the very least, he can't open the curtain or touch me until i can see. i'm too vulnerable when i can't see and being vulnerable in the past wasn't a good thing.
Yesterday i willingly made myself vulnerable and gave control of my body to Mark. i didn't freak out once, didn't even feel a twinge of panic. He took excellent care of me. What amazed me was that even though i couldn't see Him i could sense His proximity to me. He didn't say one word after He put the headphones on me. It was a silent dance of pleasure and pain between Dom and sub. With touches of His hands i knew what He wanted me to do, where He wanted me to move.
i'm eager to do some blindfold training to become even more comfortable with it and i think my Lady would like to do that with me. With her help i think i will overcome this irrational fear of being vulnerable that i have.
i guess in some ways being blindfolded is similar to a trust game i've seen played where one person will have to allow themselves to fall backwards trusting one or more others to catch them. i've never played this game, in the past there's no way i could trust that much. Now, maybe if i knew the people well enough. What's changed? me. i've laid a lot of demons to rest in the past year that had continued to haunt me. This is not to say that i don't occasionally experience a trigger here and there. But i'm in control and the triggers have gotten a whole lot weaker and some have disappeared altogether.
Life is good even when it's stressful.
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